The Graveyard Shift Being Human


The Graveyard Shift

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This programme contains some strong language and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

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-She's going to save the world.

-Remove your weapon.

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-Who sent you here?

-Move in here!

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Are you somehow drunk?

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Griffin's dead.

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We seriously need to sort our shit out before the Old Ones arrive.

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What we need now is fists and fangs.

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The other guy?

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He called him Hal.

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He called him what?

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WOMAN SCREAMS AND WHIMPERS

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Look, I'm not going to kill you.

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I want to, but he won't let me.

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He says it's protocol.

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Ah! It's not that I don't have a stomach for killing.

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Believe me, I've killed a truly astonishing number of people.

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Me and my friend have cut a swathe across Europe.

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We're like a plague.

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And then the bloody war came along and ballsed it all up.

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HE LAUGHS

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Ah, well. Please yourself.

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MATCH FLARES

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Sorry about the mess. We're home on leave.

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We couldn't be bothered to get the coach all the way to Richmond,

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and thought we liked the look of this place.

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My friend can get a bit carnal.

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Pretty girls bring out the beast in him, you see.

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Shall I tell you a secret?

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I think the others are scared of him.

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Ivan, Wyndham, Jacob. Even Hettie.

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Not Mr Snow, obviously.

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Sometimes, I think the only demon worse than him

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must be the one he's fleeing from. But I'm not scared of him.

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-Don't tell him I said that.

-Don't tell him you said what?

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Christ, not another one.

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FERGUS LAUGHS

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How may servants does this house have?

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Anything over 20 for a house this size is just showing off.

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I'll leave you to her.

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Pop down to the cellar.

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A little something for you - one of the daughters.

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-You shouldn't have.

-Leave.

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SHE SCREAMS

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# ELBOW: Grounds For Divorce

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Let's go shopping.

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Eat you right up.

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Hey, couldn't I?

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Aren't you just a darling, aren't you?

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Aren't you? I could just eat you up.

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So, is Mum at work?

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No, she's dead.

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Oh! I'm so sorry.

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That's really brave of you bringing her up on your own.

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Really brave. Being a single dad.

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No, I'm not her dad. He's dead and all.

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So, what happened? Was it a car crash? Did you adopt her?

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No, they were killed by some bad men and, well, my dad was, as well,

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so we're looking after her.

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That's good of you.

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Well, she ain't got no-one else, and we're worried the bad men

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might come and kill her, but we're doing all right, so...

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Well, that's something.

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Ooh, dear me!

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Well, nice chatting to you. See you later.

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Can't believe that I'm a thief now. Common criminal.

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I feel sick. Can I even be sick?

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It's not stealing if it's a big shop, McNair said.

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I used to blush when I took a free sample. What's happened to me?

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She needed food.

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Yes, I know she did. It's just... It feels so wrong.

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HARPSICHORD MUSIC

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MUSIC STOPS

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-You need to get a job.

-I'm sorry?

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Um, we need money for Eve, Hal. We can't go on like this.

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Swanning around on your backside all day.

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Think I'm relaxing?

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This is me holding on by my fingernails.

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And going to work? Out of the question.

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MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

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-OK. Erm...

-MUSIC STOPS

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Um, I do understand that this might be difficult for you, Hal,

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but you can't really expect to stay here for nothing.

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Why aren't you loaded, anyway?

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Vampires live for ever. Even with a basic bank account,

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your compound interest would be through the roof.

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McNair said.

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A series of unwise investments before the crash.

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-Look, on my list, it clearly states...

-Oh, stuff your list.

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If you want to carry on living here, you've got to pay your way.

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Annie?

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Please.

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Keeping away from people is part of how I manage my condition.

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Yes, Hal, but you have been dry for over 50 years.

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So, surely you can manage just a couple of weeks out there in the real world.

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If you do start eating people, we'll just have to try something else.

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Where? Hmm?

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Where will I work? Jobs don't just fall off trees, you know?

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Kill me.

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Seriously, kill me now. You can tell Annie I attacked you, or something.

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Maybe later, if you work really hard.

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Right. So, the fat collects here and drips into that there.

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I want you to scrape it up using this...

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..and put it in that bucket.

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Tom, are you sure you haven't killed me already? It feels a lot like hell.

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You've got two choices, mate -

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you can either scrape up the fat or mop up the bogs. It's up to you.

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-Fat it is.

-OK.

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-HE BREATHES HEAVILY

-Steeper than it looks.

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-What are you doing here?

-What are YOU doing here?

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I can't believe you're still in Barry. I can't believe you're still in Wales.

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-God, the risks I took for you people.

-Do they still want her?

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They don't want her because they think she's dead. I told them I killed her.

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Oh, thank you.

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But if they find out I didn't,

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say they spotted you shopping with her in bloody Aldi,

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then they'd come for her again, and I would get a wooden enema.

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Sorry about that. We'll try and keep more of a low profile, OK?

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This is not just about the fangs. I found something else in the prophecy.

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Something is coming for her.

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-That's very nice. Thank you. Goodbye.

-Listen, this is serious.

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No, this is prophecy, and I know a thing or two about prophecies.

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They're bullshit and mind games.

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Seems to me that they only get dangerous when you actually start believing in them.

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So, if you've come to tell me about real things in the real world,

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then, yes, go on, tell me.

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But if this is more Saviour nonsense, I think we're done here.

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-Thank you.

-I just need to...

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Look, if you are serious about the wellbeing of that child,

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you will listen to me!

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She is in danger.

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God, I don't know why I bother!

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Egg and chips? It'll be about five minutes.

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If you just take a seat. Cheers, boss. What's that?

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Toad in the hole? That's going to be a while yet

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cos I've still got a few more on. I'm really sorry. Obviously...

