Episode 4 Boy Meets Girl

This programme contains some strong language

# Hey, Mr Dreamseller Where have you been?

# Tell me have you dreams I can see?

# I came along just to bring you this song

# Can you spare one dream for me? #

Tony, did you know that the youngest person to transition was 16?

Kim Petras.

Right.

Good to know.

And here's another fact.

Are you listening?

I didn't know that, interesting.

It says here that Laverne Cox was the first...

First transgender to be nominated for an Emmy, aye, I know.

You told us last night, man.

Well, there's no harm in being better educated, Tony.

And there's no harm in getting a good night's sleep either, Pam.

Look,

Judy and Leo know they've got our support.

There's no need to go all Trans-Mastermind, is there?

I'm sorry, you're right.

Go back to sleep.

Oh, my God, listen to this!

A blue trouser suit?

Age-appropriate, tasteful,

ideal for someone your age to get married in.

You remind me of somebody.

Who?

Oh, German...

What's her name?

This could take a while.

-Claudia Schiffer!

-No!

Oh, what's she called?

Always right smart dressed.

-Eva Braun!

-No!

-Oh, I know who it is!

-ALL: Who?

Angela Merkel.

HE WHISTLES

Oi!

Top 50 alternate wedding ideas

-for an unforgettable wedding!

-HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

-Give us that back!

-Please let's go abroad.

A wedding on a beach.

Sun, sea, bridesmaids in bikinis.

Judy still thinking of asking Jackie to be a bridesmaid?

Well, sun and sea, anyway.

-Hi, love.

-Hi, Mam.

Hello, Mother.

-How's your day been?

-Oh, just wonderful.

Four spiral perms,

an asymmetric bob on a woman who refused to take off her neck brace

and an ear piercing on an eight-year-old girl called Ariel.

And, believe you me, if you'd seen the size of the hoops

her mother was trying to shove in,

never has a name been more apt.

Dinner is served, madam.

Ooh! More leftovers from the cafe, Tony?

-I wouldn't say leftovers.

-What would you say, then?

Waste. Bilge.

-Sh...

-Leftovers is fine.

I'm really not sure, I...

I think you look great.

I'm telling you, when Leo sees you walking down the aisle,

-the sparks'll fly.

-She's not wrong there, Judy.

100% polyester, this is.

Yeah, all right, Gok Wan.

I suppose a little bit in here.

And a little bit out there.

It's smashing. With a pair of high heels and your long legs,

you'll look like...

A tall Angela Merkel.

So, Leo, to what do we owe this pleasure?

Judy's trying on dresses with her mam and Jackie.

-Good luck with that, then.

-Mam...

Well, haway, Leo, they're not exactly fashion gurus, are they?

I mean, one of them feels overdressed

if she's got her knickers on and the other one, bless her,

looks like she was stitched into that anorak in 1983

and nobody's bothered to cut her free.

Tony, this is a family meal, not Man v. Food.

What d'you think?

Wow.

That's major.

It's just one of my ideas for the wedding cake.

I was thinking a castle might be nice,

so I copied a picture I found on the internet.

Then you can have

the little fairy-tale prince and princess figurines of Leo and Judy

up on the turrets.

So who's this, then?

Oh, that's Jackie.

I put her lower down so she doesn't topple it.

Are you sure it's big enough, Mum?

Oh, here he is.

All right? All right, Charlie, love?

All right, sweetheart.

Looks like Colditz.

Oh! It is!

-Come on, Charlie, we need to go.

-Where are you off to?

-Tony's cooking tea.

-Oh, that's a shame.

Why? Were you going to do us something?

No.

OK, see you soon. Bye!

-See yous later.

-See you.

-Good day?

-Exhausting.

Had an infestation at the Chinese on Northfield Square.

Kitchens hadn't been cleaned for weeks. Disgusting, it was.

Oh, love, you must be knackered.

Shall I fix you something?

No, I've eaten.

-The girl did us a sweet-and-sour pork as a thank you.

-Oh, nice.

I meant to say,

I was chatting to Angie today about places for the reception.

Anywhere in mind?

Erm... A few thoughts.

We're working on it.

What about the function room at the Territorial Army?

You know, where you did that yoga class

-and that woman farted in your face.

-No, James.

