Episode 5 Boy Meets Girl

# Hey Mr dream seller Where have you been?

# Tell me Have you dreams I can see?

# I came along Just to bring you this song

# Can you spare one dream for me? #

Open your mouth.

Can you remember how that tastes?

-Yeah, but, erm...

-Incoming.

Ah! Mm.

SHE LAUGHS

A bit of warning next time.

Is that canape more tasty, less tasty or the same?

Mmm...more tasty.

More tasty, less tasty or the same?

Erm...more tasty.

Oh, wait, that was the same as the last one.

You should have said the same. Come on, Judy, take it seriously.

Please don't think I'm not grateful

for you offering to do all the catering, Mum.

When Mike down the Nelson told me the kitchen was being done up

the exact week that you and Leo are getting married, well, I thought, destiny.

-Yeah, well, it's just that, I don't know if this is helping.

-How else will I get it right?

Oh, Mum, you always get it right.

BUZZER

That will be the next lot.

I hope you've left room.

I don't know how much more I can take of this. It's like vol-au-vent Russian roulette.

-What am I going to do?

-Don't ask me, I'm far too busy

doing the finishing touches to your hen night!

Do you think she'll be offended if I ask somebody else to do the catering?

I know not everyone likes liver,

so I thought why not mix liver with things that people do like?

Liver and chocolate.

-Jackie, you like chocolate.

-Carbs.

I've been on stags you wouldn't believe.

Strippers punching out the best man in a rundown theme pub.

20-stone blokes crying their eyes out at four in the morning on the Scotswood Bridge.

-I told you, you're not coming to mine.

-Remember when we went for drinks after work

-and I blagged you into the VIP casino?

-I remember losing half a month's wages.

-You loved it.

And when we had to stay late, and to kill time we replayed the entire

1987 BDO Darts Championship, match for match?

I still don't see why I had to be Eric Bristow.

Look, my point is, when I'm there, fun happens and when I'm not there...

-OK, OK, you can come.

-Yes!

-But I have to warn you -

James could be planning anything. It might get intense.

I can do intense.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

So, what's Judy doing for her hen?

I am not drinking out of a straw with a cock on the end of it.

I am definitely not going to be wearing a pink cowboy hat,

and I am definitely not sucking whipped cream out of the chest hair

of some moonlighting PE teacher dressed as a naughty fireman.

Come on, Pam, who's to say Jackie hasn't planned something classy,

restrained and tasteful?

Well, thank God you're here to soak up some of the madness.

Right, I'll just take this lot out and then we're ready.

What's this?

You were taking the bins out.

Oh, this isn't my rubbish, but it was my bin, but whose could it be?

Let's have a look, shall we?

Coffee grounds, a stack of menus with the word menu misspelled,

stale cupcakes covered in what looks like minced beef...

-It's like it's come from some sort of cafe.

-Tasty Tony.

This is the fourth time this week.

My bin says salon, his bin says cafe, how's that difficult?

Anj, the thing with Tony is, if you want something doing,

it's best to do it yourself.

-Do you think this is funny?

-Well, it's only a bin, Anj.

-My bin, that I pay for.

-Right, I'll have a word.

What, you want us to go now?

Uh-huh, now.

-The stag do.

-You mean the stag do to end all stag dos?

Stagmageddon, stagpocalypse...

-It's not going to be mucky, is it?

-Mucky? Hah.

Dad, how can you think so little of me?

Because I found this - "James' Secret Stag Plans."

Secret.

-Look at you two.

-Fit.

These...

-are yours.

-Huh?

You put them in my bin, again.

-Uh-oh. Bin wars.

-I pay for that bin, but if it's full of your rubbish,

that means I need to pay for another bin, with my money.

I told James to put it in the right bin.

I am dangerously undertrained.

I don't care whose fault it was, it just doesn't happen again, understood?

TOGETHER: Yes, love. CAR HORN TOOTS

-Oh, there's your cab.

-So, what do you reckon?

Karaoke in a rough pub or chicken in a basket down the bingo?

I don't know Pam, they're your family.

And no mucky stuff on this stag do.

HE SNORTS

No rubbish in the salon bins, no muck on the stag do.

Let's stag!

I cannot wait to get mortal.

-Mortal?

-Shitfaced, pissed.

Wasting NHS resources, flat on my back and fighting the pavement.

-It's not going to be like that.

-Tonight, anything can happen.

You and you are going to love what I've got planned. Shh.

THEY CHEER

Sorry I'm late. Got room for one more?

-Hiya.

-The more the merrier.

-But she's a girl. No offence.

See, I told you they'd notice.

Whoa, you can't have a girl on a stag do, man.

What if we want to be rude?

You want to be rude? I'll make you blush like a vicar at a glory hole.

-It's not going to be like that.

-It's my stag, she's coming.

But this is an all-male environment, where male things happen.

Manly things.

All-male men, doing manly things to another man.

-Oh, she's going for it.

-Eh, just like your mam.

Wow.

Oh, yes!

-I think she'll keep up.

-Welcome aboard.

Lucky for you there was a no-show,

but don't come crying when things get staggy.

So, who's ready for Leo's stag do?

-ALL:

-Yes!

-I said...

-Shoes!

I said, who is ready for Leo's stag do?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

No, Mum, grab a big plate, pile it high, here you go.

How great is this place?

You can eat as much as you want.

-I'm sure it won't be all that much.

-Are you mad?

They've got everything - curry, sweet and sour, meat.

After all this healthy eating, I deserve a night of greasy fun.

All those healthy diet pills.

I could do something like this for your wedding, piles of everything.

Sometimes less is more, Mum.

First things first, stag uniforms.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. Customised and everything.

Get them on. Here we go.

-One for you...and catch.

-Snog a stranger?

-Yeah.

-That's just a standard night out.

Piggyback race on a fat man? What is this?

Stag checklist, you do one and you tick it off.

Streak across Rynek Glowny.

What's a Rynek Glowny?

It's the main square, in Krakow.

In Poland.

-You didn't?

-Oh, mate, he did...

-Oh, I did.

I saved the coupons from the paper,

bought the cheap plane tickets and we are invading Poland.

-ALL:

-Yes!

-Poland, where we'll be going go-kart racing...

-ALL:

-Yeah.

-..visit a beer festival...

-ALL:

-Yeah!

..and enjoy cheap strippers all night.

24 hours of madness and then back home.

Mate, you legend. I honestly thought we'd just end up down the Nelson.

No.

These tickets are for yesterday.

No way, man, it's today, it's...

Shit.

Shit.

-Shit!

-What about the go-karting and the discount strippers?

And all that Polish sausage?

-How can you get the dates wrong?

-It's OK, mate.

Anyone could have made that mistake. We can still have a stag.

-How?

-We'll just go down the Nelson.

-Aye, aye, come on.

-No way.

-Nah, it's not over yet.

It's all over, I messed up the tickets.

-Have you got more booze?

-Obvs.

I got it for the coach to the airport.

Right, break that out, get everyone good and pissed.

Stag, get your T-shirt on.

You, if he's still sober when I get back, there'll be trouble.

Big fella, come with me.

-Yes ma'am.

-W-w-wait, I don't understand, what's going on?

Well, if we can't go to Poland, I'll bring it to you.

That all sounds like a lovely story, but...

Hey, hey!

There you go. That's one ticked off.

And before the rest of you start getting ideas, that was purely pity.

Right, come on.

-She's your boss?

-I know.

-Hi.

-Oh, hi.

Sorry we're late. Oh, this place looks...

It looks like someone's freezer's packed up and they had to cook everything at once.

I know, isn't it brilliant?

Come on, son, anyone could have made the same mistake.

But it was going to be awesome. You know what's Polish for awesome?

