Episode 5 Bluestone 42


Episode 5

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Transcript


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This programme contains very strong language

0:00:020:00:09

PLANES ROAR

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Sir.

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Sergeant Robert Hogg from the search team, boss.

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Bob Hogg.

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Nick Medhurst. So, you've already met Millsy.

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This is Bird. There's Simon, Rocket and Mac.

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No offence, Sergeant, but where's Corporal Spooner?

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R&R. As are all the Desert Spoons.

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-Desert Spoons!

-BOTH CHUCKLE

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Because "desert spoons" sounds like "dessert spoons".

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-Yeah.

-Classic.

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HOGG SIGHS

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So, we're the Road Hoggs, cos I'm called Hogg and we clear the road. Heh.

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At least, I hope we do. Heh.

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On the road we've got Bogbrush and the Tosser,

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and at the front, we have Fortunate Darren, and our point man, Sandbag.

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-Why's he called Fortunate Darren?

-Cos he's not the point man!

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POLITE CHUCKLING

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Right. All done. Good work, Road Hoggs!

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Over to you.

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MAN SPEAKS OVER RADIO

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Why don't we have a team name?

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-Hm?

-I think the main reason is because...

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we're not ten years old.

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-SOLDIER IN DISTANCE: Oh, yeah!

-The Bomb Guys.

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-Oh-oh! Oh!

-Bird's Bomb Guys.

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No?

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-Aah!

-Bird's Bell-ends?

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Do you want the suit, boss? I would if I were you.

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Nah. It's too hot.

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Sh... Shit.

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Er...guys? Guys! Guys!

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Hogg! Hogg! Oi, Hogg! You're the leader of the search team.

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-Come here. Help me look for my Fisherman's Friend. It's my last one.

-Sandbag!

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Set Vallon to detect menthol!

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Your lucky sweets, are they?

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You ATOs always have some superstitious ritual.

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I'm not superstitious. They just help me focus.

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-Oh, boss! Boss! I've got it.

-Thank you, Millsy.

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Tell you what. The ATO in Bluestone 31

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always has to touch his number two's arse before he does the long walk.

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What?

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Nah. Think I'll stick to the sweets.

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HELICOPTER WHIRRS

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MAN SPEAKS OVER RADIO

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God, my balls are hot.

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I've got serious hot balls.

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There's so much sweat, you could catch it in a bucket.

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-It's the blast pants.

-Aye.

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I mean, whit's the point in protecting your balls against IEDs

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-if they're just gonnae melt anyways?

-Mac.

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If you don't shut up about your balls...

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..I'm going to come over there and pull them off myself.

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Pull off my balls? Gay.

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Eyes on!

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FIZZING

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Oh, shit.

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Oh, really shit. Millsy!

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Angry bomb!

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Everyone, eyes down! Take cover!

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Boss!

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-Millsy, prepare to fire the disruptor!

-OK, everybody!

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-Stand by!

-Fire it!

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Firing! Boss.

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NICK PANTS

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Caught fire.

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-You OK, boss?

-Yeah.

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Oh, God. Ooh!

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Whew. Battery pack. Whoof!

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-That

-was a close call.

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Oh! I thought this might happen.

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Sorry?

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-LOW CHATTER

-Boss?

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Just going to keep that as a lovely surprise?

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No, I...I didn't mean that...

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Well, I've noticed a couple of trends in the devices in the last month.

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Oh, and what is the fashionable terrorist planting this season,

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-according to Millsy?

-Look, I know you've been keeping your own records,

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but I've been keeping some too, and I've spotted a pattern.

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Oh, and were you planning to share this with me at any point?

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Yeah, sure, I can show you everything when we get back.

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Good. No, wait. Is this going to involve graphs?

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Well, I mean, there are a few ways to project the...

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I...I could focus solely on the... I...I could minimise the...

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-OK, no graphs.

-Good.

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What about Bird's Brave Bastards?

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Fuck off. - Shit!

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Bird, we already have a name.

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-Bluestone 42, our call sign.

-Yeah.

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But, Bluestone, what even is that?

