Lord Emsworth and the Girl Friend Blandings


Lord Emsworth and the Girl Friend

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Transcript


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Ah! That's enough of that.

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I only took up smoking, so I could give it up.

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I've given up everything in fact. Reformed man.

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Yup! No more rum, bum and concertina for Frederick.

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Ah!

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HE GROANS

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Now, Clarence, concentrate.

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The London Fresh Air Children arrive tomorrow.

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It comforts these children to see the civilized classes,

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which, in this unusual case, includes you,

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comporting themselves gracefully.

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Freddie! What have you done to your head?

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This is my reformed hair. It symbolizes my repudiation of vice.

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"What vice?", I hear you cry?

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Sins of the track and bookie, mainly,

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-but you name it, I'll repudiate it.

-Enough!

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Now hear this. The reputation of the family is at stake.

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We must excel.

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And, Clarence, if you say to me, "Do I have to wear a top hat?"

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I shall stab you through the heart and have your mutilated corpse

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dragged around Blandings by a donkey.

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Naked.

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Me or the donkey?

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Oh, no, the donkey shall be clothed to amplify your total degradation.

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Better than wearing a top hat...

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How can I help? This is the new me, you see?

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Ever ready to help an old lady get a horse's hoof

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out of a boy scout, sort of thing.

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Oh, Freddie, you're an imbecile!

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Aunt C on cracking form.

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London Fresh Air...Children?

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Ah-ha.

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So, what's the solution to this repulsive sogginess?

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Gravel!

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Proper stuff, y'ken, nae heathen stoor the size of peas.

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Braw great clinkers.

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Then yir dainty feet'll hae traction.

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Awa' wi' all this filthy moss.

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-I shall speak to His Lordship.

-He'll nae like it.

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He's a great one for the squilchy filth.

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Gravel it shall be, McAllister.

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I'm on awa' to the idol o' erotic joy and trim wir bloated flaybers.

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(Bloated flaybers?)

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Beach, um, my hat -

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you know, the boater affair bit of ribbon round it -

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seem to have lost track of it.

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Is it the one Your Lordship is presently wearing?

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Oh...

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Good heavens! Bless my soul.

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Thank you, Beach!

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Ah, Connie. Had a pleasant turn around the ground?

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As you raise the subject of McAllister,

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he wishes to spread gravel across that hideous infestation

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of moss in the lime tree walk.

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No, no, no, no.

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I am aware that McAllister seeks to desecrate my lovely moss

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and I shall not countenance it.

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Oh, they're rather splendid.

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My Lord, is that entirely wise?

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SNUFFLING AND GRUNTING

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No!

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The gardener, McAllister, My Lord.

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Oh...

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Thank you, Beach.

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Ah, McAllister! I expect you're wondering why I sent...

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The posteriors of the goddess have been ravaged by yir pug!

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My pug?

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My dear fellow, I don't possess a pug.

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And wi' the morn dairkening the horizon, it is a savage disgrace!

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Did ye pick they delphiniums?

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HE GROWLS

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Moss. That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

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McAllister! Unhand my moss!

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HE GROWLS

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CAR HORN BLASTS

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Why is McAllister getting into a taxi?

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Eh? Is he? I have no idea.

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He must be, er...on the...um...

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He's given in his notice.

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What?

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Why?

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What have you done?

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Well, that's impossible!

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His presence is ESSENTIAL tomorrow!

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You haven't the faintest idea what I'm talking about!

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It's the Blandings Fete! The most important day of our year!

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Oh, good Lord!

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Oh, oh, can't you have a word?

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No, I can't!

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You and I know both know you are a withered homunculus

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rather than a conventional specimen of adult manhood,

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but you are the titular Master of Blandings!

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You must reclaim your gardener!

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Halt!

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Now, look here, McAllister,

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we need to get one thing absolutely clear...

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(I'll double your salary.)

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HE GROWLS

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-When I say double I quite possibly mean treble?

-Hm!

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Oh, my dear fellow, please don't go.

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Think of tomorrow.

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HE GROWLS

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Oh, I beg of you, McAllister!

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What else do I have to offer you?

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Ah.

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The gravel path.

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Yes, of course, McAllister,

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of course, with my blessing.

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You'll no' pick another flooer withoot my say-so?

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Mmm.

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And there'll be nae mair nibblin' on the dirty dumplin's o' the deity?

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Whatever that is, no, never.

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The incident is closed.

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McAllister, out you hop.

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Come, come.

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Such a pretty thing, under all the D-I-R-T.

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Can it, you lot! Reverend Gandle here is trying to speak.

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Thank you, Miss Younghusband.

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Now, I merely wish to say...

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CHILDREN LAUGHING Good heavens...

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Welcome to Market Blandings...

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I have here the roster of your accommodation.

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Ah-ha!

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What do you want, Frederick? Is it money?

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Oh, dear old prune, not in the least. I am a man transfigured.

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My only desire is to be of service to my peers,

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you being the peer available.

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I have no sympathetic ear for your desires, m'boy.

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Tomorrow I have to endure the torment of a stick-up collar and a top hat.

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Oh, grinding rectal ache!

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And, of course, you have to make a speech.

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Oh! You'd forgotten about the speech.

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-Err...

-I tell you what!

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How about I get you out of that?

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-Eh?

-Seriously.

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All I want now is to give succour to the suffering.

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And if ever there was a suffering sucker, Guv'nor, you're it.

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Aw this moss must be raked up!

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Fir the gravel.

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I hae commanded its delivery.

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Well! Rake up the moss? But it's rather jolly!

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Guv'nor, you love this...

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Raked up it shall be!

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With a canny great, God-fearin' rake!

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A muckle pile o' gravel shall come raining doon on the path!

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Whar there was squilch, mon,

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there shall be a Godly crunch.

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The thing to remember is,

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many of these London children are very like ordinary kids.

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Except that some of them are armed.

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I say!

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Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'm here to deliver you two children.

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Oh, er, excellent. And what would you like us to do with them?

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Just accommodate them.

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Reverend Gandle has allocated them to the castle.

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Right. Guv'nor, I shall attend to this.

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Frederick, I'm a little confused...

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Undoubtedly, but I needs must waft this lady round the family shack.

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"Needs must waft"?

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I do wish you wouldn't refer to the place as "the family shack".

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Miss Younglegs and I are stepping this way to inspect the fixtures.

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Regale our guests with your scintillating conversation.

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Er, Frederick, erm... Ah...

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Ah. Yes.

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-Lovely day.

-Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

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Popped down from London, what?

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"Pop dine?" Speak English, mister.

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Can it, fish-face!

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-Can it what?

-From London, sir. Yes, sir.

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Mm.

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Been out much this season?

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Our house does have a door, mate.

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Oh, that is good news.

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Erm, name, m'dear?

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Gladys, sir. And this is me brother, Ern.

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Ern is wearin' a straw hat that he found in a ditch.

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Good heavens. What a handsome article.

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LAUGHS WEAKLY

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PIG GRUNTS

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That doesn't look too good.

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I know. I wanted a yellow one.

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Well, next time I get lucky on the ponies, eh?

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-Are you a gambling man, Mr Threepwood?

-Er, no. I never gamble.

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-SHE CHUCKLES

-Don't know what you're missing.

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Oh. Are you a gambling husband, Miss Younglovely? No, I mean...

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Oh, I know what you meant. I have been known to flutter.

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Golly, I'd be hardly be taken seriously in Bow

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if I didn't stick the odd oncer on a horse.

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-The odd oncer...

-A fiver on occasion.

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Ah, um, I'm sorry, but I think you're going to have to marry me.

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Want to bet?

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Yes.

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What colour is your handkerchief? Get it right and I'll marry you.

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Er...

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Er, lemon!

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It's purple. Hard cheese.

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Ohhh...

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Oh...

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That is one royally cool cucumber.

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PIG GRUNTS

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PIG GRUNTS MORE LOUDLY

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HE GROWLS

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No, no, my dear fellow, I insist.

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Five guineas is an acceptable fee for the restitution of the hat.

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Clarence!

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You appear to be issuing this small boy with a cheque.

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No, no, no, no, no... Yes.

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Well, he found my hat, you see.

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Nonsense.

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Dear little fellow.

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Here's sixpence.

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Run along, now.

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-Woof-woof!

-HE PANTS

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What is the child doing?

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Er, he's being a dog.

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When someone gives Ern money, he does his turn as a playful dog.

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Most amusing! Connie, these young persons are staying with us.

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What?!

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Proof, mon!

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Proof! Yir pug has been devouring

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the shameful portions o' the goddess!

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You persist in this erroneous belief that I possess a pug.

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I think he means "pig", sir.

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Pig? Pig - ah! Thank you.

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Are you quite mad?

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Mad? Ye cry me mad when I beheld the unclean beast wi' my ain een?

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The filthy, trottery abomination! I ought to turn it into bacons!

