DIY Being Eileen


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SHE HUMS

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-Hiya, Pete.

-I've been playing five-a-side

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with the lads and I thought I'd pop round for a cuppa.

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Ahh. D'you get beat again?

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-Yeah.

-How many by?

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15-0.

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Ohh. You're rubbish, aren't you?

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Oh, thanks, Mum(!)

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-CHUCKLES

-Look at the state of you!

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You've got mud here...and there.

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-Come here.

-Mother.

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Let me just jump in the shower, eh? CHUCKLES

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-I'll put the kettle on.

-OK.

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Ooh! Pete!

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Don't use the shower! It's playing up!

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You what? I can't hear ya.

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It'll be fine, then it just goes ice cold all of a sudden...

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Whoa-ho-hoooaaaaahhh!

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...then scalding hot.

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Aaarrrrrrrrgggghhh!

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Too late.

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Shower's broke.

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Oh, you don't say(!)

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Ooh, you look a bit red.

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Oh, it's only third-degree burns.

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How long's it been like that?

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Oh, a while. Drink your tea.

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You should have said.

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Oh, it's fine. I've been having baths or...using the flannel.

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Mum, you should have told me.

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I'm here for anything needs fixing.

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I tried to look at it meself. I used your dad's old do-it-yourself book.

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But it's so old it hasn't even got showers in it.

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LAUGHS

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Is this where me dad got all his mad do-it-yourself ideas from?

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Yeah.

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Hey, do you remember when he tried to make me a bike out of wood?

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D'you remember all the splinters from the saddle?

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Oh, don't, I can still feel 'em.

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He was good at little jobs round the house, though.

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There's some of his old scribblings and doodles here.

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Remember this?

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His combined swing, slide and shed contraption.

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Thank God it never left the drawing board.

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'Ey, come on. Put it away.

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Right. We're going to get you a new shower today.

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Oh, no, do it another day.

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Is there anything else needs fixing?

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Not really.

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Door to the garage still doesn't shut

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and that light's gone again in the kitchen.

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You know, if it gets dark

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I can cook with a little torch or light a candle.

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We'll start with the shower, eh?

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Take that home with you if you like.

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'Shall I lock up, or will you wait, Jim?

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'I told you, I'll wait.

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'Can I do anything, Jim?

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'No. Thanks.'

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I'm just popping down the DIY.

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What? Are you serious?!

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Er, yeah.

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Can't believe it.

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We're going to get my magical dream bathroom today?

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Oh, yeah. Of course, yeah.

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What's brought this on?

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I just thought you'd...suffered enough.

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Well, I never thought this day would come.

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This will change my life.

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Your life. This...will cement our marriage.

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It's only a bleedin' bathroom.

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At last, we're getting rid of it.

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Depresses me every time I see it.

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Avocado green with granny tiles. What were they thinking?

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Geriatric hand rail,

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shower like someone's doing a wet fart on your head.

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Oh, it's all going to be luxury-ness!

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Oh, God, I've picked that "ness" thing up from your mum.

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Yeah, please don't do that.

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Shall we make a day of it, just me and you?

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-Erm...

-'Ey, kids, me and your dad are popping out.

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You're all right your own. And, 'ey, no more fires.

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-Where are you going? We want to come.

-No, you don't.

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-It's just the shops.

-We want to come and spoil all your fun.

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Which shop are you going to? What are you buying?

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Just boring stuff that you don't like.

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-ETHAN:

-Oh, we like boring stuff now.

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It's fine. Nothing'll get in the way of me and my new bathroom.

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Is that your mum?

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Oh, didn't I mention she was coming?

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-No. Why is she coming?

-Hiya, Nan.

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Just for the journey. You know, the more the merrier.

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The more the merrier? At Wickes?!

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I didn't know you were coming, Eileen.

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Neither did I till half an hour ago.

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Pete's sorting me out with a new shower.

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You what? We're going for my new bathroom.

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Well, we can do both. Kill two birds with one brick.

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-SIGHS:

-So that's the real reason you wanted to go.

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-I was an afterthought, as usual?

-Of course not.

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I said to Mum, "I want to get Mandy's bathroom, she's waited too long."

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And then, I thought about me mum's shower. Didn't I, Mum?

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Yeah. Yeah, it's me that's the afterthought, love, not you.

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-As long as we get it, it doesn't matter.

