Episode 4 Big School

CHATTER OUTSIDE

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Morning, Headmistress.

Can't you see I'm working?

-May I sit down?

-No.

Oh. I was wondering if you were any closer to finding the culprit

who dropped the bag of drugs in the playground,

the, er..."mari-ju-ana"?

Da 'erb problem is being dealt with as we speak.

There's a peculiar smell in here.

Must be the Glade. They've brought out a new flavour.

Oh, really? What's it called?

Jamaican Breeze.

On your way out, perhaps you could

tell my secretary I'm not to be disturbed. Thank you so much.

And if you find another bag of ganja on school property,

do bring it straight to me.

MUSIC: Is This Love by Bob Marley

-Daphne?

-Yeah?

Our glorious leader has asked not to be disturbed.

Right.

"Do not disturb...

"headmis...tress."

PHONE RINGS Oh.

Hello, Greybrick School?

Er...no, you're right. It is Greybridge.

I'll put you straight through to her.

PHONE RINGS MUSIC CONTINUES

What's up?

MUSIC STOPS Ofsted?!

Hello?

LOW CHATTER

Quiet, please!

-I can still hear talking.

-God, it's like being at school.

You are at school.

-Well...

-Right, everyone,

we need to batten down the hatches.

There's a major shitstorm coming our way.

Tomorrow we have a little visit from our friends at Ofsted.

Oh, great(!) First I go and drop my bag of grass in the playground.

-now this.

-Now, hear this.

The inspection is being led by one Ms Steele,

who, as some of you have heard,

seems to get her kicks from closing down schools,

so we all have to be on top form tomorrow.

With respect, Ms Baron,

let's remember that great teachers

have nothing to fear from an inspection.

True, so I suggest you take the day off sick.

We're all right behind you, Headmistress.

If the children misbehave, we beat them.

Oh, God help us. Right.

-Yes, Miss, um...?

-It's Postern. P-O...

We haven't time for that.

Well, as you know, my teaching

methods are somewhat maverick, but I get results.

-And the point is?

-Getting to it, my question -

should I employ a more traditional style of teaching for the inspection

or just carry on being the

inspirational Miss Postern the kids know and love?

My advice would be to turn down the volume on your personality, dear.

It's extremely grating.

Any more questions?

Nobody? Right, that's it. Class dismissed.

Sarah? I just wanted to say,

in answer to your question, don't go changing.

Oh, thank you.

# I love you just the way you are. #

Well, that's very kind.

# Do-do, da-do-do, da-do, da-do-do

# Don't go changing to try and please me... #

You're embarrassing me now.

-Stop singing immediately.

-Sorry, but I mean it.

Don't change a thing, your teaching, your hair,

-your mole...

-I don't have a mole.

-Well, what's that thing on your chin?

-It's a beauty spot.

-Is it?

-Yes.

-You're sure?

-It is a beauty spot.

Sorry. Forget I said anything.

But for future reference,

how big does a beauty spot have to

be before it can be categorised as a mole?

-A lot bigger than this.

-Got it.

And, as I said, don't change a thing.

-Teachers like us don't need to.

-Well, you do.

-Excuse me?

-You need to change.

Hm. Well... Ha! I appreciate your honesty, Sarah.

If there's one small area I could

perhaps improve upon, what would it be?

Ooh, where to start?

Um...well, the kids find your lessons boring.

-Mm, haven't heard that one before.

-And you're very pedantic.

-Yeah, I did just say one area.

-Plus, you're really old-fashioned -

the way you talk, the way you dress.

-Yeah, it's getting personal.

-Well, the mole was quite personal.

-Now you're saying it is a mole.

-If you'll excuse me,

I've got a rather exciting French lesson to go and teach,

unlike chemistry lessons, which I've heard can be rather dull.

Rue de Coronation.

EastEnders.

L'Enders l'Est.

Hollyoaks. 'Olly-oaks.

Hollyoaks Late. 'Olly-oaks Tard.

-BELL RINGS

-Now, tomorrow we're going to have an

Ofsted inspector sitting in the class with us.

Oh, my God. Are you going to lose your job, Miss?

No, no, of course I'm not. I'm probably the best teacher here.

Then why can't we speak French, Miss?

All I'm going to say is, can you just behave as if it's a normal lesson?

