Episode 4 Bluestone 42

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Hey, hear about that guy that nearly died up at HQ?

Funny story!

Really not that funny, Mac.

He was found, right, passed out with an orange in his mouth

and his cock in his hand! (LAUGHS)

That is quite funny, Simon.

So, what, was he hungry?

No!

Auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Heightens the orgasm.

It's not funny, because he probably has mild brain damage.

But he's up at HQ, so no-one will notice.

(LAUGHTER)

He's been sent home. Imagine that -

"Oh, hello, love, you're back early. Why's that?"

"No reason."

"Orange juice?"

"Er... No, thanks!"

What would your fiancee think of that, Simon?

Obviously, that would never happen.

-Not a fan of the citrus-powered wank?

-NO!

Oh, shite! For a wedding present,

me and Rocket were going to club together and get you a grapefruit!

So everyone up for poker tonight?

-Aye.

-Of course.

Here, boss - you know you fancy the padre?

You should get her to play poker.

But instead of money, you should do strip poker.

No, I'm not bothering with her any more. She's a padre.

She's all...good and everything.

Where's the fun in that?

Nowhere, that's where.

She's dull. She's duller than a wet weekend in Wigan

with a female blood relative,

-so you can't even...

-I don't like this, boss.

-Oh, shit - what have you got?

-I just heard an, "Allahu Akbar".

Charlie, Charlie 1, this is Bluestone 42.

Be advised, possible incoming.

OK, guys. It's going to get bouncy.

(GUNFIRE)

Raise, 20.

20? You're kidding?

20? Shit.

How much is in the pot now?

90 pence.

(SIGHS) Too much for me.

You'd better not be bluffing, you spawny bastard.

Call.

Two pair.

Read 'em and weep.

There will be tears...of joy, cos I have trips!

I saved your arse this afternoon and this is how you repay me?

Three cards with the same number on, Rocket. That's good.

So trips is the same as three-of-a-kind?

Razor sharp, this one.

Come on, Rocky - your deal.

Sorry I'm late. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Come on, Millsy - you sit next to me.

Bird, Mac, blinds.

Ah, Mary - fancy a few hands of Texas Hold 'em?

Actually, I try to keep away from gambling...

Come on, it's only 5 and 10ps,

I don't think you're going to lose your shirt, although...

let's not rule that out, actually.

And so it begins.

Seriously, Simon's not here yet - take his place.

We don't want to make Rocket deal again, it'll take him 20 fucking minutes.

-Come on, Padre.

-Come on!

Remember, Rocket's shite, so you can take him to the cleaners.

Piss off.

All right. A couple of hands.

-Whoo!

-Get in!

How many cards is it, again?

-ALL: Two!

-All right!

Oof!

Oh...fuck.

That is unbelievable.

-Sorry about that.

-Skip, you've missed all the fun.

-Shut up, Mac.

-Mary's just taken three quid off him.

She slow-played pocket jacks - who does that?!

I do that - so I can beat pedestrians like you.

Padre, Charlotte's having second thoughts.

Fair enough. She wants a real man.

Not about me, knobhead!

About the venue.

She wants to get married in Scotland.

-Great.

-Are we invited?

-Brilliant.

-So we can come too? Very thoughtful, Skip.

But we'd already decided!

The River Court conference hotel, Stansted.

It's perfect. Wedding licence,

good access to the M11, ample parking...

Well, nothing says romance like good access to the M11.

Oh, Simon, ample parking - you're making me so wet!

(LAUGHTER)

Padre, are the rules different in Scotland?

I mean, could we get a priest to do it if the venue had a civil licence?

Simon! I became an Army padre

so I wouldn't have to spend my life talking about weddings, OK?

-Yeah, I just thought...

-We're kind of in the middle of a game.

Millsy! Deal!

I really fancy some snacks - something like crisps, nuts...

Oh, pork scratchings.

Or tablet. I love tablet.

So, Nick, what's the big plan?

Are you going to play safe, lose more money? Because that's a good plan.

The big plan...

is not to play for 10p bets.

Why don't we make it no limit? Good plan?

Fine.

No limit. Let's do it.

Fold.

-Nope.

-Fold.

Raise.

A pound.

-Fold?

-Raise.

-Another pound.

-Raise.

Five pounds.

Go on.

Go on, call it.

Go on, call the bet.

Or are you scared? Are you scared because it's five pounds?

Call.

-Raise.

