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This programme contains strong language and adult humour. | 0:00:03 | 0:00:07 | |
Well, it's not going to win fastest search dog at Crufts, is it, Millsy? | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
It? The dog's got a name, boss. Monty. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:21 | |
Come on, Monty. Find the device, yeah? | 0:00:21 | 0:00:24 | |
Yeah, Monty, and get turned into fine doggie mist! | 0:00:24 | 0:00:27 | |
-Er, no! -No, boss. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:28 | |
Ow! | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
Rather him than me, though, right? | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
S'pose. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
-Lucky we've got all day. -I don't think he's well, boss. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
Oh, then, should we take the lickle bow-wow to the special doggy doctor? | 0:00:40 | 0:00:45 | |
-Hey! -Good boy! | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
-Hey, Monty! -Monty! | 0:00:47 | 0:00:49 | |
-Good boy, Monty! -Good boy?! | 0:00:49 | 0:00:50 | |
He didn't find anything! | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
He's not well, is he? Is he, is he? | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
Right. I suppose it's all down to me, then. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
He doesn't look happy. Do you? | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
Er...highly skilled being with opposable thumbs here. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:03 | |
Ooooh! | 0:01:03 | 0:01:04 | |
Would I command more of your attention | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
if I licked my own bollocks? | 0:01:07 | 0:01:08 | |
-Yeah, obviously. -Er, yeah. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
So until the doggy-woggy is bettery-wettery, | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
the operation's on hold. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:42 | |
-Can't they spare another dog? -Apparently not. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
I imagine they're all busy being rogered by their handlers. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
So we can strap in for several days of sitting on our arses, | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
and you, Mac, can masturbate to your heart's content. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
Gleaming. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
I imagine it will be. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:55 | |
Don't forget to rinse Gloria out afterwards, yeah? | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
Ignore them, Gloria. They don't understand what we have together. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
-Hi, guys. -Ah! | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
Good afternoon. ALL MURMUR GREETINGS | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
So, I was thinking, I'd like to do something really special | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
-for everyone. -Excellent. -I want to get everyone together, | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
have a bit of fun, bit of light relief. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
-Ooh, sounds like an orgy, Padre. -No! | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
I was thinking...a Mexican night. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:19 | |
Nice one, Padre! | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
A Mexican night? Rejoicing in the culture | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
-and history of that proud nation. -Exactly. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
The cookhouse got sent a job lot of out-of-date Doritos, did they? | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
That may also be the truth, yes. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
Let's celebrate this administrative error by wearing | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
false moustaches and talking in slightly racist accents. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
-IN MEXICAN ACCENTS: Hola, amigo! -You looking at my donkey? | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
Arriba, arriba! | 0:02:37 | 0:02:38 | |
-That the kind of thing you had in mind? -I just thought it might be fun. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
And I hear you guys aren't too busy, so if anyone would like to help... | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
Yeah, because when we're not risking our lives bravely defusing bombs, | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
we generally enjoying painting pretty pictures of cacti. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
-Gay! -It is my job to organise | 0:02:49 | 0:02:50 | |
this kind of thing, Nick. Didn't the last padre do theme nights? | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
Yes and no. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
French night involved baguette fencing and a garlic-eating contest. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
Spanish night involved Mac dressing up as a bull | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
and us trying to poke him with bayonets, | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
and Pakistani night involved | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
the resignation of two of our translators. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
I think it's safe to say the bar for theme nights has been set pretty low. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:11 | |
Reading between the lines, I think Nick's saying, "Don't bother." | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
Oh, you got that too? Right. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:15 | |
Thanks for the support, guys. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
-I think a Mexican night is a good idea. -No, not doing it. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
THEY ALL CHAT Ooh, hello! | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
Stranger! | 0:03:22 | 0:03:23 | |
I'm Captain Parikh, Veterinary Corps? | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
Here to see Monty, who's unwell, obviously. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
Otherwise why would I be here? | 0:03:28 | 0:03:29 | |
Well, it is a lovely part of the world | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
especially if you like sweating and/or being blown to pieces. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
Tell me about it. So... | 0:03:34 | 0:03:35 | |
Monty is...looking a bit forlorn and is very sleepy. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:40 | |
So that's scientific. SHE GIGGLES | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
Sorry, Corporal B... | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
Lynda. Bird. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:47 | |
-Belinda Bird? -Bird. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
Lynda. Corporal. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
Signals. Bleep. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