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-Oh.

-It may prove a condition o' my remaining in yir employ, mon.

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-ERN:

-Woof-woof-woof!

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Oh.

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He's very lifelike, ain't he?

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You, boy!

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You are forbidden entrance to the Blandings Fete.

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Woof-woof-woof!

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HE GROWLS

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-HE LAUGHS

-Stop him!

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-SHE GASPS

-Bleedin' hell on sticks.

-Wow.

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His Lordship was very insistent that you should be comfortable.

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Is His Lordship the great shaggy Herbert

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what shouted at the geezer in the knackered old coat?

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No. The shaggy Herbert is the gardener.

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His Lordship is the gentleman in the coat.

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And this is his knackered old hat.

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So, the old biddy our Ern took a gnash at -

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that's Mrs Lordship?

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No, that is his sister.

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Sister? She talks at him like she's married to him.

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So, who are you? Are you a Lord, an' all?

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I'm His Lordship's butler. My name is Beach.

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My job is to look after Lord Emsworth,

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his family and his guests.

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And you...are his guests.

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THEY MOUTH

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-SHE CLEARS THROAT

-Mr Beach?

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I told Ern this was a man's job,

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but he won't do it cos he's embarrassed.

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Please take this for your trouble, sir.

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Very kind of you, miss,

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but I'm afraid

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that if I were discovered receiving gifts from guests,

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I would have to be shot.

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-THEY GASP

-His Lordship's very strict about that.

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'Oh, what?'

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What can I do for you, my dear?

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'Clarence!

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'It is YOU who stands in the corridor outside MY room,

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'having just knocked on MY door.'

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Why did I do that, do you suppose?

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'You've come to beg me to be civil to that fantastically disgusting

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'brace of children.'

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Thank you, Connie. Will you be doing that sort of thing, do you think?

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'No. Boil your head!'

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Oh.

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Lord Emsworth...

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I trust, will say a few words.

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He is delighted...

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-Freddie! Frederick!

-..to welcome you all to Blandings.

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(Speech!)

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Oh, don't give it another thought.

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..to take pleasure in the grounds.

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MICROPHONE WHINES

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YOU are supposed to be confined!

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Lord Emsworth.

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I wanted to say how very much the children

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are looking forward to your speech.

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-ERN:

-Bull's-eye!

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PARTY HORN BLASTS

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Ah, my dear lady.

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There we are.

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PARTY HORN BLASTS

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That lady - Mrs Thingummy, runs a grocer's shop.

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What's her name...? Erm, Rossiter.

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Puce of face and squeaking.

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How would she like it if I went round to her place,

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dressed in this fatuous rig, went puce and squeaked?

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The fuss you make about for once in your life being dressed

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like a reasonable English gentleman and not like an incontinent tramp!

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Have you prepared your speech?

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We cannot have a repeat of last year's debacle.

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There was no debacle. I just...

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A couple of names eluded me.

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Mine. Your own.

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The King's. The name of the castle.

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Now, be quiet. Prepare your speech.

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YOU! Girl!

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Touch not they flooers!

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Argh! Yer...

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I'll hae yir reekin' tripes and bowels,

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ye rankin', slooty jezebel!

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SHE GASPS

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Thief!

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McAllister.

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HE GROWLS

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Ah.

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Ern, is it not?

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If I were a gambling man, Ern,

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I'd wager you were doing something that you didn't ought.

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You have a nefarious and frankly desperate look about you.

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I like that in a man.

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I think we can do business.

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PIG GRUNTS

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Oh! You haven't got a little bit of a cold coming on, have you?

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SOBBING

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God bless my soul. What are you doing in here?

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Please, sir, I was put.

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Er, how do you mean "put"? Why?

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For pinching things, sir.

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Pinching things? How extraordinary. What did you, er, pinch?

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Flowers. I thought they'd cheer up our Ern.

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Oh, is Ern in desperate need of cheering up with...

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-COCKNEY ACCENT: .."flahrs"?

-Yes, sir.

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I fought I'd pick him a few flowers, them long, blue ones.

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But that great hairy man shouted and come runnin',

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so I copped him on the shin with a stone.

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Then I go - crash - straight into the lady, don't I?

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And all the other stuff I pinched for Ern dropped out me frock.

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Two sandwiches, slice-a-cake...

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-CRYING:

-So that's why I was put here by the lady.

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Cos I belong with the pigs.

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SHE SOBS

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Confound the "loidy"!

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CHATTERING

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Mrs Rossiter, please.

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Your father has deserted us. We require a speech, from you.

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Ah!

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You find that amusing?

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No, no, I just made some intricate arrangements

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that are no longer necessary. Lead on, old scream.

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A little bit about the weather.

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No vulgarity.

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You're not in your club now.

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We don't want a repeat of the debacle of Lady Maud's funeral.

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HE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY

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KNOCKING

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HE GROANS

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Beach.

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This young lady would like some tea.

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Buns. Fruit.

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COCKNEY ACCENT: Jam sandwiches.

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Er, slice-a-cake.

0:20:380:20:39

Very good, Your Lordship.

0:20:390:20:41

Oh, and her brother, Beach. He'd like some stuff, too.

0:20:410:20:43

-Ern - would he like a little chicken?

-Ah, coo!

0:20:430:20:46

-Beg your pardon?

-Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

0:20:460:20:50

He doesn't suffer from gout, does he?

0:20:500:20:52

Capital.

0:20:520:20:53

Beach, a bottle of that new port,

0:20:530:20:55

from that lot they sent us down for us to try.

0:20:550:20:57

It's nothing special, but it's drinkable.

0:20:590:21:02

I'd like your brother's opinion of it.

0:21:020:21:04

Coo!

0:21:040:21:05

So, here we all are...

0:21:050:21:07

..banged up in this stinking-hot tent.

0:21:090:21:11

THEY MURMUR AGREEMENT

0:21:110:21:12

And the guv'nor - very sensibly in my opinion - has done a bunk.

0:21:120:21:15

He's probably cuddled up to his pig.

0:21:150:21:18

LAUGHTER

0:21:180:21:19

Personally, I'd rather be closeted somewhere breezy with a pint

0:21:190:21:22

of gin and tonic, and somebody slim and authoritative with a whistle.

0:21:220:21:27

You would see some cuddling then, eh?

0:21:270:21:30

-LAUGHTER AND MURMURS OF APPROVAL

-Eh? Eh? Would you?

0:21:300:21:33

Rule number one - get 'em laughing.

0:21:330:21:35

You know, all this reminds me

0:21:350:21:36

of a story I heard backstage at The Pink Pussy Club.

0:21:360:21:39

ALL: Ooh!

0:21:390:21:41

How's that?

0:21:410:21:42

LAUGHTER

0:21:420:21:44

Um, yes, well, there was a Frenchman and an Irishman

0:21:450:21:48

and a Rabbi - stop me if you know it.

0:21:480:21:50

No, no, tell a lie, could have been a Hindu.

0:21:500:21:52

Anyway, they're all on a train, going to Rangoon.

0:21:520:21:55

Er, except the Spanish bloke. It turns out he doesn't have a ticket!

0:21:550:21:58

HE CHUCKLES

0:21:580:21:59

No, no, that comes later. Where are they going?

0:21:590:22:01

-CHILD SHOUTS:

-Kowloon!

-Kowloon.

0:22:010:22:03

'Thank you. So time goes on, they get a bit peckish...'

0:22:030:22:07

Are you enjoying that?

0:22:080:22:10

No face so lovely that it cannot be improved by the application

0:22:100:22:14

of a little jam, eh, Beach?

0:22:140:22:16

Oh. What do you have there?

0:22:160:22:19

Ern's comestibles, as discussed, my Lord.

0:22:190:22:21

I have ventured to add some toffee and a packet of sultanas,

0:22:210:22:25

and Cook has contributed a bag of what she calls "gobstoppers".

0:22:250:22:29

I think our guest says "coo".

0:22:310:22:34

Is there anything else we can get you, my dear? Don't be shy.

0:22:340:22:37

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

0:22:370:22:38

I'd love get Ern a bunch of them flowers.

0:22:380:22:41

I know he's a lad, but he's partial. He likes the colour.

0:22:410:22:44

Back home, we don't have colour.

0:22:460:22:48

I say, damn it, Beach!

0:22:500:22:53

If this lady desires "flahrs" for her little brother,

0:22:540:22:58

she can jolly well have them.

0:22:580:23:00

Will you be requiring me to do the cutting, my Lord?

0:23:010:23:04

Scissors, Beach.

0:23:070:23:08

We are now going outside to cut..."flahrs".

0:23:180:23:23

We may be some time.

0:23:230:23:25

'So, Paddy says him... Oh, no, no.'

0:23:250:23:27

I said Frenchman - I meant Chinese.

0:23:270:23:29

-ALL: Oh!

-And he's blind.

