Potato Blackadder

Coming?

No.

It'll be a once-in-a-lifetime experience!

No, it won't.

-Everybody's going!

-Don't exaggerate, Percy. I'M not going, Mrs Miggins from the pie shop isn't going...

My lord, you ARE cruel!

Mrs Miggins is bed-ridden from the nose down!

She's honouring the occasion in her own way

by baking a great commemorative pie in the shape of an enormous pie!

-What an imagination that woman has!

-CROWD CHEERS

CROWD: Hurrah! Come on, Edmund!

The greatest explorer of our age has come home! The streets are so gay women laughing, children singing!

A man's being indecently assaulted by foreign sailors and he's smiling!

Percy, the return of Sir Walter

What-a-big-ship-I've-got Raleigh is of supreme indifference to me.

If you're not careful, children will sing "sour puss and grumpy face" outside your window.

-You wouldn't want that, would you?

-I believe I could survive it.

Will you get out before I cut off your head, scoop out the insides and give it to your mother as a vase.

What a clot!

The most absurdly dressed creature in Christendom....

-..with one exception.

-My lord.

-Baldrick, you look like a deer.

You look a bit of a duckie yourself.

Oh, God! What do you want?

Might I have the afternoon off?

Who do you think you are? Watt Tyler? You'll get an afternoon off when you die.

I want to cheer brave Sir Walter home.

It makes me feel proud to belong to the greatest kingdom in the world.

Doubtless many of the animal kingdom feel that way.

CROWD: HURRAH!

Will you shut up! Bloody explorers!

Ponce off to mumbo-jumbo land, come back with a tropical disease, suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things

-and everyone's got their picture in the lavatory! What about those who do all the work?

-Servants?

-No! Me!

I mean, look at this! What is it?

I'm surprised you've forgotten.

-It's a rhetorical question!

-Nah, it's a potato.

To YOU it's a potato, to ME it's a potato...

..but to Sir Walter Bloody Raleigh,

it's country estates, carriages and as many girls as his tongue can cope with.

He's making a fortune! People smoke them, build houses with them

they'll be eating them next!

-Stranger things happen...

-Exactly.

-..that horse becoming Pope.

-For one!

-KNOCKING AT DOOR

God! Probably some berk with a parrot on his shoulder

selling gnomes of Sir Frances Drake and his Golden Behind.

CHILD CHANTS: Sour puss, grumpy face, sour puss...

..grumpy face, sour puss, grumpy face sour puss, grumpy face, sour puss...

..Aargh! Mummy!

Anyway, why aren't you at school?

Started talking to yourself, I see.

It ensures intelligent conversation. What do you want?

I'm on my way to the Palace to welcome Sir Walter. Would you care to come?

Bluff seaman's talk about picking weevils out of biscuits and drinking urine is not my idea of fun.

As you wish.

Servant, my hat.

-Potato?

-Thanks, I don't.

So you haven't succumbed to dressing like a Nottingham Forest allotment?

-There you go, my lord.

-Thank you.

You have.

It's probably just as well you're not coming. You're not very popular at Court...

-I'll leave this for tomorrow.

-But...

No, no problem. Obviously the Queen and I will be the only ones sensibly dressed...

KNOCKING

Who is it?

-Melchett, my lady.

-But stop!

Close your eyes.

Now enter.

Ahoy, there,

me shivering matey heave-ho!

Open your eyes.

Thank you, Majesty.

What's the matter?

I beg your pardon. I wanted to greet the gallant sailor who hallooed me as I came in.

-Ooh!

-Perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away.

No! It was ME!

Majesty!

Surely not!

You utter creep!

So! Where's this barnacle-bottomed, haddock-flavoured bilge rat, Sir Rather-a-wally Raleigh, then?

I hear he's about as exciting as one of his potatoes.

Ha, ha! Blackadder's a frightful old lover, eh, Melchey?

And undubitably no sea dog, ma'am,

with a yo-ho-ho and, I might venture, a bottle of rum into the bargain.

-WHISTLING

-It's him!

Do I look absolutely divine and regal and yet, at the same time, very pretty and rather accessible?

You are every jolly jack tar's dream, Majesty.

I thought as much. If he's REALLY gorgeous, I think I'll marry him.

Is that not a little rash?

I don't think so!

It wouldn't be your first little rash if it was!

-WHISTLING

-Ooh!

-Majesty!

Splice me timbers, Sir Walter!

-It's bucko to see you, old matey!

-I'm sorry?

-She says hello.

-Oh!

And well she might for I have brought her gifts and minions beyond her wildest dreams!

Are you sure?