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Actually, the pillars of Stonehenge are made from bluestone,

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-although "bluestone" means just any foreign stone...

-Oh, yeah.

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Thank you, Wankipedia.

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-LAUGHTER

-How about something like...

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Team Intrepid?

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-Fuck's sake.

-Intrepid? Yeah, Simon, let's have a name

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that makes us sound like we're off Junior Apprentice.

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Bird's Bitches!

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No!

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PLANES ROAR

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Here, who's up for a game of Extreme Hockey Ultimate Extreme?

0:05:280:05:32

-Gleaming! I'll get the crowbars!

-Please, no.

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-Dry Water-Skiing?

-Cook-House Splatterbang?

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-No!

-Aw, Skip.

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-You're as much fun as a turd on a plate.

-Mm.

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-Eh, how about a game of Freckles?

-Ooh!

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There is a time and a place for games, and it is not now.

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Gay.

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-You never play our games, Skip.

-Millsy wants to show us something.

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If he's invented a ball-cooling device, I'm in.

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-MAN SPEAKS OVER RADIO

-So, I've been keeping a log.

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Put it in a bag and burn it, like everybody else.

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Simmer down. Millsy?

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So, I've been keeping a record of all the devices we've encountered

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and I've broken them down into two types.

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-I said no graphs.

-It's a scatter diagram, boss.

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So, the blue crosses are bog-standard devices that are easy to render safe.

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Easy? Interesting. Do go on.

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And, um...

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Well, the red crosses are what I like to call...

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-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-..a TDM.

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Tedium? That's a good name.

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-It stands for "training didn't matter".

-I beg your fucking pardon?

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Well, I mean the fact that the device didn't fully detonate

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was down to, er...chance, rather than our intervention or our training.

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Boss. Like the one this morning.

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The one this morning was bog standard, Millsy.

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The only reason it caught fire

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was because the Taliban paid the village idiot to put it in the ground.

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But, look, TDMs come in batches and we're due another batch very soon.

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No. No, we're not, Millsy. This is all speculation. You know what? It's bollocks.

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What do we do if we find something unusual?

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We follow training and procedure.

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So, if we do find one of your tedious devices, what do we do, Millsy?

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-We follow training and procedure, boss.

-Brilliant. Thanks for that, Millsy.

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Insightful as ever. Good meeting, everyone.

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Bloody hell, what happened?

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Can't find my sodding Fisherman's Friends. I had a spare bag somewhere.

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Shit.

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As you say...

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shit.

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Nick, have I done something wrong with Rocket and Mac?

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I don't know, Simon, have you? Have you been touching them while they sleep?

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Why don't they respect me?

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Ah, it's hard to know what to choose. Let's pick one.

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Mm, maybe because, I don't know, you don't join in their games?

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Their games are stupid, dangerous and often quite unhygienic.

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-Which is why they're fun.

-So, if I join in, they'll respect me?

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Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves, Simon. But it is a start.

0:07:470:07:50

Hi, Nick. Simon.

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Rocket and Mac wanted to know if anyone had five litres of bleach.

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Some game called, um...Camo Whiteout.

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Right, I'd better, um...

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So, what are you doing?

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This place looks like a bomb's hit...

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Er...I mean... Er...sorry.

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So, um, how are the team?

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-Anything I can do for you?

-Well...

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-Apart from that.

-Oh. You know, I'm always happy to come out on ops.

0:08:150:08:18

Some of your guys might appreciate a bit of, um...spiritual top cover.

0:08:180:08:21

Well, you could do that from here, couldn't you?

0:08:210:08:23

Or does your praying have a maximum range?

0:08:230:08:25

Very funny. So, what are you looking for?

0:08:250:08:27

I can't find my bloody Fisherman's Friends.

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-I've got Mint Imperials.

-HE GASPS

0:08:300:08:32

-I had no idea.

-Get off. What are you doing?

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-You have the face and body of a much younger woman, and yet, actually, you're 96.

-What?

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Mint Imperials are granny sweets.

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Why, Grandma, what young, fresh skin you have!

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Good chat, Nick.

0:08:460:08:48

OK.

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THEY LAUGH

0:08:530:08:55

-Ah, fuck!

-Ha-ha-ha! Yes!

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-THEY LAUGH

-Guys! Guys!

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Shite, Skip, we're only playing

0:09:020:09:04

-a wee game.

-Well,

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as long as there's no bleach involved, I'm in.

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Really?

0:09:090:09:10

-Yeah.

-Gleaming.

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-On your marks, get set...

-Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on! What are the rules?

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Total Fencing Deluxe? Well, if I remember rightly, Mac, it's ten points for the head,

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five points for the body, both hands on the pole, first to 30, no kicking, no biting, and no peeking.

0:09:230:09:28

Oh. Right, sir.

0:09:280:09:29

Well, how do you play it?

0:09:290:09:31

-Carry on!

-Oh!

0:09:330:09:34

-Play!

-WHOOPING AND LAUGHTER

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Yeah!

0:09:390:09:41

-Ten points to Skip!

-Come on! Come on!

0:09:410:09:43

Play!

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-Ten points to Skip.

-Come on!

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And play!

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-Five points to Mac!

-Yaah!

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Fuck!

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-The winner is Skip!

-Yes!

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Yes!

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HE SHOUTS

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Who's the daddy? Huh?

0:10:100:10:13

First game and I totally kick your arse!

0:10:130:10:15

-Aye, all right, Skip. Easy.

-Right, we're off.

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I just kicked Mac's arse at Total Fencing Deluxe.

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Which he invented.

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Nice one.

0:10:250:10:26

Get this... Let's get this packed up.

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-Oh! You fuck!

-THEY LAUGH

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OK, and you're absolutely sure they're not in your quarters?

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-Yeah, I looked, I looked.

-OK. Well, could they be in the det?

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-I've checked everywhere, Millsy.

-You ready?

-No. Wait.

0:10:390:10:42

-Where's my last bag of Fisherman's Friends? Have you hidden them again?

-No.

0:10:420:10:46

No, no. Wasn't that the bag you lost at poker?

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-Oh, shit sticks.

-I just assumed you replaced them.

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-Boss, we really should be...

-Yes, I know, Millsy!

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OK, OK, er, run and tell Mary that she can come with us.

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Go on, chop-chop.

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Bit of spiritual top cover, eh?

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What? No.

0:10:580:11:00

Look, she asked to come, so I'm letting her, OK?

0:11:000:11:02

You're not worried about all that crap Millsy was spouting earlier, are you?

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-PLANE ROARS

-Boss?

0:11:050:11:07

No. No, I'm fine. Right as rain.

0:11:070:11:10

The really right kind of rain. The...right rain. Right? All right?

0:11:100:11:13

-All right?

-All right, boss?

0:11:130:11:15

-Right, come on, Bird's Boneheads.

-Mm!

0:11:150:11:18

It's got a ring tae it.

0:11:180:11:19

-Aye. So does my arse.

-SNORTS

0:11:190:11:22

All done, just one device.

0:11:300:11:32

Although there is a big pile of goat shit down there on the left.

0:11:320:11:35

-We should check again.

-No, it's definitely goat shit.

0:11:350:11:38

Confirmed that with the Mark 1 eyeball. Ha-ha!

0:11:380:11:40

You heard him, Hogg. Check again. Millsy, get the robot ready.

0:11:400:11:43

-When these guys are finished, we'll double-check with that.

-Boss.

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Aye-aye! Feeling jumpy?

0:11:450:11:48

Let me guess, run out of Fisherman's Friends?

0:11:480:11:50

Why are you still here, talking?

0:11:500:11:53

Well, we have double-checked for...

0:11:530:11:55

You search until the ATO's satisfied. Do I look satisfied to you?

0:11:550:11:58

No, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Let me make this easier for you. OK? I'm the ATO.

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See? ATO.

0:12:030:12:04

This face? Not satisfied!

0:12:040:12:07

Sir. Fortunate Darren! Sandbag! Here we go round the mulberry bush.

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And will you leave it out with the fucking jokes when there's IEDs around?

0:12:110:12:14

Someone might get killed. You know, you, in fact, might get killed by me!

0:12:140:12:17

Fuck's sake!

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You know, I am sick of your stupid grinning face

0:12:180:12:20

every time I get ready to go down there!

0:12:200:12:22

Just do your fucking job, you absolute waste of uniform and training!

0:12:220:12:27

HELICOPTER WHIRRS Sir.

0:12:270:12:29

-Battery's low, boss.

-I want to be certain what we're dealing with.

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And we lose the A&A cordon in an hour, so...

0:12:560:12:58

I should just check the...

0:13:000:13:02

thing.

0:13:020:13:04

MAN SPEAKS OVER RADIO

0:13:040:13:07

-Are you praying?

-Is that all right?

0:13:090:13:11

As long as you get Baby Jesus to make my mum send me some chocolates.

0:13:110:13:15

I'm not sure it works like that.

0:13:150:13:17

I'm not sure it works at all.

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ROBOT WHIRRS AND STOPS

0:13:240:13:27

Shit. Battery's gone.

0:13:270:13:29

Fuck it. Right.

0:13:290:13:32

I'd better get down there.

0:13:330:13:34

-Got those Mint Imperials?

-Yeah, sure.

0:13:380:13:39

Although they're not as strong as Fisherman's Friends.

0:13:390:13:42

Unless you eat 20 of them.

0:13:430:13:45

-Ooh!

-MUFFLED SPEECH:

-Soot, Millsy!

0:13:460:13:48

Shoot? Er, shoot...shoot what, boss?

0:13:480:13:50

-MUFFLED SPEECH:

-Soot, Millsy! Soot.

-Oh.

0:13:500:13:52

Suit. Suit.

0:13:520:13:54

BIRDSONG

0:13:570:13:59

HELICOPTER WHIRRS

0:13:590:14:00

When I'm tense, I just imagine giving my mum a wee cuddle.

0:14:030:14:07

Aye. When I'm tense, I imagine giving your mum a wee cuddle.

0:14:070:14:10

Away tae fuck!

0:14:100:14:11

-ON RADIO:

-Guess what, Millsy? Straightforward VOIED.

0:14:110:14:15

No secondaries.

0:14:150:14:17

Bog standard.

0:14:170:14:19

So boggy, you could stride across it, admiring the heather,

0:14:190:14:22

whilst a team of jolly Irish labourers cut peat from a...

0:14:220:14:26

Yeah, I'm getting bored of this metaphor.

0:14:270:14:29

Would you like me to fire the disruptor, boss?

0:14:290:14:32

No, Millsy, cos I did it with my snips.

0:14:320:14:35

And without...my Fisherman's Friends.

0:14:350:14:38

I snipped the shit out of it.

0:14:380:14:39

That device will no longer be fathering other smaller devices,

0:14:390:14:43

because of my really expert snipping.

0:14:430:14:46

So much for your doom-laden horse shit.

0:14:460:14:47

I didn't say it would definitely be today, OK?

0:14:470:14:49

So, I might die tomorrow? Thank you very much, Millsy.

0:14:490:14:53

No, look, that's not what I meant, boss. I...

0:14:530:14:56

Boss?

0:14:580:15:00

Um...

0:15:000:15:01

how many Mint Imperials did you have?

0:15:010:15:04

I just need to know so I can pack them for next time.

0:15:040:15:06

HELICOPTER WHIRRS

0:15:060:15:08

LOW CHATTER OVER RADIO

0:15:080:15:10

VEHICLES RUMBLE

0:15:140:15:15

If we had a lucky mascot, we could be named after that!

0:15:150:15:18

-We've got one! Andy McNab!

-No! No, no, no!

0:15:180:15:22

Andy McNab is the name of Mac's cock!

0:15:220:15:24

Why? Because it's been out of action for years?

0:15:240:15:26

LAUGHTER

0:15:260:15:29

Fucking hell, Padre! Serious! Not cool! That's way out of order!

0:15:290:15:32

-Maybe we could be called...

