Money Blackadder

-KNOCKING

-Go away!

My lord, there is someone to see you.

-Oh, God! What time is it?

-Four o'clock.

Baldrick, I said not to let me sleep all day. This woman charges by the hour!

No, my lord, it's four in the morning.

Someone wants to see me NOW? What is he? A giant lark?

-No, he's a priest.

-Tell him I'm Jewish!

-Aren't you going to introduce me?

-What?

-Introduce me to your friend.

Very well, but you're making a mistake. Baldrick, may I introduce...

-..sorry, your name was..?

-Mollie!

-Baldrick, this is Mollie, a dear friend of mine.

-I'm not dear!

I'm very reasonable, actually.

-Others would charge an extra sixpence for what HE wants...

-All right!

This is Mollie, a cheap prostitute. Mollie, meet Baldrick, a pointless peasant! Now, may I sleep, please?

-What about this priest?

-Tell him to take his sacred backside away!

If he begs here again, I'll report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells

who drowns babies at christenings and eats them!

Very good, my lord.

Bye, Baldrick. Bye-bye, Mollie.

Get out!

You're a one, aren't you?

When you SHOULD whisper things like "Goodness, that's twice the size of the Royal Barge!" you don't speak,

but with the Creature from the Black Latrine you don't stop!

He treated me like a human being.

If I wanted a lecture on the Rights of Man, I'd bed Martin Luther!

Yes, Baldrick, what is it now?

That priest still wants to see you.

What did he say when you mentioned the baby-eating Bishop?

He said, "I AM THE BABY-EATING BISHOP!"

Good Lord!

-You haven't any children, have you?

-No. I'm not married.

In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get down to business!

-Do you know what day it is?

-No, but...

It is one year ago to the day that the Bank of the Black Monks of St Herod

"Banking with a Smile and a Stab"

of which I am the assistant manager

lent you ONE THOUSAND POUNDS!

Our motto is "Repayment...

"..or REVENGE"!

Naturally, I WOULD have paid you, but unfortunately and this is the real bugger I've lost my wallet!

DIS-AS-TEROUS! It had all my addresses in it,

all those notes saying "Forget Ye Not" and all my MONEY!

That's no concern of mine. Not to repay a debt is a sin, and we Black Monks HATE SIN!

Ah! Your Grace, may I introduce...

..my mother! Mother, this is...

Good morning, my dear!

I hope you haven't forgotten OUR appointment?

Of course not, pumpie!

I have a mind, my pretty, to play nuns and novices, so don't forget your wimple!

As for YOU...you come with me!

-Where?

-To visit the LAST poor fool who...LOST HIS WALLET!

RAVENS CAW

"William Greaves, born 1513 in Chelmsford with the love of Christ,

"died 1563 in...

"..agony with a spike up his bottom!"

'Tis ever and so with the Black Monks!

Screamed did he and gurgled as they skewered his cat-flap for want of a farthing!

I think you get my message.

Indeed, but let me just test the water.

Suppose I was to say, "I'm a close friend of the Queen's

"and she'd be very interested to hear about you and Mollie, so why don't we call it quits, eh, fatso?"

I would say, firstly,

the Queen would not believe you,

and, secondly, that you'll REGRET CALLING ME FATSO LATER TODAY!

I will have my money by Evensong, or...

SLURPING BREATH

..YOUR BOTTOM WILL WISH IT HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!

SHUDDERS

Poor Tom was a-cold! Pity poor Tom, for his nose was frozen!

He doth shiver and is...MA-A-A-DD!

Shut up!

So, lads, I'm up a certain creek without a certain instrument.

Either I raise £1,000 today or I get murdered. What shall I do?

It's obvious.

You'll have to get murdered.

Oh, come now, Baldrick! A piffling thousand? Pay the fellow, Edmund, and damn his impudence!

I haven't got £1,000, dung-head! I've got £85!

But you told the Queen you are wealthy!

A cunning web of deceit spun about the court to improve my standing.

What? You mean you've been...

..fibbing?!

Yep. My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers.

I'm one of England's finest liars.

-Percy! A giant hummingbird is eating your cloak!

-OH, NO!

-See? I'm terrific!

It seems to have gone now.

-Couldn't you just dip into the family fortune?

-There isn't one.

My father blew it all on wine, women and amateur dramatics!

At the end, he eked out a living doing impressions of Anne of Cleves!

Oh, Edmund, I AM sorry. I had no idea.

But do not despair, for I have some small savings,

harvested from my weekly allowance, set aside for my frail old age.

It is just over a thousand, methinks.