-Niesamowite.

-DOORBELL RINGS

Man, it was going to be niesamowite.

It's fine, man. We'll have a few drinks in here and then head into town, it'll be fun.

-Hiya.

-Wahey.

-Now then, lads...

-What the...?

We've got Polish vodka, Polish beer,

pickled beetroot and some very strange looking sweets, and...

-..this!

-Wahey.

-Kielbasa wes...

-Weselna.

-Weselna.

Known to its mates as the wedding sausage.

When I told Piotr at the Polski Sklep that you were getting married

he insisted I took one, so there you go, early wedding present.

Welcome to Poland, son.

Whatever else happens tonight, you are definitely getting the sausage.

I mean, come on, a bin's a bin.

You'd think she'd see the funny side of it.

It's like when I accidentally shaved Mrs Scott's head,

she didn't find that funny either.

Then again, nor did Mrs Scott.

Ooh, spring rolls!

Dad, move!

Sorry, lads. Sorry.

Move.

Well, they say he's the best man,

but he's driving like a pensioner in a snowstorm.

And he's about to be lapped by the groom. The shame must be unbearable.

My car's broke, it's not even moving.

Who needs go-karting, when you've got the real thing?

I haven't played this for years, and you're still shit at it.

Fetch.

Play nice, you two, or it's going back in the attic.

I remember one time I caught her using my sunbed to defrost poultry.

Left the whole salon stinking like a Chicken Cottage.

-Spring roll?

-For God's sake woman, you're obsessed.

I've said sorry, Tony's said sorry, what more do you want?

I want to know my bin's not full of your husband's rotten garbage.

-Get up!

-Two giant men are now wrestling near the track,

it's all gone a bit Godzilla very quickly.

-The groom, he takes it.

-Yes, come on!

Right, I want a rematch and I want it now.

And I want to be the white one.

THEY LAUGH

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PLAYS ON PIANO

Everyone, play along.

What's going on?

If it's your birthday, this place gives you free cake,

so you're not a hen, you're a birthday girl.

It's all-you-can-eat, why do you need free cake?

Who'd come here for their birthday?

So, who's the birthday girl?

That would be me.

-Happy birthday.

-I didn't even get you a card.

THEY LAUGH

-Who needs Poland, eh?

-Aye.

There's not much chance of scoring with a fitty on the family settee.

There's Kat, if you dare...

She's OK, average.

But, you know, these days I tend to go for the proper A-list lasses,

you know?

-Really?

-Mm.

-Hmm.

Like who, pray tell?

-Wouldn't you like to know?

-Yes, I would, that's why I'm asking, go on.

-No.

-Name one.

-No.

-Just one, go on.

OK.

I'm sorry again about your bins, I know how much this salon means to you.

-I'm over it.

-If you think Tony has a problem finding the right bin,

imagine what it's like sleeping with him!

THEY LAUGH

-I'll give you clues.

-OK.

-Fittest bird we know.

-Mm-hm.

Proper into me.

Mum's boss.

Bad enough trying to up-sell collagen lip fillers with him

always hanging around the place, banging on about his clicky hip.

-Anji?

-Shut up!

As if! You're like a four in bad lighting, she's like a nine.

She'd laugh you out the room.

Well, we weren't laughing, Leo. No, no, no.

We were too busy doing it.

Oh, come on, he's had a lot of trouble with that hip.

Aye. Not enough to lay off the kebabs and the chips and the burgers...

I think somebody's had enough to drink.

It's a hen, getting pissed is the whole point.

Waiter!

Look what you've done now.

Sticky ribs. Ooh, just a bit there.

-And a bit there.

-I'm OK. I'm OK, Mum.

-You're covered!

Hey, no-one douses my sister in sweet and sour sauce, not at her own hen do.

No, Jackie, no!

SHE SCREAMS

Do you think this is funny?

You cheeky cow, you want a food fight? I'll give you a food fight!

Death or glory!