0:23:290:23:31

Yeah, be definite with gags. That's also rule number one.

0:23:310:23:34

So, Paddy says to him... Oh, no, no. Hang on,

0:23:340:23:37

I forgot to tell you about the very tall waitress.

0:23:370:23:40

Go back a bit. Well, she's called Maureen.

0:23:400:23:43

Or possibly Hamish. Anyway,

0:23:430:23:45

the important thing about her is that she has to get to Brighton.

0:23:450:23:48

Which of course is nowhere near Africa,

0:23:480:23:50

and she has this aunt...

0:23:500:23:52

Oh...

0:23:540:23:55

My dear, I shouldn't want you to think my hand is trembling

0:23:570:24:00

because I am in any way apprehensive about

0:24:000:24:02

cutting my own flowers.

0:24:020:24:03

No, it is because I drink.

0:24:030:24:06

The colossal amount of alcohol I ingest every day

0:24:060:24:09

has turned my nervous system to jelly.

0:24:090:24:12

Haud yir hand!

0:24:130:24:15

Well, McAllister?

0:24:260:24:28

When you speak Scotch, you are unintelligible,

0:24:280:24:32

and I cannot permit you to raise your voice in my garden.

0:24:320:24:35

So speak again, McAllister. What do you want?

0:24:350:24:37

This young lady, whose name escapes me, but that is not material,

0:24:390:24:43

has my full permission to take as many flowers

0:24:430:24:45

as she wants from my garden.

0:24:450:24:47

Note the possessive adjective, McAllister,

0:24:470:24:49

and if you do not like it, you know what you to do.

0:24:490:24:52

HE CLEARS THROAT

0:24:530:24:55

Moreover, if you wish to remain at Blandings,

0:24:560:25:00

you will surrender every shred of your demented ambition

0:25:000:25:05

to disfigure my moss with a disgusting gravel path.

0:25:050:25:10

There you have it, McAllister.

0:25:100:25:13

What do you say?

0:25:130:25:14

Good.

0:25:180:25:19

And the lady's name is Gladys, as you ask.

0:25:210:25:24

SCREAMING

0:25:240:25:25

Stone the crows! The 'ole bloomin' tent's on the wobble!

0:25:250:25:28

Hang on, you'll love this...

0:25:300:25:32

No! Hold your fire, Aunt C!

0:25:330:25:35

I understand what's happened here, and I am in control..

0:25:350:25:38

I have you now, Aunt Constance

0:25:390:25:41

They don't come much darker than you, Mr Threepwood.

0:25:460:25:49

Oh, God, Miss Youngsqueeze, let me explain!

0:25:490:25:51

Oh!

0:25:510:25:52

Oh, Mrs Rossiter!

0:25:520:25:54

Oh, yes! Keep doing that!

0:25:540:25:56

You are so very lovely when you smile.

0:25:560:25:59

Frederick!

0:25:590:26:00

I am going...

0:26:120:26:13

..to my room.

0:26:150:26:17

PIG GRUNTING

0:26:360:26:38

Ern asked me to give you this, sir.

0:26:380:26:40

Oh!

0:26:400:26:42

Oh, please tell Ern that I embrace him as a gentleman

0:26:420:26:46

and am for ever in his service. Oh!

0:26:460:26:50

Would you care to scratch the Empress?

0:26:560:26:59

Yes, sir, thank you, sir.

0:26:590:27:01

Corton, '02.

0:27:090:27:10

From the vines of Charlemagne himself.

0:27:130:27:16

Regum mensis arisque deorum.

0:27:170:27:20

"For the tables of kings and altars of gods."

0:27:200:27:23

Cheeky little minx.

0:27:230:27:25

HE SLURPS

0:27:290:27:31

Quite right. Past its best.

0:27:330:27:35

Guv'nor? I was wondering,

0:27:370:27:40

now that the speech business has been successfully finessed,

0:27:400:27:45

could you find it in your heart

0:27:450:27:47

to settle my account at the Pink Pussy Club?

0:27:470:27:50

-You see, when I said...

-Yes.

0:27:500:27:51

..that I didn't need money, I was using the word "need"

0:27:510:27:55

in a purely private sense to mean...

0:27:550:27:57

What?

0:27:570:27:59

Yes. I'll write you a cheque.

0:27:590:28:01

Good God. Are you quite well?

0:28:030:28:04

Tickety-boo, my boy. Tip-top.

0:28:040:28:06

You do know that Aunt Constance has gone to her room?

0:28:080:28:11

Best place for her.

0:28:110:28:13

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