Monopoly Being Eileen

Right.

'Welcome to Teach Yourself Spanish.'

Thank you.

'A course that can transform your world and broaden your horizons.

'Learning a language will open new vistas,

'making you feel empowered, and able to enjoy new cultures.'

For crying out loud. Get on with it.

'Lesson one, general phrases. Repeat after me.

'Hola. Hello.'

Hola. Hello.

'Buenos dias. Good day.'

Buenos dias. Good day.

-Oh, this is a doddle.

-Hiya.

'Buenos tardes. Good afternoon.'

Beunos tardes. Good afternoon.

What are you up to?

I'm learning Spanish. I found this old kit we bought years ago.

Never used.

Did you get that after you went on that coach holiday to Malaga?

Oh yeah.

28 hours on a bus stinking of sick and bleach.

Never again. Though your Dad and I did have a laugh.

Is there something you're not telling us? You going away?

-No, I just thought I'd learn a language.

-What for?

I don't know yet.

-Right, while you do that, would it be all right I...?

-Hiya Eileen.

So, is that all right if we just have a quick scoot in the loft?

I haven't asked her yet.

I just want to get some stuff of mine out of the attic. That OK?

What stuff? What for?

-We'll only be a minute. You don't want to know.

-I think I do.

Ray wants to find the rules to a board game

he's sold on the internet.

You what?

I was on eBay

and I saw that the edition of Monopoly that I've got,

an old limited edition, was going for...

Well, you wouldn't believe it.

So, I got it out to look at it, and it's all in pristine condition.

It's never been played with. Look, you'd think it was the Turin Shroud.

But someone spilt coffee over the instructions.

Destroying its value in one moment. And I've already sold it.

I said I was sorry. And I've given you the instructions out of ours to make up.

Maybe you're right, I didn't need to know.

He's coming to collect it off me this afternoon.

The only worry is if the instructions are clearly different.

We'll cross that bridge.

I've only got to sell a couple more things

and I'll be a power seller.

A what?

He's sold so much crap and he's got such a good record

for not ripping people off etc that he gets to join a special club.

Isn't that sweet?

Probably didn't need to know that, either.

-Right, let's do it.

-Do you have to do this now?

I don't know what it's like up there.

You won't know we're there. The sooner we get it done,

the sooner we can all forget about it. Will you watch the kids?

Well, I was trying to do my Spanish tapes here.

What we going to do, Nan?

Can we bake some fairy cakes?

-It's fine. Come upstairs with us kids.

-It doesn't matter.

No, no. I don't want to interrupt.

Don't involve us in this eBay madness.

You're not going to make me go in the attic are you?

Right, where was I?

'Good night.'

Oh, what was that? Rewind... Help!

'Welcome to Teach Yourself Spanish.'

Bugger! It's gone back to the beginning.

'A course that can transform your world and broaden your horizons.

-'Learning a language...'

-Shut Up!

Oh! Look at the state of it up here.

You want to get some shelves, some organisation.

Can you see the Monopoly?

I don't know where to start.

Just get it out and then we can go.

What's up there, Dad?

-Do you want to come and have a look?

-Yeah!

-No.

Look at all these cobwebs.

Is there spiders? Big spiders?

No, not big ones. Little friendly ones.

I can't even see any just now.

Any bats? Snakes? Crocodiles?

No. There's nothing like that in your nanny's attic.

Maybe me mum's thinking of moving to Spain.

Hey...

You know, Majorca's lovely.

Wouldn't it be great to go and visit her in Majorca?

Well, yeah, but why? What's wrong with here?

She might have told us she was moving.

Is Nanny leaving? We'll never see her again?

Not if I have anything to do with it.

Oh, you're not bringing stuff out!

I've got to, so I can see what's where.

Could do with throwing all this crap away.

Look at this. I made this.

Look. Look, kids, that's Susie.

I made her. Isn't she great?

She's creepy. Can you put her back in the attic, please?

Perdone. Excuse me.

I'm a natural.

'Lo siento pero podria ayudarme, por favor?'

Hiya, Nan.

-Oh...hiya.

-Hiya, Nan. Will you pay for singing lessons for me?

You want to learn to sing? Why not.

What's brought this on?

I want to go on X Factor and become famous.

But you can't even sing.

I know, that's why I want the lessons, dummy.

But then most of them on there can't sing anyway.

-We'll discuss it.

-OK, Nan.

Well, I'm just doing this teach yourself Spanish tape thing here.

-OK.

-Great.

So will you two be all right through there?

-Yeah.

-Sound.

Ta.

TV BLARES

Is that loud enough in there?

What's she saying?

I can't hear you! You'll have to speak up.

'I'm sorry but...'

What now?

-Mandy, what a surprise.

-Could you do me a favour?

