A Spectre Calls Being Human

Contains some strong language and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

The Nemesis has a burnt arm.

What, and that's it?

If you see a scary man with a burnt arm, run away!

We need to sort our shit out before the Old Ones arrive.

I've got something to show them a whole lot better than your shit-eating grin.

It's good to be back.

His daughter was only allowed to take toys to school

that could fit inside a matchbox.

But because he was a very clever man, this Mr Odell, he made her a tiny little metal steamroller,

and that was the first ever Matchbox toy.

Oh, Billy! Oh-ho-ho!

What would Mummy say if I brought you home all flat like a pancake, eh?

I'm going to have to take you under my wing, aren't I, little fella?

Have you seen the advert?

Always use the Green Cross Code, because I won't be there when you cross the...

CRASH

CRIES

Please don't do that, little baby.

Help!

Anyone!

Annie's made a rota.

I already have a rota.

7am, I feed the baby, 8am, you walk the baby.

There's a task for every hour and it's colour coded.

Little pictures of nappies and bottles.

And glitter.

She's planned every moment of every minute of every day of our lives.

We must destroy this.

Guys, there's someone watching the house.

You've made a rota and I already have a rota.

I know, it's great, isn't it?

Now Eve will have one of us watching her at all times, 24/7. Ring of steel!

Oh, he's coming up the path.

BELL RINGS

Whoa! Ow, easy, guys! Can't they be a bit gentler?

-Ah, he can see me!

-Yeah, course I can.

-He's a vampire.

-No, no.

-No, he's a ghost.

-Yeah, sorry, I should have...

What's this about? Hal, Tom, Annie...

It's me.

It's Alfie Kirby.

Weren't you told? Nina sent me.

Nina?

Yeah.

Isn't she great?

So tiny, yet so loud. Yeah.

We met on...you know, the other side.

Nina told me to help.

Said you were doing great, but could do with an extra pair of hands.

He doesn't have a burn.

Why would she send you?

-I was a nursery teacher before I crocked it.

-Why didn't she come herself?

She can't. Werewolves can't be ghosts.

That would really mess things up.

That don't make no sense.

Neither do the lyrics of Bohemian Rhapsody,

but I didn't make them up either.

Oh, hang on.

Annie, Nina told me to remind you of, um, George's GQ magazine.

Does that not ring a bell?

I'd never heard of it.

But Nina got quite fierce when I tried to argue with her.

Now, that is the first believable thing that you've said.

CHUCKLES

I'm not going to pretend I couldn't do with the help.

All I seem to do these days is run around with nappies and bottom cream.

Then there's the baby.

Yeah!

That's my room, and this is Tom's room.

Ey-up!

Sorry about the mess.

I don't think it's too bad.

Thank you.

For a war zone.

Yes, well, come on, Kirby.

Tom's got some tidying up to do.

CHUCKLES

KNOCK ON DOOR

Um, and this is Hal's room.

Hm.

Yes.

CHUCKLES

Next stop, nursery.

Right.

Ta-da!

Oh.

Right.

Right.

Oh. Oh, is it the crucifixes?

-Well, they are a bit of a downer.

-Yeah.

Are you sure that she wouldn't like something a bit, er, pinker?

Well, we need to prot....

Um...

Yeah.

Yeah, I think she would.

Oh, God, I'm a disaster!

Oh, don't be daft. This place just needs a lick of paint, that's all.

Some bright, stimulating colours, like we had at school.

Maybe a chest of drawers there for some toys and clothes.

I'm traumatising her.

I mean, she's meant to be the Saviour, but instead she's going to end up pregnant at 13,

on drugs and knifing pensioners outside the Quasar Centre.

Take it from me - what matters is having parents that love you,

knowing you're wanted and treasured. Get that right,

the rest is easy.

Whoo-hoo! So you're the thing that's causing such a commotion.

Um, Kirby, this is Eve, the Saviour.

Still in a nappy.

Not quite on solids.

-But cute as a button.

-Yeah.

Right, we'll get this place

spick and span in no time. I mean, the rest of the house is fab.

Although I wasn't sure about the knife in the wall downstairs.

Oh, yeah, that was me.

A vampire got in and tried to hurt Eve, so I, you know...

