Episode 2 Boy Meets Girl

# Hey, Mr Dream Seller Where have you been?

# Tell me, have you dreams I can see?

# I came along just to bring you this song

# Can you spare one dream for me? #

Morning.

"Good morning, Tony, how are you this morning?"

"Oh, good, thanks."

"Would you like a cup of tea?" "Oh, that'd be lovely."

"Here, let me do it for you."

-Where'd you get that?

-I didn't get it anywhere - Leo did.

What, are you not going to say anything?

They're getting married, Tony, behind our backs.

By God, he's a sneaky little bugger.

What's sneaky is you opening other people's mail.

Excuse me, I did no such thing.

Oh, so where did that come from?

It was in the mail.

-Who was it addressed to?

-A member of the family.

-Which one?

-Leo.

-Who opened it?

-I did.

-So you opened Leo's mail.

Well, if you put it like that, then, yes,

but you're missing the point, Tony.

They're getting married behind my back.

-Morning.

-Morning, Jackie.

Oh, you look absolutely

battered, love.

Dean stay over again, did he?

Yeah.

Crikey, it's a bit early, isn't it?

Oh, it's for the tiramisu.

Tony asked me to make him one for his soft opening.

-Say again.

-He's opening his cafe tonight.

Not to the public, just to friends and family,

so I said I'd do him one of my tiramisus.

So, it's all going well, is it?

Oh, Mum, I can't believe it.

He's amazing.

In fact, I think...

I think I might be in love.

He's kind, gentle, romantic.

Makes me feel like a real woman.

Oh, that is so lovely.

Plus he's hung like a donkey.

Aww.

All I'm saying is you don't even know if

-that's what they're actually planning.

-Well, I will in a minute.

-Give us it.

-No.

-If you don't give me that phone,

I swear I'll start plucking your nose hairs

-when you're asleep again.

-Pam, listen to us, leave it.

Even if they are thinking of getting married...

Oh, "Horse-drawn carriages with a twist."

Have you looked at this?

If they think I am getting towed to a church by a donkey with a bow on

-its head, they've got another think coming.

-We have to wait...

Oh, look, budget buffet.

"Try using onion in any traditional sandwich filling

"to make a little go a long way."

We have to wait until they announce it.

Well, what will they do about the cake, I wonder?

I mean, why even bother having a sponge?

Just bus everyone down to Greggs,

give them a bit of pocket money and let them queue up for a Yum Yum.

It's too soon, Tony, it's far too soon.

That might be true but it's up to them.

Leo and Judy, they're a couple.

We have to respect that.

Agreed?

Agreed.

Tony...

I'm out.

Charming.

I am pleased for you, love.

All I'm saying is, we don't want you rushing in feet first again.

You don't need to worry about that.

-Are you sure?

-He's only just filed for his divorce.

It'll be weeks before we put anything on Facebook.

Where are you two off to?

We are going to a trans support group.

You've not known him that long, though, Jackie.

You going to show off your boyfriend?

-You got it in one.

-I'm saying, love, you hardly really know him.

True, but Melissa who works down Morrisons does.

-Does she?

-Yeah, her mum's got two kids off him.

OK.

Right, see you soon.

Bye-bye.

Oh, Jackie, I don't mean to fuss.

-I just want the best for you, that's all.

-I know you do.

But trust me,

I know he might seem a bit rough round the edges, but underneath,

he's a real gentleman.

FROM UPSTAIRS: Jackie, there's a rat up here looking for a trap.

Aww.

Morning, Pam.

Morning, Anj.

-How are you?

-Yeah, not bad, thanks.

Erm... Hiya. Can I just...

-Pam, what is it? What's the matter?

-It is Leo and Judy, they're...

I can't even bring myself to say it.

Oh, no.

-Yup.

-They're splitting up?

-No, man.

-They're taking drugs?

-No!

-They're getting tattoos.

-What?

-They're getting matching tattoos.

He's having a Chinese symbol on his bum

and she's getting a bald eagle across her shoulder blades.

For God's sake, man, Anji!

Well, sorry, Pam, I'm just thinking worst-case scenarios here.

Leo and Judy are getting married.

I tell you what, I'd have paid good money to be a fly on the wall

-when me mam was here.

-I know.

She's unbelievable, isn't she?

She keeps going like this, she'll be more trans than you.

INTERCOM BEEPS

-Not nervous, are you?

-Of course not.

-You?

-No.

Quite looking forward to it, actually.

You can stick it up your arse!

All right?

-Go.

-Oh, man.

Come on, three minutes tops for an omelette.

Shush, let us get on with it.

Move, let me do it.

It's simple.

-Aww, give us another egg.

-Give it us.

-Come on, running out of time. Come on!

-Stop shouting at us.

You won't say that to Gordon Ramsay.

Now get on with it, you dickhead.

Oh, I...

