Episode 3 Big School

Ryan, where's your kit?

I left it at home, sir.

He's left it at home.

Well, you're not getting out of PE that easily.

You can be a cone.

Right, you lot...

Ryan...is a cone.

OK, gentlemen...

Dribble!

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

-Can I help you, babes?

-I'm Ryan's mum, got his kit.

Ryan, what you doing with that cone on your head? Go on, get changed.

Thanks, Mum.

It's been a while, Trevor.

-Since what?

-Since we, um...

you know.

Oh, right.

-Did we?

-You don't remember, do you?

Pub car park, Seven Bells?

Wookey Hole Caves?

Back of Greggs? Caravan, Ideal Home Exhibition?

Legoland, Windsor?

Cleaning cupboard, Pizza Hut?

Do I look like the kind of lady who'd do it in a cleaning cupboard?

-Back of the Megabowl?

-That's it.

-Oosh!

Oh, that's what you said that night when you, um...

Yeah, I always say that, even when I'm doing it on my own.

-How long ago was this, then?

-Oh, it must be 13 years now.

Is it really, 13 years?

Whoaf!

It was good times.

Time.

Good to see you, Trevor.

What, no, and you.

Ryan's mum.

13 years...

Sssh!

13 years?!

Hello there.

Give us a hand with these leaves, Churchy.

Oh, I'd love to, but I haven't received the proper training.

Come on, pal, there's thousands of the beggars.

Every time I pick one up, another one falls.

Well, that's the nature of leaves,

but on behalf of the entire teaching staff,

I wish you all the best with them. Sarah?

-Is he all right?

-I think he's just a bit leafed out.

So, are you excited about parents' evening?

-Oh, I'm dreading it.

-Why?

It's so embarrassing, all those dads flirting with me.

-Really?

-Yes, they all flirt with me.

Oh, I get the same with all the mums.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I'm not lying.

-I mean, I'm trying to speak to these grown men

about their child's French homework

and they're just staring at my chest.

Yeah, that would...

Oh, er...

-Sorry, what were you saying?

-Sarah, can I have a word?

Anything you need to say to Sarah you can say in front of me. Chest.

-What?

-I didn't accidentally just say "chest", why would I?

-Keith, can you stop staring at my chest?

-Chest.

Chest.

No, sorry, what?

Why did I come over here again?

Oh, yeah, I need to talk to you...alone.

-You OK?

-No.

-I think I should come, too.

-Keith, he wants to speak to me alone

and I think that's for the chest... breast, best.

That is your fault.

OK?

Yeah.

Better?

Better.

All right?

Mm-hm.

So, why don't you start

by telling me what's wrong?

Oh, yeah, right, um...

Sarah, I just found... SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Oh, just wait for that to stop.

BELL CONTINUES RINGING

It goes on quite a long time, doesn't it?

BELL STOPS

-And go.

-Look, I just found out that...

..I'm a dad.

Wow!

What, so, so someone actually let you, um....

Yeah, it was 13 years ago.

-So they're 13?

-No, he's 12.

The baby is inside the lady's tummy for nine months before it comes out.

Yes, I did know that!

But he goes to this school.

He doesn't even know I exist.

Well, if he goes to this school, he probably does know you exist.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Yeah, actually, I just took him for PE.

Oh, this is better than an episode of Waterloo Road.

I don't know what to do.

Trevor, can I just say? I'm really happy

that you've come to me with this

cos I'm actually a really good listener.

Yeah, well, I thought...

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ssh! And I think that you becoming a father

is the best thing that could ever happen to you.

Do you think I'll make a good dad?

So... What else have you been up to?

These biscuits are on the turn.

Right, every... Oh, God, it's vile in here!

So, everyone, parents' evening on Thursday.

We're all very much looking forward to it, Headmistress.

Personally, I'd rather shit in my hands and clap.

Now, a few do's and don'ts.

Mr Gunn, try not to get into any scuffles with the parents.

I won't be rude about anyone's kids because I realise now that...

children are the greatest gift you could ever have.

-Have you dropped an E?

-I just realised that life's beautiful

-and we need to let love into our hearts.

-He's found God!

Even worse!

-Mrs Klebb?

-Present.

The parents don't want to know about

your partner's irritable bowel syndrome.

It's actually got a lot worse.

This morning I had to give Frieda a manual evacuation.

Too much information.

-Miss, um...?

-Postern.

-QUIETLY: I'm beginning to think...

-Sorry, what did you say?

Er, nothing.

No, no, no, you said something, so share it with the group.

Well, I said I am beginning to think you are forgetting my name

-on purpose.

-Would I do that? Miss, um...?

Postern.

You should know, dear, that last parents' evening,

I received numerous complaints about your choice of attire.

Excuse me?

Many mothers said you were "dolled up like a Parisian prostitute."

Well, I'm sorry, I'm not... I'm not having that.

It is every woman's right to dress as she chooses

and if all the dads keep ogling my chest, that really isn't my fault.

Well, they will look if you flop them out on the table.

-MR MARTIN:

-I'm not going to be there.

-What?

It's wrong. The whole concept of parents' evening is wrong.

We work so hard to get the trust of these kids

and then what do we go and do? We grass them up to their folks.

No, I won't be a part of it.

Also, it's the same night as Bake Off.

Oh, what, Bake Off's on?

The lemon meringue pie last week...

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Will you please all shut up about the sodding Bake Off!

Well, let's put it to a vote.

Hands up if you think we should cancel parents' evening.

Fortunately, Mr Martin, this school is not a democracy -

it is a dictatorship -

so you will all be there without fail.

Don't mind me. Just doing the bins.

So, the parents will arrive at seven.

-Parents' evening, is it?

-Yes.

Oh, great! I can't wait. All of us making a night of it,

popping down the pub for a couple of pints and a good chinwag later.

Mr Barber, your presence will not be required.

Oh, yes, er...

Of course, er...

I just do the manual work.

I forgot.

Oh, hey, I could still set up a little caretaker stall...

give the mums and dads advice on how best to get shoes out of trees,

-if you like?

-Me no like.

Yes.

Got it.

Just get on with the bins, Gareth,

else you'll make things worse than they already are.

LIQUID DRIPS FROM BIN

Oh!

Now I've got bin juice all over the shop!

Come on, Gareth, come on, come on.

Let's get you back to your shed.

You couldn't give me a hand with some leaves, could you?

Course I will, chuck.

Well, it would've been kinder to have had him put down.

WHISTLE BLOWS Penalty!

-What?!

-He wasn't even near the ball!

You off! Ball.

Ryan's taking it.

-What?!

-Come on.

BOYS GRUMBLE

-I don't know what to do, sir.

-Of course you do.

All right, it's football, it's in your genes.

All you've got to do is pick your spot

and don't change your mind.

Imagine, it's the World Cup final, yeah?

The whole country is behind you.

They're all chanting your name - Ryan, Ryan, Ryan!

Go on, son, make me proud.

BLOWS WHISTLE

Don't move!

Yes!

ALL COMPLAIN

Yes!

Give me an oosh! Oosh!

-PUPIL:

-To be or not to be, that is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows

of outrageous fortune...

-..or to take arms against...

-Next!

All right?

Can I help you?

You don't mind if I sit in on this one, do you?

I didn't have you down as a Shakespeare fan.

Oh, yeah, massive. I've read all his plays.

Really? Which is your favourite?

King...

..Kong.

OK.

Right, so, remember, this is the most dramatic moment of the play,

the most famous speech in the history of theatre.

Prince Hamlet is contemplating whether to live or die.

And begin.

-DEADPAN:

-To be or not to be, that is the question,

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

the springs and arrows of out...

..outrageous fortune or...or to take arms against a sea of troubles

and by opposing...

end them.

Finished.

Boom!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

There's your Hamlet.

Your alphabet's wrong.

Trevor, what an unexpected, er...

-What do you want?

-No, nothing.

Just relax, it's just a social call, Churchy.

It's about Ryan's test paper.

It's 31%.

-Yes?

-You must've marked it wrong, the boy's a genius.

Well, I wouldn't say he's a genius.

What is H2O? He's written "fruit drink."

Why does this matter to you?

I see a lot of myself in that boy

and believe it or not, I wasn't all that academical myself at school.

I do believe that.

Go on, Churchy, give him an extra mark.

If I do, will you immediately leave my classroom?

-Yes.

-Hm, 32%.

Boom!

I'm telling you, Churchy, that boy's got the potential to go all the way,

to Cambridge even.

Hmm. On a coach trip, maybe.

BLOWER WHOOSHES

Mr Barber, what are you doing?

-What?

-What are you doing?

SWITCHES BLOWER OFF

-What are you doing?

-It's a pre-emptive strike.

-What?

-Blow the leaves off the tree before they fall,

beat them at their own game.

Perhaps you should concentrate on the leaves on the ground.

But where do you think they come from?

HE RESTARTS BLOWER

Goodbye, Mr Barber.

How are you finding, er...

..fatherhood?

-What?

-Fatherhood!

Oh, it's the best thing I ever did, spreading the Gunn seed.

I'm actually eating.

I just hope I can pass on all my knowledge to him.

-Oh, well, it shouldn't take too long.

-Yeah.

I mean, it's hard to explain to somebody who doesn't have kids.

Not really because I have two cats,

Jules et Jim, so I think I know what it's like to be a mother.

-It's not really the same though, is it?

-Well, you wouldn't know

because you don't have cats.

-Can I ask which boy it is?

-No, I can't tell you.

He don't know himself yet, so it wouldn't be fair on the lad.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

You could tell me though.

-No.

-Well, you could cos I wouldn't tell anyone.

No.

No, I understand.

Is it Kieran?

No.

Is it Tyler?

-No.

-Is it Abdul? It wouldn't be Abdul, would it?

-Is it Ryan?

-I didn't know Ryan was here.

Ryan!

Give us an oosh!

-Oosh!

-Oosh!

-It's Ryan, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Bollocks.

Oh, I'm fine with the test tubes, thank you, Jo.

-Oh, hello, Sarah.

-Oh, I'm sorry, is this

-not a good time?

-Oh, no, Jo was just leaving us.

Would you mind leaving, Jo?

Thank you, Jo.

Ohh!

-What's the matter?

-Nothing.

Well, I'm glad you popped by

because I wanted to talk to you about Fair Trade week.

Keith, you can't expect me to care about the price of bananas

with everything that's going on at the moment.

What is going on?

I can't tell you.

-You can't tell me?

-It's a secret.

-Oh.

-So, whatever you do, please don't ask me to talk about it

because I simply can't.

Well, I thought we could do an assembly together

-comparing the prices of a coffee...

-I just feel like I'm stuck

right in the middle between a really difficult situation.

-What situation?

-I can't say.

It's about Trevor. I've said too much already.

-Did he try and touch you?

-Yes, but that's not it.

Well, I can't really help unless I know what it is.

Then guess. You can guess, I mean, I won't say anything.

I'll just nod my head if you're getting warmer

and I'll shake my head if you're getting colder.

Well, um...

He's got a secret love child at the school.

-So someone actually let him...?

-Yes!

I mean, it's hard to believe, I know, but, yes.

-Who is this love child?

-Well, that I can't tell you.

-I understand.

-It's Ryan.

Beatboxing masterclass, Luke Martin on the mic, here we go.

HE BEATBOXES

Boots and cats! Boots and cats!

We're into it one time, great big school coming at ya!

CONTINUES BEATBOXING

MC Nicholas, drop it.

-Dum de dum...

-Back to me.

CONTINUES BEATBOXING

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Homework in first thing tomorrow, please.

-Oh, hi, Keith.

-Oh!

It's not easy having a secret.

Is it about Ryan being Trevor's love child?

-Who told you?

-Sarah.

-When?

-Just before this lesson.

Well, she told me at the end of lunch

so I knew a good 45 minutes before you.

-Amazing anyone would actually let him...

-Yes.

Of course, it's very important no-one else knows.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Haven't told anyone, have you?

No, no, not really, just Klebb...

Baron, Hubble and Jo. You?

Mentioned it to the man who popped in to change the ink

in the photocopier.

Other than that, not a soul.

So no-one's told Barber?

-Gareth!

-Gareth!

-Gareth!

-Gareth!

Mr Gunn has got...

..a love child.

Gareth's got a love child!

In your face!

Hello, Sarah.

I just wondered if after parents' evening tonight,

you fancied going for a drink?

Do you want to have children?

-I'm sorry?

-Do you want to have children?

Well, can we just see how the drink goes first?

It's just this whole thing with Trevor

has got me questioning everything.

I mean, I am a woman who has always put my career first,

that's why I'm one of the top French teachers in the county.

In the whole of the South-East.

But...I've been thinking...

..and what would really make me happy is...if I had a baby.

Well, if it's a baby you're after...

-I know how they're made.

-I would hope so, you're 44.

Not clear on all the small print, but I know the headlines.

Oh, Keith...

have we both left it too late?

Well, I haven't.

-Are you saying I have?

-No, no!

Not at all, I mean, how old are you, 40...?

-Around 40.

-Around 40, well...you have a small window.

No, I've got a big window.

I've been thinking I'd really love to have a baby girl.

Or a boy.

Called Amelie.

-Nigel.

-I'd raise her in a run-down old farmhouse in Provence.

Guildford.

-She'd grow up to be an artist.

-With a science degree to fall back on.

She'd be a good mother.

She'd give me seven grandchildren.

Well, that would make Christmas very pricey,

plus even a trip to Chessington World of Adventures,

we'd have to hire a minibus.

SHE SIGHS

We'll not bother with that drink, shall we?

How are you feeling, Trevor?

Anxious, nervous, tense?

It's just going to be so tough, you know,

coming face to face with Ryan's, um...

-dad.

-Yes, well,

what's best for Ryan is that it is still secret.

Yeah.

-You haven't told anyone, have you?

-No, no, no, no.

Of course not.

It's going to be awkward for you tonight, isn't it, Trevor?

-What?

-Hope it goes all right with Ryan's dad.

You've only got yourself to blame.

-Not you as well!

-Sorry, just to say,

the photocopier's up and running, and good luck with Ryan's dad.

Who told him?

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

If I can have a bit of quiet, please?

I can still hear people chattering about Mr Gunn's love child.

Let us not forget, tonight is an important showcase for the school,

so let's all work together and give it 100%.

I wish I could stay, but it's nearly time for Bake Off.

He's got quite a sense of humour, your lad,

always making up funny names for me -

the Nerd, Mr Moobs,

Bellend.

Can you please ask him to stop? It's actually very hurtful.

Kelly needs to work on her pronunciation.

Sorry, I'm up here, not down here.

Please stop looking at these.

The service here is very slow, they haven't even brought us a menu!

If Tom really wants to make it in the music biz, he's got to

change his attitude. He really needs to start bunking off lessons.

When it comes to A levels, I don't think he should take chemistry

or any other subject he can't spell the name of.

Alesha should not drop drama, drama is a hugely important subject,

plus you can get a C for just turning up.

Not that she'd need that...at all.

Regardez le visage!

Ne parlez hooters!

You'd think they'd at least bring us some breadsticks.

I'm going to...

HE BEATBOXES

I didn't cast Connor in the production

because I've always seen Hamlet as a little Chinese girl.

Is anyone having a starter?

Or are we all going straight to the main course?

ROOM GOES QUIET

So, um, you must be, er...

Ryan's, um...

Dad.

Yeah.

Course you are, mate.

-So, how's he getting on?

-Brilliant.

-So proud of him.

-Really?

He's always struggled with sports.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, the kid's world-class.

I mean, I'd bet money on him...

captaining England one day.

Well, it's great you believe in him so much.

Ryan is always talking about Mr Gunn, isn't he?

Yeah, you're his favourite.

Am I?

What does he say about me?

Just that you've been really looking out for him, so cheers for that.

Yeah, and thank you for, um...

for all you've done too.

Yeah...um, is there anything Ryan can do better?

No.

He's perfect.

OK, well, we'd better go and see that tarty French teacher now.

No, stop!

I can't live this lie any longer.

There's something I've got to tell you.

-What?

-Oh, Trevor, don't do this.

I have to, babes. It's...it's eating me up inside.

I'm Ryan's...

real...

LEAF BLOWER WHOOSHES

Turn it off, turn it off!

Mr Barber, you know you're not meant to be here.

Just dealing with a rogue leaf.

Evening, everybody.

Nice to see so many friendly faces again.

I don't know if you all know, but...

I went through a very dark patch...

bit of a breakdown,

a biggie.

Not able to teach any more.

Just...

dealing with leaves...leaves these days.

-All right, Gareth.

-HE BREATHES DEEPLY

Let's get you back to your shed.

What was it you were going to say?

Eh?

Oh...

You know, I'm Ryan's...real...

..PE teacher.

-And his dad.

-What?

Why would anyone think you're Ryan's dad?

Because of, you know, what you and me done...

13 years ago.

What we did that night can't make you pregnant.

Yeah, I knew that.

You told me you'd been with some wrong 'uns before me, but seriously?

This geezer's off the scale!

Look, no, hang on, he can't be Ryan's real dad.

He's not, Ryan's adopted.

Sorry, can I get a bit of quiet, please?

Something very important's happened, I've just this moment heard,

Jillian's custard tarts were too soggy.

She's out of the Bake Off.

DISAPPOINTED GROANS

Sir?

All right?

What do you want? I'm on my break.

I just wanted to give you this.

"Mr Gunn...

"Thanks for being the best PE teacher in the world.

"Love, Ryan.

"PS...

"Oosh!"

Ofsted?

I hear we've got a visit coming from those Ofsted bastards.

Great teachers have nothing to fear from an inspection.

True, so I suggest you take the day off sick.

What do we normally do?

-Wash your car.

-All go down the chippy?

I'm not a bad teacher.

Oh, no, no, no, you're an abominable one.

Who are you calling amobidable?

-Le bingo.

-Why didn't I hear any numbers, miss?

-Well, they were all in French.

-You should've said.

This is a disaster. If Ms Steele finds the drugs, we're finished.

I would like to make a donation to Ofsted.

-Do you think you can corrupt me with money?

-No.

-That's a career ender.

-Well, don't say that.

-DAPHNE:

-Headmistress, she hasn't seen me.

She's seen me.

# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it

# Though we're not the same Let's not break the chain

# We should play this game together. #