-We will.

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-MANDY:

-And, Ethan, if I hear or smell the slightest trump out of you...

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Have you done one already?

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-Wasn't me.

-MANDY:

-Melissa!

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EILEEN: Pwhoar, Melissa.

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Right, I want no dicking about.

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We get in, get the stuff and get out of here.

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I know what these places are like,

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you end up coming out with all manner of shite.

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Raarr! I'm going to get you!

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Is that Jack? And Liam?

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-Hiya!

-Cooee!

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What are they doing here?

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PETE: I don't know.

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Oh, Paula texted me, wanted to know what I was up to.

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Any other members of your family we're missing out on?

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I know, why don't you give your Auntie Marge a call?

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Or, how about one-legged Uncle Fred?

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Or your cousin Karl and all his ferrets?

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Look, all right. You've made your point.

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Hiya.

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Isn't this great?

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Ray and the kids, they love their DIY.

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-We were thinking of going to a theme park.

-You were.

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But Paula heard you lot were coming here and it's almost as good as.

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And he's serious. But it is cheaper and only five minutes from home.

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Look at Liam, all dressed for the part.

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With do-it-yourself it's all about...

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Safety first.

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You'd be surprised the number of accidents

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that people have while doing DIY.

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It is the biggest killer in the home.

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Did you know that 1,500 people had accidents last year

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just hanging wallpaper?

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Ooh, you don't say.

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Can we just go?

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Is anyone a bit peckish?

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Shall we have a break? It's dinner time now.

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-Yeah.

-We've only just got here.

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There's a nice place just there.

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Perfect.

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Are youse coming, or what?

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I don't know what to have.

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-Ohh, I do like an onion ring.

-Mmm.

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What are you having, Mand?

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Why is it taking so long? I just want to get out of here.

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Oh, it's not them, it's us.

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Jack likes his burger plain,

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Liam likes it with lettuce, cheese and no burger.

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And it foxes them every time.

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I don't want any mayonnaise in that one,

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and then I'll have the chicken burger in that one, with fries,

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erm, and, er, a coffee, but I don't want milk in that one, OK?

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-OK.

-Yeah, have you got that again? So...

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So, you're going for this one?

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Yeah.

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Right.

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-I like it.

-I would have maybe gone for something a bit more modern.

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I'm not sure about baths on legs. Isn't it a bit Downton Abbey?

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Well, it's a good job we're getting it and not you.

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Shall we go and do this?

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Ah, do we have to?

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You know, a bathroom says a lot about a person.

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Er, the colour, the materials,

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even down to how you put the toilet roll out.

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Whether you have the paper out the front, down the back,

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or leave it on the side...

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Yeah, fascinating as this is, I'm going.

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Anybody want the toilet before we go?

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-Me.

-And me.

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Yeah, me too.

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We don't have to do everything all together. We're not the Waltons.

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Yeah, but it's more fun this way, isn't it?

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Great fun(!)

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TANNOY CHIMES

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'Staff announcement. Would the manager...'

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Did you know that screwdrivers

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are one of the most dangerous tools you can have?

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You get more accidents with a simple screwdriver

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than you do with axes or welding equipment.

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I'd quite like an axe right now.

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You do know we're not actually buying anything today?

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You've enough drills, saws and gadgets to open a branch.

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You can look and touch but you can't buy.

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I know, I know. It's just for fun.

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Why don't you go and get what you need and we'll sort this for me mum.

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I'll do this. This was my idea.

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Remember we're here to get a bathroom.

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But I know what she wants.

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-I am still here, you know.

-I knew I'd get sidelined.

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As soon as me mum said what you were doing,

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I knew I had to come to make sure she got the right one.

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If we left it to you, it'd never happen.

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If we left to you, who knows what she'd end up with.

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-Some marble and gold monstrosity.

-What are you saying?

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God save us!

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Mum...

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-Ah, this is dead boring.

-Why did we come?

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-Why don't you play with the drills?

-BOTH: Yeah!

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-Give us me bag before you go.

-You what?

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I asked you to look after me bag for two seconds. Where is it?

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Oh, I don't know. Have I left it in Burger King?

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Or in the car? Do you need it?

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No, that was me spare bag with nothing in it(!)

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The real one with me purse, me phone and the brochure is just here.

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Don't have a go at me.

