Episode 2 Boy Meets Girl


Episode 2

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Transcript


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# Hey, Mr Dream Seller Where have you been?

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# Tell me, have you dreams I can see?

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# I came along just to bring you this song

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# Can you spare one dream for me? #

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Morning.

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"Good morning, Tony, how are you this morning?"

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"Oh, good, thanks."

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"Would you like a cup of tea?" "Oh, that'd be lovely."

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"Here, let me do it for you."

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-Where'd you get that?

-I didn't get it anywhere - Leo did.

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What, are you not going to say anything?

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They're getting married, Tony, behind our backs.

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By God, he's a sneaky little bugger.

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What's sneaky is you opening other people's mail.

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Excuse me, I did no such thing.

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Oh, so where did that come from?

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It was in the mail.

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-Who was it addressed to?

-A member of the family.

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-Which one?

-Leo.

-Who opened it?

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-I did.

-So you opened Leo's mail.

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Well, if you put it like that, then, yes,

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but you're missing the point, Tony.

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They're getting married behind my back.

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-Morning.

-Morning, Jackie.

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Oh, you look absolutely

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battered, love.

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Dean stay over again, did he?

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Yeah.

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Crikey, it's a bit early, isn't it?

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Oh, it's for the tiramisu.

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Tony asked me to make him one for his soft opening.

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-Say again.

-He's opening his cafe tonight.

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Not to the public, just to friends and family,

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so I said I'd do him one of my tiramisus.

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So, it's all going well, is it?

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Oh, Mum, I can't believe it.

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He's amazing.

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In fact, I think...

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I think I might be in love.

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He's kind, gentle, romantic.

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Makes me feel like a real woman.

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Oh, that is so lovely.

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Plus he's hung like a donkey.

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Aww.

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All I'm saying is you don't even know if

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-that's what they're actually planning.

-Well, I will in a minute.

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-Give us it.

-No.

-If you don't give me that phone,

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I swear I'll start plucking your nose hairs

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-when you're asleep again.

-Pam, listen to us, leave it.

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Even if they are thinking of getting married...

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Oh, "Horse-drawn carriages with a twist."

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Have you looked at this?

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If they think I am getting towed to a church by a donkey with a bow on

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-its head, they've got another think coming.

-We have to wait...

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Oh, look, budget buffet.

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"Try using onion in any traditional sandwich filling

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"to make a little go a long way."

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We have to wait until they announce it.

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Well, what will they do about the cake, I wonder?

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I mean, why even bother having a sponge?

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Just bus everyone down to Greggs,

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give them a bit of pocket money and let them queue up for a Yum Yum.

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It's too soon, Tony, it's far too soon.

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That might be true but it's up to them.

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Leo and Judy, they're a couple.

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We have to respect that.

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Agreed?

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Agreed.

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Tony...

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I'm out.

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Charming.

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I am pleased for you, love.

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All I'm saying is, we don't want you rushing in feet first again.

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You don't need to worry about that.

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-Are you sure?

-He's only just filed for his divorce.

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It'll be weeks before we put anything on Facebook.

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Where are you two off to?

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We are going to a trans support group.

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You've not known him that long, though, Jackie.

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You going to show off your boyfriend?

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-You got it in one.

-I'm saying, love, you hardly really know him.

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True, but Melissa who works down Morrisons does.

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-Does she?

-Yeah, her mum's got two kids off him.

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OK.

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Right, see you soon.

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Bye-bye.

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Oh, Jackie, I don't mean to fuss.

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-I just want the best for you, that's all.

-I know you do.

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But trust me,

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I know he might seem a bit rough round the edges, but underneath,

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he's a real gentleman.

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FROM UPSTAIRS: Jackie, there's a rat up here looking for a trap.

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Aww.

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Morning, Pam.

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Morning, Anj.

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-How are you?

-Yeah, not bad, thanks.

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Erm... Hiya. Can I just...

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-Pam, what is it? What's the matter?

-It is Leo and Judy, they're...

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I can't even bring myself to say it.

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Oh, no.

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-Yup.

-They're splitting up?

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-No, man.

-They're taking drugs?

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-No!

-They're getting tattoos.

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-What?

-They're getting matching tattoos.

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He's having a Chinese symbol on his bum

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and she's getting a bald eagle across her shoulder blades.

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For God's sake, man, Anji!

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Well, sorry, Pam, I'm just thinking worst-case scenarios here.

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Leo and Judy are getting married.

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I tell you what, I'd have paid good money to be a fly on the wall

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-when me mam was here.

-I know.

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She's unbelievable, isn't she?

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She keeps going like this, she'll be more trans than you.

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INTERCOM BEEPS

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-Not nervous, are you?

-Of course not.

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-You?

-No.

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Quite looking forward to it, actually.

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You can stick it up your arse!

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All right?

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-Go.

-Oh, man.

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Come on, three minutes tops for an omelette.

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Shush, let us get on with it.

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Move, let me do it.

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It's simple.

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-Aww, give us another egg.

-Give it us.

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-Come on, running out of time. Come on!

-Stop shouting at us.

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You won't say that to Gordon Ramsay.

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Now get on with it, you dickhead.

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Oh, I...

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And you said he told you about it when?

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-This morning.

-What did he say?

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Well, he didn't so much as say it, he more...

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More what?

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-He hinted at it.

-Hinted at it?

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-How?

-Well, he gave us a clue and I had to figure out the rest.

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Oh, so you opened his mail again.

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OK, there, Dorothy?

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Hot enough for you?

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DRIER HUMS MORE LOUDLY

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Ah-ah-ah!

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Remember what we said.

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Hey-hey!

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OK, what's this? Check on, we've got a smoothie.

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So, we need apples, oranges, bananas.

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Right, come on, get chopping.

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-AS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

-Get chopping now!

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Do it.

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Do it now!

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I just thought that, as his mother,

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he might at least tell me he was thinking about it.

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It's not like Leo to keep secrets.

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Apart from the one he had about Judy being transgender.

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Well, yes, apart from that one.

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Thank you, Anji, but it's far too soon.

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You know how fond I am of Judy,

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but it's too soon to be thinking about weddings.

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We need to start thinking about an outfit.

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I mean, how long before I got engaged to Tony?

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That was different, though. You were waiting for his mother to kick

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the bucket so you could get the house.

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At the end of the day, Pam, they obviously love each other.

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It's not about love, man, Anji.

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It's about marriage.

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Come on, Dad. Running out of time.

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Come on, we can do this. Don't forget to...

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BLENDER WHIRS

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..put the lid on.

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So my lawyer said,

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"We've definitely got a case for discrimination in the workplace,

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"what do you want to do?" I said sue.

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He said, "It can be quite a stressful process,

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"are you sure you want to go through with it?"

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I said, "Look, love, I've just spent four hours in the MetroCentre trying

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"to find a pair of kitten heels in size 11.

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"Trust me, this will be a piece of piss."

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Thanks for that, Viv.

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Would anybody else like to share with us now?

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I will.

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I'd just like to say I'm so sorry for earlier.

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It just really pisses me off when people tell me what to do.

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I wasn't trying to tell you what to do, Charlie, I was just saying...

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Alex.

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Why, if I meet a girl, do I have to be all like, "Oh, I'm trans"?

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I mean, I walk down the street and people don't know.

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You know what I mean.

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-Me?

-Yeah. I mean, we're born female outside, but inside, we're men.

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-I'm a man, though.

-So am I.

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-But I've always been a man.

-Exactly.

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He's not trans. He thinks you're trans, love.

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F to M, female to male.

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Oh, no, I'm not trans.

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I'm just a normal bloke.

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"Normal"? Are you trying to say I ain't normal?

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-Charlie...

-He didn't mean it like that.

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I really didn't mean it like that.

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Normal is a setting on the washing machine.

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Leo's my partner, he just came along with me today.

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He didn't mean to offend anyone.

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You are trans, though, aren't you, darling?

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Judy's MDF.

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-MTF.

-I'll just shut up.

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CHUCKLES

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-How are you feeling?

-Great.

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Couldn't be better. Jimmy, why don't we hold off opening the doors?

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-I'm not ready, man.

-Dad.

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Dad.

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Listen.

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-You can do this.

-Jimmy, I can't.

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-You can.

-No, I can't.

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-What did you do that for?

-You want to be a winner or a loser?