THEY SCREAM

ALL: Na zdrowie!

Oh!

Oh, God.

You see, the thing is, Leo,

-what women want...

-Now, I can't wait to hear this.

-Come on.

-Well, what they want... What a woman wants...

Just nod, smile, and say yes and you'll be grand.

Well, how about we ask one? Kat?

No. I'm staying out of this.

What women want is a man who knows what he wants, and how to get it.

Ah! So I take it the date went well, then?

Well, we snogged on the doorstep.

She asked me how I want my bacon done in the morning.

-Ho-ho!

-So, you tell me!

-Yes, man-man.

Well, he's not the only one who knows how to please the ladies.

-Up top.

-I've got it!

I've got it. What a woman wants is simply...

You know what, mate? You're OK.

The way I see it, I've got a lifetime with Judy to figure it out.

-ALL:

-Ugh!

Isn't he precious?

Right! Let's head out.

-To town!

-Or we could just stay here!

-ALL:

-Yeah!

-Right, more vodka shots.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

-Na zdrowie!

I said, the sign says all you can eat, not all you can throw!

-Now out!

-Nice work, Pam!

Me? It was you who started it!

Yeah, and it's me that'll finish it. And it's my hen night,

and we're all going to get along. All right?

Friends?

Friends.

-Get out!

-Oh, I never got my banana fritter.

(Sorry.)

Mate. Mate, look. I just want to say, mate...

..great stag, mate. Great stag.

And we didn't even get out the front door!

When you get to my age, there is no-one in town that can beat the couch,

the telly and a toilet without a queue.

Na zdrowie!

-Hey, you want to watch that one, mate.

-Mm.

-Tell us about it!

-She's looking at you like she's the dog and you're the ball.

What?

No, she's just a mate!

Mate! Mate? Eh, mates don't hug and kiss each other.

-There you are, big fella.

-Cheers, Kath.

-Come on, stag.

Your turn.

-You're drinking.

-No, I don't want to.

-Come on. Have it. Yes.

Wimp.

I beat the master. Watch me, watch me.

-So we've done the beer festival.

-And the A-Z of Polish beers.

-We've done the go-karting. Thank God

-I didn't let your mum throw it out, eh?

But we haven't done the strippers.

Oh, OK.

-What?

-Come on, then.

-Strip.

-ALL:

-Get it off!

-Get it off!

-ALL CHANTING: Get it off!

OK! But if I'm doing this, I'm doing it properly.

Lights! Music!

-Got it.

-Is anyone here under the age of 18?

-Me!

-Sing for me, girls.

Woo, yes!

THEY LAUGH

Come here, poppadom.

Get off me, man.

-And now, for the main event.

-Yes!

Who knows what's Polish for tiny?

THEY CHEER

Mum, this is a private show.

Put it away, man, James! It's not big and it's not clever.

-Hiya, Peggy.

-Hiya, love.

Why aren't you lot out doing something that I wouldn't approve of?

Change of plan. Why have you got rice in your bra?

-It was a hen night, Tony. It got a bit messy.

-Come here, rat man!

-Why is Kat here?

-Oh, she came to the stag last minute.

-That's OK, right?

-Yeah, sure, why not?

-Where did all this lot come from?

-Poland!

-ALL:

-Na zdrowie!

Why don't I run us something up in the kitchen?

-If you don't mind, Peggy.

-Oh, I've been dying to get my hands on that shiny new cooker of yours.

-Right, more vodka shots.

-ALL:

-Yes!

-Na zdrowie!

-Na zdrowie!

-Punch a horse?

-Yeah.

-And you ticked it?

-The horse was asking for it!

Oh, Worcester sauce!

-No way.

-Then they started throwing food at each other,

so I hid under the table.

They had very nice carpet.

It sounds class.

That smells interesting!

Oh, it's an old family recipe.

Take whatever's in the kitchen, throw it in the pot,

turn up the heat and add vodka!

