Episode 5 Big School

All right. Settle... Settle down, please.

Now, here we have luminol...

Let go, Pat. Pat, let go.

And here,

we have hydrogen peroxide -

two very dangerous liquids, but...

combined, something rather special happens. ..Ah!

Mr Hubble! Just in time.

If you could, er, dim the lights for us, please? Thank you.

So, watch very carefully.

I'm pouring now...

There!

And that's chemiluminescence.

So, what is chemiluminescence

and how does it work?

Well, when the two liquids combined,

there was this luminous effect.

How is it achieved?

Well, if you look to your...

LOUD THUD

Mr Hubble?

SOFT GUITAR MUSIC

Mr Hubble?

# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it

# When we said we'd never change

# Well, we never stopped to think about it

# No, we're not the same

# But let's not break the chain

# We should play this game together. #

TUNE IS WHISTLED

YELLING AND SHOUTING

-Should I, um...?

-No, no, it's all right. Let me.

I'm used to handling this sort of thing.

Stop fighting! Oh, my God, stop fighting!

That's really dangerous!

They do still seem to be fighting.

I haven't finished yet.

I said, stop fighting! I said, stop!

-Best if you don't help them.

-I don't think anyone saw.

Can we just pop to the staff room and have a coffee and a biscuit?

-Oh!

-There's no biscuits left! Oh...

-A tenner says the spotty one wins.

Shut it!

You two, my office, now!

What have you got to say for yourselves?

Tina started it. She called me a slag.

She IS a slag, Miss.

That may well be the case.

Tina is a total slag.

Let's just agree that you're both slags.

But put that aside, this type of barbarism is utterly objectionable.

OK. I'll put this in terms you understand.

You startin' a ting? Are you startin' a ting?

Cos if you's startin' a ting, I'mma bust you up.

Dis ain't no joke. I'm a cold-ass biatch.

A thugged up, gangbangin' hustla.

One mo battle, yo headin' for the dirt nap.

Right back up your ass. You get me?

Now, get out of mi house!

INTERCOM BEEPS

Daphne, wagwan with Ofsted?

Oh, sorry... What's going on with Ofsted?

-There you go.

-Oh, thank you.

Is that beef and onion soup?

Mm. No coffee left.

But on the up side, I did find some bourbons.

Sorry you had to witness that today.

Must have been quite a shock for you.

Oh, what, that? No, that was nothing.

Fights were a daily occurrence at my last school.

Well, sadly, here at Greybridge, they can be twice-daily.

That was a little disagreement, compared to what I'm used to.

Yeah, well, normally, they are a lot worse than that.

Well, I'm ready for it. Probably cos I speak their language.

It's no wonder these children fight. I mean, what chance do they have?

Gang culture, violent video games.

Plus, the internet is awash with pornography -

some of it utterly degrading.

-MR GUNN:

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, normally, you have to put

your credit card details in for that particular type of grot.

Trevor, this is not a joke.

Some of this pornography can be very dangerous.

No, tell me about it.

The other night, my mum came home early from bingo -

nearly dropped me laptop in the bath.

-Oh...

-Don't worry,

her stairlift bought me an extra 45 seconds.

Trust me, that was plenty.

I mean, how the man became a teacher, I'll never know.

I mean, he claims he went to a university,

but it was still a polytechnic when he went there.

Why have you stopped?

-Thought you might like to sponsor me.

-Oh!

An Ironman. Wow!

-Very impressive.

-Well,

maybe it is, maybe it isn't, not really for me to say.

But one of my friends said she was doing it, so I just thought,

"Well, yeah, why not? How hard can it be?"

Really quite hard. That's why they call it an Ironman.

It's the toughest of all the metals.

Hm, no, it's just a good opportunity to get fit.

I think you need to be quite fit to start.

It's only a bit of running!

And cycling and swimming.

And cycling and swimming!

Is it?

-Mm.

-Is it?

-Yes.

-She didn't tell me that.

Well, best of luck with it.

Yeah, I start training today, going running at lunchtime.

When's the challenge?

It's a week on Saturday.

Put me down for £1.

Trying to get rid of the wobbly bits?

Haven't got any wobbly bits.

Couple of tips learnt from the Olympics.

Number one - do blade-hands when you run.

Two - be Jamaican.

Sorry, can't help you with the second one.

What are you doing the running for?

I'm actually in training for an Ironman event.

Blimey, that's brave.

Uh... I thought, "Why not?"

It's just a bit of running, cycling and swimming.

I could train you up, if you like.

I'm actually all right, thank you.

Are you sure? It's a tough event.

It's getting on the bike in, er... in wet trunks that I couldn't hack.

-I thought that was a different day.

-No. No, all on the same day.

2½K swim, 110K bike ride, and then...

a marathon.

What, all in my wet bikini?

Well, you'll dry off a bit during the run.

I might need a little bit of help.

INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

Right, settle down, everyone!

Now, following the incident with Mr Hubble yesterday,

the new Acting Head of Science is Mr Church.

Sit down... This morning, I have spoken to Mr Hubble's mother,

and she has assured me Mr Hubble will be back teaching very soon.

The main topic of this morning's assembly is violence.

But the message doesn't seem to be getting across. Tina! Beyonce!

-(Push off!)

-So Mrs Klebb

has set up a new action group.

Come along for free squash and biscuits any afternoon this week

to the drama block for a meeting of my new anti-violence group.

Stop Pupils Arguing Fighting Forever!

SPAFF for short.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

-Why were they all laughing?

-Oh, I've no idea.

Look, I know we haven't always got on,

but I really like what you're doing with SPAFF.

Thank you.

And this could be big. SPAFF could really fly.

Yes! I want SPAFF on T-shirts, baseball caps,

lunchboxes. This campaign's not just for kids,

it can be for everyone.

We've all got people we'd like to thump,

but it'd be a lot better if we all just made friends.

Yes. Anything I can do to help spread SPAFF?

Well, in the spirit of things, you could make amends with Trevor.

No.

This is exactly what SPAFF is all about.

I don't like him.

It doesn't matter. Why don't you be the bigger person?

Hm? Just go and shake his hand.

Trevor?

-What?

-I know we haven't always seen eye to eye,

but I wondered if we could just... shake hands and be friends?

-Well done, you two!

-On one condition.

-Oh, here we go.

-You desist from

-these exercise sessions with Sarah.

-Yeah, all right. No problem, mate.

-Thank you.

-Once I've done sex with her...

-..balls deep.

-Oh...

And, for heaven's sake, wash your hands!

Not sitting by your girlfriend today?

Oh, it's early days. She's not quite my girlfriend.

But, no, Sarah's actually out training for her Ironman challenge.

Word of advice, Church - whatever you do, don't get close to a woman.

They all let you down in the end.

And they sell all your stuff in a car-boot sale.

I hardly think that's going to happen with Sarah.

Then whatever you do, don't turn around.

They're a proper tease.

Miss Postern is not a tease.

Oh, yeah. She knows what she's doing.

Cavorting there with a sex man.

What's a sex man?

A man who has sex...regularly.

-Blade-hands, remember.

-Oh, yeah.

Hello, you two!

Oh, no.

What are you doing here?

Just out for my usual lunchtime jog.

Oh. Why are you in your vest and pants?

Forgot my kit today.

Let's pick up the pace.

Change direction!

Well done, Sarah. That's today's session almost over.

Wow! Thank you. That was great.

What was that, about five miles?

-No, half a mile.

-Was it? OK.

Well, I suppose you just build up to it, don't you?

Half a mile, one mile...

26 miles.

Right, you go and get yourself soaped off.

I'll pop in to make sure you're showering properly, yeah?

I'm joking!

He's not joking, he's a sex man!

Why are you in your pants?

Oh, I needed to wash them as well.

So easier if I keep them on, saves time.

My word!

What's the matter? You never seen a huge donger before?

I wouldn't say it was huge, but it's definitely ample.

Do you want to take a photo? It'll last longer.

I need to speak to you about Sarah.

Too late, mate. I'll be third base by Friday night.

I think you're very much mistaken,

cos me and her are already at fourth base

and we're making inroads into fifth.

There is no fifth.

-What's fifth?

-We're both men of the world.

I don't need to spell it out to you.

But I'd appreciate it if you'd back off, mate!

Fair play to you. Didn't know you had it in you.

Yes. Well, I do have it in me.

Are you not going to take those pants off?

Oh, no, they'll dry quicker on.

HAND-DRYER BUZZES

HE WHISTLES

Churchy shagged Postern. Pass it on.

Churchy shagged Postern. Pass it on.

Churchy shagged Postern. Tweet it.

I want you to know I'm so bloody proud of you lot.

I really bloody am.

I'm sorry I keep bloody swearing, but that's the truth.

You are star pupils, every single one of you.

Just promise me one thing, right?

You never, ever let anybody tell you that you are not winners -

not your teachers, not your parents, not your bitch of a wife -

because you are all winners.

Winner. Winner. Winner. Winner.

When I was a kid, my teachers told me I was a loser.

You know what they predicted I'd get for my A-level Geography?

An E.

An E.

I thought, "No, it's not up to you what I get, it's up to me."

I worked bloody hard.

I stayed up all night revising, revising, revising.

And I worked and I worked and I worked -

and d'you know what grade I got in the end?

-Was it an A, sir?

-No.

-B?

-No.

-E?

-No!

I got a C.

Well, actually, it was a D,

but my mam asked them to take into account

I was going through some personal problems at home

but, you know, they... they marked me up. But, anyway...

these teachers, they said I didn't know anything about Geography.

Well, look at me now.

I'm bloody teaching it. Top of the world, eh?

Now, you get there, into that exam hall, and you believe in yourselves.

Cos you are all winners,

and I am looking at the Geography teachers of tomorrow.

Well, I ain't going to be a Geography teacher, sir.

Dare to dream!

Now, let's get out there and kick some Geography arse!

Remember, the questions...

Read all the questions.

Just remember to read the questions.

Good luck.

The time now is two o'clock.

You have exactly two hours.

Turn over your papers...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

..now.

-(Good luck!)

-Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh!

You haven't taught us any of this.

What?

Oh, no...

I taught you the GCSE syllabus.

-What the hell are we going to do?

-Ssh-ssh!

It'll be fine.

(What's going on?)

Er, nothing, it's, er...fine. It's all, er... It's all fine.

There's a pencil sharpener malfunction.

It's, er... Ahem...

It's all under control.

(Well, keep the chatter to a minimum.)

-Yes.

-Ssh!

HE MOUTHS

Churchy...

You know, there's no need for us both to be here.

Why don't you nip off early and...pop to the shops, or...?

I won't tell anyone.

HE WHISPERS: I think the examination board would take a dim view of that.

Besides, I love invigilating.

The silence. The tension.

The pacing up and down the rows of worried faces.

It's what teaching's all about.

HE MOUTHS

(Question one.)

HE MOUTHS

Ahem...

La guitare.

Anyone like to take a guess?

La...guitare.

It's the guitar. All right, let's have another one.

Les bongos.

Bon...gos.

Bongos!

Oh, come on! It's bongos.

All right, one more.

Le tambourin.

Le tambourin...

You've actually seen me play this one in assembly.

-I thought you played the church organ, Miss.

-En francais.

Don't know any French.

Do you kneel down at church, Miss?

-What does that mean?

-Miss, have you had a tug on the church bell?

THEY LAUGH

-Miss? Miss?

-Yes, Craig?

Have you done sex with Mr Church?

THEY GROAN

What?! Right, look...

Keith and I... Mr Church and I are work colleagues and friends.

Where has this come from?!

Churchy told Gunn he's shagged you!

THEY LAUGH

S'il vous plait, er, passer a une lecture privee.

What?

Just do some private reading.

(Question...)

HE MOUTHS

(Power.)

-Mr Church!

-Ssh!

(Mr...Church!)

(That's better.)

How dare you make me look like some kind of skank!

-A what?

-A skank.

-A ho.

-What?

A sex lady.

I've absolutely no idea,

and please keep your voice down - it's exam conditions.

Oh, I think you know perfectly well.

You told Trevor that we had had sex.

And we have not had sex.

PUPILS CHATTER

HE MOUTHS

Can I have some more paper, please, sir?

HE MOUTHS

Gunn's in the house! Ssh!

All right, Gareth, you can piss off now.

No, you're all right. I'll stay, if you don't mind. I...

-I absolutely love this.

-All right...

I'll be in the computer room.

(You're not going anywhere!)

Get off me, you big, fat gayer.

HE CHUCKLES

(What I told you about Sarah, in the shower, was in strict confidence!)

-I only told Year Nines.

-You're a great big shitting shit!

Don't poke me, you twat!

I'll poke you as much as I like! And keep your voice down.

Agh! Agh! Agh!

THEY GROAN AND GRUNT

Aargh!

Sorry, I don't know the rest myself.

-Oh, God...

-HE SOBS

I think we've proved here today, through friendship and squash,

that violence has no place at Greybridge.

DOOR BANGS

YELLING

Keep up the good work, Mrs Klebb.

All right?

Please stop spreading silly rumours about teachers.

There really is no drama to speak of.

They're fighting! Keith and Trevor - they're fighting!

-What?!

-Sarah, they're fighting over you.

I'm sorry, but I've got men fighting over me!

And that's not a rumour, it often happens,

and you can spread that one.

You carry on. I'll alert the Head.

EXCITED CHATTER

-PUPILS YELL ENCOURAGEMENT

-Stop fighting!

Stop fighting! Stop fighting over me!

Oh!

Oh! He's hit me! He's hit me!

-He's hit me!

-EXCITED CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

Agh!

-Let me have it!

-I'll do it!

-I'll do it!

-I'll do it!

You do it!

CLOCK TICKS

This is a new low for the school.

And, believe you me, we have had some quite startling lows.

What an example to set to the children! Fighting...

in an exam!

-He started it.

-Well, I think you'll find

Mr Gunn started it when he told the entire school

that I'd slept with Sarah Postern.

Well, have you slept with her?

I'd rather not say.

-INTERCOM BEEPS

-Daphne, send her in.

DOOR OPENS

Have you had sexual relations with this man?

No!

That'll be all.

Why did you tell me you had?

Well?

I don't know.

HE SCOFFS

You're no better, Mr Gunn, spreading idle gossip.

What have you got to say for yourself?

-HE MUMBLES:

-Sorry.

What? I didn't hear that.

Sorry.

And what about you, Mr Church?

-Are you sorry?

-Yes.

Well, say it, then.

HE MUMBLES

Properly.

Sorry!

Now say it to each other.

THEY SIGH

THEY BOTH MUMBLE: Sorry.

Right. Now get out of my sight.

Hey...

No hard feelings, eh, mate?

Oh. Nice to have you back, Mr Hubble.

Bum bandit.

We're going to France.

-Why do you want to go to Dieppe?

-Shag Postern.

You could always sleep in my room.

-MS BARON:

-No drinking, no smoking, and no holiday romances

with dirty Frenchmen.

Well, the children will, of course, be supervised at all times.

I wasn't talking about the children.

-MISS POSTERN:

-Bonjour!

S'il y a des problemes et je ne suis pas au bureau, sonnez.

A little bit slower?

Someone has helped themselves to me...sexually.

Oh, dear.

# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it

# When we said we'd never change

# Well, we never stopped to think about it

# No, we're not the same

# But let's not break the chain

# We should play this game together. #