Episode 1 Big School

So, when the bottle of cold liquid nitrogen

hits the warm water, it will expand

and explode, and... HE CHUCKLES

..just to spice things up a little bit, we have...

Pat. ..1,000 Ping-Pong balls.

Pat.

Take it away, Pat. Go on. Pat.

MR CHURCH CHUCKLES

Off you go.

Cover your ears, everybody!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

WEAK CHUCKLE

Hang on, don't go.

You'll miss the, um...

SOFT GUITAR MUSIC

# When I think about the days

# There is something of a haze about it

# When we said we'd never change

# Well, we never stopped to think about it

# No, we're not the same

# But let's not break the chain

# We should play this game together. #

TUNE IS WHISTLED

Good morning, everyone. Can I have your attention, please?

-I have a very important announcement to make.

-Keith...

Quiet, please. I've long been aware that

the pupils here at Greybridge have zero interest in education...

-Not now.

-Mr Barber, I'm talking.

..but it seems the teachers have even less.

Yes, I'm talking about you lot.

-Deal with it.

-I don't think this is the time.

This is the perfect time.

So, after a week's reflection,

-I have decided to hand in this letter of resignation.

-I'm sorry, but...

And where is Mrs Kent? Late again, I imagine!

She's dead.

Completely dead?

Yes!

Did you not get my text?

No, I didn't need to make any calls over half-term,

so I didn't turn my phone on.

How did she, um...?

French A-level trip. Eating a crepe. Nut allergy.

Daft old cow didn't realise Nutella's got nuts in it.

Tragically, she didn't know the French for anaphylactic shock.

TEXT ALERT I've got it now.

"Linda dead." When's the funeral?

TEXT ALERT Oh, yesterday.

-MR BARBER:

-Wish I had a nut allergy.

One fun-sized Snickers, I'd end it all.

-Don't say that. Life is precious.

-Well, mine isn't.

Have you seen the graffiti those kids did about me this morning?

Oh, Mrs Kent. What can you say about Mrs Kent,

other than...she was Mrs Kent?

Kenty. Kent face.

Mrs K.

Special K.

The KKK.

She didn't like being called that.

The thing I'll always remember about Mrs Kent is...

Are you going to hand that letter of resignation in?

Oh, yes, yes. I'll... I'll do it now.

RUN!

I love everything French,

not just the language - the history, the romance,

the...bread.

I say to myself, "Don't just teach these kids French.

"Let them be French."

Dirty people, dirty country.

-May I sit down?

-I'd rather you didn't.

I've just had the chairs upholstered.

Now, you've got a lot to live up to, Miss, er...

-Postern.

-DOOR OPENS

-Lavatory's next door, Mr Hubble.

-Oh.

They've moved it.

One of the pupils?

What did you say?

I said, "Is he one of the pupils?"

Clearly not! He's a teacher.

-I was...just making a joke.

-Please don't do that again.

Anything else you'd like to add?

Well, I should tell you that

my teaching methods are... How can I put it?

-..unconventional.

-Like what?

I get the kids up playing vocab tennis. I serve up

a French word and they return it to me with a translation.

Let me serve one up for you.

-SHE GRUNTS

-Boulangerie.

The whole thing's utterly excruciating.

The kids absolutely love it.

They're just humouring you.

They're just humouring YOU, you mean.

-What do you mean by that?!

-I don't know.

Morning! Awful news about Linda.

Yes, I was one of the first to know.

Beautiful funeral. Didn't see you, though.

Yes, well, there was a separate service

for family and very close friends and I went to that.

Obviously, there was no administrative staff invited.

Oh, oh, you can't go in there.

She's just in with a new French teacher.

I'm sorry, this can't wait.

I'm busy!

-I have a very important letter for you.

-Hello.

Oh...

I'm Sarah - Mrs Kent's replacement.

Not that anybody could replace her, but I'm replacing her.

Mr... Mr...

Mis...

Mr Church.

Keith Church.

All the kids call me Churchy.

-No, they don't. What's in the letter?

-Oh, nothing.

-Oh! Sorry, was that your foot?

-It's all right, I've got another one.

Oh! "Got another one," she says. Very comical.

I was the funny one in my last school.

Looks like it'll be the same here.

-Give me the letter.

-Oh, no, it's best I...

just read it to you. "Dear Headmistress,

"just to say how much I'm enjoying my time at the school

"and I hope for it to continue for many years to come.

"Also, it was lovely to meet

"the hilarious new French teacher, Susan..."

Sarah.

Uh... "..and just to say she has very, very, very beautiful hair."

Mmm. I get that a lot.

"Yours sincerely, Keith Church, Deputy Head of Science."

-And all that was in the letter, was it?

-Yes, it was, so...

there's no need for you to read it

and I won't take up any more of your time. Ha-ha-ha!

Au revoir!

Vous parlez francais!

HE MUTTERS GIBBERISH

No, you don't, do you?

And to avoid another Nutella fatality,

I think we should all know that

the French for anaphylactic shock is...

Choc anaphylactique.

Really?! She should have guessed that.

RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER

Would you like to introduce yourself to the school,

-say a few words?

-Oh!

Hello!

OK. Um, make some noise if you think French is boring.

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

All right. And let's have a really big shout out from anyone

who thinks learning a new language

is a complete and utter waste of time.

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

-But what if I was to tell you...?

-Thank you.

-I really did mean just a few words.

-Oh, right. Well, obviously,

I hadn't finished because I was going to do a little thing.

You've established that French is boring,

and I have to wonder why you did that.

RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER

-Right, um, can I just do a little bit of vocab tennis?

-Sit down.

So, pupils past and present are welcome at

the commemorative service for Mrs Kent a week on Sunday.

Mr Church.

Toilets...

Now, I spoke to you last term about graffiti and I'm sorry to say that

an obscene picture has appeared on the walls of the boys' lavatories.

This is completely unacceptable and must stop now.

That is all.

-Sir, what's in the picture?

-Well, I'd rather not say.

Well, if they don't know what's in the picture,

how are they going to know what NOT to draw?

RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER

Well...

..there's a bald-headed gentleman who resembles Mr Barber...

and, er, he's kneeling.

Part of his anatomy is exposed

and, er... Ahem.

..he's engaging with a sheep.

-What's the sheep doing?

-Oh, er...

Well, the sheep is saying...

-"Harder, Mr Baa-baa." MR BARBER:

-Oh!

PUPILS BLEAT

Baa!

Baa!

Excuse me, do you know the way to the language block?

Yes.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was born in 1756 in Salzburg, Austria.

Boring!

Sorry, guys.

Mozart is totally yawnsville.

The problem with classical music is

it doesn't have a good beat to it.

# Ai-uh-ih-ai-uh

# Ai-uh-ih-ai-uh. #

You don't get a beat like that in one of Mozart's...tracks.

So, this term, instead of learning about Mozart, or Beethoven,

or...one of the other ones,

we're going to learn about these guys.

Ricky, Andrew, Simon, Nick "Peanut" - aka the Kaiser Chiefs.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello.

-Lost teacher alert!

-Hi.

-Where is 4B?

-Don't you want to hang out with us and learn about

-the Kaiser Chiefs?

-I would love to,

but if I don't get to my classroom soon, I predict a riot!

-What?

-That's one of their songs.

Don't know that one. 4B is down the corridor, on the right.

-Laters.

-Laters.

Psshh...

My last school was very urban.

So, if I catch you one more time with alcohol on school property,

I'll have no option but to suspend you.

Do I get it back after school, Miss?

No, you do not, Beyonce.

Now, get out.

DOOR OPENS

I can't take any more.

Look, I'm not giving you any more sick leave.

Please!

-Take your hands off the furniture!

-For God's sake, help me, woman!

I'm having a textbook nervous breakdown.

Mr Barber, in order to get paid leave,

it'll take a damn sight more than a bit of graffiti

and 200 children chanting, "Baa!

"Baa! Baa!

"Baa!"

Look, all I...all I need is just the...the rest of the year off.

Oh, grow a pair! Of course the children are going to pick on you.

You're Welsh, you're bald, you're fat.

They don't pick on me for being fat.

Then they're missing a trick. Now, please leave me.

I'm very busy.

Oh, G...

Je m'appelle Mademoiselle Postern.

Why are you speaking foreign?

Because this is French GCSE.

So, what sort of things were you doing with Mrs Kent?

-She just let us go down the shops, Miss.

-Well,

I've got something better than the shops.

It's a game I invented - les murmures francais.

French whispers.

It's a little bit different,

-so bear with me.

-Is it...?

Just a moment. It's like Chinese whispers, but...

-Yeah, we know.

-Ah, ah, ah! The difference is...

Is it Chinese whispers in French?

It is Chinese whispers in French. Well done.

OK. What's the phrase? Nice and loud, so we can all hear.

Ryan and Callum are bum chums!

CHUCKLING

No.

That would be, Ryan et Callum sont les copains bum.

Oh. Oh, Miss Postern, please, have my seat.

So, do you, um, live in the local area, or...?

Why don't you grab a free chair from over there?

Good plan.

This seat taken?

-Yes.

-Oh.

-This one?

-Yes.

-This one?

-Yes.

-How about this one?

-They're all taken.

I understand. This one?

Yes!

I don't know who they're all for. He normally sits on his own.

Oh, anyway, I prefer eating standing up, it aids digestion.

Oh!

Oh, so the kids were going bananas.

Your teaching this morning was inspirational.

Well, I always like to give the kids 110%.

Me too.

-But 100% would be the maximum.

-Not for me.

For everyone. You can only have 100% of something.

Yes, I know, and that's what I give, plus an extra 10%.

You can't. Let's not fall out over this.

No, let's not. But just so you know, I do give 110%.

Teachers like us, who give the maximum percentage possible,

are, sadly, in the minority here.

The teaching standards at this school are at an all-time low.

That's why he's resigning. Thank God.

-Oh. Oh, are you leaving us?

-Oh, no, I'm not resigning.

Typical drama teachers, over-dramatising everything!

Bollocks, with a cherry on top.

He had a letter for the headmistress.

Oh, is that what that was?

What prompted the 360-degree turn?

Well, I just... I just thought with your arrival,

there was a fresh energy at the school.

Oh, well, thank you.

It was a 180-degree turn.

360 would put you back where you started.

Coffee?

Oh, I don't know if they told you,

but I'm one of the longest-serving teachers here at Greybridge.

Huh! I've actually been

rattling around these corridors for 15 years now.

Really?! Oh, I couldn't imagine working in one place for that long.

-How long were you at your last school?

-12 years.

-Oh.

So, what does your husband say about you joining the school?

He says...

-IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-"Hello, I'm an imaginary husband."

Because I'm not married.

Oh, interesting.

Your, er, boyfriend, then?

He says, "Hello, I'm an imaginary boyfriend!" Bec...

Well, you get my drift.

Mmm...

-Are you married?

-Only to chemistry.

Oh!

Oh, it's a good-sized staff room.

Before you ask, no, I don't have a girlfriend.

I'm just sort of dating at the moment.

-He's never dated anyone.

-I have.

-Who have you dated, then?

Well, there's a long list. Well...page of A4.

-Oh.

-Go on, then. Name some.

-Miss Postern has some lessons to plan.

-Oh, no, it's all right.

-I've still got some coffee to drink. Plenty of time.

-Go on.

Well, there was, er, Catherine...

..Anne. Jane.

Another Anne.

Kathryn. Another Katherine.

Those are the names of Henry VIII's wives.

-Rumbled!

-No, I think you'll find

the spelling of some of the Catherines is different.

-He's a virgin.

-I am not! I've had plenty of sex.

Well, the appropriate amount.

I, er, haven't introduced myself. Trevor Gunn.

Um, oh, hello.

Now, don't tell me. Let me guess. I'm good at this sort of thing.

You teach...pottery.

MR CHURCH: Oh!

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-No.

Teaches pottery! I get it.

Well, I'm glad somebody does.

Mr Gunn actually teaches games.

-Yes, I know.

-No, it's not called "games". It's physical education.

Actually, it's one of the hardest degrees to do.

Imagine that. Three years learning to pump up a football(!)

That was one module! So, do you live local?

-Don't feel you have to answer that.

-I'd love to have you over one night.

Will have to be when his mother's gone to bed.

Yeah, big whoop(!) I live at home with me mum.

She does all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the washing.

I mean, I'm living the dream. If I get married,

-I'll put her in a home, obviously.

-Wow! Bet she can't wait for that(!)

That put him in his place.

Huh! Well, I'll have to be off now,

but I look forward to some more of this knockabout banter later.

Oh, dear!

-I'm going to ruin that.

-Oh, dear.

This Friday, Mum's got Senior Zumba. Got the place to myself.

Get her over, Chinese takeaway, slip her a length.

Miss Postern does not look like the sort of woman who eats takeaway.

It's going to happen, mate. I've had very woman here.

-Oh, not this again.

-Every single one.

Mm... The headmistress?

No.

Mrs Klebb?

No, she's a lezzer.

Pat?

We're talking intercourse, or, um...?

HE GROANS

Nah, she don't mean nothin'.

I just lost my phone, which is why I didn't answer...

Yeah, well, I found it now.

Manyou, this is meant to be a detention.

I'm on the phone.

..Look, babe, I'll come see you later, yeah?

..Hey, what time does this thing end?

-It's five o'clock.

-Nah, nah, nah. I need to go.

..Look, babe, I'll come see you about half four.

Manyou, what were you put in detention for?

-Using my phone in school.

-Was that your girlfriend?

-One of 'em.

-Oh!

Ha-ha! You remind me of me at your age.

I was quite the Jack-the-lad.

I'm just a bit out of practice. I just, er...

Out of interest, how do you tell a lady that you like her?

I just text her a picture of my knob.

Yes, but if you don't have a phone that sends picture messages.

-Look, if you want to bang this new French teacher...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

That is quite enough of that!

But what were you going to say?

Right, it's no biggie. Just get her in your car.

Bitches love wheels.

Oh, that word is derogatory to women. But thank you.

-Look, I've got to go, anyway.

-It's not five o'clock yet.

Yeah, I know, but I've got to go.

Well, I'll let you off this time, but I want you to think about

using your phone more responsibly...

-Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

-PHONE RINGS OUT

Sorry.

PHONE RINGS OUT

Oh...

Sorry, Pat.

Didn't know you were still here.

Must be getting changed.

Could you just pass me my briefcase, please?

Oh... Well, don't worry.

I'll get it in the morning.

Thanks for everything today. See you tomorrow!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Whoever did this needs a ruddy good hiding.

No, no, no.

This is a cry for help.

Punishment is not the answer.

Have you any idea the percentage of prisoners who reoffend?

No.

Nor do I. I read a piece in The Guardian.

I can't remember, but it was surprisingly high.

Would you like a lift?

What?

Would you like a lift?

-Where?

-In my car.

Tonight, after school.

-But...to where?

-To your home.

-Presuming you live within a seven-mile radius.

-A lift?

Yes. Just a lift. Just a guy giving a gal a lift!

Well, that's very kind of you.

Make a change from having to wait for le bus.

-Excuse me?

-It's French for "bus".

Is there anything you don't know about France?

I just love it! Such a different way of life over there.

Mm. You must've spent a lot of time there.

No, never been.

-You've never been to France?

-No.

Sometimes, I just think, "Oh, to hell with it, Sarah.

"Leave everything behind.

"Just jump on the ferry and go for the day!"

You're such a free spirit.

I know!

So, Janine, any plans for tonight?

Well, Frieda fell out of her wheelchair last night,

so we'll probably just cuddle up on the sofa and watch MasterChef.

Blimey, the internet's very misleading

when it comes to lesbians.

Yes... So, my Friday night's looking pretty hectic.

-Hm?

-Mm. Yes, since you ask,

I'm giving the new French teacher a lift home tonight.

That's happening tonight.

So I'm busy tonight. That's happening tonight.

Sorry, when's that happening again?

-Tonight.

-And then what?

-Well...

-who knows?

-Listen, Churchy, even if she invited you in,

-you wouldn't know what to do with her.

-You're forgetting.

I studied biology at A-level.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

# Two hearts living in just one mind... #

-You need a massage.

-Oh... No.

No, I'm fine, thank you.

It's just a bit of neck and shoulder pain.

Oh, that is good.

I wish I'd brought me oils.

Yeah, I'm fully trained.

I did an internet correspondence course in sports massage.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Sarah!

Oh, yes. I'll just be another minute.

I don't think this is appropriate on school premises.

There is nothing inappropriate

about having a massage!

Dear God!

Oh, er...

Well, it'll go down eventually. Stick it in the fridge.

I have found that hitting it with a spoon

-makes it go down as well.

-Yes, um...let's go.

You'd better back off, sunshine!

-Or what?

-Or I'll...

-slip you a length.

-Ooh!

No, that's not what that means.

Oh...

So, is it any sort of spoon, or...?

Er, dessertspoon is probably best. Obviously not plastic.

-I'll remember that. Ha-ha! Your carriage awaits.

-Oh.

Well, I survived my first week, Ms Baron.

Are you having a party?

No, these are all confiscated items I'm disposing of.

Daphne, put the lager on the front seat.

# ..It's a game of give and take... #

-Oh, merci buckets.

-French!

# ..No, you'll just have to wait

# Just trust in the good times

# No matter how long it takes You can't hurry love... #

ENGINE SPUTTERS

MUSIC SLOWS TO A HALT

Everything all right?

Yes, yes. It's fine, thank you.

ENGINE TURNS OVER

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Do you need a lift, babes?

-What are you doing that for?

-For your own protection.

Er, no, thank you. Everything's fine here, Trevor, thank you.

Well, it's not fine, is it?

The battery's gone dead because he's left the radio on.

Oh, what a shame.

-And I haven't got any jump leads.

-HE SNIFFS

Well, have a great night, you two lovebirds.

Maybe we could just ask him for a tow.

No, no, no.

Absolutely no way.

-I have to go.

-Yes, almost there.

Why doesn't this door open?

It only unlocks from the outside.

You've locked me in, haven't you?

Yes, it's safer, when he's around.

Do you want my help, or not?

Yes, I just don't want you touching her, thank you.

Let me out!

We're nearly there.

No, don't do that, it's dangerous.

-I'm getting out.

-No, don't. Don't. Don't do that.

Let me help you. Let me help you. I've got you.

I've got you... Get off her. SHE GASPS

-I'll help you.

-Don't touch her. Don't touch her!

-I'm helping!

-Put me down!

There. I've got you.

A beautiful woman joins a school

and the two of you start acting like a pair of 12 year olds!

Especially him.

-I'm getting the bus.

-Le bus.

-And I will see the two of you

on Monday morning, with the rest of the children.

Goodbye.

My bag.

Come on, then.

ENGINE STARTS

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

CAR DOOR OPENS

PHIL COLLINS MUSIC PLAYS

London airport, please.

MUSIC: "You Can't Hurry Love" by Phil Collins

A talent show? No, no, no, no, no.

If you can find any talented pupils

in this school, I'd be very surprised.

My point is, I'll never come over to your house and take a bath.

French is a poor man's Spanish!

HE SINGS

APPLAUSE

All right? I'm Keith Lemon!

Your oboe playing is, at best,

pedestrian!

Miss Postern, this ridiculous behaviour

-has gone on long enough!

-This is a fix.

SHE EXHALES

# When I think about the days

# There is something of a haze about it

# When we said we'd never change

# Well, we never stopped to think about it

# No, we're not the same

# But let's not break the chain

# We should play this game together. #