-Fuck!

-What's going on?

-Will you take an IOU?

I'd rather take the shirt.

That one didn't even register.

I owe you...

..£100.

-Really?

-Serious?

-What's going on?

-You are fucking kidding me!

-Call.

ALL: Oh!

-Flush draw.

-Yes, we know, Millsy.

I didn't.

Basically, any heart will win it for Mary, except for the...

Just turn over the card!

Yes! Yes!

Get in! In your face, Medhurst!

Yes! Thank you, good night!

Oh, shit!

Er, Padre...

Are you all right, boss?

I have never been more aroused.

Mary!

-Mary, you forgot your winnings.

-I don't want to talk about it.

-But I owe you a hundred quid.

-No, you don't.

I mean, what were the odds of you winning that hand?

-12.1%.

-Really?

Yeah. I thought you had pocket tens and the big bet would push you off, but...

I shouldn't have been playing.

I... I just shouldn't have been playing.

Yes, you should - you are clearly amazing at poker.

Thanks, but it makes me a different person.

-You saw how I was with Simon.

-It's only Simon!

-It can't happen again.

-It must happen again!

-You have a gift.

-No, I don't, I have an addiction!

Had an addiction.

Awesome!

Oh, dear.

Mary!

This is in the strictest confidence, OK?

Of course.

I lost a lot of money.

And my MG. OK, my fiance's MG.

And my fiance.

Shit!

But he was about to go to the Falklands, so he wasn't going to need a car anyway

and I would've won it back the next week, so...

There had been a breakdown in trust, I know that now...

I'm the worst padre ever.

Or the best!

I'm going to phone my sponsor, make amends.

But this is why I don't gamble any more!

Marry me.

I mean...

Mary, me...

and you...

..should do...

more...

on this.

I'll see you at breakfast.

You bet.

Ah! "You bet"!

Don't get up.

Oh, too late!

Bird, a word. If you wouldn't mind stepping out of the Det?

-Sir?

-Probably heard about the sticky situation up at HQ?

Your boss got caught thrappping himself half to death with an orange in his mouth.

That was Jeff? Bloody hell.

Mm. What's the first rule?

Don't get caught thrapping yourself half to death with an orange in your mouth.

I'll... I'll bear that in mind, sir.

So, they need an ECM adviser, sharpish.

High time you got the nod, especially after anticipating that contact today.

You'll be double-hatting at first.

You'll need to bone up on all of this.

Wait, they want me to be chief bleep?

Yes, keep up. Probationary period as acting sergeant.

Stay with your team for now, but you'll be up to HQ for the odd meeting - very odd,

I expect, given the orange incident! Ha!

-Anyway, congratulations, Bird.

-Thank you, sir.

Word to the wise - don't be an RPA.

-Sir?

-Recently Promoted Arsehole.

Got it, Chief.

Just like that, ACTING Sergeant.

They charge extra for the hire of napkin rings!

SIMON: Bloody hell.

This where you're getting married?

Drumcredie Castle.

Bum-credie Castle.

Yeah, Charlotte wants to go there, but...

"For a perfect, magical day..."

For a perfect, magical gay!

Yes, all right, Mac.

Skip, don't get married here.

Yes! Impractical, right?

I mean, it's miles away, and the corkage... Extortionate.

No, it's not that. It's the old Scottish saying - marry in castle, arseh'l.

Is it?

No! Is it?

-Is it? Is it?

-Mm-hm.

Thanks for the support, guys.

Phwoar! Hey, Rocket - look at that, eh?

Who knew that Millsy had such a filthy looking girlfriend, eh?

-I don't have a girlfriend.

-Who's this, then, eh?

Hey, that's my sister - give it back!

I'm sorry.

That just won't be possible at this time.

-Mac! Now.

-Fight me for it.

I'm not going to fight you for it, just hand it over.

You could fry an egg on those hot pants...Tssss!

Give it back. Well, that is quite an outfit.

She's 17.

Aye...legal!

And she was 15 when the picture was taken.

(LAUGHS) Paedo!

We were on holiday in Italy.

Ah! The age of consent in Italy is 14, so...

legal!

How do you even know that?

14 is legal in loads of countries - Albania, Austria, Brazil...

Mac, have you learnt the age of consent in every country?

Wikipedia.

(WHISPERS) My God.

Come on, Millsy - me and you, square go.

Winner keeps the picture.

Give it back, it's his sister.

Nah.

-What did the colonel want, Bird?

-Oh, nothing.

Well, something.

They need a new chief bleep.

They want me.

I've been bumped up to Acting Sergeant.

-Nice one!

-Whoo!

Yes, I'll be double-hatting at first...

Good idea - you don't want to get pregnant.

It doesn't matter.

So, I'll be off to Bastion.

Oh, up at HQ with the big boys.

Yep.

Not here, saving your arses.

Well, they'll be lucky to have you.

Thanks, Simon.

Guys.

Anyway...lot of work.

What are we going to do without Bird?

Well, she'll just be replaced by someone with identical training

and do the exact...

Oh. I get it.

Bird's awesome, yeah!

Anyway...photo.

Fight!

-Can't we just tell her not to go?

-No!

Big chance, big promotion, big job like this?

-Big job!

-Big jobbie!

I see, yep...

No, it's a big promotion...

"With a big jobbie like this!"

All right...

Big jobbie!

Yes, I understand...

(LAUGHTER)

See you, Jobbie!

-What?

-You know how I said I'd never been more aroused?

Yeah.

I have to inform you I have now been further aroused.

My levels of arousal are currently unprecedented.

Well, that is great, boss.

-Um, listen - I need to talk to you...

-Mary's a gambling addict.

She spunked away her fiance's MG.

Really?

Wow. Anyway, boss, the thing is...

Cos gambling's got to be my way in, right?

I mean, if I can convince Mary to start gambling again,

she'll weaken and give up trying to be good.

Yes, great, now can you bloody listen to me? I've been promoted.

Acting Sergeant.

-They want me to be chief bleep.

-Oh, nice one, Bird.

About time. Oh, that's why there's a chopper here, to take you to HQ,

-some kind of meeting or something?

-And you didn't start with that?

Fucking hell, Nick!

And FYI, my job is more important to me than your stupid sex life, OK?

(COUGHS) RPA!

Up your cocking arse, Nick!

What's it going to be today? Fried or scrambled?

-Fried again, probably.

-Yeah, I reckon it's scrambled.

Care to make it interesting?

Oh, very good, Nick - sensitive.

Go on. Sportsman's bet. Next person in, corporal or above.

No! Nick, you don't seem to understand - this isn't funny for me.

Would you offer a heroin addict some heroin?

Depends what I was getting in return.

Oh, there's Simon - I need to make amends to him.

You haven't made amends to me!

I tore up that IOU.

Yeah, but you ruined the game and the emotional damage of that and...

What about my reputation?

I'll settle for a bottle of single malt.

A packet of pork scratchings?

Hi, Simon....

Um...

I have a problem with gambling.

Really?

Shit!

Yes, so I wanted to apologise for last night and make it up to you if I can.

-OK.

-So if you want to talk about your wedding...

Yes!

Charlotte wants to get married in a Scottish castle.

Well, you know what they say...

Yeah. Marry in a castle, arsehole.

Do they?

What they do say is...

You've just spent your engagement thinking about the wedding.

She's spent her whole life.

I mean, when I was little, I wanted this red and gold theme with a big canopy

and these little stars sewn in...

This isn't about me.

Drumcredie is ridiculous.

Inverness is the nearest town.

55 minutes away.

River Court is near the house, plenty of parking, corkage is reasonable.

-It ticks all the boxes.

-Does it?

Oh, yes.

That looks...comprehensive.

If you want to change her mind, you can't just dig your heels in -

say that it's nice...

She wants to release doves.

Doves!

Pigeons, I can understand.

They'd fly home, we'd get the deposit back.

Is there a third option?

We did look at somewhere called Handleford Hall,

but it's limited parking

-and the ground staff...

-We're on. Transport in ten.

Anything is better than there.

Yeah, this does look completely impr... Oh, no, but look!

When you book, they Photoshop a picture of you out the front, looking all romantic...

Bird, you're back! I missed you this morning, but I got you these.

I've been busy.

Actually, Faruq got them for you, they're to hand out at your next meeting at HQ.

It'll be hilarious.

Is my career a joke to you?

Everything's a joke to me! We have met, right?

Just thought it'd be funny.

Well, I mean,

it would be funny, but...

Holland.

16.

Cyprus.

17.

-Kenya?

-16.

Iran.

16, but you need to be married.

Shite. Hope we don't invade Iran next.

You and me both, my friend.

You and me both.

Bird, Bird, Bird.

Sorry about the orange gag.

Let's talk about something else.

Ooh, what could you mean?

Oh, of course! You and Mary.

Er, not necessarily.

What happened?

I got another knock-back.

Oh, well, excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor.

It's not like you had a better plan, is it?

Well, if you actually like someone, Nick, maybe try and show them,

rather than behaving like a mindless, selfish, adolescent prick.

Just a thought.

Kit's ready, boss, so if you...

Oh, sick - it's stuck in his fucking helmet.

Oi, Mac!

That's my photo!

Aye!

Very nice!

(CHUCKLING)

Knock-knock.

Yes, Captain Medhurst.

Look, I just wanted to stop by to say sorry.

For?

For... You know.

Permanently cracking onto me? Making jokes about my gambling habit?

Not respecting me or my job?

The middle one.

And the last one.

-Wait, what was the first one again?

-Doesn't matter.

I'm theologically compelled to forgive you, sadly.

Great.

Listen, I really did want to say sorry.

Um, I know that sometimes I don't take things seriously enough

and I know that losing a fiance...

is terrible.

Do you?

All right, thank you, Nick.

How long were you together?

-Three years. Engaged for six months.

-Ah!

I can't compete with that. Didn't even manage one month.

What, you were engaged? It doesn't count if it was for a bet.

(SCOFFS) No.

Took her to Vienna, got down on one knee in the Riesenrad,

-looking out over St Stephen's Cathedral.

-Yeah, what happened?

-You didn't cheat on her, did you?

-I didn't cheat, no.

We got back and in the cold light of Gatwick Airport,

she 'fessed up to sleeping with one of my mates.

-What? No!

-Yeah, I was engaged for 16 hours.

Since then it's been hard to... find someone to trust.

Yeah, I can imagine that would be difficult.

What was her name?

Marianne, why?

Mary Ann?

Hm. No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, good improvisation skills, but I can see what you're doing.

"The cold light of Gatwick Airport"?

Come on. None of that's true, is it?

No. No. Just... Just made it up.

Thought you'd be convinced by the detail.

Riesenrad.

Anyway, er, where are we with those pork scratchings?

Never mind. Crack on.

Ah, Sergeant Bird. Don't get up.

HQ seem very keen on you, so want you up there for good on Friday.

Er, I thought I'd be double-hatting for a couple of weeks, sir.

You can't wear two hats in the field for long.

-Unless you have a very big head.

-Sir.

So, you need to pick a new bleep for your detachment,

and you'll be playing bridge in Bastion in no time.

Exciting.

Carry on.

-Sir.

-Sir.

-We getting a new bleep? Gie's a look!

-Yep.

Apparently I'm off in three days.

-Lucky you.

-So, I'll be up to HQ.

Geek. Twat. Gay.

-And not here. With you.

-Gay.

-In three days?

-Whoa! Who is that?

Does this CV have measurements?

Yeah, yeah. Military personnel files have bust sizes.

-What? Really?

-She's fit.

Corporal Ava Bishop. Yeah.

Yeah, easily the least qualified.

-She looks pretty fucking qualified to me.

-Aye!

Yeah, cos when we disrupt enemy communications in the electronic battle space

with our jamming capabilities, we operate the equipment with our tits.

I just heard "jam" and "tits".

You do know this is to replace me, yeah?

Aye, your big promotion. Good on you. Can we get this one?

-Just give me that!

-All right!

Go on, piss off.

Hi, guys. Hiya, Bird.

Toffee?

I just want to say, well done on your promotion.

-Thanks, Padre.

-You pleased?

Yeah.

Well, if that's your padre-ing done,

-lot of work, so...

-Yeah, absolutely, sure.

Just want to say, your team will miss you...

What is their fucking problem?!

Could they not show some sign of being sorry to lose me?

They're all, like, "Off you fuck, Bird. Can your replacement have big tits?"

I'm sure they actually...

Have they not noticed that I save their lives on a daily fucking basis?

I don't even want to go to HQ.

I'd stay if they'd ask me, but they haven't, so fuck 'em.

Look, I'm not defending them,

but these aren't the most emotionally mature guys

we've ever met, are they?

I mean, look at Nick. He'd be quite a nice guy if he was...

Oh, here we go! How have we ended up talking about Nick bloody Medhurst?!

Yes, you're right.

Sorry. I'm, um...

No. What did he say?

Oh, nothing. Just a cock and bull story about being engaged. Blah-blah-blah.

Oh! Marianne. The Blonde Betrayer.

Oh, sh...

Sugar. I just threw him out for making it up.

Ha!

You're the...shittest padre ever.

Drumcredie Castle has loads going for it. It's beautiful.

If you like that sort of thing. Which I do.

And you don't mind how much the corkage costs. Which I don't. It's...

Yup. Yup.

Yeah. Before we completely rule out all the other opt... Yeah.

Yep.

No, happy to rule out River Court, despite its many practical bonuses.

Yeah. I wonder if there is a third opt...

Darling, I've got to go.

Well...

Yeah, the IED is quite important too.

Look, it's just a case of...

No, I do like Bum...Brum... Drum...Drum...Drumcredie.

(SPLUTTERS)

But just have another look at Handleford Hall,

because the corkage is...

It doesn't matter. Bye!

Bird? We getting that Corporal Ava?

Fuck's sake. She's 26, Mac. Bit old for you.

-I'm broad-minded.

-Yeah, well, she's not blind.

-All right, Millsy. We'll let that soak.

-Boss.

-Bird. A word.

-Yes? What? Is this about Mary?

No.

Yes.

Yes, she asked about your fiancee.

-Yes, I told her she 'fessed up to sleeping with your mate.

-And?

And no, I didn't tell her you then shagged her sister.

Awesome. Where would I be without you, Bird?

Dead, I expect.

Yeah. Dead.

-Do you think she's all right?

-I don't know, Millsy.

I'm finding her particularly tricky to read at the moment,

but no, I do NOT think she's all right.

(ROCKET AND MAC LAUGH)

Ah, Mary, can I have a word?

-Absolutely, yes, I owe you an apology.

-We need to...

-Oh, well...yes.

-Yes.

I'm sorry for what I said about your experience in Vienna.

I know how painful that must have been.

It's fine. It's all water under the Konstantinsteg.

-Vienna's oldest bridge.

-OK, you were in Vienna, I get it.

-Now, you wanted a word with me?

-Yeah.

It's about Bird. I don't think she's happy.

And at the end of the observation round, Nick's team scores one point.

-What's wrong with her?

-Are you going to miss her?

Yeah, she's awesome, one in a million.

-Have you told her that?

-Yeah...

probably.

A while ago.

Oh, I see.

-Sergeant Bird.

-Yes, sir.

Sorry, sir.

The file for Corporal Ava Bishop's gone missing. Any ideas?

Er, yeah, Mac would have picked that up.

We should probably check his bunk.

Why don't we wait for him in the Det?

Don't want to catch him "thrappus interruptus," do we?

-Probably not, sir.

-Shall we?

(CHEERING)

You bunch of soft bloody pansies. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen... Well, ladies and men.

It's now time for the award for Best Bleep Ever.

(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)

There's only one nomination, and the award goes to...

Sergeant Lynda Bird!

(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)

Bird, for services to Bluestone 42, we would like to present you with this

hastily assembled piece of...

award!

(CHEERING)

To Bird! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

OK, raise a glass to me.

Cos I'm fucking brilliant and none of you lot should forget it.

And just so you don't...

I hereby announce that I will not be going to Bastion,

but instead remaining here as Corporal Bird.

(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)

Oh, and Colonel... you can tell Corporal Bishop

she's been spared a tour of duty with a bunch of sex pests.

Here's to me!

ALL: To Bird!

By the way, there's one more award, there's one more award.

This is the award for the lance corporal

most likely to forget to log out of his e-mail,

Simon Lansley.

There was a cancellation at Bumcredie Castle,

and your fiancee took it because you seemed so keen.

-What?!

-Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Brilliant!

(LAUGHTER)

Arsehole! Arsehole! Arsehole!

I got you...

these.

Pork scratchings.

Always knew you were the best padre ever.

They're not easy to come by in a strict Muslim country.

I'm now pledged in marriage to Faruq's oldest son.

Still...nice to be engaged again.

Thanks, Nick.

Sir, I need your help getting a picture back from Mac.

Before you go on, Corporal, take this folder back to my office.

Be extremely careful with that picture...

because it could fall off and be very easily replaced.

Sir.

Carry on.

Mac...

swap?

Brilliant!

Hm.

Ha-ha!

(GASPS)

-Ooh!

-BIRD: Go on, Mac.

Fiver on Millsy.

(CHEERING)

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd