Episode 2 Bluestone 42

This programme contains strong language.

Weapons Intelligence aren't usually late.

We could give it another five.

You did ask them to come.

Yes, I did. And yet, WISWO came there none.

WISWO!

I just like the word - WISWO!

Well, it doesn't sound like he's a weapons intelligence guy, does it?

Sounds like he's a wizard. Whiz!

And he's just done something amazing! Whoa!

WISWO!

Your life in his hands. Incredible.

Right, life's too short. I'm going down there.

Boss on the move!

VOICES CRACKLE OVER RADIO

Boss. We've got some chat on ICOM.

VOICES CRACKLE OVER RADIO

What are they saying?

"The donkey is walking towards the tiger."

What?

Oh, shit! Boss! Boss, get out of there!

"The donkey runs like a girl."

Just kidding.

-Well?

-They're saying the donkey was walking towards the tiger.

-You must be the donkey, boss.

-Yes, I...

-And the tiger is...

The bomb! Well done for cracking that impenetrable Taliban code(!)

OK. So, what does this mean?

Remote initiation? A command wire?

Yeah. But the search team's already had a poke about

and didn't find anything, so...?

It could be along a linear feature?

A linear feature! He's learning! Bird, linear feature.

Get them to check again.

Boss, my team can't stop you being blown to bits

by a command wire device,

but you're not getting shot, not on my watch.

Thanks, Simon...comforting(!)

The donkey is checking the time.

The donkey! Why can't I be the tiger?

They go to go to all this trouble of targeting me,

and they can't even give me a decent bloody codename?

Don't shoot the messenger.

No, seriously. Don't.

There you go! All done.

-Let's hope our new WISWO...

-WISWO!

..can help us to... Nutsack! Fucking hell!

Nick.

Nutsack.

This is cosy(!)

Isn't it? So, you're our new WISWO.

Good. Perfect. Amazeballs!

Believe me, mate, as much of a surprise for me as it is for you.

Last week I was in Chester, scratching my arse, next thing

I'm off to Afghan before I even get a chance to sniff my fingers.

Charming(!) Steve Nuttall, Towerblock, you've already met Bird.

-Yes, she...

-Lance Corporal Lansley. Close protection.

Yeah, Bird said about a command wire device?

Unusual in this terrain.

Yeah, I know it's unusual. That's why you're here.

Yeah, so we reckon we're dealing with an experienced bomber

with a working knowledge of our existing render safe

and forensic procedures.

Brilliant! So you've totally read the profile I compiled.

Did you have any information that, you know, I didn't give you?

Like, who it is?

No idea, mate.

Well, I'm so glad you're here(!)

It's good to know you've got my back.

Puts you in an ideal position to stick a knife in it.

Yeah, all right. Just make sure that the rest of your team are...

-The rest of my team are fine.

-OK.

Actually, you know what - the rest of my team are better than fine.

They're a group of highly skilled individuals who know exactly what they're doing. So, thank you.

Bloody hell, Simon.

-Sorry.

-And in the World Willy Waving contest,

both Nick and Nutsack both have nil points.

-Piss off, Bird.

-Seriously boss, what was all that about?

-He said you were old mates.

-Yeah, we were.

Till he fucked my fiancee!

-Whoa! Fuck me!

-Of course! Marianne!

Losing a fiancee, huh? I feel your pain, brother.

Come on. Let's go home.

OK, most likely to...get caught dogging.

-Bird! No question.

-What about you, Mac?

I wouldn't get caught, would I?

ALL: Aaaaah!

OK. OK. OK!

Most likely to...

stick a Haribo up his arse to see if he could tell which one it was by the shape?

Ha ha...gay!

Well, you actually did that, Rocket, so you.

Ha ha! Aye, I did. And you cannae tell.

OK - most likely to... come out as gay?

-ALL: Mac!

-Eh?! Aw, seriously - I'm no' fucking gay!

Ah, see! He's no' gay.