-No!

0:15:320:15:35

That's it! No more nicknames! We're called Bluestone 42!

0:15:350:15:38

Or how about, "a bunch of noisy cunts who won't fucking shut up"?

0:15:380:15:43

-VEHICLE RUMBLES AND SQUEAKS

-No?

0:15:430:15:45

Good.

0:15:470:15:48

We've really got to get hold of some Fishermen's Friends.

0:15:580:16:00

He's done one device without. He'll be fine.

0:16:000:16:02

No, no, no, no. He's in a period of high stress, when he really shouldn't be.

0:16:020:16:05

What, you keep graphs on his mood swings as well?

0:16:050:16:07

-You are kidding me?

-Right now he's up here,

0:16:070:16:11

very stressed, when he should be here, relaxed.

0:16:110:16:14

You're insane.

0:16:140:16:15

-Or very sane.

-No.

0:16:150:16:18

Now, I think we can track down the bag he lost at poker.

0:16:190:16:21

Oh, give me strength.

0:16:230:16:24

-Nick lost the whole bag to Captain Softly. Captain Softly then lost...

-I tell you what.

0:16:240:16:27

You cream yourself over your graph. I'll just get on the phone and ask for some.

0:16:270:16:32

It's a flow chart, actually.

0:16:340:16:36

-Knock, knock?

-Hi.

0:16:440:16:45

Yeah, a...a special "tidying up" bomb hit it.

0:16:480:16:51

Right. Um... CO's just flown back in.

0:16:510:16:55

He wants a chat.

0:16:550:16:56

OK.

0:16:560:16:58

Nick.

0:16:580:17:00

-Is everything all right?

-Yeah, I think so. Why?

0:17:000:17:02

Cos since you ran out of your special sweets, you've been acting like a massive bell-end.

0:17:020:17:05

Might want to work on your bedside manner there, Padre.

0:17:050:17:08

Right, it's totally understandable that you're a little bit superstitious.

0:17:080:17:10

I'm not superstitious, OK?

0:17:100:17:12

-We had intelligence suggesting that the next bomb could...

-Put that down.

0:17:120:17:14

-This is knackered. You should bin it.

-No, no.

0:17:140:17:16

No, no, no, no, no.

0:17:160:17:17

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:17:220:17:23

This is the tin that I had when I did my first bomb.

0:17:260:17:28

Basra, 2008.

0:17:300:17:32

-And every bomb since.

-Not that a little metal tin could affect anything.

0:17:320:17:36

Yeah, well, it's not like you're not superstitious, is it?

0:17:360:17:38

I mean, Jesus is basically just your Fisherman's Friend.

0:17:380:17:41

-Huh! He was the friend of fishermen.

-Oh, shit, I really walked into that one, didn't I?

0:17:410:17:45

Yeah, at least four of the disciples were fishermen.

0:17:450:17:47

-Yes, OK, I get it. Run along now.

-Good luck with the CO.

0:17:470:17:50

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

0:17:520:17:54

Whoo!

0:17:550:17:56

Guys! Guys!

0:18:010:18:03

Guys! What are you doing?

0:18:030:18:05

-Just a wee game.

-Aye. Fucking Bronco.

0:18:050:18:07

One of the grease monkeys said we could borrow it for ten minutes.

0:18:070:18:10

No! I mean, I can't believe you're playing without me. Room for a small one?

0:18:100:18:14

-It's best played wi' two.

-Aye.

0:18:150:18:18

I could referee. HE WHISTLES

0:18:180:18:20

No ref in Fucking Bronco. Obviously.

0:18:200:18:22

Different game, then?

0:18:230:18:24

I think that ten minutes is up, Rocket.

0:18:250:18:28

-We should return the vehicle as agreed.

-Aye.

0:18:290:18:32

There's a time and a place for games, but that time is now over.

0:18:320:18:35

And that place is now over.

0:18:350:18:37

VEHICLE REVS

0:18:370:18:39

-Why won't they let me join in?

-I don't know, Simon.

0:18:480:18:50

Is it because you repeatedly hit one of your men round the head

0:18:500:18:53

with a big metal stick yesterday, or for some other reason?

0:18:530:18:56

Look, if you beat them at their own game, you're gonna look like an arsehole.

0:18:560:18:59

-So, I have to lose?

-Sure, if you want to look like a pussy.

0:18:590:19:02

Look, just play for a bit, then say you've got something important to do, and leave.

0:19:020:19:05

Join in, step out. J-I-S-O. Jiso.

0:19:050:19:08

-Join in, step out.

-Actually, Jiso would be quite a good nickname for you, Simon.

0:19:080:19:11

-I'll stick with Simon.

-Sure thing, Jiso.

0:19:110:19:14

LOW CHATTER

0:19:170:19:19

KNOCKS ON DOOR

0:19:190:19:21

Come. Ah, Captain Medhurst.

0:19:210:19:23

Sir, if this is about yesterday, I know I overstepped...

0:19:230:19:26

Ah, yes. The "Hogg roast".

0:19:260:19:29

I presume you're going to apologise, fulsomely?

0:19:290:19:32

-First opportunity, sir.

-Good-oh.

0:19:320:19:33

Worth remembering that his team's job is probably even more dangerous than yours.

0:19:330:19:38

Have I ever introduced you to Little Philip?

0:19:400:19:43

My niece gave it to me when I passed out of Sandhurst.

0:19:470:19:50

I suppose she thought I was in the Guards. Precocious child, but well-meaning.

0:19:500:19:54

Now works for...Honda.

0:19:540:19:58

The point is, this little chap has seen me through a couple of scrapes in Bosnia,

0:19:580:20:03

Sierra Leone...

0:20:030:20:04

and a moment of questionable legality in Cyprus.

0:20:040:20:07

Mm. Never told my unit about him, of course.

0:20:070:20:11

Didn't want to shit them up in case I lost him.

0:20:110:20:13

Just thought you'd be interested.

0:20:140:20:16

-Carry on.

-Sir.

0:20:160:20:18

Ah, Faruq. Just the man. Look.

0:20:280:20:30

-Can you get hold of some Fisherman's Friends?

-You want Fisherman's Friends!

-Shh-shh-shh.

0:20:300:20:34

I get you Fisherman's Friends, very good price.

0:20:340:20:36

OK, if you can get them before the next call-out, I'll give you 20 dollars.

0:20:360:20:39

For 20 dollars, you get lots of Fisherman's Friends. Bye-bye!

0:20:390:20:42

HELICOPTER WHIRRS

0:20:420:20:44

Of course they don't have an order number. They're sweets.

0:20:490:20:53

Oh, forget it.

0:20:530:20:55

So, er...going to give up on those sweets.

0:20:580:21:01

Don't need 'em no more.

0:21:030:21:04

Got your, er, lucky pants on?

0:21:040:21:07

-All my pants are lucky.

-Except with Mary.

0:21:070:21:09

Yeah, cheers for pointing that out, Bird. You're a brick.

0:21:090:21:11

-Oh! Bird's Bricks? No, it's shit.

-Not again.

0:21:110:21:14

Bird, what is it with this team name obsession?

0:21:140:21:16

Look, I was never in the cool gang at school.

0:21:160:21:18

My dad was the physics teacher, for a start.

0:21:180:21:20

-But if we had a name...

-Bird.

0:21:200:21:22

We are the cool gang. We're a counter-IED team.

0:21:220:21:25

When you get back to England, you're going to be so cool, you're gonna be bored of it.

0:21:250:21:28

That's going to make you even cooler.

0:21:280:21:30

Cheers, Nick.

0:21:300:21:32

Ah. Look, guys, about yesterday. I really want to apologise.

0:21:320:21:36

Bender. HE SNORTS

0:21:360:21:37

Bender? That's good. Er...I got carried away. So, rematch?

0:21:370:21:41

-Something different?

-Aye, we'll think of something.

0:21:430:21:45

Jiso. HE SNORTS

0:21:450:21:47

Ah, morning, all.

0:21:470:21:49

How are things with Team Diversity?

0:21:490:21:52

Er...Team what, now, sir?

0:21:520:21:53

Team Diversity. No?

0:21:530:21:56

Public school boy. Essex boy. A black guy. A woman. A Scot. A closet homosexual.

0:21:560:22:00

HE LAUGHS

0:22:000:22:02

Oh, Mac, ya buftie!

0:22:020:22:05

My God, you're right.

0:22:050:22:07

I've been living a lie!

0:22:070:22:09

Come on, baby! I'll give you a rocket!

0:22:090:22:11

Piss off!

0:22:120:22:14

HE PUFFS In denial.

0:22:140:22:16

Very sad.

0:22:160:22:18

MAN SPEAKS OVER RADIO Sorry, sir.

0:22:180:22:20

-Sir, with respect, um...

-PHONE RINGS

0:22:200:22:22

Team Diversity? I'm... I'm not just a token bird.

0:22:220:22:25

Course not. Just remarking on the changing face of the modern Army.

0:22:250:22:28

Carry on.

0:22:280:22:30

Guys, we're up. Transport's on its way.

0:22:300:22:32

OK, er... OK. Just, er, give me...give me two minutes.

0:22:320:22:34

Team Diversity? This is like Year Eight all over again.

0:22:340:22:37

Captain Nick! I have Fisherman's Friends!

0:22:410:22:43

Oh, thank fuck for that! How did you get them so...?

0:22:430:22:46

-Oh.

-The friends of fisherman, yes?

0:22:460:22:48

To help catch the fish.

0:22:480:22:50

-We agreed 30 dollars.

-No, Faruq.

0:22:500:22:52

Fisherman's Friends are a brand of sweet.

0:22:520:22:54

These are sweet, juicy. Er...special price, 20 dollars.

0:22:540:22:57

No. Look, Faruq, just take these back, OK?

0:22:570:22:59

Fisherman's Friends are...are small, brown, menthol sweets. Strong.

0:22:590:23:03

Menthol, brown, strong.

0:23:030:23:05

OK. I make some calls. Yeah, well, you've got about a minute before we have to go, so...

0:23:050:23:09

What's going on?

0:23:090:23:10

Well, we've got a shout on. You're going to come with us.

0:23:100:23:13

ENGINE STARTS UP

0:23:130:23:16

I'm just concerned I'll have to come out every time now.

0:23:180:23:22

But who's going to be sat at the base reading the Bible?

0:23:220:23:24

BAG RUSTLES

0:23:240:23:27

LOW CHATTER

0:23:270:23:29

OK.

0:23:340:23:35

Road Hoggs about to hand over to Team Diversity.

0:23:350:23:38

-Yeah, we're not called that, knob-face.

-Sandbag! We done?

0:23:380:23:42

That's two of your Earth minutes. Heh.

0:23:440:23:47

Boss, I tracked down your Fisherman's Friends.

0:23:490:23:52

Now, apparently, Lieutenant Freeman has them, but he's in Bastion now, so...

0:23:520:23:55

Millsy, thanks for going to all that trouble, but it's OK.

0:23:550:23:58

I've gone cold turkey.

0:23:580:23:59

-Oh. OK.

-Yeah. I don't need any stupid...

-Captain Nick!

0:23:590:24:02

-The Fisherman's Friends you asked for!

-I mean...

0:24:020:24:06

-I don't necessarily want...

-Oh, for fuck's sake, boss.

-Please, Nick, just have one.

0:24:060:24:09

We don't care.

0:24:090:24:11

Faruq, these appear to be sun-dried rabbit droppings...

0:24:140:24:17

OK, ten dollars.

0:24:170:24:18

..soaked in... HE SNIFFS

0:24:180:24:20

..some kind of cough mixture.

0:24:200:24:22

For you, five dollars! Go on.

0:24:220:24:24

BAG RUSTLES

0:24:280:24:31

I am actually considering eating one of these. What the fuck?

0:24:310:24:34

OK, right.

0:24:340:24:36

Good. Not playing this game any more.

