Beer Blackadder

I say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to let me share your breakfast.

It is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out intelligent company

and through learned discourse, he rises above the savage, nearer God.

-Yes, I heard that.

-I

-start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.

Beshrew me! You're in good fooling today!

-Only stupid actors say "Beshrew me"!

-Oh, I'd love to be an actor.

-I was a talented actor in my youth - "the man of a thousand faces".

-So, why d'you choose that ugly mug?

-Ha! Tush, my lord!

-Don't say "tush", either.

Next you'll say "Hey nonny nonny" and I'll have to call the police.

Well! God pats me on the head and says, "Good boy."!

My aunt and uncle, the two most fanatical puritans in England, are coming to dinner tonight.

-Aren't they frightful bores?

-Yep. With one redeeming feature.

Their wallets.

More capacious than an elephant's scrotum and just as difficult to get your hands on! Until now!

They wish to discuss my inheritance.

-Hey nonny nonny! Good news!

-BALDRICK!

-Why is there a piece of cheese on the end of your nose?

-To catch mice.

I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.

-And do they?

-Not yet, my lord.

Well, your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom.

You'll only catch a mouse without a nose.

Pity! The nose is the best bit on a mouse.

A luxury compared to what I'll eat tonight.

Percy and I are entertaining puritan vegetable folk, and that means... no meat!

-Then I'll make my turnip surprise.

-Surprise?

There's nothing in it but turnip.

In other words, turnip surprise is...a turnip.

Oh, yeah.

-KNOCKING

-Get the door, Baldrick.

If things go well tonight it seems congratulations are in order.

Nice try, but you won't get a penny.

LOUD CRASH

Baldrick, your imminent explanation had better be phenomenally good.

You said, "Get the door".

-No good. You're fired.

-But I've been in your family since 1532!

-So has syphilis. Now get out!

-Very well.

By the way, a messenger was outside.

He says the Queen wants to see you. Lord Melchett is very sick.

-Really?!

-Yeah. He's at death's door.

Well, my loyal old reinstated family retainer. Let's open it for him, then!

Edmund! Quick!

-He's dying! We must do something!

-Of course. Some sort of celebration.

But let's wait till he's snuffed it.

-Nursie's old methods aren't working.

-Come on, little tummy.

MELCHETT GROANS

I was tucked into bed last night at two o'clock having a scrummy dream about ponies when I was woken

by a terrific banging from Melchett.

Well! I never knew he had it in him!

But it's true. He was banging on the castle gates, falling over and singing a strange song

-about a girl with a dicky dido?!

-Oh, yes.

It's a lovely old hymn, isn't it? Well, Ma'am...

-..I know what's wrong with Melchett and, unfortunately, it isn't fatal.

-Well, cure him!

I'm fed up with his groaning.

And letting off such great, flabby woof-woofs! I can scarcely... I can't believe my tiny noseling!

Truth is... Melchett just can't take his ale.

I protest! What I drank last night would have floored a rhinoceros.

-If it was allergic to lemonade.

-It's Blackadder can't take his ale.

-Oh, yeah?!

-Yeah!

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

-Nursie, the boys are getting tough!

Remember the shame of the King of Austria's visit

when Blackadder was found naked at Hampton Court, singing...

.."I'm Merlin the happy pig"!

-What did you have? A half pint of potato juice?

-On the contrary.

Two flagons of claret and curried turtle. It's no holds barred at the annual communion wine-tasting!

-For me and the wild boys EVERY night is drinkey night.

-Says who?

-Says me!

-You?

-Yeah!

-You wanna come around and see the underside of MY table!

-Yes, tonight!

-Tonight?

-Yeah. Scared?

-Perhaps he's a wet and a weed.

-All right, then. Tonight! I'll be there.

-Hooray!

And last one under the table gets...

..ten thousand florins from the loser.

Ma'am?!

Right, I'll get the beer in.

Nursie...

-Do you know what I'm going to do?

-What?

-I'm going to find out what happens at these boys' nights.

-Good, poppet.

-I'll wear a cloak with a cowl so no-one will recognise me.

-Another good idea!

Ha! You're so clever today your foot might fall off.

-Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas?

-Certainly does.

My brother had the idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe.

His foot fell off!

Right. We need a drunken lout

with the intelligence of a four-year-old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey.

Cardinal Wolsey!

-BALDRICK!

-My lord?

-Why?

-The all-mouse diet got boring. Thought I'd try a cat for variety.

Good. Now, returning to the real world...

-Do you have a knife?

-Yeah.

-Good. I wish to send some invitations.

To make them look tough, I'm writing in blood...YOUR blood to be exact.

-How much blood will you actually require?

-Not much. A small puddle.

Will you want me to cut anything off? An arm? A leg?

God, no! A little prick will do.

Very well. I am your bondsman and must obey.

God, no! A little prick on your finger!

I haven't got one there!

-Forget it!

-Thank you, my lord.

-Right, Perce. How's the list going?

-Very well indeed.

-What about my girlfriend, Gwendolyn?

-Sorry, no chicks! Who else?

That's as far as I got, actually.

-Right. Copy! First, Simon Partridge.

-Not Farters Parters?!

-Also known as Mister Ostrich!

-Even he!

-But he's a fearful oik!

Takes one to know one.

-Second, Sir Piddle.

-Not "Here's to Cardinal Chunder" Piddle?!

-The same.

Thirdly, Freddie Frobisher, the flatulent hermit of Lindisfarne.

Oh, pong, pong!

-That should do the trick.

-Your aunt and uncle are coming, too!

Oh, yes!... Oh, no!

It does look a teeny bit like trying to get out of it.

Quite the wrong impression, Ma'am! Just not tonight!

-Certainly not!

-I beg your pardon?

Well, next thing he'll want to get out of having his bath altogether!

-Not baths, Nursie!

-Why not! How else can he keep clean? Soon he won't want his nappy changed!

Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.

-Then it's even more important that he has a bath!

-Shut up, Nursie!

I know why you're getting out of it. I remember the last party you had.

I found you in a puddle, in a pointy hat, singing a song about goblins.

All right. Tonight it is!

Oh, Edmund, I do love it when you get cross.

I'd love to have you executed, just to see the look on your face.

-We've got two parties here tonight that must be kept totally separate.

-Right!

-Right!

One, a total piss-up involving beer-throwing, breakages and wall-to-wall vomit, to be held here,

-in Baldrick's bedroom.

-Thank you, my lord!

Percy will join me in here

for the gourmet turnip evening.

-Is the turnip surprise ready?

-Yes...

THEY SNIGGER

What's so funny?

Well, when Baldrick and I were preparing the turnip surprise...

..we had a surprise...we found a turnip that had exactly the shape...

..of a thingy!

A thingy?

-Mmm...mmm...

-A great big thingy! It was terrific.

Size is no guarantee of quality.

Most horses are well-endowed but aren't necessarily sensitive lovers. I trust you've removed this item.

-Yes, my lord.

-Good.

Nothing stops an inheritance like a thingy-shaped turnip.

-Absolutely! But it was jolly funny!

-Yes, yes!

-I found it particularly ironic

as I have a thingy that's shaped like a turnip!

-I'm a great hit at parties.

-Are you?

-I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children.

What fun (!) Perhaps you forgot that I've a drinking contest here tonight with ten thousand florins at stake.

-Oh dear!

-What?

First, you haven't got ten thousand. And third, one drop of ale and you fall over, singing about the goblin.

Nonsense! But just in case it is true...

-It is true actually.

-All right.

Now, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, you must pass me water in an ale bottle.

When you call for ale, I pass water.

Percy, you must stay here and suck up to my aunt.

Trust me. I can handle a woman.

Oh, God!

-KNOCKING

-Right, here goes.

Yes, all right.

Uncle! Aunt! Greetings! How nice it is to see you!

Wicked child! Don't lie! Everyone hates us and you know it.

Yes... May I introduce my friend, Lord Percy.

Well, well, Eddie. Such a good-looking aunt!

Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness. I know what I like and I like what I see.

Be gone, Satan!

Well...a pleasant inheritance?

Inheritance?! I meant "journey". Help yourself...

..to a legacy. Er...to a chair!

-Chair! You have chairs in the house?!

-Yes!

Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan!

In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!

-And yourself?

-I sit on Nathaniel.

-Two spikes would be an extravagance!

-Quite.

I will suffer comfort this once. We'll just stick forks in our legs between courses.

I trust you remember we eat no meat!

Heaven forbid! Here we feast only on God's lovely turnip...mashed!

-Mashed?!

-Yes.

-Wicked child! Mashing is the work of Beelzebub!

-For Satan saw God's blessed turnip and he envied it and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape.