We haven't decided yet. We're going to go and see a few places tomorrow.

Oh, OK. Fair enough.

-What places?

-I don't know.

Jackie's got somewhere in mind

-and we're going to go and see it tomorrow with Peggy.

-Of course.

Well, as long as they're getting their tuppence worth in,

-that's fine.

-DOOR OPENS

-Hi!

-Hi.

-Hiya, Judy.

Sorry we're late.

Have I missed the food?

Afraid not, Charlie.

There's a plate for you in the oven.

-How'd you get on?

-Oh, don't ask.

Judy, cottage pie?

There's a hammer and chisel in the shed

if the knife and fork don't hack it.

No, I'm fine, thanks, Pam.

Leo said you're going to look at some venues

for the reception tomorrow.

Well, we'll see how it goes, yeah.

We, erm...

We actually quite fancy the Nelson.

Ooh, the Nelson.

Where the beer's cold and the welcome warm.

Or is it the other way round?

Listen, there's nowt wrong with the Nelson.

-Runs a good buffet, does Mike.

-Mike couldn't run a bath, man.

More's the pity, state of his fingernails.

We just want somewhere low-key, that's all.

Low-key?

Well, the Nelson's certainly low-key, I'll give you that.

Not exactly what me and Anji were thinking.

-Anji? What's it got to do with Anji?

-Pam, we were thinking...

Anji and I were thinking, why don't you have it at the Franklin?

Mm! Franklin, that's well pukka.

Exactly.

It's where the footballers made that sex tape.

It's the best hotel in Newcastle.

You say that, but the lighting in that room didn't look too good.

I've got connections there, as it happens.

-I'm very good friends with the assistant man...

-Janitor.

-..manager.

-Really?

-Monica. Mm-hm.

She comes in the salon.

If Anji's eczema's bad, then it's always me she gets to shampoo her.

Well, we'll have a think about it, Pam.

Mind, it's quite a hike from the registry office.

-Eh, Leo?

-Thank you, Jimmy.

Registry office? What registry office?

Well, we were thinking of getting married in a registry office.

-Erm...

-Anybody got any problems with that?

No.

Not me.

-Cue Pam! Cue Pam!

-Well, actually, I have, as it happens.

Pam, we got married in a registry office.

Exactly. And they're just not the same, are they?

I mean, not with your plastic flowers and your Venetian blinds.

The fact that you're behind on your council tax

and you might get nobbled on the way in.

Look, would everybody please just stop.

It's our wedding, we'll sort it.

If we want anybody's opinion, we'll ask for it, OK?

Fine. Absolutely fine.

Thank you.

In fact, it's probably just as well that they haven't got a date,

a venue or anything resembling a plan.

-Eh?

-Well, it'll give you time to stop stuffing your face

and get to the gym. I mean, call me old-fashioned,

but I would quite like to be photographed at Leo's wedding

on the arm of my husband,

not helping the paramedics winch him in before the vows start.

-I mean, the Franklin, that's the place, Pam.

-I know.

-Celebrity hotspot.

-I know.

I've seen people from Geordie Shore being sick outside it at weekends.

I know! But apparently it might be too far from the registry office.

The registry office?

They're going for that, are they?

-Well, I suppose.

-What?

Well, can you get married in a church if you're trans?

Yep.

Gender Recognition Act 2004, Anji.

I mean, there might be a few sniffy responses

but I would just speak to the vicar at St Matthias.

He pretty cool, is he?

Well, he's in no place to judge.

His son was born with webbed toes

and it's only thanks to the marvels of modern medicine

that the lad can even look at a flip-flop.

This whole thing is supposed to be a celebration.

I mean, I thought your lesbians and your gays and your trans

and all that crowd loved a bit of glamour and a right old knees-up.

-It's up to them, I suppose.

-But I wanted to be in OK! Magazine.

I could see it clearly.

Church wedding for local lad

who marries transgender partner 15 years his senior.

I meant, a picture of me in the pale green hat

that I showed you off the Debenhams website, but hey-ho.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Cloud 99.

Oh, hello, Joan.

Yes, I've got you down for an upper lip and forearm.

I'll never forget my wedding reception.

What a day that was!

Your gran just cried from beginning to end.

Oh, bless her.

She was a very emotional person.

Plus, I think the fact that I was three months pregnant

made it like a sort of double celebration for her.

Honestly, why don't we just go and see if the Nelson's available.

-We'd be happy there, wouldn't we?

-Yeah, it feels like us.

Oh, that's boring.

Don't get me wrong, Leo, I like the Nelson.

It's cheap, good location,

but Mike's selection of crisps leaves a lot to be desired.

You need somewhere a bit lively, somewhere people will remember.

They'll say, "Leo and Judy's wedding! I'll never forget it".

Country and western bar?

Yee-ha!

-You all right, Dean?

-All right, Charlie lad, come in.

-Is Peggy in?

-She's not. Her and Jackie are away out.

Oh, right.

What did you want her for?

It's fine, Judy asked her to look at a book for me.

Oh, right. Well, I reckon they'll be back about tea-time.

No, I'm busy. Got a hot date.

What? With a girl?

No, with a hamster.

Of course with a girl!

And she's... You know... Legit? She's a girl-girl?

-Yes.

-Oh! Well... Well done!

That's good, isn't it?

Tell you what, eh, fingers crossed, you never know, tonight,

it could be your lucky night, son, eh!

So, say, you know, you do hit it off...

-Yes?

-..and, you know, you're thinking

maybe you might want to carry this on a little bit tonight?

How would that work, exactly?

-You're thinking about cock, aren't you?

-Well, obvi... What?

You're thinking about cock. You're thinking, "Do trans men have cocks?"

What are you... Are you... What?

Come on, mate, let's get the kettle on.

We need to have a chat.

It was quite dark, wasn't it?

Yeah.

And it had a sort of musty smell.

Yeah.

And there were a lot of groups of men

in tight denim with a sort of hungry look in their eye.

What did you think, Jackie?

Oh, I agree, couldn't fault it.

Sorry, Jackie, but there is no way we're having it in there.

Well, what about the bowling club where I had mine?

Cheap bar, plenty of space for a buffet

and the grass out front is lovely and flat

if you need to lie down and sober up.

No.

We could just have it at ours.

If I shove all the furniture back, there's plenty of room for dancing.

Let's just keep looking. We'll find somewhere.

Oi!

Oh, hello!

Don't think so.

OK, so, we've got this bit,

that comes off the arm, you with me?

Yeah.

And then this all gets stretched out.

And then they roll it up.

And it's got all that fleshy stuff inside that makes it like muscle.

Like a pig in a blanket?

-Sorry.

-And then you've got these.

Where have these come from?

-These are implants.

-Right, right.

They're too round, though. More oval.

And make one a bit bigger than the other one.

Somebody's getting into this.

And these would go in your...

Your sac!

-Scrotum.

-Exactly.

And then here, in one of them, you would have your pump.

-Your pump?

-Yeah.

So you can... You know...

Oh, right, so you can do a wee!

-No! So you can...

-HE WHISTLES

-No!

-Yeah.

-No!

-Yeah.

-You mean...

You want a little thingy and you'd give it a little pump

and it goes pfft-pfft-pfft?

Oh, bloody hell!

Eh, don't tell Jackie!

She'll have me up the hospital getting one fitted in no time.

I mean, they're cutting it a bit fine.

Most places are booked up years in advance.

That's what I keep telling them, Anji.

Nobody cares what I think.

You'll never guess where Leo suggested.

Where?

-The Nelson.

-Oh, no!

-Yep.

-The Nelson's...

-Well, it's...

-It's a bit of a shithole.

Yes, thank you, Dorothy.

And as for Mike's hygiene...

-Yes, yes, it's not the freshest.

-Freshest?

He's a manky little bastard!

PHONE RINGS

-Make a bit more sense?

-Yeah.

I mean, it's one of those things, you know what I mean?

-You don't like to ask.

-That's cool, but at least you know now, eh?

That's right. Dean Mullins, specialist subject -

vermin control and people who've had sex changes.

Transgender, mate. People who are transgender.

Transgender, sorry, got it.

Eh, I tell you what, I bet it must have been sore, though.

I mean, I go in a bit too close with the clippers

and I'm on the baggy undies sometimes, never mind all that.

Well, erm, I wouldn't know.

You what?

I wouldn't know because I've not had it done.

Why not?

Because I don't know if I want to.

But you've got to, don't you?