0:24:370:24:39

No more TDMs, no more spiritual top cover, granny sweets,

0:24:390:24:43

no more lucky tins, Fisherman's Friends, and definitely no more rabbit shit.

0:24:430:24:47

We're done.

0:24:480:24:50

-Let's do this.

-Right.

0:24:510:24:52

-Do you want the suit, boss?

-Nah, too hot. I'll be fine.

0:24:520:24:55

After all, it's just drills and skills.

0:24:550:24:58

SCREAMING

0:25:010:25:03

Shit! Charlie, Charlie 1, this is Bluestone 42!

0:25:030:25:06

Contact IED. Wait out.

0:25:060:25:08

-Bird! Cat B!

-Hello, Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42.

0:25:080:25:11

Contact IED. Partial detonation.

0:25:110:25:13

One cas, Cat B, ref Blue 1. Sitrep to follow.

0:25:130:25:15

Diamond 21, acknowledge.

0:25:150:25:17

ENGINE STARTS

0:25:190:25:21

So, it was just the detonator that functioned. Not the main charge.

0:25:240:25:27

-But why didn't the whole thing go up?

-You see,

0:25:270:25:29

some of the devices are what I call a TDM,

0:25:290:25:31

-which stands for...

-It didn't go up because...

0:25:310:25:34

because he's Fortunate Darren.

0:25:340:25:35

If he wasn't fortunate, he'd be pink mist right now.

0:25:350:25:39

Good job he was wearing his blast pants.

0:25:390:25:41

Aye.

0:25:410:25:42

Has anybody else got really hot balls?

0:25:430:25:45

-How is he?

-Yeah, he's fine.

0:25:470:25:49

Well, he's lost three toes on his left foot, but...

0:25:490:25:51

-They should call him Toto.

-They already have.

0:25:510:25:54

Was Toto that dog in The Wizard Of Oz?

0:25:540:25:55

-Yeah.

-Why's he named after a dog?

0:25:550:25:58

Because...

0:25:580:25:59

Doesn't matter.

0:25:590:26:01

ENGINE STOPS Oh, bollocks.

0:26:140:26:16

-Jesus Christ!

-Who did that?

0:26:160:26:18

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha(!)

0:26:180:26:19

Classic.

0:26:190:26:21

Don't know what you're laughing at. Road Hoggs is a shite name anyway.

0:26:210:26:24

Yeah, and as one of your guys is now called Toto,

0:26:240:26:26

I hereby christen you The Friends Of Dorothy.

0:26:260:26:28

LAUGHTER

0:26:280:26:29

-That's not going to catch on.

-I'm pretty sure it will.

0:26:290:26:32

Look, Hogg.

0:26:320:26:34

About yesterday.

0:26:340:26:36

I was totally out of order. I owe you an apology.

0:26:360:26:40

-So, sorry.

-All forgotten.

0:26:400:26:42

You ATOs all crack at some point. You ought to try doing my job.

0:26:420:26:46

Sorry?

0:26:460:26:47

Well, we're the ones at the sharp end. Still, mustn't grumble.

0:26:470:26:51

No.

0:26:520:26:53

-Fisherman's Friend?

-Oh, thanks.

0:26:530:26:55

Have the whole tin.

0:26:550:26:58

Sorry to hear about Toto. How's morale with the other Friends Of Dorothy?

0:27:040:27:07

MAN SPEAKS OVER RADIO

0:27:130:27:16

-Oh, guys! So, are we playing the game?

-Aye.

0:27:170:27:20

Aye.

0:27:210:27:23

We were thinking we should try...Blind Man's...Muff.

0:27:230:27:26

Mm, sounds great! I'm in!

0:27:260:27:29

..98, 99,

0:27:310:27:33

100.

0:27:330:27:35

Blind man's muff!

0:27:350:27:37

OK, what now, guys?

0:27:380:27:40

Guys?

0:27:430:27:44

Guys? Guys?

0:27:450:27:47

William.

0:27:510:27:52

Mac!

0:27:570:27:58

Rocket!

0:27:580:27:59

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0:28:280:28:30

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