Christmas Boomers


Christmas

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Transcript


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MUSIC: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams

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# It's the most wonderful time of the year

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# Ding dong... #

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We've got to get to the cars, we're going to miss the train!

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I love your gingerbread house. Is that for little Scarlett?

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Her first Christmas and I'm going to miss it.

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It's very Hansel and Gretel. I hope she's not afraid of witches!

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Well, she seems to get on OK with my daughter-in-law.

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700 miles for gluhwein and frankfurters.

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You can get them on the market in Lynn

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and they speak English there. Sort of.

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We've still got 20 minutes.

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Lucky, considering we drove all the way

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from Cologne to Calais at 45mph.

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I was just being careful. We're targets with English number plates.

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I thought Joyce must have died and he'd slowed down out of respect.

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Oh, come on, Maureen.

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I had to get some duty free perfume before the shop closed.

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You know, now we're in the European trade area,

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it's not really duty free any more.

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It's not really perfume, either.

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Oh, come on, hurry up.

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I hope there isn't a hold up, you know, a security alert

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or a fire in the tunnel.

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I get a bit claustrophobic in tunnels, my mouth gets very dry.

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How did you cope on the way over?

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Maybe we can all try it.

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I had a suck on Trevor's humbugs.

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Maybe not.

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MUSIC: The Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson

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# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

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# Now if there's a smile on my face

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# It's only there trying to fool the public

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# But when it comes down to fooling you

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# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject

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# But don't let my glad expression... #

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BEAR PLAYS SILENT NIGHT

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Are we having Silent Night again?

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Oh, don't be such a misery, Joyce, it's Christmas!

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I don't know why you picked that up.

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There were lots of other gifts that weren't tacky.

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Did you find any?

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Oh, hurry up.

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There are plenty of trains after this one.

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No, there aren't. The French are on strike.

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There's only one more after this one.

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Bloody French. The sooner we fill this tunnel in, the better.

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Here we are. Departures, check-in...

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Let me just check something.

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Are we getting Le Shuttle or climbing Everest?

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You have to be ready for any eventuality.

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All sorts of security risks there - fire, bombs, all sorts.

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Oh, I've got these inflatable neck pillows for everyone

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in case there's a delay in the tunnel.

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I feel a lot safer now.

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Can we get a move on? It's Scarlett's first Christmas

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and I'm not taking any chances.

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Oh, can I ask a question?

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You do know it's Scarlett's first Christmas?

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-I think you did mention it...

-Could I ask something?

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For the last time, you're not going to miss it.

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Our train doesn't leave till 2.30. 2.30!

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Can I just ask a question?

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Yes, Trevor, what is it?

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Is that 2.30, French time or English time?

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-TANNOY ANNOUNCER:

-'The train scheduled to depart at 16 hours 16

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'will be the last departure today.

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'Please contact the Eurotunnel staff...'

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I knew this would happen. Knew it, knew it.

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Come on, Joyce, you're not being very Christmassy.

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We've got an hour till the next train.

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I told her we were cutting it fine coming back on Christmas Eve,

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-but she wouldn't have it.

-It's going to be fine.

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Oh, that's it, take her side.

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-I'm not taking her side.

-I'm sorry I'm such a drag for you.

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I'm sure your life would be a lot easier if I was like Maureen.

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A bouncy little Christmas elf.

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Would you rather be spending Christmas with her?

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-No, I wouldn't.

-You've always done it.

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She flutters her eyelashes at you and you start nodding like an idiot.

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Don't be ridiculous.

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Do you think we should set up camp? Grab some seats?

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Good idea!

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There's some.

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THEY TALK GERMAN

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Why did you let them get there first?

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Well, they're Germans - that's what they do.

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Takes them five minutes to move in

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and five years for us to get them out.

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Have you booked us on the next train?

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There's no need to, you just get straight on the next one.

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As long as you've got flexitickets.

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-What?

-You know, a flexiticket. Otherwise you have to queue.

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Sometimes you have to wait there for hours.

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Have we got flexitickets?

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Yeah.

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-You sure?

-Course I'm sure.

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So we can just drive straight on the next train?

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-Straight on.

-Oh, that's a relief.

-I know.

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-It's a good system, isn't it?

-It's a brilliant system.

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-Keeps the traffic flowing.

-Yeah, a constant flow of traffic.

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-I've got them, OK?

-OK!

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It's just, you know what you're like,

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you don't always get it right.

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Well, I have this time.

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-Sorry.

-It's all right, it's Christmas, everyone's tense.

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Just going to the loo.

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-Trevor, can you get me a flexiticket?

-I thought you had one.

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-No.

-Well, you told Joyce you've got one.

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Just get online and get us on the next train.

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Are you sure you haven't got one?

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Because normally you get them automatically when you book online.

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-We haven't got flexitickets, OK?

-I don't understand.

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Oh, unless you did yours through a discount deal with vouchers.

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All right, I'll see if I can get on... Oh, no.

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-Wi-Fi's down.

-Trevor...

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You're doing it again.

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I feel a bit woozy.

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Oh, thank you.

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Probably need something to eat.

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It's just nerves, Carol.

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I hope there isn't an incident. Remember that fire they had?

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That was 20 years ago, Carol. You'll be fine.

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I told you I'm claustrophobic as well, didn't I?

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It doesn't have to be a small space...

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it's just knowing you can't get out.

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I had an attack at Linton Zoo once.

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Trevor bought me a day feeding the animals.

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As soon as they closed the door on me

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in that tapir enclosure - bang!

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I went to pieces.

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To this day, I can't be around tapirs.

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How do you manage?

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John, have you got the yellow bag?

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-What yellow bag?

-The one with all the passports in.

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-You mean the brown bag.

-It used to be yellow.

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-It's actually brown now.

-Yeah.

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So why don't you call it the brown bag?

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I don't know, it's just always been the yellow bag.

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-Even though it's brown.

-Have you got it or not?

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No.

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Joyce, have you seen a yellow bag?

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-It's brown actually.

-Oh, shut up, John.

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It's got all our passports in it and we'll be stuck here.

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Oh, no! Oh, that's a disaster.

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Oh, well, it's been a lovely holiday, see you when you get back.

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Your passports are in it, too.

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Oh, no, ours are in Alan's bag. I put them in there.

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We thought they'd be better all in one place, didn't we, Al?

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It's fine, it's fine, it'll be in the shop, I'll just go and get it.

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Oh, Wi-Fi's back.

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Alan's got a non-flexible booking.

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I'm just trying to get the booking website up.

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I don't think that's it.

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Oh, Carol's been choosing her Christmas present.

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Maureen's getting a foot spa.

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I decided against it in the end. If you look at the prices,

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you'll notice that the less material you get, the more money you pay.

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Doesn't make economic sense.

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Well, that's what I told Carol. She understood completely.

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You're both on the same wavelength.

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-LAPTOP MAKES A POPPING SOUND

-Now my battery's dying.

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I think mine's charging up.

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I can't get it.

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How long before we're in the tunnel? Have we missed any announcements?

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I'm getting a bit panicky.

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You'll be fine, Carol.

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Maybe we could get the next one.

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There isn't a next one.

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What if it gets stuck?

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Carol, we're getting on that train, pull yourself together.

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Get further in.

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I can't get further in.

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You can. You're half in, you might as well go all the way.

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I don't know why we couldn't just leave the bags in the car.

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You can't leave anything tempting in the car.

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There's all these migrants in Calais.

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-You know Tina?

-Tina with the two boyfriends?

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No, Tina with the squint.

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Well, she was in the queue for check-in last year,

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she got out of the car to stretch her legs,

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got back in, only found out when she got home

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there was a man hiding in the footwell behind her seat.

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Must have got in while she was stretching her legs.

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She must have been terrified.

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Well, at first, yeah.

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Then she warmed to him.

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I think they're still together.

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She's living with him?

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Well, she doesn't get many tugs on the line, Maureen,

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not with her eye.

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-I've got it!

-Well done, Joyce.

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Now I can't get out.

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C'est ferme.

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-You what, love?

-Je suis desolee, mais le magasin est ferme.

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-Vous pouvez pas prendre ca.

-What's she saying?

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She says it's closed.

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We know that. Can you give me a hand?

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No, it's ours. The bag's ours.

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C'est a nous, le baguette.

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Oh, I didn't know you spoke French.

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I picked up a bit when I was doing some bikini modelling at a car

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show in Boulogne, just after we joined the EEC.

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That was when we still thought Europe could be sexy.

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What car was it?

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Princess. Obviously!

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-When you are ready!

-Oh!

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MUSIC: Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney

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-Hurry up.

-It's still not connecting.

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-Use your tablet.

-Battery's flat.

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-It's a brown bag, not a yellow bag.

-What?

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Anyway, how am I supposed to know where it is?

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I just carry the bags, I don't know what's in them.

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Christmas, eh?

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That's just two weeks of being dragged around to relatives

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and parties you wouldn't think twice about visiting

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-any other time of the year.

-Still, onwards and upwards.

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And you spend your whole time being told off

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-cos you're not joining in or being Christmassy enough.

-Yep.

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Listening to them moan about how much cooking they have to do,

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and if you try and help, they tell you to get out of the kitchen.

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Ah, it's not for us, is it, Christmas? It's for women.

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-Women and bloody Germans.

-That's a bit racist.

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-What?

-I don't believe in judging people by their colour or creed.

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That was very much part of my manifesto

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when I stood for the town council elections.

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-Creed? Who says creed?

-Trevor.

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We live in a more tolerant day and age.

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Can we get on? The tickets?

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I like Germans. They're very nice people.

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My dad liked them as well which is unusual for his generation.

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Did he have German friends?

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No, they bombed his house. The council moved him into a nicer one.

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I'm not racist, am I?

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What, just because you judge people based on stereotypical, national

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-characteristics? No.

-Thank you.

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-How else could you judge people you don't know?

-Exactly.

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I like German culture, Trevor - we've just had a holiday there.

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In fact, I bought some German culture in a market in Cologne.

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Now who's crude and tasteless?

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Comedy Christmas stocking fillers.

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-Comedy Christmas stocking fillers?

-For the lads in the club.

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Where's the funny bit?

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SANTA BEEPS

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'Ho, ho, ho! Frohe Weihnachten, baby!'

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Ah, OK.

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Right, are we ready?

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-I just need the loo.

-Course you do.

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This is no good.

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Tell me about it.

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Why does she leave everything to the last minute?

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-It's too stressful.

-It puts you on edge, doesn't it?

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-Palpitations...

-Exactly.

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-..shortness of breath...

-Little bit of that.

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-..can't get any air...

-Definitely.

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I think it's a panic attack.

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Oh, don't say that - that's all I need.

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Oh, right.

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They remind me of someone, and I can't think who.

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It's driving me nuts.

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Oh, yeah, it's going to keep me awake all night.

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Oh, no, what's going to keep me awake all night is trying to sleep

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on these seats when we've missed our train.

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This isn't going to work. I need to charge up the tablet.

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There are sockets over there.

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-They're leaving.

-Quick, get it. Go!

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-We were going to grab that.

-We have it.

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-But you've already got a table.

-All right, John.

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-How many tables do they want?

-I'm sorry, we have a lot of stuff.

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We've all got a lot of stuff. We don't spread it over half of Europe.

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-Don't say that, John.

-They've invaded our table!

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Or that.

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Why can't that be the German table, this be the English table,

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and we can live together in peace and harmony.

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Das macht nichts. Wir brauchen keinen tisch.

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-Wir waren aber schon hier.

-What did they say?

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It's fine, you have it.

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Danke.

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You need it for your tablet.

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I'll go to the flexi-lounge and book the tickets.

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So, we're just going to let them win, are we?

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They haven't 'won'.

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Why does everything that involves Germans have to be about wars?

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-It doesn't.

-Doesn't it?

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No, some of it's about football.

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-You're not ashamed of us, are you?

-Yes, I am, actually.

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I mean, you come over to Europe and you act as though you own the place

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and think everybody here's an idiot.

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Germany is our European partner, John. You're stuck in the past.

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-Well done,

-It's not me, it's them.

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They're just very organised.

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I know who they remind me of, the Germans.

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Three couples, similar ages.

