DIY Being Eileen

SHE HUMS

-Hiya, Pete.

-I've been playing five-a-side

with the lads and I thought I'd pop round for a cuppa.

Ahh. D'you get beat again?

-Yeah.

-How many by?

15-0.

Ohh. You're rubbish, aren't you?

Oh, thanks, Mum(!)

-CHUCKLES

-Look at the state of you!

You've got mud here...and there.

-Come here.

-Mother.

Let me just jump in the shower, eh? CHUCKLES

-I'll put the kettle on.

-OK.

Ooh! Pete!

Don't use the shower! It's playing up!

You what? I can't hear ya.

It'll be fine, then it just goes ice cold all of a sudden...

Whoa-ho-hoooaaaaahhh!

...then scalding hot.

Aaarrrrrrrrgggghhh!

Too late.

Shower's broke.

Oh, you don't say(!)

Ooh, you look a bit red.

Oh, it's only third-degree burns.

How long's it been like that?

Oh, a while. Drink your tea.

You should have said.

Oh, it's fine. I've been having baths or...using the flannel.

Mum, you should have told me.

I'm here for anything needs fixing.

I tried to look at it meself. I used your dad's old do-it-yourself book.

But it's so old it hasn't even got showers in it.

LAUGHS

Is this where me dad got all his mad do-it-yourself ideas from?

Yeah.

Hey, do you remember when he tried to make me a bike out of wood?

D'you remember all the splinters from the saddle?

Oh, don't, I can still feel 'em.

He was good at little jobs round the house, though.

There's some of his old scribblings and doodles here.

Remember this?

His combined swing, slide and shed contraption.

Thank God it never left the drawing board.

'Ey, come on. Put it away.

Right. We're going to get you a new shower today.

Oh, no, do it another day.

Is there anything else needs fixing?

Not really.

Door to the garage still doesn't shut

and that light's gone again in the kitchen.

You know, if it gets dark

I can cook with a little torch or light a candle.

We'll start with the shower, eh?

Take that home with you if you like.

'Shall I lock up, or will you wait, Jim?

'I told you, I'll wait.

'Can I do anything, Jim?

'No. Thanks.'

I'm just popping down the DIY.

What? Are you serious?!

Er, yeah.

Can't believe it.

We're going to get my magical dream bathroom today?

Oh, yeah. Of course, yeah.

What's brought this on?

I just thought you'd...suffered enough.

Well, I never thought this day would come.

This will change my life.

Your life. This...will cement our marriage.

It's only a bleedin' bathroom.

At last, we're getting rid of it.

Depresses me every time I see it.

Avocado green with granny tiles. What were they thinking?

Geriatric hand rail,

shower like someone's doing a wet fart on your head.

Oh, it's all going to be luxury-ness!

Oh, God, I've picked that "ness" thing up from your mum.

Yeah, please don't do that.

Shall we make a day of it, just me and you?

-Erm...

-'Ey, kids, me and your dad are popping out.

You're all right your own. And, 'ey, no more fires.

-Where are you going? We want to come.

-No, you don't.

-It's just the shops.

-We want to come and spoil all your fun.

Which shop are you going to? What are you buying?

Just boring stuff that you don't like.

-ETHAN:

-Oh, we like boring stuff now.

It's fine. Nothing'll get in the way of me and my new bathroom.

Is that your mum?

Oh, didn't I mention she was coming?

-No. Why is she coming?

-Hiya, Nan.

Just for the journey. You know, the more the merrier.

The more the merrier? At Wickes?!

I didn't know you were coming, Eileen.

Neither did I till half an hour ago.

Pete's sorting me out with a new shower.

You what? We're going for my new bathroom.

Well, we can do both. Kill two birds with one brick.

-SIGHS:

-So that's the real reason you wanted to go.

-I was an afterthought, as usual?

-Of course not.

I said to Mum, "I want to get Mandy's bathroom, she's waited too long."

And then, I thought about me mum's shower. Didn't I, Mum?

Yeah. Yeah, it's me that's the afterthought, love, not you.

-As long as we get it, it doesn't matter.

-We will.

-MANDY:

-And, Ethan, if I hear or smell the slightest trump out of you...

Have you done one already?

-Wasn't me.

-MANDY:

-Melissa!

EILEEN: Pwhoar, Melissa.

Right, I want no dicking about.

We get in, get the stuff and get out of here.

I know what these places are like,

you end up coming out with all manner of shite.

Raarr! I'm going to get you!

Is that Jack? And Liam?

-Hiya!

-Cooee!

What are they doing here?

PETE: I don't know.

Oh, Paula texted me, wanted to know what I was up to.

Any other members of your family we're missing out on?

I know, why don't you give your Auntie Marge a call?

Or, how about one-legged Uncle Fred?

Or your cousin Karl and all his ferrets?

Look, all right. You've made your point.

Hiya.

Isn't this great?

Ray and the kids, they love their DIY.

-We were thinking of going to a theme park.

-You were.

But Paula heard you lot were coming here and it's almost as good as.

And he's serious. But it is cheaper and only five minutes from home.

Look at Liam, all dressed for the part.

With do-it-yourself it's all about...

Safety first.

You'd be surprised the number of accidents

that people have while doing DIY.

It is the biggest killer in the home.

Did you know that 1,500 people had accidents last year

just hanging wallpaper?

Ooh, you don't say.

Can we just go?

Is anyone a bit peckish?

Shall we have a break? It's dinner time now.

-Yeah.

-We've only just got here.

There's a nice place just there.

Perfect.

Are youse coming, or what?

I don't know what to have.

-Ohh, I do like an onion ring.

-Mmm.

What are you having, Mand?

Why is it taking so long? I just want to get out of here.

Oh, it's not them, it's us.

Jack likes his burger plain,

Liam likes it with lettuce, cheese and no burger.

And it foxes them every time.

I don't want any mayonnaise in that one,

and then I'll have the chicken burger in that one, with fries,

erm, and, er, a coffee, but I don't want milk in that one, OK?

-OK.

-Yeah, have you got that again? So...

So, you're going for this one?

Yeah.

Right.

-I like it.

-I would have maybe gone for something a bit more modern.

I'm not sure about baths on legs. Isn't it a bit Downton Abbey?

Well, it's a good job we're getting it and not you.

Shall we go and do this?

Ah, do we have to?

You know, a bathroom says a lot about a person.

Er, the colour, the materials,

even down to how you put the toilet roll out.

Whether you have the paper out the front, down the back,

or leave it on the side...

Yeah, fascinating as this is, I'm going.

Anybody want the toilet before we go?

-Me.

-And me.

Yeah, me too.

We don't have to do everything all together. We're not the Waltons.

Yeah, but it's more fun this way, isn't it?

Great fun(!)

TANNOY CHIMES

'Staff announcement. Would the manager...'

Did you know that screwdrivers

are one of the most dangerous tools you can have?

You get more accidents with a simple screwdriver

than you do with axes or welding equipment.

I'd quite like an axe right now.

You do know we're not actually buying anything today?

You've enough drills, saws and gadgets to open a branch.

You can look and touch but you can't buy.

I know, I know. It's just for fun.

Why don't you go and get what you need and we'll sort this for me mum.

I'll do this. This was my idea.

Remember we're here to get a bathroom.

But I know what she wants.

-I am still here, you know.

-I knew I'd get sidelined.

As soon as me mum said what you were doing,

I knew I had to come to make sure she got the right one.

If we left it to you, it'd never happen.

If we left to you, who knows what she'd end up with.

-Some marble and gold monstrosity.

-What are you saying?

God save us!

Mum...

-Ah, this is dead boring.

-Why did we come?

-Why don't you play with the drills?

-BOTH: Yeah!

-Give us me bag before you go.

-You what?

I asked you to look after me bag for two seconds. Where is it?

Oh, I don't know. Have I left it in Burger King?

Or in the car? Do you need it?

No, that was me spare bag with nothing in it(!)

The real one with me purse, me phone and the brochure is just here.

Don't have a go at me.

If you didn't want to lose it, you shouldn't have give it to me.

You know how I like to lose things.

TANNOY JINGLE

'Staff announcement. Could the manager come to...'

-Can I help you, madam?

-No, you can't.

You're acting suspiciously.

No, I'm not. I'm looking for me bag in me car.

How do I know it's your car?

Because I've got the keys... right here. See?

We get a lot of robberies from this car park.

-How do I know you haven't stolen them keys?

-Are you for real?

Have you seen the state of this car?

All the shite in it? Who'd want to rob this?

I've got me eye on you.

Oh, it's not here.

Bog off.

Look at this one, with water coming all out the walls.

She just wants a straightforward shower, not the Trevi Fountain.

I quite like this one.

You could get one with a chair in it. You know, for when your hips go.

I'm not an old nana yet!

Wouldn't you like a wet room?

So the whole room is like a shower. You can get water everywhere.

I would be slipping and sliding all over the place.

Look, why don't I just take care of this, eh?

What about the rest of your bathroom, Mum?

-Cos you could get a corner bath.

-I just want a shower, nothing else.

RAY: Ah, now, you've got to be careful.

I read about this bloke that had a heavy corner bath fitted

and when the water went in it went right through the floor.

Squashed his wife, in the living room downstairs, flat as a pancake.

Potentially lethal, corner baths.

We're not leaving until you've eaten that all.

That means your gherkin too.

Don't be trying to shove it in the plants like you did last time.

SIGHS

LAUGHS

Faster, faster. Come on, Ethan, faster!

Isn't that lovely the way that opens?

And closes!

Ray? Ray, where are you going?

No power tools!

'Ere y'are, this one'll do. What d'you reckon to this one, Mum?

Where the frig's she gone now?

And this is me son's plastic dog poo.

One tissue, used.

Slotted spoon. Don't know why that's there.

OK, OK, I believe they're yours.

I'm so pleased.

Yeah, but I'm always watching.

Oh, that's nice.

TANNOY JINGLE

'Staff announcement.

'Will Gavin the manager come to the staff meeting, please?'

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Oh, Gavin, it's you.

Hiya, Mrs Lewis.

Oh, call me Eileen. How's your mam?

Oh, she's much better, thanks, yeah. She's on some new tablets.

-Ah.

-Seems to be doing the trick.

She's not seeing the goblins so much now.

Oh, that's good.

-So, what are you here for?

-God only knows.

Apparently a shower.

Oh, well, we've got some great offers on.

Excuse me.

Do you know, if I had this kitchen,

I'd spend all day just opening and closing this drawer.

Lovely action.

Yeah.

-Is she gone?

-Yeah. I thought you worked here.

I do. I'm the manager now.

But I can't cope. I've been...overpromoted

and I don't know what I'm doing.

And I'm...I'm meant to be running the place.

So, you thought you'd climb into a cupboard?

I used to hide in the garden bit over there

but they kept finding me in the shrubbery.

It's her, it's Carmel I'm hiding from.

You see, she wanted to be manager but I got it and now she's livid.

Ohh. You were always a sensitive kid.

-You were terrified of the ice-cream man.

-Mm.

But this is no way to deal with it.

But it...it blocks out all the sound.

You see, when I'm in here I can hardly hear 'em

all bing-bonging me around the shop.

It can't be that bad.

They all think I'm useless.

And...I am.

Gavin? What the hell are you doing?

Well... Well...I...I was, erm... I was just...

He was just helping me.

I'm...trying to buy a cupboard and...

I didn't know which one to buy, so he's testing it for me.

-How's that one, love?

-It's good.

Nice access, in and...and out.

You didn't need to get inside the cupboard.

Of course he does.

How else am I going to know if it's right?

-I've got to be able to get in and out.

-Exactly.

You do know you're meant to be at a staff meeting now?

You should have been there, not here.

But the customer always comes first.

Oh, of course. Of course.

Can I, er, steal him away now?

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's been a great help.

I don't know how I'd have managed without him.

Thank you.

And, er, see you later, Gavin.

That is the...name on your badge, isn't it, love?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Mrs...customer...lady.

Oh, dear.

I like this one the best. It's got a dead nice finish.

Aren't there any doorbells we can play with?

Excuse me, kids, but this isn't a playground, you know.

Where's your mum and dad?

I don't know. They dumped us here and went off shopping.

We get that a lot.

They don't even care about us.

They're probably stuffing their faces in Mackie D's right now.

And we haven't eaten all day. I'm so hungry, I might faint.

If I knew the ChildLine number, I would call it.

It's disgraceful. I can see you're good kids.

-Oh, yeah, we are.

-We really are.

Come with me.

-Where are you going now?

-He's going to buy something, I know.

I give up.

Ah, thanks, Janice. These poor things haven't eaten all day.

Oh, thank you.

Ah, thanks!

So, can you really see what's going on from in here?

Oh, yeah. All-seeing eye. Never miss a trick.

This is brilliant. I want all this in me bedroom.

There's some strange ones out there today.

These are a bit odd.

Yeah. They look funny.

What about that bloke?

No, he's fine. It's this one I've got me eye on.

She's SO dodgy.

Mm-hm. Now, that there, that's a serious shoplifter.

Deffo.

Wouldn't take me eye off her.

Don't worry, I've got her number.

'Ey, Pete.

Have you escaped to come and look at power tools with me and the boys?

I was abandoned, more like.

What's your favourite power tool?

Er...

Yeah. It's tricky, isn't it?

Well, there's so many to choose from, isn't there?

I can still remember the day I got me new Makita drill

like it was yesterday.

Changed my life. Almost as much as me iPhone.

And the calculator...

I should go and find me mum. Or me wife.

We're going to look at grinders and disc cutters.

D'you want to join us?

I think I'm all right, thanks, Ray.

TANNOY JINGLE

'Come and get the bathroom you've always dreamed of. In store today.'

Ooh, that's lovely.

Ooh...

GUARD: 'We need to get the system replaced.'

Some of them just go on the blink like that.

You cheeky little mare.

So what we normally do with lost kids is tell the police

and let them deal with it.

Look, that dodgy shoplifting woman's up to something.

Nah, she looks fine to me. This time.

DOOR CLOSES

-It's there. At last.

-Oh, what a relief.

And there's only one left.

Why didn't you just say, "I'm taking me mum to get a shower,"

and admit you'd forgotten about the bathroom?

-I hadn't forgotten.

-Course you had.

Just admit it. I don't mind.

-OK, I forgot.

-How could you forget?

It's the only thing I've wanted for years.

Look, me mum's got no-one to do the things around the house for her now.

She's been having a wash with a flannel and cooking by candlelight.

All because she doesn't want to create a fuss.

So I'm sorry I forgot, but I want to be there for her.

SHRIEKING

CRASH

-What's that?

-It'll be them two, I can guarantee.

-What did you do that for?!

-It was completely by accident.

Shall we just pretend we don't know them?

Oh, can we, please?

-You'll not die, it's a tin of paint.

-Funny(!)

Let's just get this bloody bathroom.

-You are joking!

-Oh, great(!)

Excuse me, but that's ours.

No, I think you might find that this is ours.

We were about to pick it up. We turned away for two seconds.

To have an argument.

-You missed your chance, then.

-Yeah, no, you don't understand.

I've got to have this one. I've got me heart set on it.

You don't know how long I've waited.

This bathroom suite is the only thing that keeps me sane.

Get off me, will ya?

-Mand, let go of the man's arm.

-Please.

-Shall I get the manager?

-Stay out of this.

It's between me and him. What can we give so we can have it?

-Let me have me arm back and I'll tell you.

-Just leave it, will ya?

Come 'ead.

No.

-What are you doing?

-Just let it go.

-They're getting away!

-Just...let it go.

What's happened to me?

I don't know.

I blame you.

Oh, it's funny, that(!)

TANNOY JINGLE

'Paint spillage on aisle four. Can someone get a mop, please?'

I knew I'd find you here.

Just look at them all. They make me so happy.

Isn't that that buzz saw

what the man on YouTube sawed his fingers off with?

Well remembered, son.

Ah, and look at this beautiful jigsaw.

You've got one. You've got two, in fact. Come on.

Nothing to see here.

-GASPS

-But look at that!

I think that was the last one in the country.

GASPS

(Where is Gavin?)

-'Ere y'are, son. I want a word with you.

-Oh, Eileen, yeah.

-Well...

-Oh, here he is.

-CHUCKLES

-You not hiding in your cupboard?

-No. You're just talking to yourself.

-CHUCKLES

What a joke.

How dare she talk to you like that?

How dare she...y-you... talk to me like that!

You what?

You heard what I said.

You heard what I said.

There's going to be some changes round here.

There's going to be some changes round here.

Oh, I don't think so!

I'm the manager...

and I'm in charge...and you're all going to have to do as I say.

Ooh, scary(!)

Nan, who are you talking to?

Hang on a mo, chick.

Hang on a mo, chick. CARMEL LAUGHS

He's lost the plot!

No, it's you that's lost...

No, it's you that's lost the plot.

And I've had enough of your... backchat and your nasty...

-Ness.

-..ness.

You're fired.

You're fired.

-LAUGHS

-You can't fire me!

-Want a bet?

-There's procedures.

You've got to give me a verbal AND a written warning first.

See, you don't even know how this works.

How can you be the manager?

I was going to fire you when I saw you...

I was going to fire you anyway, for...

robbing the bay trees this afternoon.

That wasn't me. I don't even like trees.

Is that true?

Yeah, I saw her earlier.

-Well, that's a sackable offence.

-Yeah, I would have thought so.

So, clear out your locker.

I want you out of here within the hour.

And all the bay trees returned,

or I'll call the police and they can handle you.

And anyone else I find doing the same thing

will be heading the same way. Do you understand me?

Good.

My work here is done.

EILEEN CHUCKLES

You distract them, I'll get the trolley.

No way.

Just do it!

Hiya.

I just want to apologise for me wife earlier.

I don't know what got into her.

I think she's going through the change or something.

This is a good choice.

Me mum got this fitted recently and she loved it.

Oh, thanks, love.

All right, Mum? We were going to

come and help you choose a shower now.

I'm fine. I've picked one meself, thanks.

You lot have been no help whatsoever.

What have you bought?

Just a few things. Got a bit carried away.

What a great day out. Who needs theme parks?

See you later, Mum.

-See ya.

-Bye.

Can you get off our backs? We are leaving.

TANNOY: 'Half-price winter sale on kitchens and bathrooms. Hurry.

'Offer ends today.'

-Mum. I'll fit your shower for you.

-Oh, thanks, son.

-Do you want me to get one of the men here to do it for you?

-Could you?

Yeah.

CHUCKLES

Quick, Dad, drive! Drive!

That's mine!

Oi!

-Mine!

-Shut the door, Mand!

Bog off!

We could have gone to Alton Towers, the amount of money we've spent.

Or Disney World in Florida.

Yeah, but would it have been as much fun?

But I thought we weren't allowed to spend any more money on gadgets.

Especially not another drill.

My point exactly!

But this is pink, for girls! And it's mine!

DRILL WHIRRS

Ohhh! Whoo!

Oh, it's gorgeous!

Mum's freaking me out.

SHE SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT

How you getting on?

Nearly done, boss.

Can you believe it?

They're terrified of you.

I bet there's no hiding in the cupboard now.

I do use it as me office sometimes.

-It's me safe space.

-Oh, Gavin.

Is there anything else to check while we're here?

Well, there was a few things.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Er...

BOTH LAUGH

Will I ever get my dream bathroom?

I wouldn't bet on it.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd