Episode 3 Bluestone 42

'This programme contains very strong language.'

-Rat duty.

-Ratageddon.

-OK. I've got seven job reports to get off to WIS,

so can we skip the discussion and just slaughter the rodents?

The disgusting, diseased rodents with their scaly tales. Eugh!

We're going to shoot us some vermin!

I don't want to. Rats are sweet wee things.

Well, how about taking one for the team and just getting on with it.

Nah! I'm not getting involved. Let's just do this.

You go and do your job reports, boss, I've got this.

Unfortunately, I have to supervise because, after the last rat shoot,

you all ended up on the notice board as CQ's Twats of The Week.

-That was harsh.

-You shot up two quad bikes!

-The Verminator will not be stopped.

-Towerblock?

OK! Let's do this.

-Whoa!

-Bit unnecessary!

-Let battle commence.

-I want a combat shotgun.

-Can we start?

-I'm not starting unless I've got a combat shotgun.

Towerblock, just give me a combat shotgun.

Borrowing this cost me a packet of Hobnobs.

Oh, my God, it's like running a creche. Start, please, now!

-I refuse to shoot a rat.

-Oh, grow a pair, will you?

Can we have no more interruptions! PLEASE!

-Mind if I join?

-Aa-a-agh! Yes, certainly, sir.

-Rats! Exciting.

-Everyone ready?

No!

-He's not in his quarters.

-Not in the cookhouse.

-Comms room?

-I looked there.

-Maybe he killed himself.

-What?

I'm just saying it's a depressing job, he has the means

and, let's be honest, we've all... Ah, boss! Good to see you.

Boss, message from WIS.

-Where were you?

-Ammo store.

-I looked there.

Yes, I was in the other ammo store.

There's another ammo store?

Yeah, well, I mean, I was taking a shit.

You never heard it called the ammo store before?

-Good name!

-Does everyone call it that?

Boss. They said it was urgent.

-Bloody hell.

-What is it?

-Our bomber got someone.

-Who?

-Shit!

Hit a close protection unit in Red Three One. One fatality.

-Fuck!

-Secondary in the ICP. Low metal. Same orange wire.

This could have been us.

Shit. What a waste. It could've been Simon.

-Bloody hell, Mac!

-Too much?

Thanks for this, Bird. I'm going to get on with these forensics.

Boss, if you need us...

Post?

Success with the rats?

It was fucking mint. Rat bits everywhere!

Aye. Rocket just stood there like a lemon!

Rats are cute wee things!

Are they fuck. Your mum is a cute wee thing.

-Rats are furry and stupid.

-That's no fair.

No. They're vicious little bastards with their evil little pink eyes

and... bleurgh.

Ha-ha! My da's got a new girlfriend. The old dog!

-I bet she is.

-Aye. Probably some rough old tart from Greenock.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, she's quite pretty, actually.

What do we think, guys?

What the fuck? Give it back!

Is everything all right?

It's Lorna fucking Monroe!

Are you crying?

She was the year above me in high school.

What? Your dad's going out with your high school girlfriend?

-Hoh! Hoh!

-She was never my girlfriend.

I had a photo of her on my bedroom wall.

Every day, I'd come home and look at it and I'd tug one off.

Oh! Everyone! Look! Look! He's totally crying!

This isn't funny, Simon.

Poor wee Mac, weeping like a lassie!

-All right, Simon.

-Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

And especially, fuck you!

Good team work, guys! Supportive.

Good talking down to us, Mary. Annoying.

Oh. Hello, sir.

Nick. So, you've discovered my little sun trap.

Your little... It's just when I came up, there was

-nothing and now there are...

-Tulips?

Yeah, I was just hoping this would be a handy little corner

to get away from my team, you know?

If you'd like me to water those for you so you can get on with...

No. Rather enjoy giving my girls a shower. Relaxing.

Yeah, it's just I really wanted to get this forensic profile done.

-In the quiet.

-You find tulips noisy?

-How eccentric!

-No, I mean...

Anyway, would you mind looking after my chair?

I need to visit the ammo store.

-Your chair?

-If you wouldn't mind.

Eh... Mac, I've got something to show you.

Is he still in a mood about Lorna?

She's no longer the girl I fell in love with,

and I have to accept that.

It's that arsehole, Simon.

I've got something that'll cheer you up.

-You've killed him?

-No.

Won't cheer me up, then.

-What's this thing?

-Nothing.

Show me, or I'll take a dump in your doss bag.

OK.

-So what is it, then?

-Sh!

Sweet!

No! I saved it! As a pet.

He's called Smokey.

-A pet? Hang on, didn't you have a cat called Smokey?

-Aye.

We called him that, cos me and my brother tried to make him smoke.

You know, for the internet.

Oh, whatever. You're going to need a cage.

No. Animals should be allowed to roam free.

And to smoke, apparently.

I suppose it would be a nice cage.

With a play area and a water feature.

Come on, then.

Just thought this would be easier.

It doesn't look easier.

MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY

We could teach him to beg!

When we had a dog, we tried to teach him how to beg.

-Let me guess what the dog was called. Smokey?

-You knew him?

A lucky guess. How did you teach him to beg?

We just didnae feed him. But he never learnt.

Or he was too proud. And then he died.

Oi, you two, we've got... Aa-a-argh! Shit!

No! He's a pet.

A pet? Eugh! How can you?

With its scaly tail and tiny fucking hands.

I never thought you'd be afraid of rats.

I'm not!

-You so are!

-No, I'm not. And we've got a shout on.

Move your arse!

You can't see anything with this shitty little drone.

I think it's cool. Give us a go.

Seriously? It's basically a kite with a webcam.

You want the Reaper drone?

Oh, Achmed! Ah!

-I can make some calls.

-No, it's too low. Take it higher.

-Oh, are you worried you'll see a rat?

-Fuck off, Towerblock!

It's all right. Loads of girls are scared of rats.

Yeah! You've really worked me out. Girly Bird.

-Scared of rats.

-Your words, not mine.

I will shove that controller up your tiny...

-Children! Will you please...?

-Boss, I don't like these atmospherics.

This terrain is ambush heaven.

Good. Working! Thank you.

So if anyone sees anything, anything, I want to know about it.

Towerblock?

There's a rock formation shaped like a cock and balls.

For fuck's sake, Corporal! I'm trying to... Yeah! Nice one.

-Right, I'm going down there.

-Boss on the move!

The girl he once loved. In the arms of his father.

The father he once loved.

In the girl he once loved.

Sorry, sorry, shouldn't mock. You might cry again.

-I'm no' going to cry.

-What again?

-Oh, Rocket.

-Skip?

Could you fetch him a couple of Kleenexes?

One for when he wanks over Lorna,

and one for when he cries about it afterwards.

Fucking leave it out, skip!

Too much? Eh? Oh!

Just tell me you've slipped up. One fingerprint.

That's all I need.

-Boss? Boss!

-Boss!

Two groups of fighting age males approaching from the west, boss.

-Sounds a bit warry. How long?

-Eight to 12 minutes.

Shit! Towerblock, get the hook and line. Now.

Seriously, boss, in eight minutes?

Seriously, I would have had a lot longer to do this than eight minutes

if you two hadn't been pissing about with your kite.

Now will you let me get this thing out off the ground and maybe

we can nail the fucker that killed one of our guys yesterday.

Do it!

-How long?

-Five to seven.

Maybe eight if they stop to admire the cock and balls.

-Hook and line, boss?

-No, there's no time.

I'll get whatever there is out off the ground.

Get us a couple of evidence bags.

-Eyes on.

-Three to five minutes, boss

Roger that.

Got it. Let's go.

Well done, team. Good work, everyone.

MUSIC PLAYS

COFFEE MAKER HISSES

-Sir?

-Nick.

-Sir, there's this persistent noise that...

Espresso! Wow!

Thought you'd be more surprised by the pizza oven.

-Hello?

-Padre.

Mac. Is everything OK?

I know you've been getting a bit of stick off your team.

Aye. Especially Simon. Jesus, that guy is a cunt.

Oh, sorry, ma'am. Didn't mean to say Jesus.

That's all right.

Well, in Matthew's gospel, Jesus says,

"Why do you look at the speck of dust in your brother's eye

"when you have a plank in your own?"

Ah, right, got ya. You're saying Simon's a plank?

-No, I...

-You're saying I'm a plank?

-No, I'm...

Look, who's the plank in this scenario?

I'm saying you're a hypocrite! Sorry, it's just that

if you stopped ripping the piss out of everyone the whole time,

or even said sorry once in a while, they'd be easier on you!

So, I'm a plank. Fair enough.

Doesn't mean Simon's not a cunt.

Mmm. Leave it with me.

Any second now, Bird's going to shit herself like my one-year-old

after a bhuna.

Are you sure Smokey'll be all right in there?

Smokey will enjoy it. He's playing a trick on Bird.

-I dunno.

-Rats have got a great sense of humour.

Knock, knock?

Is everything all right?

-Where is he?

-Hmmm?

-Smokey?!

What the fuck are you two playing at?

We put the rat in your tent to shit you up.

-Right. Well, I am going to... Aa-a-agh!

-Smokey!

What! Thought that was...

Not scared, just surprised.

Shite! We've got to find him!

Too late, mate. If he's seen outside, he'll be toast.

-Thank fuck!

-What? No!

-I never even taught him to smoke!

-Oh, come on, Rocket.

He's my pet and you lost him!

-All right, we'll help you find him.

-We?

-Yeah.

-We, cos we're all team players.

-Fuck off!

-You can fly the drone.

-Fuck on.

Mac, I want to apologise.

Those things I said earlier...

-Out of line.

-Aye.

I want to help you. So if you want to talk.

I know the trials of the heart are painful.

When Charlotte and I broke up, I'll be honest, I did shed a tear.

Aye. I remember.

I was with Charlotte for 14 years.

It would be weird if I hadn't cried.

-So I understand...

-OK. Rewind. 14 years?

-Serious?

-Yes.

So, Charlotte is the only woman you've ever slept with?!

Well, yes.

-What?

-You're practically a virgin!!

No, because I slept with her a lot. Many, many times.

Well, once a week. Depending.

This is class. Simon, the virgin.

I was trying to be nice! Well, fuck you, Mac.

HE LAUGHS

Smokey.

Smokey. Smokey. Are you really going to be able to see Smokey with that?

No, but if she didn't get to use it,

she wouldn't have helped, being scared of rats and all.

Do you need this much height for pizza?

No. But you do if you also want to roast a chicken.

-Nice.

-Very interesting dish, pizza. It's all about harmony.

Different ingredients working together.

A sort of culinary team, if you will.

-Sir.

-And each of those ingredients vastly diminished on its own.

-Like I always say, there's no 'I' in pizza.

-Erm...

Shit. They've spotted us.

Pair of bloody Ruperts with their own little private club.

But what about the rat?

Here he comes now.

Ah! Nick team player Medhurst.

That's my name. But with an insult in the middle.

Got a little VIP area, have you?

Just trying to get a bit of headspace so I can build up

a profile of this bomber.

Oh! And your team can't help you with that?

PHONE RINGS

Yep. Yep, OK.

Three devices a few hundred yards apart.

And there's a convoy coming through at 0900, so we need to move.

-OK.

-Come on, then. Or have you got your own private bomb to defuse?

MUSIC PLAYS

OK, Towerblock, I want to get

all these devices out intact before the light goes.

-Get the hook and line ready.

-Yes, boss.

So, Simon's a virgin?

-Basically, aye.

-No. I have had sex many times with Charlotte.

We must have done it 600 times. Probably less than that. But, anyway.

See? Virgin.

Eyes on.

Hello, device number one.

I shall be your ATO for the afternoon.

-How long's he been down there?

-90 minutes and counting.

-Shit.

-OK, Towerblock, I think I've got all of the first device.

We'll hook and line it, then I'll go back for the other two.

Sunset's in half an hour, boss.

Maybe one's enough.

We'll blow the other two.

Working in the dark, or camping out. It's too dangerous.

You're my team, so I look after you.

No, boss. We're your team, we look after you.

-You sure?

-Personally, nah.

But I signed a contract to look after some lanky posh twat.

So, might as well.

Yep. We can mitigate threats. I'll talk to the platoon commander.

If I don't have to go home to Mrs Faruq, that's good for me.

Happy to do it, boss.

No, sorry, I have got to get back to find Smokey.

OK, we'll camp out, and start up again at 0500,

that'll give me time before the convoy comes through.

Crack on.

MUSIC PLAYS

This makes a nice change, eh? Comrades together. Out here.

Sleeping under the stars.

Oh, look! Shooting star. Make a wish.

SOUNDS OF GUNFIRE

Oh, shit!

Which dickwad wished for that?

Jesus!

Boss, I want you, Bird and Towerblock in cover.

-I'm here, I can...

-Boss, you do the bombs, we do this.

Copy that.

Three hostiles approaching along tree line.

200m. 150m.

-Think I've got one skip.

-Yep!

-No.

-100 metres. Fix bayonets.

-Serious?

-Yep! Let's go and find them.

God, I'm knackered. Never slept all night in a Mastiff before.

I'd say the same, if I'd actually got any sleep.

I'm sorry, lads, I know it was a rough night for you.

You could say that. It was pretty full-on, wasn't it?

Fucking was. Aye.

I was shitting myself.

The whole time I was thinking, if I die, who'll look after Smokey?

Right, that's number three. Let's go home.

MUSIC PLAYS

-Has Medhurst disappeared again?

-Don't believe this.

After all that, he's gone off to his bloody officer's mess!

-We need to find my pet.

-Argh!

-Come on, Bird!

You know what? No. OK, I'm afraid of rats.

You want to know why?

When I was seven, we lived in this really old house.

And every night, I would hear this scratching sound.

Yeah?

So, one night, I got up. The house was completely silent.

I went downstairs, and there across the hallway,

were these tiny, bloody footprints.

Shit!

So, I went into the kitchen.

And there, in front of me, dripping with blood...

A KITTEN!

So, yeah, I'm afraid of rats. But you're afraid of kittens.

So, I win.

Guys, I got these for you.

An invitation?

9:30 on the rooftop terrace for brunch.

We've got an hour to find Smokey. I lost my rat.

Aye, and Simon lost his virginity Oh, no, wait a minute.

-He hasn't.

-Charlotte and I did it a lot. Loads.

-In both positions.

-Mac. Maybe this is the time to say sorry.

Just clear the air with Simon and the rest of your team.

OK. OK.

Bluestone 42,

I'd like to apologise to each of yous for all my piss taking.

Simon.

You're a huge prick, but it's wrong of me to repeatedly point that out.

Rocket.

I'm sorry I keep saying I fancy your mum,

but she is super fucking hot and I definitely would.

-Away tae fuck.

-Mac, that's probably...

No, no. You were right, padre, this feels brilliant.

-Towerblock...

-Well, this should be good.

You blether on about being from the North, but at the end of the day,

you're still an English poof, but that's OK, because I accept that.

Bird...

Mac, I think I speak for the whole team here when I...

-Oh!

-Towerblock!

Come on, guys!

Nice work, padre.

I presume this is some sort of team building exercise?

Looks done to a turn.

-Ah, guests.

-Here we are.

-This is a Gucci wee spot.

And today it's even better, because we have English breakfast pizza!

-Awesome.

-Also, chicken pizza.

-Holy shit.

-I wanted to say thank you.

I'm glad to be part of such a brilliant team.

After all, there's no 'I' in Pizza.

Corporal House, you did say you killed all the rats, didn't you?

-I think so, sir.

-Then who's this little chap?

Smokey!

NO!

Nobody messes with my tulips.

You was the best friend I ever had!

Look, Rocket, pizza.

Ooh! Brilliant! Breakfast!

Boss, I'm sorry I gave you a hard time over this secret place.

It's not bad, is it?

Yeah. Don't know why there's that danger keep out sign downstairs.

No. I don't know why no-one was using it. I reckon we could...

GUNFIRE

-That's why.

-There it is!

My girls!