Episode 1 Big School

Morning, Sarah! First day back.

Can I offer you a lift?

No, thanks, Keith, it's quite near.

Still, be quicker in the car. Hop in.

Pop your seat belt on.

SOFT GUITAR MUSIC AND WHISTLING

And here we are.

Thank you for the lift.

Sarah, I just wanted to say,

it's a shame our dinner over the holidays didn't work out.

It's not nice for a woman to be stood up.

I didn't stand you up. Who could've known the town

-had two Bella Italias?

-I did give you the address.

Yes, but I saw a Bella Italia in the town square

-and presumed you'd got the address wrong.

-I didn't get it wrong.

-Well, you could've got it wrong.

-But I didn't get it wrong.

-You got it wrong.

-So, did you enjoy your meal?

Of course I didn't! I wasn't going to sit there on my own all night!

Yes, I just had the bread and dips while I was waiting.

Then I had the spaghetti carbonara followed by the tiramisu.

After the cheese selection, I assumed you weren't coming,

so I just had a coffee and some of those little almond biscuits.

Sounds like you had a very nice evening(!)

Yes, and it was very reasonably priced. We should go again.

Same restaurant or separate ones?

-Same one this time.

-Hmm. We'll see.

Well done, all! See you in September!

Notice anything different about me today, babes?

-Are you wearing deodorant?

-No, it's my natural musk.

Here, look.

Tie, shirt. Oh - what's this?!

-Oh, yes, you're reading a book.

-Yeah, and why's that?

Cos I'm going up in the world, babes. I'm not just the PE teacher

any more. No, no, from today I'm also teaching joegraffy.

-Geography.

-Here, look.

Who knew clouds were full of rain? Oosh!

-Oh!

-HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Excuse me, Jo.

So...what happened to Gareth?

Haven't you heard? Barber's gone mental.

You can't say that any more.

-Yes. He had a nervous episode.

-Which made him go mental.

I think the pressure of teaching finally got to him.

And I shouldn't say this, but they found him

crawling round the playing fields at night, naked from the waist down.

Thank you, Janine, that is not a pleasant image.

He had a soil thermometer wedged into his...

That's enough. Some of us are trying to enjoy a biscuit.

Poor, poor Gareth.

I know we'll all miss seeing his smiley face in here.

Morning.

-SHE MOUTHS:

-Let me speak to him.

I'm sorry?

-QUIET:

-Let me speak to him.

-I'm sorry?

-LOUD:

-Let me speak to him.

Oh, right, yeah.

-Hello, Gareth.

-All right.

How are you?

Fine.

How's your lunacy?

Shut up, Keith! You're being very insensitive!

-You're such a rude woman.

-I said shut up!

SOOTHING TONE: Now, Gareth...

hmm, there's no easy way to put this,

but you're not a teacher here any more.

I know. If anyone's making a cup of tea,

-I'll have one. Eight sugars.

-Right, let me have a crack.

Oi! Fruit loop! YOU, you don't work HERE, any more!

Eesh!

I do. I'm the new caretaker.

-Oh! Good for you!

-That's wonderful news, Gareth.

Cheers.

Polite note - they are teacher biscuits. Not for maintenance staff.

So, a very big Greybridge welcome to all the new pupils

who have joined us this year.

As your headmistress, I offer you one word of friendly advice -

cross me and I will destroy you.

-Miss, um...

-Postern. Been here a year.

-You asked for it, you got it!

-School disco, miss?

-Uh-uh-uh.

-Paintballing?

-Uh-uh-uh.

-No more French lessons?

-LAUGHTER

-No. This Friday, I have

organised a careers day!

So I'll be pulling together a careers posse

and we will be running workshops in the morning,

and in the afternoon, the big finale -

a special celebrity guest is going to be

coming in and talking to us about their career.

-Is it Will Smith?

-No.

-Is it Jay-Z?

-No.

-Katy Perry?

-It's someone quite well-known

-but not as well-known as that.

-Rihanna?

Can I just say, lower your expectations.

So, I hope to see you all at three o'clock on Friday.

-Is it Kim Kardashian?

-Please stop.

-Is it one of the Kardashians?

-No!

-Better not be Justin Bieber.

-It's not Justin Bieber.

My brother's mate reckons they saw Nicki Minaj in Nando's on Saturday.

-Is it Nicki Minaj, miss?

-It's not Nicki Minaj, no.

I'm going to just tell you who it is.

It is - drum roll please - Fenella Forbes.

MURMURING

-Who?

-She's an author.

Whitney the Witch? Whitney the Witch Casts a Spell?

-PUPILS: Aww...

-Whitney the Witch and the Cat of Aznabar?

We were at college together,

and she's very kindly agreed to come and speak to you guys.

Now, I'm going to hand you over to your music teacher,

Mr Martin, who has some very exciting news about his own career.

Cheers.

So...

over the holidays I've recorded my debut single. And, er...

Cheers, yeah.

And, er, it's out today

on a little website you might have heard of, called iTune.

PUPILS: Ooh. It's going to be big.

So, let's face it - probably going to be my last week here...

Keep it together, Luke.

Anyway, the song is called, quite simply... Soar.

That's S-O-A-R, not S-O-R-E. Or S-A-W.

Bit weird to write a song about a saw.

Or any kind of tool, really. OK, let's do this.

BACKING TRACK PLAYS

# I see the same old faces every day

# Every time I look, they're getting old and grey

# Well, it's a dead-end job in a dead-end place

# And my life is not going to go to waste!

# I'm going to soar

# Grow my wings and fly and I'm going to soar

# Burn my suit and tie and I'm going to soar

# Wave these suckers goodbye, I'm going to soar

# Bye-bye

# Bye-bye. #

Bye-bye.

PUPILS: Whoo!

WOLF WHISTLES

Morning. Is she in?

Is who in?

-The headmistress.

-Right, yeah.

In where?

-In the office.

-Probably! Unless she's just climbed out the window again.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Don't come in.

Morning, headmistress.

-Oh, it's you. Let me finish my tea.

-Just doing the bins.

Ah.

Half a sticky bun in there.

-Are you not having it?

-No!

-It's been there since last term!

-It's a bit dry.

Anyway, I just wanted to say...

-Do you mind if I sit?

-Yes, I do mind.

I just wanted to say a big thanks for giving me a second chance

after my...interlude.

Well, sadly, these days one can't sack someone for going...

SHE CACKLES MANIACALLY

-No. No. Else I'd have been out of a job years ago.

-Mmm.

I won't lie to you, headmistress,

I've been going through a tough time of it.

I think it all started...

Would you mind having this conversation outside?

Of course.

It all started when the wife changed the locks.

She sold all my stuff on eBay and forced me

to live in a caravan at the bottom of the garden.

CHATTER

Right, Gunn's in the house!

There's a lot of different classrooms in this school, ain't there?

Right...joegraffy.

Rain comes down from the clouds, turns into sea.

Wind blows it back up again - water cycle. Boom!

Right, what else do you need to know for your CGCSEs?

Mr Barber was going to teach us about the Ice Age.

Right, the Ice Age. Ice Age... A while back, weren't it?

Nippy. It's a lot of black ice - that's lethal.

I mean, that's what killed the dinosaurs.

-You don't know anything about it, do you, sir?

-I do, actually!

Hang on a minute, I'll have a little, um, little think.

Ahem. Ice Age.

Right - it's a sloth, a woolly mammoth, a sabre-tooth tiger,

all team up in a... No, hang on, that's not right.

Right, the Ice Age was a period of reduced...

..global temperature resulting in the expansion

of polar ice sheets and glaceers.

There you go, nailed it!

Eh? Come on then, throw another one at me!

BELL RINGS

Thanks for coming. See you again.

Knock-knock-knock!

-You all right, babes?

-Oh, look at you! You look like a proper teacher.

No, I am a proper teacher. This is my classroom.

-Do you want a quick tour?

-Yeah.

Coastal erosion.

-That's an oxbow lake...

-Mm, yeah!

Cross section of a Babybel.

Yeah...

-You at all interested in the Ice Age?

-Not especially.

Of all the ages, it's, er, it's probably my favourite.

Hmm. It's a bit boring.

I just wondered if you wouldn't mind

putting up one of my posters in your classroom?

No, of course, babes. "Which Way Now?"

Yeah, you know, just thought I'd brand the day.

Hopefully get it trending on Twitter. #sarahposternswhichwaynow.

Yeah.

No, I mean, I'd be up for one of your workshops.

-You?

-Well, yeah.

-Well, um, actually nobody has

put their name down for the CV workshop.

Well, you count me in. I'd love to learn about CVs.

-Yeah, teaching it.

-Oh, you know, no, I knew that.

Er, Sarah, can I have a word?

-I'm right here.

-In private.

SHE SIGHS

Yeah, no, it's fine, cos, um...

cos I've got some joegraffy marking to do.

What is it, Keith?

I just feel I should be doing the CV workshop with you.

It's too late, I've already asked Trevor.

-I want to be part of your careers posse!

-If you're doing this

-to get back into my good books...

-No, no, I genuinely think

what you're doing with this careers day is inspirational.

Well, teaching is just a tiny part of what Sarah Postern does.

-You are Sarah Postern.

-I know.

These kids are at a crossroads.

Do they carry on with their education,

-or do they go and get a job?

-It's more of a T-junction.

But if there's anything I can do to help on Friday,

anything at all, just let me know.

Well...

I still need someone to take part in the job interview role play...

-Yes!

-..with Janine.

-No!

-Why?

You know her and I don't get on.

I try and take the moral high ground, but she is a total cow!

Right, just forget it, Keith, OK?

I will find somebody else to help me.

Someone who actually cares about these young people's futures.

HE MIMICS KNOCKING ON DOOR Please come in.

Stop. Now, I didn't tell him to sit down.

And in a job interview, that would be a complete no-no.

Please go out and come back in again.

He didn't close the door.

-Come in!

-I hadn't knocked yet - obviously that's a complete no-no.

If you're interviewing someone for a job,

you have to wait for them to knock.

Come in.

Sit down.

-Good afternoon. I'm here about the job.

-Which job?

-I don't know.

-An even bigger no-no.

Always know which job you've applied for.

You never told me what job it was! She never told me.

Let's just say this is a bank

and you're applying for the position of bank clerk.

Tell me, what qualities do you have that would be suited

to the role of bank clerk?

Well, I'm equally comfortable working as an individual

-or as part of a team...

-Ring-ring! Ring-ring! Ring-ring!

Excuse me.

Hello, this is the bank, how can I help you?

No! Dead?!

Oh, but I only saw her this morning!

Well... she'll sleep with the angels now.

So, do you have any previous experience of working in a bank?

-Yes.

-Do you?

-Yes.

-What experience exactly?

I've actually been working in banks for the past 25 years,

where I've risen to the position of bank manager.

In fact, I've been voted Bank Manager of the Year

for the past five years running.

Well, then you are overqualified for the job, good day!

Right, let's end the scene there, shall we? Thank you both very much.

Your thoughts. Where do you think Mr Church went wrong?

I didn't go wrong, it was clear from the start I was

-never going to get the job.

-Miss, I think he made a bad first impression.

Yes, we've covered that, thank you.

Also, I think he's got an attitude problem, miss.

A bad attitude is the biggest no-no.

Well, you try it with her! See how you get on.

OK.

Come in!

Please sit down.

-Good afternoon.

-You've got the job!

Heard you ballsed up your workshop, Churchy.

-No. I should have got that job.

-Poor Sarah.

Pours her heart and soul into this careers...

thingy, then you come along and take a giant dump on it.

If anyone's going to take a giant...

deposit on today, it's you and your CV workshop.

I bet you don't even know what CV stands for.

-Yeah, I do.

-Go on, then.

-I'm going to go and get some dinner, going to run out of chips.

-No.

-Well, obviously the C stands for "careers".

-Go on.

V... Verdict... No.

-Voucher. Vasectomy.

-Careers vasectomy?

-That's your final answer?

-Can I phone a friend?

It's curriculum vitae.

I don't speak French.

Just an autograph or a selfie.

Sorry there's not time to do both. Selfie or autograph?

Actually, I just need to get to my locker.

Cool, cool. Just getting shizzle out of a locker.

Keeping it real. Fist bump.

OK, come on, get out of his way, get out of his way!

Wow, Mr Rock Star!

Yeah, to be honest this is the part of it I really hate.

-The fame.

-Yeah, that's the reason

I don't want to become famous - the fame.

Yeah, you're best off how you are. Completely anonymous.

Tell that to my 78 Twitter followers.

So, as it's your last day today, I have organised

a little drinks party for you in the staff room at four o'clock.

-Yeah, yeah, I'll try and swing by.

-It's a party for you.

-What time is it again and where?

-It's at four o'clock in the staff room.

Hmm...put me down as a maybe.

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-Well, it'll be a teensy bit embarrassing

for me if you don't come!

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Yes, but I'm quite famous now,

so I don't know if I want to come.

-But it is a party for you!

-OK, but I can't stay long.

Thank you!

-NORMAL VOICE:

-I'll see you later.

-NORMAL VOICE: Yeah, see you later.

-Are you all right there, Mr Hubble?

-These kippers are off.

KNOCK ON WINDOW

Oi! Lads!

Oh, hello, caretaker.

I'm starving. Haven't eaten since Tuesday, and that was a conker.

Could I borrow some of those fish fingers?

I've got none left.

Keith, please. I'm going to faint.

Just dunk it in the ketchup.

Careful of my fingers!

I'm ready for the next one now.

Right! It's time for my session with Sarah.

Er, maybe I should come and supervise.

Hang on, I haven't had dessert yet.

MR BARBER MUNCHES

First rule of CVs - don't be afraid to lie.

Oh, sorry - didn't want to stop you so soon...

-Just as I was getting going, babes.

-Mmm, just a small correction.

-You must never lie on a CV.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, you don't lie.

But, I mean, you can knock your grades up a little bit.

OK. Stop you again.

You must definitely never "knock your grades up a bit".

-Why not?

-Because it's wrong...

-and employers can check up on them.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

-Sorry, are you sure?

-I'm sure.

Bollocks. No, I'll say it was a typo.

Anyway, at the end of the day, it don't matter what your grades are.

The most important thing is you got a good hobby.

Not a boring one. So, you, what's your hobby?

-I play the violin.

-No, that's boring. What about you?

-Astronomy.

-So boring. What about you?

-I collect coins.

-We've all got change, mate, that's not a hobby.

But mine are from all around the world.

Well, get yourself down to Thomas Cook and they'll change 'em for you.

We need something exciting, something that'll get you a job!

-What you put down, babes, modelling?

-Oh.

Well, that's kind, but, um, no.

-You must've been quite fit when you were younger?

-Still am young.

Er...what did I put down?

Well, obviously, my extensive charity work, er...French cinema.

-Blueys?

-Art house films.

And I also put down that I speak five languages.

-Do you?

-Yeah!

All right, which ones?

-English.

-Well, yeah, obviously.

-French.

-Hmm. That's two.

Spanish.

German. And...

Chinese.

-You speak Chinese?

-Yes, it says so on my CV.

Go on, then - do a bit.

SHE SPEAKS UNCONVINCING FAKE CHINESE

Right. So it's all right to lie a bit.

PHONE RINGS

So! To bring careers day to a close, we now have a very special guest.

We were at teacher training college together, but she took

a different path to me and she now

writes very successful books for children...

-Young adults.

-Young adults.

-Selling over two million...

-Three million.

Three million books, please give a very big Greybridge welcome

to Fenella Forbes!

-Thanks for that little intro, Susan.

-Sarah.

Oh, sorry, there were two ginger ones at college

and I can never remember which one's which.

-Well, Susan was the fat one.

-Fatter, yeah.

So, first question.

What does it take to be a successful chil... Young adults' author?

-Very simple - an original idea.

-And what was yours?

A school for witches.

Hmm. It's quite similar to Harry Potter.

That's a school for wizards. Mine's a school for witches.

Oh, forgive me.

Question two - how did you get your big break as a writer?

Because a lot of it is luck, isn't it?

-I always say you make your own luck.

-That's what lucky people say.

-Well, my father-in-law ran a publishing company...

-Lucky!

He had a look and he said it was - in his own words -

the most original debut novel he'd ever read.

Obviously hadn't heard of Harry Potter.

-And the rest, as they say, is history.

-The Second World War

is history, this is really just a series of books for children.

-Young adults.

-Children.

-Are we going to

get on with the book signing or...?

No. Question three - how much money do you get for each book sold?

Er, it's not about the money at all,

it's about doing something you love.

-£1 a book?

-Bit more than that.

-That's obscene.

So there you are, kids, money isn't important,

according to the multi-millionaire.

So, let's open it up to your questions.

-Yes?

-In your next book, will Whitney the Witch get eaten

by the Dragon Headmistress?

The only way you'll find out is by buying the book.

Whitney's not going to be killed off, Nicholas,

not until every penny of your pocket money is in her bank account.

Next!

So will there ever be a Whitney the Witch film?

I think we'd all love to see Whitney

-on the big screen, wouldn't we? PUPILS:

-Yeah.

Hmm, you certainly would - buy yourself a well-earned yacht.

Anyone else?

Could I borrow £72,000?

LAUGHTER

Well, let's... Let's just wrap up, shall we?

-I do have one final question.

-Well, let's make it the last one.

Fenella, we both trained together but I just wondered,

do you ever regret not becoming a teacher?

-Well...

-Uh-uh-uh, let me finish.

Because every day in my job, I get to shape

young people's lives for the better.

Well, that's... Shh. Ahem.

And what could be more important than that?

Your answer, please.

Well, it's interesting you say that, because sometimes,

I do feel that being a teacher is the most important job you can do.

Thank you.

But then I think - what I do is so much more important.

Because I shape the lives of young people, but on a global scale.

Right, let's sign some books.

-Are you all right, Sarah?

-Oh. It's just been a difficult day.

Luke's leaving us to become a pop star.

Someone I was at teacher training college with

now has a Chanel handbag. And where am I?

I mean, all day it's been "Sarah Postern's Which Way Now?",

but it should've been "Which way now, Sarah Postern?"

-You are Sarah Postern.

-I know.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads...

a T-junction.

Should I carry on teaching...

or should I write a bestselling series of children's novels?

Carry on teaching.

Well...

-..I suppose I do have this gift for it.

-You really do.

Plus, I think you'd find writing the

bestselling series of children's novels quite hard.

But I know if you left,

you'd leave a massive hole in the hearts of everyone at Greybridge.

-Especially me.

-Thank you, Keith.

Hey! What are we all crying about?

LUKE: # I see the same old faces every day

ON CD PLAYER: # Every time I look, they're getting old and grey... #

'Scuse me, Jo.

# I'm going to soar... #

Yeah, I've been loving this careers day, Sarah.

Oh, good. That's good.

It's given me a clear idea of what I'd like to be.

-What's that?

-A wacky weatherman.

I think I'd be very good at cheering people up in the morning.

Good luck with that. Er, I have to go and mingle.

Oh, Miss Baron!

How wonderful that you're here, I really didn't expect you to come.

Sadly, I can't stay.

-Hello, Daphne.

-Hi, Sarah. Shame you're leaving us.

I know the headmistress can't stand you,

but I've always quite liked you.

It's actually Luke's leaving party.

Oh, right. That's a shame, she likes him.

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-Oh, here's the pop star!

-Can we not do the voice any more? It's quite annoying.

-Yeah.

Look, I just wanted to say good luck with everything.

And don't forget all your friends here at Greybridge!

Never forget the little people.

PHONE VIBRATES

-And...

-I've got to take this, it's my manager.

Should have a chart update.

Shh! It's his manager with a chart update!

Django! What's up?

No, just at some crappy party.

So, er, how's Soar doing?

-Nine?!

-Oh, my God, we have a pop star at the party!

He is number nine in the charts!

No. No, no... I've, um...

sold nine copies.

Django, what happened?! I gave you £700!

Right, we'll see you on Monday morning then...Barry Barlow.

-Nine copies.

-I know.

What a disaster.

Still, it's really perked me up.

Got your stratas.

And your big one there, they're just called big clouds.

We have a new teacher. And, yes, he just happens to be blind.

-It's Keith Church.

-Hi.

-And I'm in the dining hall.

-Yes, I realise that.

We all call her Piggy Postern

because she has an upturned nose like a pig.

Do you mind if I just...?

I think we should see Dr Dalton for what he is -

a cool teacher who just happens to be blind.

-Visually impaired.

-Visually impaired.

Just ease it backwards.

ENGINE ROARS

Bugger.

# When I think about the days there is something of a haze about it

# No, we're not the same

# But let's not break the chain

# We should play this game together. #