And you said he told you about it when?

-This morning.

-What did he say?

Well, he didn't so much as say it, he more...

More what?

-He hinted at it.

-Hinted at it?

-How?

-Well, he gave us a clue and I had to figure out the rest.

Oh, so you opened his mail again.

OK, there, Dorothy?

Hot enough for you?

DRIER HUMS MORE LOUDLY

Ah-ah-ah!

Remember what we said.

Hey-hey!

OK, what's this? Check on, we've got a smoothie.

So, we need apples, oranges, bananas.

Right, come on, get chopping.

-AS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

-Get chopping now!

Do it.

Do it now!

I just thought that, as his mother,

he might at least tell me he was thinking about it.

It's not like Leo to keep secrets.

Apart from the one he had about Judy being transgender.

Well, yes, apart from that one.

Thank you, Anji, but it's far too soon.

You know how fond I am of Judy,

but it's too soon to be thinking about weddings.

We need to start thinking about an outfit.

I mean, how long before I got engaged to Tony?

That was different, though. You were waiting for his mother to kick

the bucket so you could get the house.

At the end of the day, Pam, they obviously love each other.

It's not about love, man, Anji.

It's about marriage.

Come on, Dad. Running out of time.

Come on, we can do this. Don't forget to...

BLENDER WHIRS

..put the lid on.

So my lawyer said,

"We've definitely got a case for discrimination in the workplace,

"what do you want to do?" I said sue.

He said, "It can be quite a stressful process,

"are you sure you want to go through with it?"

I said, "Look, love, I've just spent four hours in the MetroCentre trying

"to find a pair of kitten heels in size 11.

"Trust me, this will be a piece of piss."

Thanks for that, Viv.

Would anybody else like to share with us now?

I will.

I'd just like to say I'm so sorry for earlier.

It just really pisses me off when people tell me what to do.

I wasn't trying to tell you what to do, Charlie, I was just saying...

Alex.

Why, if I meet a girl, do I have to be all like, "Oh, I'm trans"?

I mean, I walk down the street and people don't know.

You know what I mean.

-Me?

-Yeah. I mean, we're born female outside, but inside, we're men.

-I'm a man, though.

-So am I.

-But I've always been a man.

-Exactly.

He's not trans. He thinks you're trans, love.

F to M, female to male.

Oh, no, I'm not trans.

I'm just a normal bloke.

"Normal"? Are you trying to say I ain't normal?

-Charlie...

-He didn't mean it like that.

I really didn't mean it like that.

Normal is a setting on the washing machine.

Leo's my partner, he just came along with me today.

He didn't mean to offend anyone.

You are trans, though, aren't you, darling?

Judy's MDF.

-MTF.

-I'll just shut up.

CHUCKLES

-How are you feeling?

-Great.

Couldn't be better. Jimmy, why don't we hold off opening the doors?

-I'm not ready, man.

-Dad.

Dad.

Listen.

-You can do this.

-Jimmy, I can't.

-You can.

-No, I can't.

-What did you do that for?

-You want to be a winner or a loser?

Believe it or not, slapping me round the face isn't exactly helping us.

What do you think Mam'll say when you turn around and tell her,

"Sorry, Pam, love, I can't do it.

"I made a terrible mistake."

Oh, shite.

"Well, Tony, wasn't it a good idea you sticking all that redundancy

"money into that rat-infested greasy spoon?

"Shame I didn't get my conservatory with the vertical blinds.

"But you take your time. These Michelin stars don't come easy."

All right. Let's do it.

Go on!

Still got kiwi in your hair.

(Oh, God, not today.)

Hiya, Pam! Hiya, Anji!

-Hiya.

-Hiya, Jackie.

Bit windy out there, is it?

Oh, right, yeah.

I was going to wash it myself but you know what it's like.

So much to do, so little time.

What with my new look, my new job, my relationship.

-Sorry, your what?

-She pulled the rat man.

Me and Dean are now a couple.

-Isn't he...?

-Divorce is coming through.

-I thought I saw him on...

-No, deleted all his profiles.

Didn't Lisa in the bookies say...?

He's had a course of antibiotics and it's all cleared up.

Dean and I are now officially an item.

Any chance of you squeezing me in?

Our boiler's playing up.

There's not a drop of hot water to be had.

So after you've done the mop,

I'll pop in your bog and have a quick spit wash in your sink, all right?

I'll check the book.

Hi, Mam.

Oh, my God, man, look at the state of you.

Spoon miss your mouth again?

How's Marco Pierre doing over there?

Keeping a lid on things.

-Anj.

-James.

-You all right?

-Fine, thanks.

You look different. Done something with your hair?

-No.

-It's your make-up.

-Different make-up.

-No.

Eyebrows. Drawn them on different.

No.

Cool.

I'm busy too, so, you know...

Catch you laters.

So, just to let you know,

there's a slight delay on proceedings next door.

So we'll be starting a little bit later tonight.

What's this? What's happening tonight?

It's a trial run of me husband's new cafe, Dorothy.

-What cafe?

-You know, the place next door.

He's taken that over, has he?

-He has, Dorothy, aye.

-God bless him.

What a shithole.

There's quite a few tugs in it.

Is that... Is that candle wax?

You going to Tony's this evening?

Yeah, probably will.

-Are you?

-Yeah. Me and Dean are going.

So this is serious, then, between you two, is it?

Could be, Anji, could be.

I'm just trying to take my time, see what happens.

Quite right, love. I mean, one wedding in the family's enough

-to be getting on with for now, isn't it?

-Sorry?

I mean, obviously, I'd prefer a church myself, Dean.

But that'll be up to Leo and Judy.

-What did I tell you?

-What?

No-one's supposed to know.

Oh, no secrets between us in this house, Dean.

How exciting.

The first of my daughters to get married.

What do you mean, the first?

You've not been married before, have you?

-Well, I...

-To be fair, though,

that wasn't what you'd really call a marriage.

-No.

-No, more a sort of sham.

-Mum!

-She didn't love him,

and she was so drunk she had to have her trainers on under her dress.

Just to stay upright.

And she didn't even know his surname till he signed on the register.

-Thanks, Mum.

-Ah, well, you know, we've all made mistakes.

-Exactly, Dean.

-The worst one was

when she got engaged to the American Marine she met on the internet.

Have you told Dean about that?

No, Peggy, she has not.

Course, he wasn't really a Marine.

Just a lad in Lagos with a grainy webcam.

And a hat with some badges on it.

She's poured more money into the Nigerian black-market economy

than Fifa.

-Haven't you, love?

-Yeah, that's enough, thanks very much.

But in case you've forgotten, this isn't about me, this is about Judy.

Oh, I'm so pleased for her.

So am I. I'm just wondering when she was going to tell us.

You know what she's like.

If anyone can keep something to themselves, it's Judy.

-Really?

-I mean, it took her 20 years to tell us she was transgender.

What?

And how long have you been seeing her?

-A few weeks.

-You know, when I first met Leo,

I didn't know what to do.

I mean, I knew I had to tell him at some point.

But...I was scared.

But then I thought, "No, I'm proud of who I am,

"and people either accept that or they don't."

So you just came out with it?

-Yeah.

-She did, yeah.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Beautiful restaurant, romantic glow from the candle,

she looked us right in the eye and said,

"Leo, I was born with a penis."

Wording's optional.

The thing is, Charlie, you know, it'll be OK.

It has been for us, I mean, we're...

-..getting married.

-Congratulations.

-Thanks.

-Cheers.

-Do you want to go for a pint?

-Oh, we can't, we're out tonight.

Me dad's just got this cafe place in Lambton Square,

and he's having an opening do thingy.

-Oh, OK.

-But you've got my number, so just give me a call any time.

And, Charlie, remember, whatever happens, it'll be OK, yeah?

-Now.

-No!

Stupid things.

Oi, here, I wonder where we'll go for the stag do.

You know, it's got to be somewhere secret.

Somewhere dark and mysterious with a seedy underbelly.

Somewhere where anything goes and anything can happen.

-Somewhere like...

-Your bedroom?

THEY LAUGH

Garcon!

LIGHTER CLICKS

FLAME ROARS

But she looks just like a woman.

That's because she is a woman.

Right, right.

But she's not really, though, is she?

-Dean!

-I mean, like, she's not really a woman, is she?

-Why's that?

-Well, because, if you've been a man,

then you're always a man.

No?

Jackie, top Dean up, and we'll talk him through it again.

Stick a brandy in it.

-Smile!

-CAMERA CLICKS

Tony?

Tony?

-Where are you?

-Madame, Buenos Aires.

James, where's your dad? What's going on?

He'll be out in five minutes.

He's a bit stressed. We think he's suffering with a burn-out.

-Burn-out?

-Take a seat.

-Anji.

-James.

Right this way.

-I can smell burning.

-I'll open the back door.

-Hiya, Peggy.

-Hello.

-Hi, Peggy.

-Is something burning?

-I told you!

-It's the candles, Peggy.

It smells like human hair.

And I know that because it's exactly like the smell when I sit with my

legs too close to the electric fire.

Sexy.

All right, mate? Is that the V620 box you've got under there?

Good choice. If you need any help rounding up the carcasses,

-give us a shout.

-Thanks.

Ladies.

What in God's name has happened to you, man?

You've got a face like a baboon's arse.

It's very hot in the kitchen, isn't it, Dad?

-Very.

-So, um...

what can Chef recommend?

Apart from a mosquito net and a course of antibiotics?

Tiramisu.

Pam. Pam, have you met Dean?

No. Hiya, Dean.

-All right?

-Pam works with Anj at the salon.

All right, Anji? Any more droppings round your back door?

None at the moment, thanks, Dean.

So, you two are an item now, are you?

-That we are.

-That's nice.

Good luck with that, Dean.

SHE CHUCKLES

How is it?

Like cat piss.

Hi! Sorry we're late.

-Hi, Pam.

-Hi, Judy.

Hi, Tony. Your face is a bit...

You all right, Dad?

Judy, Dean's here.

Oh, hiya, Dean.

All right, mate?

So, let me get this straight.

Does Pam know about the wedding?

-No.

-Eh?

She knows, but she doesn't know.

-And I know...

-That's right.

But I don't "know".

So, both me and Pam don't know.

I suppose it's sort of like the first night with the in-laws, then.

Shut up about that, Anj.

Certainly what you'd call eclectic.

That Jackie's a loose cannon.

And as for Peggy...

She's harmless.

You all right, Peggy?

I don't know.

Right.

Complete and utter nutter.

So let me get this straight.

If she's trans, does that make Leo gay?

-Right, I've had enough, I'm going over.

-No. Pam, don't.

Hiya, Mam.

Leo, Judy.

You both all right?

-Yeah, good.

-Fine, thanks.

-Have you had a nice day?

-Not bad.

Did you do anything interesting, any news?

-Like what?

-Well, I don't know.

I mean, is anything occurring that might be of any note to your mother?

-I told you, we went to the support group.

-Uh-huh. How was that?

-Good, wasn't it?

-Yeah, Leo made lots of new friends.

Did he?

-Nothing else?

-Tiramisu, anyone?

Thanks, Dad.

-She knows.

-No.

-I swear to God, she knows.

She doesn't, you're just being paranoid.

Same as his dad, can't get a peep out of him.

Do you know, if it wasn't for his travel sickness and his contact lenses,

he could have been a bloody spy.

-JAMES:

-Get out there. Go, go.

I can't just...

Everybody, everybody...

I'd like to make a little speech.

I'd just like to say... BUG ZAPPER BUZZES

I'd just like to say thank you for coming tonight.

It's been really tough getting everything ready.

And, to be honest, I didn't think we were going to make it.

But, here we are.

KNOCKING

I won't be long.

-Charlie.

-Sorry, I tried ringing you, but your phone was off.

What's up? Have you been drinking?

Anyway, with no more ado, I'd like you to sit back, relax

and enjoy yourselves.

Oh, anything on the board with a line through it

is currently unavailable.

Well, I decided to do it. I thought, "Judy's right.

"Why don't I just go for it and do what she did?

"Be true to myself."

So I did. I thought, if Tanya really likes me, then

she'll accept me for who I am.

-So I told her.

-Good for you.

-How did it go?

-Brilliant.

She burst into tears, accused me of being a lesbian,

-and then buggered off and left me to pay the bill.

-Oh...

Come in, Charlie. Everyone, this is my new friend Charlie.

-Hi, Charlie.

-Hiya, Charlie.

Grab a bowl, Charlie, there's plenty of tiramisu.

HE WHISTLES

Jesus.

-How do you think it's going?

-Excellent.

I'm so proud of you.

-You think so?

-Aye.

Once we get rid of the mice, sort the flies out

and actually start serving food,

this place is going to really take off.

-Well done, Dad.

-And me.

-Well done, Dad.

-Thanks, son.

-Dead proud of you.

-Like I've said for a long time,

this area needs somewhere that offers quality food at a fair price.

And, in the meantime, we can just come here.

Hey-hey!

GLASS TINGS

Everybody, I would like to propose a toast.

To my new best friend Judy.

You are a total inspiration, even if I am now single because of you.

Aww.

She...she is going to make Leo the best wife ever.

To Leo and Judy, everybody!

SILENCE

-JAMES:

-(Awkward.)

To Leo and Judy!

-ALL LACKLUSTRE: Leo...

-Leo and Judy.

Thanks, Mum.

We were going to tell you, Mam, honest.

-Were you now?

-Yes, I promise,

we just wanted to keep it to ourselves for a bit.

-Leo...

-FLIES BUZZ

Leo, are you sure you're doing the right thing?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

Oh, God, I was sure you knew.

God, you're a right one for keeping me in the dark,

aren't you, you little bugger?

-Oh, Mam, you dropped your book.

-FLIES BUZZ

You dead!

Is that...?

You opened my mail?

So you knew?

I didn't. I swear.

CRASHING FROM THE KITCHEN Bloody hell!

Tony?

It's all right. It's all under control.

POTS AND PANS CRASH

Sort of.

# Meet me on the corner when the lights are coming on

# And I'll be there

# I promise I'll be there

# Down the empty streets we'll disappear into the dawn

# If you have dreams enough to share. #