The Graveyard Shift Being Human

This programme contains some strong language and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

-She's going to save the world.

-Remove your weapon.

-Who sent you here?

-Move in here!

Are you somehow drunk?

Griffin's dead.

We seriously need to sort our shit out before the Old Ones arrive.

What we need now is fists and fangs.

The other guy?

He called him Hal.

He called him what?

WOMAN SCREAMS AND WHIMPERS

Look, I'm not going to kill you.

I want to, but he won't let me.

He says it's protocol.

Ah! It's not that I don't have a stomach for killing.

Believe me, I've killed a truly astonishing number of people.

Me and my friend have cut a swathe across Europe.

We're like a plague.

And then the bloody war came along and ballsed it all up.

HE LAUGHS

Ah, well. Please yourself.

MATCH FLARES

Sorry about the mess. We're home on leave.

We couldn't be bothered to get the coach all the way to Richmond,

and thought we liked the look of this place.

My friend can get a bit carnal.

Pretty girls bring out the beast in him, you see.

Shall I tell you a secret?

I think the others are scared of him.

Ivan, Wyndham, Jacob. Even Hettie.

Not Mr Snow, obviously.

Sometimes, I think the only demon worse than him

must be the one he's fleeing from. But I'm not scared of him.

-Don't tell him I said that.

-Don't tell him you said what?

Christ, not another one.

FERGUS LAUGHS

How may servants does this house have?

Anything over 20 for a house this size is just showing off.

I'll leave you to her.

Pop down to the cellar.

A little something for you - one of the daughters.

-You shouldn't have.

-Leave.

SHE SCREAMS

# ELBOW: Grounds For Divorce

Let's go shopping.

Eat you right up.

Hey, couldn't I?

Aren't you just a darling, aren't you?

Aren't you? I could just eat you up.

So, is Mum at work?

No, she's dead.

Oh! I'm so sorry.

That's really brave of you bringing her up on your own.

Really brave. Being a single dad.

No, I'm not her dad. He's dead and all.

So, what happened? Was it a car crash? Did you adopt her?

No, they were killed by some bad men and, well, my dad was, as well,

so we're looking after her.

That's good of you.

Well, she ain't got no-one else, and we're worried the bad men

might come and kill her, but we're doing all right, so...

Well, that's something.

Ooh, dear me!

Well, nice chatting to you. See you later.

Can't believe that I'm a thief now. Common criminal.

I feel sick. Can I even be sick?

It's not stealing if it's a big shop, McNair said.

I used to blush when I took a free sample. What's happened to me?

She needed food.

Yes, I know she did. It's just... It feels so wrong.

HARPSICHORD MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

-You need to get a job.

-I'm sorry?

Um, we need money for Eve, Hal. We can't go on like this.

Swanning around on your backside all day.

Think I'm relaxing?

This is me holding on by my fingernails.

And going to work? Out of the question.

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

-OK. Erm...

-MUSIC STOPS

Um, I do understand that this might be difficult for you, Hal,

but you can't really expect to stay here for nothing.

Why aren't you loaded, anyway?

Vampires live for ever. Even with a basic bank account,

your compound interest would be through the roof.

McNair said.

A series of unwise investments before the crash.

-Look, on my list, it clearly states...

-Oh, stuff your list.

If you want to carry on living here, you've got to pay your way.

Annie?

Please.

Keeping away from people is part of how I manage my condition.

Yes, Hal, but you have been dry for over 50 years.

So, surely you can manage just a couple of weeks out there in the real world.

If you do start eating people, we'll just have to try something else.

Where? Hmm?

Where will I work? Jobs don't just fall off trees, you know?

Kill me.

Seriously, kill me now. You can tell Annie I attacked you, or something.

Maybe later, if you work really hard.

Right. So, the fat collects here and drips into that there.

I want you to scrape it up using this...

..and put it in that bucket.

Tom, are you sure you haven't killed me already? It feels a lot like hell.

You've got two choices, mate -

you can either scrape up the fat or mop up the bogs. It's up to you.

