Episode 1 Bluestone 42


Episode 1

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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language.

0:00:020:00:09

What the...?

0:00:100:00:12

OK, Towerblock, I haven't seen a device this clever since Iraq.

0:00:150:00:18

You ever had that warm fuzzy feeling that someone's trying to kill you?

0:00:180:00:22

Well, I've been to watch Leeds United away at Old Trafford, so...

0:00:220:00:26

yeah.

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Helpful(!)

0:00:270:00:28

Grab an evidence bag. We're taking this one home.

0:00:290:00:34

God, my balls are itchy.

0:00:420:00:44

I've got serious itchy balls.

0:00:460:00:48

Stop talking about your balls.

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Those balls are going to win him an award.

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By lunchtime I'll officially be the filthiest bastard on the base.

0:00:520:00:57

-The Jockstrap of Joy will be mines.

-Wee men.

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And Bluestone 42 can celebrate a big win for my balls.

0:01:000:01:04

-Do you not listen to a word I say?

-Not really, no.

0:01:040:01:07

Eh?

0:01:070:01:08

Roger that. Boss, car approaching from the south.

0:01:080:01:12

It's coming in quite fast.

0:01:150:01:17

-HORN TOOTS

-The ANA cordon will stop it.

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Unless they've wandered off to get stoned.

0:01:190:01:21

Who puts a bare-wire loop trigger inside the plastic?

0:01:220:01:26

-That's through the cordon. Boss!

-Boss!

0:01:280:01:30

Boss!

0:01:300:01:32

Oh, bloody hell, not now.

0:01:320:01:34

-He's not slowing down.

-Firing warning shots!

0:01:370:01:41

-Boss, take cover!

-Jesus.

0:01:410:01:44

Stop. Stop!

0:01:460:01:48

Get out! Get out of the car!

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-Get out of the car!

-HE SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE

0:01:520:01:54

Get out of the car. Put your hands in the air.

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-MAN SHOUTS

-Hands in the air! Faruq, tell him.

0:01:560:01:59

MAN SHOUTS

0:01:590:02:01

-He says he has no handbrake!

-What?!

0:02:010:02:03

No handbrake!

0:02:030:02:04

Everybody down!

0:02:090:02:11

Shit.

0:02:110:02:13

Oh, dear.

0:02:270:02:29

Good work, Simon.

0:02:300:02:32

Towerblock, THIS is what we call a bag of previously interesting shit.

0:03:030:03:09

Did you get anything useful?

0:03:110:03:12

A stark demonstration of why Simon will never get a job

0:03:120:03:15

as a lollipop man.

0:03:150:03:17

Bloody hell, you two. Pick up your kit and move your arses.

0:03:180:03:21

Good idea. No, wait. Can't move.

0:03:210:03:25

Handbrake.

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HE LAUGHS

0:03:270:03:30

HE MAKES SOUND OF EXPLOSION

0:03:300:03:33

If I was a full corporal, I wouldn't have to put up with this shit.

0:03:330:03:36

So an extra stripe on your rank slide will stop you

0:03:360:03:38

from being an ineffectual Essex twat?

0:03:380:03:40

Bloody hell, Bird.

0:03:400:03:42

Nick's clearly never going to recommend me for promotion.

0:03:420:03:46

No?

0:03:460:03:47

I should talk to the Colonel. Maybe he's spotted my potential.

0:03:470:03:51

I could ask him how he got so far in the Army.

0:03:510:03:54

-Ten years being done up the arse at boarding school.

-That's not true.

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It's five years of being done up the arse,

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five years of doing other people up the arse.

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And if that's not an education, I don't know what is.

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Maybe he enjoys his job. And works hard.

0:04:040:04:07

"Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work."

0:04:070:04:11

-Aristotle.

-You what?

0:04:110:04:13

Yes, I thought that would be lost on you.

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I read it. In a book.

0:04:160:04:20

Oh, they're like films, but quieter.

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They're written down.

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-Still using the old SIG Sauer, then?

-Yup. Nothing wrong with a SIG.

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Except it's not one of these.

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ALL EXCLAIM

0:04:380:04:40

OK, Towerblock, just to clarify it,

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are we suddenly playing "my gun's cooler than your gun"?

0:04:420:04:45

Fair play, boss. It's a Glock 17.