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Believe it or not, slapping me round the face isn't exactly helping us.

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What do you think Mam'll say when you turn around and tell her,

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"Sorry, Pam, love, I can't do it.

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"I made a terrible mistake."

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Oh, shite.

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"Well, Tony, wasn't it a good idea you sticking all that redundancy

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"money into that rat-infested greasy spoon?

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"Shame I didn't get my conservatory with the vertical blinds.

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"But you take your time. These Michelin stars don't come easy."

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All right. Let's do it.

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Go on!

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Still got kiwi in your hair.

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(Oh, God, not today.)

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Hiya, Pam! Hiya, Anji!

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-Hiya.

-Hiya, Jackie.

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Bit windy out there, is it?

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Oh, right, yeah.

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I was going to wash it myself but you know what it's like.

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So much to do, so little time.

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What with my new look, my new job, my relationship.

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-Sorry, your what?

-She pulled the rat man.

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Me and Dean are now a couple.

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-Isn't he...?

-Divorce is coming through.

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-I thought I saw him on...

-No, deleted all his profiles.

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Didn't Lisa in the bookies say...?

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He's had a course of antibiotics and it's all cleared up.

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Dean and I are now officially an item.

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Any chance of you squeezing me in?

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Our boiler's playing up.

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There's not a drop of hot water to be had.

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So after you've done the mop,

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I'll pop in your bog and have a quick spit wash in your sink, all right?

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I'll check the book.

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Hi, Mam.

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Oh, my God, man, look at the state of you.

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Spoon miss your mouth again?

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How's Marco Pierre doing over there?

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Keeping a lid on things.

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-Anj.

-James.

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-You all right?

-Fine, thanks.

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You look different. Done something with your hair?

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-No.

-It's your make-up.

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-Different make-up.

-No.

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Eyebrows. Drawn them on different.

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No.

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Cool.

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I'm busy too, so, you know...

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Catch you laters.

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So, just to let you know,

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there's a slight delay on proceedings next door.

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So we'll be starting a little bit later tonight.

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What's this? What's happening tonight?

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It's a trial run of me husband's new cafe, Dorothy.

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-What cafe?

-You know, the place next door.

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He's taken that over, has he?

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-He has, Dorothy, aye.

-God bless him.

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What a shithole.

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There's quite a few tugs in it.

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Is that... Is that candle wax?

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You going to Tony's this evening?

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Yeah, probably will.

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-Are you?

-Yeah. Me and Dean are going.

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So this is serious, then, between you two, is it?

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Could be, Anji, could be.

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I'm just trying to take my time, see what happens.

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Quite right, love. I mean, one wedding in the family's enough

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-to be getting on with for now, isn't it?

-Sorry?

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I mean, obviously, I'd prefer a church myself, Dean.

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But that'll be up to Leo and Judy.

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-What did I tell you?

-What?

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No-one's supposed to know.

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Oh, no secrets between us in this house, Dean.

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How exciting.

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The first of my daughters to get married.

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What do you mean, the first?

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You've not been married before, have you?

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-Well, I...

-To be fair, though,

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that wasn't what you'd really call a marriage.

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-No.

-No, more a sort of sham.

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-Mum!

-She didn't love him,

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and she was so drunk she had to have her trainers on under her dress.

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Just to stay upright.

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And she didn't even know his surname till he signed on the register.

0:14:460:14:51

-Thanks, Mum.

-Ah, well, you know, we've all made mistakes.

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-Exactly, Dean.

-The worst one was

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when she got engaged to the American Marine she met on the internet.

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Have you told Dean about that?

0:15:020:15:04

No, Peggy, she has not.

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Course, he wasn't really a Marine.

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Just a lad in Lagos with a grainy webcam.

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And a hat with some badges on it.

0:15:130:15:16

She's poured more money into the Nigerian black-market economy

0:15:160:15:21

than Fifa.

0:15:210:15:23

-Haven't you, love?

-Yeah, that's enough, thanks very much.

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But in case you've forgotten, this isn't about me, this is about Judy.

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Oh, I'm so pleased for her.

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So am I. I'm just wondering when she was going to tell us.

0:15:320:15:35

You know what she's like.

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If anyone can keep something to themselves, it's Judy.

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-Really?

-I mean, it took her 20 years to tell us she was transgender.

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What?

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And how long have you been seeing her?

0:15:490:15:52

-A few weeks.

-You know, when I first met Leo,

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I didn't know what to do.

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I mean, I knew I had to tell him at some point.

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But...I was scared.

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But then I thought, "No, I'm proud of who I am,

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"and people either accept that or they don't."

0:16:040:16:06

So you just came out with it?

0:16:060:16:08

-Yeah.

-She did, yeah.

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I remember it like it was yesterday.

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Beautiful restaurant, romantic glow from the candle,

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she looked us right in the eye and said,

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"Leo, I was born with a penis."

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Wording's optional.

0:16:210:16:23

The thing is, Charlie, you know, it'll be OK.

0:16:230:16:25

It has been for us, I mean, we're...

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-..getting married.

-Congratulations.

0:16:300:16:32

-Thanks.

-Cheers.

0:16:320:16:34

-Do you want to go for a pint?

-Oh, we can't, we're out tonight.

0:16:340:16:38

Me dad's just got this cafe place in Lambton Square,

0:16:380:16:40

and he's having an opening do thingy.

0:16:400:16:42

-Oh, OK.

-But you've got my number, so just give me a call any time.

0:16:420:16:45

And, Charlie, remember, whatever happens, it'll be OK, yeah?

0:16:450:16:49

-Now.

-No!

0:16:540:16:55

Stupid things.

0:16:570:16:58

Oi, here, I wonder where we'll go for the stag do.

0:16:590:17:02

You know, it's got to be somewhere secret.

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Somewhere dark and mysterious with a seedy underbelly.

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Somewhere where anything goes and anything can happen.

0:17:070:17:10

-Somewhere like...

-Your bedroom?

0:17:100:17:12

THEY LAUGH

0:17:120:17:13

Garcon!

0:17:130:17:14

LIGHTER CLICKS

0:17:140:17:15

FLAME ROARS

0:17:160:17:17

But she looks just like a woman.

0:17:190:17:20

That's because she is a woman.

0:17:200:17:23

Right, right.

0:17:230:17:25

But she's not really, though, is she?

0:17:250:17:27

-Dean!

-I mean, like, she's not really a woman, is she?

0:17:270:17:29

-Why's that?

-Well, because, if you've been a man,

0:17:290:17:32

then you're always a man.

0:17:320:17:34

No?

0:17:370:17:39

Jackie, top Dean up, and we'll talk him through it again.

0:17:390:17:44

Stick a brandy in it.

0:17:440:17:45

-Smile!

-CAMERA CLICKS

0:17:530:17:55

Tony?

0:18:150:18:16

Tony?

0:18:180:18:20

-Where are you?

-Madame, Buenos Aires.

0:18:210:18:25

James, where's your dad? What's going on?

0:18:250:18:27

He'll be out in five minutes.

0:18:270:18:28

He's a bit stressed. We think he's suffering with a burn-out.

0:18:280:18:32

-Burn-out?

-Take a seat.

0:18:320:18:34

-Anji.

-James.

0:18:370:18:39

Right this way.

0:18:390:18:40

-I can smell burning.

-I'll open the back door.

0:18:440:18:46

-Hiya, Peggy.

-Hello.

0:18:480:18:51

-Hi, Peggy.

-Is something burning?

0:18:510:18:53

-I told you!

-It's the candles, Peggy.

0:18:530:18:56

It smells like human hair.

0:18:560:18:58

And I know that because it's exactly like the smell when I sit with my

0:18:580:19:02

legs too close to the electric fire.

0:19:020:19:05

Sexy.

0:19:050:19:06

All right, mate? Is that the V620 box you've got under there?

0:19:080:19:12

Good choice. If you need any help rounding up the carcasses,

0:19:120:19:15

-give us a shout.

-Thanks.

0:19:150:19:17

Ladies.

0:19:210:19:22

What in God's name has happened to you, man?

0:19:240:19:28

You've got a face like a baboon's arse.

0:19:280:19:31

It's very hot in the kitchen, isn't it, Dad?

0:19:310:19:33

-Very.

-So, um...

0:19:330:19:35

what can Chef recommend?

0:19:350:19:38

Apart from a mosquito net and a course of antibiotics?

0:19:380:19:42

Tiramisu.

0:19:420:19:43

Pam. Pam, have you met Dean?

0:19:450:19:48

No. Hiya, Dean.

0:19:480:19:49

-All right?

-Pam works with Anj at the salon.

0:19:490:19:53

All right, Anji? Any more droppings round your back door?

0:19:530:19:56

None at the moment, thanks, Dean.

0:19:570:19:58

So, you two are an item now, are you?

0:19:580:20:02

-That we are.

-That's nice.

0:20:020:20:04

Good luck with that, Dean.

0:20:040:20:05

SHE CHUCKLES

0:20:050:20:07

How is it?

0:20:080:20:10

Like cat piss.

0:20:100:20:11

Hi! Sorry we're late.

0:20:110:20:13

-Hi, Pam.

-Hi, Judy.

0:20:130:20:15

Hi, Tony. Your face is a bit...

0:20:160:20:18

You all right, Dad?

0:20:200:20:22

Judy, Dean's here.

0:20:220:20:23

Oh, hiya, Dean.

0:20:230:20:25

All right, mate?

0:20:250:20:26

So, let me get this straight.

0:20:280:20:32

Does Pam know about the wedding?

0:20:320:20:35

-No.

-Eh?

0:20:350:20:36

She knows, but she doesn't know.

0:20:380:20:42

-And I know...

-That's right.

0:20:420:20:44

But I don't "know".

0:20:440:20:46

So, both me and Pam don't know.

0:20:460:20:52

I suppose it's sort of like the first night with the in-laws, then.

0:20:520:20:55

Shut up about that, Anj.

0:20:550:20:57

Certainly what you'd call eclectic.

0:20:570:20:59

That Jackie's a loose cannon.

0:20:590:21:01

And as for Peggy...

0:21:010:21:02

She's harmless.

0:21:030:21:04

You all right, Peggy?

0:21:050:21:06

I don't know.

0:21:080:21:10

Right.

0:21:100:21:11

Complete and utter nutter.

0:21:110:21:13

So let me get this straight.

0:21:140:21:16

If she's trans, does that make Leo gay?

0:21:160:21:20

-Right, I've had enough, I'm going over.

-No. Pam, don't.

0:21:260:21:29

Hiya, Mam.

0:21:320:21:34

Leo, Judy.

0:21:340:21:36

You both all right?

0:21:360:21:37

-Yeah, good.

-Fine, thanks.

0:21:370:21:39

-Have you had a nice day?

-Not bad.

0:21:390:21:42

Did you do anything interesting, any news?

0:21:420:21:46

-Like what?

-Well, I don't know.

0:21:460:21:49

I mean, is anything occurring that might be of any note to your mother?

0:21:490:21:53

-I told you, we went to the support group.

-Uh-huh. How was that?

0:21:530:21:56

-Good, wasn't it?

-Yeah, Leo made lots of new friends.

0:21:560:22:00

Did he?

0:22:000:22:01

-Nothing else?

-Tiramisu, anyone?

0:22:010:22:05

Thanks, Dad.

0:22:060:22:07

-She knows.

-No.

-I swear to God, she knows.

0:22:110:22:14

She doesn't, you're just being paranoid.

0:22:140:22:17

Same as his dad, can't get a peep out of him.

0:22:170:22:20

Do you know, if it wasn't for his travel sickness and his contact lenses,

0:22:200:22:24

he could have been a bloody spy.

0:22:240:22:26

-JAMES:

-Get out there. Go, go.

0:22:260:22:28

I can't just...

0:22:280:22:30

Everybody, everybody...

0:22:300:22:33

I'd like to make a little speech.

0:22:330:22:35

I'd just like to say... BUG ZAPPER BUZZES

0:22:360:22:38

I'd just like to say thank you for coming tonight.

0:22:410:22:44

It's been really tough getting everything ready.

0:22:440:22:46

And, to be honest, I didn't think we were going to make it.

0:22:460:22:52

But, here we are.

0:22:520:22:54

KNOCKING

0:22:550:22:57

I won't be long.

0:22:590:23:00

-Charlie.

-Sorry, I tried ringing you, but your phone was off.

0:23:030:23:07

What's up? Have you been drinking?

0:23:070:23:09

Anyway, with no more ado, I'd like you to sit back, relax

0:23:090:23:12

and enjoy yourselves.

0:23:120:23:14

Oh, anything on the board with a line through it

0:23:140:23:18

is currently unavailable.

0:23:180:23:20

Well, I decided to do it. I thought, "Judy's right.

0:23:260:23:29

"Why don't I just go for it and do what she did?

0:23:290:23:31

"Be true to myself."

0:23:310:23:32

So I did. I thought, if Tanya really likes me, then

0:23:340:23:38

she'll accept me for who I am.

0:23:380:23:39

-So I told her.

-Good for you.

0:23:390:23:41

-How did it go?

-Brilliant.

0:23:410:23:44

She burst into tears, accused me of being a lesbian,

0:23:440:23:47

-and then buggered off and left me to pay the bill.

-Oh...

0:23:470:23:50

Come in, Charlie. Everyone, this is my new friend Charlie.

0:23:550:23:58

-Hi, Charlie.

-Hiya, Charlie.

0:23:580:23:59

Grab a bowl, Charlie, there's plenty of tiramisu.

0:23:590:24:04

HE WHISTLES

0:24:040:24:05

Jesus.

0:24:120:24:13

-How do you think it's going?

-Excellent.

0:24:130:24:16

I'm so proud of you.

0:24:160:24:17

-You think so?

-Aye.

0:24:180:24:20

Once we get rid of the mice, sort the flies out

0:24:200:24:22

and actually start serving food,

0:24:220:24:24

this place is going to really take off.

0:24:240:24:27

-Well done, Dad.

-And me.

0:24:270:24:29

-Well done, Dad.

-Thanks, son.

0:24:290:24:30

-Dead proud of you.

-Like I've said for a long time,

0:24:300:24:33

this area needs somewhere that offers quality food at a fair price.

0:24:330:24:36

And, in the meantime, we can just come here.

0:24:360:24:38

Hey-hey!

0:24:380:24:39

GLASS TINGS

0:24:390:24:41

Everybody, I would like to propose a toast.

0:24:430:24:46

To my new best friend Judy.

0:24:480:24:50

You are a total inspiration, even if I am now single because of you.

0:24:510:24:54

Aww.

0:24:540:24:55

She...she is going to make Leo the best wife ever.

0:24:550:25:00

To Leo and Judy, everybody!

0:25:020:25:04

SILENCE

0:25:040:25:06

-JAMES:

-(Awkward.)

0:25:070:25:09

To Leo and Judy!

0:25:090:25:11

-ALL LACKLUSTRE: Leo...

-Leo and Judy.

0:25:120:25:14

Thanks, Mum.

0:25:190:25:21

We were going to tell you, Mam, honest.

0:25:240:25:26

-Were you now?

-Yes, I promise,

0:25:260:25:28

we just wanted to keep it to ourselves for a bit.

0:25:280:25:31

-Leo...

-FLIES BUZZ

0:25:310:25:33

Leo, are you sure you're doing the right thing?

0:25:350:25:38

Yeah.

0:25:390:25:41

Yeah, I am.

0:25:410:25:42

Oh, God, I was sure you knew.

0:25:430:25:45

God, you're a right one for keeping me in the dark,

0:25:450:25:47

aren't you, you little bugger?

0:25:470:25:48

-Oh, Mam, you dropped your book.

-FLIES BUZZ

0:25:490:25:52

You dead!

0:25:550:25:56

Is that...?

0:26:010:26:03

You opened my mail?

0:26:040:26:05

So you knew?

0:26:060:26:09

I didn't. I swear.

0:26:090:26:11

CRASHING FROM THE KITCHEN Bloody hell!

0:26:110:26:13

Tony?

0:26:130:26:15

It's all right. It's all under control.

0:26:180:26:21

POTS AND PANS CRASH

0:26:210:26:23

Sort of.

0:26:250:26:26

# Meet me on the corner when the lights are coming on

0:26:310:26:35

# And I'll be there

0:26:350:26:37

# I promise I'll be there

0:26:370:26:39

# Down the empty streets we'll disappear into the dawn

0:26:410:26:46

# If you have dreams enough to share. #

0:26:460:26:54

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