-Ah!

I shall have my turnip as God intended.

Fine. Baldrick!

Fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip.

-We've only got the one...

-Just do it.

Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed or as God intended?

He will not answer. He has taken a vow of silence.

I believe that silence is golden.

Ahem...! (Inheritance).

-LOUD KNOCKING Other guests, Edmund?!

-Certainly not!

Good. Guests are others to fornicate with!

MORE LOUD KNOCKING

I'll tell them to fornicate off! Percy!

Um...er...yes!

Well... Lord Whiteadder, a vow of silence?!

Quite an interesting thing!

Tell me about it.

# Happy Birthday to you

# Happy Birthday to you

< # Happy Birthday...

# ..Eddie, baby,

# Happy Birthday to you. #

It's not my birthday...ARCHDEACON!

Ha! Well, get stuck in, boys!

STUCK IN! Wa-hay! Geddit?

Sounds a bit rude! STUCK IN!

-KNOCKING

-Sorry. Back in a tick.

Wa-hay! A tick, lads! That sounds a bit like "bum"!

Melchett! Avoiding the early drinking?

You're not even wearing a pair of comedy breasts!

Au contraire.

Let's wait till we get down to the serious drinking.. No, this way!

WHOO-OO-OO-OO-AH!

-Good evening.

-This is Lord Melchett.

-HOORAY!

-Give him a large one.

-A large one! Wa-hay! Geddit?

No! Yes, you do. LARGE one!

Sounds a bit rude! WA-HAY!

-The conversation may be over your head, but you'll get used to it. Well, down the hatch!

-WA-HAY!

KNOCKING

-I heard there was a party on.

-Two! And you're invited to neither.

-

-I'm a friend of Lord Percy.

-Ah, Gwendolyn! Come in.

-Thank you.

-It's in here.

Sorry. Carol singers.

Ahem...Ahem...AHEM!

Sorry. He's sick.

Leprosy... of the brain.

He's telling you that you are wearing

a pair of devil's dumplings!

Oh, my God! My ear-muffs!

Er... It's cold. Wouldn't you like a pair?

No, thank you. Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics.

-Which reminds me, Auntie...

-Don't call me Auntie!

Aunties are relatives, and relatives are evidence of sex! Not a fitting subject for the dinner table!

Or any table!

Except perhaps in a brothel.

-OW!

-Percy, you've fallen off your chair.

What was I saying? ..Oh, my God!

Your turnip, my lady.

Very good, very good.

Nathaniel, this takes me back to our wedding night.

We had raw turnips that night, too.

< WA-HAY! WA-HAY!

-What was that?

-What was what?

-That noise.

Noise? Did you hear a noise, Percy?

-No.

-Good.

-Apart from that huge drunken roar.

-Ow!

-Oh, that noise!

It's the Catholics next door.

-Aaaargh!

-I'll go and burn them. Back in a minute. Percy!

KNOCKING

-I'm suffocating.

-Thank God you knocked!

Come on, take a deep breath.

SHE GASPS

-Better?

-Yes.

-Good.

I'll say one thing for Catholics. They do have natural rhythm.

MELCHETT! WA-HAY!

I see you're not drinking.

Don't worry. I'm holding my own here.

Wa-hay! Holding my own! That's incredibly rude!

Yes, well, I never went to university.

That doesn't explain why you don't drink with us.

I came to talk to you about that. What about ten minutes' silence for some really serious drinking?

YEAH!

-Ssh! Ssh!

-SSSSH! SSSSSH!

I said, "Give me silence", not drench me with dribble.

Here's a nice glass of cider.

-Oh! Only cider! I'm putting brandy in it!

-HOORAY!

MELCHETT: Quiet! Ssh!

Ow!

-How are we all going then?

-Not well. Let us discuss your inheritance.

Yes, good. A little drink first?

Drink! Wicked child. Drink is urine from the last leper in Hell!

Oh, no...no. This is only water!

This is a house of simple purity.

Great booze-up, Edmund! Phaaart!

Do you know that man?

No.

He called you Edmund.

-Know HIM? Oh, yes, I do.

-Then what did he mean by "great booze-up"?

Well...

..my friend is a missionary...

..and on his last visit abroad, brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe.

His name is Great Boo.

He's been suffering from sleeping sickness.

And he's obviously just woken.

As you heard, GREAT BOO'S UP!

-Well done!

-I'd better go visit him! Perce, over to you!

Yes. How about some sort of game?

How about a bit of...

..Shove-piggy-shove?

Blackadder, you challenged me to a drinking contest earlier and you haven't touched a drop.

-Nonsense!

-It's true. You twist and turn like a...twisty-turny thing.

-You're a weedy pigeon. Call me Susan if it isn't so.

-All right. All right. Baldrick!

Fetch my incredibly strong ale.

-Not Dr McGloo's Amber Enema?!

-A drink for schoolgirls!

-Not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy?!

-No, it is Blackadder's Bowel-Basher.

Knocks the backside off a concrete elephant,

-does it not, Baldrick?

-No, it's water.

What?! Water?!

Er...ha, ha! (Presuming, Baldrick, you wish to see another dawn...)

-You did call for your incredibly strong ale?

-Yes, that's right.

-Good.

I thought I'd made a mistake.

Oh! It is water!

Come on, lads! Let's give him a real drink.

-Oh, fine!

-Bums up!

Wa-hay! Bums! Sounds a bit like "bums"...

Drink, Blackadder, drink!

ALL: Wa-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-AY!

Percy!

I lost the bet.

Edmund, explain yourself!

-SLURRING:

-I can't. Not just like that.

I'm a complicated person, Auntie.

Sometimes I'm nice. And sometimes I'm nasty. Hee...hee!

And sometimes I just like to sing little songs like...

-#

-See the little goblin...

-#

Explain why you've a cardinal's hat on, why you're grinning inanely...

..and why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your britches.

I'm wearing a cardinal's hat cos I'm Cardinal Chunder.

I've an ostrich feather up my bottom

cos Mister Ostrich put it there to keep in the little pixie.

I'm grinning inanely cos I've almost conned you and your daft husband out of a whopping inheritance. Hee, hee!

Is that right? May I remind you, cursed creature...

-Your inheritance depends upon your not drinking or gambling.

-Oh, yes. The devil farts in my face again.

Not mentioning farts was also a condition.

Shove off, you old trout!

How dare you speak to my husband like that!

Nathaniel, we're leaving.

And you...

-Yes?

-Has anyone ever told you you're a giggling imbecile.

Oh, yes.

Good.

Good riddance, you old witch!

-KNOCKING

-Oh! She's forgotten her broomstick.

Look, I just wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening.

Yes. First rate, all round. Particularly your jester.

By the way. I loved the turnip. Very funny.

Exactly the same shape as a thingy!

Good God!

Look who it is!

Who? Well, it's a boys' party - she's a girl...

..so she must be the stripper!

Oh, no! Don't get too depressed, Edmund.

I mean...

..money isn't everything.

Well, think of clouds and daisies

and the smiles on little babies' faces.

Be quiet, Percy.

This way! < WA-HAY!

Whoa! Another stripper! ALL: Hooray!

And a male stripper! Hooray!

Yes! This is much more like it! OOOH!

And she's come dressed as a queen!

Ooooh! S-E-X-Y!

Do you know who I am?

Yes, I know who you are.

Who?

You're Merlin the happy pig.

ALL: Hooray!

Wrong, I'm afraid. I AM the Queen of England.

I may have the body of a weak and and feeble woman,

but I have the heart and stomach

of a concrete elephant.

Prove it!

Certainly will.

First, I'll have a little drinkie.

And then I'll execute the whole bally lot of you.

-#

-See the little goblin See his little feet

-#

-And his litttle nosey-wose Isn't the goblin sweet!

-#

-ALL: Yes!

-Wait a minute!

I'm sure I had to do something important to you all this morning.

WA-HAY!

Something about ten thousand florins?

-No, an inheritance!

-Look!

-Do you want to hear about the goblin or not?

-YEAH!

Right, perhaps this time I might be allowed to finish, with any luck!

Luck?! Hee, hee!

Wa-hay! Geddit?!

ALL: Umm...NO!

Oh, come on! "Luck"!

Sounds almost exactly like f...

# Blackadder's calling for his beer

# The art of boozing he's not mastered

# And I, your merry balladeer

# Am also well and truly plastered

# Blackadder, Blackadder

# A bit like Robin Hood

# Blackadder, Blackadder

# But nothing like as good

# Blackadder (hic) Blackadder

# I thought that he had died

# Blackadder, Blackadder

# Our writers must have lied.#

Subtitles by Joachim Hillier - 1994 -