0:04:450:04:47

-Oh, you've failed the weapons handling test for it.

-What?

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-I haven't taken the test.

-Because you thought you'd fail it or...?

0:04:520:04:56

-Me, fail it?

-I failed it first time.

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Really?!

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Aw, did the little gun confuse your little Northern head?

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The curly bit's called the trigger.

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-All the best people pass second time.

-No, they don't.

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The best people pass first time because they are the best at it.

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Right, if you're up to the test, there's a skillies on base right now.

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-How do you know that?

-He's another Leeds boy.

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People's Republic of Yorkshire.

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You do an hour's training then take the test.

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I am not spending an hour staring at a pistol

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while your spotty Yorkshire friend points at it, like a knob.

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Wouldn't bother me. I'd wade through shit for a Glock.

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Course you would. Cos they're fucking mint.

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But you'd best do the training cos...

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-handling test ain't a walk in the park.

-Yes, it is!

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In fact, it's a walk in the park with a gun.

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I am an ammunition technical officer.

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I've had years of training with ammunition

0:05:450:05:48

and what are those things that fire it? Oh, yeah, guns!

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-I'm just saying, anyone can fail the test.

-I'm saying that you failed it.

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And I'm saying you could as well.

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And I'm saying that I wouldn't if I took it, which I won't. All right?

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Is it really a padre's job,

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giving out an award to the filthiest soldier on the base?

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Filthiest bastard on the base.

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It's a tradition started by the base's first padre

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and proudly continued by every padre since.

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Right... And I'm giving it to Mac for...?

0:06:220:06:26

Shagging twins.

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And their mum.

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On leave. On a Megabus.

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Oh, really! I...

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Gentleman, the time has come for the awarding of the award.

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As we all know, Biffa the chef has held it for the last four months.

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THEY WHOOP

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But who will the Padre award it to now?

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Mary.

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Right. By the power vested in me by Jesus...

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I hereby award the Jockstrap of Joy to...

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..Private Kevin McDowell.

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THEY WHOOP

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I accept this award on behalf of Bluestone 42.

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THEY WHOOP

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I am so proud! I think I'm going...

0:07:120:07:17

Mac, did those twins give you crabs?

0:07:170:07:20

-No.

-Pretty sure they did, mate.

-They definitely didn't.

0:07:200:07:24

If it isn't crabs, then it must be the Afghan tiger louse.

0:07:240:07:27

-What the fuck is that?

-Very much like your English louse but bigger.

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They burrow into the skin of your johnson and lay their eggs.

0:07:310:07:35

Very itchy.

0:07:350:07:37

-Shite!

-That's fucking mint.

0:07:370:07:39

He's making it up. Just go and see the medic.

0:07:390:07:41

My cousin had the Afghan tiger louse. Three days later he was dead.

0:07:410:07:45

-Fuck you!

-He trod on an IED while scratching his plums.

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Very dangerous creatures.

0:07:500:07:52

I understand your predicament, Lance Corporal.

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Let me tell you about a young second lieutenant I once knew rather well.

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-He was just like you.

-Oh.

-Taller, obviously.

-Right.

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Desperate for promotion. Overlooked.

0:08:050:08:08

Do you know what he did?

0:08:080:08:09

He read this. The Art Of War.

0:08:130:08:15

Chinese military theory. Heard of it?

0:08:150:08:17

No, sir. Sun T-zu...

0:08:170:08:20

-Sun Tzu.

-"Sooon Sooo..."

0:08:200:08:21

-Sun Tzu.

-Sun Tzu.

-Yes.

0:08:210:08:24

5th century BC.

0:08:240:08:25

There. "The way to avoid what is strong is to strike at what is weak."

0:08:270:08:32

-Oh.

-You see? Gold.

0:08:320:08:34

Anyway, this chap read it, and now he's a lieutenant colonel.

0:08:350:08:38

Ah.

0:08:390:08:42

-You're saying this book could change my life?

-Well, a girl can dream.

0:08:420:08:45

Hmm.

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Bone up on this and then report back and tell me what you've learned.

0:08:470:08:50

Thinking like an officer is the first step to promotion.

0:08:500:08:53

My ex used to say, "Dress for the job that you want."

0:08:530:08:56

Eh?

0:08:560:08:57

Hmm. Don't dress like an officer,

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or you'll get arrested by the RMPs, all right?

0:09:000:09:02

-Sir.

-Carry on.

0:09:020:09:03

Whoa.

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Speedy wee bastards.

0:09:110:09:12

-So how did I get crabs?

-The usual way?

0:09:120:09:15

Fucking?

0:09:150:09:17

Don't tell anyone.

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-But I didn't get any on leave.

-What?

0:09:190:09:22

-No twins? No mum? No Megabus?

-No, so it can't be crabs.

0:09:220:09:26

-It must be the Afghan tiger louse.

-There's no such thing.

0:09:260:09:29

Faruq's just trying to shift off some weedkiller.

0:09:290:09:31

You don't want that on your cheesy Wotsits.

0:09:310:09:34

You've got crabs.

0:09:340:09:36

-But how?

-Shared a towel recently? On leave?

0:09:360:09:40

Only with my da.

0:09:400:09:41

Oh, Jesus.

0:09:430:09:45

-Crabs from my own da?!

-Don't worry but...

0:09:470:09:50

at least you still keep the award.

0:09:500:09:52

-It doesn't count if you do something filthy by accident.

-What?

0:09:520:09:55

And it does count if you lie?

0:09:550:09:56

I only made up the twin story to impress Rocket.

0:09:560:09:58

But then he put me up for the award. I've let down Bluestone 42.

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I need to go and take a good, long look at myself.

0:10:020:10:06

Shampoo your pubes with this while you're at it.

0:10:060:10:09

Very good. And assemble.

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And present.

0:10:200:10:22

Congratulations, Corporal Bird. You've passed.

0:10:220:10:25

We should go down to the firing range.

0:10:250:10:26

Got time to whip through a quick test.

0:10:260:10:28

-Thought I might try out the old Glock.

-Towerblock got to you, then?

0:10:280:10:31

-Come on, Bird, you know me better than that.

-Yeah, I do.

0:10:310:10:34

Which is why I said, "Towerblock got to you, then."

0:10:340:10:36

Nice, eh? Who knew Austria could produce such a cool weapon?

0:10:360:10:39

I thought they were only good for schnitzel and child abuse.

0:10:390:10:42

-Oh, that's a bit...

-What?

0:10:420:10:45

So, the test?

0:10:450:10:47

Well, you've missed the training,

0:10:470:10:49

so I can't really let you do the test, but...

0:10:490:10:52

you seem to know what you're doing.

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Seem to, and do.

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So...shall we?

0:10:570:11:00

So, take the weapon, and make it safe.

0:11:000:11:04

This shouldn't take too long.

0:11:040:11:06

Captain Medhurst, you've made it ready...not made it safe.

0:11:100:11:13

Shit, yeah, sorry.

0:11:130:11:15

So you've failed the test. Corporal Bird, we need to go to the range.

0:11:150:11:19

OK, so...made it safe, so next is load, fire.

0:11:190:11:23

See, I can do this with my eyes shut.

0:11:230:11:25

That won't be necessary, sir. Or safe.

0:11:250:11:28

Anyone can see that I am perfectly capable of... Ow!

0:11:280:11:31

-BANG

-Ooh.

0:11:310:11:34

-Shall we go to the firing range to try it out?

-Uh-huh.

0:11:380:11:41

-So the enemy is here and you're here. What do you do?

-Attack here?

0:11:430:11:47

No, retreat. There are roads which must not be followed,

0:11:470:11:52

armies which must not be attacked.

0:11:520:11:54

So, retreat, but then attack here?

0:11:540:11:58

No, retreat again.

0:11:580:12:00

The battle is fought not in the field, but in the mind.

0:12:000:12:07

Well, I'm fucked, then.

0:12:070:12:09

-All right, Bird.

-Yep. Got the new Glock 9mm.

0:12:090:12:13

-She is a beauty.

-This must be how it feels to have a hard-on.

0:12:130:12:17

-HE LAUGHS

-9mm!

0:12:170:12:20

That's a tiny hard-on.

0:12:200:12:22

Guns are not the way to win a war.

0:12:220:12:25

Right, you must mention that to the enemy.

0:12:250:12:27

Victorious warriors win first, and then go to battle.

0:12:270:12:32

Don't lose my place, please.

0:12:320:12:34

-Oh.

-Oh.

0:12:340:12:36

-Sun T-zu.

-"Soon soo."

0:12:360:12:39

It's... You haven't heard of it?

0:12:390:12:41

Oh, what, so you read this and then you magically...

0:12:410:12:45

make corporal?

0:12:450:12:46

It's a classic about war strategy, not your kind of thing...

0:12:460:12:49

..Bird.

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Oh, what, cos Bird can't read a book that doesn't have pictures in it?

0:12:520:12:55

I'm not sure that your mind is receptive to that kind of thing.

0:12:550:12:59

-Oh-ho-ho!

-Now we can both read it.

0:13:040:13:06

Oh, how did my unreceptive mind think of that(?) Amazing.

0:13:060:13:10

That book belongs to the Colonel.

0:13:100:13:13

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

0:13:170:13:19

Well, it got trashed on your watch, so...

0:13:210:13:24

you've got some explaining to do.

0:13:240:13:26

Do... She's just messing with my head.

0:13:270:13:31

-Bird is the enemy.

-What about the Taliban?

0:13:330:13:36

The Taliban didn't call me an ineffectual Essex twat.

0:13:360:13:38

-How do you know that?

-The Colonel wants me to defeat Bird.

0:13:380:13:41

-SHOUTS:

-That is how I impress him!

0:13:410:13:43

I think he's just going to be pissed off about his book.

0:13:430:13:47

Mac, really, at mealtimes... That does smell.

0:13:500:13:53

Yeah, the smell of victory.

0:13:530:13:55

After Victory has slept all night in his own piss.

0:13:550:13:57

Come on, Padre, he won it for Bluestone 42

0:13:570:13:59

and we're proud of our filthy little bastard.

0:13:590:14:02

Proud? No. We're appalled.

0:14:020:14:04

Oi, Mac. You know those crabs?

0:14:040:14:08

You need to call your dad and get his crabs seen to as well.

0:14:080:14:11

Thanks a bunch! What happened to doctor-patient confidentially?

0:14:110:14:15

I'm not a doctor.

0:14:150:14:17

Mac, did you...

0:14:170:14:20

get crabs off your dad?

0:14:200:14:22

-That is fucked up.

-We shared a towel, all right?

0:14:220:14:25

You said there was no way you could have crabs,

0:14:250:14:28

so how would you know that, unless...

0:14:280:14:29

You never shagged those twins.

0:14:290:14:31

Or their mum!

0:14:310:14:33

All right, Miss Marple, I didn't get laid on leave, OK?

0:14:330:14:37

You lied to me? Why, Mac? Why?

0:14:370:14:42

How the mighty have fallen.

0:14:420:14:44

Wait, so I am the only one here who has actually slept with twins?

0:14:440:14:48

I haven't.

0:14:480:14:49

Well, not at the same time.

0:14:490:14:51

-Padre.

-Yeah, Padre, it's only fair.

0:14:510:14:54

You've got to award it back to Biffa.

0:14:540:14:57

Oh, all right.

0:14:570:14:59

Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby give this horrible award back to Biffa.

0:14:590:15:04

Cheers, Padre. Filthiest bastard on the base, eh? Come 'ead.

0:15:080:15:12

I will regain the Jockstrap for Bluestone 42. I swear it!

0:15:120:15:15

-Don't feel obliged.

-So, boss, did you get that Glock?

0:15:150:15:18

No, I'm going to keep the Sig. It was an Austrian pistol, anyway, right?

0:15:180:15:21

-Tell me one good thing that's ever come out of Austria.

-Mozart.

0:15:210:15:24

-Schwarzenegger.

-Smoked cheese.

0:15:240:15:26

-Hitler.

-I rest my case.

0:15:260:15:28

IKEA.

0:15:280:15:30

-So you didn't want a Glock?

-Nah.

0:15:310:15:35

-Is that why you took the test and failed it?

-Seriously?

-Classic!

0:15:350:15:40

Thanks, Bird.

0:15:400:15:42

Skillies told me. It's a Leeds thing. He scratches my back,

0:15:420:15:45

I finger his sister.

0:15:450:15:47

-You should have done the training, boss.

-Lesson one.

0:15:470:15:50

"The curly bit is the trigger."

0:15:500:15:52

Yes, all right, thank you, everyone. Can we just drop it?

0:15:520:15:54

-What, like you did in the test?

-LAUGHTER

0:15:540:15:58

Corporal Bird. Don't get up.

0:16:100:16:13

Ploughing through Sun Tzu?

0:16:130:16:15

Er, yes, sir.

0:16:150:16:18

Important book... my grandfather used to say.

0:16:180:16:21

-He gave me his copy.

-Oh.

0:16:220:16:25

Had it in his pocket on D-day, of course.

0:16:250:16:28

One of the first on Sword Beach.

0:16:290:16:30

Immense sentimental value.

0:16:320:16:34

-SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-Hmm.

0:16:340:16:37

Anyway, when you've finished with it...

0:16:370:16:40

Carry on.

0:16:400:16:41

Shit. Shitting...shitty...shit.

0:16:430:16:48

-Oi! Did you just hear that?

-No, I've literally just arrived.

0:16:480:16:52

This belonged to the Colonel's grandfather.

0:16:520:16:55

He had it on fucking D-day.

0:16:550:16:57

Oh, I don't believe you.

0:16:570:16:59

All warfare is based on deception.

0:16:590:17:01

Shut the fuck up, Simon! We need to fix it or replace it

0:17:010:17:04

or the Colonel is going to kick us where the Sun Tzu don't fucking shine!

0:17:040:17:07

Retreat from thy enemy so that he...or she...

0:17:100:17:15

may make the first mistake.

0:17:150:17:17

You borrowed it.

0:17:190:17:21

Your problem.

0:17:220:17:23

Fuck!

0:17:350:17:36

So...

0:17:380:17:39

Sun Tzu!

0:17:390:17:41

-Morning, Lamming.

-Morning, sir.

0:17:460:17:49

So, have you got time for a quick test at all today?

0:17:490:17:55

-Er, you need to do the training first.

-OK, look...

0:17:550:17:58

Sorry, my grandad died of lung cancer last year,

0:18:030:18:06

so, if you don't mind, I'll just...

0:18:060:18:09

We both know that's not allowed in theatre, sir.

0:18:190:18:21

-I'm lactose intolerant.

-Of course you are!

0:18:300:18:33

Have you seen Corporal Bird? She wanted a new copy of Sun Tzu.

0:18:360:18:41

She does? But...

0:18:410:18:42

I have various editions.

0:18:420:18:44

Oh, she does.

0:18:440:18:47

Clever girl. I'll take all of them.

0:18:470:18:49

All of them? OK.

0:18:490:18:52

Bird offered me 50.

0:18:520:18:54

-I'll give you 100.

-Really? Blimey.

0:18:560:18:59

I strike and my enemy is now weak.

0:18:590:19:02

Now I have all of your copies,

0:19:020:19:04

she will have to give the Colonel his old one.

0:19:040:19:06

And my victory will be complete.

0:19:060:19:10

Eureka!

0:19:110:19:13

Rocket!

0:19:130:19:14

Rocket!

0:19:140:19:15

-I've got it! I've got it!

-We know!

0:19:170:19:20

We want you to get rid of it!

0:19:200:19:21

It's been staring me in the face.

0:19:210:19:23

I know how to get the award back.

0:19:230:19:26

I'm a genius. I'm a genius!

0:19:260:19:29

I'm a genius!

0:19:290:19:31

Carry on.

0:19:320:19:34

Hmm.

0:19:340:19:35

Rocket!

0:19:350:19:36

Oh, shitting hell. Shitting, shitey...!

0:19:530:19:56

Balls!

0:19:560:19:58

Bollocks.

0:20:000:20:01

There's something not right about this.

0:20:010:20:03

-Do you want me to get that award back for Bluestone?

-Yeah. But...

0:20:030:20:06

Then stop being such a baby.

0:20:060:20:08

Not you as well. What have you been doing?

0:20:160:20:19

BOTH: Nothing.

0:20:190:20:21

Rocket...

0:20:210:20:22

It's the blast pants.

0:20:230:20:25

You have been busy, haven't you?

0:20:460:20:49

GUNSHOTS Shit! Cordon breach!

0:20:510:20:55

Again!

0:20:550:20:56

Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42. Contact.

0:20:560:20:59

We are engaging. Wait out.

0:20:590:21:01

Thank fuck for that.

0:21:120:21:14

-Are you OK, boss?

-Yeah. Thanks, Simon.

0:21:140:21:18

-Never knew you cared.

-We all clear?

0:21:180:21:21

'Yeah, think so, boss.'

0:21:210:21:22

'OK, this cordon's looser than Rocket's mum. We need to work fast.

0:21:260:21:30

'Towerblock, get the hook and line ready.

0:21:300:21:32

'I want this one out intact.'

0:21:320:21:33

Er, boss, given the situation,

0:21:330:21:36

don't you think we should just blow this and get out of here?

0:21:360:21:39

-What situation would that be?

-The contact, the cordon. I just mean...

0:21:390:21:43

Your safety, like.

0:21:450:21:46

My safety depends on catching this bomber before he turns me

0:21:460:21:49

into a new fragrance called Medhurst Mist,

0:21:490:21:50

and that depends on getting those forensics back home.

0:21:500:21:53

So let's make a deal.

0:21:530:21:54

-You get my kit and I'll do the dangerous bit, OK?

-Boss.

0:21:540:21:59

Here are some replacement copies for the valuable one that Bird ruined.

0:22:040:22:08

I'm sure she's incredibly sorry,

0:22:110:22:13

even though she's not here in person to apologise.

0:22:130:22:15

Ah, Corporal Bird, come in.

0:22:150:22:17

Sir, I'm really sorry...

0:22:170:22:20

-I take full responsibility.

-Oh.

0:22:200:22:23

-These things happen. We are in a war zone.

-What?!

0:22:240:22:26

But, sir, I thought that copy belonged to your grandfather.

0:22:260:22:30

You don't think I'd lend a priceless tome like that to clowns like you?

0:22:300:22:33

No, I got that one off Faruq.

0:22:330:22:36

Always good to have some copies knocking about

0:22:360:22:38

to keep ambitious lance corporals quiet for a few days.

0:22:380:22:41

What? So, sir, reading the book won't help me to become a corporal?

0:22:410:22:45

Well, let's see, shall we?

0:22:450:22:47

-It seems like you two have had quite the battle.

-No.

-Not really.

-Who won?

0:22:470:22:50

-Me.

-Me.

-No.

-No, I...

0:22:500:22:52

You both lost. The only winner...was...

0:22:520:22:56

-The Taliban.

-No. Faruq.

0:22:570:23:00

Wherever there is war, there will be treasure for the unscrupulous.

0:23:000:23:03

Is that Sun Tzu, sir?

0:23:030:23:05

No idea. Just made it up. That shit writes itself.

0:23:050:23:08

-Sir, have you actually read Sun Tzu?

-No, of course not.

0:23:080:23:10

The copy my grandfather had was in Chinese or something.

0:23:100:23:14

Baffling.

0:23:140:23:15

-But you said you read it when you were a second lieutenant.

-No.

0:23:150:23:18

That was a friend of mine who is now a lieutenant colonel,

0:23:180:23:21

exactly as I said. Pay attention.

0:23:210:23:23

Carry on.

0:23:230:23:24

Right, two devices.

0:23:270:23:28

One blown in situ.

0:23:280:23:30

The other, pulled out of the ground intact.

0:23:300:23:34

-I wonder if you can tell which is which?

-Fair play, boss.

0:23:340:23:37

Both have the same wire, both horribly clever.

0:23:370:23:41

I reckon we've got someone new to the area. GS0H. Likes...

0:23:410:23:45

..making complicated bombs.

0:23:460:23:48

Dislikes...

0:23:480:23:50

ATOs like me.

0:23:500:23:53

-We need to get these off to Weapons Intelligence.

-Yeah, if you would.

0:23:530:23:56

Sure. And, sir?

0:23:560:23:58

I'm sorry for suggesting we blow that in situ.

0:23:580:24:01

-I wasn't thinking clearly.

-That's fine.

0:24:010:24:04

Anyway, and to make up for it...

0:24:040:24:06

da-da-da-diddle-da-diddle-da-da!

0:24:060:24:08

Huh?

0:24:080:24:10

-What this?

-It's a Glock.

0:24:110:24:13

Skillies weren't keen but I gave him a hand job behind the cookhouse.

0:24:130:24:17

I'm only kidding. And we just cuddled.

0:24:170:24:20

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why did you get it?

0:24:200:24:22

Cos you couldn't get one yourself.

0:24:230:24:26

No, I could get one myself. I failed the test on a technicality.

0:24:260:24:30

Technically, you dropped it on the floor.

0:24:300:24:33

I am perfectly capable of passing this test!

0:24:330:24:35

Well, if you say you can pass the test, boss, I believe you.

0:24:350:24:38

I have no doubt you can do it with your eyes shut.

0:24:380:24:40

Oh, for the love of fuck, right, you come with me.

0:24:400:24:42

Clear. And now five-round grouping.

0:24:550:24:58

Maybe lose the blindfold, yeah?

0:25:000:25:01

APPLAUSE

0:25:100:25:12

-Happy now?

-I never doubted you, boss.

-Very impressive, sir.

0:25:120:25:16

After that showing, I'm happy for you to pass.

0:25:160:25:18

-You can hang onto the Glock.

-You're all right. The SIG's way better.

0:25:180:25:22

Two-stage trigger, smaller recoil. Better build quality.

0:25:220:25:26

Couldn't agree more. Got to love the SIG.

0:25:260:25:29

Just feels right in your hand, doesn't it? May I?

0:25:290:25:33

Carry on.

0:25:460:25:47

-SHOUTING

-What was that?

0:25:480:25:50

Ow!

0:25:530:25:55

SHOUTING

0:25:570:25:58

Who's betting? Hey, hey, you.

0:26:000:26:02

-What is this?

-Crab racing.

-You're racing your genital lice?

0:26:020:26:07

-Awesome!

-And Rocket's.

0:26:070:26:09

-He's been breeding some real thoroughbreds.

-My God.

0:26:090:26:11

Every day you find new ways to disgust me.

0:26:110:26:14

-Give me five bucks on Crab Stick.

-Ten on Seabiscuit.

0:26:140:26:16

I'll have five on Desert Itch.

0:26:160:26:18

Ladies and gentlemen, the third race of the evening,

0:26:180:26:22

the Pubic Stakes!

0:26:220:26:23

ALL WHOOP

0:26:230:26:26

Ready?

0:26:270:26:28

And...they're off!

0:26:280:26:30

And it's Crab Stick in the lead.

0:26:310:26:33

Followed by Seabiscuit, Desert Itch and Red Rub!

0:26:330:26:37

And Desert Itch is gaining!

0:26:370:26:39

And Red Rub has turned round and is heading back to the starting line!

0:26:390:26:43

And Seabiscuit is eating Red Rub!

0:26:430:26:45

Desert Itch is putting on a spurt!

0:26:450:26:47

But it's Crab Stick!

0:26:470:26:48

And Crab Stick has taken the Pubic Stakes!

0:26:480:26:53

THEY CHEER

0:26:530:26:54

Everybody, before the next race, as the ranking officer here...

0:26:540:26:57

-That's me, actually.

-Shh.

0:26:570:26:59

..I call upon the Padre to re-award the Jockstrap of Joy.

0:26:590:27:04

-I would be delighted.

-SHE CLEARS THROAT

0:27:040:27:07

Private McDowell, your antics have made me feel physically sick.

0:27:070:27:11

You are indeed one filthy bastard.

0:27:110:27:14

Yes!

0:27:140:27:15

However, it's one thing to catch crabs,

0:27:150:27:18

it's quite another to voluntarily stable them in your blast pants.

0:27:180:27:22

I hereby award the Jockstrap of Joy

0:27:220:27:25

to Rocket.

0:27:250:27:26

-Oh, good!

-CHEERING

0:27:260:27:28

Aye, fair enough, fair enough.

0:27:280:27:31

Stop all this at once!

0:27:310:27:33

What's the first rule?

0:27:330:27:35

Don't race crabs!

0:27:350:27:37

I am shocked, SHOCKED, to find that crab racing is going on in here!

0:27:370:27:41

-You're winning, sir.

-Oh, thank you very much.

0:27:410:27:43

Mac, Rocket, clean this up.

0:27:450:27:47

Faruq, you have done me proud.

0:27:480:27:50

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

0:27:500:27:54

Yes, all right, don't push it.

0:27:540:27:56

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