Ay Carumba Being Eileen

Oh, hiya. We've come in about Ethan.

He hasn't been spiking the dinners with laxatives again, has he?

-No.

-Clingfilm over the toilet seats?

-No.

-Embalming the guinea pigs?

-Let him talk, Mand.

-It's about...

Well, it' quite surprising.

Nothing surprises us.

Well, look at him now.

-Exactly.

-I'm sorry about that.

-You see...

isn't he brilliant?

-Terrorising his sister?

-Tripping her up?

-No. Judo.

You what?

We call that fighting in our house.

The Olympic legacy team's been going round schools

trying out children with different sports.

They discovered Ethan is a natural at judo.

Could be a future Olympic champion.

-Is this a wind up?

-No, no. They'd like him to go for regional training.

That's judo, not fighting?

Well, yeah.

Now, that IS fighting.

-Dad! Mum's having one of her funny turns.

-Shall we call an ambulance?

-Just having a little dance. Leave me alone.

-You're a weirdo.

-Is there something I should know?

-No! Just...

enjoying meself. It's ages since I've had a dance.

OK.

I picked that up. What do you think?

-"Run Ay Carumba classes..."

-Yeah.

"Make money, friends and get fit."

What's Ay Carumba?

It's that Brazilian salsa-dance fitness thing.

It's like that Zumba they do, but newer.

You run them yourself as a franchise.

They're like Tupperware parties, without the plastic boxes.

If this works out, we could have a chain of them.

You could leave that boring job. We could manage them

and we could have staff to run classes right across the country.

We could retire to Rio De Janeiro.

Maybe just go and see if you like it first.

I think I'll be brilliant.

Hi, love. Thanks.

Hiya.

I haven't seen you for years.

Just thought I'd try this new bus route, see what it's like.

Free bus pass and all.

It goes all round the world now. Used to go straight into town.

Now you're going round parts of Birkenhead you never knew existed.

As soon as you get used to it, they change it and it goes somewhere else.

48's nice too. Goes down by the docks and the river.

I just go for a ride round if there's nothing to do.

It's either this or staring at the four walls.

Tell me about it.

I heard about Ted. So sorry.

Oh, thanks. I haven't seen you since Eddie. I was sorry to hear.

You know, me and some other women in the same boat meet every week

for coffee round at Maureen Morrison's. Why don't you join us?

Yeah. She was always such a laugh.

Well, yeah.

Breaks up the week. You'll know everyone.

I'd like that.

Where the hell are we going now?

What do you think you're doing? Give it some, lad. That's rubbish.

You're rubbish. Do you hear me? Rubbish.

Bloomin' heck.

He really responds well to aggressive encouragement. You know, tough love.

Oh, I can't watch any more. Wimp. Who's the wimp?

I am.

We've tried him on everything.

We think this might be the sport for him.

Fitness runs in our family.

I knew it. Beaten again.

Useless. What are you?

Useless.

Is it Ethan? Does he want to have a go?

-What do you reckon, son?

-Yeah, sure.

-Come on, lad.

He can't do it against that big bloke. How old is he?

He's only 15, is Vlad.

Vlad? Vlad the Impaler.

From Russia.

But if he lives here for a while, he'll become British

then join our team.

Oh, my God. I can't watch.

-You all right, son?

-Fine.

That's enough. Get him out of there.

HE WHISPERS

Get in. That's brilliant.

Well done, Ethan.

What did you say?

-Imagine that's your sister.

-Dad!

Well, I'd just like to welcome Eileen to our little gathering.

Great you could make it.

Thanks for asking me.

We used to go to different houses but just come to mine now

because I've got the most chairs.

Did you hear about Frankie Fisher?

-Oh, no.

-Is he dead?

-Nearly.

-ALL: Ah!

-They don't think he'll make it to the weekend.

-ALL: Ah!

I've got my phone here and she's going to text me

as soon as it happens.

So we know.

Maisie Brooks.

She died.

Oh, no.

Larry Parsons. Dead.

Oh.

-And Kenny Smith's mother's brother's died.

-Oh.

-I don't know him.

-Neither do I.

I don't think any of us do.

But it's good to know, isn't it?