-Er...Nicholas? Could I just speak to you?

-Am I in trouble, Miss?

No.

Um...

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-Bubble gum?

-What?

-USUAL ACCENT:

-Bubble gum?

-Um...no, thank you.

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-It's 'Ubba Bubba.

-USUAL ACCENT:

-It's Hubba Bubba.

-I'm fine, thank you.

So...how are things?

Fine.

Not really, are they?

-Are they? Are they really, though?

-Yeah, fine.

-Not being bullied?

-Nope.

Well, that's a shame.

-Can I go now, Miss?

-No, a bit of extra homework for you.

Can you just learn this tonight and then tomorrow we'll go through it in class?

-Is it a play, Miss?

-Yeah, yeah, it is.

It's...it's a play of sorts, yeah.

It's just something I've... I've knocked together.

You're playing Bullied Child

and I've highlighted all your lines for you so let's just go through it.

"Miss, I need to ask you something."

"Yes? I'm your teacher. I'm here to help."

"I'm being bullied."

-But I'm not being bullied.

-No, I know you're not being bullied.

But for tomorrow, could you just pretend?

I don't want to.

Well, that's a shame, Nicholas,

because I really wanted to give you an A in your coursework.

Let me know if you change your mind.

MUSIC BLARES

MUSIC STOPS

-Why are you dressed like that?

-Well, you know me.

I've always been very with it.

So, what you going to do when Cher wants her jacket back?

Very funny.

So, you looking forward to your last day at Greybridge?

-You what?

-You must be worried.

Those Ofsted inspectors can sniff out a bad teacher a mile away.

-I'm not a bad teacher.

-Oh, no, no, no.

You're an abominable one.

-Who are you calling amobidable?

-Nobody.

The word's abominable. Any good teacher would know that.

But what are you going to do when Cher wants her jacket back?

Yes, you've already done that one. Morning, Sarah.

Morning. Mm.

-I see you've taken my advice.

-Mm, not really.

I was, er...thinking about getting some new threads anyway.

But, er...do you approve?

-Mm, can I be honest?

-I'd rather you weren't.

-Then you look great.

-Ooh, thank you.

Have you reserved the inspectors' seats in the canteen for lunch?

-Done.

-And have you polished all the trophies in the cabinet?

Yep, both of them.

And has the shiny toilet paper in the staff lavatories

been replaced with something a little more forgiving?

I've even left some Moist Wipes on top of the cistern.

Daphne, you're a treasure. DAPHNE SNIFFS

-What is it?

-It's just...

-there's a bit of a funny smell in here.

-Smell of what?

Like someone's been smoking cigarettes but not normal cigarettes.

Well, I must try and get to the bottom of that.

I can smell it in the chairs and everything.

All right, all right. I'll sort it out. You go and meet the inspectors.

But don't let them in here till I say.

-Got it.

-Stall them. Give them a guided tour.

Paint a glowing picture of the school.

So, do or don't mention the outbreak of happy-slapping?

Don't, obviously.

-"Don't mention..."

-Well, don't write it down.

Now go, go, go. Off you go. They'll be here in a minute.

-Excuse me.

-Morning.

-Will you take us to Ms Baron's office?

-Right you are.

Trying to get the place looking spick-and-span.

I hear we've got a visit coming from those Ofsted bastards.

This way.

Girls' bogs.

French, and this is my old geography classroom.

That's where it all started unravelling for me.

It's cos I'm Welsh, you see, and my name's Barber.

Kids used to chant, "Baa!

"Baa, baa!"

Non-stop.

When I close my eyes, I can still hear it.

"Baa, baa, baa."

-Excuse me! Can you...?

-I can't stop!

Oh, shit!

They found me crouched in a cupboard, munching on an atlas.

That's the problem with the kids here.

You can't control 'em. None of us can.

Not even the headmistress. That's her office.

Stop! You can't go in.

-What?

-Er...the door's jammed.

Right, hold this.

Caretaker to the rescue.

Welcome to Greybridge!

Always a pleasure to have a visit from our friends at Ofsted.

Ofsted?

Oh, bugger.

I've let everyone down again, haven't I?

Oh.

It's my pigeon.

You must be Ms Baron. May we sit down?

Yes, of course, Ms Steele. Gentlemen?