-Fat it is.

-OK.

-HE BREATHES HEAVILY

-Steeper than it looks.

-What are you doing here?

-What are YOU doing here?

I can't believe you're still in Barry. I can't believe you're still in Wales.

-God, the risks I took for you people.

-Do they still want her?

They don't want her because they think she's dead. I told them I killed her.

Oh, thank you.

But if they find out I didn't,

say they spotted you shopping with her in bloody Aldi,

then they'd come for her again, and I would get a wooden enema.

Sorry about that. We'll try and keep more of a low profile, OK?

This is not just about the fangs. I found something else in the prophecy.

Something is coming for her.

-That's very nice. Thank you. Goodbye.

-Listen, this is serious.

No, this is prophecy, and I know a thing or two about prophecies.

They're bullshit and mind games.

Seems to me that they only get dangerous when you actually start believing in them.

So, if you've come to tell me about real things in the real world,

then, yes, go on, tell me.

But if this is more Saviour nonsense, I think we're done here.

-Thank you.

-I just need to...

Look, if you are serious about the wellbeing of that child,

you will listen to me!

She is in danger.

God, I don't know why I bother!

Egg and chips? It'll be about five minutes.

If you just take a seat. Cheers, boss. What's that?

Toad in the hole? That's going to be a while yet

cos I've still got a few more on. I'm really sorry. Obviously...

It's a journal.

Sorry?

What you were going to ask. I'm just writing a journal.

Yeah. Thoughts, feelings, lyrics.

-Good.

-Yeah, but it's kind of private.

It's a lot of my private thoughts and ideas.

But I didn't actually ask...

Oh, OK! Just one.

Twisted my arm.

Like, we have this idea

that you could make a skull

with the top sliced off that you could drink from.

What do you think?

It's pretty dark, isn't it?

Wouldn't the drink leak out of the eye sockets where the, um,

the optic nerve goes in?

SHE SCOFFS

It's not a real skull!

Anyway, just the sort of thing I think about, you know, all the time.

I bet you think I'm really weird.

You still doing that? We've got orders in, Hal.

Do you ever just picture the streets full of bones? Like after a war.

And everybody's dead but you.

And the big, bad pig blew and blew and blew,

and the three wolves were very scared inside their little brick house.

SHE GASPS

THUNDER RUMBLES

Well, well, well. Wasn't that idiot Regus supposed to have killed her?

What happened? Did she overpower him?

Can be little buggers, babies, can't they?

Cry like crazy in the house, then you take two steps outside -

boom, off like a light.

Um, do you have any yourself?

Yeah, two boys. Little smashers.

They both died of old age a long time ago, but they had kids who had kids, and so on.

Yeah, I check in occasionally.

See how my genes are getting on.

Might even take the odd one. You know, thin the herd.

Oh!

It's funny. All the others are terrified of this little lady -

the War Child.

They think if you threaten her, a safe will fall on your head, or something.

But not me.

I see her as opportunity.

Just imagine how grateful the Old Ones are going to be

when I give them her head as a welcoming present.

It's your lucky day today.

This is a bit too public, even for me.

I'll be seeing you.

Why can't you just leave her alone? She's just a normal baby!

Do you really believe that, or is this just desperation?

-Which one keeps her alive?

-Neither, I'm afraid.

Bloke at table four gets free teas all day. He's a builder. He gave me this.

-What is it?

-Muriatic acid.

What?

Yeah, it's for cleaning my swimming pool.

That don't have to be perfect, Hal. We've got people waiting.

I'm doing them a favour.

I'm granting them five more minutes without food poisoning.

Get out of the way, I'll do it. Move.

Fine. Think I've gone as high as I possibly could

in the thrilling world of lettuce chopping, anyway.

What was that?

-It's a stake, Hal.

-What the hell's it doing here?

Must have had it with me in my trouser pocket when I was protecting Eve.

-Then I came here. Forgot I even had it.

-Tom, you promised Annie...

I know. I told you, I forgot I even had it.