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If you didn't want to lose it, you shouldn't have give it to me.

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You know how I like to lose things.

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TANNOY JINGLE

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'Staff announcement. Could the manager come to...'

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-Can I help you, madam?

-No, you can't.

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You're acting suspiciously.

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No, I'm not. I'm looking for me bag in me car.

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How do I know it's your car?

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Because I've got the keys... right here. See?

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We get a lot of robberies from this car park.

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-How do I know you haven't stolen them keys?

-Are you for real?

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Have you seen the state of this car?

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All the shite in it? Who'd want to rob this?

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I've got me eye on you.

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Oh, it's not here.

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Bog off.

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Look at this one, with water coming all out the walls.

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She just wants a straightforward shower, not the Trevi Fountain.

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I quite like this one.

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You could get one with a chair in it. You know, for when your hips go.

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I'm not an old nana yet!

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Wouldn't you like a wet room?

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So the whole room is like a shower. You can get water everywhere.

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I would be slipping and sliding all over the place.

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Look, why don't I just take care of this, eh?

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What about the rest of your bathroom, Mum?

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-Cos you could get a corner bath.

-I just want a shower, nothing else.

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RAY: Ah, now, you've got to be careful.

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I read about this bloke that had a heavy corner bath fitted

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and when the water went in it went right through the floor.

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Squashed his wife, in the living room downstairs, flat as a pancake.

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Potentially lethal, corner baths.

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We're not leaving until you've eaten that all.

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That means your gherkin too.

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Don't be trying to shove it in the plants like you did last time.

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SIGHS

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LAUGHS

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Faster, faster. Come on, Ethan, faster!

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Isn't that lovely the way that opens?

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And closes!

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Ray? Ray, where are you going?

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No power tools!

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'Ere y'are, this one'll do. What d'you reckon to this one, Mum?

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Where the frig's she gone now?

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And this is me son's plastic dog poo.

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One tissue, used.

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Slotted spoon. Don't know why that's there.

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OK, OK, I believe they're yours.

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I'm so pleased.

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Yeah, but I'm always watching.

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Oh, that's nice.

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TANNOY JINGLE

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'Staff announcement.

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'Will Gavin the manager come to the staff meeting, please?'

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Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

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Oh, Gavin, it's you.

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Hiya, Mrs Lewis.

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Oh, call me Eileen. How's your mam?

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Oh, she's much better, thanks, yeah. She's on some new tablets.

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-Ah.

-Seems to be doing the trick.

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She's not seeing the goblins so much now.

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Oh, that's good.

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-So, what are you here for?

-God only knows.

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Apparently a shower.

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Oh, well, we've got some great offers on.

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Excuse me.

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Do you know, if I had this kitchen,

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I'd spend all day just opening and closing this drawer.

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Lovely action.

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Yeah.

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-Is she gone?

-Yeah. I thought you worked here.

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I do. I'm the manager now.

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But I can't cope. I've been...overpromoted

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and I don't know what I'm doing.

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And I'm...I'm meant to be running the place.

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So, you thought you'd climb into a cupboard?

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I used to hide in the garden bit over there

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but they kept finding me in the shrubbery.

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It's her, it's Carmel I'm hiding from.

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You see, she wanted to be manager but I got it and now she's livid.

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Ohh. You were always a sensitive kid.

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-You were terrified of the ice-cream man.

-Mm.

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But this is no way to deal with it.

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But it...it blocks out all the sound.

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You see, when I'm in here I can hardly hear 'em

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all bing-bonging me around the shop.

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It can't be that bad.

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They all think I'm useless.

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And...I am.

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Gavin? What the hell are you doing?

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Well... Well...I...I was, erm... I was just...

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He was just helping me.

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I'm...trying to buy a cupboard and...

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I didn't know which one to buy, so he's testing it for me.

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-How's that one, love?

-It's good.

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Nice access, in and...and out.

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You didn't need to get inside the cupboard.

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Of course he does.

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How else am I going to know if it's right?

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-I've got to be able to get in and out.

-Exactly.

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You do know you're meant to be at a staff meeting now?

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You should have been there, not here.

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But the customer always comes first.

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Oh, of course. Of course.

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Can I, er, steal him away now?

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Oh, yeah, yeah. He's been a great help.

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I don't know how I'd have managed without him.

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Thank you.

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And, er, see you later, Gavin.

