Chains Blackadder
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
Get out! Get out, libidinous swine! | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
Take that whore, strumpet with you! | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
Go rot in the filth of fornication! | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
And what did you say to him? | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
Nothing. I pulled up my tights and jumped out of the privy window. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:52 | |
Oh, Edmund, you're SO naughty! | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
I try, madam. Then, when I've got my breath back, I try again. | 0:00:55 | 0:01:01 | |
-Perhaps we can turn to more important matters. -Must we? -I fear so. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:08 | |
My old tutor's son has been kidnapped and he begs you to help him pay the ransom. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:14 | |
Edmund. What would YOU say? | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
Well, I have had experience of this dreadful situation. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:21 | |
Last year, my aunt begged for help with the ransom of my Uncle Osrick. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:26 | |
-Then you know of the pain involved. -Yes. I can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to her. -Yes? | 0:01:26 | 0:01:34 | |
Get stuffed! | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
-You jest over a young man's life? -For young man, read young idiot! | 0:01:37 | 0:01:42 | |
Anyone stupid enough to let some moustachioed dago come up to him, | 0:01:42 | 0:01:47 | |
say "Excuse me, meester", and hit them over the head deserves it! | 0:01:47 | 0:01:52 | |
-You're in good fooling today, sir! -Thank you. -I heard an amusing story myself the other day... | 0:01:55 | 0:02:02 | |
Oh good. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
Excuse me, meister! | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
Yes, what is it? | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
I said, "What is it?", not "Hit me on the head with a... | 0:02:14 | 0:02:18 | |
Melchie, I've changed my mind about that Forrest bloke. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:23 | |
He's obviously very STUPID but we can't punish him for it, can we? | 0:02:23 | 0:02:28 | |
-Certainly not, ma'am. -If we punished people for that, Nursie would always be in prison! | 0:02:28 | 0:02:36 | |
A very PIQUANT observation, Majesty! | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
So I WILL sign this ransom. But it must be the last - ABSOLUTELY the last. Final... | 0:02:38 | 0:02:46 | |
..Full stop. Never again... | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
..Cross my heart and hope to die. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
Not "hope to die", Majesty? | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
Er... All right. I'll cross it out. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
Erm... Here you are. Sorry about the smudge! | 0:02:57 | 0:03:01 | |
Thank you, ma'am! | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
Excuse me, meister. Yes? | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
Oh no! Oh God! What on earth was I drinking last night? | 0:03:12 | 0:03:16 | |
My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:22 | |
Where am I? | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
-O-o-oh! -Who's that? | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
-It is I, Melchett. -Melchett! | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
You really should clean this house of yours. It's a real mess! | 0:03:31 | 0:03:37 | |
-It's no time for jokes, Blackadder! We've been kidnapped! -Oh God! How incredibly embarrassing! | 0:03:37 | 0:03:45 | |
As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport! | 0:03:45 | 0:03:51 | |
-Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha haa! -Oh God! Who's that? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
Ti preparo para la interrogazione suplicio! | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
If anyone's going to be spoken to, it's gonna be me! Tell him, Melchie! | 0:03:58 | 0:04:03 | |
Certainly! Parlo con lui, no mi! Parlo con lui! | 0:04:03 | 0:04:07 | |
Ah bueno, el jefe! Ti preparo para la interrogazione suplicio! | 0:04:07 | 0:04:12 | |
Ah, that's better. Now, what's he saying? | 0:04:12 | 0:04:17 | |
-He says he would like a word with you. -A-ha! Anything else? | 0:04:17 | 0:04:21 | |
He says he would like to torture you, as well. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:26 | |
Are you, by any chance, a dignitary of the Spanish Inquisition? | 0:04:26 | 0:04:31 | |
Te gustara mucho la inquisicion! | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
Good. Because if you are, I wish to make it quite clear | 0:04:34 | 0:04:38 | |