Anyway, it's good that I've got it anyway, just in case.

In case of what?

We're hardly likely to be overrun by vampires in a cafe.

-Jesus, that's for me, isn't it?!

-No, of course not.

Just in case I fell off the wagon, hm?

Just in case I dealt with complaints the old-fashioned way?

How was that going to work, Tom? Were you even going to warn me?

Or was it just going to be a swift stake in the back

-the next time I looked at someone funny?

-Tell me I'm wrong.

Look me in the eye now and tell me there's not a chance at all that you'll crack.

Nothing to worry about, and I swear to God, I'll bin the thing myself.

It would be nice if I thought you really were worried about me falling off the wagon,

but I think you're hoping I will

because that'll give you the perfect excuse.

-Now, you tell me

-I'm

-wrong.

BELL RINGS

What happened to your face?

My lunch fought back.

I'd rather not talk about it.

But who takes a crowbar with them when they walk the dog? I mean, who does?

That's just weird.

No, no, first, I want to know why you're helping us.

Why you're helping her.

-I'm all heart.

-No, you're not.

And the prophecy says that she will be the doom of the vampire race, or something,

which I don't believe for a second, but I know that you do,

so why would you want to save her?

You love a doorstep row, don't you? You really want to go into this right now?

Before I bring the baby into the weird vampire's house? Yes.

Right.

For 400 years,

I've been collecting and cataloguing vampire history, myths and legends.

400 years.

In dark rooms, libraries and cellars. Poring over scrolls, manuscripts,

books covered in mildew cos you can't Google this stuff, you know?

I've got asthma. Actual asthma. Vampires don't get asthma.

And no-one wanted to know about my work.

They just laughed and ate another virgin, so that has to be worth something.

If it's not true, if that baby doesn't mean the end of the vampires,

then what have I been doing for all those years?

It will have meant nothing! Do you understand?

Yes.

-He came to the house?

-No, no.

We were in the park...

The park?! After everything I told you?

Well, she wouldn't stop crying, so I just thought a walk in the park would, you know, calm her down.

Oh, yeah, a walk in the park with the most important baby on the planet.

-You know I don't believe that.

-Then, why exactly are you here?

Because I'm scared.

The Old Ones? Is that who you were trying to warn me about?

Oh, come on! You couldn't wait to tell me before.

That was before. Before the door in the face,

before you nearly got her killed. Now it's going to cost you.

What?

My price has just gone up from nothing to something.

I think you need to be taught a lesson. I think you need to feed me.

You do know I'm dead, huh? So, you can try biting me,

but all you're going to get is an ice-cream headache.

Who said anything about blood? I'm more interested in your other charms.

No.

I assume you know how to taste.

That's what I want. Only in reverse.

We are never touching.

I will tell you everything you need to know to save the life of that baby

and, believe me, you need to know.

Put your hand on my head.

Right, think about the first time you had sex.

So, where are we, then?

Well, um, we are in the spot where I first...

You know.

So, who's the lucky fella?

Um, his name was Dave.

Great! So, what time's kick-off?

He'll be here in a minute.

Oh, God. This is so weird! Weird and sick. I feel sick!

So uncomfortable. Why are you making me do this?

You've seen my life.

Food that fights back.

Sharing a bathroom with 14 Polish builders.

And someone like me would never stand a chance with someone like you otherwise.

So, I'll take what I can get. Even if it is a second-hand shag.

Oh!

Hey! Pretend I'm not here. Don't mind me.

Right. What's he doing?

Oh, well, I... I get it.

Well, these are my memories, so I guess the only way you can experience them is...

Is as me.

Ah! Get off.

Don't worry. You know what? He was surprisingly gentle.

Get off! Get off!

Maybe I should leave you guys to it. Just...

-No, I don't like it!

-ZIPPER RASPS

-Don't worry, he didn't last that long.

-Make it stop! Make it stop!

Oh, my God! That's disgusting.

HE GASPS

Maybe we could leave the sex memories for a while.

Are you sure? Cos I have some great stuff for you.