Bird, are you speaking in Morse? | 0:03:53 | 0:03:55 | |
Sir, would you like some scran? | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
I-I was about to ask you the same thing. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:58 | |
I should probably crack on with treating the dog. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
Get to the bottom of it, possibly literally. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
-LAUGHS LOUDLY -Roger that! | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
Not roger it, as in fuck it. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
But as in, you know, um... Let me point you in the right direction. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
In fact, I could show you. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
I could be your escort. Not escort as in prostitute, | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
obviously, I'm not offering to have sex with you. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
You'd have to buy me dinner first. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:22 | |
Not that that would mean, um, we-we were in, er... | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
Jesus! | 0:04:25 | 0:04:26 | |
I know. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:27 | |
Worst flirt ever. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
Right, Millsy, what am I doing next? | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
-Your paperwork, boss. -Ah, yes. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
Oh, Millsy? | 0:04:33 | 0:04:34 | |
Could you do my paperwork? | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
Sure thing, boss. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
Hey! What's this doing here? | 0:04:39 | 0:04:40 | |
One of them sappers must have left it. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
Probably that poor fucker that lost his arms. Ha! | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
"Property of Lance Corporal Jack Ferris." | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
Fuck. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:48 | |
I didn't know! | 0:04:49 | 0:04:50 | |
You know, I've always wanted to learn how to play the guitar. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:54 | |
As long as you make sure you focus on that | 0:04:54 | 0:04:55 | |
-and not all that paperwork I may have recently mentioned. -What? | 0:04:55 | 0:04:59 | |
Oh. Yeah. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
And you're sure it's OK for me to use the chapel? | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
-Yeah, of course. -It's just, Charlotte sent me this DVD | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
so I could learn the waltz for the wedding. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
I thought it best to keep it quiet. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:19 | |
You know how Mac and Rocket would react. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: -Aye. Gay! | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
Sorry, terrible accent. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
Yes, it was. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:27 | |
Yeah. Learning to waltz, though. It's a good idea. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:30 | |
If you get it right, Charlotte will find it proper sexy. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
I don't need it to be sexy, I need it to be right. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
But it's very hard to say no to a man who can dance. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
You think she might say no? I thought the dance was AFTER the vows. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
-Shit! -No, it's just an expression. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
Oh, right. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
Good. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:47 | |
Yeah. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:48 | |
I'm a sucker for dancing. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
I did salsa with my ex for a while. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:51 | |
Oh, was that before he dumped you because of your gambling addiction? | 0:05:51 | 0:05:55 | |
Yes, it was. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:56 | |
Yeah. | 0:05:58 | 0:05:59 | |
I love dancing. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:00 | |
The feeling of being swept away. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
Away from all your... | 0:06:03 | 0:06:04 | |
-Oh! -Ooh, you don't mind, do you? | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
I mean, er, in the chapel. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
Oh, er...no. No. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
I'm not sure if the Bible has a view on inflatable sex toys, exactly. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
Anyway, I should go, cos I've got lots to do. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
I should crack on. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
GENTLE WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
LOUDER WALTZ MUSIC | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
Well, now! | 0:06:53 | 0:06:54 | |
It's for my wedding, OK? | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
Charlotte's more open-minded than I thought. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
I'm trying to learn the waltz for my first dance. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
Yet another reason not to get married, eh? Dancing's bad enough... | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
Mary said it'd be sexy. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:04 | |
-Mary was wrong. -She said | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
she could never say no to a man who could dance. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
-She said what now? -She said she could never say no | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
to a man who could dance. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:11 | |
Simon, you and I are going to learn how to dance. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
-What? -This Mexican night will have dancing. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:16 | |
Oh, it is going to have a lot of dancing. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:18 | |
This is going to be the theme night to end all theme nights. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
But not in the same way that Pakistani night nearly was. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
-Great, well, I'll tell Mary. -No! Noooo. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
Let's keep it as a nice surprise. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
What's the filthiest dance on here? | 0:07:27 | 0:07:28 | |
Mm, probably the tango. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
It's basically vertical dry-humping. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
-Right, we're learning that. -That's Argentinian, not Mexican. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