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It's a journal.

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Sorry?

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What you were going to ask. I'm just writing a journal.

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Yeah. Thoughts, feelings, lyrics.

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-Good.

-Yeah, but it's kind of private.

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It's a lot of my private thoughts and ideas.

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But I didn't actually ask...

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Oh, OK! Just one.

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Twisted my arm.

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Like, we have this idea

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that you could make a skull

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with the top sliced off that you could drink from.

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What do you think?

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It's pretty dark, isn't it?

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Wouldn't the drink leak out of the eye sockets where the, um,

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the optic nerve goes in?

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SHE SCOFFS

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It's not a real skull!

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Anyway, just the sort of thing I think about, you know, all the time.

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I bet you think I'm really weird.

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You still doing that? We've got orders in, Hal.

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Do you ever just picture the streets full of bones? Like after a war.

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And everybody's dead but you.

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And the big, bad pig blew and blew and blew,

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and the three wolves were very scared inside their little brick house.

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SHE GASPS

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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Well, well, well. Wasn't that idiot Regus supposed to have killed her?

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What happened? Did she overpower him?

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Can be little buggers, babies, can't they?

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Cry like crazy in the house, then you take two steps outside -

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boom, off like a light.

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Um, do you have any yourself?

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Yeah, two boys. Little smashers.

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They both died of old age a long time ago, but they had kids who had kids, and so on.

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Yeah, I check in occasionally.

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See how my genes are getting on.

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Might even take the odd one. You know, thin the herd.

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Oh!

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It's funny. All the others are terrified of this little lady -

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the War Child.

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They think if you threaten her, a safe will fall on your head, or something.

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But not me.

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I see her as opportunity.

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Just imagine how grateful the Old Ones are going to be

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when I give them her head as a welcoming present.

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It's your lucky day today.

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This is a bit too public, even for me.

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I'll be seeing you.

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Why can't you just leave her alone? She's just a normal baby!

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Do you really believe that, or is this just desperation?

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-Which one keeps her alive?

-Neither, I'm afraid.

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Bloke at table four gets free teas all day. He's a builder. He gave me this.

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-What is it?

-Muriatic acid.

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What?

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Yeah, it's for cleaning my swimming pool.

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That don't have to be perfect, Hal. We've got people waiting.

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I'm doing them a favour.

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I'm granting them five more minutes without food poisoning.

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Get out of the way, I'll do it. Move.

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Fine. Think I've gone as high as I possibly could

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in the thrilling world of lettuce chopping, anyway.

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What was that?

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-It's a stake, Hal.

-What the hell's it doing here?

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Must have had it with me in my trouser pocket when I was protecting Eve.

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-Then I came here. Forgot I even had it.

-Tom, you promised Annie...

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I know. I told you, I forgot I even had it.

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Anyway, it's good that I've got it anyway, just in case.

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In case of what?

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We're hardly likely to be overrun by vampires in a cafe.

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-Jesus, that's for me, isn't it?!

-No, of course not.

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Just in case I fell off the wagon, hm?

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Just in case I dealt with complaints the old-fashioned way?

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How was that going to work, Tom? Were you even going to warn me?

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Or was it just going to be a swift stake in the back

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-the next time I looked at someone funny?

-Tell me I'm wrong.

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Look me in the eye now and tell me there's not a chance at all that you'll crack.

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Nothing to worry about, and I swear to God, I'll bin the thing myself.

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It would be nice if I thought you really were worried about me falling off the wagon,

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but I think you're hoping I will

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because that'll give you the perfect excuse.

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-Now, you tell me

-I'm

-wrong.

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BELL RINGS

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What happened to your face?

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My lunch fought back.

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I'd rather not talk about it.

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But who takes a crowbar with them when they walk the dog? I mean, who does?

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That's just weird.

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No, no, first, I want to know why you're helping us.

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Why you're helping her.

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-I'm all heart.

-No, you're not.

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And the prophecy says that she will be the doom of the vampire race, or something,

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which I don't believe for a second, but I know that you do,

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so why would you want to save her?

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You love a doorstep row, don't you? You really want to go into this right now?

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Before I bring the baby into the weird vampire's house? Yes.

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Right.

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For 400 years,

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I've been collecting and cataloguing vampire history, myths and legends.

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400 years.

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In dark rooms, libraries and cellars. Poring over scrolls, manuscripts,

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books covered in mildew cos you can't Google this stuff, you know?

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I've got asthma. Actual asthma. Vampires don't get asthma.

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And no-one wanted to know about my work.

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They just laughed and ate another virgin, so that has to be worth something.

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If it's not true, if that baby doesn't mean the end of the vampires,

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then what have I been doing for all those years?

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It will have meant nothing! Do you understand?

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Yes.

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-He came to the house?

-No, no.

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We were in the park...

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The park?! After everything I told you?

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Well, she wouldn't stop crying, so I just thought a walk in the park would, you know, calm her down.

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Oh, yeah, a walk in the park with the most important baby on the planet.

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-You know I don't believe that.

-Then, why exactly are you here?

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Because I'm scared.

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The Old Ones? Is that who you were trying to warn me about?

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Oh, come on! You couldn't wait to tell me before.

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That was before. Before the door in the face,

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before you nearly got her killed. Now it's going to cost you.

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What?

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My price has just gone up from nothing to something.

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I think you need to be taught a lesson. I think you need to feed me.

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You do know I'm dead, huh? So, you can try biting me,

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but all you're going to get is an ice-cream headache.

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Who said anything about blood? I'm more interested in your other charms.

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No.

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I assume you know how to taste.

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That's what I want. Only in reverse.

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We are never touching.

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I will tell you everything you need to know to save the life of that baby

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and, believe me, you need to know.

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Put your hand on my head.

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Right, think about the first time you had sex.

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So, where are we, then?

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Well, um, we are in the spot where I first...

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You know.

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So, who's the lucky fella?

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Um, his name was Dave.

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Great! So, what time's kick-off?

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He'll be here in a minute.

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Oh, God. This is so weird! Weird and sick. I feel sick!

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So uncomfortable. Why are you making me do this?

0:18:360:18:39

You've seen my life.

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Food that fights back.

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Sharing a bathroom with 14 Polish builders.

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And someone like me would never stand a chance with someone like you otherwise.

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So, I'll take what I can get. Even if it is a second-hand shag.

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Oh!

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Hey! Pretend I'm not here. Don't mind me.

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Right. What's he doing?

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Oh, well, I... I get it.

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Well, these are my memories, so I guess the only way you can experience them is...

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Is as me.

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Ah! Get off.

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Don't worry. You know what? He was surprisingly gentle.

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Get off! Get off!

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Maybe I should leave you guys to it. Just...

0:19:310:19:34

-No, I don't like it!

-ZIPPER RASPS

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-Don't worry, he didn't last that long.

-Make it stop! Make it stop!

0:19:360:19:41

Oh, my God! That's disgusting.

0:19:410:19:43

HE GASPS

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Maybe we could leave the sex memories for a while.

0:19:500:19:54

Are you sure? Cos I have some great stuff for you.

0:19:540:19:57

No, no, it's fine. I'll tell you what you need to know.

0:19:570:19:59

Thank you.

0:19:590:20:00

I just need a minute.

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I feel a bit vulnerable.

0:20:040:20:06

Oh, sure. Sure. I understand. You just take your time.

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I know who you are.

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I don't know who you think I am...

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..but you've got the wrong man.

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Before I ripped his throat out, that bloke in the pawn shop said your name.

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I thought, "No, it can't be." But it is.

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It really is you.

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My Lord.

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You have the wrong man!

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Jesus, you weren't joking, were you?

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Don't panic.

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I'm still loyal.

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HE GULPS

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Then forget you saw me.

0:21:140:21:16

I couldn't believe it when I found you working here with a dog.

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I mean, you don't have to work anywhere.

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Look, there's a boat of Old Ones on the way, but until they get here,

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it's just me and this mouthy little dicksplash.

0:21:310:21:34

But an Old One like you? You could walk in and take over, like that.

0:21:340:21:38

I'm not interested.

0:21:400:21:41

Oh, come on. Come back, huh?

0:21:410:21:44

Like the old days? Me and you?

0:21:440:21:46

Girl on each arm, one tied up in the boot, huh?

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You remember, don't you?

0:21:500:21:52

I try to forget. That's not who I am any more.

0:21:520:21:55

What, and this is?

0:21:550:21:58

Working in a greasy spoon with a lyco?

0:21:580:22:00

He's been a busy boy, you know. He's got a target on his head.

0:22:020:22:05

Not when he's with me, he doesn't.

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Look, you're either an Old One or you're a nobody.

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And we're all over nobodies every day.

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See, this visit here today is only really a recce.

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Tomorrow, we're going to come back all tooled up about ten o'clock.

0:22:180:22:21

Teach your little doggie to play dead.

0:22:210:22:24

He's not my dog. He's not my anything.

0:22:240:22:27

Fine. You won't mind stepping aside, then.

0:22:270:22:32

Got you!

0:22:450:22:47

It's just a bit dead, so I thought I'd ambush you.

0:22:490:22:51

What have you been doing, anyway? Counting the rubbish?

0:22:510:22:55

Yes, I was counting the rubbish.

0:22:550:22:57

Oh, yeah. Someone's left something on one of the tables.

0:22:570:23:00

God, not more sick.

0:23:000:23:02

Do you want it, then?

0:23:020:23:04

Why would I want it? You have it.

0:23:050:23:07

I don't want it. It's demeaning to women.

0:23:070:23:09

We should throw it away.

0:23:110:23:13

-What must their mothers think?

-What?

0:23:270:23:30

Those ladies on the cover, showing everything to everyone.

0:23:300:23:33

No-one'll want to court them.

0:23:330:23:35

-Sorry, court them?

-You know what I mean.

0:23:360:23:39

Only because I was around during the Coronation.

0:23:390:23:42

No-one says "court" any more.

0:23:420:23:44

I know. They use "chatting up".

0:23:440:23:46

We don't say that because it's disrespectful to the lady,

0:23:460:23:49

even if they are in the nuddy. What do you call it?

0:23:490:23:52

I don't call it anything because I don't do it.

0:23:520:23:54

Is that because you can't do it?

0:23:540:23:56

Let's just say it's not good for my condition

0:23:570:24:00

-to play in that arena.

-Very convenient.

0:24:000:24:03

What?

0:24:030:24:04

"Oh, I can't chat them up cos I might kill them!"

0:24:040:24:07

You can't do it, can you?

0:24:070:24:08

-Have you ever even been with a woman?

-I'm waiting for the right woman.

0:24:080:24:13

Virginity is like a flower - you don't just pluck it for anyone.

0:24:130:24:17

Well said.

0:24:210:24:22

I still don't reckon you can chat up.

0:24:220:24:24

Are we still on with this? Look, I told you, I don't NEED to chat up.

0:24:240:24:28

I have charm and wit.

0:24:280:24:30

-Prove it.

-What?

0:24:300:24:33

Chat up the next woman what comes in here. Don't worry, I won't let you kill her.

0:24:330:24:37

I'm not the one with something to prove here.

0:24:370:24:39

I'll do it with you. First one to get her number wins.

0:24:390:24:42

Unless you can't do it.

0:24:420:24:45

First one to get her number, whoever she is?

0:24:450:24:48

You're on.

0:24:480:24:49

Fine.

0:24:490:24:50

-But we're not going to ring it?

-No.

-No.

0:24:550:24:58

We'll burn it, or something, as soon as we get it.

0:24:580:25:00

Obviously.

0:25:000:25:02

BELL JANGLES

0:25:170:25:19

SHE SIGHS

0:25:280:25:29

These runes describe the coming of a man - "the enemy of the Saviour".

0:25:340:25:39

The nearest translation to this rune is "nemesis", arch enemy.

0:25:390:25:43

Like Lex Luthor to Superman or Green Goblin to Spider-Man.

0:25:430:25:46

Yeah, yeah. No, I get that.

0:25:460:25:48

OK, this is a description of the man.

0:25:480:25:52

This rune means "fire", but this is past tense, and this means "arm".

0:25:520:25:57

And what does that mean?

0:25:580:25:59

"The nemesis has a burnt arm".

0:25:590:26:03

What, and that's it?

0:26:030:26:05

What do you want? An e-mail address?!

0:26:050:26:07

Look, if you see a scary man with a burnt arm, run away!

0:26:070:26:10

It's pretty specific. You need to get out of town.

0:26:100:26:13

Especially now they know that she's alive.

0:26:130:26:16

You've got to go and hide somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

0:26:160:26:19

-Go to Bangor.

-What if the nemesis is waiting in Bangor?

0:26:190:26:24

And besides, I've got my two boys guarding the door.

0:26:240:26:28

-Hmm.

-What?

0:26:280:26:31

Something leaked out.

0:26:330:26:34

You don't trust them. Not quite. Not yet.

0:26:360:26:39

Well, I trust them a lot more than I trust you.

0:26:390:26:43

Maybe, in most areas. But never with her.

0:26:430:26:47

So, are you having a nice evening?

0:27:020:27:04

JK Rowling used to write in a cafe, you know.

0:27:040:27:08

-Did he?

-I never used to understand why.

0:27:080:27:12

But I get it now. Finally.

0:27:120:27:15

You know, from here, you can see all the passing warp

0:27:150:27:20

and woof of humanity...

0:27:200:27:23

..in all its glory and its despair.

0:27:250:27:30

Maybe, one day, years from now, people will ask you

0:27:330:27:37

-which table I used to sit at.

-That's quite a thought.

0:27:370:27:41

Isn't it?

0:27:410:27:42

Yes, me still here in a year. Anyway...

0:27:420:27:46

That's a really nice look you've got going on there.

0:27:530:27:56

-Nice?

-Sorry.

0:27:580:28:01

This is one of those things when negative is positive, isn't it?

0:28:020:28:05

Hang on. I know this one.

0:28:050:28:07

It's really bad.

0:28:100:28:12

Get you, Vanilla Ice(!)

0:28:120:28:15

Look, whatever the word is to compliment it, pretend I just said it.

0:28:170:28:20

Don't you have, like, floors to mop, or something?

0:28:220:28:25

(Please.)

0:28:250:28:27

Yes! Anything else?

0:28:270:28:30

Er, I like your tights. You look like a bee, and I like bees.

0:28:460:28:50

-Are you coming on to me?

-I don't know. Is that like chatting up?

0:28:540:28:58

Urgh, no offence, but, like,

0:28:580:29:01

I'm into guys that are just a little bit more edgy.

0:29:010:29:06

You know, a little bit more darkness about them.

0:29:060:29:09

BOTH LAUGH

0:29:090:29:12

Are you laughing at me? You'd better not be laughing at me.

0:29:120:29:15

No, we weren't, honestly.

0:29:150:29:16

Sorry, it's just, um, a private joke, you see.

0:29:160:29:19

We're actually both quite dark in our own little ways.

0:29:190:29:22

Well, he's darker than me. I'm dark occasionally.

0:29:220:29:24

Are you simple, or something?

0:29:240:29:27

Here's an idea.

0:29:280:29:30

Order something or get out!

0:29:300:29:32

Fine. Then I guess I'm leaving.

0:29:320:29:36

I didn't like her. I don't think I even want her number.

0:29:410:29:44

FRONT DOOR BANGS

0:29:490:29:52

And how are my two bestest working boys, hmm?

0:29:550:29:58

How did it go?

0:29:580:30:00

-Went well, then?

-We did all right, I suppose.

0:30:030:30:06

I think that's the first honest day's work he's done in his life.

0:30:060:30:10

Oh, you are so wrong.

0:30:100:30:11

If, by honest day's work, you mean mindless drudgery, then let me tell you,

0:30:110:30:15

I've drudged with the best of them.

0:30:150:30:17

Live as long as I have, sometimes you just can't avoid it.

0:30:170:30:19

What crappy jobs have you done? I bet I've done crapper.

0:30:190:30:21

Pulling a cart through the streets collecting refuse in barrels.

0:30:210:30:24

Binman.

0:30:240:30:25

These were the days before flushing toilets.

0:30:250:30:29

It wasn't exactly rubbish we were collecting, if you get my drift.

0:30:290:30:32

Grave digger. Sometimes, you'd dig through an old grave, unmarked like,

0:30:320:30:36

right through a dead body, and it stunk.

0:30:360:30:38

Child's play. Try digging plague pits with the bodies piled three deep around you.

0:30:380:30:42

Um, I worked in a bar once.

0:30:420:30:45

Yeah, and this guy came in to chat me up and later,

0:30:450:30:48

he got drunk and crashed his car and died

0:30:480:30:51

and he tried to drag me through death's door into purgatory.

0:30:510:30:54

Dog food factory. Shifting huge lumps of frozen sheep's lung.

0:30:540:30:58

Melted blood all sploshing about on the floor and the gaffer, well, he was...

0:30:580:31:02

Annie! How was your day?

0:31:020:31:04

Oh, thank you. Thank you for asking, because it was a bit weird.

0:31:040:31:07

I got stalked by a vampire in the park and then I pushed my sex memories

0:31:070:31:11

into another vampire's sad little vampire brain.

0:31:110:31:15

Ooh, that is weird, Annie.

0:31:150:31:17

Yes, I know. Thank you for asking.

0:31:170:31:19

Is there something you'd like to tell us, Annie?

0:31:210:31:24

She's just a baby, Annie.

0:31:250:31:28

-This is all just a story.

-And what about the Old Ones?

0:31:280:31:31

Is that just a story, too, hmm? What happens when they get here?

0:31:310:31:34

Let them come. We can take them.

0:31:340:31:36

You were the one who said we should just run.

0:31:360:31:38

And you were the one saying there's no point.

0:31:380:31:40

Well, I think we should run and go and live in a barn.

0:31:400:31:43

-A barn?

-Or a caravan or a tent or something.

0:31:460:31:49

You said we were strong here.

0:31:490:31:51

-You said we could face them.

-Well, I've changed my mind.

0:31:510:31:53

I cannot sleep in a barn or a tent or a caravan or anywhere

0:31:530:32:00

without central heating, carpets and Radio 4.

0:32:000:32:02

That should be on my list.

0:32:020:32:04

Really, it should. You make me do that, I won't be responsible for my actions.

0:32:040:32:08

And what about the Old Ones?

0:32:080:32:09

If the Old Ones are coming, then it is better that I am here to greet them.

0:32:090:32:12

Greet them?

0:32:120:32:13

I mean face them. Confront them.

0:32:150:32:17

I ain't running. I'm going to fight 'em.

0:32:170:32:20

Look, I just... I just think we have enemies coming at us from every angle.

0:32:210:32:26

First, the Old Ones and now, this nemesis.

0:32:260:32:28

Jesus, Annie!

0:32:280:32:29

We've both had a really hard day at work.

0:32:330:32:36

-Oh, and I haven't?

-That's not what I meant.

0:32:360:32:39

Look, I'm not sure what you were used to

0:32:410:32:45

when George and, er, Tina were around, but...

0:32:450:32:50

Their names were Nina, George and Mitchell,

0:32:500:32:55

and this was their home

0:32:550:32:57

and they were my friends

0:32:570:33:00

and they would have listened to me.

0:33:000:33:03

-Thanks, mate.

-Thanks very much.

0:33:070:33:10

BELL RINGS

0:33:110:33:13

Can I have a...

0:33:230:33:25

..cheeseburger, please?

0:33:270:33:30

1.50.

0:33:370:33:38

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

0:33:420:33:44

"The cloak of the reaper blocks the sun over me

0:33:440:33:48

("Over me)

0:33:480:33:50

"But the beak of the crow pecks at the flesh of my enemy

0:33:500:33:53

("Enemy)

0:33:530:33:54

"I may be gone, but I'm still here

0:33:540:33:59

"Remember me, remember me."

0:33:590:34:01

I think you've forgotten to pay.

0:34:070:34:09

Er, I think I just did.

0:34:090:34:12

That's one of my poems, so...

0:34:120:34:15

-Now you've got to pay with money.

-Oh, God.

0:34:150:34:18

I don't think you quite understand.

0:34:190:34:23

One day, you're going to be able to buy this place with that piece of paper, OK?

0:34:230:34:29

That's an original Michaela Thompson.

0:34:290:34:33

We'd rather have the money.

0:34:330:34:35

Look, I don't carry the currency of this so-called society.

0:34:360:34:42

I pay with my art.

0:34:420:34:43

Not here, you don't.

0:34:430:34:44

You either pay or you give it back, so I'll have that back, thank you.

0:34:440:34:48

Look, I just told you, I don't have any money.

0:34:490:34:53

So, you know, what are you going to do about it?

0:34:530:34:55

Lock you in and call the police. Try me.

0:34:550:34:59

Right, you can stop that now.

0:35:090:35:11

What? This is what you wanted, isn't it? I'm paying, aren't I?

0:35:110:35:16

I used to ride a horse once.

0:35:220:35:24

-What? What's that got to do with it?

-I had a sword, I was respected.

0:35:240:35:28

Better than that, I was feared.

0:35:280:35:29

Peasants had their backs flayed for looking at me funny.

0:35:290:35:32

-Are you all right, Hal?

-It was brutal, but it worked.

0:35:320:35:34

We had order, we had respect and now, we have this.

0:35:340:35:37

OK, then, mate. Let's go in the back and have a bit of a chat, shall we? Come on.

0:35:370:35:41

-And I had a shield. A red one.

-Is he all right?

0:35:410:35:45

You are not a very nice young lady, are you?

0:35:450:35:47

You did well back there, mate.

0:35:560:35:57

HE SCOFFS Really?

0:35:570:35:59

Because I didn't just leap across the counter and rip her throat out,

0:35:590:36:02

because, instead, I just babbled like a lunatic.

0:36:020:36:05

Yeah, but babbling's better than leaping.

0:36:050:36:07

God, look at me.

0:36:070:36:09

Hiding from a little girl in a burger bar.

0:36:090:36:12

You're not hiding, you're keeping her alive.

0:36:120:36:14

It was always much harder for me...

0:36:140:36:16

..with women.

0:36:180:36:19

So many times...

0:36:200:36:21

..I couldn't stop myself.

0:36:230:36:26

-I leapt rather than babbled.

-Yeah, but not now, though, eh?

0:36:260:36:28

No. No, not now.

0:36:300:36:33

I don't think we need this any more.

0:36:430:36:45

I've got your back, mate.

0:36:460:36:49

Do you know what? We should close up early tonight.

0:36:530:36:56

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:36:560:36:58

Yeah, no, we should go.

0:36:580:37:01

Have a pint or something.

0:37:030:37:06

OK.

0:37:060:37:07

Come in.

0:37:180:37:19

I've got to say, I was surprised to get your message.

0:37:220:37:25

You sure about this?

0:37:270:37:29

No, but we're going to do it anyway. I just keep thinking,

0:37:290:37:32

"What would George and Nina do if they thought trouble was on its way?"

0:37:320:37:35

So, we leave tonight.

0:37:350:37:36

HE CLAPS

0:37:520:37:54

Closing early. Sorry.

0:37:550:37:57

We found a...

0:37:590:38:00

We found a dead dog in the oven. Health and safety.

0:38:020:38:07

Vampires. Kill the lights.

0:38:330:38:36

-How many?

-I counted four.

0:38:470:38:49

Probably after me.

0:38:490:38:51

I had been a bit busy, you know, before, like.

0:38:510:38:54

Yeah, probably.

0:38:540:38:55

You had more stakes?

0:38:570:38:58

-Bet you're glad now, though, aren't you?

-That's not the point!

0:38:580:39:01

Oh, Lord Hal! Are you in there, Lord Hal?

0:39:150:39:19

-Do you know him?

-It's complicated.

0:39:190:39:22

Is the doggie ready for his walkies?

0:39:220:39:25

Have you planned this? Were you just going to hand me over?

0:39:250:39:28

Not exactly hand you over.

0:39:280:39:30

More just step aside, but I changed my mind.

0:39:300:39:32

How do I know that?!

0:39:320:39:34

I don't know, maybe because we are whispering in the dark behind a counter!

0:39:340:39:38

Besides, don't take the moral high ground - you kept a pile of stakes.

0:39:380:39:41

I can't believe you were going to hand me over to them.

0:39:410:39:43

-I told you, I changed my mind.

-Well, what if you changed it back?

0:39:430:39:46

No, you're right. If only you had some way to defend yourself.

0:39:460:39:49

Oh, wait. Hang on a minute. You kept a pile of stakes!

0:39:490:39:50

DOOR OPENS

0:39:520:39:54

Ow! Hello? Anyone?

0:39:540:39:56

Listen! Listen to me very carefully.

0:40:000:40:02

Outside, there are some...

0:40:020:40:04

..some very bad men who want to hurt us, so you have to keep quiet.

0:40:060:40:09

Do you understand?

0:40:090:40:11

-MUFFLED:

-Mm.

0:40:110:40:12

Go, go, go, go, go!

0:40:130:40:15

Right, you two.

0:40:340:40:35

They are good people.

0:40:490:40:51

But, you know, it's like they're just lodging here.

0:40:510:40:54

You know, this isn't their home and we're not a family.

0:40:540:40:58

Not like it was before.

0:40:580:40:59

So, you run away with the creepy vampire you've just met?

0:40:590:41:03

No, but I promised George that I would do whatever it takes to keep her safe.

0:41:050:41:10

And I guess this is what it takes.

0:41:110:41:14

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

0:41:200:41:22

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Who are they?

0:41:220:41:24

-Why are they chasing us?

-I cannot believe we have to save her.

0:41:240:41:28

I cannot believe we've got to save you.

0:41:280:41:30

Tom, I'm sorry. And I did change my mind.

0:41:300:41:32

Trying to close up early - I was trying to get you out of there.

0:41:320:41:34

I can't believe I binned my big stake for you.

0:41:340:41:36

A stake! You binned A stake, Tom.

0:41:360:41:39

-Give me my phone back.

-We've got to keep moving.

0:41:390:41:41

No! I am not going another step until you tell me why they're trying to kill us.

0:41:410:41:48

Because they're vampires.

0:41:480:41:50

Oh, yeah.

0:41:500:41:52

Ha-ha, hilarious(!) Mock the Gothic weirdo girl.

0:41:520:41:55

Give me my phone back. I'm calling the police.

0:41:570:41:59

Hal, do the eyes and the teeth or whatever you do.

0:41:590:42:01

-That thing.

-What? I am not a performing monkey.

0:42:010:42:03

Hal, stop being such a wally.

0:42:030:42:05

HISSING

0:42:100:42:11

I am a vampire, he is a werewolf. Any questions?

0:42:140:42:18

Er... Are you seeing anyone at the moment?

0:42:180:42:21

Can I have your number?

0:42:210:42:23

-What? We never said that was over.

-Oh, for God's sake.

0:42:230:42:26

Go and check the street. Go!

0:42:260:42:29

Ooh!

0:42:360:42:37

Are you feeling weak?

0:42:390:42:42

(Do you need to feed?)

0:42:440:42:46

Because I wouldn't mind if you need a bit to keep you going, actually.

0:42:460:42:51

-What?

-Would it leave a scar?

0:42:510:42:53

Or could you do it somewhere else on my body?

0:42:530:42:58

You don't know...

0:42:580:43:00

-..what you're asking.

-Hal?

0:43:020:43:05

Hal?! I said I've got your back, mate, but don't push it.

0:43:050:43:08

-BABY GURGLES

-Holiday's over, I guess.

0:43:220:43:26

Yeah, well, just think of it as a new type of holiday.

0:43:270:43:31

With lots of running, terror and sleeping in ditches.

0:43:310:43:35

-Oh, my God! You!

-Regus?

-What's he doing here?

0:43:380:43:41

Nothing that requires woody, pointy things, Tom.

0:43:410:43:46

What's happened?

0:43:480:43:49

-Vampires.

-Yeah, they attacked the cafe.

0:43:490:43:51

Completely unexpected. Not planned at all, was it?

0:43:510:43:54

Oh, give it a rest! Annie, first-aid kit - where is it?

0:43:540:43:58

It's in the kitchen. I'll go and get it.

0:43:580:44:00

Um, who's she?

0:44:000:44:01

A bloody nightmare that we had to rescue.

0:44:010:44:04

Who are you talking to?

0:44:060:44:07

Annie's a ghost. You can't see her, but we can.

0:44:100:44:13

Because you're a werewolf. Have I got that right?

0:44:130:44:16

Yeah.

0:44:160:44:18

-You're one of the good guys now?

-It would appear so.

0:44:180:44:21

Yeah, I think I am, too.

0:44:210:44:23

It's fun, isn't it?

0:44:230:44:25

Yes. Sometimes, it leaves me positively giddy.

0:44:250:44:28

This is so deep.

0:44:300:44:32

Annie, why are there piles of Eve's clothes in a suitcase?

0:44:320:44:36

Um, can we talk about this later?

0:44:360:44:39

I think they need to know.

0:44:390:44:42

Um, well... Well, we were thinking that we would take baby Eve

0:44:440:44:50

somewhere a little, um, safer.

0:44:500:44:53

"We"? Who's "we"?

0:44:530:44:56

You and this bloke here?

0:44:560:44:57

Um...

0:44:570:44:58

House meeting. Yes, I would like a house meeting, please. A house meeting.

0:45:000:45:04

Can you just...?

0:45:040:45:06

Are you going for ever? Have we done something to upset you?

0:45:150:45:19

So, are you a vampire, as well?

0:45:200:45:23

-Cos you're not showing up on my camera.

-Take a wild guess.

0:45:230:45:27

I assume you're taking the piss.

0:45:310:45:33

-Well, they started it.

-SHE LAUGHS

0:45:350:45:38

You're a funny vampire.

0:45:380:45:40

So, um, what's your story, then? How did you end up in all this?

0:45:440:45:49

I was texting in the bogs when they attacked the cafe.

0:45:490:45:52

-Ah, wrong place, wrong time?

-No!

0:45:520:45:55

I think it was meant to happen.

0:45:560:45:58

Don't you believe in fate? Destiny?

0:45:580:46:02

-More than anything.

-Then you'll know there are no accidents.

0:46:020:46:07

I've spent years dreaming about a world like this and now I'm here,

0:46:090:46:14

talking to people with no reflections who will live for ever.

0:46:140:46:17

But we can protect her. All of us can.

0:46:170:46:19

No, not all the time. What about when you're both working?

0:46:190:46:22

-BOTH: Where are you going? To change.

-But this is important.

0:46:220:46:26

I have to change my clothes.

0:46:260:46:28

It feels like I'm circling the drain of a world

0:46:310:46:34

I've spent the past 55 years trying to avoid.

0:46:340:46:37

The more I engage with this,

0:46:370:46:40

the greater the danger of being sucked in.

0:46:400:46:42

Look, I need some space, OK?

0:46:420:46:45

To think.

0:46:450:46:47

To breathe!

0:46:470:46:49

Sorry. I'm really very sorry.

0:46:510:46:55

BANGING

0:47:060:47:08

GIRL MOANS

0:47:080:47:09

Annie?

0:47:110:47:12

Tom?

0:47:160:47:17

HE GROANS

0:47:360:47:39

Good evening, my Lord. Apologies for the intrusion.

0:47:420:47:45

Fergus, I don't remember asking you in.

0:47:450:47:49

He was invited in a week ago, when he took Eve.

0:47:490:47:53

It's amazing how these things stick.

0:47:540:47:57

And then I just invited some of my friends.

0:47:570:48:00

-You don't mind, do you?

-Not at all.

0:48:000:48:03

But is there really any need for the knife?

0:48:040:48:07

It's a little crude.

0:48:070:48:08

Is that an order, my Lord? The offer's still on the table.

0:48:080:48:13

There's a throne with your name on it, if you want.

0:48:130:48:16

-What's he talking about, Hal?

-Oh, he didn't mention it, did he?

0:48:160:48:19

Our Lord Harry is an Old One.

0:48:190:48:22

At least, he was.

0:48:220:48:24

Pretty high up.

0:48:250:48:27

You can be again, Hal. All you've got to do is let us kill the dog.

0:48:280:48:32

And you can come back in. All is forgiven.

0:48:340:48:37

And the rest live?

0:48:390:48:40

I'll be honest with you - probably not.

0:48:410:48:45

The fact that that baby's still alive is my secret weapon.

0:48:450:48:48

My ace in the hole.

0:48:480:48:50

Won't impress the Old Ones if it's still breathing.

0:48:500:48:54

-Tom.

-You'll have to get through me first.

0:48:540:48:56

Me, too.

0:48:560:48:58

I think we just did come through you, didn't we?

0:48:580:49:00

I'm sure you will again.

0:49:000:49:02

It's the thought that counts.

0:49:030:49:05

OK.

0:49:080:49:10

OK, what?

0:49:100:49:12

I'm back in.

0:49:120:49:13

I'll come lead your merry band.

0:49:150:49:18

For richer or poorer. Mostly richer.

0:49:180:49:21

What, just like that?

0:49:210:49:23

You know me, Fergus. You've known me for years.

0:49:230:49:29

Did you really think I was going to ally myself with these freaks and traitors

0:49:310:49:36

when there's an offer like that on the table?

0:49:360:49:38

It'll be just like coming home.

0:49:380:49:41

OK? Now, go get the dog.

0:49:440:49:48

I'll deal with the girl.

0:49:490:49:51

No, Hal.

0:49:510:49:53

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

0:50:480:50:50

He got her. I didn't even see.

0:50:500:50:52

He must have nicked the jugular. Oh, shit!

0:50:520:50:56

Michaela? Michaela, talk to me.

0:50:570:51:00

Who was she?

0:51:150:51:16

Just a silly little girl who walked into the wrong cafe.

0:51:170:51:20

Who thought that there was more to this world than she could see.

0:51:200:51:23

Who thought vampires were cool.

0:51:230:51:25

And werewolves. She thought werewolves were cool and all.

0:51:250:51:28

And werewolves.

0:51:280:51:30

Um, are you finished?

0:51:320:51:35

I think I missed a few bits of them under the sofa.

0:51:350:51:38

Oh, don't worry. I'll get them later. Thank you very much.

0:51:380:51:41

I still think you should come with me. It's not safe out there.

0:51:410:51:45

Yeah, I know. It's just that I feel strong here. Stronger than I've ever felt.

0:51:450:51:50

Right now, I feel like I could take on a whole army.

0:51:500:51:52

You know, with Tom and Lord Harry by my side.

0:51:520:51:55

Lord Harry!

0:51:550:51:57

Don't.

0:51:570:51:59

-Seriously, don't.

-Lord Harry!

0:51:590:52:02

Trust us to look after the baby now, do you?

0:52:050:52:08

Maybe that's the way it should have been from the start.

0:52:090:52:12

The War Child protected by you and the lodgers.

0:52:120:52:15

Ah, no. They're not lodgers. They are my friends.

0:52:150:52:19

Hmm. Yeah, well, most of my friends are arseholes.

0:52:190:52:23

There's a couple of them in the Hoover.

0:52:230:52:26

Well, maybe you should get yourself some new friends.

0:52:260:52:29

SHE INHALES

0:52:290:52:31

ELECTRICITY SPARKS

0:52:340:52:37

That's the plan.

0:52:490:52:50

For what it's worth, I'm really sorry for the way things went.

0:52:540:52:58

What are you talking about? I've got everything I've ever wanted.

0:52:580:53:01

I mean, I'm going to live for ever.

0:53:010:53:04

Reborn into this dark infinity with crimson fuel and eyes of ebony.

0:53:040:53:11

Good at poetry. Really good. It nearly rhymes and everything.

0:53:110:53:15

I think people might listen to them now, somehow.

0:53:150:53:18

I just... I really like the idea of my work being the final thing they hear.

0:53:180:53:23

It could be so beautiful.

0:53:230:53:24

When you stop thinking that, and you will, remember I'm sorry.

0:53:240:53:29

You're not very good at being a vampire, are you?

0:53:290:53:32

-I try not to be.

-Ignore him. He's never happy unless he's miserable.

0:53:320:53:36

And what will you do now?

0:53:360:53:37

Keep moving. See the world. Try not to end up in a Hoover bag.

0:53:370:53:41

Thank you.

0:53:430:53:44

It's for him. Just in case.

0:53:440:53:47

But he is my maker, my creator, the granter of this dark gift.

0:53:470:53:53

We're going to make poetry of our own.

0:53:530:53:55

Skin will be our parchment, blood will be our ink.

0:53:560:54:01

Yeah. And then we're going to have sex.

0:54:010:54:04

Did you ever meet Ivan and Daisy?

0:54:160:54:18

Hmm, now, there's a lovely thought.

0:54:180:54:21

-What we watching?

-I don't know.

0:54:250:54:28

Something about con men.

0:54:280:54:31

Anything else on?

0:54:330:54:35

TV: ...And had a look at it.

0:54:400:54:42

The plumber said, "Oh, it'll probably turn out to be a Lalique". I turned it over

0:54:420:54:47

and that's exactly what it was, stamped on the bottom.

0:54:470:54:49

What do you reckon? A couple of grand?

0:54:490:54:53

No, I'm going to go with a grand.

0:54:530:54:55

What do you think, Annie?

0:54:560:54:58

Um...

0:55:000:55:01

I don't know. Let me have a look.

0:55:030:55:05

Um, yeah, a couple of grand, probably.

0:55:070:55:11

TV: Together, combined with this wonderful blue opalescence is just...

0:55:150:55:20

It just screams Lalique and is a really, really pretty thing.

0:55:200:55:23

He had a brilliant understanding of glass moulding.

0:55:230:55:27

This is a moulded piece of glass, this is all moulded

0:55:270:55:30

and then stained in to enhance the depth of the design.

0:55:300:55:34

DOOR OPENS

0:55:350:55:36

HE INHALES

0:55:580:56:01

It's good to be back.

0:56:010:56:03

-Nina sent me.

-Nina?

-Said you were doing great, Annie,

0:56:060:56:09

but thought you could do with an extra pair of hands.

0:56:090:56:11

She has a temperature.

0:56:110:56:12

They couldn't find any record of the baby on our entire system.

0:56:120:56:14

There are things I need to check.

0:56:140:56:17

The paper says the Box Tunnel murderer's stomach contained human flesh.

0:56:170:56:19

Dr Wilson, why did you lie?

0:56:190:56:21

-What did Hal say?

-Oh, he didn't mean it.

0:56:210:56:23

You're a nice guy, but I need to know.

0:56:230:56:25

He doesn't want you growing up.

0:56:250:56:27

-What do you want?

-I just want us to be a happy family.

0:56:290:56:33

Annie deserves that, doesn't she?

0:56:330:56:35

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