Nanger Management Catherine Tate's Nan

This programme contains strong language

24 bottles tropical shower gel. Lovely. That'll keep me going.

MESSAGE ALERT DINGS Oh, Groupon alert!

Me daily deals are in.

Four pairs ladies' trainers with LED lights.

Who's buying this shit?

200 butterscotch Pop-Tarts. Absolute filth.

Ten sessions, full-body spray tan.

What do I want with a full-body spray tan?

Click now to get all these offers at 75% off.

75% off? Now you're talking.

Proceed to checkout. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Hello, Nan.

-Here he is. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

You come up and see me?

-You come up and see me, ain't ya?

-Yep.

-You been at the zoo?

-Been at the zoo.

-And why you been at the zoo?

-Cos I got a job, Nan.

Cos he's got a job helping the elephants have babies.

Oh, you are a good boy.

God help us, love. As happy as I am you've found gainful employment,

there's no excuse for going around smelling like a bucket of shit.

What's happened to your foot?

Oh, had a run in with a traffic warden, didn't I?

Well, you know what they're like.

I do, Nan, but you don't have a car.

Yeah. Not traffic warden.

Veteran.

I don't like where this is going.

Oh, it was dreadful, love, the intimidation.

Glaring at me, he was, waving his box around in me face.

Was he collecting?

Not off me, he weren't.

I saw right through him.

And his smug white stick.

Nan, this man collecting, was he blind?

Blind and smug.

So, how did you hurt your foot?

Oh, I haven't hurt it, love. They've done me for ABH.

Can't leave the house. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Guess who?

Oh, not him again.

Is it the irritating old bastard

who's just moved in downstairs?

It's Bernie!

That's the one.

Piss off!

Your Groupons have arrived!

Oh, oh, come in, love, it's open!

-Ha-ha-ha.

-All right, Bernie?

Oh, let me help you with that.

No, no, no, no, Jamie, no, please don't, no.

I like a bit of a workout.

Right, now then, whereabouts do you want this?

Well, it's bigger than I thought, love.

I'll tell you what, why don't you just put it in the kitchen...

GLASS SMASHES

Oh, my God.

Bernie, you've got to be careful!

No, it's all right, there's nothing breakable in there.

I'm fine. I'm fine, it's just superficial.

Right, now then, is there anything else

I can do for you on this sunny afternoon?

Well, you could go.

Right you are. I'm on my way.

Nan, what's in the box?

Er, it's 15 fire extinguishers for 40 quid, love, I mean...

..you can't say fairer than that.

Nan, you've got to stop buying this stuff.

What do you want 15 fire extinguishers for?

If it's to dampen the flame in my heart, 15 won't do it.

Nan! What did you do that for? He was being nice.

Oh, I can't be doing with him love.

He's a registered sex offender.

Nan, have you just made that up?

I have, yeah.

I'm worried about you, Nan. You keep getting into trouble.

Oh, don't be silly.

They tag anyone these days, don't they?

No, Nan, they're usually given to people who require

a severe level of monitoring.

How's the elephants? Any luck with the mating?

Why you changing the subject?

Has Dumbo had a go on Nelly yet?

It's not that easy, Nan.

She's not ovulating as normal,

so she's not giving off the right scent.

Well, you be careful, stinking like that, he might try and mount you.

Nan!

So what they going to do with you?

Me? Nothing.

-Oh, 'ere this one fella, oh, he did make me laugh.

-Who?

One of the arresting officers. Ha-ha-ha.

He said to me... What was it he said?

He says, "You're going to prison

"if you don't complete an anger management course

"to address your underlying issues of self control."

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

They don't mean it, do they?

They do mean it, Nan. You've got to do the course.

Nah, they won't find me, love.

I gave them a moody address.

Criminal mind, see.

Nan, you're wearing a tag.

-Guess who!

-Oh, Christ.

I think I left my keys in there!

Listen, I haven't got an anger problem, darling.

I'm a perfectly reasonable person,

going about my perfectly reasonable business

in a perfectly reasonable manner.

Knock, knock, knock.

Ha-ha-ha.

What?

This looks like it. You sure you'll be all right, Nan?

'Course I'll be all right.

I mean, all I've got to do is sit cross-legged

in a room full of nutters

banging on about their unhappy childhoods.

Oooh, I'm raving!

-Well, that's why you're here, Nan. I'll pick you up later.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Oh, ain't it good, hey?

There we go.

Sorry we're late.

-I'm Jonathan.

-I'm Samantha.

Hello, love.

NAN SNIFFS

-Do we just talk?

-If you like.

Well, I suppose you're automatically going to take his side.

How's that darling?

All right. I had an affair. I'm a monster. Happy?

Can I just say, I have forgiven her.

I'm the one who wants to move forward.

-No, you just want to keep punishing me.

-I don't.

I honestly don't, I just don't understand why you act like this.

MESSAGE ALERT DINGS Oh!

Excuse me. What are you doing?

Getting 50% off hang gliding weekend, what's it to you?

Is that appropriate?

Listen, you two want to get up on ya daily deals.

Cheer you right up.

Daily deals?

Ah, it's a game changer, sweetheart.

Every day it pings, all manner of gear, everything going for a song,

one click of a button, two days later, load of old tut arrives.

Oh, it's marvellous.

Er, what's going on here?

Well, from what I can make out, the uppity one's been off the side,

with someone at work, I reckon, this one looks suspect

but it's only the eyebrows.

And I haven't laid a hand on anyone, so can I go now?

What are you doing in my chair?

We're doing that anger management, ain't we?

That's down the hallway. This is couples counselling.

Oh, I did think it was a strange dynamic.

Well, er, can you leave then?

Yes, all right, love, keep your tie-dyed smock on.

'Ere, eyebrows why don't you have an affair then you're even!

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Excuse me! This is a private session.

You've no right to be here and you're way out of line.

-Yeah, well, at least my stereo ain't broke.

-What?

Oh, have a look at this mob.

You all right, Speccy?

What you angry about, Speccy?

You angry with people calling you Speccy?

Are you talking to me?

Yes, love! Over here!

Poor fella can't see me.

SHOUTS: I'm calling you. Speccy!

Oh, here he is! Porky!

-How you been, son?

-Oh, God, I remember you.

Yeah, well they do say, don't they, an elephant never forgets.

What you mad about, Porky? Weight Watchers not working out?

I'm very happy with my weight.

So you should be, darling, it's impressive.

Ain't it, Speccy?

It's impressive!

Ahh, follow the sound of me voice.

I can see.

All right, Shorty?

What you mad about, Shorty?

Look at him he's raving.

Don't wind me up, old woman.

Oi-oi-oi, I'll have you across my knee if I have any more of that.

Speccy, Porky, Shorty, you're all through to boot camp.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Oh. 'Ere we go.

All right, all right, no sudden movements, cos, er...

..cos if this one's got anger problem, we're all in trouble.

Hello, darling, you all right?

Having a good day?

I think we'll all just stay calm, won't we?

Don't mind me, I'm just the caretaker.

Someone from the last group kicked the wall down again.

Thank God for that.

That was close, weren't it, Porky?

Cor, blimey, it's like the fucking circus is in town.

Good morning, everyone!

Good morning and welcome to anger management.

Well, it looks like you're off the hook, son.

-My name is Graham Fanee.

-Who is it?

Er, Mr Fanee. F-A-N-E-E.

Spell it again.

F-A-N, accented E, E. Now...

Fanny?

Mr Fanny?

Well, it's Fanee but I am aware there is potential

for wilful mispronunciation,

which you'll all find hilarious

and I will have heard a million times before.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

It's Mr Fanny.

You hearing that, Staples? It's Mr Fanny.

Right. Shall I begin?

OK, what qualifies me to guide you

through your anger management course?

Listen, son.

You're a midget called Mr Fanny...

..you've earned your stripes as far as I'm concerned.

Excuse me, we don't say midget.

My mistake.

'Migee'.

I was once like all of you. I would lose control often.

And then one day, I did something I regret.

But using the techniques I will teach you,

I have not lost my temper since.

-Yeah, what d'ya do?

-That's not important.