-So? -Salsa's Mexican. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
Salsa's for wankers. We're doing the tango. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:38 | |
Besides, it's time we learned to embrace our Argentinian friends. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
Unless they try it on again, in which case, we'll brass the fuckers up. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
Hang on! I need to learn the waltz. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
Simon, tango with me, I promise you waltzing to your heart's content. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:50 | |
-Fine. -Right. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:51 | |
-BOTH: You're being the women. -No! | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
Simon, this is for Mary. You're being the woman. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
As long as you're the woman for me later. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
Simon, I thought you'd never ask. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
# She don't want to go outside tonight | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
# Cos in a pipe she'll fly to the motherland | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
# Find love with another man | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
# It's too cold outside | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
# For angels to fly. # | 0:08:15 | 0:08:19 | |
-ROCKET: -That was nice! | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
Yes, thank you very much, Chris fucking Martin. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
It's Ed Sheeran, actually, boss. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:26 | |
You learnt that in a couple of hours? | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
Well, yeah, I had a head start, I used to play the viola. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
So, have we got any transport coming | 0:08:31 | 0:08:32 | |
or do I get to sit around for four to six more hours? | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
-Oi, oi, Bird! -Coming. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:36 | |
Anyway, the local farmer's got a sick goat, so I'd better go. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:40 | |
Hearts and minds, you know? | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
-Oh! -SHE GIGGLES | 0:08:42 | 0:08:43 | |
Hearts and minds, yeah. Good one. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
Hearts and minds, even the hearts and minds of the goats. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:50 | |
Yeah, I think I said hearts and minds too much. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
I'm all about the hearts and minds. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
And the other organs, of course. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
Oh! Because, yeah, yeah, you are a vet. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
Brilliant. Brilliant. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:02 | |
Bird! Come on! | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
Oh, well... B... | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
Er, b-bye, then, um... Hearts and minds! | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
OK. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
-So where we off to, Bird? -Oh, sorry, | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
-I should have said, it's a false alarm. -Oh, bloody hell! | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
We've been sitting here like arseholes! | 0:09:19 | 0:09:21 | |
We really do have fuck-all to do. Thanks for the immediate heads-up. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:24 | |
Sorry, boss, I was just getting the full story off Tom. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:26 | |
The vet. I mean, Captain Parikh. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
ALL HOOT WITH DERISION | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
Fuck every last one of you. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
Do you want to know the real reason why it was a false alarm? | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
No, we'd rather just take the piss out of you for a few more minutes. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
-"Oh, Tom! Oh, Tom!" -"Hold me tonight!" | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
Guys? | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
I'd really like a hand making some bunting for Mexican night. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
-Nah! -What did your last slave die of? | 0:09:45 | 0:09:46 | |
We've all got important things to do. Full kit check at 1500. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
-What did YOUR last slave die of? -Oi, you heard! | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
-Kit check! Come on! -Not you, Simon, | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
we've got to go through our...movement controls. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
-What's that? -Nothing. | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
I just want to do something useful around the base. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
Oh, cos you noticed that none of those prayers of yours | 0:10:04 | 0:10:07 | |
-ever get answered? -Well, one of them certainly hasn't been. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
WOMAN ON DVD: 'So you want to learn the dance of love?' | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
Come on, we've got to get this right. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
It's not for me, this is for Mary. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:20 | |
We're going to make this Mexican night unforgettable. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:24 | |
Believe me, I'm not going to forget this in a hurry. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
TANGO MUSIC | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
Ah! The dance party that dare not speak its name. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
Well, don't mind me. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:35 | |
Have you heard Millsy on that guitar? Boy's a genius. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
He's wasting his life titting about with IEDs. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:42 | |
He could be the next James Blunt. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
I dabbled, of course. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:47 | |
Singing. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
Guitar. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:50 | |
Hanging around the place in ripped jeans, whining about girls. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:54 | |
No sort of life, is it? | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
-No, sir. -No, sir. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:58 | |
# You're beautiful | 0:11:01 | 0:11:02 | |
# It's true | 0:11:04 | 0:11:05 | |
# I see your face | 0:11:07 | 0:11:08 | |
# In a crowded place... # | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
TANGO MUSIC | 0:11:14 | 0:11:15 | |
