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This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:09 | |
OK, Towerblock. Don't take it personally but I'm going off comms. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:14 | |
-RADIO: -'Boss.' | 0:00:14 | 0:00:16 | |
Hello. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:29 | |
GUNSHOTS | 0:00:33 | 0:00:34 | |
GUNSHOT | 0:00:36 | 0:00:37 | |
GUNSHOT | 0:00:50 | 0:00:51 | |
Bloody Hell! | 0:00:57 | 0:00:58 | |
ROCK MUSIC | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
COMPUTER GAME: 'Get down, soldier. We need your help.' | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
Shoot him in the face! | 0:01:31 | 0:01:35 | |
'Nice shooting, private.' | 0:01:35 | 0:01:36 | |
He'll need that looked at. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
Hey, guys. Ooh! So what's this? | 0:01:38 | 0:01:42 | |
Crisps. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
Oh, the game? Metal Patrol III. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
It's brilliant. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:48 | |
Right. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:49 | |
So what, you just run around and shoot people? | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
No, more complicated than that. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
You have to collect stuff. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
Aye, it's running around shooting people. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
Looks pretty easy. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
Just saying. Uh...cos we're soldiers. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
It's what we do. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:10 | |
So you're saying that if someone were shit at this, | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
that'd mean they were a bad soldier? | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
No, no. You know, marksmanship, reflexes... | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
There's got to be some link. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
OK, Mr Reflexes. Let's see what you're made of. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:27 | |
I don't want to cut in... | 0:02:27 | 0:02:28 | |
REME guy can wait. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
-Hey, I've got a name. -Sorry. Screwhole can wait. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
-Thank you. -And Rocket's banned. He's too good. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
So... | 0:02:37 | 0:02:38 | |
All right! | 0:02:41 | 0:02:42 | |
You ready, skip? | 0:02:44 | 0:02:45 | |
Ooh, born ready. Vigilant. Always. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
-It's started. -Right. Shhh. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
-COMPUTER GAME: -'OK, let's get over that ridge and kick some ass!' -Ooh wait, wait, wait. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
Are we on the same team or playing against each other? | 0:02:52 | 0:02:55 | |
-'Mission failed!' -What? No! | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
-Against each other. -He's Taliban. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
Right. Fuck's sake. Go again! | 0:02:59 | 0:03:03 | |
-'OK, let's get over that ridge and kick some ass!' -Yeeeeeaaaah! Death or glory! | 0:03:03 | 0:03:07 | |
'Mission failed.' | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
Death. Screwhole's turn. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
No, bollocks to him! Go on! | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
'OK, let's get over that ridge and kick some ass!' | 0:03:15 | 0:03:20 | |
Nicholas Medhurst. How are things with you? | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
Yeah, good. Nearly got shot. Simon saved my life again. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:31 | |
-No biggy. -Wow! Are you OK? | 0:03:31 | 0:03:35 | |
-Yeah, I'm pretty much repressing it. -Nick? | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
I know it's going to come back to haunt my nightmares | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
in a year or two but I'm just going to make light of it until then. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
Nick, seriously, you don't sound OK. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
No, I do have some residual tension. Some unrelieved residual tension. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:50 | |
I'm not sure I like where this is going. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
Where do you think this is going? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
I think you're probably going to ask for a hand job or something. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:58 | |
Before I choose, what's the something? | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
Do you know, I do actually quite like my job. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
So I'm not going to throw it away so I can touch your penis. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
OK, OK, I'm sorry. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:10 | |
-OK? I did nearly die in a big pipe this morning. -OK. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:15 | |
How are you feeling? | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
I could really use a hand job. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
You brought it up! | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
Oof! Oh! | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
What a lovely way to unwind after some war. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
Stupid, stupid game. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
Do you fancy a brew? | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
Boss, if you want me to make a brew for you, you can just ask, | 0:04:44 | 0:04:47 | |
instead of dressing it up like a Rupert. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
Cool! Brew please. I'm off to the ammo store. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:53 | |
I am sick of being given the run-around by officers. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
I mean, how do Ruperts get you to agree to do everything for 'em? | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
Intelligence? A winning smile? The basic chain of command? | 0:04:59 | 0:05:04 | |
Courtesy of Towerblock. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
I presume he spat in it. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
Probably. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:15 | |
Oi. Oi. Oi, Bird, Bird. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:18 | |
I want to talk to you about Mary. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:19 | |
Do you mean you're going to crap on about Mary | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
while I pretend to listen? | 0:05:22 | 0:05:23 | |
She basically offered me a hand job, and then didn't give me a hand job. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:28 | |
Yeah, I expect that's exactly what happened. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
I still haven't had sexual intercourse with her. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:33 | |
What am I going to do? | 0:05:33 | 0:05:34 | |
Mmm. OK. New idea. Try... | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
Stop fucking going on about it! | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
-What? -"Oh, Mary won't sleep with me. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
"Do you think she likes me? | 0:05:42 | 0:05:43 | |
"Was she checking me out when I had my top off?" | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
Boss. Please. Fuck her, or fuck off! | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
Well, in fairness, I am trying to. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Corporal House. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
Sir. How's the new Land Rover? That's the 1.5, isn't it? | 0:06:02 | 0:06:05 | |
Yes. It's a classic. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
Shame it's not wired for sound but you can't have everything. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
It gets me from A to...just next to A. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
So I don't really need, say...an iPod dock. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:16 | |
-Well, you could easily fit one. -Really? -Yeah. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
It's the sort of thing that REME'd say is beyond their capability | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
-but you know what they're like. -No. No, I won't hear of it, I'm sure you're far too busy. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:25 | |
Honestly, sir. Two-hour job tops. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
Well. If you're absolutely determined... Carry on! | 0:06:28 | 0:06:33 | |
# I'm wired for sound... # | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
KNOCK ON DOOR | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
Afternoon, Padre. Everything all right? | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
Hi, Bird. Fine. Yeah, and you? | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
Can I ask you a question? About the Bible. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:47 | |
Go on. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:48 | |
What does the Bible teach about hand jobs? | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
What! Ah, OK, you've been talking to Nick. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
When do you think he's going to stop trying to have sex with me? | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
Directly after you've had sex with him. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
-That's very funny. -Right, Nick's permanent hard-on for you is | 0:06:58 | 0:07:02 | |
because of your unavailability. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:03 | |
-So it's not because of my looks or my personality? -Doubt it. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
So, why don't you just cut to the chase, and fuck him. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:10 | |
I'm not going to...er, have sex with him, | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
just to stop him trying to have sex with me. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
What, so you don't fancy Nick at all? | 0:07:15 | 0:07:19 | |
I wouldn't say not at all. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:20 | |
I fancy him a little bit. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
Really? God. I am genuinely shocked. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:27 | |
A very little bit and I'm not going there. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
OK, to be honest, if you were to come on to Nick in any way, | 0:07:29 | 0:07:33 | |
he would probably run a mile. Seriously. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
No. Really? | 0:07:36 | 0:07:37 | |
-Mmm-hmm. -Do you think? But then what if he doesn't? | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
Because I don't know if I could do that. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
But then if it worked.... Surely it's not that simple. Or is it? | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
-Maybe it is. -Do you know the term "internal monologue"? | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
What? Oh! Yes, sorry! | 0:07:48 | 0:07:50 | |
DRUM'N'BASS MUSIC | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
Whoop! For the streets, for the kids, for the crew! Towerblock. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:05 | |
What? Fancy a game of Metal Patrol III? | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
You're never going to beat Mac. And I'm busy anyway. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
-What are you doing? -Just allying up the Colonel's Land Rover. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
-We've all been there. -You what? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Let me guess, he didn't actually ask you outright. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
No, but I...I like messing around with cars. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:22 | |
Oh, bloody hell! | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
-I've been given the run-around again? -Yes. He knows everyone's weak spot. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:29 | |
He had me making goat's cheese. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
Right, well, in that case, this can all come out again. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:35 | |
Yeah, that's what happened to the goat's cheese. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
KNOCK ON DOOR | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Hi, Nick. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:50 | |
Hot, isn't it? | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
Quite mild, actually. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:56 | |
Well. I think it's almost, um, too hot. | 0:08:56 | 0:09:00 | |
Ooh, hello. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
-Mary, are you... -Shhhhhh! | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
You don't talk. I talk. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:09 | |
There's something I want from you, Nick. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
Something I've wanted for a long time. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
I'm not coming to church. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:17 | |
I don't want you to come to church, Nick. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:21 | |
Well, I do want you to come to church, just not now. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:24 | |
I'm a woman. You're a man. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
Looking at a woman. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
Who's looking at a man. Mmm. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
So you're saying that we're looking at each other. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:38 | |
Yes. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:39 | |
Yeah. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
Do you like what you see? | 0:09:41 | 0:09:43 | |
I do. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
Then take me, Nick. Take me now. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
I'm all yours. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
Really? | 0:09:50 | 0:09:51 | |
Yeah. You and me. Sexy times. Right here. Right now. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:56 | |
-Come on. -Sexy times? | 0:09:56 | 0:09:57 | |
-Chop, chop! -Chop chop? | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
Let's have the sex you keep going on about. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
Yeah, I'm going to go back to "really"? | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
Come on, Mary, what is it about this whole scenario | 0:10:04 | 0:10:07 | |
that doesn't quite ring true? | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
Uh... | 0:10:09 | 0:10:10 | |
Oh, yeah, I know what it is. The whole scenario. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:13 | |
After the way you've described me. To my face. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
Sex pest. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
Just forget about all that. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:19 | |
-Walking erection. -Yes, all right. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
Spurting jizz monkey. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
Nope, you're right. That was Bird. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
But you know the first thing they teach you at ATO school? | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
It's to look for the presence of the abnormal. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:33 | |
And there is nothing more abnormal than YOU | 0:10:33 | 0:10:37 | |
doing this. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:40 | |
So if you don't mind - no, thanks. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
You are kidding, right? | 0:10:43 | 0:10:45 | |
I just don't like the atmospherics. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
Fine. Well, you had your chance. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:51 | |
I'm not sure I did. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
Yes, come on. Die you little fucker! | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
Shit, shit, shit... Yes! | 0:11:09 | 0:11:11 | |
'Nice shooting, private.' | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
Rocket launcher... oh! | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
A rocket launcher at that range? The blast'll kill you. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
-Sir? -Up late, Corporal. Not like you to be playing silly games. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:22 | |
The, er, game...will develop...skills? | 0:11:22 | 0:11:27 | |
Whatever. Let's shoot some grunts. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
Sir. Er, the Allies, er, or the Taliban? | 0:11:30 | 0:11:34 | |
Ooh, Taliban! | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
And, er, away we go. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
'Clear the village and head up the valley.' | 0:11:41 | 0:11:45 | |
'The village is full of Taliban. Be on guard!' | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
'Mission failed!' | 0:11:52 | 0:11:53 | |
So. Turns out you CAN use a rocket launcher from that range. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:59 | |
Ah, well. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:02 | |
Search team nearly done, boss. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
-Thank you, Sergeant Hogg. -Oi, Simon. You all right? | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
-You look fucked. -Yeah, I'm all right. OK. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
Have you been up all night? | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
Maybe. Although, I did finally complete the bomb factory level. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:26 | |
The big bomb factory in the city? | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
There's a city? What? | 0:12:29 | 0:12:30 | |
Ha-ha! He knows nothing. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:33 | |
Yeah, well, we'll see how much I know when I fuck you up. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:37 | |
In the game. Sorry. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:40 | |
Oi, Bird. A word. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
You know Mary... | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
She's being very weird. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
Seriously. Last night, she threw herself at me. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
She came into my quarters and she demanded "sexy times". | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
-I mean, what does she want, Bird? -Presumably she wants...sexy times. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:04 | |
Oh, come on. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:05 | |
I'm the editor of the Sexy Times. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
I think if she was interested, she would have subscribed by now. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
-Well, she did finally admit she fancies you. -What? | 0:13:10 | 0:13:14 | |
OK, all yours, boss. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
-Wait! When was this? -Yesterday. -And you didn't tell me immediately? | 0:13:16 | 0:13:20 | |
Well, it's not like you need extra encouragement to pester her for a shag, is it? | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
So last night...that was my chance? | 0:13:23 | 0:13:27 | |
Shit! | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
Fuck! | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
-Boss? -All right! | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
If I get blown up down there having not shagged Mary, I'm going to be... | 0:13:37 | 0:13:42 | |
..really annoyed. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:43 | |
Right, I've got some serious pastoral...shagging to discuss. | 0:13:54 | 0:14:00 | |
S'later. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:01 | |
Yes, boss. And hope you get "past oral". | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
So. Metal Patrol? Are you ready? | 0:14:04 | 0:14:08 | |
Or do you need a few more weeks' practice? | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
Oh, I am as ready...as... an oven-ready chicken. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:15 | |
Plucked, giblets out. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:18 | |
And this isn't giving the effect I was going for. Let's go! | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
Corporal. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
Sir. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:30 | |
So the iPod dock was a no-no, then? Shame. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:33 | |
Yeah, well I'm sorry, sir. I've just had enough of being given... | 0:14:33 | 0:14:36 | |
I mean, I er... I didn't have enough time. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
Mmm. Probably for the best. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:40 | |
REME were livid about you pissing on their patch, to be honest. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:44 | |
Well, with respect sir, | 0:14:44 | 0:14:45 | |
I wouldn't let those nut fuckers near my lawn mower. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
They reckon a decent stereo system's impossible, anyway. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
REME said that? | 0:14:50 | 0:14:51 | |
Honestly, sir, that is just typical of those utter... | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
But they are keen to install a few safety features. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
Roll-bars. That sort of thing. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
Reckon they can do them within a fortnight. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
A fortnight? You could do that in an afternoon. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:05 | |
Well, REME don't seem to think so. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
You must have a gift for this sort of thing. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
Such a shame you don't have the time. Oh, well. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:13 | |
Carry on. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:14 | |
-Oh, hi, Nick. -Hi, Mary. -So, how was the... | 0:15:18 | 0:15:22 | |
Wait! Hang on, this isn't what I wanted! | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
-Isn't it? -No! -A little bird tell me it IS what you want. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
Actually, Bird tells me it's what you want. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
Yes, because I want it to stop! | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
Do you fancy me or not? | 0:15:32 | 0:15:33 | |
Of course I fancy you! You're hot, you're tall, you look good in uniform | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
-and you're incredibly brave. -Wow! I fancy me now. -Oh, you've always fancied you. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:40 | |
-Well, I'm sure I can find room in my heart for both of us. -No! Stop. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:44 | |
-Bird said if I came on to you you'd run a mile! -She what? | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
She's trying to push us together! | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
Well, good old Bird, eh? | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
No. Bad. Bad old Bird. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:52 | |
Are you sure? Because I thought that this bit... | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
..was very nice indeed. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
Stop that. Where is she? | 0:16:01 | 0:16:04 | |
I'm going to give her a serious talking to. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:09 | |
Like she'll give a shit. Look, we should actually do something to get back at her. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
-Ger our revenge properly. -Keep talking. | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
OK. So what would piss Bird off more than anything else? | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
I've often wondered that. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
We should actually sleep together. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
No. We need to teach her a lesson. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:23 | |
Yes, by actually sleeping together! | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
Look, Nick. I promise you that is not on the table. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
OK. We won't do it on a table. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:29 | |
What if we act all lovey-dovey in front of her? | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
She'll hate that. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:36 | |
-Hmm. S'pose. -Let's do it. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
By "it", I hope you mean sexy times? | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
Again, no. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
OK. Well, if you change your mind. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
I'm hot, tall, look good in uniform and I'm incredibly brave. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:48 | |
Show yourself, you bastard! | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
Come and get me! Yoo-hoo! | 0:16:53 | 0:16:57 | |
Wow! You's been playing that for two hours. | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
Who are you, my mum? | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
Keep it covered! | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
Die, fuck face! | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
Daaaar! | 0:17:08 | 0:17:09 | |
Yes! | 0:17:09 | 0:17:11 | |
'Nice shooting, private!' | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
You snooze, you lose. Woooah! | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
So who's the best at Metal Patrol III, eh? | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
I am. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
Er, skip. Rocket's still the best. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:24 | |
If you want to be the best, you gotta beat him. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
Well, I'll need a kip first, but after that... | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
Chicken! Cluck, cluck, cluck! | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
Fine! Fine! Fine. Come on! | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
Want another square of chocolate, big bear? | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
I'd love one, snugglebums. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
-Mmm. -Mmm. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:51 | |
Hey, so what - are you two together now? | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
-Yep. -Is that really so hard to believe? | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
Well, A: he's way out of your league. | 0:17:56 | 0:18:00 | |
-Thanks, Bird. -And B: I'm supposed to believe that this is how you, | 0:18:00 | 0:18:04 | |
Nick Medhurst, behave when you're in a relationship? | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
Yeah, it is. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:08 | |
When I'm with my... | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
..schnookums. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
Ah! You two are rubbish at this. So unconvincing. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:18 | |
All right, see you later. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:19 | |
Rubbish. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:22 | |
Well, we tried. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:26 | |
She's gone. Sorry. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
COMPUTER GAME GUNFIRE | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
'Mission accomplished, soldier.' | 0:18:55 | 0:18:58 | |
Yes! Yes! Yes! In your stupid Scottish face! | 0:18:58 | 0:19:04 | |
Aye, well played, skip. Good game. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:07 | |
You said I couldn't win! | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
Well, fuck you, Mac, fuck you, Rocket, | 0:19:09 | 0:19:13 | |
and fuck all those guys over there. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
Sh! | 0:19:16 | 0:19:17 | |
I think I need to sit down. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
Rest the eyes. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:27 | |
Not today, thank you. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:33 | |
I thought I was pretty convincing. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
You totally over-egged it. Schnookums? | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
-You called me big bear. -Well, you're extremely tall! I was working with what I got. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:44 | |
-What are we going to do about our revenge for being messed about? -What about that? | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
-She's only going to believe it if she walks in on us. -OK, OK. So we get someone to send her over | 0:19:47 | 0:19:51 | |
and then we're snogging as she walks in. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
No. It's not enough. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
She has to walk in on us having sex. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
-Nick... -Pretending to have sex. Obviously. | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
I don't think that's a brilliant idea. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
OK. Look. She finds us over here, right? But she can't quite see what's going on properly | 0:20:02 | 0:20:07 | |
-because of the mosquito nets. -No, that's not believable. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
-Eh? -Well, the bed's not strong enough. Think about the repeated up-and-down motion. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:14 | |
Or...we could, you know, | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
go at it more gently, you know, like a kind of slow... | 0:20:17 | 0:20:21 | |
Yeah, but we're trying to convince her that we're in the early stages of our relationship, right? | 0:20:21 | 0:20:25 | |
-So we'd go at it pretty fast and hard, don't you think? -Yeah. Yeah, that's...probably more believable. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:30 | |
Yeah, I mean REALLY go to town on each other. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:33 | |
-Mmm. -I don't even think we'd use the bed. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
This is solid, right? | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
Ooh. There's only one way to find out. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:42 | |
Go on, lift me up. Or do you need a diagram? | 0:20:42 | 0:20:46 | |
Ooh! Ah. | 0:20:46 | 0:20:47 | |
Is that...is that believable? | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
Feels pretty believable to me. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:52 | |
-Yeah, I think that works. -Yup. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
-It doesn't give you much movement, though. -Probably enough. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
Yeah, but she'd expect you to be more in control. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:02 | |
Wouldn't you just... | 0:21:02 | 0:21:03 | |
..bend me over the desk? | 0:21:05 | 0:21:06 | |
I might be too tall. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
Have you got any heels? | 0:21:10 | 0:21:11 | |
Uh, bit dressy for Afghan, I find. Come on! | 0:21:11 | 0:21:15 | |
Mmm. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
Ah...yep. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:22 | |
Mmmm. Nick. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
Careful, Rocket. Careful! | 0:21:39 | 0:21:43 | |
It's like Buckaroo. I loved Buckaroo. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:45 | |
And Hungry Hippos. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:47 | |
Let's put plastic balls in his mouth. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
Or real ones. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:54 | |
Where's Nick? | 0:21:54 | 0:21:55 | |
-Reports just came back from the WISWO on that device. -WISWO! Sh! | 0:21:55 | 0:21:59 | |
-Nice job! -Cheers. I think Nick went to see the Padre. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:04 | |
Course he did. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
God, I wish they'd just fuck each other and get it over with. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:09 | |
It's too painful. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
LUSTFUL PANTING | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
Oh! | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
Ah! | 0:22:34 | 0:22:35 | |
Wait. Weren't we meant to get Bird to walk in on us? | 0:22:38 | 0:22:42 | |
-Yeah. Oh, shit. -Oh, shit. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
Oh, Nick. This was not a good idea. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
-Knock, knock! -Wait! -Wait! | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
Right, if you two are going to try and convince me of something, | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
it has to be plausible. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
So what, you just had sexy times on the desk in the middle of the afternoon? | 0:23:06 | 0:23:13 | |
Anyway, WIS report. | 0:23:13 | 0:23:16 | |
Aw, look, you've chucked books on the floor and everything. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:20 | |
All that effort wasted. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
Yeah, I can't believe we thought that would work. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
No. Yeah. Totally unbelievable. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:27 | |
Better luck next time, losers. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
RUBBISH! | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
HE MUMBLES | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
Har-har! | 0:24:05 | 0:24:06 | |
Tank! Tank! Shotgun, rifle, launcher! | 0:24:18 | 0:24:22 | |
Taaa-pow! | 0:24:28 | 0:24:29 | |
Ah! Game over! | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:36 | 0:24:37 | |
-Ah, mate! -Classic! | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
What! I need ammo, I need ammo for the er... | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
It's a hockey thing. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
You were sleepwalking, mate. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:46 | |
You snooze, you lose! | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
No, I wasn't! | 0:24:48 | 0:24:50 | |
-Rematch later? -Fuck off! | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
Ah. Roll-bar. iPod dock. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
Cocktail holder! | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
Coffee holder, sir. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
Of course. | 0:25:07 | 0:25:09 | |
DRUM'N'BASS MUSIC | 0:25:11 | 0:25:14 | |
Marvellous. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:15 | |
You, my friend, have just been played. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
No, no, no. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:27 | |
The Colonel THINKS that he's played me. But actually, I have played him. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:32 | |
You see, I did all that so I could get one over on REME. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
And I fuckin' owned those guys. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
Oh, yeah? | 0:25:37 | 0:25:38 | |
Oi! Screwhole! | 0:25:38 | 0:25:39 | |
-What? -You said it couldn't be done. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:41 | |
Said what couldn't be done? | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
The roll-bar, the iPod dock, all that. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:46 | |
What are you talking about? | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
Well, didn't the... the Colonel, he... | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
Oh, fucking hell! Been given the run-around by a Rupert again. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:59 | |
Oh! Poor innocent Towerblock. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:02 | |
Sometimes, you need to learn to see what is in front of your own eyes. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:08 | |
Holy shit! | 0:26:11 | 0:26:12 | |
KNOCK ON DOOR | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
So, nice try, Nick. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:20 | |
Good plan. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:21 | |
Yeah. It's ridiculous, though, you know. | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
Me and Mary, totes unbelievable. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
One thing, though. If the plan was for me to walk in on you, | 0:26:26 | 0:26:31 | |
then, why did no-one come and get me? | 0:26:31 | 0:26:34 | |
I mean, I just happened to come in with that report. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:37 | |
So either you two were standing around all afternoon, | 0:26:37 | 0:26:41 | |
looking surprised, fumbling with your trousers, or... | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
No, we didn't. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:48 | |
Yes, you did! | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
I know what people look like... No, I know what Nick Medhurst looks like | 0:26:50 | 0:26:54 | |
when he's just had sex. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:55 | |
Yes, but Mary wouldn't, would she? | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
Because she would lose her job if anyone found out. | 0:26:57 | 0:27:02 | |
So? | 0:27:02 | 0:27:03 | |
What's it worth? | 0:27:05 | 0:27:06 | |
Name your price. This cannot get out. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:10 | |
OK. I won't tell anyone, | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
as long as you stop fucking going on about Mary. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:16 | |
Yep, all right, Bird. The thing is, I do need your advice, OK, | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
-cos I'm not quite sure how to... -Zip! | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
-Bird, you're the only person... -Zip! | 0:27:22 | 0:27:24 | |
All right. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:29 | |
I promise to never, ever discuss Mary with you ever again, | 0:27:29 | 0:27:35 | |
starting from now, OK? | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
There. You got what you wanted. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
And you got what YOU wanted. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
Yeah, I suppose but. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
But...what? Was it...bad? | 0:27:43 | 0:27:47 | |
Was she bad? | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
-Oh, Nick! You've got to tell me everything. -Not allowed. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
I promised to never, ever, ever discuss Mary with you, ever again. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:57 | |
-Oh, Nick! -Zip. -Really? -Zip! | 0:27:57 | 0:28:00 | |
Bastard! | 0:28:00 | 0:28:01 |