No, no, it's fine. I'll tell you what you need to know.

Thank you.

I just need a minute.

I feel a bit vulnerable.

Oh, sure. Sure. I understand. You just take your time.

I know who you are.

I don't know who you think I am...

..but you've got the wrong man.

Before I ripped his throat out, that bloke in the pawn shop said your name.

I thought, "No, it can't be." But it is.

It really is you.

My Lord.

You have the wrong man!

Jesus, you weren't joking, were you?

Don't panic.

I'm still loyal.

HE GULPS

Then forget you saw me.

I couldn't believe it when I found you working here with a dog.

I mean, you don't have to work anywhere.

Look, there's a boat of Old Ones on the way, but until they get here,

it's just me and this mouthy little dicksplash.

But an Old One like you? You could walk in and take over, like that.

I'm not interested.

Oh, come on. Come back, huh?

Like the old days? Me and you?

Girl on each arm, one tied up in the boot, huh?

You remember, don't you?

I try to forget. That's not who I am any more.

What, and this is?

Working in a greasy spoon with a lyco?

He's been a busy boy, you know. He's got a target on his head.

Not when he's with me, he doesn't.

Look, you're either an Old One or you're a nobody.

And we're all over nobodies every day.

See, this visit here today is only really a recce.

Tomorrow, we're going to come back all tooled up about ten o'clock.

Teach your little doggie to play dead.

He's not my dog. He's not my anything.

Fine. You won't mind stepping aside, then.

Got you!

It's just a bit dead, so I thought I'd ambush you.

What have you been doing, anyway? Counting the rubbish?

Yes, I was counting the rubbish.

Oh, yeah. Someone's left something on one of the tables.

God, not more sick.

Do you want it, then?

Why would I want it? You have it.

I don't want it. It's demeaning to women.

We should throw it away.

-What must their mothers think?

-What?

Those ladies on the cover, showing everything to everyone.

No-one'll want to court them.

-Sorry, court them?

-You know what I mean.

Only because I was around during the Coronation.

No-one says "court" any more.

I know. They use "chatting up".

We don't say that because it's disrespectful to the lady,

even if they are in the nuddy. What do you call it?

I don't call it anything because I don't do it.

Is that because you can't do it?

Let's just say it's not good for my condition

-to play in that arena.

-Very convenient.

What?

"Oh, I can't chat them up cos I might kill them!"

You can't do it, can you?

-Have you ever even been with a woman?

-I'm waiting for the right woman.

Virginity is like a flower - you don't just pluck it for anyone.

Well said.

I still don't reckon you can chat up.

Are we still on with this? Look, I told you, I don't NEED to chat up.

I have charm and wit.

-Prove it.

-What?

Chat up the next woman what comes in here. Don't worry, I won't let you kill her.

I'm not the one with something to prove here.

I'll do it with you. First one to get her number wins.

Unless you can't do it.

First one to get her number, whoever she is?

You're on.

Fine.

-But we're not going to ring it?

-No.

-No.

We'll burn it, or something, as soon as we get it.

Obviously.

BELL JANGLES

SHE SIGHS

These runes describe the coming of a man - "the enemy of the Saviour".

The nearest translation to this rune is "nemesis", arch enemy.

Like Lex Luthor to Superman or Green Goblin to Spider-Man.

Yeah, yeah. No, I get that.

OK, this is a description of the man.

This rune means "fire", but this is past tense, and this means "arm".

And what does that mean?

"The nemesis has a burnt arm".

What, and that's it?

What do you want? An e-mail address?!

Look, if you see a scary man with a burnt arm, run away!

It's pretty specific. You need to get out of town.

Especially now they know that she's alive.

You've got to go and hide somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

-Go to Bangor.

-What if the nemesis is waiting in Bangor?

And besides, I've got my two boys guarding the door.

-Hmm.

-What?

Something leaked out.

You don't trust them. Not quite. Not yet.

Well, I trust them a lot more than I trust you.

Maybe, in most areas. But never with her.

So, are you having a nice evening?

JK Rowling used to write in a cafe, you know.

-Did he?

-I never used to understand why.

But I get it now. Finally.

You know, from here, you can see all the passing warp

and woof of humanity...

..in all its glory and its despair.

Maybe, one day, years from now, people will ask you

-which table I used to sit at.

-That's quite a thought.

Isn't it?

Yes, me still here in a year. Anyway...

That's a really nice look you've got going on there.

-Nice?

-Sorry.

This is one of those things when negative is positive, isn't it?

Hang on. I know this one.

It's really bad.

Get you, Vanilla Ice(!)

Look, whatever the word is to compliment it, pretend I just said it.

Don't you have, like, floors to mop, or something?

(Please.)

Yes! Anything else?

Er, I like your tights. You look like a bee, and I like bees.

-Are you coming on to me?

-I don't know. Is that like chatting up?

Urgh, no offence, but, like,

I'm into guys that are just a little bit more edgy.

You know, a little bit more darkness about them.

BOTH LAUGH

Are you laughing at me? You'd better not be laughing at me.

No, we weren't, honestly.

Sorry, it's just, um, a private joke, you see.

We're actually both quite dark in our own little ways.

Well, he's darker than me. I'm dark occasionally.

Are you simple, or something?

Here's an idea.

Order something or get out!

Fine. Then I guess I'm leaving.

I didn't like her. I don't think I even want her number.

FRONT DOOR BANGS

And how are my two bestest working boys, hmm?

How did it go?

-Went well, then?

-We did all right, I suppose.

I think that's the first honest day's work he's done in his life.

Oh, you are so wrong.

If, by honest day's work, you mean mindless drudgery, then let me tell you,

I've drudged with the best of them.

Live as long as I have, sometimes you just can't avoid it.

What crappy jobs have you done? I bet I've done crapper.

Pulling a cart through the streets collecting refuse in barrels.

Binman.

These were the days before flushing toilets.

It wasn't exactly rubbish we were collecting, if you get my drift.

Grave digger. Sometimes, you'd dig through an old grave, unmarked like,

right through a dead body, and it stunk.

Child's play. Try digging plague pits with the bodies piled three deep around you.

Um, I worked in a bar once.

Yeah, and this guy came in to chat me up and later,

he got drunk and crashed his car and died

and he tried to drag me through death's door into purgatory.

Dog food factory. Shifting huge lumps of frozen sheep's lung.

Melted blood all sploshing about on the floor and the gaffer, well, he was...

Annie! How was your day?

Oh, thank you. Thank you for asking, because it was a bit weird.

I got stalked by a vampire in the park and then I pushed my sex memories

into another vampire's sad little vampire brain.

Ooh, that is weird, Annie.

Yes, I know. Thank you for asking.

Is there something you'd like to tell us, Annie?

She's just a baby, Annie.

-This is all just a story.

-And what about the Old Ones?

Is that just a story, too, hmm? What happens when they get here?

Let them come. We can take them.

You were the one who said we should just run.

And you were the one saying there's no point.

Well, I think we should run and go and live in a barn.

-A barn?

-Or a caravan or a tent or something.

You said we were strong here.

-You said we could face them.

-Well, I've changed my mind.

I cannot sleep in a barn or a tent or a caravan or anywhere

without central heating, carpets and Radio 4.

That should be on my list.

Really, it should. You make me do that, I won't be responsible for my actions.

And what about the Old Ones?

If the Old Ones are coming, then it is better that I am here to greet them.

Greet them?

I mean face them. Confront them.

I ain't running. I'm going to fight 'em.

Look, I just... I just think we have enemies coming at us from every angle.

First, the Old Ones and now, this nemesis.

Jesus, Annie!

We've both had a really hard day at work.

-Oh, and I haven't?

-That's not what I meant.

Look, I'm not sure what you were used to

when George and, er, Tina were around, but...

Their names were Nina, George and Mitchell,

and this was their home

and they were my friends

and they would have listened to me.

-Thanks, mate.

-Thanks very much.

BELL RINGS

Can I have a...

..cheeseburger, please?

1.50.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

"The cloak of the reaper blocks the sun over me

("Over me)

"But the beak of the crow pecks at the flesh of my enemy

("Enemy)

"I may be gone, but I'm still here

"Remember me, remember me."

I think you've forgotten to pay.

Er, I think I just did.

That's one of my poems, so...

-Now you've got to pay with money.

-Oh, God.

I don't think you quite understand.

One day, you're going to be able to buy this place with that piece of paper, OK?

That's an original Michaela Thompson.

We'd rather have the money.

Look, I don't carry the currency of this so-called society.

I pay with my art.

Not here, you don't.

You either pay or you give it back, so I'll have that back, thank you.

Look, I just told you, I don't have any money.

So, you know, what are you going to do about it?

Lock you in and call the police. Try me.

Right, you can stop that now.

What? This is what you wanted, isn't it? I'm paying, aren't I?

I used to ride a horse once.

-What? What's that got to do with it?

-I had a sword, I was respected.

Better than that, I was feared.

Peasants had their backs flayed for looking at me funny.

-Are you all right, Hal?

-It was brutal, but it worked.

We had order, we had respect and now, we have this.

OK, then, mate. Let's go in the back and have a bit of a chat, shall we? Come on.

-And I had a shield. A red one.

-Is he all right?

You are not a very nice young lady, are you?

You did well back there, mate.

HE SCOFFS Really?

Because I didn't just leap across the counter and rip her throat out,

because, instead, I just babbled like a lunatic.

Yeah, but babbling's better than leaping.

God, look at me.

Hiding from a little girl in a burger bar.

You're not hiding, you're keeping her alive.

It was always much harder for me...

..with women.

So many times...

..I couldn't stop myself.

-I leapt rather than babbled.

-Yeah, but not now, though, eh?

No. No, not now.

I don't think we need this any more.

I've got your back, mate.

Do you know what? We should close up early tonight.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Yeah, no, we should go.

Have a pint or something.

OK.

Come in.

I've got to say, I was surprised to get your message.

You sure about this?

No, but we're going to do it anyway. I just keep thinking,

"What would George and Nina do if they thought trouble was on its way?"

So, we leave tonight.

HE CLAPS

Closing early. Sorry.

We found a...

We found a dead dog in the oven. Health and safety.

Vampires. Kill the lights.

-How many?

-I counted four.

Probably after me.

I had been a bit busy, you know, before, like.

Yeah, probably.

You had more stakes?

-Bet you're glad now, though, aren't you?

-That's not the point!

Oh, Lord Hal! Are you in there, Lord Hal?

-Do you know him?

-It's complicated.

Is the doggie ready for his walkies?

Have you planned this? Were you just going to hand me over?

Not exactly hand you over.

More just step aside, but I changed my mind.

How do I know that?!

I don't know, maybe because we are whispering in the dark behind a counter!

Besides, don't take the moral high ground - you kept a pile of stakes.

I can't believe you were going to hand me over to them.

-I told you, I changed my mind.

-Well, what if you changed it back?

No, you're right. If only you had some way to defend yourself.

Oh, wait. Hang on a minute. You kept a pile of stakes!

DOOR OPENS

Ow! Hello? Anyone?

Listen! Listen to me very carefully.

Outside, there are some...

..some very bad men who want to hurt us, so you have to keep quiet.

Do you understand?

-MUFFLED:

-Mm.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Right, you two.

They are good people.

But, you know, it's like they're just lodging here.

You know, this isn't their home and we're not a family.

Not like it was before.

So, you run away with the creepy vampire you've just met?

No, but I promised George that I would do whatever it takes to keep her safe.

And I guess this is what it takes.

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Who are they?

-Why are they chasing us?

-I cannot believe we have to save her.

I cannot believe we've got to save you.

Tom, I'm sorry. And I did change my mind.

Trying to close up early - I was trying to get you out of there.

I can't believe I binned my big stake for you.

A stake! You binned A stake, Tom.

-Give me my phone back.

-We've got to keep moving.

No! I am not going another step until you tell me why they're trying to kill us.

Because they're vampires.

Oh, yeah.

Ha-ha, hilarious(!) Mock the Gothic weirdo girl.

Give me my phone back. I'm calling the police.

Hal, do the eyes and the teeth or whatever you do.

-That thing.

-What? I am not a performing monkey.

Hal, stop being such a wally.

HISSING

I am a vampire, he is a werewolf. Any questions?

Er... Are you seeing anyone at the moment?

Can I have your number?

-What? We never said that was over.

-Oh, for God's sake.

Go and check the street. Go!

Ooh!

Are you feeling weak?

(Do you need to feed?)

Because I wouldn't mind if you need a bit to keep you going, actually.

-What?

-Would it leave a scar?

Or could you do it somewhere else on my body?

You don't know...

-..what you're asking.

-Hal?

Hal?! I said I've got your back, mate, but don't push it.

-BABY GURGLES

-Holiday's over, I guess.

Yeah, well, just think of it as a new type of holiday.

With lots of running, terror and sleeping in ditches.

-Oh, my God! You!

-Regus?

-What's he doing here?

Nothing that requires woody, pointy things, Tom.

What's happened?

-Vampires.

-Yeah, they attacked the cafe.

Completely unexpected. Not planned at all, was it?

Oh, give it a rest! Annie, first-aid kit - where is it?

It's in the kitchen. I'll go and get it.

Um, who's she?

A bloody nightmare that we had to rescue.

Who are you talking to?

Annie's a ghost. You can't see her, but we can.

Because you're a werewolf. Have I got that right?

Yeah.

-You're one of the good guys now?

-It would appear so.

Yeah, I think I am, too.

It's fun, isn't it?

Yes. Sometimes, it leaves me positively giddy.

This is so deep.

Annie, why are there piles of Eve's clothes in a suitcase?

Um, can we talk about this later?

I think they need to know.

Um, well... Well, we were thinking that we would take baby Eve

somewhere a little, um, safer.

"We"? Who's "we"?

You and this bloke here?

Um...

House meeting. Yes, I would like a house meeting, please. A house meeting.

Can you just...?

Are you going for ever? Have we done something to upset you?

So, are you a vampire, as well?

-Cos you're not showing up on my camera.

-Take a wild guess.

I assume you're taking the piss.

-Well, they started it.

-SHE LAUGHS

You're a funny vampire.

So, um, what's your story, then? How did you end up in all this?

I was texting in the bogs when they attacked the cafe.

-Ah, wrong place, wrong time?

-No!

I think it was meant to happen.

Don't you believe in fate? Destiny?

-More than anything.

-Then you'll know there are no accidents.

I've spent years dreaming about a world like this and now I'm here,

talking to people with no reflections who will live for ever.

But we can protect her. All of us can.

No, not all the time. What about when you're both working?

-BOTH: Where are you going? To change.

-But this is important.

I have to change my clothes.

It feels like I'm circling the drain of a world

I've spent the past 55 years trying to avoid.

The more I engage with this,

the greater the danger of being sucked in.

Look, I need some space, OK?

To think.

To breathe!

Sorry. I'm really very sorry.

BANGING

GIRL MOANS

Annie?

Tom?

HE GROANS

Good evening, my Lord. Apologies for the intrusion.

Fergus, I don't remember asking you in.

He was invited in a week ago, when he took Eve.

It's amazing how these things stick.

And then I just invited some of my friends.

-You don't mind, do you?

-Not at all.

But is there really any need for the knife?

It's a little crude.

Is that an order, my Lord? The offer's still on the table.

There's a throne with your name on it, if you want.

-What's he talking about, Hal?

-Oh, he didn't mention it, did he?

Our Lord Harry is an Old One.

At least, he was.

Pretty high up.

You can be again, Hal. All you've got to do is let us kill the dog.

And you can come back in. All is forgiven.

And the rest live?

I'll be honest with you - probably not.

The fact that that baby's still alive is my secret weapon.

My ace in the hole.

Won't impress the Old Ones if it's still breathing.

-Tom.

-You'll have to get through me first.

Me, too.

I think we just did come through you, didn't we?

I'm sure you will again.

It's the thought that counts.

OK.

OK, what?

I'm back in.

I'll come lead your merry band.

For richer or poorer. Mostly richer.

What, just like that?

You know me, Fergus. You've known me for years.

Did you really think I was going to ally myself with these freaks and traitors

when there's an offer like that on the table?

It'll be just like coming home.

OK? Now, go get the dog.

I'll deal with the girl.

No, Hal.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

He got her. I didn't even see.

He must have nicked the jugular. Oh, shit!

Michaela? Michaela, talk to me.

Who was she?

Just a silly little girl who walked into the wrong cafe.

Who thought that there was more to this world than she could see.

Who thought vampires were cool.

And werewolves. She thought werewolves were cool and all.

And werewolves.

Um, are you finished?

I think I missed a few bits of them under the sofa.

Oh, don't worry. I'll get them later. Thank you very much.

I still think you should come with me. It's not safe out there.

Yeah, I know. It's just that I feel strong here. Stronger than I've ever felt.

Right now, I feel like I could take on a whole army.

You know, with Tom and Lord Harry by my side.

Lord Harry!

Don't.

-Seriously, don't.

-Lord Harry!

Trust us to look after the baby now, do you?

Maybe that's the way it should have been from the start.

The War Child protected by you and the lodgers.

Ah, no. They're not lodgers. They are my friends.

Hmm. Yeah, well, most of my friends are arseholes.

There's a couple of them in the Hoover.

Well, maybe you should get yourself some new friends.

SHE INHALES

ELECTRICITY SPARKS

That's the plan.

For what it's worth, I'm really sorry for the way things went.

What are you talking about? I've got everything I've ever wanted.

I mean, I'm going to live for ever.

Reborn into this dark infinity with crimson fuel and eyes of ebony.

Good at poetry. Really good. It nearly rhymes and everything.

I think people might listen to them now, somehow.

I just... I really like the idea of my work being the final thing they hear.

It could be so beautiful.

When you stop thinking that, and you will, remember I'm sorry.

You're not very good at being a vampire, are you?

-I try not to be.

-Ignore him. He's never happy unless he's miserable.

And what will you do now?

Keep moving. See the world. Try not to end up in a Hoover bag.

Thank you.

It's for him. Just in case.

But he is my maker, my creator, the granter of this dark gift.

We're going to make poetry of our own.

Skin will be our parchment, blood will be our ink.

Yeah. And then we're going to have sex.

Did you ever meet Ivan and Daisy?

Hmm, now, there's a lovely thought.

-What we watching?

-I don't know.

Something about con men.

Anything else on?

TV: ...And had a look at it.

The plumber said, "Oh, it'll probably turn out to be a Lalique". I turned it over

and that's exactly what it was, stamped on the bottom.

What do you reckon? A couple of grand?

No, I'm going to go with a grand.

What do you think, Annie?

Um...

I don't know. Let me have a look.

Um, yeah, a couple of grand, probably.

TV: Together, combined with this wonderful blue opalescence is just...

It just screams Lalique and is a really, really pretty thing.

He had a brilliant understanding of glass moulding.

This is a moulded piece of glass, this is all moulded

and then stained in to enhance the depth of the design.

DOOR OPENS

HE INHALES

It's good to be back.

-Nina sent me.

-Nina?

-Said you were doing great, Annie,

but thought you could do with an extra pair of hands.

She has a temperature.

They couldn't find any record of the baby on our entire system.

There are things I need to check.

The paper says the Box Tunnel murderer's stomach contained human flesh.

Dr Wilson, why did you lie?

-What did Hal say?

-Oh, he didn't mean it.

You're a nice guy, but I need to know.

He doesn't want you growing up.

-What do you want?

-I just want us to be a happy family.

Annie deserves that, doesn't she?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd