Episode 6 Boy Meets Girl


Episode 6

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Transcript


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# Hey, Mr Dream Seller, where have you been?

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# Tell me, have you dreams I can see?

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# I came along just to bring you this song

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# Can you spare one dream for me? #

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SHE GASPS Judy, night before the wedding...

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Any last words as a virgin?

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-Ha-ha, very funny!

-Oh, come on, this is your wedding video.

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You'll have this for the rest of your life.

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So, how are you feeling?

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Erm, good. Nervous, but good.

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Go on.

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Erm, OK... Well, er, I'd just like to say I'm really excited...

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All right, that's fine. You do me. Sit down.

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So, it's the night before Judy's wedding,

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and welcome to me! JUDY LAUGHS

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I want to wish the happy couple a lovely honeymoon in Wales.

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In fact, when I asked Leo what he had planned after today,

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he said he's going to bang 'er for a fortnight!

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Hoo-ha! What do you think?

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No.

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Ooooh! What have we got here?

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Hello. It's the seating plan.

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Mum, it's a buffet. People can sit where they like.

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Oh, you say that, but it's very dangerous to let Uncle Walter

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sit next to Hazel from the dry cleaners.

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You know what happened last time... with that chocolate eclair.

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Leo's only had one girlfriend prior to Judy,

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and I'm glad to say that they kept in touch for over two years...

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But then me mam wanted a vac with a bit more suction.

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No.

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BOTH: # Get me to the church

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# Get me to the church

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# Be sure and get me to the church

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# On time! #

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All right, all done?

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# I'm getting married in the morning! #

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Are you still filming?

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I once read that the best man speech should be no longer than it takes the happy couple to make love.

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So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr and Mrs Macdonald.

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Boof!

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Drop the mic!

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No, no, no and, er, no.

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Are you all right, love?

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I'm OK. A few butterflies in my tummy.

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Aww! Have you been to the toilet?

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Who'd have thought it?

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I still can't quite believe my luck.

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Oh, it's not luck, love.

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You deserve it all.

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Leo is a very lucky young man.

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And don't you ever forget that.

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Oh, Mum!

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Oh!

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No, you're going to have to do it again.

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My battery died. Wait there.

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I'll put Charlie on the sofa tonight.

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I was going to put him in with James,

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but the poor lad's been through enough in his life already.

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Thanks, Mam.

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Here, give us that.

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-I'll run the iron over it.

-Oh.

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Did you get the new underwear I told you to?

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Yes, Mam. Special wedding pants, special wedding socks, special wedding shirt...

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-Oh, did you pick up my suit from the dry cleaners?

-What?

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Oh, Mam, tell us you didn't.

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-Leo!

-Oh, Mam, I'm joking!

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-Oh...!

-HE LAUGHS

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What do you think that is - me tracksuit?

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Before I forget...

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this is for you.

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-What's this?

-It's a letter.

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Yes, I can see that. Who's it's from?

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It's from me to you.

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Mam, I'm right here. You could just tell us.

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We could just have a conversation.

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Some things, Leo, you just want to put in writing.

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No, don't open it now!

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The food's about to arrive. Wait till later.

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Where's Jackie?

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She's upstairs, shaving her legs.

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-Ahh!

-Can you not hear the hedge trimmer?

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Dean! You're a cheeky monkey, you are!

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-It's dead.

-What is?

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-The boiler.

-Oh, yeah, I meant to say.

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It's not been working all day.

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-Mum, you know what's happening tomorrow.

-Of course I do, love.

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So, no shower, no bath, I'm getting married with greasy hair. Great(!)

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Dean, have a look at it, will you?

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Aye, I'll look at it, but I don't really know anything about hair!

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-Hey, Charlie, try some of that. It's named after Pam.

-What is it?

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Sweet-and-sour!

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Mam's more of a prawn cracker.

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Thank you, James.

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Leo, you're a crispy squid.

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What does that even mean?

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And you, Tony, are a big, thick noodle.

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Oh-ho-ho-ho!

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More rice... Give us that back!

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Oh, what's this? A letter from the blushing bride?

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It's none of your business, James. It's personal between me and Leo.

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-Thank you.

-It's an invoice, back payment of rent - 26 years' board and lodgings.

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What did you write him a letter for?

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Because I wanted to, Charlie.

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There was a few things I wanted to say to Leo,

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the night before his wedding.

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Sex tips for keeping the magic alive.

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Number one, turn the lights out, number two, get a bag on your head.

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-Number three, don't sleep with Mam's boss.

-Oh...!

-What?

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PHONE RINGS

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I bet you're relaxing, candles lit,

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playing some Norah Jones and sipping cocktails.

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-'I'm actually in the middle of a nightmare.'

-Why, what's happened?

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Our boiler's packed up and there's no hot water or heating.

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-What's the matter?

-Hang on, lovely.

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Mam, I can't hear you when I'm on the phone talking to someone else.

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Oh, well, forgive me for caring about my son and his future wife. I do apologise!

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I haven't even been able to wash my hair.

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-They've got no heating or hot water.

-I don't know what I'm going to do.

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-Can they not fix it?

-Tell her to come here.

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Hang on, lovely. What?

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Tell her to come here. You know what I always say...

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"Always use a coaster. That's what they're there for."

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Family first.

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-Are you sure?

-Absolutely.

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No...problem at all.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hey!

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Pam! Oh, you're an angel.

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Oh, howay, man. Come in.

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Ohh! And Peggy as well!

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And Jackie. Oh!

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Nobody else, then?

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The Pied Piper having a night off, is he?

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Out of consideration for you, Pam,

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I've sent Dean to kip at his brother's tonight.

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That's thoughtful of you, Jackie.

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Family first, eh, Pam?

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Sod off, Tony.

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All right, everybody?

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-Losers! Right...

-Oh, I don't like it, I don't like it.

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The Ambassador's party, around nine.

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Three!

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What have you got?

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Tortilla chip, one, easy.

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Number two, strawberry ice cream.

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-Oh, come on!

-Number three...

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-..mushy peas!

-No... No!

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Bottle it!

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Why, Ambassador, with this, you are really spoiling us.

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Bottle it!

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-Aggggh!

-No-o-o-o!

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Argh!

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-How's it going?

-Oh...just wonderful(!)

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Just a pity Jackie doesn't feel she can relax enough to let her hair down.

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That was the best cheese toastie I've ever had.

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My pleasure, Peggy.

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Mmm, it's melted in my mouth.

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I loved the toast.

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Shall I tell you what I really loved?

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The cheese?

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Yes!

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-Delicious.

-My pleasure, Peggy.

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Would you like another one, Peggy?

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Oh, no, Pam, that's not what I mean at all.

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You sure you wouldn't like another cheese toastie, Peggy?

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Oh, go on. You've twisted my arm!

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You, er, doing anything nice tomorrow, or...?

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Oh, let's see. Erm...

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No, I don't think I am. No.

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Oh, wait a minute... I'm getting married!

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Oh, yeah!

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Hey, do you think the bride and groom are supposed to spend their last night of freedom together?

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-Do you think we're tempting fate?

-Well, you know me...

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mad, crazy, daredevil, anarchist.

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-Do you want a cup of coffee?

-At this time of night?

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Judy, I've put you in Leo's room tonight.

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-I thought I was in my room tonight!

-That's my room!

-Excuse me?

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It's neither of yours, it's Judy's.

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That room is now the bridal suite, and it's fit for a queen.

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At least it will be, when YOU clear your pizza boxes from under the bed.

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-Sorry.

-And you, Leo, can go and shift some of your stuff,

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-make space for Judy.

-Eh?!

-Go on!

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-Hey, have you got your suit ready for tomorrow?

-Yeah.

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Pam got me one from Oxfam.

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-Oh, that's nice.

-And I gave it to Age Concern.

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I wonder if I'll ever get married.

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Charlie, you're only 20. You've got your whole life ahead of you.

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Yeah, suppose you're right.

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I mean, there's no rush, is there?

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I always used to think that having a girlfriend was the most important thing in the world.

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But, actually...

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when you've got people around you who accept you for who you are,

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then the rest...

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The rest can wait.

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Aw...

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Come here!

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-How was that for you, Peggy, all right?

-Very nice.

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Can I get you something else?

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-No, I won't put you to any more trouble, Pam.

-Good.

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Just a quick Baileys and I'll call it a night.

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Tony, a drink for our guest.

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Family first!

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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So...you've read it.

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Mm-hm.

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And...?

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Mam...are you sure you wrote this?

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You cheeky bugger, of course I did!

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"Leo, I'm so happy for you.

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-"I hope Judy will love and cherish you as I have since you were a little boy."

-True.

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"I only want the best for you.

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"I hope you remember to clean the bath after you..."

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Well, I know that's you.

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"I'm your mam, and I'll always be your mam,

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"but there comes a time when mams have to make way as the number one

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"woman in their little boy's life, stand aside,

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"and let someone else take their place.

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"All my love, Mam."

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I really do mean it.

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Mam.

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I don't know what to say.

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-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Ohh!

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Give us a minute, will you, please, Judy?

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-I'm just having a little chat with my son.

-Sorry.

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What?

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-Pam?

-Mm?

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Oh...I can't sleep!

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Try counting sheep.

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No, I'm on the wrong side.

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-Eh?

-Of the bed.

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I normally sleep on that side.

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Yeah, well, I normally sleep with my husband, Peggy,

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so let's just make do, eh?

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But I won't be able to sleep!

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SHE SIGHS

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-Pam?

-Oh, for heaven's sake!

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Thanks.

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Much better!

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Pam?

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What?

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I normally have the radio on low, just till I drift off.

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Pam?

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JIMMY FARTS, CHUCKLES

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-Jimmy, man!

-Wasn't me.

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-Promise.

-It came from your direction.

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Well, this room has really strange acoustics.

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Acoustics, acoustics...

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-CLATTERING JUDY:

-Oh!

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Judy?

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I'm just getting a glass of water.

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-How's me bed doing?

-Hey, that's MY bed!

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Well, no, I paid for it, so, technically...

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You wasn't the only one that got evicted, Charlie.

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-What are you doing?

-Pam, for goodness' sake!

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Judy's been kidnapped!

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-Oh, shut up, Jimmy.

-She's just getting a glass of water, Mam!

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You've already jinxed things.

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It'll be game over if you see each other after midnight, man.

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-Get upstairs, man!

-Ow! Agh!

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RADIO PLAYS FAINTLY

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PEGGY SNORES

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Lads, since we're all awake,

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I need to tell you something, and it's important.

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-Is it about a hat?

-It certainly is.

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Tomorrow, when you see your mam's hat, just say,

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"That's the best hat I've ever seen. I love it."

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-Is it a good one?

-Best ever.

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-JIMMY FARTS Ohh!

-Jimmy, man!

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-Morning!

-Morning!

-Morning!

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I'd give it a few minutes if I were you.

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Not a problem. When you live with Leo, your nostrils adapt.

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Eh, no cutting in!

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I'm sorry, but...

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It's like the deli counter in Morrisons.

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We should have a little ticket system.

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-And I'm number one.

-And Jackie is definitely number two.

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Leo, there's a queue.

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Hello? It's my wedding day!

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-Right this way, sir.

-Thank you.

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Dear God!

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Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

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Pamela!

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After you.

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Good.

0:15:230:15:24

I should think so.

0:15:240:15:26

Thank you.