I have some pretty wild dreams, you know. I'm not sure what they mean

-there was this enormous tree and I was sitting on top of it...

-Ma'am!

-..and then I dreamt once I was a sausage roll...

-Majesty!

Sorry!

I'm SO excited, I don't know what I'm saying.

Come on, Sir Walter. I want to hear about absolutely everything!

Then prepare to hear tales of terrible hardship, endurance and woe.

Ah!

We set sail from Plymouth in the spring of 1552.

You remember Lord Blackadder.

No.

But I can see he is the sort of pasty land-lubber I have always despised.

Well, quite! Don't crowd Sir Walter, Edmund!

Twice I fought in hand-to-hand combat

with a man with two heads and no body hair.

I'll warrant the most exciting thing to happen to that limpid prawn in a whole year

was the day the servant forgot to put sugar in his porridge.

LAUGHTER

Gosh, you've got nice legs!

While I hold the six seas of the world in my hand,

he couldn't even put six gob-stoppers in his mouth!

-He's a complete no-hoper, isn't he, Walt?

-He certainly is!

UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER

My bedroom's just upstairs, you know.

I apprehended, Sir Walter, that there were only seven seas.

Only numerically speaking.

We sailors do not count the sea around the Cape of Good Hope.

It is called the Sea of Certain Death and no sailor has crossed it alive.

Well, what an extraordinary coincidence!

What's an extraordinary coincidence?

Just that I was planning a jaunt around the Cape of Good Hope myself.

I'm leaving next Thursday, I think.

-Really?

-Yes, now that...sorry, I've forgotten your name...

..has returned and the Court smells of fish, I've a mind to go today.

-If you try that, you've no mind at all.

-Or a mind that knows no fear.

Is that true? Do you know no fear?

I do rather laugh in the face of fear, tweak the nose of terror.

Gosh, I'd forgotten how dishy you are!

You'd never dare! Round the Cape, the rain beats down so hard it makes your head bleed!

So some sort of hat is in order.

And drakes and dragons leap from the water and swallow ships whole!

I must pack my large shrimping net.

Edmund, you're COMPLETELY wonderful!

If you do this, I'll probably marry YOU.

Oh, yes? And who will be your captain?

There's only one sea-farer with few enough marbles to try that journey.

Who's that?

Why, Rum, of course! Captain Redbeard Rum.

Well done! Just testing!

And where would he be on a Tuesday?

-He's usually up The Old Sea Dog.

-Ah, and where is The Old Sea Dog?

On Tuesday he's normally in bed with the captain.

Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr

Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr, me laddie!

Harr-arr-arr-arr-arr, indeed!

So, Rum, I wish to hire you and your ship.

-Can we shake on it?

-Aarr!

You have a woman's hand, milord!

I wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor in a storm!

-Well, you're right there.

-Ha-ha-ha!

You have a woman's skin, milord! I'll wager it ne'er felt

the lash of the cat, been rubbed with salt and flayed off by a pirate chief

to make fine stockings for his best cabin boy.

How uncanny! How do you do it? You're right again!

Why should I let you aboard me boat?

For the money in my purse.

You have a woman's purse, milord!

I'll wager that purse has never been used as a rowing boat!

I'll wager it's never had 16 shipwrecked mariners tossing in it.

Right again. I must say, when it comes to tales of courage, I'm going to have to keep my mouth shut.

You have a woman's mouth, milord!

I wager it never chewed through a ship's side to escape the spindly killer fish.

I had no idea I would have to eat your ship as well as hire it.

Clearly you're as mad as a mongoose,

-so I'll bid you farewell.

-Damn courtiers. You're just lap-dogs to a slip of a girl.

-Better a lap-dog to a slip of a girl

than a...git!

So you DO have some spunk in you!

Don't worry, laddie. I'll come! I'll come!

Let us set sail! I'll fetch my first mate and return as fast as my legs will carry me.

Oh, you have a woman's legs, milord!

I'll wager those legs have never been sliced clean off by a falling sail

and swept into the sea before your very eyes.

-Neither have yours.

-That's where you're wrong!

-God!

-No point changing your mind. No-one else will come. It's suicide. What's the first mate's name?

-Percy.

-A nautical cove?

Yes... Well, he's a sort of...wet fish.

I'm not coming! I'm just not coming!

I mean, of course I'm very keen to go on the trip.

It's just that, unfortunately...

..I've got an appointment... to have my nostrils plucked...

..next year.

And I thought you were just a coward.

Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick! You know me! I mean...

..I laugh in the face of fear

and tweak the nose...

..of the spindly killer fish.

I'm not one of your milksops who's scared out of his mind by the mere sight of water!

Aargh!

All right, I admit it! I admit it! I'm terrified!

You see, Baldrick, when I was a baby...

..I was savaged by a turbot.

Can't you think of a plan to get me out of this?

-You could hide, my lord.

-Brilliant! Where?

Um...

In the box!

-Which one?

-That one.

Perfect!

Let's practise.

Edmund comes in and says, "Have you seen Percy?"

And you say...

..No, I haven't seen him all day.

DOOR SLAMS Oh, my God! Here he comes!

Balders, where the hell's that cretin, Percy? Have you seen him?

My lord, he's hiding in the box.

Come on, jelly brain!

Hurry up or we'll miss the tide.

Edmund, I'm SO proud!

You're just my complete hero!

Oh, dear,

I'm going all gooey now.

I'm moved.

If, during my journey, you'd sometimes spare me a thought and even go gooey again,

I would deem my certain death a minor inconvenience.

Oh, Ned! I've written a poem.

Madam, I am honoured.

'When the night is dark

'And the dogs go...

'..bark

'When the clouds are black

'And the ducks go...

'..quack

'When the sky is blue And the cows go...

'..moo...

Oh, yes!

'Think of lovely Queenie She'll be thinking of you.'

Bravo!

It's called Edmund.

Shakespeare helped with the title but the rest is all my own work.

Tush and fie, my tiddly! You didn't always make such pretty speeches.

-It's just a twinkling of a toe since you could say nothing but "Lizzie go plop, plop".

-Nursie!

Now,

I'm sure that Melchey and, er, Wally want to say something as well.

Oh, yes, indeed!

Goodbye, Blackadder.

I won't say bon voyage because you'll be dead in three months.

I love you, Walter. I hope you know that.

Farewell. The foremost cartographers have prepared this map for you. It's the area you'll be traversing.

They'd be grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along. Goodbye.

< Arr-arr-arr

What's that?

To Tilbury, me hearties!

The wind is in the sails,

the oars are in the rollocks,

and we must away!

Lady, it is my captain long on beard, short on legs.

Captain, I wish you luck from the bottom of my heart.

You have a woman's bottom, my lady.

I'll wager that sweet round pair of peachies has never been forced 'twixt two splintered planks

to plug a leak and save a ship.

Certainly not! And I'm quite pleased about it!

-Anyway, what's wrong with women's bottoms?

-Not big enough, ma'am.

Mine might be!

In that case, my little puddin' of delight,

let's beat about the bush no longer!

I'm a bluff old cove with no legs and a beard you can lose a badger in

but take me and I'll be captain of your ship for ever. What d'ya say?

Ooh, ha-ha! Yes, please!

I'll be back! We'll all be back! Arr-harr.

Edmund, this is it! Oh!

You've got clean underwear? Don't eat foreign food and watch out for strange men.

Discover me a country and bring me back a vegetable and...everything!

Madam, I shall do all I can.

Farewell!

And, er...

..don't wait up.

Gosh!

That's the last we'll see of him!

In three months, he'll be dead as a dead dodo!

Sir Walter! Really!

Ho, ho, ho! Sir Walter REALLY!

Harr-harr!

Ha-harr!

Ha-harr-harr-harr!

Not joining us in the ha-harrs, Percy?

No! I'm thinking of England and the girl I left behind me.

I didn't know you had a girl.

Oh, yes, Lady Caroline Fairfax.

Caroline! I didn't know you knew her!

Oh, yes! I even touched her once.

Touched her what?

Her...once...in a corridor.

I've never heard it called that before!

When we get home you'll be a hero! You might get to touch her twice!

I fear not!

Why not?

Because we'll never get home! We're doomed! Doomed!

Condemned to a watery grave with a captain who's legless!

Rubbish! I've hardly touched a drop!

No, I mean you haven't got any legs.

You're right there. Carry on. Sorry.

Oh, God!

We've got no hope of ever returning!

-We're certain to return.

-What?!

-Me old salts, we're not going to the Cape of Good Hope at all.

-ALL: WHAT?

-We are going to France!

ALL: FRANCE?!

But surely France has already been discovered...by the French.

Precisely! We camp in the Dordogne, get a tan, come home, say we went to the Cape and get all the glory.

Hooray!

A masterly plan, young master! It leads me to make an announcement.

-What's that, Rum?

-I don't know where the Cape of Good Hope is, anyway.

-What did you plan to do?

-The usual

sail round the Isle of Wight till everyone's dizzy and head for home.

Rascal! Still, who cares? The day after tomorrow, we'll be in Calais.

-Captain, set sail for France!

-ALL: Hooray!

So, you don't know the way to France either.

No.

I must confess that, too.

Bugger!

He's only been gone three days and I'm missing him already.

Perhaps, ma'am,

I might amuse you still further with tales of my adventures.

-Like what?

-Would you like to hear about the mad pirate king whose crew consisted wholly of men called Roger?

Heard it.

Oh! Ah...

..I could tell you the tale of the time I fell in the water and was almost eaten by a hammerhead shark.

Yes, all right. Try that one.

Well, ma'am...

..I fell in the water and was almost eaten by a shark.

And the funny thing is,

it's head was exactly the same shape as a hammer!

God! You'd better bring me some presents

-before I go off explorers completely!

-Ma'am...

-And I'll tell you something else

Edmund was right you DO smell of fish.

Pooey!

ARGUMENTATIVE BABBLE

Look, there's no need to panic. One of the crew will know how to steer.

-The crew, milord?

-Yes, the crew.

What crew?

I had the impression it was common maritime practice for a ship to have a crew.

Opinion is divided on the subject.

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

All the other captains say it is, I say it isn't.

Oh, God! Mad as a brush!

-Sir Walter's death warrant for your signature, Majesty.

-Good.

Any news of Edmund?

Well, madam, if they're on course...

..they should be nearing the urine drinking stage by now.

Don't be horrid. Edmund would rather die!

I fear that's wishful thinking, Majesty.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Enter.

So soon?

You said today.

I'm not feeling very thirsty at the moment, dammit!

I had an eggcup of stagnant water three weeks ago.

-All right, let's get on with it.

Shall we drink each others or stick to our own?

-Baldrick!

-Sorry, my lord.

Is Rum joining our bring-a-sample party or is he sitting this one out?

Oh, he's been swigging his for ages he says he likes it.

Actually, he started before the water ran out.

Oh, God! Well, let's get on with it.

It's always the same! You get all keyed up and then you can't go!

I've done two bottles.

-All right, pour it out. That it's come to this drinking Baldrick's water!

-Say when.

When.

Down the hatch!

CAPTAIN RUM: Land A-hoy!

-BUMP, CREAK

-France, at last!

Young master, through fair winds and fine seamanship, our vessel is once more on the shores of Old Blighty.

ALL: Hurray! We've landed at Southampton Dock.

ALL: Hurray! Fare thee well!

Last one up The Dog gets a lick of the cat.

-TROPICAL BIRD CAWS

-Don't look much like Southampton!

Well...streams of molten lava and a steaming mangrove swamp...

-RHYTHMIC DRUMMING

-..and that crowd of natives

-rubbing their tummies and pointing to a large pot.

-Oh, God!

Where are they now?

Well, if they haven't been eaten by cannibals,

they should be back any minute.

Ma'am!

Edmund, you're alive!

Oh, yes!

-And your silly friend!

-Lord Percy, ma'am.

-And your monkey!

-Your Majesty.

-But where is Captain Rum?

-Bad news, milady.

Rum is dead.

Nya-aa-ow!

Do not despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life that his friends might live.

And so that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.

-They put him in the pot?

-Yes, your fiance was only a third-rate sailor but a first-rate second course.

Nyaa-ow!

However, we did manage to save something of him as a memento.

Oh!

My lucky stars!

I shall wear it always to remind me of him!

However, ma'am...

..I am now returned

and my mind cannot help remembering talk of wedding bells.

No, I'm bored with explorers and if you haven't brought me any presents, I'll have you executed.

I only let Raleigh off because he blubbed on his way to the block.

Presents, please!

Um, yes, ma'am...yes.

Well, there was one thing, ma'am.

-Good.

-An extraordinary gift from an island paradise.

-Hurry up!

-What is it?

-A stick.

Is it a stick, Lord Blackadder?

Yes, but it's a very special stick

because when you throw it away... it comes back!

Well, that's no good, is it? When I throw things away I DON'T want them to come back!

You!

-Get rid of it!

-Certainly, ma'am.

What else have you brought?

-There wasn't much time, what with picking weevils out of biscuits...

-Where's that spare death warrant?

It's wonderful!

-But what about Melchey and Raleigh? Didn't you bring something for them?

-Er...

Nursie's got her beard, I've got my stick what about the two boys?

Um...yes, yes!

Well, er...there was...

-..there was one thing, ma'am...

-Yes?

..a fine wine from the Far East,

a most delicious beverage.

Have a taste, boys. Tell us what you think.

It certainly has plenty of nose!

Oh, yes, this is very familiar.

I'm sure you'll be glad to hear there is an inexhaustible supply.

Subtitles by Helen Rankin, 1994