Boss... I filled in the forms from last month | 0:11:20 | 0:11:23 | |
which had a deadline of last week, | 0:11:23 | 0:11:25 | |
so shall I get started on...? Boss, are you learning to tango? | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
-No! -Why would you think that? | 0:11:28 | 0:11:29 | |
Well, I do watch Strictly. That is, my mum watches Strictly. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:32 | |
Actually, we all watch it if it's on... | 0:11:32 | 0:11:33 | |
All right, Millsy. I'm going to surprise Mary with a tango | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
-at the Mexican night. -Oh, right, but you know the tango's from Argentina? | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
-Yes, I know, Millsy. -Sorry, boss. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:40 | |
No-one will notice it's from Argentina if there's a shitload | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
of Mexican bunting and flags and all that. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
Can you make a shitload of Mexican bunting and flags and all that? | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
-Yeah, but, sir, I've got to do the... -Bunt, Millsy, now. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
-Boss, the paperwork? -Millsy! | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
It's MoD paperwork, bollocks to it. This is important. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
You heard me - get bunting. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:54 | |
And whatever you do, don't tell Mac and Rocket about the dancing. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
-Why not? -Have you met Mac and Rocket? | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
We'd never hear the end of it. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:00 | |
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: "What you doing? Dancing?! | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
"Gay! Gay! Gay!" | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
"Gay..." | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
Right, Simon. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
May I have this dance? | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
TANGO MUSIC | 0:12:14 | 0:12:15 | |
There you go. Lovely. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
Excuse me... | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
I'm so glad we found this secret place. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
MUSIC STOPS | 0:12:27 | 0:12:28 | |
-Have you seen Corporal Bird? -Why do you want to know? | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
She seems like a friendly enough sort, and... | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
Oh, does she? Does she indeed? | 0:12:33 | 0:12:35 | |
Simon, go and round up Rocket, Mac and Millsy, meet me in my quarters. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
You. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:45 | |
Come with me. Let's go find her. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
So, you're interested in Corporal Bird? | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
You said we were going to find her? | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
Let me introduce the committee. I'm Captain Medhurst, | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
this is Corporal Mills, Lance Corporal Lansley | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
and Private Armstrong. And your worst nightmare, and ours, | 0:12:57 | 0:13:01 | |
Private McDowell. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
Hello, spunk monkey. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
OK, this has been fun. So I'm just going to... | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
Fun? Oh, we're not here for fun. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
This is all part of the... vetting process. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
We're just very concerned for Bird's well-being. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:17 | |
And we've got bugger all else to do. So, Parikh... | 0:13:17 | 0:13:21 | |
..what are your intentions towards her? | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
Intentions? I'm not marrying her. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
Oh, so you just want to use her for sex. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:27 | |
-Wrong answer! -Oh, come on... | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
Shall I smack him, boss? | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
Uh...not yet. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:32 | |
So, come on, dog boy. Do you think you can keep her | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
in the manner to which she's become accustomed? | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
No' hard, to be honest. TV remote | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
and a packet of Hobnobs, she's happy. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
What we want to know, Captain - how much do you make? | 0:13:41 | 0:13:46 | |
None of your business! | 0:13:46 | 0:13:47 | |
Answer, fucknuts! | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
Just over 40K. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
-I am fucking retraining. -That's double what I get. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
Well done, you! It's no' fair, | 0:13:54 | 0:13:55 | |
yous don't even get shot at. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:56 | |
Well, I do get shat on. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
Even so, Captain, you are, with all due respect, a first-class pussy | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
who minced his way through the Vicars and Tarts course at Sandhurst | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
because he was good at biology. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
Anyone else got any questions? | 0:14:06 | 0:14:07 | |
Aye. How far away is the moon? | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
You got any STDs? | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
No. I bloody haven't. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
You spend your time with your hand up a cow's arse. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
-You must have been tempted to slip one in. -No, Private. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
I've never been tempted to slip one in. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:21 | |
And it's not their arse, but their vagina. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
Hmm. Interesting. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
Now, listen, Parikh. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:28 | |
We'll be watching you. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
And if you mistreat Bird in any way... | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
-Mac? -I'll rip your arms off | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
and stuff them up your arse! | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
Or should I say... | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
