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This programme contains strong language. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
It's dangerous enough without setting fire to the base. | 0:00:06 | 0:00:09 | |
-What's the first rule? -Don't set fire to the base? -Don't set fire...exactly! | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
In fairness, sir, there was no real harm done. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:15 | |
The paperwork's safe in the ISO, and nobody's been hurt. | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
Oh, that is good news. It'd be awful if Mac or Rocket had been singed. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:21 | |
I presume they're to blame for this debacle? | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
Well, I will be investigating the cause of this fire vigorously, sir. | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
How is this going to look when the Secretary of State for Defence arrives tomorrow? | 0:00:26 | 0:00:29 | |
Is he? Or she? | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
Five hours of standing around, nodding, pointing... | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
Tell me about it. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
-Pretending to laugh at his stupid jokes. HTEA. -HTEA? | 0:00:35 | 0:00:39 | |
Having to explain acronyms. Awful. Oh, and did I mention? | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
-You'll be looking after him. -What?! -As a favour to me. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
Since this whole fire incident has really brought us together. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
No, but, sir, I am on call for... | 0:00:48 | 0:00:49 | |
Yes, yes, if there's a device, you must go, but otherwise, | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
you're in charge of keeping this prize-winning chump | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
-out of harm's way. And out of my way. -Yes, sir. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:57 | |
Do that and I might overlook this gigantic flaming cock-up. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:02 | |
Carry on. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:03 | |
-Do you want your kebab now, boss? -Yes, I do. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
Ah! Hot! Hot, hot! | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
-OK, guys. Everything squared away? -Yes, boss. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
And by everything, I mean a bunch of fire-damaged kit and ashes. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:49 | |
Why, Gloria, why? | 0:01:49 | 0:01:53 | |
Get that thing thrown away. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
Boss, the fire safety on this base is a shambles. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:59 | |
What makes you say that? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:00 | |
I did try and warn you about the dangers of barbecues but... | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
Faruq got us a goat. It needs eating. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
I would like to volunteer to be the fire safety officer for the base. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
-Fine. -I'm ideal for the job | 0:02:10 | 0:02:11 | |
because I am used to pre-empting danger with my hawk-like... | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
I said "fine", Simon. Go and see the lieutenant colonel. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
-I'm sure he'll be just as excited as I am. -Yes, boss! | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
Boss, there's someone at the gate asking for you. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
-Oh, that will be my Ocado order. -A bloke called Ahmed. Young-ish. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:26 | |
-Friendly-ish. -Bellend-ish. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
Unfortunately he thinks he's on our side, so we can't shoot him. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
-Did I mention he's an utter bellend? -Well, he seemed fine to me. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
-I bet you anything he's a bellend. -You can't prove someone's a bellend. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
Ten dollars. Within 24 hours, you'll be calling him a bellend. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
-You're on! -All right, Towerblock. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
You can go and make your own unbiased assessment of his bellendery. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
Oh, and he may have brought an IED with him. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
His hobby is digging them out of the ground to show us. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
-Really? -Yeah. It's weird. You know, we have the same hobby and yet | 0:02:50 | 0:02:54 | |
I still don't like him. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
Now, off you fuck. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
Sorry, Ahmed. The captain's busy. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
Well, this is OK. The two of us, we can work together. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
I wish to ensure the safe disposal of these land mines. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:12 | |
OK... | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
Good, but we'd prefer it if you'd just leave them where you... | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
Shit! Stop! Don't throw them around! That is TNT coming out! | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
Chillax it, mate. They're old! | 0:03:25 | 0:03:26 | |
If they were going to go pop, they would have gone by now. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
Am I right? | 0:03:29 | 0:03:30 | |
Listen, you total bell... | 0:03:32 | 0:03:33 | |
You totally believe... | 0:03:35 | 0:03:39 | |
that you're doing the right thing, but it's probably best if we just | 0:03:39 | 0:03:43 | |
place them carefully in the pit while trying to keep them level. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:48 | |
-OK? -OK. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:49 | |
-Shit! -Best of both worlds, mate. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:54 | |
I throw them to you, you place them carefully in the pit! | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
OK? | 0:03:57 | 0:03:58 | |
KNOCKING | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
Mary, you look more fragrant than ever. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
-I'm not showing the minister around. -Oh, come on, Mary! | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
I've got 1,023 more important things to do than babysit a PONTI for | 0:04:07 | 0:04:11 | |
the next five hours. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:12 | |
So have I... What did you call him? PONTI? | 0:04:12 | 0:04:15 | |
P-O-N-T-I. Person Of No Tactical Importance. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
Well, that's about right. Because if I have to look after him, | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
I'll end up punching the Tory twat in his stupid Tory face. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
-Wow! Did not see that one coming! -Bloody Tories, cutting benefits, | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
cutting taxes for the rich and cutting the Army. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
And taking the Lib Dems down with them. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
Well, You're foxy when you're cross. We should talk politics more often. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
Let's have a steamy night in and talk about foreign policy. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
-Nick! This does actually matter. -Sure it does. -It does! | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
No, I'm agreeing. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:41 | |
No, you're not. Anyway, who do you vote for? | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
-You do vote, right? -Yeah, I vote. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
I voted for... Who was the hot girl on X Factor? | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
HELICOPTER APPROACHES | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
Bye, Nick. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
Sir, in view of recent events, | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
I would like to volunteer to be the fire safety officer for the base. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
Fine. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:11 | |
I'm ideal for the job because I'm used to pre-empting danger with... | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
I said "fine". Talk to CQMS. He might have some equipment... | 0:05:14 | 0:05:18 | |
-Sir. -..or a special hat. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
Why do ministers insist on visiting Afghanistan? | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
Why don't they just watch Ross Kemp, like everyone else? | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
And they always drive off the heli in a natty little Land Rover. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:42 | |
I'm a lieutenant colonel and I don't have a natty little Land Rover. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:46 | |
Are you saying you want a Land Rover, sir? | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
What's the first rule? Get a Land Rover. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
See? | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
Good morning, Colonel. I'm the minister. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
Don't take the fucking piss, mate. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
I think I know who the Secretary of State for Defence is. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
Uh, I'm the Minister for the Armed Forces? Colin Walters? | 0:06:13 | 0:06:17 | |
Welcome to the base, sir. Please excuse my earlier comments. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
Don't worry, it happens all the time. I'm new! | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
Lieutenant Colonel Smith. This is Captain Medhurst, | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
who has generously volunteered to look after you for | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
the few hours that we're delighted you could spend with us. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
Much obliged. Ooh, Tim, write these names down, please. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:34 | |
-Uh, this is Corporal House, sir. -Sir. -House. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
-And Corporal Bird, sir. -Bird. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
Lance Corporal Simon Lansley. Fire safety officer. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:43 | |
Which as you can see is going very well. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Minister, can I get you a brew? | 0:06:46 | 0:06:48 | |
-Yes, a brew would be lovely. -Thank you. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
So, Jenny got moved to Transport, Neil got done for expenses, | 0:07:00 | 0:07:04 | |
and the next thing was, | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
I got a call saying, "Fancy being Minister for the Armed Forces?" | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
What an inspiring story. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:12 | |
It's quite funny when you think about it. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
I wasn't even a Cub Scout. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:15 | |
And it's all one big game of Cubs out here. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
Aye. Dib, dib, dib. Step, step, bang! | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
Oh, sorry... No, I... Look, I really need to see the full picture. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:25 | |
I need to see the grit. The muck. The danger. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
Sir, I've been tasked with keeping you out of harm's way so I... | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
No, no, no... I want to be in harm's way. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
Yeah, it's just I hear that getting your legs blown off | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
isn't quite as fun as you'd first imagine. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
What I meant was... | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
I just want to see something go bang, but you're right. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
What I'm really here for is to find out what you guys want from us. Tim? | 0:07:44 | 0:07:49 | |
-Better food. -Yes. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
-Oh, more food. -Relocation of the entire war to Tuscany. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:55 | |
Ha! That's good, that's good. Don't write that down, Tim. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
Maybe you could show me around the base, hmm, | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
and then we'll see where we get to? | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
We'll just get to a different bit of the base? | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
Ooh, ah, boss. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
Permission to deliver a fire safety lecture at a suitable time... | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
Denied. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:12 | |
"In case of emergency shout, 'Fire, fire, fire.' " Sounds reasonable. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:16 | |
Except in a war zone, where we all have weapons. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
Oh, yes! Good point. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
Thank you, Fire Officer Lansley. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
Who took...? No. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:28 | |
Oh, hi, Mary. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
I literally had no idea you'd be in here. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
Ah, the padre in the chapel - what are the chances(?) | 0:08:35 | 0:08:37 | |
Look, if it's about that Tory twat again, I've already told you... Oh! | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
-Gosh! Hello! -Hello! | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
-Rev Mary Greenstock. -Nice to meet you. I'm Colin Wal... | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
Walters, yes, I know, yes, Lib Dem member for Croydon West. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:49 | |
What's all this? You know him, then? Oi-oi! | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
No, no, no, not personally. Well, I wish! | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
No, I mean, I know your work. I know your work. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:59 | |
He's a Methodist lay preacher and tireless social justice campaigner. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:03 | |
Good news, Minister, we appear to have flushed out your stalker. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:07 | |
Oh! Stalker! | 0:09:07 | 0:09:09 | |
By the way, the photo on your website doesn't do you justice. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
Seriously? | 0:09:14 | 0:09:16 | |
Oh, well, I'm sure that if the chaplains' department wanted someone | 0:09:16 | 0:09:21 | |
to put on their, er, website, they couldn't do better than you, Padre. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:25 | |
Minister... Look, why don't I show the minister around? | 0:09:27 | 0:09:32 | |
Because I think Nick must have 1,023 things to do. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
No, actually, no. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
Boss, we've got a shout on suspected IED in Yellow 15. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
-1,024 now. -You must go. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
No hurry. The bomb'll still be there. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:46 | |
But what if somebody steps on it? | 0:09:46 | 0:09:47 | |
Then it won't be there. Problem solved. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
Fine... I'll do the bomb. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
Ooh! When we get back, let's eat the rest of that meat. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
No more barbecues! That's an order from the fire safety officer. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:14 | |
But we've still got three-quarters of our goat left, | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
-and it's no' that nice raw. -I don't care! No more barbecues! | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
What if...we didn't cook it on a barbecue... | 0:10:23 | 0:10:27 | |
You want tandoor? | 0:10:28 | 0:10:29 | |
What's a tandoor? | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
A clay oven. Very hot fire. Bury it in the ground. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:35 | |
Kebabs - delicious. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
-We should get that. -I find one for you. We shall agree. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
-100 dollars. -I'll give you 20. -Done. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
What was that? What were you selling him? | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
BOTH: Porn. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:47 | |
Right, Towerblock, this device is very unstable, | 0:10:49 | 0:10:54 | |
so I think we're going to have to blow it in situ. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
But what about collecting evidence for forensics? | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
Fine, if we have to. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
But gotta work fast cos we're losing the light. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:06 | |
Yeah, good point. It does always get dark around noon(!) | 0:11:06 | 0:11:11 | |
At least I think is says noon. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
The sun's so blindingly bright I can't quite... | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
Yes, all right. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:17 | |
I have to get back to get that PONTI away from Mary. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:19 | |
-Ah. -Probably too late. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:22 | |
He'll be bending her over the altar as we speak. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
-I'm saying they're fucking. -Yes, all right! | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
-Boss, I see movement. -Something is happening. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
Glad we're paying extra for detail. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
GUNSHOTS | 0:11:32 | 0:11:34 | |
Do not engage until we PID. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Do not engage until PID. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:45 | |
Contact. Wait out. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:46 | |
Who the fuck is that? | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
-Do not engage! -It's Ahmed! -I thought he...? | 0:11:49 | 0:11:53 | |
Oh, fucking hell! | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
Ahmed, stop shooting your fucking gun! | 0:11:55 | 0:12:00 | |
Taliban! | 0:12:00 | 0:12:01 | |
HE SHOUTS IN ARABIC | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
He says the Taliban can lick his balls! | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
I can see them. The Taliban - not his balls. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
Tree line - two o'clock. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
Ahmed, you have to stop doing this! | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
But, Bluestoners, I came to help my new friend, Towerblock! | 0:12:28 | 0:12:33 | |
We make an awesome team. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:35 | |
There we go, Towerblock. Some training on handling locals. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
Why don't you outline the rules of engagement to Ahmed | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
so I don't have to punch him in the face? | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Er, OK, Ahmed, if you want to get involved, you need to join the ANA. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:51 | |
Ahmed, why don't you share your views | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
on the Afghan National Army with Towerblock here? | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
They can lick my balls! | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
He seems really keen on people licking his balls. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