Says who?

Whoa, whoa, this is too much.

So you've had...

But you haven't had...

So you're half-half, then.

There, off you go, Dorothy.

Enjoy!

-Hiya!

-Hey! Here he is!

-Hi, Anji.

-Hiya.

Dare I ask how it went today?

Good, yeah.

Not decided yet, but a few options.

Good. Good.

Erm...

I just wanted to say sorry if I was short with yous last night.

It's just...

There's so much going on and...

You know, people with different ideas of what we should

and shouldn't be doing, I just...

I stressed myself a bit and I'm sorry.

Ah, you're all right. Come here, give us a hug.

Ah!

Look at the state of you.

-What?

-Look at the state of those brows, Anj.

Ah, Leo.

Cristiano Ronaldo wouldn't be seen dead

with that sort of growth going on. What you playing at, man?

Plonk yourself in that seat and I will fix you up.

-Oh, no, I'm not...

-No, no, no, no, come on. Come on.

Now, Anj, normally I would thread

but I think it might be easier

if I just tweeze these little stragglers.

-Argh!

-Oh.

It's such a shame that you haven't found anywhere that you like,

but, never mind, at least you've got Peggy and Jackie to help you.

Ow! Right, that's enough!

-What the...

-Pin him down, Anj!

What on...

-Argh!

-If it was up to me...

-It's not up to you!

Of course it's not, silly me!

-Argh!

-Even though I am your mother!

Ow! Right, that's enough! I said that's enough!

-Say you'll go to the Franklin.

-No!

-Ow!

-Why not?

-Because!

You see, the Franklin, Anj, is the best hotel in Newcastle,

but it's not bloody good enough for our Leo, is it?

Ow! Right, OK! If I say I'll go, will you stop?

-Yes!

-All right, I'll go.

-Promise?

-I said I'll go! I'll go!

-Ow! What?

-There, all done.

PHONE RINGS

Right! Pretty sure I've got it now.

Right! So, at the end of the day,

I'm a man because up here I'm male.

So remember what I said?

Gender is...

-BOTH:

-..what's between your ears, not what's between your legs.

Right. Oh!

HE MIMICS A MACHINE GUN

So...

What do you think?

Oh, this is how the other half live, eh, Pam!

It's pure class, isn't it?

Man on the door called me madam!

Well, they can't get everything right.

Hello.

Would you inform your assistant manager that Mrs Pamela McDonald

is here to see her?

-Certainly, madam, just bear with me.

-Thank you.

Wahey!

-Wow!

-What?

You must have a full workout just trying to pull yourself into those.

-What's wrong with them? Quality gear, this.

-Must be.

He's had them for 30 year.

Right, now Pam has given me strict instructions

that you guys must be ripped and ready for those wedding pics.

-So, watch and learn, eh?

-Er, excuse me.

It's not the first time I've been in a gym.

I'm not a complete novice.

OK. Let's start with some cardio.

Better still,

we'll start with a run.

Thanks so much for fitting us in, Monica.

Oh, it's a pleasure, Pam.

Is it your first time at the Franklin?

No!

Well, not for me, anyway.

-It is for me.

-And me.

Oh, we've been before.

-Have you?

-Yes.

Jackie got caught short and came in to use the toilet

while I waited on that chair and ate a nice egg sandwich.

Ah!

-How you doing?

-Yep, no problem!

What about you?

Good, mate. All good.

James...

James, stop!

It's all about balance,

determination

and, above all, focus.

Got it.

Jimmy, man!

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Yeah!

-What do you think?

-It's pretty swanky, isn't it?

Oh! This is very nice, Monica.

Very, very nice indeed.

I love the colour on the walls.

It's very unusual.

-It's magnolia, Pam.

-Mm-hm.

What's the height on your fire doors, Monica?

Sorry?

Just for getting the cake in and out.

One thing I would like to discuss with you is the canapes.

Oh, good thinking, Pam.

Though there is that big one out the front.

People can just smoke under that.

I do think it's important, don't you, Monica,

that people aren't drinking on an empty stomach,

otherwise they'll be chucking their guts up at three in the afternoon!

Well, we offer a wide range of catering options.

We regularly have functions for up to 250 people at a time

with a wide range of dietary requirements.

But do you cut the crusts off the sandwiches, Monica?

Fiddly but worth it.

What do you think?

It's a bit much, isn't it?

I mean, apart from anything else, we'll never fill the place.

Don't be so daft!

By the time we've invited all your dad's side,

your auntie Margaret and then some of the ladies from the salon...

And I'm sure Mrs Artley here has a few from her side

she'd like to invite.

Am I right?

A few, but most of my lot are dead.

Oh!

You know, Charlie, I did a lot of exercise when I was younger.

-Yeah?

-Why?

Football, basketball,

handball.

-That's a lot of balls, mate.

-No, it's all true.

-Hey-hey!

Right, now we're going to stretch out our hamstrings, OK?

So, right leg forward.

And lunge.

Oh, I'm slipping!

I'm slipping, lad!

Oh! Get us up!

-Smooth.

-Oh!

HICCUPING

-Is she OK?

-Oh, she's always like this with fizzy stuff, Monica.

She just needs a right good burp to shift it.

-I just need somebody...

-SHE HICCUPS

..to do something to give me a fright.

Off you go, Jackie, take your make-up off.

So, including the ice sculptures,

the canapes, the bagpipes...

-Mam...

-Shush!

-..the champagne fountain...

-This is bonkers.

-Mam!

-Not now, Leo.

-..a DJ for the evening...

-Mam, honestly?

-..and the photo booth.

-Mam, let's just stop.

This is nuts! We can't afford any of this.

-What planet are you on?

-Leo, my darling, there is no reason

for you to worry about a thing

because it won't cost you a penny.

What?

Consider this a gift

to you and Judy from me and your dad.

Yes, we might have to do without some of the finer things in life,

like holidays, meals out, heating,

but nothing is too good for our boy.

Now, why don't you go and get your mam another glass of champagne...

..and me and Monica will start crunching numbers.

-Mam...

-Thank me later.

Come on, then, Monica, let's start talking turkey.

THEY GROAN LOUDLY

I reckon that'll do us.

How you feeling?

Aye... Spot on.

-Just give us a minute to get my...

-I'll just text my mam.

You're not nearly as bad as I thought you were going to be.

-Cheeky bugger!

-Just to let you know,

Dad hasn't had a heart attack.

This is the most pretentious place I've ever been to in my life.

I know.

How do you feel about little church, nice dress...

For me or for you?

For me.

Sounds perfect.

So, that's that.

Oh! She thought it were going to bounce!

So, we'll be in touch. I have all your contact details here,

but, in the meantime, that's the deposit paid

and you can clear the balance closer to the time.

Much obliged, thank you very much.

Sorry, Monica, I thought you said deposit.

Hi. Mam, can I talk to you?

Hang on a minute, Leo.

I think I must have misheard you because I thought you said deposit.

-Yes.

-When obviously what you meant to say was...

-Deposit.

-Right.

-Mam, me and Judy, we're really sorry...

And so the balance will be...

Er, let me see.

-Mam!

-Pam!

-What?

I don't want you to think we're ungrateful because we're not,

we really appreciate everything that you're doing for us, don't we?

-Absolutely.

-But, honestly, all this...

It just isn't us.

This isn't our kind of place.

I'm sorry, but

-it's just not happening.

-There you go.

You're fucking right it's not happening.

Do you know something, Monica?

I'm going to have to take this one and discuss it with my husband,

if that's all right.

Where we going?

Well, let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

I will and thanks again.

Sorry for the rush and thank you.

Oh, and the money I've already paid, that's...

Is non-refundable, I'm afraid.

What about if I said I'll take my knickers off

and do a cartwheel through your reception?

Come with me and I'll see if there's something we can sort out.

Oh.

You did well, mate. It's not easy if you haven't done it in a while.

I'm strong stuff, Charlie boy.

Takes more than a bit of exercise to knock me off my perch.

Fit!

Ow!

Oh!

-There's a door there.

-Aye.

-All right, Pam?

-Hi, Mike. I'm fine. How are you?

-Aye, champion.

-Good.

Now, as you all know, and I've said so from the start,

I think we could do a lot worse than the Nelson.

# Meet me on the corner when the lights are coming on

# And I'll be there

# I promise I'll be there

# Down the empty streets we'll disappear until the dawn

# If you have dreams enough to share. #