My freezer's full and I've got all this cheap food from work.

-I couldn't store it in yours, could I?

-Well...

You got any room?

Oh, yeah, you've got loads of space.

Feel free.

It's all the food they can't sell cos it's near it's date,

they're practically throwing it away.

And my two chest freezers are full to bursting.

RUMBLING

What the hell is that?

-Anything broken?

-Don't think so.

-Are there zombies up there?

-No. why would there be?

All home shave zombies in.

They live in the attic, under the bed,

and in the freezer compartment in the fridge.

There's no such thing as zombies. Who told you all that?

-Ethan.

-Yes, well, I'm going to kill him next time I see him.

Don't kill him, Mum. I like Ethan.

Liam, I wouldn't actually kill him, it's just an expression.

Not a very helpful expression, now, is it?

What is all this messness?

It's fine. We're nearly done.

You know, you could sell a lot of this on eBay.

Isn't this stuff mostly rubbish?

That's what they sell on eBay, mostly rubbish.

Now, that is not true.

You can find some amazing stuff if you know where to look.

-I read this tip the other day.

-Here we go. He's going to try and convert you now.

When you're searching for something, spell it wrong because sometimes

the seller makes a mistake

-and doesn't notice and only crafty people...

-Like you.

..manage to track it down because everyone else has searched

-under the correct spelling.

-Oh, yes. Fascinating!

It would be if I knew what he was talking about.

Oh, Eileen, there's a whole world just at your fingertips.

They've even got this app now

that will bid for you at the last minute,

so you don't miss out on the bargain you're bidding on.

The wonders of technology, eh?

What are these round black things, Nan? Place mats?

No be careful with those. They're my 78s.

That's what we used to play music on before CDs.

What's a CD?

It's like iTunes but in physical form.

I'd like to hear them.

Well, what a relief we haven't got a record player

and we can just focus on what we're doing.

-I've found one.

-Oh, great.

-It's got no plug.

Thank heavens for that.

Right, put everything back and don't bring anything else down.

-Yep, me mum's right.

-There must be a plug here somewhere.

The kids would love to hear it.

Have you found that bloomin' game yet? Look at this, Jack.

This is my old Brownie uniform.

You used to get a badge if you were good at something.

That's for making a cup of tea, crossing the road

and, erm, brushing up.

Did you get one for breathing?

Budge up.

I love Popeye.

It wouldn't be anything to do with the large amount of violence

and fighting in every episode?

-We were watching that!

-Not any more. That's better.

Juliet Bravo. When did they start repeating that?

Are you watching this or texting?

Both. Multi-tasking. Watch and learn.

You all right, Ei?

Yeah, great, fine thanks.

-TV:

-'Everything you need for all weekend?

-I'm going to kill you.'

Mum? Just thought I'd pop by and get some peace before going home

-to the asylum.

-Surprise. Peace, eh?

-The asylum's HERE.

-What are yous doing here?

-Just popped round to see Eileen.

-And when have you ever done that?

-Who are those flowers for?

-Me mum.

When do you ever buy ME flowers?

I bought you some the other week but you didn't like colour.

And that they set of your hay fever.

In October.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh, hiya. Yeah, I'll give you the address.

-What's she up to?

-Like we know.

-Or care.

-Where's your nan?

-She was there a minute ago.

Oh, yeah. Dad, can I have ice-skating lessons?

-What for?

-I want to go on Dancing On Ice.

Don't you have to be a celebrity to go on that?

Well, I will be once I've had me singing lessons off me nan

and won X Factor.

We'll see. Let's find your nan first.

Tienes una mesa para seis personas?

Bloody hell.

Do you have a table for six?

Right, it's all there. Anything else just let me know.

Ta.

Er, what are you up to?

None of your beeswax.

RECORD PLAYS

Have you seen me mum?

She's downstairs.

Not any more. She's vanished.

What are you doing up there?

-Or shouldn't I ask?

-Oh, you don't want to know.

I bet me mum's told you she's moving to Spain, hasn't she?

You what?

Don't pretend you don't know. She'd tell you first.

About her emigrating.

-She's not.

-She is! She's learning Spanish and everything.

First I've heard.

Well, if she hasn't even told you

there's definitely something fishy going on.

Have you eaten today? Is there enough oxygen getting to your brain?

That's my train set. I can't believe it still works.

It's great, we're just playing with it. I won't break it.

I didn't mean that, Jack.

I said he could have it.

I don't know about that.

Here it is!

Like the Holy Grail.

What are you doing with that?

We just want the instructions out of it.

-You know that's mine, don't you?

-I think you'll find it's mine.

Er, no, Monopoly was mine.

Cluedo, Kerr Plunk - they were yours. So, really...

-When did you last play with it?

-That's not the point.

Look, and in tip top condition.