But the thing is, Rocket, Mac is in denial.

-No, I'm not!

-Mac is so keen to call everything and everyone else gay,

because he has certain - feelings -

that upset and confuse him.

Except, I don't, because I'm no' gay!

So, if you're completely secure in your heterosexuality,

you wouldn't care how you came across,

so you'd be happy to call everyone "duckie" all day.

-For example.

-Fuck off!

"Duckie"? Towerblock, have you ever actually met anyone who's gay?

I've met Mac.

Fair enough.

My great-uncle was gay. But you couldnae tell.

Until he married that guy. He never called anyone "duckie", though.

He just called everyone "pal".

Let's not get bogged down by authenticity, eh?

"All right, pal!" That was him.

OK, look, the only way that Mac can prove he's not in denial

is to call everyone on the base "duckie" all day.

Fuck off!

THEY JEER

Fuck off!

Duckie!

Better.

-So, as our new WISWO...

-WISWO!

..pointed out, this bomber is specifically targeting us...

But mainly targeting you, boss.

Thank you, Simon - so stay sharp, double check everything.

Drills and skills. OK? Mary.

OK, so I've organised another Mary's Movies Night.

-Really?

-Brilliant(!)

Look, I know that some of my film picks have bombed -

I mean, er, sorry...

I quite enjoyed Three Colours Red.

Face it, Mary, you have no idea what the guys like.

Just trying to broaden some rather narrow horizons.

And what cinematic treat do you have for us?

Well, I think you're going to like it, it's a bit more soldiery.

Atonement!

Mary, have you actually ever met any soldiers?

Well, I'm a soldier...

ALL LAUGH LOUDLY

Can't you at least put something popular on?

-Atonement won a BAFTA!

-Always a bad sign.

-What's a BAFTA?

-No, look, it's fine,

if you want to watch mindless Hollywood blockbusters.

But it's my movie night, and some people actually prefer European cinema.

So, tomorrow night, we're watching Atonement,

and there'll be lots of people there, and that's that!

-Wait, wait, wait! Tomorrow night's Bird's Boogie Night!

-Of course!

-What?

-First Thursday. Bird's Boogie Night.

How did I not know about this?

Cos I've never invited you. It's a soldier thing.

Well, can you change it to another night? Because I've told everyone now.

I'm not moving Bird's Boogie Night just to avoid clashing with everyone not watching your film.

Yeah? And I'm not moving Mary's Movies for an event you hadn't even told me about.

Mmmm. A stand off.

No, OK - we'll have to have both and we'll just see who comes to what.

-Fine.

-Fine.

OK. So, team, anything else?

Boss, could we run some close protection drills?

What with you being targeted...

-No.

-I'm with Mac on this one.

Are you sure, boss? Cos if you got killed, how's that gonna make me look?

Wow! OK.

Er...boss, look, if this new bomber's on your case, then you and the WISWO will need to get on.

-WISWO!

-It's all right, Towerblock.

No, I agree, boss.

If you are being targeted, you can't be thinking of

Warrant Officer Nuttall, y'know...

..ploughing your fiancee. Clear the air.

Yup! Go and see him, face to face.

And punch his fucking lights out.

All right, Towerblock, I know in t'North you settle your disputes

by glassing your mates outside t'pub,

but in the civilised world, we talk to each other. Using words.

I'd punch him in the face.

I was going to go with nuts, but face could work.

Good meeting, everyone!

Knock, knock - Corporal Bird, Private MacDowell.

-Sir.

-Sir.

Everything in hand for Bird's Boogie Night?

-We're just putting together the playlist, sir.

-Good-oh!

Make sure there's a bit of Sugababes on there.

-Guaranteed floor filler.

-Sir.

Pity about the clash with the padre's film night.

Still, her hit rate's pretty dismal.

What's she gone for this time? The Kite Runner?

Documentary about Venezuelan feminists?

-Atonement.

-Oof! Really? Still, could be worse.

Could be The King's Speech. That was bobbins.

Always a bad sign, BAFTAs. Don't you think, Mac?

Aye. You're right...

-..duckie.

-Carry on...

precious.

# If you're ready for me, boy, you better...

# Push the button, let me know before I

# Get the wrong idea and go... #

I've got the forensics from this morning.

"The donkey is entering the cookhouse."

Yeah, and I just wanted to, um, clear the air.

I know we've had our differences, but it's time to move on,

focus on the matter in hand. So. This bomber...

Hey, it's so good to hear you say that!

Seven years is too long not to speak to each other.

And I'm sure Marianne would want to say hi.

Would she? OK. Well, as long as she's...

all right. So, the wire...

She's all right. As all right as you can be with twins on the way!

That'll be five.

Five kids!

Wow!

So, the wire - well, it feels like he wants us to know it's him.

Feels like he's trying to fuck with my head.

Or maybe he's just got a load of orange wire.

Look, I'm just made up that you want to...you want to move on.

You were my best mate.

"Best mate?"

You were screwing Marianne behind my back for six months!

Oh, so it's...all in the past now then, is it?

Come on, Nick! Nicky boy -

we're part of the most incestuous trade in the whole fucking army...

Speak for yourself!

Hang about - you shagged Marianne's sister!

Yeah! But only afterwards!

And I didn't enjoy it.

Much.

Oh, what?

Bird, you utter bitch!

Well, I'm sorry but she is.

Well, hold it up so everyone can see.

So, Bird, how come you've got gay porn?

Does that mean you're gay? No.

Cos if you were gay you'd have porn with girls in it.

-But that's straight porn. So...

-I just prefer it, all right?

It's the real deal. Just plain old naked men fucking.

Fair dos.

Bad news, chaps. Film night is cancelled.

-Oh!

-Brilliant!

-..because the projector has mysteriously gone missing.

Jesus'll know where it is. Ask him.

So unless whoever's "borrowed" it, decides to return it, then it's all off.

Which is such a shame as I've got a job lot of Pepperami

coming from a padre in Bastion.

Can we have the Pepperami anyway?

No. I just think it's sad that someone would...

I haven't taken your fucking projector, all right...

-Ma'am.

-I'm not saying anything.

-Just whoever it is...

-It wasn't me, though!

-Yes, but whoever it is...

-Can you stop looking at me when you say "whoever it is"!

-If whoever has it can bring it back...

-It wasn't fucking me, all right!

Has anyone else got an erection right now?

-Apart from that guy, obviously.

-Yes, thank you, Nick.

Wow!

Anyway... Whoever has it, should just return it to me,

no questions asked, and I won't take things any further...

..with her.

RESA has completed a search for command wires, boss. Nothing.

Oh, well, we're unlikely to see two on the same day anyway.

Sounds like you're relying on the law of averages there, mate.

Er...he's right, boss. You did say we should double check everything.

-There you go, listen to your number two, and...

-Then you two get a room

and you can fuck him like you fucked my fiancee. How about that?

-Jesus!

-Sorry, boss.

I was watching - vigilance.

Yeah, we're just working on some new close protection procedures.

Very close, as it turns out.

WISWO!

Yeah?

Er...

Nothing.

Padre.

Right! Tatty Bye!

Boss on the move!

The snake is crawling towards the mango.

Shit. Boss. Get back!

You are shitting me.

The snake is crawling towards the mango.

Bird, find Sergeant Hogg

-and tell him to do another search for command wires!

-Sure.

With a side order of "fucking find it this time!"

I'll see if they got that.

Well, this is gonna take an hour!

So, I'm a snake now, am I? How peachy!

Did I say snake?

Sorry, a better translation would be worm.

The worm is crawling towards the mango.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Is there something I can help you with?

Yeah. Where's my fucking stereo...Ma'am?

Well, where's my f...actual projector, Bird? Corporal?

Ah, padre, Bird. Missing something?

-Yes! I...

-No, I just...

Your projector? Sorry, padre.

Had to borrow it in a hurry for a Powerpoint thingy back at the FOB.

Theirs was broken. Knew you wanted it back for film night.

Yes. Thank you, sir.

No problem. I think the DVD's still in the box.

Oh, no. This is a different one.

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen. And Atonement seems to be missing.

I can't show that. That's not what Mary's Movies is all about.

I thought you two were competing for an audience.

-I'd go with Transformers.

-Fine.

# Robots in disguise! #

Not a very good disguise though, most of the time. Shame.

Bird! You stop! It's not in here.

Look,

why don't I see if I can find out who stole your stereo,

and get him to put it back, no questions asked?

Or HER. Get HER to put it back, Ma'am.

All right, benders?

Oh, dear. You have let yourself down there, Mac.

Aw, what? Are you still on that?

We didn't want to be, but...

Casual homophobia is a definite sign of denial.

Fuck off.

I've already proved I'm very comfortable

-with a whole range of gay activities.

-Ah-huh!

We could get him to dress as one of the Village People.

The Red Indian! He was the best one!

Might look a bit racist.

Yeah, it would be a shame to look a bit racist

when you've made such an effort to give a balanced view of gay culture.

Hmm. Maybe the construction worker then?

HE LAUGHS

I mean, I know I'm no saint, but come on, he was shagging my fiancee.

Nick, you just have to forgive him.

Is that what they taught you at Sandhurst while we were all learning about fighting?

You just look him in the eye and you say, "I forgive you".

Wow. I really must write some of this down.

Otherwise, how will I remember the finer details? Cheers, padre.

Boss!

Without knowing it, you are already part of a close protection drill.

I've primed Mac and Rocket to launch a surprise attack

when we least expect it.

-Bloody hell!

-Jesus! Not yet!

You said you wanted a surprise!

-Yes, but...

-Surprise!

OK, Simon. I think the key here is 360 degree visibility, yeah?

OK, great, so why don't you get up that sangar,

and see what the 360 degree atmospheric visibility profile is

on me, Mac and Rocket?

-Great idea!

-Boom! Good work, soldier!

-Right, coffee?

-Aye.

-Brilliant.

Boss?

Boss! I've lost visibility!

Cover that.

Right, the search team have gone over every inch for command wires

twice, boss, and nothing.

Well, you had two command wires yesterday.

Hey, someone write this guy up for a medal!

He totally remembers something that happened yesterday!

Simon?

Following this morning's exercise,

I wondered about that 360 degree vis on that ridge up there?

It's a good vantage point, Corporal, but it hasn't been cleared.

Oh, we can clear it as we go.

I wouldn't advise it.

I think I can trust my team to make the right decisions.

Trust, mate, not something you know much about.

Simon, you do whatever you think's best.

OK, let's move out! You!

Right, if no-one has any more objections,

I think I might go down to that device.

-Towerblock, get my kit.

-Yes, boss.

Bird!

MEN SPEAK ON RADIO

The leopard is...

What is it?

The leopard is approaching the turnip.

I'm a leopard? I'm a leopard now!

-Get in!

-But you haven't started approaching the turnip yet, boss.

No, no, no! Can we just focus on the fact that I am a leopard for a moment because...

Simon.

Simon, Simon!

I'm nearly there, boss!

-There's a device up there!

-Fucking come back down or you'll die!

Simon, get down!

Charlie, Charlie One, this is Bluestone 42. Contact IED. Wait out.

Fuck, fuck.

Simon? SIMON!

Mac, thank fuck! Where's Simon?

-Fuck knows!

-Quick, get into cover!

Simon!

SIMON!

Boss!

Oh, Jesus! Simon! Are you OK?

Wha... I AM OK!

OK, everyone stay in cover, stay sharp. Eyes on.

-Eyes on.

-Eyes on!

Shit. That was too fucking close.

-Simon.

-Boss?

Look, I just wanted to apologise for earlier.

-Letting you go up on that ridge was...

-It's all right, boss. I'm your close protection.

-It was my call.

-Yeah, it's just this stuff with Nutsack, you know.

It's got to me and I'm sorry.

-Maybe...you need to forgive him.

-You sound like the padre.

And I can't believe you got to be the fucking leopard!

ROAARR!

-Steve.

-Nick.

Look.

Kick him in the nuts!

Sorry, mate, I had to do that.

Yeah, yeah, I know mate. Fair play. Shit!

You've got quite a hook there.

Look, I know that I behaved like a complete arsehole.

So if you want to have another go, come on.

Nah!

Look, mate, you and Marianne, I mean, fair play,

you've made a go of it, right.

When I proposed to her, I'd just finished my first tour,

I thought it was what I wanted, but could you imagine?

Me? With a wife?

Stuck in some shitty Army semi?

Bunch of fucking rug rats snotting and puking all over the place?

-What?

-School runs, recorder practice, Saturday night telly?

Awful. Never have a shag cos you're always knackered?

That's my fucking life you're talking about, you wanker!

Oh, fuck you, you two-faced prick!

Kick him in the nuts!

-WISWO!

-Go, Nick!

-Go, boss!

Hi, guys, help yourself to Pepperami.

Who have you come as, Bob the Builder?

It's a wee bit more complicated than that.

Nice turn out.

Oh. Thanks, Bird.

And my stereo turned up, so...

No problem. I mean, oh! Oh! Did it? Great!

Anyway, no harm done.

It's been a hell of a day, so let's just watch Transformers.

Fuck Boogie Night.

Er, really? OK, OK.

-Guys, shall we begin?

-ALL: Yeah!

Trailers. They're my favourite. They're like wee movies.

-Hey?

-What?

-What is this?

-But how is this...

-I had a feeling someone might steal it so I set up the handicam.

OK, I think we've all seen enough of this.

I don't think we have...Ma'am.

Oh, hello. What's she seen?

THEY ALL LAUGH AND JEER

Now THAT'S entertainment.

Yeah, right padre!

-OK, no, sorry, that's it. No more Mary's Movie Nights.

-ALL CHEER

What? I was hoping you'd beg me to keep them. Never mind.

-Who's up for Bird's Boogie Night?

-ALL CHEER

Ah, Mary. I've just been watching Atonement. Cracking film.

Despite the BAFTA.

See you at Boogie Night.

Mac! Mac! Mac! I've got it! I've got it!

If you want to prove that you're not gay, then you would have no

problem in putting your penis in Rocket's mouth.

-Eh?

-I mean, what could be a clearer demonstration that you're

entirely comfortable with your own sexuality?

All right. But this is the last one!

Well, don't I get a say in this? I'm not doing that.

BOTH LAUGH

-What?

-You're in denial, mate. You must be gay.

-Aye. You're gay, Rocket.

-Am I?

Because I don't want to suck Mac's cock?

-Yeah.

-Aye.

-It just goes to show, you cannae tell.

Sugababes! Great choice!

Thanks, sir!

All right, I take it back.

You do understand what they want more than I do.

Thank you!

One for the wank bank, eh?

What?

I don't...er... Let's just say we have different...

-Masturbational fantasies?

-I'm just going to...

Is there something on your mind, Rocket?

Eh, I'm just a wee bit confused about my sexuality.

Really?

Aye, I think I might be the only gay one here.

What makes you say that?

Mac and Towerblock said that I'm in denial.

Mac said that?

OK. Rocket, sexuality is on a spectrum.

Everyone has to work it out on their own.

And some people find it much harder to work out than others.

So, you "forgave" him, then?

We forgave each other, didn't we, mate?

Yeah. We forgave seven shades of shit out of each other.

I'm glad it all worked out.

Tell you what, mate,

your padre is proper fit.

Don't you fucking dare!