Episode 3 Big School

Now, as it's Friday afternoon, I have a special treat for you.

This little experiment I like to call "elephant's toothpaste".

All I do is mix some hydrogen peroxide and potassium iodine

and pour it into a beaker of ordinary, everyday washing-up liquid!

Ready?

FIZZING

Is that it?

Yes.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Can we go now?

Yes.

Right, Pat, we'd better get this cleaned up.

I didn't get any on me. Thank you, Pat, thank you.

SOFT GUITAR MUSIC

# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it

# When we said we'd never change

# Well, we never stopped to think about it

# No, we're not the same

# But let's not break the chain

# We should play this game together. #

TUNE IS WHISTLED

(WHISPERS) Psst! Psssst!

(WHISPERS) Austin Allegro!

-(WHISPERS)

-What are you doing?

(WHISPERS) I think a deal's about to go down. Get in.

-(WHISPERS)

-A drugs deal?

-(WHISPERS) Yes.

There's no need to whisper while we're in the car, actually.

Just pop your seat back so you don't get spotted.

CREAKING

Oh! I didn't know it went back this far.

Yes, that lad there was expelled last year for possessing the drugs.

One expulsion?

That's nothing. In my last school, there was double that.

We had a very serious drugs problem.

Well, I think you'll find it's worse in this school.

It was an epidemic.

Well, here it's a pandemic.

Well, let's just agree that it's a sad fact

that drugs are an issue in all schools.

Particularly this one.

And the one I used to work at.

Anyway, I want to talk to you about Draughts Club.

Whatever you do, don't let Barber offload that onto you.

He already has.

-But I had a thought.

-Oh, shh, shh!

-Hello!

-Hello!

I thought seeing as you run Chess Club...

Oh, I founded it.

...why don't we merge it with Draughts Club? Call it "Chaughts"?

It's a bold idea, Sarah.

-So is that a yes?

-Shh!

Oh, no.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Oh, yes.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

Right, if it's about the trampoline,

I've absolutely no idea how it got on eBay.

Mr Gunn, I've summoned you here

because Mr Church has made a rather serious allegation.

Drugs.

What?

You've been buying drugs from a drugs pusher and you've got drugs!

No, I haven't.

The camera never lies.

Care to explain yourself, Mr Gunn?

Oh, that? Yeah. No, no, no, I wasn't, um...

I wasn't buying drugs,

I was, er, I was confiscating them.

Well, if that's the case, Mr Gunn, why did you give the boy money?

Cos he was collecting for a Blue Peter appeal.

Balderdash, Mr Gunn.

Balderdash.

If you care to leave us now, Mr Church.

Certainly, Headmistress.

Balderdash!

Empty your pockets.

Oh, this is good shit!

Oh! That is good shit.

Right, can I have a bit of quiet, please?

CHATTER

Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh! I can still hear chattering.

Thank you. I have some very important news.

Mr Gunn has been sacked.

Ah, so they finally found him

watching dirty movies in the computer room, eh?

It must be for siphoning petrol out of the minibus.

Was it for hiring the sports hall out for illegal raves?

-Look, I only went to one...

-It was actually none of those,

but thank you for bringing them to my attention.

No, it's much more serious than that.

Mr Gunn was caught buying the drug ma-rij-uana.

Just out of interest,

-who was selling it?

-That's not important.

What's important now is that Mr Gunn is no longer a teacher at this school.

All right! Where's the biccies? I've got the munchies.

But you've been sacked!

Oh, I don't think so.

And you reek of drugs!

Well, I have to know what I'm dealing with, don't I?

Oh, this is a dark day for the school, a very dark day.

Is this your Scotch egg?

You know damn well it's my Scotch egg.

That is deeply offentious!

Oh, I haven't even started yet, Churchy.

-You've just missed her.

-Where is she?

Nipped to the garage to get some Jaffa Cakes.

We need to get across the anti-drugs message to the kids.

Well, then a song will be perfect.

We just need to find one that tells the kids the drugs don't work.

They just make it worse.

Yes, exactly. I'll do some research online,

see if anyone's written one with that kind of message.

I thought you'd brought a packed lunch today.

I did.

But my Scotch egg was despoiled

and I'd rather not say what was deposited in my sandwiches.

All right, Keith? Are you a music fan?

I like the early stuff.

Luke and I are going to sing an anti-drugs song in assembly.

It'll mainly be me.

I'll be on tambourines and backing vocals.

In the business we call them BVs.

Otherwise you'd for ever be saying, "backing vocals, backing vocals,

"backing vocals", when it's much quicker to say BVs.

You don't want to waste everyone's time.

Yes, we get the picture.

Well, if you need a red-hot oboe player...

Not really. Oboes are not really part of my sound.

Well, what is your sound?

It's somewhere between Oasis and Beady Eye.

Oh, an eclectic mix!

When do you want to get together and rehearse?

Not sure yet. I'll drop you a message on Facebook.

-Laters.

-Laters.

How often does Luke send you a message on Facebook?

Sarah, please be honest with me.

Quite often, why?

Well, I'd hate for you to get a reputation.

A reputation as what?

As a woman who has many partners.

I can't help it if every male member of staff

and one female member of staff find me attractive.

You need to clear your own tray.

I'm two moves away from checkmate, sir.

I admire the cut of your jib, Grandmaster Nicholas,

but I'm not sure you'd bargained on me doing...

...this.

I had.

Which is an excellent juncture to end today's Chess Club.

I was one move away from checkmate.

Now, I need your help with something.

Put the board away and meet me in the computer room.

WHISTLE IS BLOWN

Run!

Duck!

You all right, babes?

I just want you to know that, um, I've walked in your shoes.

It's metaphorically.

You what?

I'm an addict too.

What are you addicted to?

Highlighter pens.

Sniffing 'em?

No, highlighting things.

It got to the stage where I'd highlighted everything -

there was nothing left to highlight.

Textbooks, magazines, newspapers, receipts,

phonecards, those little Bibles that you find in hotels -

it all just became one luminous blur of colours.

-Sounds like a nightmare.

-Mmm.

Well, it's worse than a nightmare, Trevor, because it's real.

Well, something had to change.

And that's when my sponsor suggested that I just use

the fluorescent yellow one to highlight key words and phrases,

and that's what I do now.

Come here.

Come on.

Shall we take a quick shower?

Sex addiction. That's one of the new ones...

isn't it?

Mm-hm.

Move!

Er, I've done a bit of research online and I've printed this out for you.

Had a bit of a relapse.

Ah, there you are, Nicholas.

Yes, I need you to help me get onto Facebook.

Yes, sir.

Is there an application form I need to print out?

No, I've done it. You're on Facebook.

Oh! That was quick. MESSAGE ALERT

Oh, you've already got a friend request.

-Dear God.

-Shall I accept?

No, no, no, no. Leave it.

OK. Let's do your profile, sir.

Likes?

-Milk.

-Anything else?

No.

TYPES

Favourite music?

Well, I like a real range of stuff - anything from Oasis to Beady Bye.

-Favourite TV shows?

-The news.

And?

The weather.

Sports?

Just put, "no, thank you".

-Dislikes?

-War.

And wasps.

And wasps down...

Relationship status?

It's complicated, so I wouldn't know what to put down.

Oh, they have that. Hmm.

Any particular friend you wanted to add first?

Oh, I hadn't really thought about that.

Um, what's the name of that new French teacher?

Miss Postern?

Yes, well, it would be nice to add her.

I've sent a request.

Well, she's taking an awfully long time about it.

I'm sorry, sir, my mum's picking me up now.

Oh, yes, yes.

Sir...

..can I ask your advice about something?

I'm sorry, Nicholas, this is Chess Club, so...

if it's not something to do with chess, it's inappropriate.

-Morning, Sarah.

-I wasn't!

Oh...hello.

There's a note in your pigeonhole.

Oh. Is it from you?

-Yes.

-Did you just put it there?

Yes.

Could you just bring it over?

If it's easier.

Thank you.

"Sarah, I sent you a friend request on Facebook

"and would be delighted if you choose to accept.

"Keith Church, Deputy Head of Science."

Oh, right, OK.

There. Done!

I was just wondering, when's a good time to get together

to discuss the Draughts and Chess Club merger?

Well, we can discuss it now, if you want.

Well, there's quite a lot of ground to cover.

I think it's best we do it out of school time.

I'm not earwigging, I'm just toasting some gluten-free bread. Carry on.

Um, when were you thinking?

Well, I was thinking perhaps, um...

Yes?

Well, I was thinking, um...

Don't worry. I'm not listening in.

Well, I was thinking you might like to come over...

Come over where?

I think it's best I send you a message.

Sarah, I just want you to know

I have not told a soul what I saw the pair of you

getting up to in the car yesterday.

We just reclined the seats.

CHUCKLES

You don't need to pretend with me. Don't worry, I kept shtoom.

-Sarah, Ms Baron wants to see you.

-What about?

Dogging.

-What are these chairs doing here?

-Don't you ever bloody knock?

-Oh, you're a disgrace.

-Oh, am I?

Yes, and not just to yourself, but to the PE department

and the entire teaching fraternity.

You want to watch your back, Churchy.

Yes, or what?

Or one of these days you might wake up with a horse's head in your bed.

And where would you get a horse's head from?

Safeways. I know the fella that works the meat slice.

Degenerate!

Oi! Oi!

You're the ge-denerate!

TYPES SLOWLY

Oh, Miss Postern?

Miss Postern!

Nearly with you.

Almost there. Almost, almost.

And...here I am.

Hello, Keith.

Oh, best not to use first names in front of the children.

Oh, right. Erm, well...

Right, well, I was just dashing off to teach 9C, so...

Oh, just wondered if you'd had a chance to digest my latest message?

I'll just check now, shall I?

Here it is.

-- "Dear Sarah, I trust you're well..." -

-...trust you're well...

"...draughts and chess merger... Saturday night."

I am never free on a Saturday night.

Oh, yes, of course, sorry.

Except this Saturday night.

Oh, wonderful!

-Shall I, er, lay on a spread?

-Oh!

Just some nibbles. Shall I come over after Strictly?

Which I usually have to record because I'm always out.

Well, why don't we watch Strictly together

and then discuss the merger?

Oh, are you into Strictly?

Oh, yes. Very much.

Oh, I think the standard this year is the best ever.

I was going to say it myself - the standard this year is the best ever.

The judges say it every year,

-but this time it is actually true.

-Oh, those judges, they do say it!

Oh, I'm so glad you're following it!

-Who d'you think's gonna win?

-Oh, there's a question!

Who's gonna...win it?

Who...? Who's gonna...win it? Er...

Not seen it, have you?

-No.

-No.

DOORBELL RINGS

Sausage roll?

Hello!

Hello. Would you like a sausage roll?

Not right now. I'll probably take my coat off first.

Oh, yes, yes.

The toilet's there, if you need it.

I don't at the moment.

Probably be needing it later. Come through.

Sandwich?

That's a lot of food.

Oh, just a cold buffet. Pickled egg?

Is it all for us?

Anything we don't eat tonight, I'll just graze on during the week.

-Right. Oh.

-Oh!

Well, let's get this party started!

APPLAUSE ON TV

Oh, yes, my love, you were wicked!

CHEERING

So some are professional dancers and some are celebrities?

Yes, that's right.

And the marks are out of ten?

Of course, the marks are out of ten.

-The most sensible metric to have.

-Sorry.

It's my favourite TV programme and it is quite annoying

with you constantly asking questions and making comments.

Oh, I'm sorry. I won't say another thing.

What a feeling, what a dance!

So has the one on the end there got a wife?

No, of course he hasn't got a wife, he's gay!

Well, I don't know who's gay and who isn't gay.

Well, does it matter if he's gay?

No, it doesn't matter if he's gay.

I just can't keep up with who's gay and who isn't gay these days.

Could you please be quiet?

-I am being quiet.

-Shh!

An amazing tango section at the end. That was absolutely...

So is the one on the other end gay?

Yeah, yeah, they're all gay.

Everyone on the show is gay.

Everyone on TV is gay, all right?

-Mini quiche?

-No, no, no.

I would like another drink of wine, though, please.

I'm afraid you've had all the wine.

Oh, well, what else have you got?

Um, milk.

Yakult?

-No, I want another "drink" drink.

-Must have something.

Ah!

Here we go. Been saving it for a special occasion.

-Turnip liqueur.

-Oooh!

God!

That is quite rooty.

That'll be the turnips. I'm just making another trip to the cold buffet.

Can I get you anything?

Are there any chipolatas left?

There's a few.

# ...Truth...

# And I owe it all to you... #

Oh, I love this song!

Oooh!

Check out Patrick Swayze.

Oh, check out the...

the lady in the film.

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING ON TV

Put the chipolatas down.

# ...We saw the writing on the wall

# As we felt this magical fantasy... #

-Oh, we haven't discussed the merger!

-What?

The Chess and Draughts Club merger!

Oh, well, um, do you want to do it?

-Yes.

-Oh, well, so do I.

That was easy, wasn't it?

# ..Never felt this way before

# Yes, I swear

# It's the truth... #

Shall we do the lift?

Well, how much do you weigh?

That's, um, quite a personal question.

Well, it's more of a physics question.

About nine stone two, but I've got quite a lot in my pockets.

Hm. Give it a go.

Oooh!

CHEERING ON TV

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, go away, we're doing dirty dancing!

I should just go and see who it is. DOORBELL RINGS

GROANING

Pop you down.

Oh, some chipolatas there to keep you going.

CHEERING

-What's going on, Churchy?

-What are you doing here?

-We're 'ere for the party.

-There is no party.

-Don't worry, Sir. Bring a bottle.

-Let them in!

Oh, wicked! Look, Scotch eggs!

Well, leave some for your French teacher.

# DANNY BYRD: Blaze The Fire

Why are you all here?

You invited us, sir.

-I did no such thing.

-Er, yeah, you did...on Facebook.

What?!

MUSIC BLARES FROM HOUSE

-Sir, it's not...it's not budging.

-Manyou, what are you doing with my oboe?

Just trying to unblock your bog, sir.

Come on! Let's have a dance!

Miss, why are you dancing with Mr Church? You boning him?

Well, I don't think that's biologically possible.

Come on! Let's show them how to par-tez!

Oh, hello, Pat.

SWITCHES MUSIC OFF

-Right.

-What are you doing?

-Can I have a bit of quiet, please?

-What's he doing?

-I can still hear talking!

-Turn the music back on!

Don't be so boring, Keith!

Not in front of the children!

-His name's Keith!

-Keith!

-(CHANTING)

-Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith!

-Keith! Keith!

-Come on, it's Saturday night!

-SWITCHES MUSIC ON

-Let's go bonkers!

-You're actually kinda cool, Miss.

-Don't sound so surprised!

I actually listen to Radio 1 in the mornings, you know!

-Well, d'you want a toke, Miss?

-Yeah! Let's have a toke!

Miss Postern!

Look, Ms Baron, it's all over the internet.

-This is awful.

-He's even put it on his Facebook.

Yes, well, I think we know how that got there.

And I've even heard that someone's sent it to the local paper.

Headmistress, I can explain everything.

I think it's too late for that. I mean, really, Mr Church,

hosting a drugs party!

I was not hosting a drugs party.

Were there any other members of staff present?

No, just me and a...very generous cold spread.

The spread is of no interest to me.

I'm more interested in this picture of you holding a joint.

Camera never lies.

Well, on this very specific occasion, the camera did lie

-because although I'm holding the, um...

-Gan-ja!

-..."gan-ja", I did not take a toke.

-Hear that?

"Ganja", "toke"? Knows all the lingo, don' he?

Did any money change hands?

-No, of course not!

-Stealing drugs.

That's even worse. You should make a note of that.

Yes, thank you, Mr Gunn. You can leave us now.

Should I announce he's been sacked

-or, um...?

-Thank you.

-MR GUNN:

-Yes!

Headmistress, I feel my position at the school has become untenable

and I would like to tender my resignation.

No, I've got a better idea.

You can talk to the whole school about the dangers of drug addiction.

But I'm not a drug addict! I've never even taken drugs.

Everybody's seen the picture.

I think the children would really benefit

from hearing at length about your drugs hell.

# The drugs don't work They just make you worse

# And I know I'll see your face again

# No, the drugs don't work They just make you worse

# But I know I'll see your face again. #

Despite this school's very strong anti-drugs stance,

as you know, any drugs...

I'm sorry you got the blame for all of this.

Oh, please don't be.

Maybe I should say something?

-Shh!

-One of the teaching staff

has been unmasked as a drugs fiend.

Would they please now stand up?

First, I became addicted to Halls Soothers,

but that was just a gateway

-to the harder stuff.

-Mr Church!

Oh! Sorry. Forget I said that.

Yes. I am a drugs addict.

I'm always getting drugged up on the drugs.

At first, I enjoyed taking the drugs.

I thought I could fly. I started seeing things.

Pink elephants.

Pink elephants on parade.

I realised I was high and I wanted to get high again.

Soon, I would do anything to get high on the drugs

and even considered selling my body.

SNIGGERING

As a result, I've let myself down...

..I've let the teachers down,

I've let various members of the administrative staff down,

but most of all, I've let you down - the kids.

Today, you've lost a role model.

So, drugs - don't do 'em, yeah?

Thank you for...not fingering me.

Ha! For you, anything.

And your speech - surprisingly powerful.

Well, I feel like I've finally conquered my demons.

Hmm.

But remember, you've never actually taken drugs.

Let's not spoil it for the children.

-Scarface!

-Oh!

-Stoner!

-Oh!

Keeping it real! Indeedy!

Churchy!

Stoner!

There is a boy in my tutor group who is having some problems at home.

His mother's on sex safari.

I imagine the Masai lovemaking is very animalistic.

Sorry to hear about your wife running off with the, um...

Masai tribesman.

Who do you think wrote that song?

A bellend?

We need to rehearse Juliet And Romeo.

Swapped the names round. Well done.

Shakka-speare must be rolling in his grave.

Boozer!

ALL: Yes!

# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it

# When we said we'd never change

# Well, we never stopped to think about it

# No, we're not the same

# But let's not break the chain

# We should play this game together. #