0:15:260:15:27

Cue Pam, cue Pam.

0:15:290:15:31

Actually, James, I'm happy to wait.

0:15:310:15:34

No! Dad!

0:15:340:15:36

No, Dad! Please!

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Oh... Oh!

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-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in!

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-Yoo-hoo...

-Oh, morning!

0:15:430:15:45

Careful with that make-up brush.

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It's not a paint roller.

0:15:490:15:50

What, have I put too much on?

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Well...

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Ha-ha-ha!

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I'm only winding you up!

0:15:570:15:59

You look gorgeous.

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I've got something for you.

0:16:010:16:03

Oh, wow!

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Something old.

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Oh, Pam, that's lovely.

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It was me mam's.

0:16:140:16:16

-Ohh!

-Oh, don't wear it. It's only silver plate.

0:16:160:16:19

Your neck'll be all black and hacky by the time you get to the church.

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Something new.

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Sorry, I was a bit stuck on that one.

0:16:270:16:31

Something borrowed.

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Oh, Pam, that's lovely!

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It's mine.

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It's vintage, so I want it back.

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And finally, something blue.

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-I struggled a bit with that one as well.

-Thanks, Pam.

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And Judy, you know...

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..thank you for making Leo so happy.

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I'd like to thank you all for coming. Erm...

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..like to thank the beautiful bridesmaid.

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Oh, my God!

0:17:250:17:27

-Is my thing straight?

-No.

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It is now.

0:17:320:17:34

-Tony?

-Yes, love?

0:17:350:17:37

-Whose is this buttonhole?

-That'll be Jimmy's.

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-Nice hat.

-Best ever!

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Ohhh, look at the two of you!

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Ta-da!

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Last time I had two men come to my door as smartly dressed as this,

0:17:480:17:52

they were delivering a summons to your dad.

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-LEO WOLF-WHISTLES

-Oh, very dapper, Charlie.

-Thanks.

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Collar's a bit tight, though, and it's not very comfortable.

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Oh, comfort's the last thing you want to be worried about.

0:18:000:18:02

Look at Tony - going to have to call the council to get that suit off him.

0:18:020:18:06

-Where are you going?

-To move Peggy's car.

0:18:060:18:08

Peggy! Hi. Is it OK if I move your car?

0:18:140:18:16

-You've blocked me dad's in.

-Oh, you leave that to me, love.

0:18:160:18:20

-I'll do it.

-Sure.

0:18:200:18:22

-Come here.

-Oh, I love your hat, Pam!

0:18:230:18:28

Is it a sombrero?

0:18:280:18:30

-Ha!

-No, Peggy, it isn't.

0:18:300:18:32

Oh, never mind! I know where I'll be standing if it rains.

0:18:320:18:36

A sombrero?!

0:18:370:18:39

It's the best hat I've ever seen.

0:18:390:18:41

-Do you think?

-Aye!

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Eh...

0:18:430:18:45

Jackie! How's the bride, OK?

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Fine, why are you asking me?

0:18:480:18:50

Because you're the bridesmaid...

0:18:500:18:53

Oh!

0:18:530:18:54

Pam, got any paracetamol?

0:18:540:18:55

-ENGINE REVS Mam!

-Owww!

0:18:550:18:58

PAM WAILS

0:18:580:19:00

Owwww, me foot!

0:19:000:19:01

Oh, what happened?!

0:19:010:19:03

Get her away from me, I mean it!

0:19:030:19:05

You ran over Pam's foot!

0:19:050:19:07

Ohhhh! Agh!

0:19:070:19:09

I'm so sorry!

0:19:090:19:11

-Ugh!

-I didn't see you!

0:19:110:19:13

How could you not see the hat?

0:19:130:19:14

Peggy, you are without doubt the biggest idiot I have ever met!

0:19:140:19:18

Get in the car, Pam. Take your shoe off.

0:19:180:19:21

I'll take my shoe off and hit her over the bloody head with it!