Nee-nee-nee!

-You can be quite scary.

-Yeah. New mum. What can I say?

CHUCKLES

Oi! Go and get some nice things for the nursery. You know, like pink curtains,

stimulating colours, a chest of drawers.

What about the tidying up?

All right, yeah, whatever you want.

EVE CRYING Oh, um...

She's got you well trained.

Eh?

The way she talks to you. That's women, eh?

You're great not to let it get to you.

I suppose.

-Look, I shouldn't hang about.

-She says, "Jump."

You say, "How high?" I know. Get out while you can.

90, 91...

-Hal?

-..92...

Hal, um, it's 12 o'clock, so baby massage and stimulating story time.

..98, 99...

100, great!

-Um, Eve needs to...

-..102, 103, 104...

-Kirby's great, isn't he?

-..105...

He's quite funny too.

Now you're just showing off.

I can't do twelve till one.

-But it's on the rota.

-Yes, but on my rota,

it says 12 o'clock, press-ups, then You And Yours on Radio 4.

-Oh!

-It's important. It keeps me...

-Buff?

-No.

-Up to date with consumer affairs?

-No, it keeps me from killing.

-Oh.

-And you've seen me.

This is how I focus and control it.

So you take it out on your pecs.

Better them than humanity.

Hal, we're meant to be a team. HAL SIGHS

OK.

And when you said "humanity", you meant...

I'd kill everyone I encountered until I was sated.

Barry, Cardiff, most of south Wales.

Right.

Not all bad, then.

OK...

well, don't forget to use lavender oil for the massage.

OK?

I never forget anything.

It must be lovely being you.

Always the cleverest and the oldest and never forget anything

-for hundreds of years.

-No.

It's terrible.

Oh, hey! What are you up to?

Just a spot of tidying.

-You don't have to do that.

-Just trying to help.

Tom said you can get all twisted if things aren't done your way.

-He said what?

-Oh, no, forget I said that. Sorry.

That was just me and my big mouth.

Please don't say anything.

Oh, no, it's fine.

I don't mean to cause any trouble between you guys.

Oh, and you can't. Not with my rota.

-We're a well-oiled machine.

-I bet.

Even Hal?

Only Eve is the War Child,

the destructor of vampires

-and...Hal is...

-Yeah.

No, we've talked about that and I trust him.

Oh, well, then I do too. Yeah.

Ah, Annie, you're so...nice.

I think you're the best.

Oh, stop it!

Really?

-CLATTERING

-I could do with a hand.

Um, right.

I found it in the skip down the road. Good, innit?

-Oh, my God!

-What?

Just needs a touch-up, that's all.

Tom...do you honestly think that that is suitable?

-You told me to get a chest of drawers.

-Not from a skip!

-And besides, it's not even a chest of...

-All right,

-don't get so...

-So what? Twisted?

-Eh?

-Let's take it outside, Tom. Come on,

-I'll give you a hand.

-No, you're all right, I can do it.

Sometimes, honestly, I...

He's just a kid, isn't he?

Yeah. Yeah, I know, he is.

Look, I'm really sorry, you're not seeing us at our best here.

Don't give it another thought.

Hey, maybe it'll be helpful to have another fella around the house.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I know, I know, stupid idea.

Look, I thought it just needed a good clean.

-But Annie said...

-Oh, Annie said...

-Why are you so down on yourself?

-Eh?

I can see that I need to take you under my wing.

What are all these pictures?

Oh, nothing. Just things I ain't done yet.

-Things that...

-Things that you want to do?

I think that's brilliant. What's this one?

Nothing. Just makes me laugh.

It's a birthday cake, innit?

You say it like you've never had one.

Well, who has? Birthdays, getting older - big deal, innit?

What, it is a big deal?

But McNair always used to...

Is it true, then, about werewolves never coming back?

Why, were you hoping?

No. No, I'm doing fine without him. I'm doing great.

Are birthdays a big deal for everyone?

Did you never get a card or a present or anything?

I'd get a cupcake and a four-inch skinning knife

or a steak and a sparkler.

Or...a crucifix and a banana muffin.

When's your birthday?

-Oh, tomorrow.

-Tomorrow?

Like I say, it don't matter.

-How old are you gonna be?