-You don't mind if I have them do you?

-Well...

OK, if I agree that it's yours, which I don't, you don't even

need the instructions cos you already know how to play.

Nice work, Paula.

Please? And then we can stop all this.

What if Ethan and Melissa want to play it in the future?

Do you really think that's going to happen?

What's that?

Is it a game? Can we play it?

Did you pay them to say that?

-Why don't we have a game now kids, hey?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Heaven help us.

And you can teach them the rules, verbally.

Just let him have it!

-OK.

-Thanks mate, I'll make it up to you.

What is this all about?

You don't want to know.

Come on then, kids. Community Chest on the pink.

Oh, this is impossible.

'I have a table reserved in the name Wilson.' Oh, really?

-Hello?

-Hello!

-Is someone in there?

Yeah, hiya.

Can I help you?

-Monopoly?

-You want Ray, he's just inside there, love.

Thanks, love. Gracias.

De nada.

It's an interesting environment to be learning Spanish -

in a garage full of junk.

Yeah, well...

It's the new way to do it.

I am practically fluent and I've only just started.

What am I doing?

Let's go and ask Nan about Spain. She'll tell us.

You'd better come soon. It's all going fast.

Yeah. Ta-ra.

Auntie Mandy, have you seen Nanny?

I think she's in the garage. I don't know why.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hiya. I'll just see what's left.

-Your dad was always the Scottie dog and I was always the...

-Old boot.

Yes, thank you.

Did you play this all together as a family?

We'd all have tournaments that would go on for hours and hours.

In simpler, happier times.

Oh, I'm in the jail again.

Why are you always the banker?

It says that in the rules somewhere. 'Pete is always the banker.'

Don't start cheating.

Oh, yeah? And who's got previous for cheating?

Will yous two concentrate?

It's your go, Auntie Paula.

So, can I have the singing and ice skating lessons?

Tell you what, you can earn them.

No bad behaviour for a year and they're all yours.

Forget it.

I can't believe the way you just crush my ambition just like that.

I can hear her. I think she's on the phone.

When does the next plane for Madrid leave, please?

(She's getting the next flight out of here!)

Hay tiendas en el camping?

Nanny's speaking foreign.

Is there a shop on the camp site?

And she's going camping!

We've GOT to tell Mum.

It is a collector's edition, it's never been used

and all original features?

It's all there, in mint condition.

It's never been played with. (Never.)

It would have been nice to have played with it at least once. But...

oh no, "You'll get more for it if it's never been touched

"and it's still in its box."

But isn't that the point? Eh?

It depends...

Aren't toys meant to be played with? When you're a kid?

-I suppose so...

-Not for my dad. Oh, no.

No fun for us.

So these are the... original instructions, then?

They are. The whole kit in pristine condition.

We heard Nan on the phone asking about the next flight to Spain.

-Told you.

-Maybe you're right.

And she's going camping. Can I go too? I love camping.

What? She's going to go and live in a tent?

You know the way this is going we're going to come home one day

and there'll just be a note on the door saying, "Gone to Magaluf."

There won't be any of this then.

Ah, look at our old rooms just sitting there.

I sometimes think it'd be nice to have my old bedroom.

A room to meself. I love Mandy and everything...

-Oh, yeah.

-She's so easy to live with and all that, but...

just to go back to having me own little den again.

Own little bed.

A proper night's sleep without Ray's snoring.

Hang on a minute. You can fall asleep on a washing line

and NOBODY snores as badly as you.

Where do people get this idea I snore from?

From you snoring.

Three.

Erm, no, that's four.

Oh, sorry, yeah, my mistake.

Oh, well spotted, Ethan. See what we're up against here, kids?

Cheaters.

An honest mistake.

Oh! "You've won a singing competition. Collect £100."

Like X Factor! Well done, Dad.

Hang on a second...

Hang on...

"Drunk in charge. £50 fine!"

-That wasn't the card.

-Pete the cheat.

ALL: Pete the cheat! Pete the cheat!

She told me not to ring the front door bell, but...

I don't know what to do. Where the frig is she?

Who's that?

Ah, this is ringing now. This is beyond a joke.

-Are you here for the Monopoly?

-No, meat.

Oh, there she is! No worries, love.

# You can smile

# If you smile for the man who held your hand

# 'Neath the pale moonlight

# But don't forget who's taking you home... #

Oh, Ted.

# And in whose arms you're going to be

# So darling, save the last dance for me... #

Meat?

I'm sorry.

I can't believe I've come all this way.

You've agreed to sell it to me and now all of a sudden it's off!

I've changed my mind. It's never been touched.

Games should be played with.

Not if they're collector's items!

You'll never become a power seller now.

-I'm going to post negative feedback.

-Please don't.

He did really want to become a power seller, he did.

I won't...

if you sell it to me as agreed.

I cannot believe that I find a limited edition

in perfect order with everything original...

The instructions aren't original. They're from a more recent edition.

No? Well that's going in the feedback.

No one's going to buy from you again. Ever.

Hang on, mate!

Hang on, two seconds. We were playing with the kids upstairs...

I'll throw in all the veggies with the chicken breasts

and we'll call it a fiver.

What the hell's this...?

Oh, just getting rid of some of this frozen food,

make some space in your freezer.

By selling it off in my kitchen?

-Yeah, something like that.

-How much for this leg of lamb?

That's my leg of lamb. Put it back!

Oh, sorry.

What's going on?

What else have you got? Any steak?

Shop's shut for now.

I've come all the way from Rock Ferry!

I'll give you a shout when we're open for business again.

For crying out loud!

Sorry, Eileen.

I just thought I'd get rid of it, make some extra cash on the side.

Well, I can't do it from ours. Sheena in accounts lives four doors away

and she's a nosey bugger.

SHE SIGHS

Who's left this on?

That's better.

-'Show me it. You're cheating again.'

-'No, I'm not.'

-'Show it me!'

-You're cheating!

-No I'm not!

-Just show it me!

-I'm not...

-Just give it to me!

-What are you doing?

-He's cheating!

-No, I am not!

-Yes, you were!

-No...

Will the pair of you grow up!

This place is like Hiroshima!

We'll put it all back.

Ethan, will you stop that? They are your Grandad's records.

Who's that up there?

Oh, Melissa. Stick to the joist.

If you go in the middle you'll...

-go through.

-God!

Right! Right! That is it. I am sick of the lot of you.

I want you all to clear off! Now! Get out!

Get out!

Am I in the right place for the knock-off frozen food?

(God!)

Melissa!

'Adios. Goodbye.'

Adios. And goodbye...for now.

Maybe we should take that to the nearly new?

-Just get it in the loft.

-Or we could do a car boot sale?

They do one at Tranmere Rovers car park on a Sunday.

If you get there at six, you can get a good spot. It'd be fun.

-Too much fun for me.

-Why don't we do Cash In The Attic?

It's all nearly done now.

Oh, hello! I haven't seen it.

No, no. Paula, Paula...

You two aren't going to start rolling around on the floor

-arguing again are you?

-We've kissed and made up.

-He was cheating.

-You didn't need to do this now.

-It's all done.

-I'm surprised Melissa didn't hurt herself.

Oh, she said she enjoyed it. She's been wondering

how to work it into an act so she can go on Britain's Got Talent.

I'll fix the hole.

I'm sorry for earlier, for shouting. It was just...

We had turned the house into a three-ring circus.

It just all got too much. All these random people.

All I wanted was a little bit of peace and quiet

so I could do me language tapes.

It's fine.

So, when are you going to Spain?

SHE LAUGHS

-Who told you that?

-Well, you're learning Spanish...

and the kids heard you talking about flights.

And tents.

I just felt like learning a language.

Maybe I will visit Spain, maybe I won't.

But I just found the tapes and I thought I'd give it a go.

I'm not too old to learn something new, you know.

Well said.

Yeah. Great.

-I've made some tea.

-All done. You'd never know.

I rustled up some bacon butties.

Oh!

That's more like it.

Listen to that peace.

Wonderful and I found some lovely flowers as well.

-Oh, they're off me.

-Thanks.

-Creep!

I didn't realise how late it was.

I can't be arsed going home now.

-Maybe we could have a sleepover?

-Good idea. Hey, we could top and tail.

I was joking.

You don't want to stay, do you? I mean, you can if you want.

I really want to go home

and hear more about the minutiae of Monopoly and eBay.

And I'd like to see what's going off in the frozen food world.

Oh, hiya, Mand. No, still at Mum's.

I think I'll stay over. I don't think she wants to be on her own.

-You what?

-Shush. No, she's just feeling a bit... Is that OK?

Thanks. Er, no, I don't want to speak to Ethan

about the boil on his bum. Night.

Great.

You didn't have to make out I couldn't be left on my own.

-It didn't sound like that.

-But happy for you to stay.

I think I'd better text Ray.

Otherwise he might want to join us with the kids.

This is the best bacon butty I've ever tasted.

Good bacon, this.

Good job some random woman didn't disappear with it.

Done.

Oh, that is disgusting!

-Mum, tell him to stop it!

-Hey!

Are you still awake?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, you'll be asleep and snoring in no time.

Where has everybody got the idea I snore from?

Because of your snoring!

Shall we make a recording of it and play it back to you?

Uh-oh! I think we've lost her.

SHE SNORES

-There you go.

-Right on cue.

-Night, Mum.

-Night night, son.

SHE SNORES

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd