Hold the Front Page Being Human

Contains some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

-I thought I heard the door.

-Or did you hear my heart begin to beat faster?

-Catch you later, sweet cheeks.

-If we let you walk out of here, we're putting people's lives at risk.

Maybe. Or maybe I'm better than you think.

There are good vampires out there. Hope you'll give me a call. I'm a friend when you need one.

The Nemesis has a burnt arm.

What, and that's it?

Perhaps the myth is wrong.

This person with the burn, perhaps they don't pose a threat after all.

(SHIVERS)

BELL TOLLS

Oh, my gosh!

We are so totally going to get busted.

Can you imagine Daddy's face if they expel me? OMG.

Like, I could hardly show my face at Henley.

Sorry.

It's so romantic.

Break into my school grounds. Most boys don't really notice me,

but I'm getting contacts next month, unless you prefer me like this.

Adam, am I prettier in glasses or contacts?

Er...your face is a poem.

Your voice is wine and your eyes are a symphony.

So... And you have spectacular jubblies. Can I just...?

I'm not putting out here.

God, Annabella Royston-Howe got caught in the chapel

with Jonny Powell from St Edmund's,

which means she's been banished to Switzerland,

-there's no way she'll not the May Ball.

-Neither will you.

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry, I can't...I can't keep doing this, I can't keep it together...

OK, if you promise not to tell anybody, I'll give you a quick tug.

But only if you promise not to cry afterwards, like Harry Crosby.

It's not what I need. (HISSES)

Henrietta Marshall-Parker, straight back to the dorm, thank you very much.

And you, young man, are in a great deal of trouble.

Well, hello!

PEACOCK CRIES

# When your world around is crumbling down

# Darlin', reach out

# Reach out... #

MIMICS DRUMS

# I'll be there

# With a love.... #

Could you take Eve for a minute, cos I need to warm up some milk?

Marigolds. Sorry.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

DOORBELL RINGING

EVE GURGLES

KNOCKING CONTINUES

What's going on?

Nina, George, anyone in?

-Who's that?

-Mitchell, Annie?

I recognise that voice.

I am chicka-chicka back.

And I've brought with me one sexy motherf... Ah!

Oh, God!

Can someone please let me in?

Go on, it's fine, let him in.

It's definitely not The Nemesis.

He's way too much of a knob for that.

Who the hell are you?

-Who the bloody hell are you?

-For goodness' sake, Adam!

Yvonne Bradshaw. Apologies for the intrusion.

Bit of bother.

Marigolds. Sorry.

Oh, right you are.

Oh, put some clothes on, man, this isn't The Jungle Book!

Oh, yes, sorry.

Yvonne, your friend.

Does she have a burn on her body?

Hell, no. Believe me, I've licked every inch of that real estate.

You know what I'm talking about, brother.

-EVE GURGLES

-Yvonne Bradshaw.

How do you do?

Huh...

Adam, your friend can see me.

Should I not?

A baby - how lovely!

-Is this the father?

-No.

No. No, no, definitely not, no.

The naked fellow, then?

It's complicated.

Ah, yes. Adam warned me you were different.

But never let it be said that Yvonne Bradshaw isn't "open minded".

Our head of French is a member of Amnesty, so I know the drill.

So where's George and the others?

I'm afraid they died.

-Oh, Annie, I'm so sorry. Are you OK?

-No. No, not really. Um...

But thank you. Thanks.

Adam...

would you like us to go?

Regardless of what is waiting for us out there, we can go if you prefer.

Brave soldier.

Now, sorry for imposing on you all like this

and apologies too for the other trouble that's bound to follow.

What trouble?

You, dear. Men, dear.

-Very sorry about that. Tom McNair, nice to meet you.

-Yvonne Bradshaw.

Oh... All right, Littlest Hobo, drop.

What can we do for you, Yvonne?

Straight to the point, very good.

Er, I believe, in modern parlance, one might say we are...

on the run.

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

W-Why? What have you done?

-Her.

-Adam.

Oh, all right, sorry, miss.

Adam and I are in love.

LAUGHING

You're in love?

Mm-hm.

Like, I see you, baby.

And there's nothing going on down there.

What do you think of that?

-EVE GURGLES

-I'd rather not.

Oh, I know what you're thinking. I know what you're all thinking.

What can a super-fox like that see in this?

Answer.

-Perseverance.

-Stuck at it.

Stuck at it. And believe me, I'd stick it...

Adam Jacobs! There is a staircase in that hallway,

and on that staircase there will be a naughty step. Do I make myself clear?

Yeah. Yeah, and I'm sorry.

Sorry, miss.

He can be rather boisterous.

But rather adorable too.

I have to admit, I was less than impressed at first.

You see, I get so much unwanted attention.

Single, married, engaged - I don't get a moment's peace.

Really?

They calm down eventually. But it can be damn tiresome.

Last parents' evening, the police had to be called.

And that Brad Pitt guy, he was all over you like a rash, wasn't he? Tell 'em.

He was filming in the school chapel.

We were introduced, and...

...well, all I can say is... he has a lovely trailer.

Oh, and surprisingly small hands.

But what impressed me about Adam was his level of application.

I'm well aware he's in the first flush of youth and...

-I'm...

-Approaching your prime.

But don't be fooled by everything he says and does.

He's mature beyond his years.

EVE GURGLES

She doesn't know what you are, does she?

My point is, I do.

Age is merely a number.

And what matters lies in the heart.

Sadly, the press didn't see it that way, and the headlines have been

-positively purple.

-Yeah.

"Sordid Schoolmistress Seduces Student."

If one of my girls had used sloppy alliteration like that in an essay,

I'd be speaking to the parents.

Oi, teacher, leave that kid alone.

Technically inaccurate, as I was never actually his teacher.

Likes the virgin.

Again, inaccurate, because I am a legendary swordsman.

I wanted to stand our ground.

Answer their blasted questions, pose for a couple of pictures,

and donate the cheque to a dog shelter.

But Adam came over all camera shy.

-Ah, funny, that.

-And now you're on the run.

We were but it's cool, thanks to my manoeuvres and shit.

Why is there people outside with cameras and microphones?

Tom, shut the curtains. Tom, shut the bloody curtains. Jesus,

tell me you didn't lead the press to our door.

Well, they might not be anything to do with us.

DOORBELL RINGING, BANGING

MAN: Adam, come on, I know you're in there.

-KNOCKING

-Might be a different Adam.

MAN: Adam Jacobs. No point hiding, mate.

Oh, for f...karking hell!

How did they find us, huh?

MAN: That is your car parked outside, isn't it?

Hey, Adam, I heard she tied you down with her sports bra.

Oh, this is too much.

It's one thing harassing us, it's quite another inconveniencing you.

Besides, I will not tolerate grubby talk in the presence of an infant.

Come on, Adam, we're going out there together. Print and be damned.

-They can't take your photo.

-I appreciate your concern.

No, really. They can't.

But as Thomas Kempis said, "Love feels no burden,

-"thinks nothing of trouble..."

-Wouldn't go out there, if I were you.

"...attempts what is above its strength..."

-For God's sake, Adam, they've got cameras.

-"...pleads no excuse of impossibility.

"for it thinks all things lawful for itself, and all things possible."

Right, darling...

-let's show our faces to the world.

-ALL: No! No, no, no!

OK.

She's been odd since I got here.

Now you're all at it. What on earth is going on?

GRUNTS AND PANTS

You're a vampire?

So's he.

And Thomas is a werewolf and Annie is a ghost.

And you're actually 47.

Mm-hm. For my 12th birthday, I got an Etch A Sketch.

Our school gym was opened by Suzi Quatro.

Adam, if you wish to terminate our relationship,

please just say so, rather than insult my intelligence with this...bunkum.

-No, it's not.

-I've abandoned everything for you.

My job, my home, my reputation.

I implore you, do not repay me with this.

Why else wouldn't I want my photo taken?

Why would I deprive the world of this?

Look at me.

It's partly why I brought you here.

It's so I could break the news to you.

Please, don't bin me.

I know I'm not worthy of you and I know you've turned down thousands of men.

I know what a nightmare it's been with the hassling and the dying...

Dying? W-What?

Despite all the attention, I've actually only had two consorts.

They both died. Terribly tragic. Rather put me off the whole thing.

Yeah, but I'm already dead.

I'm perfect for you.

I knew when I first saw you...

Actually, I was after the other girl.

And then you came and you threw me out.

And then you came to me in a dream, and since then you're all I can think of.

Yvonne, I need you. I'm begging you, please.

Adam...

...you're clearly troubled.

That beautiful noggin is playing tricks on you.

A mirror. Get me a mirror

-and I'll prove it to you.

-No... I mean, there's no need.

You're suffering from a delusion. As are your friends.

Let's just leave it at that.

It doesn't change the extraordinary boy you are.

Nor my love for him, not one jot.

-Oh, my...

-Adam...one step at a time.

Now, what are we going to do about those infernal reporters?

Do you want me to go and shoo them off?

I'm afraid that might make matters worse.

Yes, you're probably right.

Maybe if we just lay low for a few days, they'll get bored.

I'm afraid you're going to be stuck with us.

Right.

Brilliant.

Sorted. Do you mind if I have a quick nap?

I'm just absolutely cream crackered. Full moon last night.

Well, quite.

Tom, don't forget you've got Eve at three.

Now...where's the guest bedroom?

And, er, do you have clean sheets and a flannel?

SQUELCHING

Hello.

We need to take your statement down for an affidavit.

I'm sorry?

Judge wants to see me in his chambers in ten minutes.

So we need to habeas corpus, in mens rea, mutatis mutandis and whatnot.

Eh?

Well? What are we going to tell the judge?

I didn't know you was a barrister.

I love barristers.

Now...

how shall we plead?

Guilty?

I certainly feel guilty.

I'll be as guilty as you want.

I'll defend you.

Onus probandi, my love.

Subpoena duces tecum.

Now, undress me,

ad infinitum, ad libitum.

After all...

degustibus non est disputandum.

HEAVY BREATHING

EVE GURGLES

What's up, dude?

So I hear you're an Old One.

Colour me impressed. It's like meeting the Queen.

Shouldn't you be looking after your girlfriend?

No, she wanted some quiet time, so she's off reading the Dick.

The Dick Francis. She thinks we're nuts.

We've shattered her entire belief system. Let her process that

-in the way she chooses.

-Hmm.

A domino.

It's yours, right.

So, have you had much luck, recently, any action on the ladies?

I bet you have. You're quite a...

I know what it's like to unleash the beast,

the beast inside the trousers.

You know what I'm talking about.

Just, er, watch yourself with my Yvonne.

Cos I will kill you.

I have no interest in her.

Yeah, you'd better not.

It's boring in here. D'you wanna...

smoke?

EVE GURGLES

Forgot. What are you gonna do with her?

What do you mean?

Well, how do you entertain a blob?

Ah, um...

I thought I'd read her some poetry.

Wow!

You know, it's like the last days of Rome in here.

See you later.

Hey.

Don't go outside.

Oh, give me some credit.

Have you seen Yvonne?

I think she's reading in her room.

Oh, brilliant. I can use these

to control the jets in my swimming pool.

Swimming pool?

Yes, naturally. Did you want something, Tom?

That Yvonne's dead clever, i'nt she? D'you think she'd like some flowers?

Cos her room's dead dull and pretty girls like flowers.

She's a guest and she needs looking after.

And I'd quite like to...look after her.

EVE GURGLES

Oi-oi!

SHUTTER CLICKING

Ha-ha! Gotcha!

CHUCKLING

Yeah.

SNIFFS

There was about five of 'em, but I weren't scared. I just staked 'em all.

Bam-bam, one after the other. Took those bloodsuckers down.

-Crumbs.

-I wouldn't do anything to Adam.

Unless you want me to.

Trust me and my guns.

-And so it begins.

-What?

Nothing, dear.

Are you guys OK?

Of course, I'm looking after her.

Yes, he's being very attentive.

I could show you the cellar!

Adam, we have to go.

Why, what's the matter?

It's happening with Tom, the old trouble.

Oh, really? Well, that's fine. If he tries anything, I'll just knee him in the trouser department.

KNOCKING MAN: Come on, guys,

this is ridiculous. Talk to me.

No-one's in!

MAN: Hey, Yvonne, answer this.

Why do weird things happen when I try to take a photo of your boyfriend?

Have you been outside?

-What? No. When?

-MAN: I'll show you the photos if you'd like.

Yeah, I went out the back from there.

-Why?

-Were you smoking?

-No.

-I bet he was. Dirty, filthy habit.

MAN: It's fine, guys, I mean I'm sure someone in there can give me

a perfectly reasonably explanation.

-What are we going to do?

-Don't be scared. I'm here.

Oi, back off!

-KNOCKING AT DOOR

-We need to defuse the situation.

I can't talk to him in case he takes my picture. If Yvonne or Adam go out there,

it'll make things even worse.

OK. So...

we need to...confuse them.

Yes.

SHUTTERS CLICKING

-I was hoping to speak to Adam or Yvonne.

-They don't wanna talk to you, mate.

-So they are here.

-No. Maybe they are.

-Who are you?

-Tom McNair.

-Um...no comment.

-Look, mate, all this stuff about Adam and Yvonne, frankly I couldn't give a toss.

-Good luck to them, I say.

-Good.

-I'm more interested

-in the photos I took of little Adam round the back.

-Uh-oh!

I thought getting a shot of him with a fag might be worth some cash,

illustrating how he's already been corrupted, blah-blah-blah.

But then I looked at my camera.

What would you say if I told you that he didn't show up on any of the photos?

-Piss sticks!

-Piss sticks!

Now I'm starting to think the real story is something else entirely.

-Like what?

-Like what?

Maybe young Adam isn't as innocent as everyone thinks.

-Tom, come inside and shut the door.

-I'm going inside and shutting the door.

I'm staying at the Hemmington Hotel, room 906.

If you have anything you want to get off your chest, come and find me?

Oh, you...! You guys are going to want to hear this.

Yeah. Adam...was smoking.

-What?

-He's a filthy liar and you should dump him straight away.

No, the journalist has taken a picture of Adam and now he is suspicious.

How could you trust somebody

-who lies to you like that?

-Hal, you'll have to go after him.

And do what?

Don't think I don't know what you're doing, trying to make me look bad

so you can move in on her. I see right through you.

Anybody hear that, then, that sort of whining?

Just...threaten him or something and find out what else he knows.

I'm not your bloody henchman.

No, but if he's suspicious, then we have to do something.

Listen, Fred Basset, I will take you down!

There it is again. Did anybody hear it at all?

Even so, to access that part of me right now is too risky. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, we're creating such a muddle, aren't we?

Would you excuse me for a moment?

Oh, what the hell is wrong with you two?

-Nothing.

-Nothing.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Mr Cutler, Pete Travis. Could I have two minutes?

Sorry, I've got to be in court in literally...

I'd like to talk to you about Tom McNair.

Here's a thing. I'm a journalist.

I've got this habit. It's just something I do

whenever I meet someone. I do a little digging.

You know, just the headlines.

But with Tom...

there's nothing. Bit of an information vacuum, you could say.

Until last week,

when someone with that name was arrested on suspicion of ABH

and then released by, um...

Oh, look at that. It was you.

Ha.

Funny case, this one, mate, cos when they looked at the CCTV footage,

he appears to be kicking the crap out of thin air.

I mean, the poor arresting officer has had the piss ripped out of him ever since.

His mates...have even made copies of the DVD.

And would you believe it? One of those copies has reached me.

I've got loads of stuff like this.

CCTV, home movies, people being attacked by invisible men.

Objects floating in thin air.

And then there's the affidavits.

Police files, postmortem reports.

When you know where to look...

and there are cases like this going back hundreds of years.

And the only way something like that could stay hidden for so long is if someone

is covering this up.

Husbands, fathers, wives, sons, daughters, judges, police...

solicitors...

You're right.

What?

I know what you're saying... and you're right.

Tom McNair was kicking the crap out of a vampire.

Well, isn't that what you wanted to hear?

Now, the thing is, Pete...

now, they aren't the real problem.

Some of them are predators, sure,

but most, they lead normal lives,

manage their condition, live anonymously, no harm done.

No, the ones you wanna be scared of are the werewolves.

-Shut up.

-Hey, if you have as much evidence as you say,

then somewhere you'll hear whisper about werewolves.

Yeah, I just...

...I didn't believe it.

So...

...vampires are fine.

But werewolves are stretching it a bit.

That's your story, Pete.

That's what the public need to hear because the threat's growing

and no-one can see it.

No.

I hear stories about...vampires.

Maybe it could be about both.

I've been trying to get my story out there for years, but what can I do?

I'm a duty solicitor in bloody Trumpton.

What if...

we pooled our resources.

Now, where you're staying, I'd love to see all the research you've done. It sounds fascinating.

Jesus!

I didn't see you come in.

Er...you must excuse...

Does it scare you?

The burn?

Yes, of course it does.

Oh, it shouldn't.

It's a badge of honour.

A sign of your greatness.

Who sent you? Why are you here?

It reminds you of who you really are...

...how extraordinary you can be.

Have your place in history.

I don't want to be that man again.

Yes, you do.

Deep down, you know you do.

Aren't you hungry, Hal?

I'm always hungry.

Would you like to feast?

You can't deny what you are.

You must embrace it.

Enjoy it.

Enjoy the lust.

Embrace the pleasure.

Yes!

Yes! Do it!

Do it!

GASPS

Bloody stairs. We're not allowed to do anything spooky

in case we freak Yvonne out.

Is it me, or is there something... very strange about her?

Besides the fact that she's completely delusional?

All that stuff about, "Kriss Akabusi chased me round Morrisons."

Please! You know, when I was 16, a photographer told me

I was pretty enough to be in a catalogue.

Yeah, a catalogue, Hal.

You don't hear me going on about it.

I've only been here a few weeks, you've already told me twice.

And another thing. How come she can see me?

Hal?

Oh...

Sausage, bacon, two eggs, tomatoes, fried bread?

What are you trying to do - give her a heart attack?

Banana yoghurt. Right, my love?

-I know all her needs.

-Or I could do you boily eggy soldiers?

Just a cup of tea, please.

-Coming right up.

-No, I'll get it.

-I've started it...

Boys.

Won't you sit down?

Did you sleep well?

Well...you know what it's like - new bed, new surroundings.

Maybe it's the company you keep.

Maybe you need to find an alternative...

Here we go.

-Oi, what you saying?

-Oh, it's nothing, dear.

Listen, Count Dracula, don't think you'll get anywhere with her. She's mine.

Our bedroom was like the Discovery Channel last night. Tell him.

I wouldn't touch it, if I were you. He's not washed his mug properly or anything.

Look at you both.

This is a woman of culture....

of learning.

You know, you remind me of a conquest back in Madrid in 1784.

I wooed her with a thousand tulips.

Oh, just... well, that'd be your first mistake.

You have awful hay fever, don't you?

It's true, I'm a martyr to it.

I could show you me stakes. I've named 'em.

Thor, Beowulf, Conan, Duncan...

And I'm sure they're absolutely charming.

Yes, run along and play with your toys, child.

Right, enough of this. I brought her here, so she's sodding well mine.

Finders keepers, losers weepers. Double baggies,

no fingers crossed. Come on, Yvonne, let's go upstairs and suck face.

She is no longer interested in you.

I have been astonished that men could die...

martyrs for their religion. I have shuddered at it.

I shudder no more.

Oh, Keats. That's lovely, dear.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I...

I could be martyred for my religion.

Love is my religion and I could die for that.

I could die for you.

Oh...now, er...

EXHALING

# There once was a girl from south China

# Who had a capacious va... #

You really are a foul-mouthed little oik, you know that?

Adam...

Leave her alone.

Mm, let me think about it.

-I've thought about it.

-No.

-Well, think again.

-Ha, what's this?

-Does the hound want another whipping?

-Try it.

Not me favourite, but Duncan'll do the job.

No, no, please.

- Yes, please do it, stake him. - Good morning, everyone. So...

I was thinking about getting Eve a new pram.

Something really fancy. I don't want her to feel left behind.

And I don't want her growing up with an image problem. Tea, anyone?

Tom, kill.

SQUELCHING

I will destroy all those who get in my way.

The streets will run with blood.

Yeah...you can have her.

My champion.

You've killed the boy.

Now kill the baby.

Realise your potential.

Kill the baby...

...then drain me dry.

You are unleashed.

EVE GRIZZLES

(WHISPERS) Do it.

Do it.

(LOUDER) Do it!

Ughh!

KNOCKING

Oh, good, you're awake.

Listen, I think we really need to talk about that reporter guy

because when Mitchell got his photograph taken, it caused no end of...

-Hit me.

-What?

-Around the face.

-Why?

Do it!

Again, harder.

-Oh!

-Ah! I'm sorry.

-God, that hurt.

-What's wrong with you?

Yvonne.

She's a succubus.

A what?

A succubus.

The daughter of a demon and a human.

According to Hal, they infect men through touch

and appear to them in their dreams.

Men fall in love with them and they stay that way as long as they're near them.

And, um...

when they...

you know, when they have, um... (MOUTHS)

...they suck the life out of them.

Poppycock!

But look at how Tom has acted ever since you arrived.

And Hal is so scared he's locked himself in his room.

You said it yourself, it happens all the time.

There's nothing heretical about that, just rotten luck.

What about your lovers?

You... You said they died.

Tragic accident.

Did they die during...

...sex?

But Adam and I have...

...been intimate for weeks now

and he seems perfectly fine to me.

Yes, but, um, he's already dead. Don't you see?

It's because he's a vampire and you're a ghost and...

I do know that it's a lot to get your head around.

I can't...believe it, Annie. If I accept that, then I have to accept what I am too.

Mother hardly spoke about my father.

Simply said that he was...

...beautiful...

...and cruel.

A demon, you say?

So...

...all these men, who pursue me...

...they don't actually like me?

They're just under some damn silly spell?

Even...

...even Adam.

Probably, yeah.

But I love him.

I really do.

For the first time in my life, I genuinely love someone.

He's sweet and kind and...

...we look after each other and he's...

I was about to say...

he's my soul mate, but then...

...perhaps I don't even possess a soul.

Does he really...

...not feel anything?

As long as he's near you...

...he's under your spell.

Then...

...would you be so kind as to take him out of the house,

just to find out what he really feels?

I'm sure he loves me.

He knows I'm not a monster.

The way he talks...

...the way we laugh...

...that can't all be a lie.

Can it?

Oh, no, don't push. I'm not leaving her on her own,

not with that dog cocking his leg all over the place.

-Wolf, not dog. Wolf cocking its leg.

-Tom, get back in your room. And please,

-stay away from Yvonne, OK?

-Yes, stay away from my lady.

-What if the house catches on fire?

-Then yes, yes, of course.

-What if baby Eve starts crying?

Yes, if baby Eve starts crying or the house catches on fire.

Otherwise you stay in your room and away from Yvonne. Now, promise me.

Fine, I promise.

Right.

-Good. Right, let's get you out of here.

-What about the reporters?

Thought of that. We're going to swaddle.

-ADAM:

-Can they not see my legs?

-ANNIE: Not if we move quickly.

-Hey, I'm in no hurry,

you know what they say, "What happens under the jumper stays under the jumper."

Hey, can you feel that?

Adam! Shut up!

-Oh, Hal was right.

-What do you mean?

The spell's worn off already.

Holy shit!

She really does love you.

Yeah. She loves me so much she'd have killed me if I wasn't already dead.

-Adam...

-And you really think I would have gone off with her

if she hadn't screwed with my head? Come on, I'm into blondes...

with low self-esteem and a perfect rack.

It's not her fault. She didn't do it on purpose.

It's just... It's just what she is.

Yeah, I just thought, with her, I'd cracked it.

You know, I haven't thought about blood for six months?

For six months I haven't stared at a girl's neck and imagined tearing into her.

I haven't followed anyone home and thought about killing them.

I thought I'd beaten it, I thought I was free.

You know, we used to dance together.

We did the foxtrot naked.

And that's not even a euphemism.

I thought it was wonderful.

How sad is that?

Where are you going?

Somewhere to think about things and get wasted.

Well?

I see.

Look, he's just angry.

And that's just...

Adam.

Maybe he'll come to his senses. Is that what you're saying?

It was quite ludicrous, when you think about it.

A woman my age with him.

And...who'd want someone who can only get a man by tricking him?

No.

Lucky boy.

Got out just in time.

Would you excuse me, please?

WOMAN: Yvonne, what do you have to add to the papers' claims?

Is it true you're having it off with Adam Jacobs?

I wish to make a statement.

My name is Yvonne Bradshaw.

I've been the headmistress at St Hilda's for the past five years

and a proud and professional teacher of young women throughout my entire career.

Or so I would have you think.

I stole a boy's innocence...

just like you wrote, because I could.

I did it...because I hate you all.

Because I'm a monster

and you all deserve my contempt and my wrath.

There.

Happy now?

What else do you want?

Aren't I disgusting enough?

Well?

Well?

Just one more thing, Yvonne.

Do you know what Adam is yet?

What's going on?

Everyone knows everything.

Adam's gone off in a huff and Yvonne has had a meltdown

-on the local news.

-Where is she now?

Downstairs in a bit of a state, but we've got a bigger problem.

The journalist.

What do you propose we do?

Silence him.

Just a bit.

He's a danger to the house, Hal.

Let's do it.

Hi.

Sorry, mate.

You came. Brilliant.

Why wouldn't I? Sounds like you've got some amazing things to show me.

You show me yours, I'll show you mine.

Well, come in then.

STREET NOISE AND LAUGHING

Do you want my professional opinion?

This is weak.

Pictures of empty rooms. No, what you have here at best is corroborating evidence

There's a difference between that and actual proof.

Like a vampire.

In person.

Like that kid I saw at that house.

Yeah.

Why is this so important to you anyway?

I was 12.

Um...

Mum had a new boyfriend.

Told me all about him.

Said, if we were lucky, if she played her cards right,

we'd get out of our poxy one-bedroom flat above the Chinese.

She let him in with his mates.

So polite at first.

So polite.

They couldn't stop laughing as they did it.

I've been following them ever since. Using my work to chase leads.

I didn't care what stories I covered, I just wanted to find them.

And I'd get so close...you know.

A photograph without an image...

a story of a body found drained of blood, always so close.

But you're right, mate, you're right. Without something tangible,

it really is just a load of pictures of empty rooms.

Hey...

keep looking.

Keep digging, you'll find it one day.

Thank you.

Here's a funny thing.

You couldn't come into my room until I invited you.

Why was that, Mr Cutler?

Gotcha.

FLOORBOARDS CREAKING

Hello?

Yvonne, if that's you, I'm not allowed out.

CREAKING

I'm not quite sure I feel the same about you any more.

Hope you don't mind.

What do you want?

To expose you, of course.

Show you to the world.

I can't let that happen, Pete, you understand that, don't you?

Well...

you know where the door is.

Oh!

Ha-ha-ha.

Oh!

So... So we're going to be spending some time together, are we, Pete?

For a while.

And then my friends are coming.

My journalist friends.

And my police friends.

With cameras.

Oh...

Ha!

SNARLING

You can kill me if you want.

Kill me and drink me.

But you can't get out.

And they'll come.

And they'll see what you are.

And the truth will finally be out.

HISSING

Mate, turn the TV up. Turn the volume up. Up. Any time today would be brilliant.

I stole a boy's innocence, just like you wrote,

because I could.

I did it...because I hate you all.

Because I'm a monster

and you all deserve my contempt and my wrath.

There.

Happy now?

-Have you been following me?

-What else do you want?

Aren't I disgusting enough?

Well?

-No.

-Well?

What's it going to be? Good cop, bad cop?

I could be good cop, suddenly turned crazy, psycho ghost cop.

What do you think?

Hal, cover your eyes. There's a cross.

I'm an Old One, crosses don't affect us.

About 300 years ago, I ended up in a monastery in Budapest.

The monks...

...lured me into a cell, pinned crucifixes to every wall. I was trapped...

...for nine months.

Then one of them came and asked if I would repent of all my sins. I killed him.

I draped his body over mine and then I used it as a shield to approach the door.

He had a vampire in here, trapped in just the same way.

And it looked like he had the same idea.

Or they'd heard my story.

OK, you need to get out of here.

Hal...

Hal!

Hm?

Fine.

I'm fine!

But, you're right, we should go.

CLICK

I'm sorry, Miss, I don't mean to be rude...

Then don't be.

Don't look at me like that. I promised.

I understand.

Let's shake hands and say no more about it.

Tom?

It's just a handshake.

There.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

You can't blame me for wanting love, can you?

I can give you all the love you need.

You get so lonely.

So miserable.

So...desperate for some affection.

Here I am.

-Please don't blame me.

-I won't blame you for anything.

I'm going to kill you tonight, dear Tom.

I have to.

It's what I am.

That's what I love about you.

You're sweet.

And you're gorgeous.

Close your eyes.

Don't look at me. Close your eyes.

It'll all be over soon.

-DOOR SLAMS

-ADAM: Yvonne? Yvonne!

Adam?

Oh, no!

Adam!

Adam?

Don't... Don't!

-You came back!

-Don't open the bloody door.

Don't!

I'll be under your spell again.

I just want to talk to you straight. OK?

Yes.

Tell me straight.

I saw you on telly.

-You looked lush.

-That's just the spell talking.

I saw what you said. You're not a monster.

But I am.

No, you're not. You're lonely.

I was lonely, before I met you.

I tricked you, Adam.

Yeah, but not on purpose. It wasn't on purpose.

You know I nearly did something terrible?

So did I.

A moment of madness. That's all.

That's all it takes, isn't it?

I hate being a vampire.

I hate being a succubus.

We're both trapped.

We should be trapped together.

You know, I honestly think you're ace. I really do.

And I know I'm an idiot.

I know. And I know I say stupid things.

And I'm bloody irritating.

But you're not, my love, you're none of those things!

With you, I felt safe.

All the hunger and the anger went away.

I felt loved and...I loved you.

That was just a spell.

Yeah, but, look, now there's no magic and I still love you.

We're just afraid of being alone.

Yeah, well, maybe that's what love is.

Just because we're a bit rubbish and we're cursed because of what we are

doesn't mean we can't be happy.

I don't deserve you.

I love you.

But you don't, Adam, not really.

I really do.

-And I'm coming in to prove it.

-No, no!

I can't let you do this!

Well, bloody run away, then, go on, run. Cos I'll just come after you.

It doesn't matter how many thousands of miles we are apart,

I'll still be under your spell.

We should get there some time the following afternoon.

Ah, the Isle of Grimsay.

Beautiful.

Have you been there?

-He's been everywhere.

-Come on, Yvonne. If we're not there by seven, my cock will explode.

Adam Jacobs, am I going to have to wash your mouth out with soap?

Irresistible, isn't he? CAR DOOR CLOSES

Would you say goodbye to Tom for us?

Er, yes. And he's really sorry that he couldn't be here.

He just thought it would be better if he...

hid.

Adam...

Little twat.

-I'm really going to miss him.

-CAR HORN BEEPS

You do know Tom's planning to build a swimming pool in the back garden?

Er, yes!

-You're in denial about it, aren't you?

-Yes.

-It's brilliant.

-Annie?

I really was going to hurt that journalist.

And I wanted you to. It's why I dragged you along with me.

Ever since I killed Kirby, I've...

...wanted to do it again.

It's like a drug, isn't it?

But you didn't.

And you didn't drink blood. You're stronger than that.

I suppose I must be.

I really can control myself.

Um, I need to give Eve her dinner.

I'll do it.

-Oh...

-I can do it!

OK.

TAPPING OF KEYSTROKES

Thomas, You're about to become very, very famous.

SCREAMING We're both werewolves!

-SCREAMING STOPS

-I'm Allison, by the way.

-Tom.

-It's had over a million hits.

-It was a trap by the vampires.

Tom said you might be the man to explain how this stuff is getting out there.

This is actually the first I've heard about it.

Argh!

ANNIE: I'm going to help you solve your unfinished business.

-I expect some decent compo out of this.

-Alex! Hello!

You seem a little bit...mental.

HEARTBEATS