Well, at least we're all still alive.

I brought along some fairy cakes for us.

-Oooh. Lovely!

-Wonderful.

Oooh!

Isn't the weather terrible?

Awful.

I thought it was a bit brighter today.

-But it's going to get worse.

-It always gets worse.

Oh, dear.

-Do you get out and about much?

-Oh, no.

We don't go out.

Especially after dark.

It's too dangerous.

Did you see on the news that old dear had to fend off

a burglar himself? No police about.

He managed to tie the lad to a chair with his dressing-gown cord

while he waited hours for the police to arrive.

-78 he was.

-Oh, no.

I missed that. Was that round here?

No, China.

Oh, right.

-Is it your first time?

-Yeah.

I've haven't done anything like this before.

It's easy peasy. It's just like dancing, really.

-About being free.

-I'm good at that. Being free and that.

OK, ladies. Into position.

100% enthusiasm, yeah?

Five, six, seven, eight.

We have other kids who are incredibly fit and motivated

-but don't have half the ability that Ethan's got.

-Great.

And you need to look at his fitness levels.

Get him running or down the gym. And his diet.

Chicken, vegetables, brown rice from now on.

You might as well call it a day now.

There's the fitness plans and diet books.

I know he can do this. We'll work on it together.

He does eat healthily anyway.

Where did he get them from?

Really use those hips. Thrust at the end, yeah?

Yeah? I think you've got it now.

Oh, sorry I'm late. Is it OK just to...?

What are you doing here?

The girls at work said it was great.

Hiya.

You don't mind, do you?

No, of course not.

Have you done this before?

No. First time. It's great, isn't it?

Yeah.

That's it. You've got it. Perfecto.

They're even saying you can get...

cancer from watching too much telly now.

Do you go on any trips out at all?

There's some really great shows on in Liverpool.

I'd love to go to the Echo Arena.

Isn't it all loud pop music?

Well, it can be, but I love some of my grandkids' music.

Do you know who's on this week?

-Rihanna!

-Who?

Rihanna. You know.

# Umbrella, ella, ella... #

I don't think that's for us.

Oh, no.

A song about rain.

The weather gets me down enough without hearing a song about it.

Oh, well.

Never mind.

Amazing. Thank you all for a brilliant class.

Thanks. I feel incredible.

You looked it. You're a natural.

It's like you've been Ay Carumba-ing all your life.

Yeah, she's great, isn't she?

If anyone would be interested in taking a leaflet about running

your own Ay Carumba franchise, details are here.

I've already got one.

-You're interested?

-Yeah. If that's all right with you?

Of course. You should take one.

-No. She doesn't want one.

-You what?

It's about running your own class. You don't want to do that, do you?

-Oh, no.

-But you were brilliant. I'd be a shame not to.

-Really?

-She's just going to throw it in the bin.

-Yeah.

-Shall I throw it away for you?

-Let me just read it first.

Hiya, Rita. Everything all right?

I hope you don't mind me knocking.

It's just... You know you were saying about that Rihanna girl?

-Yeah.

-Well, I love that song. You know about her wet-weather gear.

Oh, yeah!

But I felt I couldn't say earlier.

Any road, our Tina had two tickets, but she can't go now.

She's gone and got another tag on her leg

and it's past her curfew. but that's another story.

-Shall we go?

-We could do. When is it?

-Tonight. Now.

-No?!

-Yeah, come on.

She's meant to be a bit of a slut in the show,

but it'll get us out and about.

Well, I was going to put a coloured wash on.

But, you know, that can wait.

I'll just throw something on.

Hey, I could do with a boogie. Come on!

Go on, son.

What have you stopped for?

Come on, lad. Keep going. Go on. Go on.

Come on, Ethan. You can do it.

-I can't run any further.

-You've got to get fit.

I don't want to.

HORN BEEPS

-Do you want a lift?

-Yeah!

-Mand, we're training.

-He looks knackered. Poor thing.

-That's the idea.

-You all right, son?

No. Melissa, open the door and I'll jump in.

Mandy, leave us alone, will you? Ethan, come on. Don't stop.

Don't push him too hard.

It's not a rip off like those pyramid schemes, is it?