-What, did you kill a man?

-No, it's not important.

-What, did you kill two men?

-It doesn't matter what I did...

No, don't tell me cos I'll get it. I'm good at this.

It's not a game, it's not for you to guess.

-Did you kill a clown?

-Why would I kill a clown?

-Did you stab your MP?

-No.

Well, I don't know. What d'ya do? Did you kill an animal?

-Oh, look, can we just leave this?

-Ooh, guilty as charged.

You an animal killer? He's an animal killer.

What d'ya do, kill a kangaroo?

-Wolf?

-Was it a chicken?

It's not a menu, son.

-A hippo?

-Where's he going to meet a hippo?

Well, you said a kangaroo!

Where's he going to meet a hippo or a kangaroo?!

Well, I don't know, do I?

Listen, hippos and kangaroos are eliminated. Was it a shark?

A shark is not an animal!

'Course, it is!

Was a parrot, all right!

I killed a parrot.

Let that be an end to it.

I'm not proud of it. It was very sad.

Look, I don't usually go into the details,

but in the spirit of full disclosure,

I had an altercation with my neighbours over a noise issue.

And, I dealt with it inappropriately.

Things spiralled and it resulted in the death of my beloved pet.

Which is something I have to live with.

All right, love. Well, I mean, that is a lot to deal with, innit?

Erm, look do you want to take a minute? Get yourself together.

I mean, listen, who are we to judge?

We've all done things we regret, ain't we?

-OK. Yes, thank you. I won't be a moment.

-Go on, son.

You sort yourself out. Ah.

Ah.

What a fucking liberty!

Eh?

He's killed a parrot the man!

He's got the audacity to come in here and tell us

how to control our impulses and he's killed a fucking parrot!

With his bare hands! A fucking parrot!

The man's a lunatic!

'Ello, darling!

You feeling better?

Come in, darling.

How did you know it was me?

I could smell you coming up the stairs.

-Groupon?

-Yeah.

Stylish, practical, and at a price you just can't ignore.

How's the elephants? Any luck?

Not really.

We think it's to do with the size of their pen.

We're going to try and raise money to get them a more spacious

and comfortable paddock for elephantine foreplay,

so that Barbara's uterine muscles can be relaxed,

ready for insertion because Maximus' phallus isn't engorging...

All right, pack it in. Put me right off me Pop-Tart.

-How was anger management today?

-Oh, yeah, it was lovely.

They said I'm cured, ain't got to bother going tomorrow.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Nan, are you taking this seriously?

If you don't pass this course, you'll get a custodial sentence.

Oh, I ain't going to prison, darling.

Too old to be experimenting with me sexuality at my time of life.

Nan, not all women prisoners are gay.

Oh, wake up and smell the lesbians.

I've seen it, darling.

Orange might be the new black, but they still want to have a go

up your clacker when the lights are out.

What's this?

Oh, it's me homework, innit?

Supposed to start making amends to people we've wronged.

What a load of old shit.

I mean, who have I ever wronged? KNOCK AT DOOR

Guess who!

Oh, I shall end up killing this bastard, I know that much.

Nan, be nice.

It's Bernie! I'm just seeing if you needed anything.

I need you to fuck off out of it.

Nan, you are out of control. Open that door and apologise.

Oh, shut your mouth you, you elephant ponce.

-I'll take away your iPad.

-All right, hold on.

Hello, Bernie.

Just popped up on my way back from Zumba.

-I'm rather pumped up actually.

-Nope.

-I could take you with me...

Well, I tried, didn't I?

Nan.

Oh, God, help us.

Come in, then.

-All right, Bernie?

-Hello, son.

You been doing Zumba? It's great, innit?

Cor, yeah, taken years off me. I love it.

How's your flamenco arms?

Ah, not too good, mate, I've got to work on me cha-cha-cha.

All right, guardian soul mates.

Why don't you bunk up together and do a Zumba-thon?

All right, Nan.

Get sponsored by other nancy misfits in Lycra.

OK, that's enough.

Yeah, get a whole gang of you together, Zumba-ing all over town

raising money for your elephant knocking shop!

That's not a bad idea, actually.