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That is the...name on your badge, isn't it, love?

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Oh, yeah, yeah. Mrs...customer...lady.

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Oh, dear.

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I like this one the best. It's got a dead nice finish.

0:14:510:14:54

Aren't there any doorbells we can play with?

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Excuse me, kids, but this isn't a playground, you know.

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Where's your mum and dad?

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I don't know. They dumped us here and went off shopping.

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We get that a lot.

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They don't even care about us.

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They're probably stuffing their faces in Mackie D's right now.

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And we haven't eaten all day. I'm so hungry, I might faint.

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If I knew the ChildLine number, I would call it.

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It's disgraceful. I can see you're good kids.

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-Oh, yeah, we are.

-We really are.

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Come with me.

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-Where are you going now?

-He's going to buy something, I know.

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I give up.

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Ah, thanks, Janice. These poor things haven't eaten all day.

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Oh, thank you.

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Ah, thanks!

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So, can you really see what's going on from in here?

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Oh, yeah. All-seeing eye. Never miss a trick.

0:15:420:15:45

This is brilliant. I want all this in me bedroom.

0:15:450:15:47

There's some strange ones out there today.

0:15:470:15:49

These are a bit odd.

0:15:490:15:51

Yeah. They look funny.

0:15:510:15:53

What about that bloke?

0:15:530:15:54

No, he's fine. It's this one I've got me eye on.

0:15:580:16:03

She's SO dodgy.

0:16:030:16:05

Mm-hm. Now, that there, that's a serious shoplifter.

0:16:050:16:09

Deffo.

0:16:090:16:11

Wouldn't take me eye off her.

0:16:110:16:12

Don't worry, I've got her number.

0:16:120:16:14

'Ey, Pete.

0:16:160:16:18

Have you escaped to come and look at power tools with me and the boys?

0:16:180:16:21

I was abandoned, more like.

0:16:210:16:23

What's your favourite power tool?

0:16:230:16:25

Er...

0:16:250:16:26

Yeah. It's tricky, isn't it?

0:16:260:16:29

Well, there's so many to choose from, isn't there?

0:16:290:16:31

I can still remember the day I got me new Makita drill

0:16:310:16:33

like it was yesterday.

0:16:330:16:35

Changed my life. Almost as much as me iPhone.

0:16:350:16:38

And the calculator...

0:16:380:16:39

I should go and find me mum. Or me wife.

0:16:390:16:41

We're going to look at grinders and disc cutters.

0:16:410:16:44

D'you want to join us?

0:16:440:16:45

I think I'm all right, thanks, Ray.

0:16:460:16:48

TANNOY JINGLE

0:16:480:16:50

'Come and get the bathroom you've always dreamed of. In store today.'

0:16:500:16:53

Ooh, that's lovely.

0:16:540:16:56

Ooh...

0:17:010:17:03

GUARD: 'We need to get the system replaced.'

0:17:070:17:09

Some of them just go on the blink like that.

0:17:090:17:11

You cheeky little mare.

0:17:350:17:37

So what we normally do with lost kids is tell the police

0:17:440:17:47

and let them deal with it.

0:17:470:17:49

Look, that dodgy shoplifting woman's up to something.

0:17:510:17:54

Nah, she looks fine to me. This time.

0:17:570:17:59

DOOR CLOSES

0:17:590:18:00

-It's there. At last.

-Oh, what a relief.

0:18:050:18:08

And there's only one left.

0:18:090:18:11

Why didn't you just say, "I'm taking me mum to get a shower,"

0:18:110:18:14

and admit you'd forgotten about the bathroom?

0:18:140:18:16

-I hadn't forgotten.

-Course you had.

0:18:160:18:18

Just admit it. I don't mind.

0:18:180:18:21

-OK, I forgot.

-How could you forget?

0:18:220:18:25

It's the only thing I've wanted for years.

0:18:250:18:27

Look, me mum's got no-one to do the things around the house for her now.

0:18:270:18:31

She's been having a wash with a flannel and cooking by candlelight.

0:18:310:18:34

All because she doesn't want to create a fuss.

0:18:340:18:36

So I'm sorry I forgot, but I want to be there for her.

0:18:360:18:40

SHRIEKING

0:18:400:18:41

CRASH

0:18:410:18:42

-What's that?

-It'll be them two, I can guarantee.