No. At least people are getting something for their money.

You know, I think it might be a bit cramped doing it in our garage.

I'd have to move all my tools and my gadgets out of the way.

-Where would I put them?

-We'll find somewhere else.

Do you think anyone else round here will be thinking

-of running a franchise?

-No. No.

I was the only one who picked up a leaflet.

-And you'd teach it? So, you WERE good at it?

-Yeah.

You just picked it up straight away?

Yeah.

The teacher said... I was a natural.

Like I'd been Ay Carumba-ing all my life.

That's my girl. I've never seen you this fired up.

This could change our lives.

Let's do it.

I'm going to make a poster with the kids.

Here you go.

I don't know what's weirder,

that horrible looking food

or the fact we're sitting eating at a table.

Might make it easier if we ate together.

Look, I'm having it too. We're a team.

-And you like chicken and vegetables.

-Yeah, when it's fried.

Why is the rice burnt?

It's not burnt. It's brown. And it's lovely.

See?

Yummy.

Are you for real?

What? We've got to eat.

Whose are those chips?

Just spare. In case anyone wants them.

-Ethan. Just try it.

-Mmmmm(!)

These are the nicest chips you've ever made, Mum.

Yummy.

I can't chew it. No more.

What are you doing?

He's got to eat something. I don't want him to starve.

Waste of time.

Night.

Well, it was a wonderful night. Thanks.

I loved it.

I did tire of her flashing her knickers all the time,

otherwise, I can't remember the last time I danced like that.

-We should do it again.

-Yeah.

SHE BURPS

Perhaps not have as much lager next time.

Who next then?

I'd like to see that Michael Bubbly.

Isn't it Buble?

Oh yeah, it is. Michael Bubbly!

Oh, look. Isn't that...?

Where the hell did she go?

-Hiya, Maureen.

-Hello, Eileen.

What's that?

Oh, um... The concert.

Rihanna.

-You went in the end?

-Yeah, yeah. It was great. Loved it.

You were on your own then?

Yeah, looks that way.

I didn't expect to see you out and about after dark.

I'm getting some milk. Thought I'd take the risk.

I've got a rape alarm in my pocket. I'd better get off.

-OK.

-Bye, love.

-Bye.

She gone?

In a puff of smoke. What's that all about?

She can't see us together. She'd go mad.

And if she knew what we'd been doing...

I didn't realise it was a covert operation.

Quick. She might come back.

I am going to do this.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Ay Carumba. Ay Carumba. Ay Carumba.

Ay Carumba.

Oh! Fancy seeing you here.

-You are joking.

-No.

-But I'm doing the 4.30 class on a Tuesday.

-So am I.

-Well, where are you doing yours?

-There.

-Where's yours?

-There.

-You'll just have to do yours somewhere else.

-No.

-But I put the poster up first.

-I was the first one to think about running my own class.

You know I was the first one to do Ay Carumba.

Well, I can actually Ay Carumba.

Well, so can I...now.

Been practising in the middle of the night?

Of course not. Who'd do that?

I was just a little bit ill prepared that first lesson.

-Are you going to go through with this?

-Hell, yeah.

I've got all the girls from work coming.

I'm going to be rammed.

Well, I've got all the mums from school coming and there's 150 kids in that school.

So that'll be...loads.

-Well, we'll see, won't we?

-Yeah. Yeah, we will see.

So...

Eileen went to a pop concert on her own.

Yeah, and I've lived to tell the tale.

Didn't anyone feel like going to the pop concert with Eileen?

Oh, no. I took a Quiet Life and went to bed early.

Anyone else?

Rita...

Oh, dear. I've made a mess.

I don't know what I'm thinking of.

So...

any news?

Frankie Fisher's still not dead.

-Oh.

-I tell you what, I brought a DVD.

-I thought we could watch a film.

-Ooh, yeah. That could be...

..maybe not a good idea.

It's a great film. Toy Story 3.

-A cartoon?

-For kids?

Well, it is a cartoon, I suppose, but I think it's wasted on the kids.

My grandchildren left it at mine.

I was going to take it back and then I thought, why not?

-Well, anyway...

-I love the Pixar films.

-Pixar?

Yeah, they do films on computers.

I don't know how they do it. Finding Nemo. Have you seen that one?

Oh! All about them fish. My grandkids have got that.

You think, like, you're underwater.

Shall we watch it?

Honestly, it's a great story. It'll cheer us right up.

Do we want cheering up?

Maybe.

I think it's time to go.

We've only just got here.

I know. But I've just remembered I've got an appointment.

-So I think it's time for you to leave.

-Oh.

OK.

-Thanks, Maureen. See you.

-Bye, Maureen. Thanks for the tea.

-You're welcome.

-See you next week. Bye.

Where were you? We were meant to be training.

I'm training now.

Watching Kung Fu Panda is not training.

Kung Fu Panda 2.

One, two, three.

Cha cha cha.

Cha cha cha.

Cha cha cha.

Cha cha cha.

Cha cha cha.

If he wants to get fit, he should come to my class.

Why are you doing this? Just to make a point to Paula?

Do you really think I'd be that petty?

The instructor said I was amazing, that I had a calling.

Well, who's this judo malarkey for, eh?

You or him?

You're turning into one of those vile pushy parents.

Right. Come on. Get it right this time.

Merengue.

Merengue.

Merengue.

Merengue!

Just stop it there.

That's it. That's what I do.

I'm speechless.

You break it to her, Dad.

-Is it that bad?

-No, no. There's nothing to worry about.

When's your first class?

40 minutes.

Oh, dear.

What's his story?

Just getting him in the zone.

OK. So we're just going to do a warm up first. Come on.

Come on, Ethan. Let's have a good session.

Space out. On your toes.

On your toes. Up on those feet.

Backwards and forwards. Hips.

Forwards.

-Hiya!

-You all right?

So, here we are then.

Moment of truth. How's the Ay Carumba-ing going?

Oh, it's great.

But today I'm just going to sit back and enjoy it. Hiya!

Hola.

Hey. I thought you were on my side?

-She's paying me.

-Turncoat.

Well...

I've got free mojitos.

Melissa!

I'm going to get everyone pissed.

Well...

I've got the kids in daft costumes...

I feel stupid.

..and Ray as general manager and DJ.

These are cutting off my circulation.

Oh! First customer.

-She's mine.

-She's mine.

Hiya. I'm looking for the macrame class. Is it round here?

-BOTH:

-First floor.

Can I have a rest?

Please!

-Come on. Get up.

-I just want to have...

Ethan, get up.

What are you playing at?

Are you a man or a mouse?

Ethan, wait. Look, I'm sorry.

-Come on. Come back in.

-I don't want to do it any more.

-Yes, you do.

-I don't. It's just no fun.

You're good. You could be in the Olympic team.

I liked it when it was fun

and I still want to do it. Just not like this.

I liked it best when it was with Melissa.

It's just a bit of training.

No, it's not. It's everything.

Just because you wanted to be a footballer and you had chances

but you didn't train.

-You what?

-And now you're trying to take it out on me.

You can't make me do this.

I'm sorry, son. You're right.

What's got into me, eh?

Come here.

-I'm so sorry.

-Dad...

Hey, why don't we go for a Maccie Dee's?

Drive through?

Of course.

Oh, go on then.

DOORBELL RINGS

-What's the...?

-I know there's something going on here.

Gotcha. I knew it. You usurped me.

What?

Setting up all these secret meetings behind closed doors.

Underground. Incognito.

Some of the women wanted to see the film.

You didn't want to watch it so they came here.

SHE SOBS

Not one punter between us.

We're crap, aren't we?

What now?

Mojito?

Don't mind if I do.

Cheers.

Who needs Rio De Janeiro, eh?

-There you go.

-Thanks.

I don't know what's happened to me.

It's OK.

When Ronnie passed away, I thought, "That's it. My life's over.

"I can't enjoy myself again."

And I felt guilty if I was having a good time.

We know how you feel.

I'm certainly not skipping down the street every day.

I find it really hard.

But I know Ted would want me to live,

to try and do things, get out there.

And you're right.

And it was only a cartoon.

And it's also all right if you don't want to watch it.

I think I'd like to.

Great.

Yeah.

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