-Yeah, I'm up for that.

-Does nobody understand sarcasm?

Bernie, Nan wanted to tell you something.

Did I?

Not really.

It's for your own good, Nan.

All right. Bernie.

I just want to say... SHE MUMBLES

What did you say?

Say I'm s... SHE MUMBLES

Come again?

I said, "I'm sorry," you deaf old fucker!

Well, I said it, didn't I?

Whatever for?

For spraying you with a very reasonably priced fire extinguisher.

I forgive you.

Ta-ta!

She really is a live wire, that one.

Well, Nan, that was progress of sorts.

Yeah, I told you, darling. I ain't got an anger problem.

KNOCK AT DOOR

It's me again! I think I left my phone in there.

Piss off!

You know this actually burns my skin, don't ya?

I wanted to see you alone because I do not want a repeat of yesterday.

No, I mean, I didn't like to say but you did go on a bit.

You. You were being very disruptive.

How's that?

-Interrupting peo...

-Just trying to help.

-Interrupting...

-Just being helpful.

-Thank you.

-Go on.

I know what you're doing. I see it all the time.

You're rebelling because I'm the authority.

This isn't my first rodeo.

Is it your second rodeo?

No, I've been to a lot of rodeos.

That can't be very good for your knackers.

No, this, I'm saying I've done this a lot of times.

How did you fit it in with all them rodeos?

Mrs Taylor, right now I'm what's standing between you and prison.

So, you've got one more opportunity.

It's time you took the bull by the horns.

I'll be honest with you, son, I've never been to a rodeo

so I'm finding all this very confusing.

Forget the rodeo!

Right, let's get back to the group.

Oh, and behave yourself.

Oh, look out. Here he is.

-How are you, darling?

-Hello again.

Yeah, your wife behaving herself yet?

She's running late.

Oh, running late?

At the office?

With her boss?

Who she's schtupping?

-Yeah, probably.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha.

'Ere, 'ere, how's all this lark working out for you?

Well, I've still not had an affair if that's what you're asking.

What's the matter? The eyebrows put the girls off, do they?

No, I don't want to have an affair.

Good cos I don't think you'd get any takers with them eyebrows.

I want to make things better with my wife.

Has she never noticed the eyebrows?

I suppose that's why she strayed.

I don't think it was cos of the eyebrows.

Those two monsters looming towards you.

'Ere, listen, let me tell you a story, darling.

When my old man caught me knocking about with Tommy Jackson,

he made my life a misery for a whole year.

And I respected him for that.

And we went on to have a very happy marriage until the day he died.

'Course he dropped dead of a heart attack

when he caught me in bed with his brother.

But the point still stands.

What point?

Do something with these things or your wife will leave ya.

For God's sakes, why are you here again?

Oh. Well, if you were ever on time, love, you wouldn't have this problem.

-You are a menace!

-Am I?

Well, at least I'm not the one with the smashed mugs.

Don't you dare. My children made them.

-Er, what did I just say!

-Aah.

Come on.

Oops.

OK, so now your bodies and minds have found total calm,

we can start our visualisations.

Picture yourselves on a beach.

What beach is it, love?

It's whatever beach you like.

Well, it can't be Brighton Beach.

It doesn't have to be Brighton Beach.

Good cos I'm banned.

It's not Brighton Beach.

They should've said that pier was flammable.

It doesn't matter where the beach is,

just imagine yourselves on a beach.

'Ere, where's your beach, Freaky?

I don't know, abroad somewhere.

Who's letting you on a plane?

You ain't getting through security looking like Scrapheap Challenge.

Er, let's just try and stay calm, shall we?

Please! I am trying to relax.

Well, spare a thought for Porky here.

He can't relax poor sod.

Greenpeace keep throwing buckets of water over him.

-I'm getting soaked.

-Please, shush.

Just ignore her. Can't you see what she's doing?

-God knows what you can see, Speccy.

-Shut up!

All right, let's just try and stay in the moment, shall we?

Remember, this is relaxing.

Now, er, imagine you're going for a walk along the sand.

Where we going now?

I've just laid out five euros for a sun lounger.

