Christmas Boomers

MUSIC: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams

# It's the most wonderful time of the year

# Ding dong... #

We've got to get to the cars, we're going to miss the train!

I love your gingerbread house. Is that for little Scarlett?

Her first Christmas and I'm going to miss it.

It's very Hansel and Gretel. I hope she's not afraid of witches!

Well, she seems to get on OK with my daughter-in-law.

700 miles for gluhwein and frankfurters.

You can get them on the market in Lynn

and they speak English there. Sort of.

We've still got 20 minutes.

Lucky, considering we drove all the way

from Cologne to Calais at 45mph.

I was just being careful. We're targets with English number plates.

I thought Joyce must have died and he'd slowed down out of respect.

Oh, come on, Maureen.

I had to get some duty free perfume before the shop closed.

You know, now we're in the European trade area,

it's not really duty free any more.

It's not really perfume, either.

Oh, come on, hurry up.

I hope there isn't a hold up, you know, a security alert

or a fire in the tunnel.

I get a bit claustrophobic in tunnels, my mouth gets very dry.

How did you cope on the way over?

Maybe we can all try it.

I had a suck on Trevor's humbugs.

Maybe not.

MUSIC: The Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson

# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Now if there's a smile on my face

# It's only there trying to fool the public

# But when it comes down to fooling you

# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject

# But don't let my glad expression... #

BEAR PLAYS SILENT NIGHT

Are we having Silent Night again?

Oh, don't be such a misery, Joyce, it's Christmas!

I don't know why you picked that up.

There were lots of other gifts that weren't tacky.

Did you find any?

Oh, hurry up.

There are plenty of trains after this one.

No, there aren't. The French are on strike.

There's only one more after this one.

Bloody French. The sooner we fill this tunnel in, the better.

Here we are. Departures, check-in...

Let me just check something.

Are we getting Le Shuttle or climbing Everest?

You have to be ready for any eventuality.

All sorts of security risks there - fire, bombs, all sorts.

Oh, I've got these inflatable neck pillows for everyone

in case there's a delay in the tunnel.

I feel a lot safer now.

Can we get a move on? It's Scarlett's first Christmas

and I'm not taking any chances.

Oh, can I ask a question?

You do know it's Scarlett's first Christmas?

-I think you did mention it...

-Could I ask something?

For the last time, you're not going to miss it.

Our train doesn't leave till 2.30. 2.30!

Can I just ask a question?

Yes, Trevor, what is it?

Is that 2.30, French time or English time?

-TANNOY ANNOUNCER:

-'The train scheduled to depart at 16 hours 16

'will be the last departure today.

'Please contact the Eurotunnel staff...'

I knew this would happen. Knew it, knew it.

Come on, Joyce, you're not being very Christmassy.

We've got an hour till the next train.

I told her we were cutting it fine coming back on Christmas Eve,

-but she wouldn't have it.

-It's going to be fine.

Oh, that's it, take her side.

-I'm not taking her side.

-I'm sorry I'm such a drag for you.

I'm sure your life would be a lot easier if I was like Maureen.

A bouncy little Christmas elf.

Would you rather be spending Christmas with her?

-No, I wouldn't.

-You've always done it.

She flutters her eyelashes at you and you start nodding like an idiot.

Don't be ridiculous.

Do you think we should set up camp? Grab some seats?

Good idea!

There's some.

THEY TALK GERMAN

Why did you let them get there first?

Well, they're Germans - that's what they do.

Takes them five minutes to move in

and five years for us to get them out.

Have you booked us on the next train?

There's no need to, you just get straight on the next one.

As long as you've got flexitickets.

-What?

-You know, a flexiticket. Otherwise you have to queue.

Sometimes you have to wait there for hours.

Have we got flexitickets?

Yeah.

-You sure?

-Course I'm sure.

So we can just drive straight on the next train?

-Straight on.

-Oh, that's a relief.

-I know.

-It's a good system, isn't it?

-It's a brilliant system.

-Keeps the traffic flowing.

-Yeah, a constant flow of traffic.

-I've got them, OK?

-OK!

It's just, you know what you're like,

you don't always get it right.

Well, I have this time.

-Sorry.

-It's all right, it's Christmas, everyone's tense.

Just going to the loo.

-Trevor, can you get me a flexiticket?

-I thought you had one.

-No.

-Well, you told Joyce you've got one.

Just get online and get us on the next train.

Are you sure you haven't got one?

Because normally you get them automatically when you book online.

-We haven't got flexitickets, OK?

-I don't understand.

Oh, unless you did yours through a discount deal with vouchers.

All right, I'll see if I can get on... Oh, no.

-Wi-Fi's down.

-Trevor...

You're doing it again.

I feel a bit woozy.

Oh, thank you.

Probably need something to eat.

It's just nerves, Carol.

I hope there isn't an incident. Remember that fire they had?

That was 20 years ago, Carol. You'll be fine.

I told you I'm claustrophobic as well, didn't I?

It doesn't have to be a small space...

it's just knowing you can't get out.

I had an attack at Linton Zoo once.

Trevor bought me a day feeding the animals.

As soon as they closed the door on me

in that tapir enclosure - bang!

I went to pieces.

To this day, I can't be around tapirs.

How do you manage?

John, have you got the yellow bag?

-What yellow bag?

-The one with all the passports in.

-You mean the brown bag.

-It used to be yellow.

-It's actually brown now.

-Yeah.

So why don't you call it the brown bag?

I don't know, it's just always been the yellow bag.

-Even though it's brown.

-Have you got it or not?

No.

Joyce, have you seen a yellow bag?

-It's brown actually.

-Oh, shut up, John.

It's got all our passports in it and we'll be stuck here.

Oh, no! Oh, that's a disaster.

Oh, well, it's been a lovely holiday, see you when you get back.

Your passports are in it, too.

Oh, no, ours are in Alan's bag. I put them in there.

We thought they'd be better all in one place, didn't we, Al?

It's fine, it's fine, it'll be in the shop, I'll just go and get it.

Oh, Wi-Fi's back.

Alan's got a non-flexible booking.

I'm just trying to get the booking website up.

I don't think that's it.

Oh, Carol's been choosing her Christmas present.

Maureen's getting a foot spa.

I decided against it in the end. If you look at the prices,

you'll notice that the less material you get, the more money you pay.

Doesn't make economic sense.

Well, that's what I told Carol. She understood completely.

You're both on the same wavelength.

-LAPTOP MAKES A POPPING SOUND

-Now my battery's dying.

I think mine's charging up.

I can't get it.

How long before we're in the tunnel? Have we missed any announcements?

I'm getting a bit panicky.

You'll be fine, Carol.

Maybe we could get the next one.

There isn't a next one.

What if it gets stuck?

Carol, we're getting on that train, pull yourself together.

Get further in.

I can't get further in.

You can. You're half in, you might as well go all the way.

I don't know why we couldn't just leave the bags in the car.

You can't leave anything tempting in the car.

There's all these migrants in Calais.

-You know Tina?

-Tina with the two boyfriends?

No, Tina with the squint.

Well, she was in the queue for check-in last year,

she got out of the car to stretch her legs,

got back in, only found out when she got home

there was a man hiding in the footwell behind her seat.

Must have got in while she was stretching her legs.

She must have been terrified.

Well, at first, yeah.

Then she warmed to him.

I think they're still together.

She's living with him?

Well, she doesn't get many tugs on the line, Maureen,

not with her eye.

-I've got it!

-Well done, Joyce.

Now I can't get out.

C'est ferme.

-You what, love?

-Je suis desolee, mais le magasin est ferme.

-Vous pouvez pas prendre ca.

-What's she saying?

She says it's closed.

We know that. Can you give me a hand?

No, it's ours. The bag's ours.

C'est a nous, le baguette.

Oh, I didn't know you spoke French.

I picked up a bit when I was doing some bikini modelling at a car

show in Boulogne, just after we joined the EEC.

That was when we still thought Europe could be sexy.

What car was it?

Princess. Obviously!

-When you are ready!

-Oh!

MUSIC: Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney

-Hurry up.

-It's still not connecting.

-Use your tablet.

-Battery's flat.

-It's a brown bag, not a yellow bag.

-What?

Anyway, how am I supposed to know where it is?

I just carry the bags, I don't know what's in them.

Christmas, eh?

That's just two weeks of being dragged around to relatives

and parties you wouldn't think twice about visiting

-any other time of the year.

-Still, onwards and upwards.

And you spend your whole time being told off

-cos you're not joining in or being Christmassy enough.

-Yep.

Listening to them moan about how much cooking they have to do,

and if you try and help, they tell you to get out of the kitchen.

Ah, it's not for us, is it, Christmas? It's for women.

-Women and bloody Germans.

-That's a bit racist.

-What?

-I don't believe in judging people by their colour or creed.

That was very much part of my manifesto

when I stood for the town council elections.

-Creed? Who says creed?

-Trevor.

We live in a more tolerant day and age.

Can we get on? The tickets?

I like Germans. They're very nice people.

My dad liked them as well which is unusual for his generation.

Did he have German friends?

No, they bombed his house. The council moved him into a nicer one.

I'm not racist, am I?

What, just because you judge people based on stereotypical, national

-characteristics? No.

-Thank you.

-How else could you judge people you don't know?

-Exactly.

I like German culture, Trevor - we've just had a holiday there.

In fact, I bought some German culture in a market in Cologne.

Now who's crude and tasteless?

Comedy Christmas stocking fillers.

-Comedy Christmas stocking fillers?

-For the lads in the club.

Where's the funny bit?

SANTA BEEPS

'Ho, ho, ho! Frohe Weihnachten, baby!'

Ah, OK.

Right, are we ready?

-I just need the loo.

-Course you do.

This is no good.

Tell me about it.

Why does she leave everything to the last minute?

-It's too stressful.

-It puts you on edge, doesn't it?

-Palpitations...

-Exactly.

-..shortness of breath...

-Little bit of that.

-..can't get any air...

-Definitely.

I think it's a panic attack.

Oh, don't say that - that's all I need.

Oh, right.

They remind me of someone, and I can't think who.

It's driving me nuts.

Oh, yeah, it's going to keep me awake all night.

Oh, no, what's going to keep me awake all night is trying to sleep

on these seats when we've missed our train.

This isn't going to work. I need to charge up the tablet.

There are sockets over there.

-They're leaving.

-Quick, get it. Go!

-We were going to grab that.

-We have it.

-But you've already got a table.

-All right, John.

-How many tables do they want?

-I'm sorry, we have a lot of stuff.

We've all got a lot of stuff. We don't spread it over half of Europe.

-Don't say that, John.

-They've invaded our table!

Or that.

Why can't that be the German table, this be the English table,

and we can live together in peace and harmony.

Das macht nichts. Wir brauchen keinen tisch.

-Wir waren aber schon hier.

-What did they say?

It's fine, you have it.

Danke.

You need it for your tablet.

I'll go to the flexi-lounge and book the tickets.

So, we're just going to let them win, are we?

They haven't 'won'.

Why does everything that involves Germans have to be about wars?

-It doesn't.

-Doesn't it?

No, some of it's about football.

-You're not ashamed of us, are you?

-Yes, I am, actually.

I mean, you come over to Europe and you act as though you own the place

and think everybody here's an idiot.

Germany is our European partner, John. You're stuck in the past.

-Well done,

-It's not me, it's them.

They're just very organised.

I know who they remind me of, the Germans.

Three couples, similar ages.

One's wearing glasses, and he's got a bumbag,

another one a bit miserable and a normal one.

-You're not miserable.

-No, you are.

I'm the normal one.

And their wives - look at them.

Maureen, Carol, Joyce.

Spooky, eh?

Ooh, look at that! You and Joyce together in Germany too.

No escape.

I need a drink.

MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues

# They've got cars big as bars

# They've got rivers of gold

# But the wind goes right through you It's no place for the old

# When he first took my hand... #

Just breathe slowly.

That's the thing with panic attacks, you've got to breathe slowly,

it's the only way to beat it.

I tried that, Joyce, it doesn't work.

-Breathe quickly then.

-I'm sorry, Joyce, I know you want to get back.

Look, I always keep a magic pill in the bottom of my bag,

-for emergencies.

-You have claustrophobia?

No, I have Alan.

TANNOY ANNOUNCER SPEAKS FRENCH

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Bonjour.

-Hello.

Oh! Erm, would you mind if I sat there?

-No, it's fine.

-Thank you.

That's very kind of you. Thank you very much.

It's very nice to sample different culture.

Not the usual booze cruise, 'Brits abroad' fare.

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to touch you.

I didn't mean to touch her.

I know that boundaries are very important to you guys.

No worries.

LAPTOP BLEEPS

Whoops! You don't want to look at that.

That's my wife's Christmas list.

Lucky you don't have to bother with it.

Christmas that is, not underwear.

I mean not that you haven't got underwear.

I'm sure you have.

I hope you have.

LAPTOP BLEEPS CONTINUOUSLY

'We are experiencing a high volume of calls at the moment.'

That's because people want to buy tickets and you are the ticket line.

-Trevor's wrong, you know.

-Oh, hang on, I'm through.

English people behave in an English way, German people behave in a German way.

Buy tickets.

It's in your genes and your culture, isn't it?

Buy tickets.

Buy... Buy tickets!

I know we're all European now, but we're always going to have our differences.

It does correspond to one of the options! Don't...

Didn't understand me, wouldn't let me finish.

It's the computerized ticket line version of Joyce.

We're always going to be on opposite sides of the divide, aren't we?

Will you stop banging on about the Germans.

We're in the shuttle terminal, not the bloody Somme!

I'm sorry about the table. Maybe we can still be friends, ja?

German chocolate.

-You've got to give him something in return.

-We've got no food.

-Give him a drink.

-Schnapps.

You like football?

BEAR PLAYS SILENT NIGHT

Come on, Maureen, we're going to miss the train.

Yeah, come on, Maur. Don't want to miss it.

-You all right, love?

-Yeah, she's fine, come on.

OK, come on. First, let me go to the loo.

-What's up with Carol?

-What do you mean?

She seems a bit wobbly.

She looks all right to me.

She's had some medication.

What sort of medication?

Just a travel sickness pill. They do have side effects, don't they?

They can make your mouth go all dry and that.

They don't usually make you slam into walls, though.

Yeah, well there's different kinds of travel pills.

What's she taken?

-Erm, Tramadol.

-You gave her a Tramadol?

No. I gave her two.

You drugged her to try and get her on the train?

She was having a panic attack, what was I supposed to do?

She was suffering.

Oh, my God.

I did it to help her, because I care about her, Maureen.

That's the difference between us - when my friends need drugs,

I'm willing to step up to the plate and deliver.

She looks like a gazelle that's been shot with a tranquillizer.

They don't normally do that to me.

They do if you've been drinking.

Oh, my God, she's had it!

I need a Valium, have you got any left?

-One.

-Can I have it?

-No.

-Why not?

I gave it to Carol.

# Are you hanging up your stocking on your wall? #

-You must have known what would happen.

-Must I?

Do any of us know what's going to happen when we take these things?

I mean you read the labels on the packet but you can still get

a random reaction. I mean, we're all just experimenting, really.

She's not in there.

We're going to miss it.

That gingerbread house I bought for Scarlett's going to go to waste.

-What about Carol?

-She doesn't like gingerbread.

What are we going to do about her?

-I don't know!

-MAUREEN'S PHONE BEEPS

-Oh, it's Carol.

-Where is she?

"Gon find lift back Germny - plenty lorries here.

"Don wait for me. Smiley face."

# Everybody's having fun... #

So, are you visiting family in England?

Oh, no, no. We just ride on our bikes. Vroom-vroom! Ja!

We ride around Europe, we go where we like.

What about your family?

Oh, they do their own thing, we do our own thing.

Your Christmas is probably the same, ja?

Pretty much. Apart from the motorbikes.

-And everything else.

-Noch ein?

Are we going to pick sides?

-OK. Who's picking?

-Me and you.

-OK.

-I feel guilty.

-What for?

I don't know.

-You pick first.

-OK.

Are we actually going to play football?

-It's only a kickabout, Al.

-I don't want a kickabout.

Alan, they've just offered us the hand of friendship,

we can't throw it back in their face.

OK, well, I think it's best if we stick together.

-Don't want the language issue getting in the way.

-Sure.

-Just makes sense to have English versus German.

-Right.

More fun that way. Doesn't matter who wins and who loses, does it?

-Course not.

-Who will you choose?

-Him.

It's some kind of misunderstanding. It's a cultural thing.

I'm sure it is, sir, but the lady made a complaint.

You touched her with your legs.

I do understand about cultural differences -

I'm not your loutish average Brit abroad - I am a town councillor.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't realise you were a VIP.

That's quite all right, you weren't to know...

You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

No, don't take my tablet!

Why not, sir, you got something on there you don't want anybody to see?

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Where are we going?

The freight area. She's looking for lorries - she'll come here.

-I can't do this.

-Yes, you can.

-I can't!

-Think of Scarlett's gingerbread house.

You're right, I can do it.

Think of Sue's roast turkey dinner.

I can't do it.

Go back to Scarlett's gingerbread house.

There she is.

MUSIC: 99 Luftballons by Nena

When you get to England, you'll find a lot of English people

have preconceived ideas about Germans.

Even today? That's crazy.

I know, but you can't all be good at taking penalties.

You want a ride?

Are you all right?

She's just asked me if I want to go for a ride.

Playing it cool, eh?

-Well, go on. We've got ten minutes.

-What about the tickets?

Trevor's got the tickets. He'd have called if there was a problem.

Tell her you're coming.

When else are you going to get a chance to ride on a motorbike?

-Ja?

-OK.

No, you're all right, love.

-Hi.

-Hi, Carol.

I haven't found the bar yet.

My teeth feel big.

Do they look big?

We've been looking everywhere for you. The train's leaving soon.

I'm not coming back.

What do you mean, you're not coming back?

Don't be silly. Come on down, we'll catch you.

-It's Trevor.

-What about him?

I don't want to spend another Christmas with him.

-He's boring.

-Oh, God.

-What?

-She's having a flashback.

-Not any more.

-What?

Trevor used to be boring, but now you like him again, remember?

-No.

-Yeah, you sorted it out. It was a communication problem.

-A what?

-A communication prob... Oh, I'm not doing this.

Come on, Carol, we've only got a few minutes.

Ooh-oh!

My God, she's pulled!

What are you doing?

Oh, it's all right, we're her friends. We've come to get her.

They're not my friends.

-I don't think she wants to go.

-She does.

She wants to go to Germany. I'm going to Poznan.

I said I'd give her a lift as far as Dresden.

She lives in Norfolk.

I've been to Norfolk, she's better off in Dresden.

How are you going to get back, love?

I'll find another lorry.

See? People don't understand how easy it is to travel around Europe

with truckers. We're the knights of the road.

They're an international brotherhood.

That's exactly right, that, Carol.

We can't leave her here with a lorry driver.

Hey, don't judge a book by its cover, love.

Maybe we should wait till she's feeling better.

We're not waiting, Maureen, she's absolutely fine.

Cup of tea and a croissant, she'll be right as rain.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

So, what do we do now?

We've had a lot of people coming through with illegal stuff -

drugs, obscene material.

I completely understand.

It's a routine thing.

It's only because security were called,

we're just going through the motions.

OK. Erm, that thing out there with the lady -

I think that's a cultural issue...

-I'm sure.

-..because I'm not that kind of person at all.

-Can we look in the bag, please?

-Of course.

There's not much in there - just a few travel essentials

and, oh, some presents for the kids.

-SANTA BEEPS

-'Ho, ho, ho! Frohe Weihnachten, baby!'

Did I mention that I've got a flexiticket?

MUSIC: Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head by Barry Manilow

# Raindrops keep falling on my head

# And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed

# Nothing seems to fit

# Those raindrops keep falling on my head

# They keep falling

# So I just did me some talk... #

Well, that's comfy.

Which way is it?

I don't know, Maureen, I've lost track.

-Track!

-MAUREEN LAUGHS

Well, I think it's quite exciting.

If I was home with Mum, we'd be making bread sauce

and she'd be telling me all about her feet.

# I said I didn't like the way he got things done... #

So, what do you think? You like the ride?

Yeah, great fun, thanks.

When you get back to England,

maybe you and your wife should think about getting a motorbike?

-Very cool!

-Like Alain Delon and Marianne Faithfull.

-Or Wallace and Gromit.

-THEY LAUGH

Hello, my little bratwurst.

Why aren't you ready?

-We were just...

-Waiting for Trevor.

-Waiting for Trevor.

-Why are you waiting for Trevor?

-Why are we waiting for Trevor?

-He's gone to get the tickets.

-Exactly.

-What tickets?

-Oh, no, not the tickets...

-The flexitickets.

-No, no, not the tickets.

-Why not?

-I thought we already had flexitickets.

-OK.

-I thought we did have them.

-Alan...

It was the small print, you know what these print-out tickets are like.

-Have you been sorting it?

-Of course!

We've been literally pounding away on the internet trying to get it sorted.

Alan, here's the selfie of us on the bike.

Whizz me your e-mail address, I send it for you.

Well, aren't you going to whizz her your e-mail address?

-I couldn't get through on the phone.

-How could you be so irresponsible?

What's up with Carol?

Don't interrupt, John, I'm talking to Alan.

Do you know what? It's fine.

You couldn't be bothered to take care of something

that was so simple, but so important.

Hey, come on, it's OK, Trevor's on his way back

and we've got a few minutes to spare.

Or not.

-You got everything?

-Er, yes, yes. Erm...

Thanks, thanks very much for your help.

-Right, take care, now.

-Thanks, you too.

-Keep yourself to yourself, eh?

-Yeah, yep, yeah. You too.

-What's that about?

-Just a mix-up.

-Have you got the tickets?

-Sorry, no, I couldn't get online.

That was part of the mix-up.

You should have stayed here.

We got on brilliant with the Germans in the end.

-Yeah!

-Oh, hi.

-Hi-i-i...

-You OK?

-TANNOY ANNOUNCER:

-'We would like to announce that

'the final departure of the day is now boarding...'

I'm fine.

What are you going to do?

You lot just get on the train.

Yeah, we'll get a hotel and come back tomorrow.

Come on, Alan, let's see if we can find somewhere to stay.

You're right. I'm not as keen to get back as you are.

It's all right, Alan, you don't have to apologise,

-it just gets boring, doesn't it?

-Listen...

I'll try and make the rest of Christmas

as painless as possible for you.

How I'm going to do that, I don't know,

starting off in a dive hotel in Calais.

Listen, the reason I'm not so keen

is because we always spend time with other people at Christmas.

Yeah, that's what people do at Christmas.

But I always thought we were a bit different.

You know what I mean, don't you?

First date we ever went on together?

To see The Discreet Charm Of The Bourgeoisie.

December 23rd.

I remember standing outside the cinema,

watching you walk across the road from the station.

It was minus six. I'd been waiting there for over an hour

but I told you I'd only been there for five minutes.

That's Christmas, Joyce.

Every now and again, you pull one out of the bag, don't you?

I thought the film was Confessions Of A Window Cleaner?

Yeah, I know, but it doesn't sound as romantic, does it?

-TANNOY ANNOUNCER:

-'This is the final call for the 16.16 departure...'

Not like the Germans to be last on.

That's lazy stereotyping, Maureen. They're just people, same as us.

Just joking. Course they are.

Just a bit tartier.

-Right, ready?

-Yeah.

Carol still nervous about the trip?

No, I think she's a bit calmer now.

CAROL SNORES

-Well...

-You go. I'm sure there's a train tomorrow that we can get.

What are you doing?

We're staying with you.

You don't want to do that.

Oh, yes, we do.

Can't spend Christmas on your own, you two.

Oh, yes, we can...

Trevor'll book us all a hotel.

Five-star only, Trev.

Merry Christmas, Joyce!

Anyone hungry?

Not that hungry.

I'm thirsty.

# Wish I was at home for Christmas

# Wish I could be dancing now

# In the arms of the girl I love

# Mary Bradley waits at home

# She's been waiting two years' long

# Wish I was at home for Christmas. #

SLEIGH BELLS JINGLE