that I am prepared to tell you absolutely anything! | 0:04:38 | 0:04:43 | |
No habla, puerco! | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
No speako dago. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
I demand to see the British ambassador. Understand? | 0:04:51 | 0:04:55 | |
Necesito silencio para comenzar. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
How...can...you...question...me... if...you...don't...speak...English? | 0:04:58 | 0:05:04 | |
No. YO pregunto las cuestiones! | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
OK. Let's start with the basics. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
English is a non-inflected, Indo-European language derived from dialects... | 0:05:10 | 0:05:16 | |
HOWZAT?! | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
Percy. Who's queen? | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
Whoops! Butterfingers! | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
-Ah! So I win again! -Yes. Well done, Your Majesty! | 0:05:28 | 0:05:32 | |
-..And there's no sign of Edmund? -I fear not, Ma'am. -He's vanished! | 0:05:32 | 0:05:38 | |
Simply vanished. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
-WISTFULLY: -Like an old oak table. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:44 | |
VANISHED, Lord Percy. Not VARnished. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
Forgive me, my lady. My uncle Bertram's old oak table vanished. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:56 | |
'Twas the night of the Great Stepney Fire. | 0:05:56 | 0:06:00 | |
That terrible night his house and all his things completely vanished too. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:06 | |
So did he, in fact! | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
'Twas a most perplexing mystery... | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
-Lord Percy! -Yes? | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
It's up to you... | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
..either you can shut up - | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
or you can have your head cut off. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:22 | |
..I'll shut up. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
Bastardo! | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
Bath..tar...do... | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
Barrister? | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
Bastardo! | 0:06:41 | 0:06:42 | |
Embarrassing? | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
You're embarrassing? I'M embarrassing? | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
A...a rogering! | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
Pregnant! | 0:06:50 | 0:06:51 | |
Baby! | 0:06:52 | 0:06:53 | |
Bathwater! | 0:06:55 | 0:06:56 | |
-Sounds like... BASTARD! -Si! -Oh, bastard! | 0:06:57 | 0:07:01 | |
-No es terminado! -Ah. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
Hijo! | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
Hijo! | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
Donkey! | 0:07:08 | 0:07:09 | |
-Padre...e hijo! -Big bastard... Little bastard? | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
-PADRE... -Man? -..hijo. -Boy? Son! | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
I'm a bastard's son! | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
Di perra. PANTS LIKE A DOG. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
Thirsty bastard! | 0:07:24 | 0:07:25 | |
-HE BARKS -Thirsty barking bastard! | 0:07:25 | 0:07:29 | |
Oh - dog! | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
Woman! | 0:07:33 | 0:07:34 | |
Dog! | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
Dog...bitch! | 0:07:36 | 0:07:37 | |
-I'm a bastard son of a bitch! -Si! | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
In that case, YOU are a fornicating baboon! | 0:07:45 | 0:07:50 | |
Que? | 0:07:50 | 0:07:51 | |
Oh dear! Y-YOU... | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
-Tu... -Tu! Oh - yo! -Yes, yo... | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
.. a fornicating... | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
I can't really do it in this box! | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
Tuos testiculos... | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
My er...those...yes. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
..sobre un fuego grande. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
-Over a large...? -Fuego, fuego! | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
Fire! Right! | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
So, let's recap | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
-If I admit that I'm in love... -No! No! | 0:08:21 | 0:08:25 | |
Sorry head over heels in love... | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
