Episode 2 Big School

Pat, the bowl, please.

Watch very closely

as the sodium reacts with water.

FIZZING

Oh, heh-heh!

I can manage, thank you, Pat.

# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it

# When you said we'd never change

# Well, we never stopped to think about it

# No, we're not the same

# But let's not break the chain

-# We should play this game together.

-#

What are One Direction doing on there?

Une Direction.

It's a learning aid for my Year Eights.

It's just all the hot and happening bands.

Une Direction aren't hot and happening.

Well...they might lack the integrity of Florence Et L'Engin

or La Femme Gaga,

but they are certainly hot and happening.

They don't even play their own instruments.

Look, it is just a bit of fun to get the kids to learn French.

It's not fun.

They're killing music.

Oh!

Uh...

HE GRUNTS

You all right, Trevor?

Yeah, I'm just warming down from yesterday's charity run.

-Oh! Who did you run for?

-Well, I don't know what the right word for it is these days,

but the wheelchair ones.

It was a mile.

It was over 1.6K.

I did the fun run too.

-You?

-Yep.

Brilliant! I mean,

I only lasted the first hundred yards, then my body went into spasm.

-Course.

-To get home, I had to borrow one of their wheelchairs.

-Mm.

I, er, actually do a lot for charity.

I mean, I love teaching,

but I will probably be remembered more for my charity work.

-It'd be great to do something here.

-MRS KLEBB LAUGHS

Well, good luck getting it past the head in this school.

She's not one for charity.

-No?

-No.

My partner, Frieda, needed a double hip replacement.

God knows what they were doing.

I wanted her to go privately,

so I asked the head if I could use the dining hall

for a performance of The Vagina Monologues.

And she didn't want that?

No.

Apparently, Frieda's the butch one.

I mean, the mind boggles.

So, turn to page 18 in your textbooks.

Right, settle down.

Everyone turn to page 62 in your textbooks.

-Mr Hubble...

-No talking.

-Sorry, excuse me.

-Can't this wait?

I'm in the middle of a class.

Yes, you're in the middle of my class. You're meant to be next door with 7B.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, of course. Gymnastics.

No, no, no, no. Chemistry.

Chemistry! Yes, of course.

So, can anyone tell me what the atomic number...?

Right, settle down.

Everyone turn to page 62 in your textbooks.

Remind me of your name again.

Sarah. Sarah Postern.

Sorry, you just haven't made much of an impression.

Well, perhaps not on you, but certainly on the children, and that's what matters.

I think they just assume you're one of the cleaners.

-Are you here for a reason?

-Yes.

Um, I am really into my charity work

and I'd love to do something for charity here at Greybridge.

-Which charity?

-Children in Need.

I hate that bloody bear.

I'd gladly poke out its other eye.

Understood.

But it is on TV on Friday night, and the school isn't doing anything for it.

All right. What do you want to do?

And it had better not be a play about talking fannies.

At my last school, I did all sorts.

Wore a onesie for the whole day.

Big pink onesie. It was hilarious!

Sounds it(!)

And I'd just love to do something that random here. Just for fun.

You know, but also raising much-needed cash for children with really tough lives

both here in the UK and in Northern Ireland.

-Like what?

-Non-uniform day.

No. We had one in 2002 and all the girls came dressed as sluts.

OK, well, what about a school disco?

Discos equal unwanted pregnancies.

Is that it?

-No, I've got another one.

-Quickly, please.

Talent show.

If you can find any talented pupils in this school, I'd be very surprised.

Ah, but here's the twist. Are you ready for this?

It's quite a curve ball. It's a little bit maverick.

You'll be thinking, "Where's she come up with this idea from?" I thought...

-Is it the teachers doing the acts?

-Yes...

Beautiful poster, Miss, er, Post-ern.

-Oh, good one!

-I do try.

Sure you don't mind me putting it up here on your patch?

Oh, no, no, no, no. You go ahead.

Yeah, I just had this nutty idea that it's the teachers who are the contestants

and the kids who are the judges.

Oh! HE LAUGHS

That really is quite madcap.

Where do you get all these zany ideas from?

Just out of my head!

I think I must need help!

Well, as I always say, you don't have to be mad to work here...

-BOTH: But it helps.

-That's what I say!

-Yeah, that's actually my catchphrase.

-I think you might have got that from me.

So, can I put your name down for a spot?

No, no, no, no!

A talent show? No, no, no, no, no.

Oh. Oh, that's a shame.

I...I thought we could have done an act together.

-Yes.

-Hm?

Ignore my previous comments. Yes.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yes, come in.

-Ms Baron?

-What now?

I need to discuss a matter with you of some delicacy. May I sit down?

-I'd rather you didn't.

-Oh, sorry.

Please don't lean on it.

Oh. Excuse me. Um...

It's Mr Hubble.

I fear that, at his age, head of science is getting too much for him.

Here we go again, Mr Church. What's he meant to have done now?

-Well, yesterday, he was asleep in the staff room.

-Mm.

This morning, he left 7B completely without supervision.

-Mm-hm.

-And just now in the storeroom, he...

bent down to pick up some iron filings and he...

broke wind very violently.

Was it the noise or the smell that was the problem?

Well, I hate to say it, but it was a bit of both.

I fear we'll never recover those iron filings.

Thank you, Mr Church, for bringing these matters to my attention.

I must add them to the file.

Thank you.

"Mr Church...

"continuing to make...

"wild accusations...

"against senior members of staff."

Just, er...

signing up for the talent show.

"Sarah and Keith, duet for voice and oboe."

Yes, that's right.

We're doing a duet, so if anyone else wanted to do an act with me,

apologies, I'm taken.

Good, so I hope other people will put their name up and get behind Sarah.

I'll get behind her.

Good.

No, I mean, I'll get behind her.

-That's what I'm asking you to do.

-No, I mean,

I'll get behind her and have sex with her.

-From behind.

-Yes, well, I think if you did,

she'd find out about it. Gareth, what can I put you down for?

-A talk on living with nervous tension.

-Yes...

"Act TBC." Thank you.

Here y'are, put me down for a couple of comedy skits.

-Didn't know you did comedy.

-Oh, yeah.

I'm like Jimmy Carr, but more, um...

-..quick-witted.

-Oh.

Right, anybody else?

-Janine?

-Oh, yes, you can put me down for performance poetry.

-That rings alarm bells.

-No.

Frieda, my partner, she's taken to writing poetry, so I'm going to do one on racism.

For or against?

Against, you moron.

All right. Luke?

Going to have a song from the music teacher?

-No.

-What?

Talent shows aren't for me. I'd never sell out like that.

-But this is for charity.

-Look...

Real musicians don't look for a short cut.

They get the gigs in. Gig, gig, gig.

-Gig.

-This is a gig.

It's a talent show. Would the Stereophonics have made it through the X Factor auditions?

-Would The Verve have got to boot camp?

-I've no idea what you're talking about.

Would Ocean Colour Scene have made it to the judges' houses?

Not a clue, but it would really help Sarah if you put your name down.

Yeah, but if I did, I'm not sure I could ever look myself in the eye again.

-Oh...

-Oh, give it a rest, mate.

Sorry, man. It's just not my bag. You'd never find me on the X Factor.

Didn't you audition for The Voice?

Completely different thing.

BELL RINGS

N'oubliez pas vos devoirs. Demain.

French has finished, Miss. Speak English.

Miss Postern...

-Oh. Hello, Keith.

-Not in front of the children.

Just to say, I've got everyone signed up for the talent show.

Oh, thank you! Oh, this is good - everyone's here.

Yeah, had to twist their arms a bit

because they're not quite as into charity as we are.

-Oh, it's going to be such a laugh.

-A hoot!

That's not what it's about, though.

No, that was the next thing I was going to say.

It's not about having a hoot.

-No, it's about the children.

-In need.

-In desperate need.

-Mm.

So, do you want to choose a song for our duet, or shall I?!

You choose. I'm sure whatever you pick will be perfect.

MR CHURCH: I don't like the song.

How can you not like Imagine?

I've never agreed with the lyrics.

The lyrics are profound. They're like poetry.

They're better than poetry, because some poetry doesn't even rhyme.

Yes, all right, Sarah. Let me just query this.

"Imagine there's no countries."

Yes? What's wrong with that?

Well, how would the Olympics have worked? Or Going For Gold?

I think you're missing the point.

"Imagine no possessions."

Without my Tupperware container, this sliced apple would have gone brown in minutes.

I think John Lennon had more important things on his mind than sliced apple.

Well, all I'm suggesting is that we rewrite the song.

Rewrite John Lennon?

-One of the main ones from The Beatles?

-Yes.

I mean, would you repaint the Sistine Chapel?

Well, I'd Tipp-Ex over the penises, yes.

No. Imagine is one of the greatest songs ever written.

I think Mike + The Mechanics have something to say about that.

OK, let's forget it. Because you clearly know nothing about music.

Well, I think my grade five oboe speaks for itself.

Oh, your oboe playing is, at best, pedestrian!

Ooh, what's this? Lovers' tiff?

No, it's just musical differences.

Thank you for putting your name down, though.

It's all right, babe. Just wanted to support.

Anyway, give me a chance to do my, er, my comedy impressions.

-Oh, I didn't know you did impressions.

-Oh, yeah.

-Who do you do?

-I do 'em all.

All the famous people. Go on, name one.

Er, Bruce Forsyth.

No, I don't do him.

-Homer Simpson?

-Don't do him.

David Beckham?

-Don't do him.

-Alan Sugar?

-Sean Connery?

-Don't do him.

-Alan Hansen?

-Don't do him.

-George Bush?

-Don't do him.

-Victor Meldrew?

-Er...

-No, I don't do him.

-The meerkat one?

-I don't do him.

-OK, is it, perhaps, easier for you

just to tell me who you do do?

I do Keith Lemon.

-AS KEITH LEMON:

-Hiya, my name's Keith Lemon. Holly Willough-booby.

Massive bangers! Bang tidy! Shitting. Finished.

-There.

-SHE LAUGHS

-That's really good!

-Ah!

-I do impressions too.

-I didn't know that.

Yeah! See if you can guess who this is.

Hello. I'm Ms Baron, headmistress at Greybridge School.

Borat.

Oh, er,

thanks for everything today, Pat.

You can leave those test tubes until tomorrow.

I want a word with you.

Oh! Ha! Hello, Mr Hubble. Lovely weather we've been having today.

Going to the headmistress to make complaints about me?

Well, it was more concern.

I have been head of science at this school for 22 years now.

If you have a problem, you come directly to me

or Mr Church.

I am Mr Church.

Yes, me or Mr Church.

You may leave.

Women teachers!

Mr Barber, could you ask Mr Church to pass the water jug, please?

-Give us the jug.

-Mr Barber, will you ask Miss Postern

if she wants the one with lemon in or the one without?

-Lemon.

-Lemon.

Mr Barber, could you tell Mr Church that he's a total bellend?

-Mr Church, Mr Gunn says...

-Yes, I heard.

-Mr Barber, could you ask...

-You ask him!

He's only sat there! What's the matter with you?

Mr Church thinks he can improve upon the lyrics of John Lennon.

Could you imagine no countries, Mr Barber?

It would make my geography lessons a damn sight easier.

See?

Even a geography teacher,

someone whose job it is to think about countries all day long,

can imagine no countries.

So, I think I can speak for John Lennon when I say I'm right.

Well, it hardly matters now, cos I'm doing something different.

Yes, I've been working out the oboe part

for Mike + The Mechanics' The Living Years.

That's a shame, because all my slots are filled.

Not guilty.

There's no space for you in my talent contest. Deal with it.

Miss Postern, this ridiculous behaviour has gone on long enough!

Mr Church, will you keep your voice down?!

No, I will not keep my voice down!

-You having that crumble?

-I would appreciate it

if you removed your poster from my chemistry notice board.

-KIDS: Ooooooh!

-I'd be delighted to.

I don't think anybody looks at that notice board anyway.

Chemistry is a very boring subject!

KIDS: Yeah!

You leave chemistry out of this.

You have to clear your own tray.

And French is a poor man's Spanish.

KIDS LAUGH

Ready for the show tomorrow?

Not really.

It's all become quite fractious.

Yeah. Problem is, Churchy hates charity.

Well, he's certainly not the man I thought he was.

He irons his poppy.

He's had the same one for about five years.

Well, that's a new low.

It's no way to show respect for our boys, is it?

I just don't know what I'm going to do in the show.

It's really upsetting.

Although obviously not as upsetting as the lives of children in need,

both here and in Northern Ireland.

I'll help you with your act.

-That's...really kind of you.

-Why don't you come over to mine tonight?

-To your mum's house?

-Yeah. She's got aquarobics on a Thursday.

Come over, have a bite to eat, take a bath.

Trevor, I'm not sure what sort of women you're used to...

-Slappers.

-That's quite offensive, but probably true.

Anyway, my point is,

I'm never going to come over to your house and take a bath.

All right, how about a shower? Then we can do some work on your act.

-Afterwards, you'll be a bit tired, have a little lie-down.

-Night, Trevor.

Pay for a minicab home!

No.

Yesterday's behaviour in the dining room was completely unacceptable.

-I'm sorry, Headmistress.

-Sorry.

It's always bad for the school when two teachers are in a relationship.

We're not in a relationship.

Well, we sort of are.

-We're not.

-Well, we're just at the start

-of a relationship.

-No, we're not.

We're not even on the cusp of the start of a potential relationship.

No.

We're at the pre-start stage.

There is no pre-start stage.

And if we were in a relationship, we would now be after the end of it.

Enough. The thought of the two of you together makes me shudder.

Please keep your relationship out of school time.

Well, that will be very easy, because there isn't a relationship.

I actually think it's a very good idea,

because Miss Postern has become quite clingy.

-Clingy? Me? I've become...?

-Mm.

You're the one who's become clingy.

-I'm not clingy. You can't call me clingy cos I called you clingy!

-You are clingy.

-Now she's being hysterical. Hysterical and clingy.

-I am not being hysterical!

You are being hysterical!

You're both being hysterical.

Mr Church, leave us.

Miss Postern, stay.

News has reached this office that you do an impression of me.

No. No!

No.

No!

Well, yes.

But it's...quite a fond impression, so...

I'd love to hear it.

-Oh... Oh, I don't think so. I don't...

-Just do it for me.

-AS MS BARON:

-Hello!

I'm Ms Baron.

Headmistress.

Headmistress at Greybridge School.

Please continue.

I like to sit in my office all day...

..and smoke.

-OWN VOICE:

-Promise I will never do it again.

You may leave.

Thank you.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

# ..Tecach yw na'r lili dlos

# Dim ond calon lan all ganu

# Canu'r dydd a chanu'r nos. #

-BOY:

-Baa!

KIDS: Baa! Baa! Baa!

All right, that's not... That's not really in the spirit of it, is it?

Judges, can we have your scores on the doors, please, for Mr Barber?

Six points.

That has actually put you in the lead, though.

So, um, big round of applause for Mr Barber, please.

-KIDS: Baa!

-All right, all right, all right.

I thought we'd got that out of our systems. Next up, we have some comedy jokes for you

-that I'm sure we're all going to find utterly hilarious.

-Well done. That was very brave.

Yeah. To go out there and sing like a bender.

..but it's not your PE teacher, because tonight,

please welcome TV's Keith Lemons!

APPLAUSE

Watch and learn.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Eh!

All right? I'm Keith Lemon!

Bang tidy.

Bang tidy! APPLAUSE

Right, sorry I'm late but, er, I was stuck backstage.

I was motting out Miss Klebb-abooby.

LAUGHTER No, I'm joking.

Course I wasn't. I mean, she's a massive...massive lesbikon.

LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE

MR GUNN CONTINUES IMPRESSION INDISTINCTLY

APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Well, thank goodness that's over.

Can we have the scores for Mr Gunn, please?

APPLAUSE

Do you want to do the cross-country run in your pants?

OK, 27 points for Mr Gunn, putting him at the top of the leaderboard.

Well done, Mr Gunn!

CHEERING

OK.

And the last act is, er, Miss Postern.

And that is me.

This was supposed to be a duet,

er, but it didn't quite pan out like that,

so, um...I'm going to have a go anyway.

So, here goes.

-WEAKLY:

-# Imagine there's no heaven

# It's easy if you try

# No hell below...

-SHE WHIMPERS

-# ..below us... #

I'm sorry, I can't, um, I can't do this.

OBOE PLAYS "IMAGINE"

# ..Living for today

# Ah-ahh ah-ah-ah

# Imagine there's no countries

# It isn't hard to do

# Nothing to kill or die for

# And no religion too

# Imagine all the people

# Living for today

# Ah-ahh ah-ah-ah

# You may say I'm a dreamer

# But I'm not the only one

BOTH: # I hope someday you'll join us

# And the world will live as one. #

CHEERING

Judges, the scores, please, for Miss Postern!

-Oh, and Mr Church!

-Oh!

-Churchy!

-CHEERING

Yes!

Oh, no, no, no, this is a fix.

In what universe is John Lennon better than Keith Lemon?

-APPLAUSE CONTINUES

-Oh, thank you!

Oh, thank you so much! Oh!

I'm... But that... It's not about me getting a standing ovation,

it is really all about the children in need,

both here and in Northern Ireland.

So, please give generously on your way out.

Three cheers for Miss Postern. Hip, hip!

MUSIC: You Raise Me Up

# When I am down

# And, oh, my soul, so weary

# When troubles come

# And my heart burdened be... #

He said he wasn't going to do it.

# ..Then I am still

# And wait here in the silence

# Until you come

# And sit awhile with me... #

This is against the rules! Are you going to say anything?

# ..You raise me up

# So I can stand on mountains

# You raise me up

# To walk on stormy seas

# I am strong

# When I am on your shoulders

# You raise me up

# To more than I can be... #

I think it's over, thank God.

ALL: # You raise me up

# So I can stand on mountains

# You raise me up

# To walk on stormy seas

# I am strong

# When I am on your shoulders

# You raise me up

# To more than I can be. #

-No...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. I love you guys.

Just before you give your scores,

I want to dedicate this performance to my nana.

Nana, you were the only one who ever believed in me.

You told me to follow my dreams.

ALL: Ahhhhh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

Amazing!

Thank you! Nana...

-TEARFULLY:

-..this is for you.

Hi, Nana.

I won!

Who are you talking to?

My nana.

She's alive?

-Yeah.

-Well, why did you look to the sky when you mentioned her?

She lives up north.

Your grandson is a shit.

HE PLAYS "IMAGINE"

-Mr Church has made a rather serious allegation.

-Drugs!

You want to watch your back, Churchy.

I'd hate for you to get a reputation.

I can't help it if every male member of staff

and one female member of staff find me attractive.

Balderdash!

Check out Patrick Swayze!

My Scotch egg was despoiled

and I'd rather not say what was deposited in my sandwiches.

# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it

# When you said we'd never change

# Well, we never stopped to think about it

# No, we're not the same

# But let's not break the chain

# We should play this game together. #