Here's our brand-new prospectus for you to peruse.

We're very proud of this school.

A strip seems to have been ripped off this.

Strange.

Oh, I must look into that.

Don't worry, Ms Steele. We've got some more here.

As you can see, on page five,

we have some terrific plans

for the playing fields that are currently grass.

We need to get rid of the grass.

Oh, are we having Astroturf?

We will. But first, we desperately need to remove the grass.

-SHE MOUTHS:

-It's in her bag.

-What? SHE MOUTHS:

-It's in her bag.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

-What's that?

-Er...nothing.

-We should really get on with this inspection.

-Yes, yes, of course.

If you would care to leave any bags here, you're very welcome.

That won't be necessary.

Do the teachers all know we're here?

Well, I may have mentioned it in passing

to one or two members of staff. But don't worry,

what you're about to see is a

perfectly normal day here at Greybridge.

How is water created?

PUPILS LAUGH You look like a sperm.

Well, there's no need for that sort of language. Sorry about that.

Now, Jake, as you know, my lessons are never boring,

which is why today I am a hydrogen atom

and I would like to introduce you to

my twin brother who is also a hydrogen atom,

Mr Hubble.

PUPILS LAUGH

-I am a sperm.

-PUPILS LAUGH

-You are a hydrogen atom.

-I am a hydrogen atom.

And we are both unstable.

That's why I'm on the pills.

We are unstable atoms.

So, we need to meet another atom with spare electrons. Jo?

PUPILS LAUGH

Jo is an oxygen atom and we are both attracted to her.

-Speak for yourself.

-In the exercise.

As you may have noticed,

Jo has a pair of balls...

-LAUGHTER

-..tennis balls, which represent...

-Anybody?

-Testicles!

No. You're not helping.

They are electrons.

Now, us two hydrogen atoms want to share oxygen's electrons

so we can bond to form...

-Anybody?

-A menage a trois!

-No.

Anybody?

Anybody? It's up on the board.

-H2O.

-Correct!

And that's how you teach chemistry.

Jo! Ha-ha. Back in the cupboard, please.

PUPILS CHATTER

This is a disaster.

If Ms Steele finds the drugs, we're finished!

I'm so sorry, Ms Baron. Oh!

-I've got an idea.

-What?

You could happy-slap her while I steal the bag.

Seems inconceivable, Daphne, but you've actually come up with

something that will make matters worse.

-Thank you.

-It isn't a compliment!

We have to think of something.

CYMBAL CLANGS

HE GRUNTS

We haven't followed the syllabus this year,

never have, never will, not in Luke Martin's class.

We haven't been learning about Beet-hoven or Mozart or Batch.

Why? Because I make my lessons relevant to the kids.

All this term we've been learning about

the fifth-biggest rock band in the UK right now,

-Kasabian. Watch this. Lead guitarist?

-Serge Pizzorno.

-First single to chart.

-Club Foot.

-Where did Kasabian meet?

-Countesthorpe Community College, Leicester.

(Smashed it, mate.)

Shame you don't get proper music

like Kasabian or Snow Patrol or the Arctic Gorillaz

on the GCSE music syllabus,

or, as I like to call it, syllable-crap.

Yeah, teacher said a bad word.

Oops! Get over it.

BELL RINGS Right.

Get lost, the lot of you.

Catch you later, yeah?

Obviously, normally, I do stick to the syllabus.

Oh, hello again. Sorry about calling you all a load of bastards earlier.

I hope you're having a smashing day out.

Just looking for the bathroom, thank you.

Oh, well, let me show you. I've just cleaned them, as it goes.

You can put that in your report, if you want. "Toilets outstanding".

I'll think about that one, thank you.

Yeah, well, here at Greybridge, we like to be top of the bogs, eh?

Can I interest you in a copy of yesterday's Daily Star?

No. Thank you.

Ah, well, have a wonderful dump.

DOOR SQUEAKS LIQUID DRIPS

Ah.

Morning.

-Ah, there you are, Ms Steele.

-Can I help you, Ms Baron?

Well, I just brought you a cup of coffee

and there's a Bendicks mint on the saucer for you.

Put it there.

What are you doing?

I was just wondering how the inspection's going.

I'll file my report at the end of the day.

Well, I can't wait to read it.

I can't wait for you to read it either.

LOW DRAGGING

-Ms Baron?

-Yes?

You seem to have got your foot caught in my bag.

Have I? Oh!

So sorry.

I'm watching you...

Baron.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Gunn's in the 'ouse!

Right, Year Nine. PE. What do we normally do?

-Wash your car?

-All go down the chippy?

-Watch cage-fighting?

-Ha-ha-ha! Little jokers, ain't they?

Don't...

ruin it for me.

No!

We play...

basketball. It's my best sport, obviously.

Here you are, watch this.

WHISTLE BLOWS

# Don't try to compare us to another bad little fad, I'm the Mac

# And I'm bad Give you something that you never had

# I'll make ya bump, bump, wiggle and shake your rump... #

Yes! Yes!

-You didn't bounce it, sir!

-You, off!

-What?

-Talking back to the referee, moosh!

# And everything is to the back with a little slack... #

Yes! Oosh, oosh, oosh!

Yes! Slam-dunk.

# R&B, rappin' bull crap is what I'm dumpin'

# Ain't nothin' sucker about Kris Kross, we all that

# So when they ask, "Do they rock?" Say, "Believe it"

# Jump, jump

# The Mac Dad will make you jump, jump

# Daddy Mac will make you jump, jump

# Kris Kross will make you jump, jump

# Uh-huh, uh-huh, jump, jump

# The Mac Dad will make you jump, jump

# Daddy Mac will make you jump, jump

# Kris Kross will make you jump, jump

# Uh-huh, uh-huh jump, jump

# The Mac Dad will make you Jump. #

Sorry, chief.

Dix.

Dix. Le bingo?

Non? Le bingo?

Pas de bingo?

OK.

Deux petit canard.

Vingt-deux.

Vingt-deux?

Vingt-deux?

Vingt-deux?

Vingt-deux?

Le bingo?

Non?

Le bingo.

Non? Le bin... Well, that's all the balls.

So, everyone should have had bingo by now.

But I didn't hear any numbers, Miss?

Well, they were all in French.

Oh, you should have said.

Yes?

I'm your teacher. I'm here to help.

Miss, I need to ask you something.

You're being bullied?

Well, I'm very sorry to hear that.

How long has this been going on?

I'm being bullied.

A week?

Who's bullying you, Nicholas?

A week?

Well, perhaps you'd like to stay behind after the lesson

and we can get to the bottom of this.

One of the older boys?

That's very sweet of you to say!

I wish all teachers were like you, Miss.

And that's the end of the lesson.

Just an ordinary lesson. Ha...

BELL RINGS

Ooh!

-CHILDISH VOICE:

-I wonder what you're writing back there?

Scribble, scribble, scribble!

DOOR CREAKS

DOOR OPENS

Ooh! Ha-ha!

We're going to have to stop meeting like this.

It's you. Yes, it's me.

Um...so, obviously, what happened in my lesson shouldn't have happened

-and I accept that.

-Please, get out of my way.

Just to say I would like to make a donation to Ofsted.

What?!

Is this a bribe?

No, it's a donation.

But you can choose to give it to Ofsted or...

keep it for yourself.

Do you think you can corrupt me with money?

No.

No.

(No...)

Here is my Nectar card. There are 50,000 points on that.

(Hello, Headmistress.) >

No, still haven't got it.

I'm just hiding in the toilet.

She hasn't seen me.

She's seen me.

Aye-aye. What's Postern blubbing about?

-She'll want me to go and comfort her.

-I saw her first, mate.

Ouch!

What are you doing? Can't you see I'm upset?

I'm sorry, Sarah. I'm actually here to help. What's the matter?

-I've made a dreadful...

-What's the matter, princess?

-Can you, please, stop touching her?

-You stop touching her.

Will you both, please, stop touching me and listen? This is about me.

Yes, Trevor, a bit of hush, please. Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh!

You sh-sh-sh-sh up yourself!

I've made a dreadful mistake in my inspection.

-That's a shame. Mine went brilliant.

-And mine went brilliant-ly.

Can we get back to me, please?

-Then I went to the toilets.

-What? Number ones or number twos?

-What?!

-It doesn't matter.

No, I suppose ladies have to sit down for both, don't they?

-Sometimes I sit down to have a wee.

-Sometimes I stand up to do a poo.

Can we just get back to me?!

Then I went into the toilets and I...

accidentally...

...bribed Ms Steele.

-That's a career-ender.

-Well, don't say that.

Well, I'm not saying it'll lead to a custodial sentence,

but it's hard to imagine you ever teaching again.

Hey, hey. Don't worry, babes. When in trouble, reach for the Gunn.

I'll have a little talk with her, if you like. You know what I mean?

Oh, no, no. Please, don't, Trevor. You'll just make it worse.

Would you like me to talk to her?

-Well, that's probably not quite as bad.

-Thank you.

But I would still rather that you didn't.

Please, don't either of you even think about doing anything.

Oh, right. No, I get it, I get it. She doesn't want us to do anything.

-No, I don't want you to do anything.

-No, got it.

She don't want us to do anything...

-if you know what I mean, Churchy?

-Not really.

She doesn't want us...

..to get involved.

-BOTH:

-Ah...

To be clear, I really don't want you to do anything.

Yeah, reading you loud and clear, babes.

-There she is.

-Right, I'll handle this.

When we get inside, I'll do all the talking, right?

Right.

-Oi, Mrs!

-Excuse me?

-My friend's got something to say to you.

-Me?

Oh, excuse us.

I thought you said you were going to do the talking.

-Yeah, I started it.

-Well, you finish it.

-I will finish it. You do the middle bit.

-What is it that you want?

Ah, well, um...good day to you, Ms Steele.

My colleague and I would like to discuss

the very delicate issue of Miss Postern's "behaviour".

Go on.

Over to you.

Um...

You know, um... You know the money that she offered you in the bogs?

Well, that...that was an accident, cos it dropped out of her hand,

so we'll say no more about it, OK?

Bribing an Ofsted inspector is an incredibly serious matter.

-No, yeah. No, of course, yeah.

-Mm.

-How much did she, um...?

-£60.

-Really?

-What if we said 65?

-You're just making this worse.

COINS CLINK Yeah. Right.

68?

Right. I'm going to have to add all of this to the report.

What are your names?

Er, I'm Mr Martin.

And I'm Mrs Klebb.

Well, I hope you had a lovely day here at Greybridge.

-Here's my report.

-Ah.

It makes for shocking reading.

< "Complete disregard for the syllabus, use of foul language,

"bribery, intimidation, assault, serious misuse of a urinal,

"two teachers dressed as sperms...

"Adequate number of bins." Well, that's something we can be proud of.

I'm recommending the school be shut down immediately.

< But what about the staff? They work so hard.

And what do I tell all the children? They love this school.

I don't care what you tell them.

If I had my way, the place would be burnt to the ground.

Well, thank you so much for popping by.

Always lovely to have a visit from Ofsted. Let me show you out.

Goodbye, Ms Baron.

-One last thing, Ms Steele.

-What?

You've forgotten to sign the report.

Oh! What's that in your bag?

-What's what in my bag?

-That!

STAFF GASP

I don't know.

Ms Steele, drugs are strictly forbidden on school property.

-I know that.

-Then why bring this in?

Listen, I have absolutely no idea how this got here.

Ah, you see, memory loss.

It's the main side effect of smoking doobie.

Mm, skunk-brain.

Ms Baron, if you think this changes anything...

It changes everything.

Obviously, while you were writing this report,

you were off your tits.

-On da 'erb.

-Thank you, Mr Church.

And that is confiscated.

- Mr Barber? - Headmistress?

Please, escort our guests from the premises.

MR BARBER: Come on. Let's be having you. Out.

Chop chop. Eyes to the floor.

Get out. Out!

-Daphne.

-Yes, Headmistress?

I'm not to be disturbed.

MUSIC: Is This Love by Bob Marley

Bullying. Bull-y-ing.

Not a word we want to hear at this school.

Stop saying it, then.

This is something you call rap therapy?

Yeah, rapathy.

God help us.

For the last time, I'm not making you Head of Science.

-He's cold.

-Blimey, he's snuffed it.

-Where is his body?

-I know just the place.

-Is it all right to put him in there?

-Yes.

The binmen are coming tomorrow.

# When I think about the days

# There is something of a haze about it

# No, we're not the same

# But let's not break the chain

# We should play this game together. #