Maybe he doesn't have a shower. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:02 | |
What you're doing fucks up the rules of engagement. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:06 | |
We need positive ID before we return fire. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
This is what I like about the British. They are all about jokes! | 0:13:10 | 0:13:14 | |
My most favourite comedian is Michael McIntyre. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:18 | |
And what's our favourite joke of his? | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
Oh! The first time I heard him, I thought, yes! | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
I, too, have man drawer! | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
And...what do you keep in it? | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
Grenades. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
Course you do! | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
See? A massive end of a gigantic bell. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:35 | |
-Sir! -Hi, Nick. -Padre. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
Sir, if I could peel you off Mary for just one moment. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:48 | |
I'm about to conduct a logistical demolition and I wondered if you | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
would like to spend your last hour with us watching something go bang? | 0:13:51 | 0:13:55 | |
Ooh. That sounds good. Mary, do you mind? | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
No, of course not. No, no, no... You're the boss. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
Literally. Sorry. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
No, I'm just the Minister for the Armed Forces. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
I can't even start a war. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:08 | |
Well, that's something. Shall we? | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
Ah, Private, could you hop out so I can borrow this vehicle? | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
Er...no, sir. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
I beg your pardon? | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
This vehicle is for the exclusive use of the minster, sir. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:32 | |
The minister's not here, is he? | 0:14:32 | 0:14:33 | |
So, be a good chap and hop out, Private. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:36 | |
Sorry, sir. Specific orders from Brigade HQ. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:40 | |
Well, I'm a lieutenant colonel, so just... | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
-put those orders to one side. Temporarily. -Sorry, sir. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:45 | |
Can't I just have a tiny go in it? | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
A tiny, tiny go? | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
Please? Come on, please? Superior office, please? | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
You've made yourself a powerful enemy, Private. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
That should do it. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:30 | |
Boss, the colonel said to keep him out of harm's way. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
This is out of harm's way...ish. And it's out of Mary's way. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:36 | |
I saw how much serviceable explosive you used. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
-They're going to hear this in Kabul. -Fuck it! | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
I've got to stop him slithering into Mary's affections | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
like some kind of tiresome, parasitic worm. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
Right. Time for some fireworks. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
I mean the safe disposal of ordnance in a controlled environment. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
Can I press the button?! Can I press the button?! | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
Towerblock, we have guests! | 0:15:57 | 0:15:59 | |
Sorry. Sir, would you like to press the button? | 0:15:59 | 0:16:03 | |
Yes, please! | 0:16:03 | 0:16:04 | |
Everyone in cover! | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
Stand by. Controlled explosion in seconds one zero. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:11 | |
-Ten... -Sir, if you just wait for the countdown... | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
-..nine... -..then push those two together. -..eight, | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
-seven, six, five... -Should have a bit of a kick. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
I bumped up the donor charges by 10%. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
..four, three, two... | 0:16:21 | 0:16:23 | |
But I already did that. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
-..one. BOTH: -Oh, shit -Firing! | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
Oh, yes! | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
HE CHEERS | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
-Woo-hoo! -So, Minister, this is what we do. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
-Wow! Fantastic. -Shame you can't stay any longer. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:46 | |
We could've taken you out in the field with us. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
-Do you really mean that? -Course! | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
Tim, cancel my meetings for tomorrow. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:54 | |
I'm staying with Bluestone 42. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
Oops. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:02 | |
And how long does he think he's staying for? A week? A lunar month? | 0:17:02 | 0:17:06 | |
-Well, I hope it's... -Shut up! | 0:17:06 | 0:17:07 | |
Medhurst, you are without doubt one of the least professional officers | 0:17:07 | 0:17:11 | |
I've ever had the misfortune to meet. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
And I've been on joint ops with the French! | 0:17:13 | 0:17:15 | |
Sir, he did specifically request to see a controlled demolition. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:18 | |
Oh, then since you're in a generous mood, I'm specifically requesting | 0:17:18 | 0:17:22 | |
that you baby-sit that tiresome clot until he leaves, at which point, | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
-you will be on shit-burning duty for the next six months. -Sir. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
Now, if you'd be so kind as to shut the door | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
as you get the fuck out of my office? | 0:17:30 | 0:17:31 | |
Is it ready yet? | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
We've got to keep it at 400 degrees. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
Wood. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:53 | |
Paraffin. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:56 | |
Can I smell burning? | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
Cookhouse, Skip. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
It smells like a barbecue. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
Aye, aye! It does a bit, doesn't it? | 0:18:19 | 0:18:22 | |
I cannae see a barbecue, though, Skip. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:28 | |
Must just be the cookhouse. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:29 | |
Fuck! | 0:18:32 | 0:18:33 | |
Why is the ground on fire?! Fire! | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
Watch out! No, no, no. That's paraffin! | 0:18:36 | 0:18:41 | |
-Ow, ow. -Right, get that put out. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
I'm going to seek medical advice. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:46 | |
Right. I'm up to my chin in shit with the colonel. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
That shit is rapidly rising. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:54 | |
If we can't get rid of this PONTI, | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
the shit's going to go above my head | 0:18:56 | 0:18:58 | |
and I'm going to be swimming in shit. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
Towerblock, I need you to call your bezza, Ahmed. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
-He's not my bezza. -He's a bellend. You'll see. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
Whatever. At least he's reliably deranged. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
What you've got to do is, you've got to tell him to bring in something | 0:19:07 | 0:19:10 | |
that looks like a massive device, so the PONTI is evacuated. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:15 | |
You know, like a couple of palm oil containers, | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
flour sacks taped together in the back of his car, bit of old wire. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:20 | |
That's a terrible idea. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:21 | |
The gate guards won't just let him drive it in. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
Everyone watched Zero Dark Thirty last week | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
and that's exactly what happened in that. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
Is it? Which bit? | 0:19:28 | 0:19:29 | |
The bit where they drive the car bomb into the base. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:35 | |
Oh. Yeah. That's my favourite bit. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
I never saw it. Was it any good? | 0:19:38 | 0:19:39 | |
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
Erm, can we just focus here, please? | 0:19:41 | 0:19:42 | |
We will tell the gate guards that he's just been cleared | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
as a locally employed civilian. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
You will then pretend to check the car then wave him through. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
-OK, boss, if you're sure. -Yeah! | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
Just tell him we need something that looks just like a massive device. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
-Massive device, but not real. -Obviously not real. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
Holy fucking shit! Are you fucking insane? | 0:20:02 | 0:20:07 | |
I asked for a fake device. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
I know, but I found a real one, mate, so brought you that instead. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:14 | |
And you didn't think to tell us that | 0:20:14 | 0:20:15 | |
before we let you drive the fucking thing in here?! | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
-I could drive it out again? -It's not safe! | 0:20:18 | 0:20:22 | |
It might be? | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
Everything all right. Looks good, doesn't it? | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
There's a reason for that. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
Oh, shit! | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
I thought you searched the car? | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
I pretended to search the car. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
Yes, but while you were pretending to search the car, I thought that | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
you might have noticed... Doesn't matter, it's too late now. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:43 | |
Get my kit. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:45 | |
We'll set up an ICP over there and evacuate to the perimeter | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
and we'll just tell everyone there's a suspicious-looking device | 0:20:48 | 0:20:53 | |
-in the car. OK? -Yeah, OK. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:58 | |
What am I going to do? | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
Not smoke! Bellend! | 0:21:00 | 0:21:03 | |
-So, are we on? -Yes. Slight development. The bomb is real. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
-It's a real bomb. -ALL: What?! | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
I thought it was a fake bomb. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:15 | |
-Yeah. So did I. Turns out it's a real one. -Hang on. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
If the bomb that was meant to be fake is actually real, | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
then nothing's changed. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:22 | |
There's no trouble. We still evacuate him. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
Everything's OK. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:26 | |
Yes, Simon - everything's OK, apart from the socking great bomb, | 0:21:26 | 0:21:30 | |
right there, that could flatten out most of the base. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
-Oh, yeah. -Good morning, chaps! Has anyone seen the padre? | 0:21:34 | 0:21:37 | |
Nope. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:38 | |
I hope I didn't frighten her off! Is everything all right? | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
This some sort of drill? | 0:21:41 | 0:21:43 | |
Funny story, Minister. That is | 0:21:43 | 0:21:44 | |
if you like stories that end with, | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
"There's a bomb in that car!" | 0:21:46 | 0:21:49 | |
A bomb? | 0:21:53 | 0:21:54 | |
-Is it going to go off? -No. Milk goes off. Cheese goes off. | 0:21:56 | 0:22:00 | |
Bombs function, detonate or destroy the entire base. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:05 | |
But what is it even doing in the base? | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
-Haven't you seen Zero Dark Thirty? -Aye. It was shite. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:10 | |
THEY CHATTER | 0:22:10 | 0:22:11 | |
Yes, all right! To sum up - it's a firm three stars. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
I'm sorry, Minister, but I'm afraid we're going to have to get you in a heli while I do a render safe. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:18 | |
I already took the liberty of ordering you one. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
It's the Afghan Air Force, so good luck. Shall we wait over here? | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
Right. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:26 | |
Let's hope I can sort this quickly before the colonel finds out. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:30 | |
Oh. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:31 | |
Might just be me, but it seems this whole area is being evacuated. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:35 | |
Sir, if I can explain? That car... | 0:22:35 | 0:22:36 | |
Don't drive a fucking car bomb into the fucking base! | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
That's not even the first rule, it's so fucking obvious. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:43 | |
-Sir. -Deal with that, then come and see me. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
I'm going to personally make sure that you are moved to | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
the shittiest desk job in the Army, | 0:22:48 | 0:22:49 | |
where even the desk is made of shit. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
Awkward! | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
How long until the chopper gets here? | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
I really want to say goodbye to Mary before I leave. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
-Oh, feel free to pop out, sir, and find her. -Oh, really? | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
Yeah, just take a left at the car bomb. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
Hey, Bluestoners! | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
No cigarettes in here! This is live ammunition. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
Would a joint be OK? I feel kinda tense. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:26 | |
RADIO CHATTER | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
Roger that. Taxi for the minister. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:31 | |
Thank God! | 0:23:31 | 0:23:33 | |
I can't take any positive action while the heli's there. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
-Tell him he's clear to land. -Boss. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
Are we safe here? | 0:23:58 | 0:23:59 | |
How d'ye mean, safe? | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
If the bomb were to detonate, what would happen? | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
-What, here? -Yeah. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
We'd die. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
Aye. Definitely. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:11 | |
Die. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:12 | |
Shit! | 0:24:14 | 0:24:16 | |
Let's do this. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:48 | |
OK, Towerblock, you can sound the all clear. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:04 | |
ALARM BLARES | 0:25:04 | 0:25:06 | |
Nick, this wasn't all just to get that PONTI away from me, was it? | 0:25:13 | 0:25:19 | |
-No? -So, you normally let car bombs onto the base, do you? | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
One showing of Zero Dark Thirty and suddenly everyone's an expert! | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
Well, if it was to get rid of him, you needn't have bothered. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:28 | |
Last night he told me he's about to defect to the Tories, | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
just to keep his majority at the next election. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
I thought he had principles. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:35 | |
-It's just another Greenstock hope dashed. -Sorry. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:39 | |
-No, you're not. -No, you're right. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:42 | |
So you didn't shag him, then? | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
All done? | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
Yeah. Look, as much fun as this has been, I think I'm going to be | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
back in the UK before the minister. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
The colonel wants to make a bag-for-life out of my arse. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
That's odd, | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
because you may have noticed that the minister was evacuated | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
in a heli rather smaller than the one that brought him in here. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:05 | |
Too small, in fact, to fit that in it. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
No, oh, no, no! This is not safe! Get this all cleared up! | 0:26:17 | 0:26:20 | |
-Aw, come on. -We're having our morning shish! -Where is he? | 0:26:20 | 0:26:24 | |
Sir? | 0:26:24 | 0:26:25 | |
That utterly useless soon-to-be-Lieutenant Medhurst. He seems... | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
-CAR HORN BEEPS -Sir. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
What, erm... It's a Land Rover. | 0:26:30 | 0:26:34 | |
So it is, sir. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:37 | |
So it is. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:40 | |
Thank you, Captain Medhurst, I knew I could rely on you | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
and Bluestone 42. Carry on. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:47 | |
Yumbles. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:54 | |
You know what, Towerblock, | 0:26:56 | 0:26:58 | |
you should really have searched that car better. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
I'd left all these grenades in the glove box. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
Right. | 0:27:05 | 0:27:06 | |
Give 'em here - I'll put them in the pit by the gate. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:09 | |
No. It's OK, mate. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:10 | |
I'll put them in the pit by the gate. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:14 | |
No, not in the pit by the gate. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:17 | |
In the pit by the gate. | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
Sure. Funny. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:21 | |
Ahmed, you fucking bellend, just do what I... | 0:27:21 | 0:27:24 | |
Thank you! | 0:27:31 | 0:27:32 | |
Not by the grenades! | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
Fire! Fire! Fire! | 0:27:42 | 0:27:46 |