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One's wearing glasses, and he's got a bumbag,

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another one a bit miserable and a normal one.

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-You're not miserable.

-No, you are.

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I'm the normal one.

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And their wives - look at them.

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Maureen, Carol, Joyce.

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Spooky, eh?

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Ooh, look at that! You and Joyce together in Germany too.

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No escape.

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I need a drink.

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MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues

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# They've got cars big as bars

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# They've got rivers of gold

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# But the wind goes right through you It's no place for the old

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# When he first took my hand... #

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Just breathe slowly.

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That's the thing with panic attacks, you've got to breathe slowly,

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it's the only way to beat it.

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I tried that, Joyce, it doesn't work.

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-Breathe quickly then.

-I'm sorry, Joyce, I know you want to get back.

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Look, I always keep a magic pill in the bottom of my bag,

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-for emergencies.

-You have claustrophobia?

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No, I have Alan.

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TANNOY ANNOUNCER SPEAKS FRENCH

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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-Bonjour.

-Hello.

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Oh! Erm, would you mind if I sat there?

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-No, it's fine.

-Thank you.

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That's very kind of you. Thank you very much.

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It's very nice to sample different culture.

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Not the usual booze cruise, 'Brits abroad' fare.

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Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to touch you.

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I didn't mean to touch her.

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I know that boundaries are very important to you guys.

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No worries.

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LAPTOP BLEEPS

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Whoops! You don't want to look at that.

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That's my wife's Christmas list.

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Lucky you don't have to bother with it.

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Christmas that is, not underwear.

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I mean not that you haven't got underwear.

0:14:310:14:33

I'm sure you have.

0:14:330:14:34

I hope you have.

0:14:340:14:36

LAPTOP BLEEPS CONTINUOUSLY

0:14:360:14:38

'We are experiencing a high volume of calls at the moment.'

0:14:440:14:47

That's because people want to buy tickets and you are the ticket line.

0:14:470:14:50

-Trevor's wrong, you know.

-Oh, hang on, I'm through.

0:14:500:14:53

English people behave in an English way, German people behave in a German way.

0:14:530:14:56

Buy tickets.

0:14:560:14:58

It's in your genes and your culture, isn't it?

0:14:580:15:01

Buy tickets.

0:15:010:15:03

Buy... Buy tickets!

0:15:030:15:05

I know we're all European now, but we're always going to have our differences.

0:15:050:15:08

It does correspond to one of the options! Don't...

0:15:080:15:12

Didn't understand me, wouldn't let me finish.

0:15:120:15:14

It's the computerized ticket line version of Joyce.

0:15:140:15:16

We're always going to be on opposite sides of the divide, aren't we?

0:15:160:15:19

Will you stop banging on about the Germans.

0:15:190:15:21

We're in the shuttle terminal, not the bloody Somme!

0:15:210:15:24

I'm sorry about the table. Maybe we can still be friends, ja?

0:15:260:15:29

German chocolate.

0:15:310:15:33

-You've got to give him something in return.

-We've got no food.

0:15:330:15:35

-Give him a drink.

-Schnapps.

0:15:350:15:37

You like football?

0:15:390:15:40

BEAR PLAYS SILENT NIGHT

0:15:430:15:46

Come on, Maureen, we're going to miss the train.

0:15:580:16:01

Yeah, come on, Maur. Don't want to miss it.

0:16:010:16:04

-You all right, love?

-Yeah, she's fine, come on.

0:16:040:16:06

OK, come on. First, let me go to the loo.

0:16:060:16:10

-What's up with Carol?

-What do you mean?

0:16:120:16:14

She seems a bit wobbly.

0:16:140:16:16

She looks all right to me.

0:16:160:16:18

She's had some medication.

0:16:210:16:23

What sort of medication?

0:16:230:16:25

Just a travel sickness pill. They do have side effects, don't they?

0:16:250:16:28

They can make your mouth go all dry and that.

0:16:280:16:31

They don't usually make you slam into walls, though.

0:16:320:16:35

Yeah, well there's different kinds of travel pills.

0:16:350:16:38

What's she taken?

0:16:380:16:39

-Erm, Tramadol.

-You gave her a Tramadol?

0:16:390:16:41

No. I gave her two.

0:16:410:16:43

You drugged her to try and get her on the train?

0:16:430:16:45

She was having a panic attack, what was I supposed to do?

0:16:450:16:47

She was suffering.

0:16:470:16:49

Oh, my God.

0:16:490:16:50

I did it to help her, because I care about her, Maureen.

0:16:500:16:54

That's the difference between us - when my friends need drugs,

0:16:540:16:58

I'm willing to step up to the plate and deliver.

0:16:580:17:00

She looks like a gazelle that's been shot with a tranquillizer.

0:17:000:17:04

They don't normally do that to me.

0:17:040:17:05

They do if you've been drinking.

0:17:050:17:08

Oh, my God, she's had it!

0:17:080:17:10

I need a Valium, have you got any left?

0:17:110:17:12

-One.

-Can I have it?

0:17:120:17:14

-No.

-Why not?

0:17:140:17:15

I gave it to Carol.

0:17:150:17:17

# Are you hanging up your stocking on your wall? #

0:17:170:17:22

-You must have known what would happen.

-Must I?

0:17:220:17:25

Do any of us know what's going to happen when we take these things?

0:17:250:17:28

I mean you read the labels on the packet but you can still get

0:17:280:17:31

a random reaction. I mean, we're all just experimenting, really.

0:17:310:17:36

She's not in there.

0:17:360:17:37

We're going to miss it.

0:17:390:17:42

That gingerbread house I bought for Scarlett's going to go to waste.

0:17:420:17:45

-What about Carol?

-She doesn't like gingerbread.

0:17:450:17:48

What are we going to do about her?

0:17:480:17:49

-I don't know!

-MAUREEN'S PHONE BEEPS

0:17:490:17:51

-Oh, it's Carol.

-Where is she?

0:17:510:17:54

"Gon find lift back Germny - plenty lorries here.

0:17:540:17:57

"Don wait for me. Smiley face."

0:17:570:18:00

# Everybody's having fun... #

0:18:000:18:02

So, are you visiting family in England?

0:18:030:18:06

Oh, no, no. We just ride on our bikes. Vroom-vroom! Ja!

0:18:060:18:09

We ride around Europe, we go where we like.

0:18:100:18:14

What about your family?

0:18:140:18:15

Oh, they do their own thing, we do our own thing.

0:18:150:18:19

Your Christmas is probably the same, ja?

0:18:190:18:22

Pretty much. Apart from the motorbikes.

0:18:220:18:25

-And everything else.

-Noch ein?

0:18:250:18:27

Are we going to pick sides?

0:18:280:18:30

-OK. Who's picking?

-Me and you.

-OK.

0:18:300:18:33

-I feel guilty.

-What for?

0:18:340:18:37

I don't know.

0:18:370:18:38

-You pick first.

-OK.

0:18:380:18:39

Are we actually going to play football?

0:18:390:18:41

-It's only a kickabout, Al.

-I don't want a kickabout.

0:18:410:18:43

Alan, they've just offered us the hand of friendship,

0:18:430:18:46

we can't throw it back in their face.

0:18:460:18:47

OK, well, I think it's best if we stick together.

0:18:470:18:49

-Don't want the language issue getting in the way.

-Sure.

0:18:490:18:52

-Just makes sense to have English versus German.

-Right.

0:18:520:18:54

More fun that way. Doesn't matter who wins and who loses, does it?

0:18:540:18:57

-Course not.

-Who will you choose?

-Him.

0:18:570:18:59

It's some kind of misunderstanding. It's a cultural thing.

0:19:030:19:07

I'm sure it is, sir, but the lady made a complaint.

0:19:070:19:10

You touched her with your legs.

0:19:100:19:11

I do understand about cultural differences -

0:19:110:19:13

I'm not your loutish average Brit abroad - I am a town councillor.

0:19:130:19:17

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't realise you were a VIP.

0:19:170:19:20

That's quite all right, you weren't to know...

0:19:200:19:23

You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

0:19:230:19:25

No, don't take my tablet!

0:19:250:19:27

Why not, sir, you got something on there you don't want anybody to see?

0:19:270:19:30

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

0:19:300:19:32

Where are we going?

0:19:350:19:37

The freight area. She's looking for lorries - she'll come here.

0:19:370:19:40

-I can't do this.

-Yes, you can.

0:19:400:19:42

-I can't!

-Think of Scarlett's gingerbread house.

0:19:420:19:45

You're right, I can do it.

0:19:450:19:46

Think of Sue's roast turkey dinner.

0:19:460:19:48

I can't do it.

0:19:480:19:49

Go back to Scarlett's gingerbread house.

0:19:490:19:52

There she is.

0:19:520:19:53

MUSIC: 99 Luftballons by Nena

0:19:550:19:58

When you get to England, you'll find a lot of English people

0:20:270:20:29

have preconceived ideas about Germans.

0:20:290:20:31

Even today? That's crazy.

0:20:310:20:33

I know, but you can't all be good at taking penalties.

0:20:330:20:36

You want a ride?

0:20:390:20:41

Are you all right?

0:20:410:20:43

She's just asked me if I want to go for a ride.

0:20:430:20:45

Playing it cool, eh?

0:20:450:20:47

-Well, go on. We've got ten minutes.

-What about the tickets?

0:20:470:20:49

Trevor's got the tickets. He'd have called if there was a problem.

0:20:490:20:52

Tell her you're coming.

0:20:520:20:53

When else are you going to get a chance to ride on a motorbike?

0:20:530:20:56

-Ja?

-OK.

0:20:560:20:57

No, you're all right, love.

0:21:010:21:02

-Hi.

-Hi, Carol.

0:21:040:21:05

I haven't found the bar yet.

0:21:070:21:09

My teeth feel big.

0:21:090:21:11

Do they look big?

0:21:110:21:12

We've been looking everywhere for you. The train's leaving soon.

0:21:120:21:16

I'm not coming back.

0:21:160:21:17

What do you mean, you're not coming back?

0:21:170:21:19

Don't be silly. Come on down, we'll catch you.

0:21:190:21:22

-It's Trevor.

-What about him?

0:21:220:21:24

I don't want to spend another Christmas with him.

0:21:240:21:27

-He's boring.

-Oh, God.

0:21:270:21:29

-What?

-She's having a flashback.

0:21:290:21:31

-Not any more.

-What?

0:21:310:21:32

Trevor used to be boring, but now you like him again, remember?

0:21:320:21:36

-No.

-Yeah, you sorted it out. It was a communication problem.

0:21:360:21:41

-A what?

-A communication prob... Oh, I'm not doing this.

0:21:410:21:44

Come on, Carol, we've only got a few minutes.

0:21:440:21:46

Ooh-oh!

0:21:460:21:48

My God, she's pulled!

0:21:480:21:50

What are you doing?

0:21:500:21:52

Oh, it's all right, we're her friends. We've come to get her.

0:21:520:21:55

They're not my friends.

0:21:550:21:57

-I don't think she wants to go.

-She does.

0:21:570:21:58

She wants to go to Germany. I'm going to Poznan.

0:21:580:22:01

I said I'd give her a lift as far as Dresden.

0:22:010:22:03

She lives in Norfolk.

0:22:030:22:05

I've been to Norfolk, she's better off in Dresden.

0:22:050:22:08

How are you going to get back, love?

0:22:080:22:10

I'll find another lorry.

0:22:100:22:12

See? People don't understand how easy it is to travel around Europe

0:22:120:22:15

with truckers. We're the knights of the road.

0:22:150:22:17

They're an international brotherhood.

0:22:170:22:19

That's exactly right, that, Carol.

0:22:190:22:21

We can't leave her here with a lorry driver.

0:22:230:22:26

Hey, don't judge a book by its cover, love.

0:22:260:22:28

Maybe we should wait till she's feeling better.

0:22:310:22:33

We're not waiting, Maureen, she's absolutely fine.

0:22:330:22:36

Cup of tea and a croissant, she'll be right as rain.

0:22:360:22:39

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

0:22:450:22:47

So, what do we do now?

0:22:470:22:49

We've had a lot of people coming through with illegal stuff -

0:22:490:22:51

drugs, obscene material.

0:22:510:22:53

I completely understand.

0:22:530:22:55

It's a routine thing.

0:22:550:22:56

It's only because security were called,

0:22:560:22:58

we're just going through the motions.

0:22:580:23:00

OK. Erm, that thing out there with the lady -

0:23:000:23:04

I think that's a cultural issue...

0:23:040:23:06

-I'm sure.

-..because I'm not that kind of person at all.

0:23:060:23:10

-Can we look in the bag, please?

-Of course.

0:23:100:23:12

There's not much in there - just a few travel essentials

0:23:120:23:15

and, oh, some presents for the kids.

0:23:150:23:18

-SANTA BEEPS

-'Ho, ho, ho! Frohe Weihnachten, baby!'

0:23:220:23:26

Did I mention that I've got a flexiticket?

0:23:270:23:32

MUSIC: Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head by Barry Manilow

0:23:320:23:34

# Raindrops keep falling on my head

0:23:340:23:37

# And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed

0:23:380:23:44

# Nothing seems to fit

0:23:440:23:47

# Those raindrops keep falling on my head

0:23:470:23:51

# They keep falling

0:23:510:23:53

# So I just did me some talk... #

0:23:530:23:56

Well, that's comfy.

0:24:010:24:02

Which way is it?

0:24:020:24:04

I don't know, Maureen, I've lost track.

0:24:040:24:06

-Track!

-MAUREEN LAUGHS

0:24:060:24:08

Well, I think it's quite exciting.

0:24:090:24:11

If I was home with Mum, we'd be making bread sauce

0:24:110:24:14

and she'd be telling me all about her feet.

0:24:140:24:17

# I said I didn't like the way he got things done... #

0:24:180:24:21

So, what do you think? You like the ride?

0:24:240:24:26

Yeah, great fun, thanks.

0:24:260:24:28

When you get back to England,

0:24:280:24:29

maybe you and your wife should think about getting a motorbike?

0:24:290:24:32

-Very cool!

-Like Alain Delon and Marianne Faithfull.

0:24:320:24:35

-Or Wallace and Gromit.

-THEY LAUGH

0:24:350:24:37

Hello, my little bratwurst.

0:24:390:24:41

Why aren't you ready?

0:24:410:24:43

-We were just...

-Waiting for Trevor.

-Waiting for Trevor.

0:24:430:24:46

-Why are you waiting for Trevor?

-Why are we waiting for Trevor?

0:24:460:24:48

-He's gone to get the tickets.

-Exactly.

-What tickets?

0:24:480:24:51

-Oh, no, not the tickets...

-The flexitickets.

0:24:510:24:53

-No, no, not the tickets.

-Why not?

0:24:530:24:55

-I thought we already had flexitickets.

-OK.

0:24:550:24:57

-I thought we did have them.

-Alan...

0:24:570:24:59

It was the small print, you know what these print-out tickets are like.

0:24:590:25:02

-Have you been sorting it?

-Of course!

0:25:020:25:04

We've been literally pounding away on the internet trying to get it sorted.

0:25:040:25:07

Alan, here's the selfie of us on the bike.

0:25:070:25:09

Whizz me your e-mail address, I send it for you.

0:25:090:25:12

Well, aren't you going to whizz her your e-mail address?

0:25:120:25:15

-I couldn't get through on the phone.

-How could you be so irresponsible?

0:25:150:25:18

What's up with Carol?

0:25:180:25:20

Don't interrupt, John, I'm talking to Alan.

0:25:200:25:23

Do you know what? It's fine.

0:25:230:25:24

You couldn't be bothered to take care of something

0:25:240:25:27

that was so simple, but so important.

0:25:270:25:29

Hey, come on, it's OK, Trevor's on his way back

0:25:290:25:32

and we've got a few minutes to spare.

0:25:320:25:35

Or not.

0:25:350:25:37

-You got everything?

-Er, yes, yes. Erm...

0:25:370:25:40

Thanks, thanks very much for your help.

0:25:400:25:42

-Right, take care, now.

-Thanks, you too.

0:25:420:25:44

-Keep yourself to yourself, eh?

-Yeah, yep, yeah. You too.

0:25:440:25:48

-What's that about?

-Just a mix-up.

0:25:500:25:53

-Have you got the tickets?

-Sorry, no, I couldn't get online.

0:25:530:25:56

That was part of the mix-up.

0:25:560:25:57

You should have stayed here.

0:25:570:25:58

We got on brilliant with the Germans in the end.

0:25:580:26:00

-Yeah!

-Oh, hi.

-Hi-i-i...

-You OK?

0:26:000:26:02

-TANNOY ANNOUNCER:

-'We would like to announce that

0:26:020:26:05

'the final departure of the day is now boarding...'

0:26:050:26:07

I'm fine.

0:26:070:26:08

What are you going to do?

0:26:100:26:11

You lot just get on the train.

0:26:110:26:13

Yeah, we'll get a hotel and come back tomorrow.

0:26:130:26:16

Come on, Alan, let's see if we can find somewhere to stay.

0:26:160:26:19

You're right. I'm not as keen to get back as you are.

0:26:210:26:24

It's all right, Alan, you don't have to apologise,

0:26:240:26:28

-it just gets boring, doesn't it?

-Listen...

0:26:280:26:29

I'll try and make the rest of Christmas

0:26:290:26:31

as painless as possible for you.

0:26:310:26:34

How I'm going to do that, I don't know,

0:26:340:26:36

starting off in a dive hotel in Calais.

0:26:360:26:38

Listen, the reason I'm not so keen

0:26:380:26:40

is because we always spend time with other people at Christmas.

0:26:400:26:42

Yeah, that's what people do at Christmas.

0:26:420:26:44

But I always thought we were a bit different.

0:26:440:26:47

You know what I mean, don't you?

0:26:470:26:48

First date we ever went on together?

0:26:480:26:51

To see The Discreet Charm Of The Bourgeoisie.

0:26:510:26:53

December 23rd.

0:26:530:26:55

I remember standing outside the cinema,

0:26:550:26:57

watching you walk across the road from the station.

0:26:570:27:00

It was minus six. I'd been waiting there for over an hour

0:27:000:27:04

but I told you I'd only been there for five minutes.

0:27:040:27:07

That's Christmas, Joyce.

0:27:090:27:10

Every now and again, you pull one out of the bag, don't you?

0:27:140:27:17

I thought the film was Confessions Of A Window Cleaner?

0:27:220:27:25

Yeah, I know, but it doesn't sound as romantic, does it?

0:27:250:27:28

-TANNOY ANNOUNCER:

-'This is the final call for the 16.16 departure...'

0:27:280:27:32

Not like the Germans to be last on.

0:27:320:27:34

That's lazy stereotyping, Maureen. They're just people, same as us.

0:27:340:27:37

Just joking. Course they are.

0:27:370:27:39

Just a bit tartier.

0:27:400:27:42

-Right, ready?

-Yeah.

0:27:430:27:45

Carol still nervous about the trip?

0:27:450:27:46

No, I think she's a bit calmer now.

0:27:460:27:48

CAROL SNORES

0:27:480:27:50

-Well...

-You go. I'm sure there's a train tomorrow that we can get.

0:27:500:27:54

What are you doing?

0:27:580:27:59

We're staying with you.

0:27:590:28:00

You don't want to do that.

0:28:000:28:02

Oh, yes, we do.

0:28:020:28:04

Can't spend Christmas on your own, you two.

0:28:040:28:06

Oh, yes, we can...

0:28:060:28:08

Trevor'll book us all a hotel.

0:28:080:28:09

Five-star only, Trev.

0:28:090:28:10

Merry Christmas, Joyce!

0:28:150:28:17

Anyone hungry?

0:28:180:28:20

Not that hungry.

0:28:200:28:21

I'm thirsty.

0:28:210:28:23

# Wish I was at home for Christmas

0:28:230:28:26

# Wish I could be dancing now

0:28:280:28:30

# In the arms of the girl I love

0:28:300:28:32

# Mary Bradley waits at home

0:28:320:28:35

# She's been waiting two years' long

0:28:350:28:37

# Wish I was at home for Christmas. #

0:28:410:28:45

SLEIGH BELLS JINGLE

0:28:460:28:49

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