-21.

Do Hal and Annie know? Oh, course they do.

-Tom, your 21st birthday is massive.

-Nah!

Yeah, of cou... Oh, I know what they're doing.

Oh, those sneaky so-and-sos!

They're organising you a surprise birthday party.

What, like the picture?

Bigger than that! Hey, but listen, you can't say anything,

or else you'll ruin the surprise.

Will there be candles?

Candles? If I've got anything to do with it, there'll be fireworks!

Annie's getting hysterical downstairs, and I'm not enjoying it.

We're on our way.

She has a temperature.

A bloody temperature!

Well, just call the GP. Get him to do a house visit.

Just say Tom's the dad.

-Yeah!

-He'd be great.

Yeah, I would.

-Where's the mother?

-At work.

Yeah, she's a barrister. Dead classy, we're a real power couple.

We have dinner parties and probably going to get a Labrador.

And this classy barrister left the baby with him?

Well, what would you suggest, Hal?

I've got it!

DOORBELL RINGING

Mr McNair?

Do come in.

Right.

So?

-Where's the baby?

-Oh, yeah, I'll just go and get her now.

Oh, my...

EVE GURGLING

-She has a temperature?

-Yes.

She's been crying more than usual, won't go down

-and she seems off her food.

-Word perfect.

-Cheers.

-Sorry?

-Cheese, she don't like her cheese.

-You're feeding her cheese?

-Oh, God.

-Only Mini Babybels.

Hal! Hal!

Oh, you mean for her? No. No cheese for her.

For me, obviously.

You look after the baby on your own, do you?

Um...

-Hal, get down here now!

-Are you the baby's sole carer?

Nope. It's not just me.

There's the baby's mother?

-Get in here!

-Sort of, yeah.

-Is everything all right here?

-Because you seem rather odd.

-What do you mean by that?

-Who are you?

I'm, um...

Say it.

I'm his...

...boyfriend.

EVE GURGLES

Yeah, me and him, we've...

When you said "rather odd",

what were you implying?

That he's a halfwit.

-That's not very nice.

-No, you weren't.

You were saying he was gay. You were being prejudiced.

OK, n...no, hang on.

I think you should just check on the baby, don't you?

So...where were you when the nice doctor man came?

I was having a shit.

Nice.

Yes, the baby has a minor ear infection.

I'll write you a prescription.

She should be fine...in a few days.

Wicked.

Oh.

I had no idea you were gay.

Most of the gay couples I know... have taste.

It's rented.

And I don't appreciate the accusation.

There was no mention of an adoption in the paperwork.

In fact, I couldn't find any record of the baby on our entire system.

-It's fine. Just go away now.

-Gladly.

There are things I need to check.

No, no, no, no. He can't check.

-If he checks, he'll find out we're not the parents.

-Oh, great.

Persecute the queens.

Well, I'll tell you something, mate. I'm gay and I'm stray.

That's not it, is it?

I'm here and I'm queer!

May I get changed now?

No.

You're not going to check up on them, are you?

Because that would really upset Annie.

And I can't be having that.

SIGHS

I've had a lot of time to think about this,

but obviously never really had a chance to try it out.

So bear with me.

Your heartbeat.

It's...

It's a little fast.

Isn't it?

Yes.

I can feel it, pumping hard.

Like it's struggling to get the blood around your body.

We'll start...with a little stutter.

-Oh!

-That's the stuff.

Oh, God, I've missed this.

Do you know what my favourite bit was?

This.

I swear to God.

That little beat of tenderness just before the deed.

But we can't hang about. So here comes another one.

-Gah!

-Don't fight it, Doctor.

-It would have happened anyway.

-LAUGHS

Probably.

Oh, God, this feels good!

In the old days, I would have used a knife, but this...

this is amazing!

That's it.

Sleep well.

I'm so proud of you.

Do you know what happened to that GP, Kirby?

Heart attack, I expect.

As soon as he came in, I thought

there's someone who shouldn't start any long books.

Still, lucky for us, really, when you think about it.

I mean, all the trouble he was about to cause.

It's peculiar, though, isn't it?

Dead GP.

Outside our house.

On the day you arrive.

Well, you're the expert when it comes to sudden, mysterious deaths.

Yeah. I meant to say...

when I was on the other side, I met quite a lot of people who knew you.

Gosh, who was there?

Poor old Eleanor?

How old was she when you ripped her to pieces?

Fourteen.

And Nadia, who you kept alive for months in that dungeon,

feeding on her until she went completely bonkers.

And Catherine?

Ooh!

Rrrr!

So sweet.

Dead a hundred years, but still crazy about you.

Even though you broke her heart...

and ate it.

But look at you now, hey?

Quite the transformation.

I bet that Annie wouldn't recognise you.

-If she heard what you were like...

-She knows about my past.

Really? All the gory details?

You see, I think that you were hiding in that barber's...

in, where was it?

Southend. Yeah, I think that you were there

for so long that you'd forgotten what people are like.

You see, you might have gotten used to what you are,

but someone else, hearing all that for the first time,

I don't know, Hal, I just think that they might find it quite disturbing.

Chances are, you'd be out on your ear.

And then what would happen, hey?

Lock up your daughters.

What do you want?

Be nice to me.

-Help Annie like me.

-She already likes you.

-Yeah, I know, but really like me.

I think she's smashing, but she won't let me help with the baby.

And that makes me feel like she doesn't trust me.

She's a good judge of people.

Yeah. Huh! Except she trusts you, so she's not that good, is she?

I just want us to be a happy family, Hal.

Annie deserves that, doesn't she?

And if I'm going to keep quiet about your...

hinterland, then I deserve it too.

Don't I?

Aah!

WHISTLES

WHISTLING CONTINUES

CLEARS THROAT

All right?

Yep.

You were right. They do talk down to me, don't they?

A bit. Maybe.

How come Hal doesn't have to do this? How come I'm...?

Maybe they're just being like this

because today's the last day they can.

I mean, tomorrow,

you're going to be 21...a man.

And an equal.

Just cos it's me birthday?

-Mm-hm.

-Do you really think they're throwing me a massive party?

You'd have to have a heart of stone not to.

Did you have a massive party?

The biggest.

My parents transformed the entire house

into the Starship Enterprise.

Everywhere you looked, there were presents.

And I could do whatever I wanted.

All day.

No way.

DOOR CREAKS

Oh. Um, it's OK.

Reflexology isn't for another 20 minutes or so.

I know.

I came to see you.

Oh. That's nice.

You like Kirby.

Yeah, he's...he's sweet.

Why, don't you?

-I didn't say that.

-No.

-But you're glaring.

-That's not me glaring,

it's...it's just me looking.

OK. So you do like him.

He likes you.

He's, um...

-He's different.

-Look, Annie,

-there are things I've done...

-No.

No, you don't have to tell me.

But I would like to.

And I'd prefer you heard it from me than...

-from someone else.

-Please, Hal, don't.

Look...

We're just starting to work as a family...

so please, don't ruin it, OK?

-I don't want to.

-Then just shut up.

OK, because it scares me...

thinking about what you've done and what you could do.

But for us, and for Eve, I'm...

I'm choosing to ignore it.

That really is how it works? You really would rather not know?

I just, um...

I just want something good for a change.

-You know, something uncomplicated.

-And you think that's what Kirby is?

I didn't say that. But...

yes.

-Yes, I guess so.

-Well, he is, compared to...

CLEARS THROAT

-She likes it that you're soft.

-That's my way in?

Hey, this'll be good for all of us.

Especially the baby.

GRUNTING

ANNIE CHATTING, EVE CRYING

-It always takes a couple of days.

-Ssh-ssh!

There, there. There we go.

I tell you, when I was teaching, we always had someone that was ill.

I spent my entire life with sick down my shirt.

Morning!

Tom, ssh! Are you trying to set her off again?

-Morning, champ.

-Ssh, ssh!

Happy birthday!

Sorry, I forgot to say. So, everyone's going to ignore you all day,

-but it's part of the fun.

-Hilarious(!)

It's great. They're going to pretend they don't know it's your birthday,

then at 5pm, you've got to come back and be all "Grrr!

"No-one remembered," and "Grrr!" and they're all going to jump out from behind the sofa

and scream, "Surprise!"

Grrr! Rrrrr!

That's it. But the grumpier, the better.

-Where's me brekkie?

-Perfect.

No, really, Annie always makes it.

Annie's ignoring you, isn't she, dumbo?

Now, you stuff your face and just bugger off for the day.

Yeah, but I'm on the rota.

Oh! You want to ruin your own 21st?

Whatever, Annie.

Whatever, Hal.

Oi, I'm talking to you.

The paper says the Box Tunnel murderer's stomach contained human flesh.

-It said what?

-As if I care!

Where's me Cheerios?

Jason Healey didn't even do it in the first place.

That young man's problem is he holds too much anger inside.

He needs to learn to let out his feelings.

You're so right.

I'm going to find out about this.

Dr Wilson.

Why did you lie?

It's true.

-It's what I found.

-Jason Healey was set up by the police.

He wasn't even on that train, let alone eating its passengers.

Your clothes are expensive, they're what, a year old?

So it wasn't for money.

I can show you my report, I can show you...

-Aah!

-Your nails are bitten to the quick.

Your fingers smell of cigarettes, but you don't have the wrinkle on your upper lip

that smokers have, so this is a new habit.

Your eyes are red, you haven't been sleeping, you're stressed.

No.

-You're frightened.

-Hello, is Angela there?

SHRIEKING

Now listen, I'm going to take my hand away from your mouth. If you scream,

I will kill you. Do you believe that?

Jenny.

Who made you write that report? Who has frightened you?

WHIMPERING

Whisper.

-All I want is a name, then I'm gone.

-He'll kill me.

-I will kill you if you don't.

-Oh, God!

Please don't, please!

I'm just trying to protect my family. I didn't want any of this.

He came to me. I didn't want any of this.

Tell me this. Was he like me?

This is how you get what you want, isn't it? You terrorise people.

You destroy them.

You make them so scared they can't function.

I'm sorry.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

SOBBING

EVE GURGLES

Hal?

-Hal?

-Hiya.

-Oh.

-He's not come back.

-Oh, but it's...

-His turn on the rota. I know.

Hey, do you want me to take his place?

Oh, no, it's his turn.

I know, but I would love the chance to look after little Eve on my own.

No, he's meant to do it, and we're a team, so...

-Um...where's Tom?

-Oh, he just shot off.

Kids, eh? Ha-ha!

Babies, kids, vampires, you've really got your hands full, haven't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, and I'm...

I'm so tired.

I don't know why I'm tired, I'm never tired.

Hey, come on.

It's just sometimes I miss my old friends, you know.

Of course you do. But if it makes you feel any better, I'm not going anywhere.

Oh...thank you.

It does.

That's my girl.

KEYS JANGLING

ANNIE AND KIRBY LAUGHING

ANNIE: Oh, dear!

Oh! Where have you been?

I went to find out about the stories in the paper.

-I told you.

-Oh, I didn't think you'd take so long.

It's just been me and Kirby all day.

Oh, Hal, there you are!

ANNIE: So, what did you find out?

I'm not sure, but a vampire...

or vampires are spreading stories, but I don't know why.

-Vampires, eh?

-Hmm.

Look, we should be careful.

Do you think it's to do with Eve?

No, something else.

Dangerous, are they?

What, vampires? Yes...Kirby. They're lethal.

Not you, though. Oh!

Thank goodness we've got you here in the house to protect us. Eh, Annie?

Yeah.

Look, I'm clearly interrupting.

Eek!

Someone fell out of the wrong side of the coffin this morning.

Yeah.

Oh, my goodness, I had no idea. What an amazing surprise!

Hello?

Anybody here?

Hiding behind the sofas?

It's just me, Tom.

Not expecting owt.

Nothin' at all.

Where the hell have you been?

You were supposed to be watching Eve this afternoon. It's on the rota.

-I thought that we'd...

-Stop acting like a kid, for God's sake!

SOBBING

DOOR OPENING

Oh, I'm so sorry, Tom.

-You said...

-I know. I thought...

It's what usually happens...in a family.

-I thought you guys were close.

-We are...I thought.

I thought I was gonna do something normal. Finally be like everybody else.

And you should be normal.

I mean, it's only one night a month, isn't it?

It's not like them.

Well, maybe that's...

maybe that's why he said...

What did Hal say?

Oh, he didn't mean it.

Mean what?

Don't you protect him, Kirby. You're a nice guy, but I need to know.

Well...he doesn't want you growing up.

He wants you in your box.

In your kennel.

Just like your "dad".

-Five more minutes.

-Nope.

-Yes, five minutes.

-You're not in charge of me

and I'm not a child.

If you'd wait for five minutes...

You should go now.

-What if I don't?

-I could make you.

Bossing me about. Who do you think I am?

-I'm learning not to answer questions like that.

-Yeah....

Aah! Fight with me. Fight me.

ANNIE: What are you doing? Tom!

Hal, stop. Stop it!

Argh, your toxic fucking blood!

Tom...

Tom!

KIRBY: Oh, no.

Don't go, mate.

Come back.

ANNIE: What were you arguing about?

HAL: I don't know. Nothing.

-You must have said something.

-He was mainly shouting at me.

Well, now he's gone. Are you happy?

He started it.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable!

Is there anything I can do to help?

I missed You & Yours.

Tom will come back, I'm sure of it.

No. Everybody thinks that Tom is so strong, but he's not.

And I'm supposed to look after him and he's supposed to look after me.

I promise I'll make everything all right.

I, um...

Um, well, I should, er... I should go and check on Eve.

I could go.

Thank you, but no. I, um... I have to.

MUSIC PLAYS "We Are Fucking Angry" by The King Blues

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

# Just a glimpse of the future we're buying

# Behind them hands are you laughing or crying?

# You fall apart when we ain't complying

# And we ain't gonna take this no more

# In the fog, vampire bloodsuckers

# Fight 'em off by flinging nunchukas

# You can't stop us, up for the ruckus

# And we ain't gonna take this no more

# Cut the bankers, cut the MPs

# Cut the rich and the riot police

# Cut the state and cut the war

# But them all cut the poor We are fighting back... #

You know what, mate?

# And we are fucking angry

# We are fighting back

# And we are fucking angry

# We are fighting back... #

WHISTLING

-Hiya.

-Annie's upset with me.

I saw. Yeah, sorry, mate.

Still, on the plus side, she's very friendly with me.

-GIGGLES

-She thinks I said something to Tom.

But I didn't.

So you must have.

-He was my friend.

-You don't have any friends.

-Well, he could have been.

-Aren't you ashamed,

slumming it like a student?

At your age?

You killed the GP, didn't you?

Ha-ha.

I was protecting Annie and the baby.

So I did what I did.

What have you done?

Getting rid of Tom doesn't help the baby.

I'm not so sure about that.

Me and Annie, we'd make a lovely couple.

Tom was more of a hindrance, really.

What about me?

You didn't answer the question, buddy.

How long's it going to be until you do the dirty on Annie?

Hey?

Until you...do something...

crazy.

You know it's going to happen eventually.

I'm not as easily manipulated as Tom.

No, no. But then again...

Oh, messy.

How's your room?

SMASHING

Don't!

Or what?

Do not touch that.

Please!

Oh, mate! Please?

Oh!

-EVE CRYING

-HAL: Kirby!

Aah, Kirby!

KIRBY: No, there's no-one in here.

CRYING CONTINUES

No! Hal, don't hurt the baby!

No.

No, this isn't...

No.

Oh, my God, he was totally out of control!

He was a monster. Monster!

Hal?

Yes?

You have to leave.

You have to leave this house now.

WHIMPERING

Evening, chaps.

Good evening, Jeffrey.

Mr Cutler.

Affray, drunk and disorderly, possibly ABH.

-GBH if my mood doesn't improve.

-That's Tom McNair, yes?

Don't mess around. Not on a Saturday night.

-How old was the arresting officer?

-Jesus!

Your lad was caught in the act, kicking seven shades of shit out of someone.

Yes. Yeah, I'm sure that's exactly what your young constable told you.

Excitable young fella, is he?

Anything he told you about the arrest that gave you cause for concern?

-Like?

-Like...

the victim. How's his statement?

You do have a statement from the victim, don't you, Jeffrey?

-It's coming.

-Of course.

Not drinking, was he, your excitable and imaginative

-young Police Constable Price?

-No.

Just eager to impress, then.

It's a shame there aren't any other officers

to corroborate his version of events.

What have you got?

CCTV of the alley.

Shows the arrest and the, um..."fight."

Go on.

Watch it. I have to say, it certainly shows my client was drunk.

I mean, why run about kicking imaginary enemies unless you're plastered, eh?

What?

He's the only one in the alley.

There's no victim, no affray,

no ABH, nothing.

Get the prisoner out here.

And tell Albie Price I want a word.

Sorry, Jeffrey. Still, less paperwork for you, eh?

Come on, lad.

Looks like it's your lucky night.

Hello, Mr McNair.

All right?

-He's free to go, yeah?

-Oh, sod off!

Thank you, Jeffrey.

Mr McNair?

How did you do that?

I'm just very, very good at my job.

You're a vampire?

Look...it must be hard for you, having grown up hating us, I get that.

But there are good vampires out there.

And I hope one day you realise that.

And when you do...

I hope you'll give me a call.

I'm a friend when you need one.

SOBBING

SOBBING CONTINUES

Oh, God!

You know, I just thought we could just slot together.

And that everything could be how it was before.

Oh, God, I'm so stupid.

And I'm so tired.

What's wrong with me?

What did Nina mean about George's GQ magazine?

LAUGHING Oh, that, um...

Well, er...

one night, um...

Nina and I were flicking through... the pages, looking at all the dishy men

that were way out of our league, and I said

that...I just wanted one good one.

Then she sent me you.

I'm really glad that you're here.

I don't know, er... I don't know what I'd do without you.

I think you're lovely.

Oh, Annie.

Look at you.

With that dreamy smile...

...and that incredibly dull personality.

I can't work out if Tom left because he was bored

or if he was scared he'd self-harm if you mentioned that bloody rota again.

Don't be upset. You're nice. It's your thing.

But it drives people away.

It drove Mitchell to suicide.

From what I heard.

-Why would you say that?

-Oh, Annie,

I've tried, believe me.

But you'd have to have the patience of a saint to spend more than a day with you.

And, well...

I'm no saint.

OK, confession time.

I never was a nursery teacher.

But I do love kids.

And when they saw me, they all came running.

I was a toy salesman.

See?

The toy man!

They'd all cry. Their little faces.

I'd go door to door, town to town, selling my wares,

getting to know the kids,

getting to know their mums.

-I'd be a bit hopeless.

-CHUCKLES

I'd be a bit cheeky.

And then I'd say, "Oh, no! My digs have fallen through!"

And they'd say, "Oh, well, you can stay here then...if you like."

People were much nicer back then.

Anyway, I'd get my feet under the table

and we'd all be a nice, happy little family.

I never wanted it to end.

But families never last. Dad fights with Mum.

Mum walks out and a kid gets left behind.

Then it all gets...

ruined.

When I cut their throats, I knew it was bad,

but the feeling!

Annie, you see,

evil is like travelling first class.

Try it once, and you can never go back.

Not that you'd ever understand.

Because you'll always be plain.

And boring.

And Annie.

Isn't that right?

Dear little Annie.

Unloved.

Alone.

Unlovable.

CHUCKLING

I'm sure someone will remember you.

Well, maybe not.

(Can't even go out with a bang, can you?)

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call "mission accomplished".

Damn it, I'm so good I'm Starsky and Hutch!

-THUD!

-What are you doing?

I'm sorry about going mental before.

Did you know it was my birthday today?

-Why didn't you say?

-I thought you knew.

Kirby.

MUSIC PLAYS: "Gotta Go Home" by Boney M

# Heading for the islands We're ready, man, and packed to go... #

Kirby?

-Kirby!

-Bloody hell!

What are you doing?

The deed's done, love.

Annie's toast, just like we planned.

I added a little Kirby flavour, of course,

just to sprinkle my magic.

But gotta say, all the stuff about Nina, bingo!

I wouldn't have got my foot in the door if it hadn't have been for all that.

So, Annie's, um...

Annie's really gone, has she?

Like a fart on the breeze.

OK. So do it.

You got rid of her friends, her familiar, so you could get rid of her,

and now she's gone, you can do what I put you there for.

-Kill the baby.

-Whoa!

Hey, baby! Let me savour the moment.

I mean, look at this place. We're made for each other.

You idiot! They're coming back.

DOOR OPENS

Annie!

Kirby.

Where's Annie?

Ooh, that's a really deep question you're asking there.

-You've killed her.

-Well, she was already dead,

so not literally, but...

DRUM ROLL

-..yes!

-No.

Why are you here, Kirby?

I don't really want to answer that question because it'll get all Scooby Doo.

Do you mind if I tell you after I've finished?

You want to kill the baby?

-Why?

-Cos I was told to.

YORKSHIRE ACCENT: That were the whole bloody mission.

USUAL ACCENT: I was sent here to kill her,

and if I could do that, then I could stay.

Oh...

AMERICAN ACCENT: Now I've started explaining it all!

-You'll have to get through me first.

-Yes.

One problem, little man.

The baby's not in the cot.

Move and I'll kill her! I dare you.

I double dare you. There's nothing you can do.

You can watch her die, or you can leave.

-Either way, she's going to die.

-ELECTRICAL FIZZLING

I bet you're kicking yourselves, aren't you?

Wondering how on Earth you didn't recognise me.

For fuck's sake! The toy man!

I killed five women.

The little sod whose ball I was getting when I got run over,

his mum was going to be number six.

And then, well, who knows how many I would have killed.

I would have been up there with the GREATS!

There would have been a waxwork of me at Madame Tussauds.

There'd be theories...copycats.

TERRIBLE FILMS!

Really? Nothing?

OK, yeah, fine. Fine.

Jesus! Forget it.

Where was I?

Oh, yes. Sorry, Eve, it's time to go, love.

This won't hurt...much.

ELECTRICAL FIZZLING

You want to get that looked at.

Aaargh!

Aaaargh!

Aaaaa-aaargh!

Is it me, or do I have the worst taste in men...ever?

You said that would be it.

If I did what you asked, you said that there wouldn't be anything else.

What's happened?

Someone came after me today.

It was...one of you.

A vampire?

He knew that I'd falsified that report.

He knew all about the cover-up.

He wanted to know who was behind it.

He wanted to know your name.

-And you told him.

-No. I didn't, I swear.

What did he look like?

Um...brown hair, well spoken,

clever.

It was weird, because he knew how to frighten me,

and then it was like... Then...he apologised.

I wasn't expecting this.

There isn't room for this. Who is he and why is he so interested?

-I didn't say a word to him.

-It doesn't matter,

he'll come back. He'll come back and he'll ruin everything.

He can come back as much as he likes. I just want to forget

all about this. I just want to get back to my children.

Now look what you've made me do.

That one's not straight. If you're gonna do it, do it properly.

Now he finds his sense of humour.

Tom, Hal! Help! Help!

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you... #

-Come on, Hal.

-I don't sing.

# Happy birthday, dear Tom

-# Happy birthday to you!

-#

Happy birthday, Tom.

Wicked.

No, no. Tom, blow them out.

-Huh?

-Blow them out, darling.

-Oh, I forgot the plates.

-I'll get 'em, I'll get 'em.

-Look, I'm sorry about earlier.

-Don't apologise.

I'm sorry you had to see that side of me...again.

Well, it's no worse than what I did.

But, you know, I had to.

There's this rage inside of me, and I had to save her.

And I felt you and Tom back here at the house, and all of that together

-just helped me fight my way back.

-Kirby came here to kill Eve,

just like it says on the parchments, but he didn't have a burn.

So what are you saying?

Perhaps the myth is wrong.

This person with the burn, perhaps they don't pose a threat after all.

Well, yes, except he didn't succeed,

so, even after all of that, it might be someone else.

But not you. Not you.

And, um, now I know that you could never hurt Eve, so...

Awkward.

Yeah.

Would you please excuse me for a moment?

Mm-hm.

-TOM:

-Come on, man, this cake's lush!

Coming.

I am chicka-chicka back!

Who the hell are you? Who the bloody hell are you?

Adam and I are in love.

-One might say we are on the run.

-Tell me you didn't lead the press to our door.

Oi-oi!

Gotcha!

I'd like to talk to you about Tom McNair.

Embrace the pleasure.

-Does the hound want another whipping?

-Try it!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd