Browse content similar to Episode 1. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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This programme contains strong language. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:09 | |
What the...? | 0:00:10 | 0:00:12 | |
OK, Towerblock, I haven't seen a device this clever since Iraq. | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
You ever had that warm fuzzy feeling that someone's trying to kill you? | 0:00:18 | 0:00:22 | |
Well, I've been to watch Leeds United away at Old Trafford, so... | 0:00:22 | 0:00:26 | |
yeah. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:27 | |
Helpful(!) | 0:00:27 | 0:00:28 | |
Grab an evidence bag. We're taking this one home. | 0:00:29 | 0:00:34 | |
God, my balls are itchy. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
I've got serious itchy balls. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
Stop talking about your balls. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
Those balls are going to win him an award. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
By lunchtime I'll officially be the filthiest bastard on the base. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:57 | |
-The Jockstrap of Joy will be mines. -Wee men. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
And Bluestone 42 can celebrate a big win for my balls. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
-Do you not listen to a word I say? -Not really, no. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
Eh? | 0:01:07 | 0:01:08 | |
Roger that. Boss, car approaching from the south. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:12 | |
It's coming in quite fast. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
-HORN TOOTS -The ANA cordon will stop it. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
Unless they've wandered off to get stoned. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
Who puts a bare-wire loop trigger inside the plastic? | 0:01:22 | 0:01:26 | |
-That's through the cordon. Boss! -Boss! | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
Boss! | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
Oh, bloody hell, not now. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
-He's not slowing down. -Firing warning shots! | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
-Boss, take cover! -Jesus. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
Stop. Stop! | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
Get out! Get out of the car! | 0:01:48 | 0:01:52 | |
-Get out of the car! -HE SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
Get out of the car. Put your hands in the air. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
-MAN SHOUTS -Hands in the air! Faruq, tell him. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
MAN SHOUTS | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
-He says he has no handbrake! -What?! | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
No handbrake! | 0:02:03 | 0:02:04 | |
Everybody down! | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
Shit. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
Oh, dear. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
Good work, Simon. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
Towerblock, THIS is what we call a bag of previously interesting shit. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:09 | |
Did you get anything useful? | 0:03:11 | 0:03:12 | |
A stark demonstration of why Simon will never get a job | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
as a lollipop man. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
Bloody hell, you two. Pick up your kit and move your arses. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
Good idea. No, wait. Can't move. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:25 | |
Handbrake. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:26 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
HE MAKES SOUND OF EXPLOSION | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
If I was a full corporal, I wouldn't have to put up with this shit. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
So an extra stripe on your rank slide will stop you | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
from being an ineffectual Essex twat? | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
Bloody hell, Bird. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Nick's clearly never going to recommend me for promotion. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:46 | |
No? | 0:03:46 | 0:03:47 | |
I should talk to the Colonel. Maybe he's spotted my potential. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:51 | |
I could ask him how he got so far in the Army. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
-Ten years being done up the arse at boarding school. -That's not true. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
It's five years of being done up the arse, | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
five years of doing other people up the arse. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
And if that's not an education, I don't know what is. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
Maybe he enjoys his job. And works hard. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
"Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work." | 0:04:07 | 0:04:11 | |
-Aristotle. -You what? | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
Yes, I thought that would be lost on you. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
I read it. In a book. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:20 | |
Oh, they're like films, but quieter. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:24 | |
They're written down. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
-Still using the old SIG Sauer, then? -Yup. Nothing wrong with a SIG. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:34 | |
Except it's not one of these. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:38 | |
ALL EXCLAIM | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
OK, Towerblock, just to clarify it, | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
are we suddenly playing "my gun's cooler than your gun"? | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
Fair play, boss. It's a Glock 17. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
-Oh, you've failed the weapons handling test for it. -What? | 0:04:47 | 0:04:52 | |
-I haven't taken the test. -Because you thought you'd fail it or...? | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
-Me, fail it? -I failed it first time. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
Really?! | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
Aw, did the little gun confuse your little Northern head? | 0:05:00 | 0:05:04 | |
The curly bit's called the trigger. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
-All the best people pass second time. -No, they don't. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:10 | |
The best people pass first time because they are the best at it. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:14 | |
Right, if you're up to the test, there's a skillies on base right now. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
-How do you know that? -He's another Leeds boy. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
People's Republic of Yorkshire. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:21 | |
You do an hour's training then take the test. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
I am not spending an hour staring at a pistol | 0:05:23 | 0:05:27 | |
while your spotty Yorkshire friend points at it, like a knob. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:31 | |
Wouldn't bother me. I'd wade through shit for a Glock. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
Course you would. Cos they're fucking mint. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
But you'd best do the training cos... | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
-handling test ain't a walk in the park. -Yes, it is! | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
In fact, it's a walk in the park with a gun. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
I am an ammunition technical officer. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
I've had years of training with ammunition | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
and what are those things that fire it? Oh, yeah, guns! | 0:05:48 | 0:05:52 | |
-I'm just saying, anyone can fail the test. -I'm saying that you failed it. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:56 | |
And I'm saying you could as well. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
And I'm saying that I wouldn't if I took it, which I won't. All right? | 0:05:58 | 0:06:01 | |
Is it really a padre's job, | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
giving out an award to the filthiest soldier on the base? | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
Filthiest bastard on the base. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
It's a tradition started by the base's first padre | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
and proudly continued by every padre since. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
Right... And I'm giving it to Mac for...? | 0:06:22 | 0:06:26 | |
Shagging twins. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:27 | |
And their mum. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
On leave. On a Megabus. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
Oh, really! I... | 0:06:31 | 0:06:32 | |
Gentleman, the time has come for the awarding of the award. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:35 | |
As we all know, Biffa the chef has held it for the last four months. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:39 | |
THEY WHOOP | 0:06:39 | 0:06:40 | |
But who will the Padre award it to now? | 0:06:40 | 0:06:44 | |
Mary. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
Right. By the power vested in me by Jesus... | 0:06:46 | 0:06:51 | |
I hereby award the Jockstrap of Joy to... | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
..Private Kevin McDowell. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
THEY WHOOP | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
I accept this award on behalf of Bluestone 42. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:10 | |
THEY WHOOP | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
I am so proud! I think I'm going... | 0:07:12 | 0:07:17 | |
Mac, did those twins give you crabs? | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
-No. -Pretty sure they did, mate. -They definitely didn't. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:24 | |
If it isn't crabs, then it must be the Afghan tiger louse. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
-What the fuck is that? -Very much like your English louse but bigger. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:31 | |
They burrow into the skin of your johnson and lay their eggs. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:35 | |
Very itchy. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
-Shite! -That's fucking mint. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
He's making it up. Just go and see the medic. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
My cousin had the Afghan tiger louse. Three days later he was dead. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:45 | |
-Fuck you! -He trod on an IED while scratching his plums. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:49 | |
Very dangerous creatures. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
I understand your predicament, Lance Corporal. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
Let me tell you about a young second lieutenant I once knew rather well. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:02 | |
-He was just like you. -Oh. -Taller, obviously. -Right. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
Desperate for promotion. Overlooked. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
Do you know what he did? | 0:08:08 | 0:08:09 | |
He read this. The Art Of War. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Chinese military theory. Heard of it? | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
No, sir. Sun T-zu... | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
-Sun Tzu. -"Sooon Sooo..." | 0:08:20 | 0:08:21 | |
-Sun Tzu. -Sun Tzu. -Yes. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:24 | |
5th century BC. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:25 | |
There. "The way to avoid what is strong is to strike at what is weak." | 0:08:27 | 0:08:32 | |
-Oh. -You see? Gold. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
Anyway, this chap read it, and now he's a lieutenant colonel. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
Ah. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
-You're saying this book could change my life? -Well, a girl can dream. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
Hmm. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:46 | |
Bone up on this and then report back and tell me what you've learned. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
Thinking like an officer is the first step to promotion. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
My ex used to say, "Dress for the job that you want." | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
Eh? | 0:08:56 | 0:08:57 | |
Hmm. Don't dress like an officer, | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
or you'll get arrested by the RMPs, all right? | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
-Sir. -Carry on. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:03 | |
Whoa. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:10 | |
Speedy wee bastards. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:12 | |
-So how did I get crabs? -The usual way? | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
Fucking? | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
Don't tell anyone. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
-But I didn't get any on leave. -What? | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
-No twins? No mum? No Megabus? -No, so it can't be crabs. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:26 | |
-It must be the Afghan tiger louse. -There's no such thing. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
Faruq's just trying to shift off some weedkiller. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
You don't want that on your cheesy Wotsits. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
You've got crabs. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
-But how? -Shared a towel recently? On leave? | 0:09:36 | 0:09:40 | |
Only with my da. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:41 | |
Oh, Jesus. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
-Crabs from my own da?! -Don't worry but... | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
at least you still keep the award. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
-It doesn't count if you do something filthy by accident. -What? | 0:09:52 | 0:09:55 | |
And it does count if you lie? | 0:09:55 | 0:09:56 | |
I only made up the twin story to impress Rocket. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
But then he put me up for the award. I've let down Bluestone 42. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:02 | |
I need to go and take a good, long look at myself. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:06 | |
Shampoo your pubes with this while you're at it. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
Very good. And assemble. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
And present. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
Congratulations, Corporal Bird. You've passed. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
We should go down to the firing range. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:26 | |
Got time to whip through a quick test. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
-Thought I might try out the old Glock. -Towerblock got to you, then? | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
-Come on, Bird, you know me better than that. -Yeah, I do. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
Which is why I said, "Towerblock got to you, then." | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
Nice, eh? Who knew Austria could produce such a cool weapon? | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
I thought they were only good for schnitzel and child abuse. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:42 | |
-Oh, that's a bit... -What? | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
So, the test? | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
Well, you've missed the training, | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
so I can't really let you do the test, but... | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
you seem to know what you're doing. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
Seem to, and do. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
So...shall we? | 0:10:57 | 0:11:00 | |
So, take the weapon, and make it safe. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:04 | |
This shouldn't take too long. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
Captain Medhurst, you've made it ready...not made it safe. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
Shit, yeah, sorry. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
So you've failed the test. Corporal Bird, we need to go to the range. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:19 | |
OK, so...made it safe, so next is load, fire. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:23 | |
See, I can do this with my eyes shut. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:25 | |
That won't be necessary, sir. Or safe. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
Anyone can see that I am perfectly capable of... Ow! | 0:11:28 | 0:11:31 | |
-BANG -Ooh. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
-Shall we go to the firing range to try it out? -Uh-huh. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
-So the enemy is here and you're here. What do you do? -Attack here? | 0:11:43 | 0:11:47 | |
No, retreat. There are roads which must not be followed, | 0:11:47 | 0:11:52 | |
armies which must not be attacked. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
So, retreat, but then attack here? | 0:11:54 | 0:11:58 | |
No, retreat again. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
The battle is fought not in the field, but in the mind. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:07 | |
Well, I'm fucked, then. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:09 | |
-All right, Bird. -Yep. Got the new Glock 9mm. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:13 | |
-She is a beauty. -This must be how it feels to have a hard-on. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:17 | |
-HE LAUGHS -9mm! | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
That's a tiny hard-on. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
Guns are not the way to win a war. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:25 | |
Right, you must mention that to the enemy. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
Victorious warriors win first, and then go to battle. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:32 | |
Don't lose my place, please. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
-Oh. -Oh. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
-Sun T-zu. -"Soon soo." | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
It's... You haven't heard of it? | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
Oh, what, so you read this and then you magically... | 0:12:41 | 0:12:45 | |
make corporal? | 0:12:45 | 0:12:46 | |
It's a classic about war strategy, not your kind of thing... | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
..Bird. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
Oh, what, cos Bird can't read a book that doesn't have pictures in it? | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
I'm not sure that your mind is receptive to that kind of thing. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:59 | |
-Oh-ho-ho! -Now we can both read it. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
Oh, how did my unreceptive mind think of that(?) Amazing. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
That book belongs to the Colonel. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
-Yeah? -Yeah. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
Well, it got trashed on your watch, so... | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
you've got some explaining to do. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