..with Satan and all his little... wizards. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:33 | |
Then you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument... | 0:08:33 | 0:08:38 | |
Una guadana! | 0:08:38 | 0:08:39 | |
..resembling a gardening tool... | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
-..and roast them over a large fire. -Si! Si! | 0:08:42 | 0:08:46 | |
Whereas if I DON'T admit... | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
..that I am in love with Satan and all his little wizards, | 0:08:49 | 0:08:54 | |
you will hold me upside down, in a vat of warm marmalade. | 0:08:54 | 0:09:00 | |
Y... | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
AND... | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
..remove my testicles with a blunt instrument. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
I see. Well, in that case... | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
..I love Satan. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
Oh ho! | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
Oh, it's a SCYTHE! | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
I don't know. I've looked everywhere! | 0:09:21 | 0:09:24 | |
Perhaps... they're...not...hiding...at all. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:33 | |
Perhaps...they've been...KIDNAPPED! | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
Nonsense! | 0:09:38 | 0:09:39 | |
As Edmund said, only real idiots get kidnapped! | 0:09:39 | 0:09:44 | |
Do they? | 0:09:44 | 0:09:45 | |
Stop! | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
AAAGH! | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
GERMAN ACCENT: Forgive me, Herr Blackadder. I have been neglecting my duties as a host. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:58 | |
Please accept my apple-ogies. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:02 | |
I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode! | 0:10:05 | 0:10:11 | |
I hope this SCUM... | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
HE WHIMPERS | 0:10:14 | 0:10:15 | |
..has not inconweenienced you. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:18 | |
A maniac trying to cut off my goolies won't inconweenience me(!) | 0:10:18 | 0:10:23 | |
If he had inconweeniencedyou,I was going to offer you histongue! | 0:10:23 | 0:10:29 | |
Sir.If he hadinconweeniencedme, you would nothaveatongue to make this offerwith! | 0:10:29 | 0:10:36 | |
If I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer, | 0:10:36 | 0:10:41 | |
YOU would not have a tongue to say that if I had inconweenienced you... | 0:10:41 | 0:10:46 | |
..I would not have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue! | 0:10:46 | 0:10:51 | |
Yes, well. Enough of this banter. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
Who the hell are you, Sausage Breath? | 0:10:53 | 0:10:57 | |
-You do not remember me then? -I don't think I've had the pleasure. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:03 | |
Oh yes! We have met many times. But you knew me by another name! | 0:11:03 | 0:11:08 | |
Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto, | 0:11:08 | 0:11:14 | |
-with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game, at an old piss-hole in Dover? -My God! | 0:11:14 | 0:11:22 | |
Yes! I was the waitress! | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
I don't believe it! YOU?! Big Sally? | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
SQUEAKY VOICE: Will you have another piece of pie, my lord? | 0:11:30 | 0:11:35 | |
But I went to bed with you, didn't I? | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice! | 0:11:39 | 0:11:44 | |
Yes, but I'm not. I must have been paralytic! | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
-Indeed - Mr Floppy! -Yes, all right! | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
-Very funny. Now, would you mind... -SQUEAKY VOICE: Such a disappointment for a girl... -Yes, very funny... | 0:11:52 | 0:12:00 | |
"We'll try again in a few minutes. Look at some naughty parchments!" | 0:12:00 | 0:12:06 | |
Aren't we proud of our comic serving-wench voice (!) | 0:12:06 | 0:12:10 | |
-Essential at all social gatherings the tedious little turd who puts on amusing voices! -QUIET! | 0:12:10 | 0:12:18 | |
What else is in your inventive repertoire? Drunk Glaswegian? | 0:12:18 | 0:12:23 | |
Hilarious black man? See you, Jimmy! Where am dat warty-melon? | 0:12:23 | 0:12:29 | |
Oh fabulous! I can't wait to see your side-splitting puff, | 0:12:29 | 0:12:34 | |
and that funny croaky one that is such a scream! | 0:12:34 | 0:12:39 | |
But best of all is the fat-headed German chamberpot in front of me! | 0:12:39 | 0:12:44 | |
You talk too much, Blackadder! | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
I think it's a case of werbal diarreeree that you're having! | 0:12:49 | 0:12:53 | |
I have given the Queen only a week to reply to my ransom demand. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:58 | |
Unless she pays up, you die howibly! | 0:12:58 | 0:13:03 | |
She will pay up! And then within a week, YOU die - howibly howibly! | 0:13:03 | 0:13:09 | |
You find yourself amusing! | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
Why deny public opinion? | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
I think that in a week from now, you won't be so amusing! | 0:13:13 | 0:13:18 | |
At least I CAN be amusing! | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
Choose your next witticism well it may be your last! | 0:13:20 | 0:13:25 | |
Guards! Fetch his friend. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
GUARDS: 'Eins zwei, eins zwei!' | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
Please! No! No! | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
O-oh! | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
We meet again! | 0:13:37 | 0:13:38 | |
I don't think... You don't recognise me? No. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:44 | |
Let me refresh your memory! | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
When you were in Cornwall, there was a shepherd who you used to talk to. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:51 | |
Good lord! Timkins? | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
-Yes! -I -was one of his sheep! | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
Sheep? Not... Yes! | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
Flossie? But didn't we...? YES, | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
Melchett! | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
Baaaa! Oh my God! | 0:14:05 | 0:14:09 | |
But enough of such pleasant reminiscences, eh? The guard has found an interesting document. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:18 | |
Oh, I shouldn't pay much attention to that... | 0:14:18 | 0:14:22 | |
The kveen says she will pay a ransom but it must be the last - ABSOLUTELY the last. Final. Full stop. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:30 | |
Cross my heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:35 | |
She has a difficult choice ahead. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
Not really! Bad luck, Melchers! Still life, overrated, I reckon! | 0:14:38 | 0:14:43 | |
Gentlemen, excuse me. I have work to do. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:47 | |
Evil plots don't make themselves you know! | 0:14:47 | 0:14:51 | |
Ha ha ha ha! | 0:14:51 | 0:14:52 | |
Ha ha ha ha! | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
"Dear Kveen... | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
"I, evil Prince Ludwig the Indestructible, | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
"have your two friends. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
"And you must SHOES between them. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:08 | |
"The ransom is one million kroner. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
"Many, many...apple-ogies for the inconweenience." | 0:15:11 | 0:15:17 | |
Goodness! What a difficult choice! | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
-It isn't the first time, my little tadpole! -That's true. -In the old days, it was ALL difficult choices! | 0:15:20 | 0:15:27 | |
Should you have nursie milk or moo-cow? It was always nursie milk! | 0:15:27 | 0:15:32 | |
But then, left breasty or right breasty? | 0:15:32 | 0:15:36 | |
Of course, it was always both! But then which one first? | 0:15:36 | 0:15:40 | |
Shut up, Nursie! | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
Curses! Oh! This is very confusing! | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
Lord Percy! Play a while to calm my spirits. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:52 | |
Certainly, Ma'am. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:54 | |
Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man, | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
Ha! You're it! Ring-a-ring-a-rosie! All fall down! | 0:16:00 | 0:16:04 | |
What say you I sing a song to keep our spirits up? | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
It depends whether you want the slop bucket over your head! | 0:16:10 | 0:16:15 | |
Perhaps some pleasant word game? | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
All right. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
Make a sentence from the following | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
face, sodding, your, shut. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
For God's sake, man! | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
We must relieve our minds of the terrible fate which awaits us! | 0:16:31 | 0:16:36 | |
Awaits YOU, not me! How's my beard looking? | 0:16:36 | 0:16:40 | |
Alas, shall I never see England more? | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
Her rolling fields, her swooping swallows... | 0:16:44 | 0:16:48 | |
Her playful sheep. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
-DOOR OPENS -About time too! | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
Gentlemen! The answer has arrived! | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
Thank God! I'm sick of this! | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
The conditions are just disgraceful! Why, it's like a prison! | 0:17:00 | 0:17:04 | |
I shall read it! | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
Typical criminal loves the sound of his own voice! | 0:17:06 | 0:17:10 | |
After careful thought, the queen has decided to expend the ransom money on... | 0:17:10 | 0:17:16 | |
..a big party. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:18 | |
JUST impossible to decide between my two faves, | 0:17:20 | 0:17:25 | |
so I've decided to keep the cash, | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
have a wizard jolly time, | 0:17:28 | 0:17:32 | |
and try to forget both of you. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
Hope you're not too miffed. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
Bye-ee! | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
What? | 0:17:41 | 0:17:42 | |
Hope you're not too miffed. Bye-ee. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
As you can imagine, my friends, this makes me very unhappy. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:52 | |
Oh, I AM sorry (!) | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to gain access to your queen... | 0:17:54 | 0:18:00 | |
I might commute your deaths to a life sentence! | 0:18:00 | 0:18:04 | |
Are you suggesting we betray her? | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
Oh yes! | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
All right! | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
What are you saying? What of loyalty, honour, self-respect? | 0:18:13 | 0:18:17 | |
What of them? | 0:18:17 | 0:18:19 | |
Nothing. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:22 | |
So you will both play ball? BOTH: Yep! | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
Oh what joy! See how you collapse before me! | 0:18:27 | 0:18:31 | |
You incorruptible English nobs! | 0:18:31 | 0:18:34 | |
So proud of your stiff upper lips! | 0:18:34 | 0:18:37 | |
Gloating is a sign of insecurity! Do you want to get to the Queen? | 0:18:37 | 0:18:43 | |
Yes. I thought a disguise! | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
I do a very good Mary Queen of Scots! | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
Hoots mon! Where's ma heed? | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
What sort of party should it be? | 0:18:55 | 0:18:58 | |
Oh...fancy dress. I love fancy dress! | 0:18:58 | 0:19:02 | |
Nursie? | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
I think it should be one of those where everybody comes with nothing on at all. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:10 | |
Shut up, then! | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
I agree, Acting Lord Chamberlain! | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
If we're to forget our woes, we should have as much fun as possible! | 0:19:15 | 0:19:21 | |
-And what could be more fun than dressing as frogs, rabbits and nuns! -And bits of wood! | 0:19:21 | 0:19:29 | |
You're not going to come as a bit of wood! | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
-Aren't I? -No! | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
How about a pencil? Should I come as a pencil? | 0:19:34 | 0:19:38 | |
Don't be silly. You always talk like this and you always come as the same thing! | 0:19:38 | 0:19:44 | |
-Do I? -Yes. You know... Everybo... | 0:19:44 | 0:19:48 | |
Lassie! | 0:19:48 | 0:19:49 | |
What does Nursie always come to fancy dress parties dressed as? | 0:19:49 | 0:19:55 | |
-I thought everybody knew. -Everybody except Nursie. Tell her! | 0:19:55 | 0:20:00 | |
She always comes as a cow. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
That's right - a lovely, lovely cow, | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
with great big lovely udders! | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
Swinging around going moooo! | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
Come to Nursie cow, you lovely heifers! What fun! | 0:20:11 | 0:20:16 | |
Can I be a cow again, PLEASE? | 0:20:16 | 0:20:17 | |
-Oh shut up! Isn't Nursie stupid? -She certainly is, ma'am! | 0:20:17 | 0:20:23 | |
You see! | 0:20:25 | 0:20:27 | |
We're having a good time already! | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
We've completely forgotten about those chaps in prison, haven't we? | 0:20:30 | 0:20:35 | |
What chaps? | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
GUARDS: 'Eins zwei, eins zwei.' DOOR OPENS | 0:20:45 | 0:20:49 | |
My friends, I bid you farewell. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
These guards will die of old age. Their sons will attend to your needs! | 0:20:54 | 0:21:00 | |
Thank you, but we intend to escape! | 0:21:00 | 0:21:03 | |
With your information, I intend to bring down your queen and country. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:07 | |
The master of disguise will become the master of the world! Ha ha ha ha! | 0:21:07 | 0:21:13 | |
-One thing before you go! -What? | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
Were you bullied at school? | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
What do you mean? | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
All this ranting and raving about power. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:25 | |
Nonsense! At my school, dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:31 | |
I thought so! And your mother had you in shorts till your final year! | 0:21:31 | 0:21:37 | |
SHUT UP! | 0:21:37 | 0:21:38 | |
When I am King of England, no-one will ever dare call me "Shorty Greasy Spot Spot" again! | 0:21:38 | 0:21:45 | |
Touched a nerve there, I think! | 0:21:47 | 0:21:50 | |
What good is it if we're doomed to die here?! | 0:21:50 | 0:21:53 | |
-Don't worry. I've got a plan! -Yes? | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
Now that Ludwig's gone, we'll be able to overcome the guards. I've been watching their routine. | 0:21:56 | 0:22:03 | |
The moment when they are most vulnerable is when we will attack! | 0:22:03 | 0:22:08 | |
-Brilliant! How? -That is the most cunning bit! | 0:22:08 | 0:22:13 | |
'Eins zwei, eins zwei, eins zwei...' | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
This is it! Don't forget when they're at their most vulnerable! | 0:22:18 | 0:22:24 | |
'..zwei. Halt! Jingle the keys!' | 0:22:24 | 0:22:27 | |
JINGLE OF KEYS 'Open the door!' | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
Greetings to the prisoners! | 0:22:30 | 0:22:34 | |
Guten Abend, Englander scum! | 0:22:34 | 0:22:38 | |
March to the table! Eins... | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
..zwei, eins zwei, eins... | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
..zwei, eins zwei, eins zwei, eins zwei, eins zwei. Halt! | 0:22:43 | 0:22:48 | |
Food on ze table! | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
Eins zwei! | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
Spit on ze food! | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
Eins zwei! | 0:22:54 | 0:22:55 | |
Insulting farewell gesture to the prisoners! | 0:22:55 | 0:22:59 | |
Eins zwei, eins zwei. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:01 | |
-NOW! -Oooooh! | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
Trust me to get the hard one! | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
Yo-ho-ho! Off with their heads! | 0:23:15 | 0:23:19 | |
Ma'am, it is BRILLIANT! | 0:23:19 | 0:23:22 | |
Your father is born again! | 0:23:22 | 0:23:25 | |
I should bally well hope not! Or else I won't be queen any more! | 0:23:25 | 0:23:30 | |
Yours is pretty good too. What is it? | 0:23:30 | 0:23:34 | |
Nothing, Ma'am! Just a mere trifle I threw together. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
Doesn't look much like a trifle! | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
Looks more like a fruit salad to me! | 0:23:40 | 0:23:43 | |
Nursie's really excelled herself! | 0:23:45 | 0:23:48 | |
Moooo! | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
Yes. She has! | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
Hmm. I'm not sure about this though! | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
What are you meant to be? | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
A pencil case. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
Yes! | 0:24:05 | 0:24:07 | |
Oh! It's just like parties I had when I was tiny! | 0:24:07 | 0:24:11 | |
We had tea and cakes and venison. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:14 | |
-Then a trip with a couple of friends to the executions! -How sweet! | 0:24:14 | 0:24:19 | |
If I wanted any of my friends executed! | 0:24:19 | 0:24:22 | |
Oh! How I do wish Edmund could be here! | 0:24:22 | 0:24:26 | |
He always loved parties. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
And always, always wore very, very tight tights. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:33 | |
Edmund who? | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
-Edmund Blackadder! Majesty! -Oh! | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
-Edmund! But... -Did you ever know me to miss a party? -Oh! | 0:24:40 | 0:24:44 | |
And Lord Melchett? | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
Yes. Unfortunately, Ma'am, he made it too. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
Rapture! | 0:24:50 | 0:24:51 | |
Joy beyond measure! Bliss which cannot be counted on one's fingers! | 0:24:51 | 0:24:57 | |
Baaaaa! | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
Sorry Edmund? | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
Nothing. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
Yes, ahem... | 0:25:08 | 0:25:09 | |
Apart from my nose getting a little prettier, nothing much has changed. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:15 | |
Your animal isn't house-trained, Percy's unemployed and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle! | 0:25:15 | 0:25:23 | |
Mooooo! | 0:25:23 | 0:25:24 | |
-Thank you for reminding me! Ha! -Aagh! | 0:25:24 | 0:25:27 | |
Nursie! You've killed Nursie! | 0:25:27 | 0:25:31 | |
That's horrid! | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
Guards! Take him and execute him! He's killed Nursie! | 0:25:33 | 0:25:37 | |
Can anyone help me with my udders? | 0:25:37 | 0:25:41 | |
-Nursie! -Yes. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:42 | |
Yes! And may I introduce our erstwhile captor | 0:25:42 | 0:25:47 | |
Prince Ludwig the Indestructible! | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
Ah! Queen Elizabeth! We meet again! | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
No, I don't think so actually. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
You remember when you were young and your father used to take you riding on a magnificent grey pony, | 0:25:57 | 0:26:05 | |
-that you used to kiss and fondle in the stable yard? -Yes, yes! | 0:26:05 | 0:26:10 | |
I was the tall and attractive German stable lad who held him. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:15 | |
-No! -Yes! | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
You? | 0:26:17 | 0:26:18 | |
-Shorty Greasy Spot Spot?! -No! | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
No, no, no! | 0:26:22 | 0:26:23 | |
You will all of you regret the day that you ever mocked my complexion! | 0:26:23 | 0:26:28 | |
I shall return and vreak my rewengee! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! | 0:26:28 | 0:26:33 | |
No you won't. You will die and be buried! | 0:26:33 | 0:26:37 | |
ALL: Hooray! | 0:26:37 | 0:26:39 | |
Strange man! | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
-But how did you know it was him? -It was the information which saved our lives. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:47 | |
We said if the Queen was having a party, Nursie always goes as a cow. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:53 | |
From then on, he was doomed. We only had to escape and kill the cow. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:58 | |
How could you know it wasn't Nursie? | 0:26:58 | 0:27:02 | |
Because, lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise. | 0:27:02 | 0:27:06 | |
Whereas Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation! | 0:27:06 | 0:27:10 | |
All we had to do, was kill the one that looked like the cow! | 0:27:10 | 0:27:16 | |
That was the mistake I knew he would make. His disguise was too good! | 0:27:16 | 0:27:21 | |
Gosh Edmund! How brilliant! Welcome home! | 0:27:21 | 0:27:25 | |
It's good to be back! | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
Welcome Edmund! Did you...miss me? | 0:27:27 | 0:27:31 | |
I certainly did! | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
-Many was the time I said to myself, "I wish Percy was here...!" -Oh! | 0:27:33 | 0:27:37 | |
"..being tortured instead of me!" | 0:27:37 | 0:27:41 | |
Oh, we have missed your wit! | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
D'you miss me, my lord? | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
-Erm... Baldrick, is it? -That's right. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 | |
No, not really. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
And me? | 0:27:52 | 0:27:54 | |
Did you miss me, Edmund? | 0:27:54 | 0:27:57 | |
Madam. Life without you is like a broken pencil. | 0:27:57 | 0:28:03 | |
Explain. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
Pointless. | 0:28:05 | 0:28:08 | |
# Beware all evil lust for fame | 0:28:09 | 0:28:13 | |
# The path of life is most uncertain | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 | |
# Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game | 0:28:16 | 0:28:20 | |
# But now the Kraut's gone for a burton | 0:28:20 | 0:28:23 | |
# Blackadder, Blackadder | 0:28:23 | 0:28:27 | |
# He beats the Hun by luck | 0:28:27 | 0:28:30 | |
# Blackadder, Blackadder | 0:28:30 | 0:28:34 | |
# He's smarter than a duck | 0:28:34 | 0:28:37 | |
# Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett | 0:28:37 | 0:28:41 | |
# Intelligent and deep | 0:28:41 | 0:28:44 | |
# Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett | 0:28:44 | 0:28:48 | |
# A shame about the sheep. # | 0:28:48 | 0:28:52 | |
LUDWIG: Ha ha ha! Now this is a disguise I'm really going to enjoy! | 0:29:06 | 0:29:11 | |
If I can just get the voice right! | 0:29:11 | 0:29:14 |