SHE LAUGHS

-You OK?

-I'm just...

-It doesn't matter.

-I'm going to get you some water.

I thought you wanted a repeat performance?

This just feels a bit wrong.

SHE RETCHES

I think I'm going to be sick.

-James and Anji?

-He told us they slept together once already.

I thought he was winding us up!

-Upstairs now, doing stuff?

-Yeah.

It looks like I'm not the only one in this family with a thing for older women!

-Strippers?

-No. Unless you count James.

Drug use, fist fights?

Nope and nope.

So, what did you do, then?

We went to Poland!

Who is Mrs Jones?

-Hiya.

-I need to have a word.

-A serious word.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

Erm... Look, I think you're great girl and erm...

a great boss and a great girl...

-Are you coming on to me?

-No! You're coming on to me, aren't you?

-What are you up to?

-Nothing!

-You'll never guess what he thinks!

-No, no, no!

-He thinks I fancy him!

-Oh, does he?

I don't fancy her, I just didn't want her to get the wrong impression about me.

And do you fancy him?

SHE LAUGHS

Leo, he's a lovely lad and he is a good laugh.

But seriously?

He's a mummy's boy.

You're soft as muck.

I prefer something a bit, you know, a bit rough.

I can do rough!

His pyjamas have cars on them.

Racing cars.

So, sorry, flower. Nothing doing.

Which is lucky for me, because he is head over heels for you.

-You're never going to let us forget this, are you?

-Nah.

Mam!

-Get out of me way!

-How about a dance? You always like a dance.

Leo, I need to change. I've got a bra full of egg foo yong.

Selfie! Yes, that's it.

There we go. Whoa, come back.

Tony, will you tell your son to let me go?

-Move, I need the toilet.

-No, no, you can't, because...

Because...because...Judy had a bit of an incident up there, it is not pretty.

Well, the food at the restaurant was very greasy and...

-I'd give it a minute.

-Who wants to eat?

-Sorry!

-I'm starving. It's nice, this.

Cheers.

-This tastes really...

-Boozy?

Oh, I was going to cook off the booze!

And then I thought, if I cook off the booze,

they won't be able to taste the booze, so I added more booze,

just to be sure.

-Mum?

-Upstairs.

-Shit.

-What?

James and Anji...

-upstairs.

-Sorry,

when you said James and Anji upstairs, I thought you meant...

I did.

Only time you fancy us is when you're too drunk to stand up.

Even I can take a hint.

-Sorry, pet.

-It's fine.

We can be friends.

Mates? Sort of mates.

Pen pals.

I think your mum's going to notice we're not downstairs.

-Yeah, let's go.

-No, I can do it.

-OK.

Sorry about the wash basket.

It's fine. What's a basket full of sick between this?

What are you two doing in there?

I know he's my son, and I love him, but what was Anji thinking of?

The jammy bastard!

-Not as jammy as me, like.

-At least he died doing what he loved.

And maybe Pam will see that they're two responsible adults and it's none of her business!

-Hah!

-Have you met Pam?

If they don't come down soon, there'll be no sausage left!

What? She's OK.

Jimmy's taking care of her. I'm so proud of him.

-Proud?

-Yes!

My boy knew exactly what to do!

Because Anji was ill. So I just made sure she had plenty of water

and something to be sick in. To save mum's carpet.

My guardian angel.

Right, Anji. I'm going to lend you one of my coats,

and then I'm going to ring you a cab.

-How on earth..?

-I took care of business. Chill.

-Nothing happened!

-Thank God!

-If your mam...

-Here you are.

-I think it's for the best.

-Be careful not to vomit on it!

You should never try and repeat a one-night stand.

Does anyone fancy a cup of tea?

You what, Peggy?

Nothing happened!

# Meet me on the corner When the lights are coming on

# And I'll be there I promise I'll be there

# Down the empty streets We'll disappear into the dawn

# If you have dreams enough to share. #