vagina? | 0:14:39 | 0:14:40 | |
Have you ever been to Mexico, Bird? | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
Nope. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:00 | |
Will and I went once on a holiday. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:01 | |
Well, it was in a resort in Cancun. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
Will did find some lovely local things for us to... | 0:15:03 | 0:15:06 | |
SHE GROANS It's all in the past. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
I'm really getting that. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:09 | |
I didn't know the Mexican flag had a hedgehog in the middle of it. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:13 | |
It's an eagle! | 0:15:13 | 0:15:14 | |
CLEARS THROAT It's an eagle. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
Sorry, I'm just really determined to make Mexican night | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
a flipping success. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:20 | |
Tom! Morning. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
-Oh, hello, er, Corporal. -Want to grab a pew? | 0:15:22 | 0:15:25 | |
Well, I'm not really, I mean... | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
It's all right, I won't bite. And if I do, I haven't got rabies. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
That sounded classier in my head. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:33 | |
It was funny. Ha-ha. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
Although, rabies is actually quite a serious problem out here. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
Right. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:40 | |
-Have a seat. -Uh...OK. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
So, how's Monty looking? | 0:15:48 | 0:15:49 | |
Better. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:50 | |
-And you're staying for...? -One more day. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
And... | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
what's your favourite colour? | 0:15:57 | 0:15:59 | |
-Blue. -Who've you been talking to? | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
I didn't catch all of their names... | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
I mean, no-one. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
I have to go now. Bye. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:06 | |
Ah! Mexican night. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
Good work, Padre. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
Thankless task. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
Still, nice hedgehog. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:18 | |
TANGO MUSIC | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
'Feel the rhythm of the music and dip your partner!' | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
OK, stop, stop. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:29 | |
Great! Can we learn the waltz now? | 0:16:29 | 0:16:32 | |
At some point. Right. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:33 | |
This track's no good because of the voice-over. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
You know what Mary would like? | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
Live music. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
Millsy, you're going to have to learn tango music on that guitar. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
Kind of got my hands full with bunting, boss. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
And we've run out of paper, so... | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
Yeah. I'm not sure that Mary would... | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
Never mind. Carry on, and take this DVD back a bit. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
Right. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:56 | |
'Feel the rhythm of the music and dip your partner.' | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
What the fuck have you lot been saying to...? | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
-Let me stop there. What the fuck? -Bloody hell, Nick. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
I thought Thursday night was man-love night. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
-It's for his wedding. -Anyway, what have you lot | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
been saying to Parikh? Cos I just tried talking to him | 0:17:12 | 0:17:15 | |
and he could not have given less of a shit. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:16 | |
Were you telling him your "I once met a Spice Girl" story? | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
No. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:20 | |
And FYI, that is a good story. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
-Which one did you meet, by the way? -Mel C. Sporty. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
I always liked Ginger. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:27 | |
-Oh, what?! -Oh, Jesus! | 0:17:27 | 0:17:28 | |
-I know, I'm not proud of it. -You shouldn't be. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
Ginger was the boring one that boring people fancied | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
because they thought she was a bit racy. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
You know, the kind of guys that think | 0:17:34 | 0:17:35 | |
that doggy-style is really out there. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
I mean, obviously, I fancied the other four as well. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
Actually, I had this dream once where all five of them were... | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
-SHE GROANS -Never mind. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:44 | |
So, look, are you going to help us prepare for Mexican night | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
-behind Mary's back? -Ooo-oo-ooh! | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
# Nick and Mary up a tree | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
# D-A-N-C-I-N-G. # | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
Dancing? | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
-Up a tree? -Yeah. | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
Look, can you bunt so that Millsy can get on | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
and learn his tango music? | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
OK. OK, but you need to fix this with Parikh. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
And...be subtle, right? | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
Subtle. Right. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
What's wrong with Corporal Bird?! | 0:18:12 | 0:18:13 | |
Nothing! As far as I can tell, | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
while keeping a respectful distance. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
Yeah, well, your respectful distance | 0:18:17 | 0:18:18 | |
-is starting to come across as fucking rude. -FUCKING RUDE! | 0:18:18 | 0:18:22 | |
-Right, what arm first, boss? -Get off! | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
He's no' good enough for Bird. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:25 | |
Up to your elbow in a cow's jacksie?! | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
-Vagina, it's the vagina! -Because the jacksie would be disgusting? | 0:18:27 | 0:18:31 | |
Sometimes you have to clear out the rectum before you... | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
It's not important. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:34 | |
You're lucky to have Bird interested in you at all. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:37 | |
It certainly doesn't feel that way. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:38 | |
She's honest. She's loyal. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:39 | |
She's a surprisingly considerate lover. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
ALL: What?! | 0:18:42 | 0:18:43 | |
Yeah. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:44 | |
Yeah, happened in Andover, | 0:18:44 | 0:18:46 | |
when we said we were going to the George and Dragon. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
Just got it out the way, said we'd never speak of it again. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
Well, to each other, anyway. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
I spent bloody ages looking for that pub. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
Anyway, any more questions for Parikh? | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
Aye. | 0:18:57 | 0:18:58 | |
How tall's a brontosaurus? | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
Morning, all. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
Don't get up. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:03 | |
Actually, I'm tied to the chair. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:04 | |
Oh, yes. Mary seems to be | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
in a bit of a funk about this Mexican night, | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
thinks she's not getting enough support. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
I presume you're organising it secretly behind her back | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
-to try and impress her? -Um... -Good-oh. Anything I can do, etc. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:17 | |
Parikh, we're having a mini-shindig tonight. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:23 | |
A min-dig, if you will. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:25 | |
You're going to ask Bird along, I think? | 0:19:25 | 0:19:27 | |
-We... -Thought so. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:29 | |
Carry on. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:30 | |
You heard him. RUN! | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
Corporal Bird. Could we...? | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
Yes, Captain Parikh? | 0:19:54 | 0:19:55 | |
So, Corporal, I... | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
I was wondering if you would like to go to this mini-shindig with me. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
-Min-dig? Yeah, go on, then. -Great. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:13 | |
So I'll see you at 20:00 hours? | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
Will do. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:17 | |
I'll be the one wearing this. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
Right. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:20 | |
NICK SNIGGERS | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
Right, I think we've got them all. I'm going in. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
-BARKING -Wait, boss. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
Monty's thinking about something. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
Well, I'll be sure not to tread in it. Thank you, Bird. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
He's found another device, just outside the five and 20s. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
Shit. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:40 | |
That's a bit close for comfort. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:43 | |
OK, we've got to move back, everyone. | 0:20:43 | 0:20:45 | |
Come on. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:47 | |
There's a good boy, well done, well done, Monty! | 0:20:47 | 0:20:50 | |
Now all you need to do is use the disruptor to cut the wire... | 0:20:50 | 0:20:55 | |
Tell you what, I'll do that. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
Who's a good boy? A good boy! | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
Do animals really have vaginas? | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
Aye. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:18 | |
Obviously. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
Do they? | 0:21:20 | 0:21:21 | |
You just never think of it. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:24 | |
Course they have vaginas. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:25 | |
Otherwise how would they shag each other? | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
What about fish? | 0:21:28 | 0:21:29 | |
Eh? | 0:21:31 | 0:21:32 | |
-Fish. -Do fish have vaginas? | 0:21:32 | 0:21:34 | |
-Aye. -They must do... | 0:21:34 | 0:21:36 | |
so they can get fish fingered. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
-Fish don't have fingers. -I know. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
They're just called fish fingers | 0:21:41 | 0:21:42 | |
but they're actually just made up of wee bits of fish. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
Aye, I... | 0:21:45 | 0:21:46 | |
Forget it. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
What about whales? | 0:21:50 | 0:21:51 | |
Whales probably have vaginas. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
Massive fucking vaginas. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
I think most animals have vaginas. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
Or some other thing for shagging and for having baby animals out of. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
Baby animals come out of vaginas?! | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
Aye! Where do you think they come out of? | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
Where is everybody? | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
TANGO MUSIC | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
Come on, Nick! | 0:22:24 | 0:22:25 | |
Light, light on the feet! | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
I'm wearing boots. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:28 | |
It's about attitude, not footwear. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
Look, can we just stop this now and start to learn the waltz? | 0:22:31 | 0:22:34 | |
-Because Charlotte was quite insistent. -What, you expect me | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
to compromise my non-existent relationship with Mary | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
for some wedding? Now, come on. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
Look, I just think... | 0:22:41 | 0:22:42 | |