It is hid beyond the wit of any thief in an old sock...

-..under the squeaky floorboard...

-..behind the kitchen dresser.

You've seen it?

Seen it, pinched it, spent it.

-And the same goes for the two farthings Baldrick thinks he's got in that mouldy potato.

-Bloody hell!

Then...you are doomed.

Alas.

For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet...

-..and tell sad stories...

-Certainly not!

Lord Blackadder does not sit about!

You won't be able to with a spike up your bottom!

I've got £85 and that's a start. I'll think of something if I'm not disturbed.

The Queen demands your immediate presence!

Oh, damn! The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd!

-Madam, you sent for me?

-Did I? I don't remember.

What a naughty scatterbrain I am!

SNAP!

-Then, may I withdraw, ma'am? I have some tiny matters to attend to.

-Certainly.

PEALS OF LAUGHTER

-That was a terrific joke, wasn't it?

-Magnificent! Ever so naughty!

-What, my lady?

-I DO know why I wanted to see you. I just PRETENDED I didn't and I fooled you!

It worked BRILLIANTLY, didn't it?

It was terrific, madam.

I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split.

So, why DID you want to see me?

To crack the lovely joke!

Or don't you think the Queen's jokes funny enough to be troubled with?

Au contraire. I am ecstatic about this.

I only didn't laugh out loud because I was afraid my head would fall off.

If you don't start soon... your head WILL fall off!

Now pay Melchie his £85 and run along.

-£85?

-Yes. We had a bet. I said you wouldn't fall for my trick,

and Melchie said you would because I'm so super and you're so stupid. You owe him £85.

Oh, fine, fine. I mean, it's ONLY money, isn't it?!

I cannot believe it! She drags me from Billingsgate to Richmond

to play the weakest practical joke since Cardinal Wolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court

and stood at the end of the passage pretending to be a door!

GUFFAWS

Shut up, Balders, YOU'D laugh at a Shakespeare comedy!

-Edmund! I have awaited your return!

-Thank God you did.

I die in 12 hours, what I REALLY need is a hug from a complete PRAT (!)

But fear not, for I have a plan to save the life of my dear friend!

-I'm not interested in your friends, what about me?

-Not bad, Edmund!

All right, what's your plan, blockhead?

I intend to discover this very afternoon...

..the secret of ALCHEMY

the hidden art of turning base things into GOLD!

I see. The fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent people doesn't dampen your spirits at all?

Oh, no, I like a challenge!

Well, Balders, I lost the £85.

The grave opens up before me like a...

..big hole in the ground!

I did have one idea, my lord, but...

-..no, it's stupid.

-What is it?

Well, I have heard there's good money to be made down at the docks...

..doing favours for sailors.

Favours? What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons?

Not quite.

-Baldrick?

-My lord?

-Are you suggesting that I become a RENT BOY?

Well, good looking bloke, posh accent, nice legs, could make a bomb.

-Just stick a pink carnation in your hat and make a sign.

-I'd rather die!

Fair enough. I'll make tea while we wait.

On second thoughts, with a slight alteration, your sick and sordid plan might just work!

Give me a kiss and I'll give you a penny.

-A PENNY?!

-All right, tuppence!

-All right. Go on.

Nothing fancy, just a peck. I miss my mum, you see.

When I was a kid, my mum...

Get a move on! He's a prostitute, not an agony aunt!

Just a peck on the cheek and say,

"There, there, Arthur. Mummy'll kiss it better and you can have a story."

Do you DO requests, Baldrick?

What? Kinky stuff? Yeah, I'm game.

Go on, PLEASE! I miss my mother SO much!

She was like a mother to me!

All right, go on.

-I've forgotten what to say.

-Get out of the way, I'LL do it!

There, there, Arthur. Mummy kiss it better and you shall have a story.

-What kind of a story?

-I don't know. One about a squirrel, I suppose.

-Then Squirry the Squirrel went...

-Nip! Nip! Nip!

-..and they all went home for tea.

-Thanks very much, me old shivering mateys, that was wonderful!

Now, how much do you charge for a good hard shag?

A thousand pounds!

-A thousand pounds?! You've got to be joking!

-Well, I'm sure we could negotiate.

Right, so we've got sixpence!

Now, we need to go to the cock fight and put it on a bird that's a dead cert,

but that has odds of 40,000 to one!

Know you of such a bird?

No.

But we could MAKE one!

No, we couldn't, Baldrick.

Oh, God, I suppose you have to be told some time. Sit down.

When a mummy and daddy bird love each other very much, they get certain urges...

No, my lord, I mean, we could disguise a mad killer bull as a bird.

It'll be such a strange looking bird that no-one will back it,

but we will, 'cos we know it's a bull!

-Only WE will know it's a bull?

-Yes, if we hang an egg between its legs!

All right, Baldrick. A chat with you and, somehow, death loses its sting!

-The Queen demands your urgent presence.

-You're not making any friends here, you know!

-Madam, you sent for me again?

-Yes, Edmund.

I wanted to apologise for my silly trick.

-It was naughty and bad of me.

-It WAS, rosebud.

If you weren't so big, Mr and Mrs Spank would pay a short trip to Botty-land!

Thank you, Nursie.

And thank YOU, Edmund.

-That's all?

-Yes.

Thanks for coming.

THEY ERUPT WITH LAUGHTER

That was very funny, too, wasn't it?!

My lady?

Dragging you ALL the way across town just to say sorry for dragging you across town before!

It was Melchett's idea. I think it's wonderful, don't you?

It's fantastic. Melchett, I prostrate myself before the world's greatest comedian.

Oh, you are SUPER, Edmund!

Oh, Edmund, I promised Lord Melchett I would play shove halfpenny,

-have you got a halfpenny?

-No, just a sixpence, ma'am, what a shame!

-A sixpence will do just as well.

-Oh, GOOD (!)

God! This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the 100 Years War!

Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?

My lord! Success!

What?

After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold! PURE GOLD!

-Are you sure?

-Yes, my lord!

BEHOLD!

Percy...it's green!

-That's right.

-I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold is gold!

That's why it is CALLED gold. What you have discovered if it has a name is some...GREEN.

Oh, Edmund!

Can it be true...

..that I hold here in my mortal hand a nugget of purest GREEN?!

Indeed you do, Percy, except it's more a SPLAT than a nugget!

Well, yes, a splat today, but TOMORROW who knows...

..or dares to dream?!

-So, we three alone in all the world can create the finest green at will?

-Just so.

-I'm not sure about counting Baldrick!

-You know what your discovery means, Percy?

-Maybe.

That you, Percy, Lord Percy...

..are an utter berk!

-Baldrick, pack my bags. I'm going to sell the house.

-What?!

-What?

-I shall miss the old place, I know.

I've had some happy times here

when you and Percy have been out!

But needs must when the Devil vomits into your kettle!

Baldrick, go forth into the street and let it be known I want to sell.

Percy...

..just go forth into the street!

This is the den.

Ooh, dear!

I must say, Mr Pants, I've had an encouraging nibble from another client

and you know I'm not the sort of man to ignore a nibble for long!

There's dry rot in the bedrooms, Timothy.

Well, dry rot is as dry rot does. Stop me if I get too technical.

-The floors are a little uneven!

-Yes, madam, and at no extra cost!

-Strange smell!

-That's the servant. He'll be gone.

You've really worked out your banter!

Not really. This is spontaneous and it's called wit!

-What about the privies?

-When the architect was looking into sewage,

he said to himself, "Romeo" for 'twas his name "Romeo, let's make them functional and comfortable!"

-That seems nice, dun't it?

-We understand each other.

-Drink?

-But what about the privies?!

Well, what we are talking about in privy terms,

is the latest in front-wall, open-air orifices combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation!

You mean you crap out of a window!

YES!

Well, in that case, we'll definitely take it!

I can't stand those dirty indoor things!

There. That's the lot.

-He only wanted to pay £1,000. I beat him up to £1,100!

-You wily trickster!

I just named the price. Baldrick beat him up.

Percy, WHAT is on the front of your tunic?

It is a brooch, my lord. A brooch cunningly fashioned from pure green!

It looks like you've sneezed!

It is with trinkets such as this brooch, and here, a ring,

that I intend to revive your fortunes and buy back your house!

-Is there a big market for jewelry that looks like snot, then?

-My lord!

The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since gone!

-My lord...

-Ah, messenger! We couldn't have waited another second without you!

-Your Majesty?!

-Thank God you've arrived! Terrible news!

-What?

The French intend to invade.

My God!

So I need some money.

-Every nobleman must pay £500 towards the navy's upkeep.

-But we've decided to make you a special case.

-Thank you!

-Melchie hasn't got a bean, so, as you're SO wealthy, you can pay for both!

-It'd be awfully sweet of you.

-Sorry, madam, I haven't any money on me!

-Edmund...

-Sorry...

-What's that in your tights?

Oh. Good Lord!

It looks like just over £1,000.

So it is.

But you said you didn't have any!

I thought you meant REAL money! This is just loose change. I must've left it in my cod-piece in the wash!

Gosh! £1,000 just loose in your tights? That IS flash!

Hand it over. Thanks. Bye.

Right.

Well, goodbye indeed.

Goodbye, ma'am. Goodbye, Melchett.

Goodbye, Nursie.

Bye-ee!

Oh, SILLY old Edmund!

-He was completely fooled! It was a BRILLIANT joke, Melchett!

-Brilliant, ma'am!

And now I'm going to have you executed.

M-M-Majesty?

It's for taking the mickey out of my beloved Edmund so cruelly. I'm going to knock your block off!

But Majesty, I only acted to please! PLEASE! I SO WANT TO LIVE!

Oh, praise the Lord for the gift of laughter (!)

-I've lost the money. I have to run away.

-Why?

-To avoid these monks!

-There's no point. The Black Bank has branches everywhere.

-Oh, damn!

-If I die, will people remember me?

-Yes, of course they will.

-I suppose so.

Yeah, people will always be laughing and saying, "Do you remember old Privy Breath?"

Do people call me Privy Breath?!

Yeah. The ones who like you.

Am I then not popular?

Well, when people slip in what dogs have left in the street, they do say, "Oops, I've trod in an Edmund!"

-BLOODY CHEEK! I'LL show them!

-Have you got a plan, my lord?

-Yes!

It's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it!

I need feathers, a dress, oil, an easel, a sleeping draught,

-paper, a prostitute and a good portrait painter!

-I'll get them now!

My lord, the most famous portrait painter in England Mr Leonardo Acropolis!

-Are you any good?

-No! I am a GEY-NIUS!

-You'd better be, or you're dead!

-KNOCKING

-Right. In the bedroom, beard-face! Baldrick, get the door.

My lord, the Bishop of Bath and Wells!

-The time has come, Blackadder!

-Hello, Bish.

-The Black Monks will have their money, or

-I

-will have my fun!

-You enjoy your work, don't you?

-Bits of it, yes.

-The violent bits?

Yes. You see...

..I am a colossal pervert!

No form of sexual depravity is too low for me.

-Animal, vegetable or mineral I'll do anything to anything!

-Fine words for a bishop.

Nice to hear the Church speaking out for a change on social issues!

-Have you got the money?

-Nope.

-Good! I hate it when people pay up!

-Say your prayers, Blackadder! It's POKER TIME!

-Fine.

Aren't you concerned you'll be found out?

No. I kill, I maim, I fornicate,

but as far as my flock are concerned, my only VICE is a tipple before Evensong. Oh, thank you.

BEND OVER, BLACKADDER!

This is where you get your...AARGH! DRUGGED...

..BY GOD!

By Baldrick, actually, but the same effect.

Wakey-wakey, Bish.

You clerics really are slug-a-beds!

-Where am I? Oh, I remember drugged!

-That's right.

You should have killed me while you had the chance!

You have looked in wonder at your last dawn!

I doubt it. I did wonder, though, what people who saw THIS might say!

-What creatures from hell are those?!

-They make an interesting couple, eh?

You'll probably recognise this huge, sweating, mound of blubber here!

Eh, fatso?!

Uh, uh, uh.

There's no point anyway. We have the preliminary sketches!

A copy for the Queen, one for the Archbishop,

-a couple set aside to form the basis of an exhibition of young artists' work.

-How did you get me to do THAT?

It's beautifully framed, don't you think?

Ironic, really, because so are you!

You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded peversity!

Have you considered a career in the Church?

I couldn't get used to the underwear.

But I COULD use £1,000 to buy back my house, £4,000 for expenses, ten shillings for the two doors

and thruppence for a celebratory binge at Mrs Miggins' Pie Shoppe!

Yes, yes.

But first, one question.

Who is the second figure?

Who could you have got to perform such deeds?

Who has plunged such depths of degradation just to save YOUR filthy life?!

Ah, Percy. May I introduce His Grace, the Bishop of Bath and Wells.

Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy, heir to the Duchy of Northumberland.

Hello.

It was...lovely working with you!

# Take heed the moral of this tale

# Be not a borrower or lender.

# And if your finances do fail,

# Make sure your banker's not a bender!

# Blackadder, Blackadder!

# He trusted in the Church.

# Blackadder, Blackadder!

# It left him in the lurch.

# Blackadder, Blackadder!

# His life was almost done.

# Blackadder, Blackadder! Who gives a toss? No-one! #

Subtitles by Sharon Backer, 1994