Do... She's just messing with my head. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:31 | |
-Bird is the enemy. -What about the Taliban? | 0:13:33 | 0:13:36 | |
The Taliban didn't call me an ineffectual Essex twat. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
-How do you know that? -The Colonel wants me to defeat Bird. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
-SHOUTS: -That is how I impress him! | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
I think he's just going to be pissed off about his book. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:47 | |
Mac, really, at mealtimes... That does smell. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
Yeah, the smell of victory. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
After Victory has slept all night in his own piss. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
Come on, Padre, he won it for Bluestone 42 | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
and we're proud of our filthy little bastard. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
Proud? No. We're appalled. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
Oi, Mac. You know those crabs? | 0:14:04 | 0:14:08 | |
You need to call your dad and get his crabs seen to as well. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:11 | |
Thanks a bunch! What happened to doctor-patient confidentially? | 0:14:11 | 0:14:15 | |
I'm not a doctor. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
Mac, did you... | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
get crabs off your dad? | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
-That is fucked up. -We shared a towel, all right? | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
You said there was no way you could have crabs, | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
so how would you know that, unless... | 0:14:28 | 0:14:29 | |
You never shagged those twins. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
Or their mum! | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
All right, Miss Marple, I didn't get laid on leave, OK? | 0:14:33 | 0:14:37 | |
You lied to me? Why, Mac? Why? | 0:14:37 | 0:14:42 | |
How the mighty have fallen. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
Wait, so I am the only one here who has actually slept with twins? | 0:14:44 | 0:14:48 | |
I haven't. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:49 | |
Well, not at the same time. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:51 | |
-Padre. -Yeah, Padre, it's only fair. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:54 | |
You've got to award it back to Biffa. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
Oh, all right. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby give this horrible award back to Biffa. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:04 | |
Cheers, Padre. Filthiest bastard on the base, eh? Come 'ead. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:12 | |
I will regain the Jockstrap for Bluestone 42. I swear it! | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
-Don't feel obliged. -So, boss, did you get that Glock? | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
No, I'm going to keep the Sig. It was an Austrian pistol, anyway, right? | 0:15:18 | 0:15:21 | |
-Tell me one good thing that's ever come out of Austria. -Mozart. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
-Schwarzenegger. -Smoked cheese. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
-Hitler. -I rest my case. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
IKEA. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
-So you didn't want a Glock? -Nah. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
-Is that why you took the test and failed it? -Seriously? -Classic! | 0:15:35 | 0:15:40 | |
Thanks, Bird. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
Skillies told me. It's a Leeds thing. He scratches my back, | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
I finger his sister. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
-You should have done the training, boss. -Lesson one. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
"The curly bit is the trigger." | 0:15:50 | 0:15:52 | |
Yes, all right, thank you, everyone. Can we just drop it? | 0:15:52 | 0:15:54 | |
-What, like you did in the test? -LAUGHTER | 0:15:54 | 0:15:58 | |
Corporal Bird. Don't get up. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
Ploughing through Sun Tzu? | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
Er, yes, sir. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
Important book... my grandfather used to say. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
-He gave me his copy. -Oh. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
Had it in his pocket on D-day, of course. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
One of the first on Sword Beach. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:30 | |
Immense sentimental value. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
-SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY -Hmm. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:37 | |
Anyway, when you've finished with it... | 0:16:37 | 0:16:40 | |
Carry on. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:41 | |
Shit. Shitting...shitty...shit. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:48 | |
-Oi! Did you just hear that? -No, I've literally just arrived. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:52 | |
This belonged to the Colonel's grandfather. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
He had it on fucking D-day. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
Oh, I don't believe you. | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
All warfare is based on deception. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
Shut the fuck up, Simon! We need to fix it or replace it | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
or the Colonel is going to kick us where the Sun Tzu don't fucking shine! | 0:17:04 | 0:17:07 | |
Retreat from thy enemy so that he...or she... | 0:17:10 | 0:17:15 | |
may make the first mistake. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
You borrowed it. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
Your problem. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:23 | |
Fuck! | 0:17:35 | 0:17:36 | |
So... | 0:17:38 | 0:17:39 | |
Sun Tzu! | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
-Morning, Lamming. -Morning, sir. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
So, have you got time for a quick test at all today? | 0:17:49 | 0:17:55 | |
-Er, you need to do the training first. -OK, look... | 0:17:55 | 0:17:58 | |
Sorry, my grandad died of lung cancer last year, | 0:18:03 | 0:18:06 | |
so, if you don't mind, I'll just... | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
We both know that's not allowed in theatre, sir. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
-I'm lactose intolerant. -Of course you are! | 0:18:30 | 0:18:33 | |
Have you seen Corporal Bird? She wanted a new copy of Sun Tzu. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:41 | |
She does? But... | 0:18:41 | 0:18:42 | |
I have various editions. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
Oh, she does. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
Clever girl. I'll take all of them. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
All of them? OK. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:52 | |
Bird offered me 50. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
-I'll give you 100. -Really? Blimey. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
I strike and my enemy is now weak. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:02 | |
Now I have all of your copies, | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
she will have to give the Colonel his old one. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
And my victory will be complete. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:10 | |
Eureka! | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
Rocket! | 0:19:13 | 0:19:14 | |
Rocket! | 0:19:14 | 0:19:15 | |
-I've got it! I've got it! -We know! | 0:19:17 | 0:19:20 | |
We want you to get rid of it! | 0:19:20 | 0:19:21 | |
It's been staring me in the face. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
I know how to get the award back. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
I'm a genius. I'm a genius! | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
I'm a genius! | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
Carry on. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
Hmm. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:35 | |
Rocket! | 0:19:35 | 0:19:36 | |
Oh, shitting hell. Shitting, shitey...! | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
Balls! | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
Bollocks. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:01 | |
There's something not right about this. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
-Do you want me to get that award back for Bluestone? -Yeah. But... | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
Then stop being such a baby. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
Not you as well. What have you been doing? | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
BOTH: Nothing. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
Rocket... | 0:20:21 | 0:20:22 | |
It's the blast pants. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
You have been busy, haven't you? | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
GUNSHOTS Shit! Cordon breach! | 0:20:51 | 0:20:55 | |
Again! | 0:20:55 | 0:20:56 | |
Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42. Contact. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
We are engaging. Wait out. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
Thank fuck for that. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
-Are you OK, boss? -Yeah. Thanks, Simon. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:18 | |
-Never knew you cared. -We all clear? | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
'Yeah, think so, boss.' | 0:21:21 | 0:21:22 | |
'OK, this cordon's looser than Rocket's mum. We need to work fast. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:30 | |
'Towerblock, get the hook and line ready. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
'I want this one out intact.' | 0:21:32 | 0:21:33 | |
Er, boss, given the situation, | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
don't you think we should just blow this and get out of here? | 0:21:36 | 0:21:39 | |
-What situation would that be? -The contact, the cordon. I just mean... | 0:21:39 | 0:21:43 | |
Your safety, like. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:46 | |
My safety depends on catching this bomber before he turns me | 0:21:46 | 0:21:49 | |
into a new fragrance called Medhurst Mist, | 0:21:49 | 0:21:50 | |
and that depends on getting those forensics back home. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:53 | |
So let's make a deal. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:54 | |
-You get my kit and I'll do the dangerous bit, OK? -Boss. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:59 | |
Here are some replacement copies for the valuable one that Bird ruined. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:08 | |
I'm sure she's incredibly sorry, | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
even though she's not here in person to apologise. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
Ah, Corporal Bird, come in. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
Sir, I'm really sorry... | 0:22:17 | 0:22:20 | |
-I take full responsibility. -Oh. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
-These things happen. We are in a war zone. -What?! | 0:22:24 | 0:22:26 | |
But, sir, I thought that copy belonged to your grandfather. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:30 | |
You don't think I'd lend a priceless tome like that to clowns like you? | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
No, I got that one off Faruq. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:36 | |
Always good to have some copies knocking about | 0:22:36 | 0:22:38 | |
to keep ambitious lance corporals quiet for a few days. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
What? So, sir, reading the book won't help me to become a corporal? | 0:22:41 | 0:22:45 | |
Well, let's see, shall we? | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
-It seems like you two have had quite the battle. -No. -Not really. -Who won? | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
-Me. -Me. -No. -No, I... | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
You both lost. The only winner...was... | 0:22:52 | 0:22:56 | |
-The Taliban. -No. Faruq. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:00 | |
Wherever there is war, there will be treasure for the unscrupulous. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
Is that Sun Tzu, sir? | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
No idea. Just made it up. That shit writes itself. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
-Sir, have you actually read Sun Tzu? -No, of course not. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
The copy my grandfather had was in Chinese or something. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:14 | |
Baffling. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:15 | |
-But you said you read it when you were a second lieutenant. -No. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:18 | |
That was a friend of mine who is now a lieutenant colonel, | 0:23:18 | 0:23:21 | |
exactly as I said. Pay attention. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
Carry on. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:24 | |
Right, two devices. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:28 | |
One blown in situ. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
The other, pulled out of the ground intact. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:34 | |
-I wonder if you can tell which is which? -Fair play, boss. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:37 | |
Both have the same wire, both horribly clever. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:41 | |
I reckon we've got someone new to the area. GS0H. Likes... | 0:23:41 | 0:23:45 | |
..making complicated bombs. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:48 | |
Dislikes... | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
ATOs like me. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
-We need to get these off to Weapons Intelligence. -Yeah, if you would. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
Sure. And, sir? | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
I'm sorry for suggesting we blow that in situ. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
-I wasn't thinking clearly. -That's fine. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
Anyway, and to make up for it... | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
da-da-da-diddle-da-diddle-da-da! | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
Huh? | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
-What this? -It's a Glock. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:13 | |
Skillies weren't keen but I gave him a hand job behind the cookhouse. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:17 | |
I'm only kidding. And we just cuddled. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why did you get it? | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
Cos you couldn't get one yourself. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
No, I could get one myself. I failed the test on a technicality. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:30 | |
Technically, you dropped it on the floor. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:33 | |
I am perfectly capable of passing this test! | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
Well, if you say you can pass the test, boss, I believe you. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:38 | |
I have no doubt you can do it with your eyes shut. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:40 | |
Oh, for the love of fuck, right, you come with me. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
Clear. And now five-round grouping. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:58 | |
Maybe lose the blindfold, yeah? | 0:25:00 | 0:25:01 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
-Happy now? -I never doubted you, boss. -Very impressive, sir. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:16 | |
After that showing, I'm happy for you to pass. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
-You can hang onto the Glock. -You're all right. The SIG's way better. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:22 | |
Two-stage trigger, smaller recoil. Better build quality. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:26 | |
Couldn't agree more. Got to love the SIG. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
Just feels right in your hand, doesn't it? May I? | 0:25:29 | 0:25:33 | |
Carry on. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:47 | |
-SHOUTING -What was that? | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
Ow! | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
SHOUTING | 0:25:57 | 0:25:58 | |
Who's betting? Hey, hey, you. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
-What is this? -Crab racing. -You're racing your genital lice? | 0:26:02 | 0:26:07 | |
-Awesome! -And Rocket's. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:09 | |
-He's been breeding some real thoroughbreds. -My God. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:11 | |
Every day you find new ways to disgust me. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:14 | |
-Give me five bucks on Crab Stick. -Ten on Seabiscuit. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
I'll have five on Desert Itch. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:18 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, the third race of the evening, | 0:26:18 | 0:26:22 | |
the Pubic Stakes! | 0:26:22 | 0:26:23 | |
ALL WHOOP | 0:26:23 | 0:26:26 | |
Ready? | 0:26:27 | 0:26:28 | |
And...they're off! | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
And it's Crab Stick in the lead. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
Followed by Seabiscuit, Desert Itch and Red Rub! | 0:26:33 | 0:26:37 | |
And Desert Itch is gaining! | 0:26:37 | 0:26:39 | |
And Red Rub has turned round and is heading back to the starting line! | 0:26:39 | 0:26:43 | |
And Seabiscuit is eating Red Rub! | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
Desert Itch is putting on a spurt! | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
But it's Crab Stick! | 0:26:47 | 0:26:48 | |
And Crab Stick has taken the Pubic Stakes! | 0:26:48 | 0:26:53 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:26:53 | 0:26:54 | |
Everybody, before the next race, as the ranking officer here... | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
-That's me, actually. -Shh. | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
..I call upon the Padre to re-award the Jockstrap of Joy. | 0:26:59 | 0:27:04 | |
-I would be delighted. -SHE CLEARS THROAT | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
Private McDowell, your antics have made me feel physically sick. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:11 | |
You are indeed one filthy bastard. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
Yes! | 0:27:14 | 0:27:15 | |
However, it's one thing to catch crabs, | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
it's quite another to voluntarily stable them in your blast pants. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:22 | |
I hereby award the Jockstrap of Joy | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
to Rocket. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:26 | |
-Oh, good! -CHEERING | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
Aye, fair enough, fair enough. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
Stop all this at once! | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
What's the first rule? | 0:27:33 | 0:27:35 | |
Don't race crabs! | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
I am shocked, SHOCKED, to find that crab racing is going on in here! | 0:27:37 | 0:27:41 | |
-You're winning, sir. -Oh, thank you very much. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
Mac, Rocket, clean this up. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 | |
Faruq, you have done me proud. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:50 | |
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:54 | |
Yes, all right, don't push it. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 |