All right, ladies, simmer down. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:44 | |
Take it back, Millsy, I want to practise the dip again. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
TANGO MUSIC | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
What the fuck is this?! | 0:22:53 | 0:22:55 | |
Exactly. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
If that's meant to be a tango hold, you've got serious problems. | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
-What? -Eh? | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
Used to represent my school at Scottish country dancing. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
Only did a wee bit of ballroom, but I know a dodgy hold when I see one. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
Well, this takes the heat off me. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
Mac, if you'd like to get started on the jokes. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
Dancing, gay, Rocket's a buftie... | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
Nothing gay about Scottish country dancing. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
I thought you were one of the good guys, Skip. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:21 | |
But that's both homophobic and racist. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
You need to take | 0:23:23 | 0:23:24 | |
-a long, hard look at yourself. -HE TUTS | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
What about the Gay Gordons? | 0:23:28 | 0:23:29 | |
There's nothing fucking gay about the Gay fucking Gordons! | 0:23:29 | 0:23:34 | |
I stand corrected. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
Speaking of which, Rocket, come and show us a proper tango hold. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
Come on, come on. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
Mmm... Mm-hmm. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
I was doing that. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:48 | |
And... | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
one, two, three, four. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:51 | |
One, two, three, four. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
I'm impressed, Rocket. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
-Thanks, boss. -Didn't know you could count that high. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
You know, I didn't expect anyone to help, | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
but I thought people would come. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
I mean, at least for the free Doritos. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
No. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:13 | |
-There you go. -Cheers. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
Good work, Padre. Like the flag. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:20 | |
Gucci hedgehog. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
-Sorry, I... -I'm going to leave you to it. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
So, did I tell you I met Mel C? From the Spice Girls? | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
-Really? -Yep. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
-How come? -Well... | 0:24:37 | 0:24:39 | |
I was shopping with my sister... | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
Vamos! | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
FANFARE | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome tonight's star attraction, | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
a mariachi tribute band! | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
I say tribute, because tonight is the night mariachi music dies. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:55 | |
Please go wild for Los Dross Moss Bros! | 0:24:55 | 0:24:59 | |
CHEERING | 0:24:59 | 0:25:02 | |
Go on, boys! | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
BAND PLAYS MARIACHI MUSIC | 0:25:09 | 0:25:13 | |
This is amazing! Such a lovely surprise, | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
just when I thought you were being a complete twat about it. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
Oh, it is, it's just like Cancun...ish. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:24 | |
Well, we had a little spare time on our hands, so... | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
What's the bunting made out of? | 0:25:26 | 0:25:27 | |
Oh, interesting. OK. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:30 | |
Mac personally sacrificed 30 porno mags to make it. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
-I'm touched. -You should be. Nearly 10% of his library. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
Although I'm not really sure how Mexican it is. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
There's a Brazilian. That's pretty close. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:44 | |
BAND PLAYS TANGO MUSIC | 0:25:44 | 0:25:47 | |
CHEERING | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
SHE SOBS | 0:26:18 | 0:26:19 | |
-What's the matter? -Sorry, sorry. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
It's Will. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
-I miss him so much. I'm sorry. -You're kidding! | 0:26:29 | 0:26:32 | |
Will you let me up, please? | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
I need...I need some time to think. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:39 | |
You have got to be fucking joking! | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
You'd better carry on. Sir. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
TANGO MUSIC | 0:26:50 | 0:26:52 | |
Well, we've learnt it now. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:53 | |
And there she was. | 0:26:59 | 0:27:00 | |
Mel C. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:01 | |
-Wow. -Yeah. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
You know, I've always had a bit of a thing for the ginger one. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
-Really? -Yeah! Yeah. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:11 | |
Right. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:15 | |
I think we're done here. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:16 | |
So... | 0:27:22 | 0:27:23 | |
tomorrow we learn the waltz, as promised. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:26 | |
Promised? Doesn't sound like me. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
For the last 24 hours, | 0:27:28 | 0:27:29 | |
-we've done nothing... -Don't worry, Simon. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
-Rocket? -Boss? | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
Cut in, that's an order. There you go, Simon. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 | |
Waltz lessons. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:38 | |
It's a piece of piss. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
-Just do a triangle with your feet. -HE BURPS | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
Oh, how many Doritos have you eaten? | 0:27:43 | 0:27:47 | |
Only ten bags. | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 |