0:18:420:18:46

-What did you do that for?!

-It was completely by accident.

0:18:480:18:51

Shall we just pretend we don't know them?

0:18:510:18:53

Oh, can we, please?

0:18:530:18:54

-You'll not die, it's a tin of paint.

-Funny(!)

0:18:540:18:56

Let's just get this bloody bathroom.

0:18:560:18:59

-You are joking!

-Oh, great(!)

0:18:590:19:01

Excuse me, but that's ours.

0:19:010:19:04

No, I think you might find that this is ours.

0:19:040:19:06

We were about to pick it up. We turned away for two seconds.

0:19:060:19:08

To have an argument.

0:19:080:19:09

-You missed your chance, then.

-Yeah, no, you don't understand.

0:19:090:19:12

I've got to have this one. I've got me heart set on it.

0:19:120:19:15

You don't know how long I've waited.

0:19:150:19:17

This bathroom suite is the only thing that keeps me sane.

0:19:170:19:19

Get off me, will ya?

0:19:190:19:20

-Mand, let go of the man's arm.

-Please.

0:19:200:19:22

-Shall I get the manager?

-Stay out of this.

0:19:220:19:24

It's between me and him. What can we give so we can have it?

0:19:240:19:26

-Let me have me arm back and I'll tell you.

-Just leave it, will ya?

0:19:260:19:30

Come 'ead.

0:19:300:19:31

No.

0:19:310:19:33

-What are you doing?

-Just let it go.

0:19:330:19:35

-They're getting away!

-Just...let it go.

0:19:350:19:37

What's happened to me?

0:19:410:19:42

I don't know.

0:19:420:19:44

I blame you.

0:19:450:19:46

Oh, it's funny, that(!)

0:19:480:19:50

TANNOY JINGLE

0:19:500:19:51

'Paint spillage on aisle four. Can someone get a mop, please?'

0:19:510:19:54

I knew I'd find you here.

0:19:540:19:55

Just look at them all. They make me so happy.

0:19:570:20:01

Isn't that that buzz saw

0:20:010:20:02

what the man on YouTube sawed his fingers off with?

0:20:020:20:05

Well remembered, son.

0:20:050:20:07

Ah, and look at this beautiful jigsaw.

0:20:070:20:10

You've got one. You've got two, in fact. Come on.

0:20:100:20:13

Nothing to see here.

0:20:130:20:14

-GASPS

-But look at that!

0:20:140:20:17

I think that was the last one in the country.

0:20:240:20:26

GASPS

0:20:260:20:27

(Where is Gavin?)

0:20:370:20:39

-'Ere y'are, son. I want a word with you.

-Oh, Eileen, yeah.

0:20:410:20:44

-Well...

-Oh, here he is.

0:20:440:20:47

-CHUCKLES

-You not hiding in your cupboard?

0:20:470:20:49

-No. You're just talking to yourself.

-CHUCKLES

0:20:490:20:53

What a joke.

0:20:530:20:54

How dare she talk to you like that?

0:20:540:20:58

How dare she...y-you... talk to me like that!

0:20:580:21:01

You what?

0:21:010:21:02

You heard what I said.

0:21:020:21:03

You heard what I said.

0:21:040:21:06

There's going to be some changes round here.

0:21:060:21:09

There's going to be some changes round here.

0:21:090:21:11

Oh, I don't think so!

0:21:110:21:13

I'm the manager...

0:21:130:21:15

and I'm in charge...and you're all going to have to do as I say.

0:21:150:21:18

Ooh, scary(!)

0:21:180:21:20

Nan, who are you talking to?

0:21:200:21:22

Hang on a mo, chick.

0:21:220:21:24

Hang on a mo, chick. CARMEL LAUGHS

0:21:240:21:26

He's lost the plot!

0:21:260:21:27

No, it's you that's lost...

0:21:270:21:29

No, it's you that's lost the plot.

0:21:290:21:31

And I've had enough of your... backchat and your nasty...

0:21:310:21:35

-Ness.

-..ness.

0:21:350:21:37

You're fired.

0:21:370:21:38

You're fired.

0:21:380:21:40

-LAUGHS

-You can't fire me!

0:21:400:21:42

-Want a bet?

-There's procedures.

0:21:420:21:45

You've got to give me a verbal AND a written warning first.

0:21:450:21:49

See, you don't even know how this works.

0:21:490:21:52

How can you be the manager?

0:21:520:21:55

I was going to fire you when I saw you...

0:21:550:21:58

I was going to fire you anyway, for...

0:21:580:22:01

robbing the bay trees this afternoon.

0:22:010:22:03

That wasn't me. I don't even like trees.

0:22:040:22:08

Is that true?

0:22:080:22:09

Yeah, I saw her earlier.

0:22:090:22:10

-Well, that's a sackable offence.

-Yeah, I would have thought so.

0:22:100:22:14

So, clear out your locker.

0:22:140:22:16

I want you out of here within the hour.

0:22:160:22:18

And all the bay trees returned,

0:22:180:22:20

or I'll call the police and they can handle you.

0:22:200:22:23

And anyone else I find doing the same thing

0:22:230:22:25

will be heading the same way. Do you understand me?

0:22:250:22:27

Good.

0:22:270:22:29

My work here is done.

0:22:300:22:32

EILEEN CHUCKLES

0:22:320:22:34

You distract them, I'll get the trolley.

0:22:370:22:39

No way.

0:22:390:22:40

Just do it!

0:22:400:22:42

Hiya.

0:22:480:22:49

I just want to apologise for me wife earlier.

0:22:500:22:52

I don't know what got into her.

0:22:520:22:54

I think she's going through the change or something.

0:22:540:22:56

This is a good choice.

0:23:030:23:06

Me mum got this fitted recently and she loved it.

0:23:060:23:08

Oh, thanks, love.

0:23:080:23:09

All right, Mum? We were going to

0:23:090:23:11

come and help you choose a shower now.

0:23:110:23:13

I'm fine. I've picked one meself, thanks.

0:23:130:23:15

You lot have been no help whatsoever.

0:23:150:23:17

What have you bought?

0:23:170:23:19

Just a few things. Got a bit carried away.

0:23:210:23:24

What a great day out. Who needs theme parks?

0:23:240:23:26

See you later, Mum.

0:23:260:23:27

-See ya.

-Bye.

0:23:270:23:29

Can you get off our backs? We are leaving.

0:23:300:23:32

TANNOY: 'Half-price winter sale on kitchens and bathrooms. Hurry.

0:23:320:23:36

'Offer ends today.'

0:23:360:23:37

-Mum. I'll fit your shower for you.

-Oh, thanks, son.

0:23:370:23:40

-Do you want me to get one of the men here to do it for you?

-Could you?

0:23:400:23:42

Yeah.

0:23:420:23:44

CHUCKLES

0:23:440:23:45

Quick, Dad, drive! Drive!

0:23:560:23:59

That's mine!

0:23:590:24:01

Oi!

0:24:010:24:02

-Mine!

-Shut the door, Mand!

0:24:020:24:05

Bog off!

0:24:050:24:06

We could have gone to Alton Towers, the amount of money we've spent.

0:24:080:24:11

Or Disney World in Florida.

0:24:110:24:13

Yeah, but would it have been as much fun?

0:24:130:24:15

But I thought we weren't allowed to spend any more money on gadgets.

0:24:150:24:18

Especially not another drill.

0:24:180:24:20

My point exactly!

0:24:200:24:21

But this is pink, for girls! And it's mine!

0:24:210:24:26

DRILL WHIRRS

0:24:260:24:27

Ohhh! Whoo!

0:24:270:24:30

Oh, it's gorgeous!

0:24:300:24:32

Mum's freaking me out.

0:24:320:24:34

SHE SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT

0:24:340:24:36

How you getting on?

0:24:360:24:38

Nearly done, boss.

0:24:380:24:39

Can you believe it?

0:24:410:24:43

They're terrified of you.

0:24:430:24:44

I bet there's no hiding in the cupboard now.

0:24:440:24:46

I do use it as me office sometimes.

0:24:460:24:48

-It's me safe space.

-Oh, Gavin.

0:24:480:24:50

Is there anything else to check while we're here?

0:24:500:24:52

Well, there was a few things.

0:24:520:24:55

Hmm.

0:24:550:24:56

Hmm.

0:25:000:25:02

Er...

0:25:020:25:04

BOTH LAUGH

0:25:040:25:06

Will I ever get my dream bathroom?

0:25:080:25:10

I wouldn't bet on it.

0:25:100:25:12

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0:25:410:25:44

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