Episode 1 Boy Meets Girl

You'll never be defeated by what other people say about you.

You'll only be defeated by what you say about you.

Well, it's nice to see some new faces here today.

So, how long have you been living as a woman?

Me?

# Hey, mister dream seller Where have you been?

# Tell me, have you dreams I can see?

# I came along Just to bring you this song

# Can you spare one dream for me? #

FOOTSTEPS Morning, love.

All right, Mum, what's these?

Blueberry and courgette.

That Spiraliser is a godsend.

Oh, you do have to watch your fingernails in it, though.

Oh, now, Jackie, be careful.

We don't want you getting all Bessie Bunter again.

No chance.

I'm enjoying being able to see my own feet for a change.

Besides, I've taken all my old clothes down the charity shop.

Oh, that's a good idea.

You often see a lot of the heavier teenage girls

poking around in there for fancy dress stuff.

SHE SIGHS

Pam...

Won't be long now, Judy.

It's starting to sting a bit.

Cos it's getting all the muck out your pores. It's a deep cleanse.

-Ouch!

-You're all right, Rita.

This one's on the house anyway - it's an introductory offer.

-Ow!

-Oh, shut up, man, you're getting it for free.

You'll never guess who didn't come home last night.

-Who?

-James.

God knows where he woke up.

Well, I hope he's met someone nice.

But what's the bet it's some slapper?

MUSIC: Sexy And I Know It by LMFAO

# Girl, look at that body

# I work out

# Girl, look at that body Girl, look at that body... #

What are you doing?

Erotic dancing.

Don't you remember?

You loved it last night.

# Everybody stops and they're staring at me... #

You OK, Peg? Heavy night?

Oh, I'll be fine.

Just need a minute to catch my breath.

-You been sniffing the icing sugar again?

-SHE LAUGHS

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Yeah, this is Leo.

Yes.

You're joking.

Oh, that's fantastic!

Aye, er...yes.

Yeah, erm...

Let us just, erm...

Let us just get a pen.

A pen.

A pen! I need a pen.

Paper. I need paper.

You all right, Mum?

Oh, I'm fine, love.

-Yes, Jamie, lad.

-All right, James.

-ALL:

-Hey!

All right, peeps, keep it down.

Rough night.

Dad, peeps. Peeps, Dad.

-All right?

-All right?

-All right...peeps?

Look at us two,

like two peas in a pod.

Aye, except I worked for 30-odd years

and you've never done a day's work in your life - not one.

You say "tomato", I say "tom-ay-to".

Jimmy.

Now, Dad, this place fills people with dread,

but not me because I've got a secret,

and I'm about to share it.

Now, any time they say the word "work",

I hear "drugs".

So, what I'm hearing is,

"What have you been doing to actively seek drugs

"in the past week?

"May I remind you that, if I decide you haven't

"been actively seeking drugs, I will stop your benefit?"

Try it. Ding, ding!

And, Judy, it won't be long for you, love,

and then we'll scrape it off.

Oh, afternoon, Anji.

Erm...

Hi, Judy!

God, I'm starving.

Been worried about you.

I was just saying to Judy, "I wonder what's happened to Anji.

"You know what she's like when she's been on the wine.

"Next thing you know, she's ordering a pizza."

Did you remember it's my half-day today?

I'm going to that transgender support group with Peggy.

Oh, you're joking us.

No. I told you last week and I put it in the diary.

No, man.

We've got mice.

SHE WHIMPERS

I'll be honest, it's very tough for a man your age to find work,

unless...

I'm not becoming a male gigolo!

I don't care what they make.

What do they make?

No. But maybe you should consider doing an apprenticeship.

An apprenticeship? I haven't just left school, you know? I'm 55.

You mature folk need to cast off traditional stereotypes about age...

if you're going to succeed in a career.

OK, I'm going to be positive.

What kind of new career can a person of my age do?

B&Q are looking for someone to collect trolleys.

A trolley wally?

We prefer "trolley assistant supervisor".

Do you?

I bet they're coming from that bloody cafe.

This is not good, Anj.

You know what mice are like, they breed like rabbits.

This has to stay between me and you. If it gets out, we're finished.

Pam, Dorothy says she just saw a mouse run into her handbag.

SHE GUFFAWS

SHE WHIMPERS

-How was it?

-What?

Your barbecue.

Did you try the barbecue pizza?

Like I say, my dad does it and it is...

I'm afraid it's the end of the road, James.

You haven't found work

and you've made absolutely no effort whatsoever.

Then there's something you should know.

I've got chronic back pain...

and I'm also obese.

You don't look obese.

I know, right?

These clothes are really flattering.

When we find you a job,

you'll have no choice but to take it or we stop your benefit.

Hi!

Hi.

SHE SIGHS

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Sorry it took me so long.

-It's OK.

-Mmm.

-Apparently I now have the skin of a baby.

-HE CHUCKLES

How was your morning?

Erm...

-Well, the agency called...

-Oh.

And, erm...

Well, basically, I...

I got the job.

Oh, that's fantastic.

28 grand, company pension, five weeks' holiday a year.

-Oh, that's amazing.

-Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

And it's in London.

-I'll be back in a minute.

-What you going to the salon for anyway?

-My phone.

-What it's doing in there?

What's with all the questions? It's like being on Eggheads.

Don't slam the...

door.

No problem. Bye!

All right?

What now?

-How's your head?

-Fine.

Now, if you don't mind...

Fancy a hair of the dog later?

Ladies.

All right. My name's Mullen, Dean Mullen.

Licence to kill... Ha!

..literally.

Not that there's anything to kill in here.

Sorry, James, I'm busy with my client.

CAMERA CLICKS

Oh, I haven't been here in years.

Oh, it's really changed, Pam.

Well, the floor's the same and the walls are the same colour,

and it still smells of mince and dumplings, but apart from that...

It's really changed.

Oh, it has, Pam.

There was a vending machine right there.

And sometimes - but only sometimes -

I'd treat myself to a bag of bacon crisps.

You really know how to live, don't you, Peggy?

Oh, I do, Pam.

It'll be OK.

We'll see each other every weekend.

-Or...

-Or every fortnight?

No, I mean...

I could come with you.

-You'd move to London with us?

-Yeah, why not?

-Are you serious?

-Yeah, I think I am.

-You said "think". You're having doubts already.

-No, I'm not. I really am serious.

I love you.

And then...

he just started shouting all this abuse back at me.

Brie, you'll never be defeated by what other people say about you.

You'll only be defeated by what you say about you.

Well, it's nice to see some new faces here today.

So, how long have you been living as a woman?

Me?

Sorry, I think there seems to have been some confusion.

How on earth could anyone think I was transgender?

Well, there's the butch haircut and your nails, and the way you are.

Yes, all right, Peggy!

That was nice to see a few of the old faces again.

Why did you stop going?

I just...sort of figured it out for myself.

And what was that?

I figured out there was nothing to get over.

But, at first...

I couldn't stop crying,

and I came here and I told everyone what was happening,

and they helped me have a breakthrough.

Right, where to now?

Hey, hang on.

What was the breakthrough?

Oh, yeah.

It is all to do with parental guilt.

You see, I realised all the pain and confusion my child

must have gone through,

and I felt bad because I hadn't been able to help.

Come on, let's have a cup of tea.

-And some bacon crisps?

-And some bacon crisps.

Break time already, is it?

It's all right for some.

What's that?

Right, that is what we in the business call mouse shite.

See, you can tell cos of the pointy ending there.

What the...? Eugh!

That's right. Wouldn't see that in a Bush Tucker Trial, would you?

-HE CHUCKLES

-No.

I'm winding yous up, man.

Just a bit of pest-control humour.

-Oh.

-Chocolate drop?

So, we don't have mice, then?

No.

You do have rats, though.

What?

Is this more pest-control humour?

Ah...

No, you get one joke per visit, love.

Do you know something, Peggy?

Me and you are actually quite alike.

I mean, we both want the best for our kids.

That's true.

We both like a laugh.

-Yeah.

-We both...

We both love Julio Iglesias.

Y... No, I don't like Julio Iglesias, but...

Oh, Pam, everyone loves Julio.

All those classic songs, like...

Oh, dear. Oh, gosh.

Peggy?

Peggy?!

# To all the girls I've loved before... #

Hey!

What's happened to Luigi's?

The owner's done a runner.

Turned out he owed a tonne of money.

Yeah - to Peggy's Delights!

Oh, hello.

Dean, isn't it?

Hi, erm...

Jackie. I used to work at the dentist.

I was the one that would say,

"You've been a good boy, you get a lollipop."

Right, bloody hell, fat Jackie!

Well, not any more.

Now it's...

curvy Jackie.

Well, may I be the first one to say that those curves really suit you?

You're not the first, you're not the second.

-Third?

-Mmm.

Erm, that's more than enough chitchat.

Let's get you back to work.

Do you fancy something sweet and sticky?

I fancy somewhere with a view of the Thames,

outdoor space for entertaining

and a spare room for when people come to visit.

OK, well, how about a one-bed

in Dagenham with a window box, 400 a week?

A week?!

Anybody there? I need a hand.

-Hello?!

-Coming.

You all right? Oh, God.

-Pam.

-SHE SIGHS

-What's happened?

-With what?

With you.

We were talking about Julio Iglesias.

Pam isn't a fan.

We were sitting having a coffee and, the next thing I know,

she's flat out on the table.

Chilli Beef Mini Cheddar?

No, thanks, Leo.

-Dad.

-Ah, man!

James, Leo's the one who betrayed us and moved out.

"How To Start Your Own Business"?

Good for you.

I can see it now.

"You're hired!

"You're fired!

"Get a haircut!"

Ha! Cool.

If I take on Luigi's...

..you and me could be in there, revitalising the local community.

We could really make go of this.

You mean like partners?

Sort of.

Dad, I love it.

From now on, James, I'm not just your father.

Oh, no.

I'm also your boss.

How long has this been going on?

Oh, not long,

just a few minutes.

Peggy, come on, you're a terrible liar.

How long?

Couple of weeks, maybe.

Oh, it's not a big deal.

I've just got no appetite

and I've been feeling a bit faint,

and I've got a racing heartbeat.

And that's no big deal?

Peggy, man.

Why didn't you say something?

Well, when you get to my age, love, things start going wrong.

Isn't that right, Pam?

Eh?

So, Roland Rat enters here, eats the poison

and it's a really sort of inhumane way of killing Roland, actually.

He'll sort of bleed internally for several hours

and then just kind of, bleugh, implode from within.

Sometimes all that's left are the little eyes

and a tiny pair of yellow fangs.

Yellow fangs?

-Is that cos he don't brush properly?

-HE CHUCKLES

Someone should invent some dental floss just for rats.

Dragons' Den, here I come.

Jackie...

I'm in.

TV IN DISTANCE

You can't leave her.

Your mum said it herself.

When people get to that age, things start to go wrong.

I mean...

What if something did happen and you weren't here?

Well, Jackie...

Look, I don't know what's going on here,

but what I do know is you have to take that job.

I don't know, Jude.

Leo, you have to.

We can work something out and it won't be forever.

Judy, will you have a word with your mam?

I'm trying to get her to have a piece of toast

and she's saying she's not hungry.

So, we go to the trans support group

and we're sat there, and there's this woman and she's going on...

What's wrong?

Hmm?

Nothing.

-DOOR OPENS

-Hi, Mum.

-Hiya.

-You all right?

-Oh!

What a day.

I need a drink.

Oh, I'm like a butler in this house.

Aye, aye.

Peggy had some kind of funny turn.

She ended up face down on the table.

What kind of turn?

I don't know, Tony, because I'm not Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I just know that something isn't right.

How often are you going to get an opportunity like this?

Aren't you supposed to be talking us out of it?

I just don't want you to make a decision that you'll regret.

I don't have to take it.

-I can just call them back and tell them I don't want it.

-Yeah, and then what?

Well...

Then...

Then you'll be back to square one.

Look, you know you have to go.

You know you do.

And you know you have to stay here.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hiya.

Well, you're looking good.

You, too.

Come through.

Mum, this is Dean.

Hiya, Dean. Lovely to meet you.

-You all right?

-She's not feeling tip-top at the moment.

Oh, and this is my sister, Judy,

-and her boyfriend, Leo.

-Hi.

Bloody hell, you're a tall one, aren't you?

-Oh, blame our dad, he were a giant.

-HE LAUGHS

-You going somewhere nice?

-Thought we'd just pop down the Nelson.

-Well, actually, I've booked us a table at the Quayside.

-Ooh.

When it comes to beautiful women, I'm more than happy to pay for it.

-HE LAUGHS

-You what I mean?

-Easy, tiger!

-SHE CHUCKLES

The Quayside's actually where me and Judy had our first date.

Yeah, it's lovely.

Oh, I'll tell you where's nice...

Oh, what's it called?

It's next to the Tyne.

Quayside, that's where we're going.

Oh, it's on the top of me tongue.

It's right next to the quay.

-ALL:

-Quayside.

What is it?

Oh...no, it's gone.

So, how did it go at the Jobcentre?

Complete waste of time.

I've had a thought, though.

Come on, then, let's hear it.

Er...

I'll just top up your glass.

Mum...

If you're OK, I'm just popping out for a bit.

At this time of night?

I'm just getting a breath of fresh air.

OK, Judy.

But don't go far.

It's a rat-infested shithole!

-And I was worried you'd overreact(!)

-Just remind me, Tony,

exactly what experience you have in running at catering operation.

Eh!

And don't you dare. That barbecue I did for your 50th was legendary.

Yes, and so was the Black Death but nobody wants a repeat of that.

I despair, Tony.

And you didn't even think to consult me, your wife...

your life partner, the mother of your children,

-the woman who...

-Pam!

It'll be a jump for James.

Well...

I mean...

When I say "shithole"...

-Anji!

-Ah!

Jesus, don't do that.

Sorry.

These are for you.

Look, I just wanted to say that, you know, last night...

best shag ever!

Thanks for that.

But, James, it's our secret.

-Tell no-one.

-Oh, I won't, I swear.

It was a one-off and it'll never, ever happen again. Got it?

Got it. What you doing tonight?

SHE SIGHS

What's going on?

Nothing.

Leo...

When it comes to people I love,

I always know when there's something wrong.

I got that job, Peggy, but it's in London.

And are you going to take it?

Yeah, I am.

Will Judy go with you?

-No.

-Oh, Leo.

But we're going to see each other on the weekends,

stuff like that.

You'll make it work.

You think?

No.

I remember, after your first date with my little pancake,

she came home and she said...

She said...

.."I think it's all just too good to be true."

Maybe she was right.

Here he is.

I know what you've been up to.

You crafty little devil.

It's all going on behind my back, isn't it?

Is it?

You walk out of here this morning an unemployed waster

and you come back in a fully-fledged member of the workforce!

Come here!

Give your mam a hug.

Oh, I'm so proud of you!

Thanks, Mum.

I've been waiting all my life for this day.

So, you're all grown-up and proper now, aren't you?

I'm the man.

-SHE LAUGHS

-You are the man!

And you know what men do, don't you?

What?

They pay board.

HE SIGHS

Peggy said you might be here.

-What's...? Is she all right?

-Yeah, she's fine.

Oh, thank God for that.

Judy...

I can't go. I can't go to London.

-Lei...

-I can't take that job and leave you here.

I know what'll happen.

People say they'll see each other at weekends,

they say they'll make it work, but...it never does.

I don't want to be away from you for weeks at a time.

I don't want to be away from you for even a day.

Sure, it's a great job and God knows I need one, but...

..if I take it, I'll lose the one thing in my life

that I can't live without.

Me?

My benefits.

-HE LAUGHS

-Of course, you!

Jude...I'm not going.

I love you.

London's overrated anyway.

-Definitely.

-I mean, yeah, you can earn more money,

there's more opportunity,

there's like a 24/7 world-class city

-with everything you could ever dream of.

-Boring, right?

-Exactly!

-Who'd want that much fun anyway?

Not me.

You're all the fun I need.

I asked you before and...

I want to ask you again.

And you should know, if the answer's no,

I will throw myself in the Tyne.

Judy...

Judy, will you marry me?

I don't want to rush you but the pavement's freezing, so...

Of course I will.

Oh, Leo!

When do we tell everyone?

Let's just enjoy it for a bit, just you and me, is that OK?

That's very OK.

How are you feeling, Mum?

Oh, not too bad.

Peggy, you're really not well, are you?

Mum, have you had any supper?

No, I wasn't hungry.

When did you last eat something?

Oh, let me think.

Was it last Tuesday or the Tuesday before I had a banana?

-Mum!

-Oh, I've been taking my vitamins, though.

-What vitamins?

Well, they're Jackie's. I've just been helping myself to them.

They're quite addictive, actually.

-These?!

-That's them.

Where'd she get them from?

On the internet, I think.

-Mum, those aren't vitamins.

-Aren't they?

These are diet pills, Peggy.

Dodgy, illegal diet pills.

Teenagers take these to stay up all night clubbing.

-No wonder you've been off your food and conking out.

-Oh, heck.

I'm back!

I have had the best date ever.

So, me and Dean were down the Quayside.

He says, "Order anything you like -

"champagne, oysters, chips - whatever."

So, I do, proper fill me boots.

Then, at the end of the meal, he puts a dead pigeon under the table,

calls the waiter over and says,

"Hey-hey, mate, what's all that about?"

Bingo - free meal!

Yeah, that's great, Jackie.

Is there anything you'd like to tell us about these?

Oh, I'm really knackered. I really should go to bed.

Jackie!

You know, I've never been clubbing, Leo.

We always used to just go in the woods

and play our bongos when we were off our tits.

"As the proprietor of a catering outlet,

"you will find the potato to be invaluable.

"Whether baked, boiled, mashed or chipped,

"it will form the backbone of your daily menu."

Oh, fascinating(!)

"Eggs, too, can be another useful staple."

Tony, you don't need to tell me about eggs, man.

"Boiled, fried, scrambled, poached."

Tony!

For the love of God, will you shut your book,

shut your gob and let's get some bleeding kip?

Aye, aye, fair enough.

Fair enough, Pam.

Oh, this bread sounds incredible.

Tony, if you say the word bread one more time...

-It's bread filled with apricot.

-Let's have a look.

SMACKING Ow!

# Meet me on the corner when the lights are coming on

# And I'll be there

# I promise I'll be there

# Down the empty streets We'll disappear into the dawn

# If you have dreams enough to share. #