Adam's Family Being Human

I'm coming to get you!

There's enough going on without you crossing over into the afterlife.

Mitchell, isn't it?

-So, this is purgatory?

-Strictly speaking, it's your purgatory.

-Mitchell!

-Is anything going on between you guys?

-You saved me.

-It was nothing. Mind games, that's all.

-SHE WHISPERS:

-You're going to be killed by a werewolf.

A wolf-shaped bullet.

Some strong language and scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

TAP RUNS

I still don't see why we have to move.

You know why, son.

But I was starting to settle.

And there's a girl in upper sixth.

I think she likes me. You should see her, Dad.

She's like a Bangle. You know, the band.

If we move, I'll never get to see her knocks.

Hey! Less of that talk.

-What? You say it when Anneka Rice is on.

-Yeah, I'm a grown-up.

-Like you're allowed to be?!

-This is all for you, Adam, all of it.

-I know.

You think me and your mother want to move again?

I know.

Oh, look, we don't blame you, son.

We don't.

It's just people are already asking questions.

-Fine.

-Where are you going?

-I'm hungry.

-No. No, son. Look, I'll see to you.

-It's Mum's turn.

-No, I said I'll do it.

Come on, son.

# I'm only human

# Born to make mistakes... #

Annie?

-How are you feeling?

-Feeling?

I'm fine. Why?

I just wanted to say that if you ever want to talk about it, you know...

Oh, yeah, no. It...it wasn't actually all that bad.

Annie, you were in purgatory.

Yeah, I know, but I've...I've been to the Isle of Wight...

-SHE CHUCKLES

-..so it's not really that much of a culture shock.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

OK.

Well, um...good luck with the interview, Mitchell.

-Interview?

-Cheers, matey.

Yeah, when they started at the hospital they put my name down for a cleaning job

-and the interview's this morning.

-Oh.

-Bye, see you later!

-See you later.

-Bye!

-See you!

In that case, you'd better build your strength up.

-I'll get started on the pancakes.

-Hey!

I didn't drag you back from that place to make me breakfast, Annie.

No, but I do think I was brought back for a reason.

I missed you.

We missed you. Everyone...we all missed you.

Well, think about it. Not everyone can say they've been to hell and back.

Well, they can say it.

It's a very common saying. But actually mean it...

Ooh, that reminds me. I have to iron your free paper.

-Why?

-Why? Well, I'm not quite sure.

-But I saw it on The House Of Eliott.

-I've got to go.

But...but what about your fry-up and the pancakes? And there's a fruit platter.

My interview.

Of course. No, your interview, yeah.

Oh. Thanks, Annie.

This was really sweet, if a little crazy thing to do.

-It doesn't stop there. I'm coming with you to your interview.

-Ooh...

Mitchell.

Wherever you go from here, I've got your back.

Just think of me as your guardian angel.

Right, tie.

Tell me what your first job is so I can picture you.

Er...chronic constipation. I have to do a digital evacuation.

Ooh!

-Ew!

-No, it isn't!

It's a Mr Jacobs, old guy. Collapsed in the car park.

Well, then, I will picture you mopping his troubled brow.

Aw! And I will picture you mopping up piddle.

-Hot(!)

-See you.

See you.

Morning, Mr Jacobs.

How are you today?

George. George!

Stop him. Stop him.

Oh, God!

Thank you.

CHAINS RATTLING

And where do you think you're going?

Oh, I thought I'd try my luck in Haematology.

I know what you are.

So, you know what I'll do if you come any nearer, Goldie.

-What, like the rapper?

-No, the Blue Peter dog.

Oh, right, yeah, cos...

Oh, yeah. That's, um...cutting.

But, you know, having worked with drunks in A&E for two years,

it takes a little more than that to scare me.

Look, I'm not some naughty little kid.

Yeah, draining a defenceless old man of blood is a step beyond naughty.

Now...settle!

OK, um...just keep telling yourself, "I've got this job."

I've turned up. I have got this job.

Ah, the banks have crunched. Do not get cocky.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much for the vote of confidence.

And keep saying the interviewer's name. That builds a bond.

Like, "Yes, Ken. You're right, Ken.

"I totally agree with you...Ken."

-See?

-Mr Mitchell.

-Yeah.

-Don't call her Ken.

Hmm.

Seriously.

It was a fly. I was...

I was just swatting a fly.

-ANNIE:

-Look at the effort he's made.

-Hmm? She can't hear me, can she? Ha-ha!

-No.

Sorry?

No...fly.

I, um...I saw that, er... Jeff Goldblum film last night. The Fly.

It left me completely paranoid!

Freaking. Oh, not in a mad way.

-Stop talking.

-Just, er...

I just thought I might have seen a fly...

-Stop.

-..kind of.

I see you have plenty of experience in this role.

-That is right.

-Say her name.

-Mrs...

-Um... Oh. Maw? Um...Moo?

That's right, missus.

Loads.

-Tell her how much you enjoy the work.

-Oh, it...it...

This...this job would...

You were inspired by Florence Nightingale to bring cleanliness to the wards.

-Oh, God, you know?

-Don't say God. She might be religious.

Shit!

-God was better.

-It isn't a complicated job.

I've done it before, I can do it again. What more is there to say?

Oh.

I don't think there's... anything more to say.

SHE SIGHS

Knocked back from wiping up shite.

Er...well, that was an inside job.

They'll be forced to advertise for legal reasons, but a cushty number like that?

I mean, she'll have a mate lined up. It'll be fine.

I'm not quite sure how, exactly, just yet.

But there is a perfect solution to this, and...

Oi.

Trust your guardian angel to find it.

They shouldn't let your sort work in a hospital.

Our sort?

Does the FA Cup here make you wear that uniform while he's doing you doggy style?

You're in enough trouble, young man, without getting pervy.

Trouble? That's my dad up there.

This is no worse than a baby sucking its mother's tit.

Beautifully put.

So, given your dad's age, I'm guessing your condition isn't a new thing?

-Where's your mother?

-She's dead.

Right, sorry. So, is somebody else looking after you?

Just Dad. He's not doing a top job.

-Great.

-Oh.

Nina, no. We are not getting involved.

-We can't let a teenage vampire loose on the street.

-Er...I'm 46.

There you go, he's 46... Really?

Not emotionally, he isn't. Like he said, he's still effectively being breast-fed.

Well, if you're offering.

Oh, can you not ask my girlfriend to suckle you, please?

Look, you'll have to pull a sickie and take him back to the house.

-Why?

-Look, this is Mitchell's territory.

-He'll know what to do.

-This is not our problem.

But it's only till his dad recovers

and then we can leave them both to it.

All right?

-Oh...!

-Right, you're going home with George.

-What, to your kennel?

-There go my kidneys as my sides split(!)

-Up.

-Yeah, like you're the boss of me.

John Mitchell?

Who's asking?

You're a worryingly easy man to find.

We assumed you'd be keeping a low profile,

and then suddenly your name pops up on a job application.

Bad move, that. Sloppy.

Who are you?

Oh.

Richard Hargreaves.

Oh, right, so all this cloak-and-dagger stuff is to sell me a rug, is it?

Sarcasm. How unsurprising.

I'm here on behalf of the Old Ones.

The, er...the vampire elite.

They've entrusted me as their agent.

-Get out!

-Mm-hm.

Is it true how they live?

All that hardcore Hammer horror shit,

avoiding sunlight, and sleeping in coffins and that?

I don't know. I wouldn't be so impertinent as to ask.

Well, so, this is what all the fuss was about.

You know, I expected some...demon.

What do I find? The last Russell Brand in the shop.

With me.

No, I'm sorry, pal, I'm not going anywhere.

-MAN CHUCKLES

-Oh.

Oh, I think you are.

You see,

I'm here to discuss the Box Tunnel 20.

Come on.

Home sweet home.

It's a shit-hole.

Yes, but it's our shit-hole so show some manners.

I could tell you many stories about cheap B&B's like this, George, many stories.

And I don't want to hear any of them.

-Well, hello.

-Oh, I thought I heard the door.

Well, did you hear my heart begin to beat a little faster?

No, no. No, definitely the door.

You sure it wasn't the buttons on my fly pinging off one by one?

You know, because of...

my lob-on?

Oh, you filthy little...

-Annie, this is Adam.

-Hello.

Adam is a vampire.

-Isn't that fantastic(?)

-Yeah.

Adam is going to be staying with us for as short a time as possible.

Upstairs. You can find a room to sit

and think about the way you've just behaved.

-Catch you later, sweet cheeks.

-Go.

-Don't ask.

-OK.

Have you any idea of the trouble your little escapade has caused?

I mean, have you seen a newspaper in the last four weeks?

This is the biggest manhunt for a century,

and you're strutting around in broad daylight.

What happens when the police catch up with you?

When they try to take your picture?

All our cover is blown.

An entire race, hidden for millennia, exposed by your weakness.

Oh, come on. I'd never get arrested. I know what to do.

Clearly not.

Which is why the Old Ones contacted me.

They want you to join them in South America,

and they've asked me to organise transit.

You'll travel with my next shipment.

Keep these papers with you and they'll guarantee your safe passage.

The details are all inside under some, er...cash for emergencies.

Oh, and while on board, you are not, I repeat NOT, to touch any of my carpets.

Oh, wait, wait a second. I'm not an Old One. I'm 117.

You are the most wanted man in the country.

Hardly the time to quibble about your age.

But once I'm there, there's no coming back, right?

No, well, why would you want to, eh?

Come back to this?!

Desperation, debauchery, on the fringe of society? A slave to your lust and hunger?

HE CHUCKLES You know, there's nothing funnier

than a vampire taking the moral high ground. Underneath the driving gloves

and the business cards, we're all the same, brother.

Oh, let me make this clear. We are not the same.

I am not a servant to my condition.

I have systems in place that allow me to feed without this carnage.

You are weak.

You are craven.

And your...pathetic tantrums threaten us all.

Hmm?

This is not me accepting.

This room here on the left will be your room.

On the right, take note, is the bathroom, if you need to wee-wee or something else.

Now, this here is your room. Isn't that fantastic?

I think there is a game of Buckaroo downstairs.

One of the other guests must have left it behind.

Bucka-fucking-roo?

Yes.

It's a fantastic game for two to eight players.

Oh, for...forget it. I was just trying to think of things to keep you occupied.

I can keep myself occupied.

Oh, God, you're a teenage boy. Of course you can.

-Hello!

-Shit a brick! Don't you knock?

Oh, no, I don't have to. Being dead has some perks.

Not with me. I don't want ghosts popping up all over the place. It freaks me out.

You're a 46-year-old vampire who dresses like a child.

Don't call her freaky. Up.

Anyway, just, er...came to see how you boys are getting on.

Uh. Badly.

Ah. Ow!

He just...he just kicked me! Annie, tell him off.

-DOOR SHUTS

-Oh, that's Mitchell.

-I'd better warn him about this. Can...

-Yeah, yeah.

Just put the Hoover round and maybe just dust a little. Thanks.

Mitchell? Is that another ghost? It's bloody Hogwarts, this place.

No, Mitchell is a vampire, actually.

Vamp... At last, someone normal.

I'd better go and...

Are you going to do both beds?

-Do both beds. Do...

-OK.

Just in case, you know, in the night, me and you just want to...

in the night, just sort of do that.

-You've got to be joking.

-It won't be for long.

It's just until his dad recovers, and then he'll be gone.

I will make sure of it.

We just thought, with you having gone through it...

Me going through it is exactly why I can't have him in the house.

The kid's still feeding. Staying clean from meat is a day-by-day...

No, no, a minute-by-minute thing.

How will I manage if he's giving it, "Oh, let's go out on the razz,

"find some women, drink them dry"?

Oh, I'm sure he'd never...

-No, that does sound quite like him.

-Yeah.

And that's why I want him gone.

You could be his role model, teach him how to beat it.

No, no, no. You've picked the wrong man.

I don't think so.

Ah, Mitchell, my bro.

-Yes.

-OK. Brilliant, brilliant.

OK, I know we all got off to a bad start, but I'm thinking if we all pull together,

this could be an interesting, enriching and very brief experience for us all.

Yeah, level with me, Mitch. How do you stick it with this sad-arse?

I think you need a new wingman.

I, sir, am a registered poon hound.

Have you ever actually had sex, Adam?

You know, proper balls-deep sex?

Have you touched a boob?

Be honest with me, Adam. Have you ever even touched a boob?

Because... Ha-ha-ha!

..I have.

Loads!

Ah, someone doth protest too much.

You don't come near me.

But, Mitch, we're like brothers in arms.

I'll have a Scotch.

This is near me.

This is where I told you not to be.

Look, I've never met anyone like me before.

Apart from the first time, and that was mostly fighting him off. Badly.

Please. No-one's ever taught me how to do this.

Adam, here's the thing, right? I don't care.

Yeah, like I want to hang out with some whiffy Goth anyway.

-Excuse me?

-Just cos you're a vampire doesn't mean you have to smell like the undead.

One word, Mitch. Deodorant. Tch!

-Oh, good. You two have met.

-He's just leaving.

You want to watch yourself with this one.

She's been giving me the glad eye ever since I arrived.

-Loves a bit of fang.

-I do not!

That is a terrible thing to say. I do not like a bit of fang.

Not his fang, or anyone else's.

Er...you know, I'm not ruling it out. Just if the right fang came along.

But I haven't even thought about it.

At all. For ages.

OK, ladies. I'll catch you later.

HE MURMURS Can we...?

You see him? You...

Anyway, Mitchell, I have in my hand a piece of paper.

Phase two of Find Mitchell A Job Campaign.

Oh, Annie, Annie, it doesn't matter. I'm considering other options anyway.

Mitchell, you're not a quitter.

It says so here in the reference that I wrote. Check this out.

"John Mitchell is the finest employee I ever had.

"He is loyal and dependable and valued by all his co-workers.

"I recall he did not give the best interview..."

-Whoa!"

-..but I put that down to nerves."

What, so I make a habit of screwing up interviews?

"But how glad am I that I took a chance on him? Very.

"Because I was rewarded with a pleasant and reliable worker,

"who would be an asset to any company.

"Plus, let's face it, he's easy on the eye."

I'm just covering all my bases.

Yeah. You know what? Maybe I just don't want to be a hospital cleaner any more.

No, of course you don't. This is just the beginning, Mitchell.

With me in your corner, next year you could be in the canteen.

I'm going to type this up.

-What's up?

-Where's Adam?

He's in the kitchen.

Oh, God.

-All right, sad-arse?

-Nina just rang from the hospital.

He's taken a turn for the worse. But he's been asking for you.

Look, we've done our best but he is...he's just too weak.

Do you understand, Adam?

Well, look, we'll...we'll give you some time alone with him, OK?

Dad?

-HE PANTS

-Adam.

I'm here, Dad.

Why? What's happened?

You collapsed.

You weren't well. You collapsed.

Are you all right? Have you fed? Here.

It's OK. I've got these people looking after me.

But they...they understand, do they?

It's fine. They're nice.

Now, you give me a minute and we'll get out of here, hey?

No, listen to me. You have to stay here.

I'm just...I'm just so...

so tired.

You gave me too much, Dad.

You made yourself weak.

What else could we do?

You know,

even when they're all grown-up,

people say to their kids,

"You were always my little boy."

You really were.

Maybe we...we were blessed that...

Please don't go. Please don't leave me. I can't do this on my own.

Dad, I'm scared. What's going to happen?

I don't know.

Oh, God, Adam.

I don't know.

DOOR CLOSES

Dad? Nina!

Nina!

-It's OK, it's OK. All right, all right.

-What does he need?

I'm sorry, Adam.

HE SOBS

TROLLEY RATTLING

I think he knew it was going to happen.

That's why he came back to Wales.

He wanted to die here.

-This is it. I'm on my own.

-Oh, no, you're not.

You and Nina are just dealing with a problem. That's all I am to you.

Look, I can't pretend to know how you're feeling,

cos personally I haven't been through it.

I know. You're just a kid.

Yeah, but, whatever you're feeling...

..you can tell me, I'll listen.

Do you want to know what I'm feeling, George?

Mm-hm.

Hungry.

Adam?

Do you want to go in and spend some time with your dad, and say goodbye to him?

I don't have a good feeling about this.

Someone's just died. You're not supposed to.

Adam hasn't just lost his dad. He's lost his food supply.

He's going to have to feed again soon.

SIREN WAILING OUTSIDE

-SIREN WAILING OUTSIDE

-Oh, my God.

-Where is he?

-Out.

-SIREN WAILING OUTSIDE

-Oh, no.

You were a teenage boy once. You know what they do.

-Yeah, wank at any opportunity.

-Well, that's helpful.

Well, no, there's other stuff but none of it really registers.

# Well, there goes a girl and a half

# She's got me going up and down

# She's got me going up and down... #

Dollar!

# ..Walking on the beaches Looking at the peaches

# Well, I got the notion, girl

# That you got some suntan lotion in that bottle of yours

# Spread it all over my peeling skin, baby

# That feels real good

# All this skirt lapping up the sun

# Lap me up

# Why don't you come on and lap me up... #

All right?

# ..Walking on the beaches Looking at the peaches... #

All right?

# ..Well, there goes another one Just lying down on the sand dunes

# I'd better go take a swim and see If I can cool down a little bit... #

-It's hot in here, isn't it?

-Yeah, it's quite hot in here.

# ..Things on our minds You know what I mean... #

Um...hi. I wonder if you could help us, please. We're looking for a...

Hey, do you want to head outside, get some fresh air?

# ..Looking at the peaches... #

-All right.

-# ..You just take a look over there... #

-No, I haven't.

-Um...

# ..Is she trying to get out of that clitoris?

# Liberation for women That's what I preach

# Preacher man... #

Are you OK?

# ..Walking on the beaches looking at the peaches... #

Here we are.

# ..Oh, shit

# There goes the charabanc... #

Has anyone ever told you, you have beautiful tits?

Yeah, loads of people.

And skin so pale you can see the veins.

Well, my Auntie Kim got skin cancer off the sunbed so I don't use them.

And spray-on looks shit, so...

-What's your game?

-It's OK. Um...he's my brother.

There's something really wrong with him.

-He really should have mentioned it.

-What?

Um, he's really, er...passive aggressive.

Basically, he's just a knob.

I don't care. It's only for an afternoon and I've got a regular fella, anyway.

-So...

-Classy.

Still, plenty more fish in the sea, eh? Come on. You all right?

What are you talking fish for?

-Is there anything we can get you?

-He needed to feed.

-So, you're saying

we should have let him tear that girl's throat out?

No, I'm saying he can't survive like this forever.

OK, but we can't turn him out onto the streets. He isn't safe.

Mitchell isn't safe with another vampire in the house, not while he's feeding.

Annie's right, I'm just about holding it all together, and he brings

-chaos here, I'm sorry.

-Mitchell, you understand this.

-You know what I'm going through.

-I do.

So, why won't you help me?!

OK, you know what? There...there is another option.

HE SIGHS

It just might be the answer.

We recarpet?

What?! No, no, no, no. This guy, he's one of us.

A vampire?

-How did you get his number?

-He found me.

He says that he has systems in place.

No killing.

But he'll make sure the kid's fed.

We have to do something.

-You'll take Adam to him, then?

-Oh, no. Me and him, we do not get on.

I'll call him and make the introduction,

but after that I don't want any part of it.

Oh, just take me to them.

Wow.

Oh, wow.

This... Oh, this is really nice!

All right, George! Little bit of help here, please? Mm.

Oh. Ooh, OK.

-Hello.

-Hello.

You spoke to a friend of ours, Mitchell, about...

-This must be Adam.

-Yeah.

Oh, come inside, young man.

Wipe your feet.

-Right.

-Richard!

Well, well, well, well!

So, this is young Adam?

Oh, but look at you!

Darling, fetch the decanter.

Oh. Oh, not for me. I'm driving.

This is nice.

Oh, Richard, I told you to use the Waterford.

Oh, is that not it? Oh, well.

Here we are, there you go. Right.

Drawn just an hour ago. There you go.

-Soon put you straight.

-Oh, that's the ticket.

There we go. Oh.

-All better now?

-Course he is. He's right as ninepence.

-Have you seen the size of that TV?

-Full HD, of course.

No!

I need to put some paper down first.

YOU can sit where you like, young man.

-You like that?

-Thank you.

Of course, it's not as good as fresh from the vein.

Hang on. We were told there wouldn't be any killing.

We wouldn't have brought him here otherwise.

I don't appreciate your tone.

Given the company you've been keeping,

it's understandable that you think that we're all cold-blooded killers.

What's that supposed to mean?

We have a much more civilised arrangement.

Now, this is like a proper vampire house.

-Ooh!

-No, no, no, the bulb's gone.

We stock up on the old eco-friendlies. Comes with... Watch your head!

Here we are, through here. THUD

-Ah! Ow, ow, ow!

-All right?

-Oh, I don't know, I don't know.

-KEYS RATTLE

SCREAM Ha-ha-ha! There he is!

Heh-heh! Whoo!

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

How's it hanging?

Erm... Oh, er...

It's...it's not so bad, yeah.

-Yourself?

-Yeah, can't complain.

-You from Penarth, then?

-Er, no.

Barry.

Um...yeah, actually, we came here on the B4267.

Oh, yeah, good road, eh? So, what you driving, then?

-Um, it's...

-George.

You're chitchatting with a gimp.

LAUGHTER AND GROWLS

Ooh! Ooh! Whoo-ee!

Yee, yee, yee, yee, yee! LAUGHTER

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

Rah! LAUGHTER

Number Seven, as his name suggests, is the seventh of our little helpers,

and our favouritest yet!

He must have had a real name once.

I doubt it says Number Seven on his birth certificate.

You might have the courtesy to ask him directly.

-SHE CLEARS THROAT

-So, tell us.

What is your name?

I'm Number Seven, how I want to be known.

Yeah, he's our big, bouncy food supply!

Yes, he is!

And...and numbers one to six died of what? Sustained blood loss?

Essentially, yes.

Poor Number Four had, er...Epstein-Barr,

but I don't think that's what took him in the end.

You buried them in your garden like gerbils.

-My God, they were human beings!

-Precisely.

You see, the depravity of the human heart knows no bounds.

Name your blackest desires,

and somewhere, out in the sweating mass of humanity,

you'll find someone all too happy to gratify them.

These men were clearly ill.

Men?

Number Three was a lady.

I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong.

I had everything, on paper.

Came from a good family. Met my wife. Had a family of my own. It wasn't enough.

I felt...ordinary.

But with Richard and Emma... well, I'm special.

Not that special. There were six others before you.

Out of billions.

I matter here.

-I'm happy.

-See?

But one day, all this...

will kill you.

Well, better a short life filled with pleasure

than a long one searching for joy.

You see, you may not understand our little arrangement here,

but at least accept it works.

Oh, take two. We want you to be big and strong.

-I'll take three.

-Mm, good boy.

Get some flesh on those bones.

How's everything in here? All right? HE CHUCKLES

You off, then?

Oh. Er...yes, if you're sure you're all right.

-He won't want for anything.

-It's Adam's decision.

Are you having a laugh? Look around, George. I'm a pig in shit.

-Adam.

-Sorry.

Hm.

-Right, I'll show you to the door.

-No, no, that's OK, we can find it.

Of course, yes. Like tracker dogs.

-Um...excuse me?!

-No, come on.

Cheers for bringing me here, though.

Look after him.

We don't need you to tell us that.

OK?

-Shall I feed the boy now?

-Oh, not yet, Seven.

We're going to make a night of it.

After all, Adam's finally where he belongs.

We should welcome him in style.

I'll put the plastic sheeting down in the box room, eh?

Number Seven, come on.

In today's main headline,

it's been a month since 19 passengers and one train driver were killed

in the Box Tunnel massacre.

The victims' families are calling on the Home Secretary to replace Alastair Lynch,

the Chief Constable of Avon and Somerset Police,

due to what they see as a lack of progress in the investigation.

-Jim Warren's here with the sport. Jim?

-Thanks very much.

Our main story tonight is the much-anticipated clash

between the vampire John Mitchell and an as-yet-unnamed werewolf.

Regular viewers will know that this has been on the fixture list

since the prophecy was given to Mitchell by one of his victims

that he would be killed by a werewolf.

But in a surprise move,

Mitchell's camp recently cast doubt on the reliability of this prophecy.

They've dismissed it as mind games,

prompting this response from Team Werewolf.

"Mitchell won't be saying that when he gets his head ripped off.

"There's a wolf-shaped bullet with his name on it. Mitchell's gonna get got."

So, it just looks like this story refuses to stay dead.

Turning to rugby,

and following the sudden tragic death of scrum half Gethin Watson's girl...

-Well, that's sorted, then.

-Yeah!

I'd file that under "job done".

He'll settle right in there. I mean, they do have a massive telly.

Oh, ginormous.

The whole house, it was furnished to the highest standards.

Yeah. It was so clean.

It was immaculate.

I mean, Richard and Emma themselves were slightly, what, eccentric perhaps?

Well, I'd go for "unreconstructed".

-Would you?

-Yeah.

-Would you?

-Mm.

And, well...kinky.

Filthy. Just arseholes.

A pair of complete and utter kinked-up...filthy racist arseholes.

We've just left a vulnerable young boy

with a pair of not only instinctive killers but heinous pervs.

You do realise I'm zipping my coat up and going back there?

Yeah, and I'm coming with you.

Mitchell?

DOOR CLOSES Yeah?

Mitchell?

Are you packing?

Unpacking, still.

-Oh, boys.

-DOORS SLAM

-VEHICLE DRIVING OFF

-Your phone rang.

Oh, thank you.

It's a withheld number.

Which usually means something official.

Like a job, say.

They've left a message.

-It won't be good news.

-Oh, you don't know that.

-Put it on loudspeaker.

-Uh...

Go on. Please, please, please!

-BEEP

-'Hello, John. This is Nita Mawulawde.'

-That's how you say it.

-Duh.

'I'm calling in regard to your interview this morning.

'I think we both know it didn't go as well as we'd have liked.

'But I've heard from your previous employer and she speaks of you in glowing terms.

'So, I've decided to offer you the job.'

Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Bang! Yes! I got you the job! I got you the job! Oh, I got a job! Oh!

That is brilliant.

I'm going to take you for a walk on the seafront.

-Boy, do I know how to celebrate!

-Yeah.

-We got a job.

-Yeah.

-A job! Yes, yes, yes! Oh!

-Get out of here, you.

You're dressed already. What a shame.

-I'm not sure about this.

-Oh, that was Number Two's.

He was a smallish gentleman. That's why he only lasted such a short time.

But I think it's a close enough fit.

Yeah, well, I usually go for a more relaxed vibe.

Oh, but the great and the good are gathering.

You've spent too long with lesser species.

The trash out on the housing estates.

The dole scum, the layabouts.

Werewolves.

SHE TUTS

Come with me.

-No, I'm actually tired. I'm really...

-Oh, hush now.

It's time for you to claim your heritage.

As a vampire and as a man.

Now, who do we have in here?

Everybody, this is our boy -

Adam.

These will be your kind of people now.

Melvyn, there, is a dentist.

Simon.

-And...oh. You're Sue?

-WOMAN MOANS

Hi, Sue. They work in local government.

And, er...oh, Tina and Liam run a garden centre.

-There, see? Shall we go upstairs?

-Please, yeah.

-GIGGLING AND MOANING

-Mm-hm. This way.

Hello?

It sounds like a party.

Oh, well, maybe we should come back tomorrow.

I mean, throwing him a party's not exactly mistreatment.

Yeah, a vampire party. Who knows what that involves?

-Yeah, which takes me back to, "Maybe we should come back tomorrow."

-No.

This way, my darling boy.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

Ah, here he is!

The man of the hour! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whassup, innit?

Tonight,

our young boy Adam...

..shall become...a man! CHEERING

I trust you'll all show him...

well, us...

-CHEERING

-..your encouragement!

And just to celebrate this... very special occasion,

I've decided to push the boat out.

Emma, my sweet? Of course.

RICHARD: Number Seven's time...

has finally arrived! CHEERING

WHISTLING Number...

Seven!

Adam, my boy, it is time...

to drink him dry.

SHE GIGGLES OTHERS: Yes.

-Adam? Adam?

-POUNDING MUSIC

-Oh.

-LAUGHTER IN ROOM

Baby, when we get home...

can you remind me to gouge out my brain with a spoon?

-What did you see?

-Bodies.

-Many, many bodies.

-What, alive?

Very.

VAMPIRES: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink!

-Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

-Drain him dry, my precious boy.

-You'll need all your strength for me.

-Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

-CROWD: Drink! Drink! Drink!

-Is this really such a good idea?

There's only two of us against what sounds like...

-CROWD: Drink! Drink! Drink!

-..well, shitloads.

-Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

-Well, we'll just have to tool up, then.

Tool up?

CROWD: Drink! Drink! Drink!

-Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

-OK.

-Drink! Drink! Drink!

-Kill me, young Adam.

-Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

-Drink me dry.

-Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

-Who wants some of my plant?

-I don't believe you people were invited.

-We've come to take Adam back.

How dare you barge in here, you ill-mannered trash?

You mongrels.

Bet you didn't even wipe your feet.

No, but we'll wipe them on the way out.

If I wasn't holding this, I would totally high-five you.

Oh, yeah, you come in here with your ridiculous blunt morality

and you understand nothing of his world, nothing of his needs.

I tell you what.

Let's leave it to Adam, eh?

So, Adam, what's it to be?

A life of comfort and privilege,

and all the pleasures that a young man could ever dream of...

..or hardship,

desperation and hunger?

I choose them.

Er...you may need to be a little bit more specific, Adam.

Oh, yeah. I mean you, George and Nina. I choose you.

-Ooh!

-Yes.

What did you say?

Well, I don't want this. I mean, it's completely fucked up. Look.

Adam, for goodness' sake,

drink the man's blood and have sex with me on the billiard table.

-You are embarrassing us.

-Look, get off me, you munter.

-Adam!

-And up yours, you no-neck gaylord. Hm!

Don't you dare speak to your father like that.

Father? He's not my father.

Right.

I've had enough of this.

Oh.

Ah, these are not your people. These animals!

Yeah, tell it to someone who gives a shit.

-OK, I think we've made our point.

-Come on, come on.

Oh, take him and his ingratitude.

But don't think that's an end to this.

You and your bitch will regret this. Mark my words.

-Right.

-OK.

I need a drink.

Aargh!

Hm.

So we both got jobs today.

You in the hospital. And me...well, here.

-Hm?

-Your guardian angel.

But, Annie, I didn't fetch you back here to do anything.

Just...just be here.

-Yeah, with you.

-Yeah. And...and George and Nina.

-Yeah, but now that I am here...

-We can look after ourselves.

Ha! You'd be lost without me.

And how would you be without us, huh?

You can't base your life on what you give to other people, cos,

well, we might not always be here.

Well, where would you go?

I mean, you wouldn't... you wouldn't go to that foul place and get me back

and then just, like, abandon me?

-Well, things change.

-In a day?

Sometimes.

-But I'm your guardian angel.

-Oh, stop it, Annie.

Stop defining yourself by what you do for other people.

-Get a...

-A life?!

HE SIGHS

It's a bit late for that.

Um...what do you think I came back for...

..to a world where I can't be seen

or heard

or touched?

All I've got is you.

And Nina and George.

You are my life. You...you give me life.

You saw that place.

And I'm telling you that if I had to drift through this world...

..without you...

..with no-one knowing I'm even here,

then...

then I might as well be back there.

We'll pass you off as my brother for now. In a couple of years,

we'll...move on. Go north, away from awkward questions.

And I guess, eventually, you become our son.

Cool, I agree. It's still work.

What's he doing back here?

You know how to make someone feel welcome(!)

Look, you didn't see how those people live, Mitchell. It was grubby, desperate.

We couldn't leave him there.

No, course you couldn't.

Meaning?

HE SIGHS It's not who you are.

If someone needs help, you give it.

I can't let you do this.

I watched my mum and dad waste their whole lives on looking after me.

-I can't put anyone else through that.

-Look, Adam,

I understand what you're saying. I do.

But if we let you walk out of here, we're putting people's lives at risk.

Maybe. Or maybe I'm better than you think.

Yeah. Maybe you are.

You know, if I'm never let loose, I'll never find out.

Oh.

Can't believe I'm doing this.

Here.

Don't ask me where I got it.

Let's just say vampires look after their own, huh?

Thank you, Mitchell.

I mean, the craving will come back, though, so how do I fight it?

You surround yourself with good people. That's what you do.

You find someone better than you.

Because then when you fail, you have to deal with their disappointment.

And that's what keeps you true.

So, where to first?

I don't know. I'll grab the first train out of here and see where it takes me.

-Stay in touch, yeah?

-You SO want me.

SHE LAUGHS

Good luck, mate.

George, one more thing.

You're such a sad-arse.

See you.

Right.

Hm.

-Hey, fancy seeing you here.

-All right?

-You all right?

-Yeah, all right, yeah.

Yeah? Where you going? I'll come with. I can't be arsed with school.

No, you...you don't want to do that.

Yeah, I do. And now your bitch isn't here to stop us.

George.

No, this isn't what I want. You're not what I need.

Mate, are you real?

Shut up.

-I think he's going to be OK.

-Yeah.

I think we all are.

Mwah.

-What have we got?

-A drunk dead one.

I'm Sasha. Like the Beyonce album.

How can she not know she's dead?

-What did they do?

-I think they were testing them.

-Name's Graham.

-I am a little bit of a fanboy.

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