Episode 6 Big School


Episode 6

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Transcript


LineFromTo

So the transition of a solid

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directly into a gas is called...? Anybody?

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Anybody?

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Anybody...?

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Sublimation.

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So, Pat,

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if you could add a tiny bit of solid carbon dioxide to the warm water.

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That was too much, Pat.

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LAUGHTER

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Don't panic, everyone.

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LAUGHTER

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Maybe we should just get a window open.

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Pat, if you could open the door.

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No, that's not the doorknob, Pat.

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Stop jiggling it.

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# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it

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# When we said we'd never change

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# Well, we never stopped to think about it

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# No, we're not the same

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# But let's not break the chain

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# We should play this game together. #

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And so, after the events of last week,

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rap battles are now outlawed on school premises.

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GROANING

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Let's just take it as read that all your mommas are fat.

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Now, with the details of her upcoming French trip,

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-Miss...um...

-Postern.

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Hmm.

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Bonjour!

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It's French for hello.

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So who wants to say "bonjour" to "la France"?

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Which is French for France.

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We're going to France!

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What, to Paris, Miss?

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No, Paris was a bit too expensive. The next best thing -

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Dieppe!

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-Where's that?

-It's in France.

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We're going to be staying in a very nice Youth Hostel

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just outside Dieppe.

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Still able to sample

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all the excitement Dieppe has to offer, though.

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The port.

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The town square.

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The old port.

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There's so much to see.

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-The Eiffel Tower?

-No, that's in Paris.

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-Is that where we're going, Miss?

-No, we're going to Dieppe.

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-Where's Dieppe, Miss?

-It's in France.

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So, can I get a show of hands in the air, please?

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Come on!

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It'll be fun!

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You get to go on a coach.

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-You can buy bangers.

-ALL: Yes!

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So, your first trip to France!

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-LAUGHS

-Don't tell everyone!

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In fact, don't tell anyone.

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Oh, I won't. Just strange you've never been.

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Lots of places I've never been. I mean, why start with France

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when there's whole parts of Surrey that I've yet to explore?

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-Well, you are a French teacher.

-What's your point?

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Nothing at all. Just wondered if there's an opportunity

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for other teachers to come with you on the trip?

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There are three spaces available.

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I expect you'll be putting your name down.

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Well, I'll check my diary.

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-Then you'll be putting your name down.

-Well, I'm quite busy.

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-Not too busy to put your name down, though.

-I'll see if I can move a few things around.

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-And when you have, you'll put your name down.

-Yes, I will.

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You, French woman, my office, now.

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Um, would you just pop that up in the staff room?

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Yes, of course.

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This jolly is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

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So here are my rules - no drinking, no smoking,

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and no holiday romances with dirty Frenchmen.

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Oh, well, the children will, of course, be supervised at all times.

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I wasn't talking about the children.

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And I don't want a single complaint, fight or unwanted pregnancy.

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Sorry, are we talking about the children now?

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-Yes!

-Oh.

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So, I'm, er... afraid I've got some bad news.

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-You lost our books again, Sir?

-No, no, no, I know where they are.

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-Where are they, then?

-They're on top of the TV.

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So we'll get 'em back tomorrow, Sir?

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No. You see, the bailiff came to take the TV.

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Still, I did manage to save some stuff from the caravan,

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I got a...

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..got a shoehorn...

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..a Pritt Stick...

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..got my passport, so...

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I can go on the French trip, eh?

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Why don't we do geography trips, Sir?

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No, no. Last time I did one of those we went into some caves up, er...

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Cheddar Gorge way.

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Very dark in there. I banged my head on one of those, um...

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You know, one of those things that comes down from the ceiling?

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-Stalactites.

-Yeah, yeah, correct.

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And then I slipped and impaled myself on

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one of the other ones. You know, the ones that come up, um...

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-Stalagmites?

-Stalagmites, yes.

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Yeah, no, it was a total and utter disaster. Never again, no.

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Still, we've learned today about stalag...

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-Tites.

-Tites. And...

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-Stalagmites.

-Stalagmites, yes. And that's good.

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That's good geography.

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My...name was up here!

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Too late, mate.

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Well, it's etched on. Feel it, feel it.

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You feel that?

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I can't feel anything.

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-Take your name off.

-No.

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-Why do you even want to go to Dieppe?

-Shag Postern.

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Oh, that is...

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so far from anything I could even think.

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What do you wanna go there for, then?

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Well, to see the old port...

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and...the square thing and the other port.

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Well, don't worry, I'll send you a postcard.

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After I've porked her.

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Oh, disgusting.

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Gareth, why is your name up here?

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I mean, you don't even like abroad.

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Booze cruise.

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-What?

-Yeah.

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I get over there, buy two, three... hundred bottles of strong lager.

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Stock up for the month.

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Janine.

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-HE CHUCKLES

-Oh!

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Dear Janine...

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-Nope.

-Why?

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Free holiday.

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I don't think it'll be much of a holiday.

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I mean, you'll mainly be stopping fights and clearing up sick.

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Yes. On holiday!

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This is beyond the pale.

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Absolutely above and beyond the pale.

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I mean, Sarah's going to be furious with you all

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when she finds out I haven't got my name up there.

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You could always buy me out of it.

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There are plenty of other places I'd rather visit.

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If you think I'm going to bribe you not to go on this trip

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you are woefully mistaken.

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So, I've got you five nights, fly-drive, premium economy,

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all-inclusive.

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You fly to Orlando, and then you drive to Disney World

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where you'll be staying at the Magic Castle Inn in the Tinkerbell Suite.

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What about Frieda's wheelchair?

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I've checked and there's full wheelchair access for your partner.

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What about spending money?

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No.

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So, here's 250

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in cash for you,

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and the same for Frieda.

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There's a problem, I'm afraid,

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with Frieda's mother, Jana.

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Oh! So you can't go?

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No, Jana would like to come too.

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She's always wanted to go on

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the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith.

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No.

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Oh! Bonjour.

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Bonjour, bonjour.

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-Bonjour.

-Hola!

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Bonjour, Manyou!

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All aboard.

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Sarah?

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I've got you some sucky sweets in case your ears pop.

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We're going on the ferry.

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And I, er, wanted to warn you about Trevor because he, er...

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Wants to shag me.

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Precisely.

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I'll keep my eye out for that.

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Please do.

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Well, au revoir!

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Au revoir.

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Keith?

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It's a shame you didn't put your name down.

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TAPPING ON COACH WINDOW

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Janine...

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second room for Jana with en suite,

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750 spending money,

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a 30-minute foot scrub each at the Little Mermaid spa

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and a Fastpass for the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith.

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Deal!

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-Did you do all that for me?

-No.

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Hmm. Sure?

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No, I just wanted to see Dieppe.

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Hmm. Makes sense.

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LOUD BHANGRA MUSIC

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-MUSIC CONTINUES

-OK! Settle down.

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Please, settle down. I've got a, um...

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Actually, sorry, Mr Rupesh, could you turn the music down?

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-MUSIC STAYS AT SAME VOLUME

-A bit more?

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A little bit more.

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Tiny bit more.

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OK, could you just turn it off, please.

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Right. Um, I have come up with a little quiz

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to keep us entertained on the journey. It's all about Dieppe.

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-Where's Dieppe, Miss?

-It's in France.

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-Are we seeing the Eiffel Tower, Miss?

-No, that's in Paris.

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-Are we not going to Paris, Miss?

-No, we have been through all this.

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So these are the quiz sheets, if you'd just pass them back for me.

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I ain't doing that, Miss, I'm on holiday.

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Not a holiday, it is an educational visit.

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Got any headache tablets?

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No.

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I've got some Viagra.

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Bonjour.

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Nous avons une reservation.

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-Yes.

-You must be from Greybridge School.

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C'est tout bien. Je parle le francais.

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-Pardon?

-Je parle le francais.

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I'm sorry, your accent is difficult to understand.

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Say again.

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Je parle le francais.

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No.

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I speak French.

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I'd like to speak in French.

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D'accord! Nous avons garde une quinzaine de chambres, deux d'entre elles les doubles.

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Le petit dejeuner est servi a huit heures, s'il y a le moindre probleme

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et je ne suis pas a la reception, vous n'hesitez pas a me sonner.

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A little bit slower?

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-Breakfast is served at eight...

-In French.

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S'il y a le moindre probleme et que je ne suis pas a la reception,

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vous n'hesitez pas a sonner.

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And again in English.

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If there are any problems and I'm not at the desk, just ring the bell.

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That's what I thought you said. Thank you.

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-Merci.

-Excuse me?

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No, you understood that.

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She's Polish.

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Well, this is me. See you all at supper.

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Yeah, table for two, say, babes?

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Er, no, all the teachers will be sitting together.

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Oh, dear.

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I'm not going in the middle.

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It was only me and Gunn in here before you swapped with Klebb.

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You can go in the middle.

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No, don't worry about me - I won't be sleeping in that bed.

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-And where will you be?

-Next door, with Postern.

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Doing it!

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If that's the reason you came, you might as well go home now

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because that is not going to happen.

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I got a plan, mate, just you wait.

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Right, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me,

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I'm gonna rinse my balls in the sink.

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WATER RUNS

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Aaah.

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-Apres le petit dejeuner...

-What?

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After breakfast, tomorrow,

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we will be visiting the historic port,

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and then moving on to the old town square,

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where you'll be able to meet some of the local people of Dieppe...

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Dieppenese - and practise some of your French.

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Thank you, Miss Postern, for putting together a fantastic itinerary.

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And, er, I think it's time now you all went to bed.

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It's only eight o'clock.

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Lights out in 15 minutes. Come on.

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Sir?

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They won't let us buy any drink here.

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All right, meet me upstairs in five.

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Mr Rupesh not joining us?

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No, he likes to stay on his coach.

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-Oh, that's a shame.

-I've asked him to keep an eye on my beers.

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Can I have one?

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Cos I've only got 200, so I'd rather you didn't.

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Sarah, anything catch your eye on "le menu"?

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Well, there's so much I'd like to try.

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Chicken nuggets, Hombre.

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Ladies first.

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Je voudrais le coq au vin.

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Cock in a van. Filthy!

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Merci, garcon.

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Have you got any crisps?

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-Oui.

-I'll have ready salted. Two packs.

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Je m'appelle Monsieur Church.

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J'habite en Angleterre.

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Je voudrais les moules marinieres.

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Moules marinieres! Very French.

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Well, wherever I go in the world, I like to try something new.

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Earlier this year, I was passing through Eccles

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-and sampled an Eccles cake.

-All right, Thomas Cook!

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Right. I'm, um, gonna check up on the kids,

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make sure they're all...settled in.

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-That's very good of you, Trevor.

-That's what I'm here for, babes.

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Er, keep my nuggets warm.

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-BRIAN COX ON TV:

-'When you look up into the night sky,

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'you don't just see stars. Those tiny...'

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'..mark out the passage of time

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'over billions or even trillions of years.'

0:15:150:15:18

Four quid a tin or two for a tenner.

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Don't do euros.

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-Are they all in bed?

-Sound asleep.

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LOUD MUSIC PLAYS UPSTAIRS

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Appreciez-vous vos moules marinieres?

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Oui.

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Ah, bon!

0:15:440:15:46

Oh. Excuse me, I... need to use the toilet.

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-En francais!

-There isn't time.

0:15:500:15:52

Can one of you pop on the coach and get me some more beers?

0:15:560:15:59

I think you've had enough.

0:15:590:16:01

So, what we doing tonight, babes?

0:16:010:16:03

Check out the clubs? See what Dieppe has to offer?

0:16:030:16:06

Well, it's a big day tomorrow - the port, the square,

0:16:060:16:10

the other port,

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if there's time, the square again.

0:16:120:16:14

I think I'm just gonna have an early night.

0:16:140:16:17

Gotcha. Boo-ya!

0:16:170:16:19

-Sir! We need more beer!

-They're not drinking, are they?

0:16:190:16:23

No. I'll sort it out! Out!

0:16:230:16:26

Oh!

0:16:280:16:29

Oh, dear, Gareth.

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HE GROANS

0:16:320:16:33

Gareth.

0:16:330:16:35

-Who is it?

-Everything all right?

0:16:350:16:37

-I think we need to get him up to bed.

-Where's Gunn?

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He's upstairs, sorting the kids.

0:16:400:16:42

Oh, then let's quickly get him upstairs

0:16:420:16:45

and then we can go straight to bed.

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Separate beds.

0:16:460:16:48

Come on.

0:16:480:16:50

Uuuurrrghh.

0:16:500:16:52

-Is he drunk, Miss?

-No, no, he's just jet-lagged.

0:16:580:17:01

Well, we can't leave him like this.

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-No?

-No! Of course not.

0:17:170:17:19

He can't sleep like that.

0:17:190:17:21

You'll have to at least put him into his pyjamas.

0:17:210:17:23

-Me?

-Yes, you.

0:17:230:17:25

Mr Barber, it's Mr Church, deputy head of science.

0:17:300:17:34

I'm just going to try and get you into your pyjamas.

0:17:340:17:37

MR BARBER GROANS

0:17:410:17:43

-It won't come off.

-Well, just get the trousers off.

0:17:450:17:48

In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'm just unbuckling his belt.

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I think the...

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underpants have come down with the trousers.

0:18:050:18:07

Oh, yes.

0:18:070:18:08

I think the underpants are too high.

0:18:140:18:16

-Should I, er...?

-Just split the difference.

0:18:160:18:18

Well...sleep well!

0:18:250:18:28

Night, Gareth! See you in the morning - bright and early.

0:18:290:18:32

Well, I'd best be off to bed.

0:18:390:18:42

Yes.

0:18:420:18:44

Bon nuit!

0:18:440:18:45

-CHUCKLES

-Bon nuit.

0:18:450:18:47

Where will you sleep now?

0:18:490:18:51

-Oh, I...hadn't thought of that.

-You can't sleep in there.

0:18:520:18:56

Oh, no, no, no, I can't. I definitely can't.

0:18:560:18:59

Well, you could always sleep in my room.

0:18:590:19:01

That's very kind of you. Where would you sleep?

0:19:010:19:03

I would be in there too.

0:19:030:19:04

Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't possibly impose, no.

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I'll just lay down here.

0:19:070:19:10

-That wouldn't be very comfortable.

-I can manage.

0:19:100:19:12

-Well, quite draughty.

-Oh, I don't mind draughts.

0:19:120:19:15

All right then, good night.

0:19:150:19:17

I worry it's a potential fire hazard.

0:19:170:19:19

Come on, then.

0:19:190:19:20

-STOMACH GURGLES

-Was that you?

0:19:210:19:24

I didn't hear a thing.

0:19:240:19:26

Probably the plumbing.

0:19:270:19:29

Well, this is my bed. Klebb would have slept there.

0:19:420:19:46

-They're very close.

-It would have been fine.

0:19:460:19:48

-She is a lesbian.

-Well, just because she's a lesbian,

0:19:480:19:51

it doesn't mean she finds me attractive.

0:19:510:19:53

I think all lesbians would find you attractive.

0:19:530:19:55

-I think you'd be right up their alley.

-Oh. Thank you.

0:19:550:19:58

No, thank you.

0:19:580:19:59

So how do you want to do this?

0:20:050:20:06

Will there be talking or go straight to bed, or...?

0:20:060:20:09

Oh, well, I'm quite tired so I'll probably go straight to bed.

0:20:090:20:12

Yeah. I'll probably just give my underarms a once-over with a flannel

0:20:120:20:15

and then I'll join you. Well, not join you.

0:20:150:20:18

I'll lie down on my bed, there.

0:20:180:20:20

Would you like to use my toothbrush?

0:20:200:20:22

-I would very much, yes.

-OK, then.

0:20:220:20:25

But it's not hygienic, so, best not.

0:20:250:20:27

Right. Well, I will just do mine, then.

0:20:270:20:29

Do you mind holding on for a moment?

0:20:290:20:33

I just need to use your toilet. It's a matter of some urgency.

0:20:330:20:36

You might want to pop the radio on.

0:20:370:20:40

Argh!

0:20:430:20:45

Aaaah!

0:20:460:20:48

Should've had the nuggets.

0:20:500:20:52

What are you doing here?

0:20:530:20:54

Seducting Postern. What're you doing here?

0:20:540:20:57

I'm just using her toilet.

0:20:570:20:59

She...

0:20:590:21:01

She asked me to share her...

0:21:010:21:04

Argh!

0:21:040:21:05

Oh, crack a window, mate!

0:21:070:21:08

You've got to leave. Now.

0:21:080:21:10

-I'm not going anywhere.

-Oh, yes, you are!

0:21:100:21:12

If Sarah finds you in here, she's going to be furious with you.

0:21:120:21:16

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:21:160:21:17

Is everything all right in there? I can hear voices.

0:21:170:21:19

Yes, it's fine, thank you. Everything's under control.

0:21:190:21:22

Arrrghhh.

0:21:220:21:24

Oh, that is rank!

0:21:240:21:26

I don't know what's going on in here,

0:21:320:21:35

but you need to get out of my bath.

0:21:350:21:37

And you...

0:21:370:21:39

need to go down to reception and ask if they have any scented candles.

0:21:390:21:43

Arrrghhh!

0:21:460:21:48

Oi, Barber, you in there?

0:22:010:22:03

SNORES KNOCK AT DOOR

0:22:030:22:06

Barber!

0:22:060:22:08

TOILET FLUSHES

0:22:090:22:10

All sorted.

0:22:120:22:13

Probably best to still leave it for a bit.

0:22:150:22:16

-You were showing off having those moules, weren't you?

-No.

0:22:160:22:20

-Yeah, you were.

-No.

-You were a bit.

0:22:200:22:22

A little bit, yes.

0:22:220:22:24

So, I'll just, er...get into bed.

0:22:260:22:29

Yes.

0:22:290:22:30

Into that bed, there.

0:22:300:22:32

Yes. Get into that bed, there.

0:22:320:22:34

Righto.

0:22:340:22:36

There we are.

0:22:390:22:41

Keith?

0:22:560:22:58

Yes?

0:22:590:23:00

Argh. Excuse me.

0:23:000:23:02

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Sarah!

0:23:250:23:27

Open this door now!

0:23:270:23:29

-I shouldn't be in here, should I?

-No, no.

0:23:320:23:35

-Open up!

-Where should I...?

0:23:350:23:37

I'm coming, Gareth! Just get somewhere where he can't see you.

0:23:370:23:40

Good morning, Gareth.

0:23:460:23:47

-I've been molested.

-Pardon?

0:23:470:23:50

Someone has helped themselves to me...sexually.

0:23:500:23:54

I woke up this morning,

0:23:540:23:55

my clothes were ripped off, my pants was halfway up my jacksie.

0:23:550:23:58

Oh, I am so sorry.

0:23:580:24:00

I'm sure nothing untoward has happened.

0:24:000:24:02

Have you seen Keith anywhere?

0:24:020:24:04

Um, is he not... Um, is he not with you?

0:24:040:24:06

No. I just hope the pervert hasn't violated him as well.

0:24:060:24:09

I think there's probably some explanation for all this.

0:24:090:24:13

I'm sure there's no pervert.

0:24:130:24:15

Urgh!

0:24:150:24:16

You?

0:24:230:24:24

Morning.

0:24:240:24:26

We must leave this place.

0:24:290:24:31

-Immediately!

-What?

0:24:310:24:33

We haven't been to the square yet.

0:24:330:24:35

Or either of the ports.

0:24:350:24:36

None of us are safe here.

0:24:360:24:38

We must leave this place - now!

0:24:380:24:40

Pack your bags! This trip is over!

0:24:410:24:44

Quick! Get on the coach! We're going home.

0:24:460:24:50

I need a drink.

0:24:550:24:57

MR BARBER SOBS

0:25:160:25:18

What's happened?

0:25:210:25:23

Come on, let's get you home.

0:25:230:25:25

Oi! Oi!

0:25:430:25:46

Oi, stop the bloody coach!

0:25:480:25:51

Under-age drinking, an all-night party,

0:25:550:25:58

a half-naked teacher in the car park,

0:25:580:26:02

another too drunk to stand.

0:26:020:26:03

And a very serious allegation of a teacher being molested.

0:26:040:26:08

That's right. I was...tampered with.

0:26:080:26:11

Yeah, and he came in and spied on me while I was having a bath.

0:26:110:26:15

That's not fair, what happened was I urgently needed to use

0:26:150:26:17

Miss Postern's lavatory and it wasn't until

0:26:170:26:19

I'd unbuttoned my trousers and brought them down and sat...

0:26:190:26:22

I think you're making it worse for yourself.

0:26:220:26:25

Ms Baron, you have to believe us, nobody was molested.

0:26:250:26:28

I don't know what to believe.

0:26:280:26:30

Mr Barber had... a few too many drinks

0:26:300:26:33

and myself and Mr Church helped him undress.

0:26:330:26:37

Unfortunately, his underpants came down with his trousers...

0:26:370:26:40

We tried to pull the underpants back up.

0:26:400:26:42

-But they went right up into his...

-That's quite enough, thank you.

0:26:420:26:46

There will be no more school trips in the foreseeable future.

0:26:460:26:50

You may all leave.

0:26:500:26:51

Look, well, I'm sorry, but I think that is a real shame.

0:26:520:26:55

Especially for all those children

0:26:550:26:57

who were really looking forward to seeing Dieppe.

0:26:570:26:59

It's a shit-hole. Leave.

0:26:590:27:01

I'm so sorry.

0:27:140:27:16

Oh, don't be.

0:27:160:27:17

The whole trip was a complete and utter disaster.

0:27:170:27:20

I loved it.

0:27:200:27:22

-Why?

-Because I got to spend time with you.

0:27:220:27:25

Did you... enjoy spending time with me?

0:27:280:27:30

-Hmm...

-A little bit?

0:27:300:27:32

-Hm.

-Tiny bit?

0:27:320:27:34

-Well...

-Sure?

0:27:340:27:35

-Hm.

-You did, didn't you?

0:27:350:27:37

I did, yes.

0:27:370:27:38

# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it

0:28:030:28:09

# When we said we'd never change

0:28:110:28:13

# Well, we never stopped to think about it

0:28:130:28:16

# No, we're not the same

0:28:180:28:22

# But let's not break the chain

0:28:220:28:25

# We should play this game together. #

0:28:250:28:29

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