0:19:210:19:24

You're not just an idiot, you're an idiot's idiot!

0:19:240:19:28

It was an accident, Mam! Don't worry, Peggy, she doesn't mean it.

0:19:280:19:31

No, Peggy, I take it back.

0:19:310:19:32

You're a bloody liability!

0:19:320:19:35

Pam, that's enough! I'll take you up the A&E, get it sorted.

0:19:350:19:39

Thank you, Peggy, thank you very, very much(!)

0:19:390:19:43

CHURCH BELLS RING

0:19:430:19:46

SHE KNOCKS

0:19:590:20:00

Mum?

0:20:000:20:01

-SHE KNOCKS AGAIN

-Mum?

0:20:040:20:06

PEGGY SOBS: Leave me alone!

0:20:060:20:08

Mum, please, will you come out of there?

0:20:080:20:10

I think it's better if I don't.

0:20:100:20:12

I've ruined your big day.

0:20:130:20:16

Oh, I'm so stupid!

0:20:160:20:19

Look, you haven't ruined anything.

0:20:190:20:22

Well, maybe Pam's foot, but I'm sure she'll be fine.

0:20:220:20:26

You go on.

0:20:260:20:28

I'll stay here.

0:20:280:20:29

Someone's left a Sudoku book in here, so I'll be all right.

0:20:290:20:34

Mum, I'm not getting married without you being there.

0:20:340:20:38

-All right?

-Good to see you.

0:21:030:21:05

-All right?

-Not bad.

0:21:070:21:09

-Oh, don't you look smart?

-You coming on to me again?

0:21:090:21:12

Can you hear that?

0:21:120:21:14

What is it?

0:21:140:21:16

Oh, it's the sound of my tiny heart breaking.

0:21:160:21:19

PHONE RINGS

0:21:190:21:21

Two seconds. Hello?

0:21:210:21:23

Quite something, isn't it?

0:21:230:21:25

I tell you what, Wetherspoon's could do wonders with this place.

0:21:250:21:29

Spent quite a bit of time in here over the years.

0:21:290:21:33

-Yeah?

-Oh, yeah.

0:21:330:21:34

The amount of pigeon shit that collects on that stained glass,

0:21:340:21:37

full-time job in itself, mate.

0:21:370:21:40

That was Dad. They're on their way.

0:21:400:21:42

He said, "Don't worry, nothing broken, except the spirit of the staff at A&E."

0:21:420:21:46

Mum, today isn't just about me.

0:21:490:21:52

It's about you as well.

0:21:520:21:54

Think of everything that we've been through together to get here.

0:21:540:21:58

Everything I've ever done, you've been there beside me, all the way.

0:21:580:22:02

So if you think I'm going to get married without you there to see it,

0:22:030:22:07

then...then you've got it all wrong.

0:22:070:22:09

Mum!

0:22:110:22:13

TEARFULLY: Leave me alone!

0:22:130:22:14

Wow! You look, erm...

0:22:230:22:25

Wow!

0:22:250:22:26

-You too, James.

-Really? You think so?

0:22:260:22:29

-Yeah, you look very smart.

-Well, thank you very much.

0:22:290:22:32

-Don't suppose you fancy...?

-Don't push it.

-Great.

0:22:320:22:35

POP MUSIC PLAYS ON TV

0:22:370:22:40

How are you getting on up there, Judy?

0:22:400:22:43

Hi.

0:22:520:22:53

I feel like a bloody yeti.

0:22:570:22:58

-You're fine.

-I look ridiculous.

0:22:580:23:00

You've never looked better... from the knee up.

0:23:000:23:03

What the hell happened to you?

0:23:030:23:04

-Peggy!

-She nicked your shoe?

0:23:040:23:07

Yes, Anj, she nicked me shoe

0:23:070:23:08

and I decided to replace it with a medical support boot.

0:23:080:23:12

No, man, she ran over me foot with her bloody cake van.

0:23:120:23:15

You'd think if you're wearing a flying saucer on your head, folks would see you coming.

0:23:150:23:19

-Do you fancy going back to the hospital, Tony?

-No, love.

-Good. Shut up.

0:23:190:23:23

Here we go.

0:23:230:23:24

-Hiya.

-Hiya.

-Hello, lads.

0:23:240:23:27

Any luck?

0:23:300:23:32

She won't budge.

0:23:320:23:34

I know how to deal with her when she's like this. Let me.

0:23:340:23:38

Mum?

0:23:410:23:42

Oh...

0:23:470:23:49

-Where the hell's Judy?

-She's on her way.

0:23:500:23:52

-You said that 12 seconds ago!

-Chill, bro. It'll be fine.

0:23:520:23:56

-Hey, and if not, you've got a great "I was jilted on my wedding day" story.

-Mm.

0:23:560:23:59

God, this is now officially a total disaster.

0:23:590:24:01

What am I going to tell everyone - "She's not coming"?!

0:24:010:24:04

We'll just slip out the back. We don't need to say a word.

0:24:040:24:06

Any second now, she's going to walk through that door.

0:24:060:24:09

DOOR OPENS

0:24:090:24:11

-Who's that?

-Who cares?!

0:24:150:24:16

It isn't Judy, is it? Sorry.

0:24:160:24:18

Never thought I'd be so happy to see Jackie.

0:24:220:24:25

She's coming... Hit it!

0:24:250:24:27

Agh!

0:24:270:24:28

-What's that for?

-The music, numb-nut!

0:24:320:24:34

-HE GASPS Don't tell me...

-Just kidding!

0:24:340:24:37

Prick!

0:24:370:24:38

Battery's dead. You got any?

0:24:450:24:47

Yeah, just in my pocket, just a second.

0:24:470:24:49

-Oh, no, wait a minute, they must have FALLEN OUT!

-Ssh!

0:24:490:24:52

-Do we even need music?

-Yes, Jimmy!

0:24:580:25:00

What's the hold-up?

0:25:010:25:03

-No music!

-What, no music at all?

0:25:030:25:06

Jesus Christ!

0:25:060:25:09

Sorry!

0:25:090:25:10

All rise.

0:25:120:25:14

You owe me big time.

0:25:180:25:20

# I may not always love you

0:25:230:25:27

# But long as there are stars above you

0:25:270:25:31

-BOTH:

-# You never need to doubt it

0:25:310:25:36

BEACH BOYS: # I'll make you so sure about it

0:25:360:25:40

# God only knows what I'd be without you

0:25:400:25:46

# If you should ever leave me

0:25:480:25:52

# Well, life would still go on, believe me

0:25:520:25:57

# The world could show nothing to me

0:25:570:26:01

# So what good would living do me?

0:26:010:26:05

# God only knows what I'd be without you

0:26:050:26:12

# God only knows what I'd be without you

0:26:140:26:19

# God only knows what I'd be without you

0:26:190:26:23

# God only knows what I'd be without you

0:26:230:26:26

# God only knows what I'd be without you

0:26:260:26:29

# God only knows

0:26:290:26:30

# God only knows what I'd be without you

0:26:300:26:34

# God only knows what I'd be without you

0:26:340:26:36

# God only knows

0:26:360:26:38

# God only knows what I'd be without you

0:26:380:26:42

# God only knows what I'd be without you... #

0:26:420:26:46

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:460:26:48

Please be seated.

0:26:570:26:58

# Meet me on the corner when the lights are coming on

0:27:030:27:07

# And I'll be there

0:27:070:27:09

# I promise I'll be there

0:27:090:27:11

# Down the empty streets, we'll disappear into the dawn

0:27:130:27:17

# If you have dreams enough to sha-a-a-are. #

0:27:170:27:27

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