Episode 2 Big School

ENGINE ROARS, MUSIC BLARES

MUSIC STOPS

-All right, babes!

-That a new car, Trevor?

Yep. Fuel injection. ABS brakes.

Plenty of room to lie down in the back.

Wow. That's good to know.

Yeah, I bought it with the extra dosh I'm getting

-as joe-graphy teacher.

-Oh, right.

Oh, yes, Sarah, you want to watch out for me.

I'm now officially the school's most eligible bachelor.

Morning, Sarah!

Where's your shoe?

Oh, don't worry, it's in the car. I'll get it later.

You got your stratus...

..your cirrus...

..and your big one there.

They're just called "big clouds", really.

-Sir?

-What?

We've got our exams next week

and we still haven't covered loads of things on the syllabus.

All right, Eisenstein, what do you need to know?

Rainforests?

Nah, you don't need to learn about them any more.

I mean, you lot are lucky,

they've cut 'em all down to make your exercise books. What else?

-Map skills.

-No need.

Get yourself a TomTom. Whack in a postcode, boom! Job done.

It's better than a map because it tells you where

all the speed cameras are.

And we're meant to do a project on India.

Don't worry, sunshine, I've got that one covered.

Top Gear - India Special!

Oosh!

Right, ladies and gents,

take it away, Professor Clarkson.

Here y'are, watch and learn.

TOP GEAR THEME PLAYS

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Well, I have to say, Keith, you are...very clever.

Why's that?

Oh, you know, pretending today is just an ordinary day.

It is just an ordinary day.

Hah, poker face!

# P-P-P-P-P-P-Poker face! #

I hope you haven't put a lot of balloons everywhere

and got me a big cake because I'll be really embarrassed.

-I mean, you know I hate attention.

-Is it your birthday?

You!

HE PASSES WIND

Ooh, last night's prawn biryani.

Happy birthday!

-You forgot, didn't you?

-No. Actually...no. Just you wait.

-I am waiting.

-Well, just wait a little longer, please.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Trevor, you know the main teacher woman?

The headmistress?

Yeah, that's her. She wants to see you in her office right away.

-What for?

-I've been told not to say in front of everyone.

-Right.

-Cos you wouldn't want them all knowing that she's sacking you

as geography teacher.

-What?!

-Oh!

I shouldn't have told you.

Pretend you don't know, because I think she wants it to be a surprise!

So Mr Gunn and I have come to a joint decision

that he will step down as geography teacher

because he knows absolutely nothing about the subject.

Cos it's boring. "Oh, look! There's an urban conurbation."

-Who cares?

-So as of today

we have a new, and may I say strapping,

geography teacher, Dr Dalton.

And yes, he just happens to be blind.

APPLAUSE

I hadn't noticed.

I don't see the disability, I see the person.

Well, he has got a white stick.

Would you like to say a few words, Dr Dalton?

Oh, you're so thick...

..and veiny.

Oh! Has someone turned out the lights?

SHE GUFFAWS

Just my little joke.

No, but seriously, I'm really looking forward

to getting stuck into some geography with you guys.

And by the way, don't worry about the "Dr Dalton" thing -

just call me The Doc.

What's up, Doc?!

Cheers.

APPLAUSE

Er, can I just say, it's a certain French teacher's birthday today.

Oh, stop! I didn't want to make a big thing of it!

So I wondered if you'd all join me in a very big Greybridge rendition

of Happy Birthday.

ALL: # Happy birthday to you... #

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy Birthday, dear Miss Postern

# Happy Birthday

# To-o-o-o-o-o

# Y-o-o-o-o-ou

# Oooh. #

-Finished?

-Yep.

-Should have started earlier.

-Yeah, I realise that now.

-And it ended too high.

-Ditto.

-Is there a card?

Ooh! Just you wait and see!

-So, no.

-Not yet, no.

And, Keith, you look ridiculous. Get yourself a shoe.

-MR CHURCH:

-I can't fit it all in!

MR GUNN: Well, it's going to be tight.

It's making my eyes water.

Should it really be this painful?

Well, just relax a bit and it'll stretch.

Not sure I'll be able to walk properly.

Is everything all right, sirs?

Yes! Fine, thank you, Nicholas.

Jog on!

CHILDREN GIGGLE

-MISS POSTERN:

-La jambe.

Feminine.

Le bras. Masculine.

La jambe. Le bras. La jambe. Le bras.

La jambe. Le bras.

Why do we even need to learn French, miss?

So that when you go to France you can speak the language.

Who here's been to France?

Euro Disney?

I've been to Euro Disney, miss.

So! You've been to France.

No. I went to the one in Florida.

Right.

Someone here must have been to France.

Great! Olivia, where have you been in France?

Greece.

Greece is not in France, it's in Greece.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

OK! Great lesson.

Bon anniversaire! It's, er, French for...

Yes, I know.

-Shoe looks weird.

-Well, it was either that

or a red stiletto.

Here's your card!

Oh! Thank you.

-Hmm...?

-Oh...

Well, there we are, birthday's all done.

Hmm.

-What's the matter?

-Nothing.

It's just that when it's a member of staff's birthday,

I usually like to organise a gift.

You know, a scented candle, spa treatment...

front-row seats to Mamma Mia!

-Oh, I've got you a present.

-Have you?

-Yep.

-You sure about that?

-Positive.

-Where is it?

Well, I'm just trying to spread out the birthday fun for you, Sarah,

make it extra special. You had the singing this morning...

-Well...

-..just had the card.

-Yeah...

-And...you'll get the present at, erm...

-..at lunch.

-Oh! When at lunch?

-Early on at lunch, or...?

-Probably towards the end.

-Hmm.

-But just so we understand each other,

how much should this present that I've already bought you be?

It's not about the price, it's about the thought.

Between £50 and £100.

Right.

Ah! Trevor!

Just wondered if you fancied a coffee, tea,

glass of cool, refreshing milk?

-What you after now?

-I need you to move your car.

-No.

-I need to get to the shops to buy a birthday present for Sarah.

Oh, well, in which case...no.

-Move your car this instant!

-Can you not see? I am working!

-Please?

-Ah!

LAUGHS

Oosh!

It's a very funny bit by James May on the Robin Reliant.

Says it looks like a wheelbarrow. Utter class.

Just give me the keys and I'll move it.

Nobody...touches...my wheels.

-Hello, Caretaker.

-Hello, Keith.

-I've got a little job for you.

-Oh, I can't.

Got to get this floor done. I clean it, they walk on it,

I clean it, they walk on it, I clean it, they walk on it...

Well, stop whatever it is you're saying and help me.

It's a never-ending spiral of dirt...

There's a pound in it for you.

Me again.

I'm not moving my car.

So, did you, er, catch the game last night?

-What game?

-Er...

the football game.

Presumably there was some football on television somewhere.

Champions League, actually.

Didn't know you were into football, Churchy.

-Oh, yeah. I love the football.

-Who's your team?

-L...Liverpool.

-Good squad.

Mm.

Manchester United.

Manchester City.

-Chelsea.

-You can only have one team.

Leeds...Nottingham.

-Basingstoke...?

-They're not a team.

Mm.

Well, that's our football chat over!

Quite the expert, Churchy.

John Motson must be crapping himself.

And he probably is, actually. He is quite old.

OK, so just move it backwards a metre so I can jump into my car.

-Been a while since I've driven.

-Very gently, then.

Just ease it backwards.

ENGINE ROARS

-God...!

-Bugger.

Oh, God, what have you done? Forwards, forwards, forwards!

ENGINE ROARS

Bugger!

Go, that's enough! Get out before you cause any more damage.

Trevor's car's virtually a write-off.

-Do I still get my pound?

-No, you do not!

-I'm sorry to have let everyone down again.

-Yes!

ENGINE ROARS

That was your fault!

It's wonderful we've finally got a disabled teacher at the school.

I think it's wrong to focus on his disability.

I think we should see Dr Dalton for what he is,

a cool teacher who just happens to be blind.

-Visually impaired.

-Visually impaired.

And of ethnic origin.

Is he? I hadn't noticed.

Ooh, Doc! Hey, Doc, there's, um, there's a seat here.

Sorry, who's that?

It's Sarah. Sarah Postern, French department.

Five foot nine, slim build, strawberry-blonde hair.

Nice to meet you.

-Erm, let me help you with that.

-Thank you.

Erm...

..would you like to touch my face?

Erm...maybe later.

Is the food any good here?

Erm, it's OK, actually.

I mean, today I've just gone for a green salad,

because I like to maintain my slim, yet shapely, figure.

SHE CHUCKLES

That's the low-calorie salad dressing going on.

So, how long have you been working here?

Oh, erm, a year.

-A year. Er...

-The kids are lovely.

-Happy birthday!

-Ooh, it's you.

THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

Thank you.

And this is your birthday gift,

which I didn't just go out and buy, I actually bought quite a while ago.

Well, it's certainly very big.

Not as big as that cheeseburger!

He's pointing at someone else's lunch.

Dr Dalton, it's Keith Church, deputy head of science.

Hi.

And I'm in the dining hall.

Yes, I realised that.

And I've just brought in a very large birthday gift

-for Sarah Postern.

-Yes, we've covered that.

-Are you going to open it now?

-I'll open it later.

Oh, open it now!

Better wipe your fingers first.

Don't want to get ketchup all over it!

Sarah Postern's just opening the present now.

She's ripping through the paper with her hands.

Listen, you don't have to keep doing that.

Oh, it's no trouble.

La tour Eiffel!

La tour Blackpool.

La tour Eiffel.

-La tour Blackpool.

-La tour...

It's the Blackpool Tower, Keith.

Look, it's written there.

Are you blind?!

SHE MOUTHS

Just so you know,

it was Sarah Postern that made that inappropriate remark.

I don't mind.

Thank you.

Why did you get me a picture of the Blackpool Tower?

I was in a rush. I thought it was the Eiffel Tower.

I've obviously ruined your birthday.

No, you haven't. It's still a very nice picture.

And it wasn't cheap.

It was actually towards the upper end of your price range.

Well, that's very generous of you.

-It was £90.

-Don't need to know the exact price.

You said between 50 and 100,

and I could have spent 50, but I actually spent 90.

Because, Sarah...

you're worth it.

Thank you. That is very sweet.

So, are you two just colleagues, or is there more to it than that?

No. No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, come on, Sarah!

No, no.

No. No! No. No.

I think what Sarah's trying to say is yes and no.

No and no.

But, erm, thanks again, Keith. I'll, erm, see you in the staffroom later.

Yes, you will.

Well, er, nice to meet you properly, Dr Dalton.

-Just call me The Doc.

-Oh!

What's up, Doc?!

Yeah, I already made that joke earlier.

I'll leave that... leave that there for you.

And, er...

I'm just walking...

out of the canteen now, heading towards the door.

And I'm through the door.

And that's me gone.

I think he's got a thing for you.

Oh! They all do.

It's not easy being the youngest and most attractive woman at the school.

So...

my spies tell me you were having lunch with Piggy Postern.

Sarah?

We all call her Piggy Postern because she has an upturned nose,

like a pig.

I...didn't know that.

She's also got stumpy little hands like trotters.

SHE EXHALES

Cigarette?

HE COUGHS

Surely smoking's against the rules?

I make the rules, darling.

And then I break them.

Was there...something you needed to speak to me about, headmistress?

No.

I, er, really should get to my geography class.

Yes.

You bad, bad boy.

Let me see you out.

Oh. Erm... Just...

Er, excuse me... I'm just, er...

Oi!

What the hell's happened to my motor?

-It wasn't me.

-Well, who was it?

Who's done this to my wheels?

I-I-I couldn't say.

But he's the deputy head of science.

I'll kill him.

Bugger.

Oh! Hello, Trevor!

I'm going to kill you.

In fairness, I only took the bumper off.

I'm going to teach you a lesson, Churchy.

Ow!

Oh! Hello, Nicholas!

Tell 'em I'll be a bit late for badminton, Nicholas.

Ow! Ow!

Here we go.

Nice cup of tea.

Just what the doctor ordered!

Thank you!

So, um...

..don't take this the wrong way,

I would do this for any new teacher,

but do you fancy coming over on Saturday night for dinner?

Do you mind if I just...?

Oh! No.

I'd love to.

Oh! Great! I was thinking of doing some traditional French cuisine.

Hmm. Magnifique!

-Ooh! Tu parles francais?

-Mais oui!

So nice to have someone around here with a little bit of, er...

IN FRENCH ACCENT: ..sophistication.

French for "sophistication", right?

Is there anything you don't know?

THEY LAUGH

Hello!

Keith Church entering the staff room.

Morning, Keith.

Morning.

-Morning, Sarah.

-Good morning, Keith.

Doc, can I make you a cup of tea?

-Sarah just made me one, thanks.

-Oh!

Did she indeed?

I see the picture I bought you is still here.

-Yes, it is.

-Are you not going to take it home?

Well, it's quite big, so it's fairly difficult to carry.

I'll do it for you. I've got a roof rack.

Didn't know that about me, did you,

that I have a roof rack? I could pop it round on Saturday.

I'll stick it up.

What?

Well, once Churchy's dropped it round, he can sod off

and I'll get on with the banging.

Do not let him inside your house, Sarah.

Look, I'm not sure I want to put it up anyway.

But I thought you said you liked it.

You're going to have to do something with that monstrosity,

-because you can't leave it here.

-It is not a monstrosity. It was £90!

OK, look, erm...

why don't you drop it round on Saturday afternoon

and you can put it up?

Yeah, then you and me can get a party started, babes.

No. No parties starting.

I've actually got plans on Saturday evening.

So as soon as that picture goes up, you can both leave.

Both of us?

Yes, both of you.

Including me?

Including you.

So what about me?

You're early.

'Ello, missus. Need an 'andyman?

It's like the start of a porno, innit?

Yeah, but only the very start.

I brought you some Malibu.

Me mum's had a few swigs, but there's still plenty left.

I thought maybe we could have a little lie down,

chuck on some Smooth FM, you know, before Churchy gets here.

He's already been here two hours.

Well, he's very early!

Haven't you brought any tools?

Oh, right, yeah, the pic... No, I forgot about that.

That is why you are both here.

Well, Churcherella, get yourself down to Wickes.

No rush. Have a little browse, grab a coffee,

come back in a couple of hours.

No, you should go. I need to stay here and guard Sarah.

-No, you go.

-Right, you can both go.

Cock blocker.

ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS

Ow!

DRILLING

HAMMERING

CRASH

What you doing under there, babes?

Finished?

Yep.

Not going to fall on me?

-Er, shouldn't do.

-Right, well, thank you very much.

Off you go.

Any other odd jobs we can be getting on with while we're here?

No, no, I just need you to leave.

Oh, I could do with a quick cup of tea.

No, no tea for me. I'll just have, er, the Malibu.

OK, these aren't for you!

Well, who are they for, then?

I have a friend coming over to dinner.

Soon. So I'm very sorry, but I need you both to leave.

A female friend or...a male friend?

-It doesn't matter.

-Well, it does matter,

cos if it's a geezer I'm going to have me Malibu back.

Come on. Out!

DOORBELL RINGS

Right, you two...

just get out. Get out that way.

Get out.

That's nice, innit? Come round and do a bit of free DIY,

then it's, "Out you get, I've got a fella coming round to sex me up."

Well, I don't think anyone's going to be sexing anyone up.

-DR DALTON:

-So... have the Chuckle Brothers gone?

Yeah, yeah, don't worry.

Keith and Trevor left ages ago.

Erm, have a seat.

OK, there we go. Would you like a drink?

A large glass of this wine, please.

-And make sure you have some, too.

-Oh!

Thank you.

ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

Mm, mm, mm!

That was, as my uncle would say...

-IN WEST INDIAN ACCENT:

-..totally delicious.

Thank you.

Yes, it's from a Raymond Blanc cookbook.

I mean, I've just added a few of my own ideas, too.

Is everything OK? You seem a bit tense.

No! No, no, no, no. No. No, I'm fine.

May I...?

Oh!

It's so nice to...

spend some time alone together.

Oh!

Yes.

-Yes, it is.

-Is there any more of that wine?

No, I'm afraid we've drunk all the wine.

-I do have some Malibu, though.

-Ooh!

Malibu! Well, let's have some of that and move onto the sofa, huh?

Or the armchair.

Won't be a moment.

Don't be too long!

Oh, my God!

Happy birthday.

Like your present?

-This is Mr Church in the living room.

-What the hell?!

Trevor Gunn's here, an' all.

We're just making our way out of the living room.

We'll see you first thing Monday morning.

I'll have that back, an' all.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

MS BARON: ..and until the trampoline is returned,

there will be no more trampoline club.

And finally, due to some...unfortunate events

over the weekend...

Dr Dalton has decided not to return to the school.

CHILDREN: Oooh...!

Is there anything you'd like to add?

No...

Sure?

Yep.

It all seems very odd.

Yeah.

It does seem odd, doesn't it?

About Saturday night. I'm sorry that you had to see that.

Well, it was right in my eye line.

I mean the date. Well, I mean, it-it-it wasn't a date.

I just...thought he was sophisticated.

You know, I thought he was going to be different.

Oh, Keith, I made such a fool of myself.

Oh, Sarah, how were you to know he'd take off all his clothes

before you'd had a chance to serve the tarte tatin?

Or the cheese plate.

-Ooh, there was a cheese plate as well?

-Yeah.

-I suppose I got Dr Dalton very wrong.

-Just so you know...

not all us men are like that.

No. I know.

Well, I mean, Trevor is. He's worse.

He'd probably whip it out before the starter.

Let's just forget Saturday ever happened, shall we?

Good idea.

See you at lunch?

Oh! I look forward to it.

And I promise not to take off all my clothes!

It'll be 13 years now.

Is it really? 13 years?

-I'm a dad.

-Wow!

-So someone actually let you, erm...?

-Yeah!

Parents' evening on Thursday.

We're all very much looking forward to it, headmistress.

Personally, I'd rather shit in my hands and clap.

Sorry, I'm up here,

not down here.

Ryan! Give us an oosh!

-Oosh!

-Oosh!

There's something I've got to tell you.

I'm Ryan's...

..real...

# When I think about the days

# There is something of a haze about it

# No, we're not the same

# But let's not break the chain

# We should play this game together. #