Nowhere, it doesn't matter,

you're just going for a general walk.

Well, where am I going to put me valuables?

I can't take this any more!

Are you just going to let her keep talking?!

Well, don't engage with her.

All right, son, all right!

Oh, he's doing his nut cos they won't let him on the rollercoaster.

Right! That's it. I'll take prison. I'm out.

No, Ian, please don't give up, you're making real progress.

No, Shorty do get cranky when he ain't had his afternoon nap.

And 5'2" is just below average height!

Aargh!

Oh, Ian. I don't think you're short.

Ian.

For goodness' sake! I just fixed this!

Mrs Taylor, you are out. Done. You have failed.

You're not my problem any more. The state can deal with you.

Well, can I at least get me handbag from the beach hut?

-Ha-ha-ha-ha.

-Out!

All right, love. God help us, all right.

I mean, where's your sense of humour?

I mean, we're only having a laugh, ain't we?

No. No, this is serious. No more chances.

You are out.

Well, you're not really telling me

if I don't complete the course, I'm going to prison.

That is exactly what I'm telling you.

Oh.

Can you get off me, please?

KNOCK AT DOOR

KNOCK AT DOOR

-I know you're in there.

-I can see the light's on.

You haven't turned your trainers off!

You'll never take me alive, copper!

Nan, it's Jamie.

I know what happened today, just open the door.

Oh, why didn't you stop me, son?

I mean, I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm out of control.

Someone needs to put me in order.

No, Nan.

No, Nan, this is your fault.

And you have to face the consequences.

I'm frightened out of me mind.

I mean, you can't let them bang me up, son.

I mean, look at me.

Those inmates will have a field day on a prime bit of cougar like me.

OK. Enough.

Do you know how lucky you are to have me, Nan?

Oh, it's all about you, is it?

Cor, blimey, I'm the one looking prison in the face.

I went to see Mr F...your therapist.

And he didn't want to hear it.

I mean, he really don't like you.

But, in the end, we managed to find some common ground.

Luckily, he's an animal lover.

Well, not according to his parrot he ain't.

He said he'd talk to you.

I can't promise he'll take you back but he'll let you plead your case.

It's up to you now, Nan.

Oh, what a relief!

Oh, you are a good boy.

I thought I was going to have to create hostage situation.

Don't be silly, Nan.

Go on, off you go, Bernie.

Ah, Mrs Taylor, take a seat.

Thank you, sir.

I only agreed to this because of your grandson.

I have a soft spot for anyone who works with animals

and I admire the work he's doing.

Oh, yeah, he's a good boy, he's...he's going

to do a Zumba-thon for the elephants.

Yeah, it was even my idea, actually, you know,

raising money to engorge Dumbo's wotsit

and shove it up Nelly's doodah.

I've been leading this course for a long time now,

and you are, hands down, the worst person I've ever met.

Thank you very much.

You're irritating, disruptive, selfish,

-and you never let anyone finish a s...

-I know.

But you know what, Mrs Taylor?

If I can get through to you, the worst person I have ever met,

then I know that what I'm doing here works

and that Charlotte didn't die in vain.

Who is it?

Charlotte was my parrot.

Oh.

What happened?

It's a long story.

Oh, come on, son.

You keep telling us not to bottle it up.

I do.

Yeah, see, I've been listening.

My neighbours used to hold very noisy parties.

One night, I banged on the wall and shouted,

"If you don't stop playing music all night long, I'll call the police!"

They then proceeded to play All Night Long on repeat,

all night long.

-Lionel Richie?

-Yes.

-It is a classic.

The next night, I was trying to sleep. I was exhausted.

And I could hear them playing that, that song on a loop.

But only the bit that everyone joins in on -

"Tom bo li de say de moi ya."

'Ey, jambo jumbo.

Please!

Well, it is the best bit.

I was furious. It was dark. I was sleep deprived.

I picked up my alarm clock

and I threw it at the wall as hard as I could.

And the music instantly stopped.

I turned on the light.

It wasn't my neighbour playing that song...

..it was my parrot.

She had learned the words.

The thing is, I'd been trying to teach her to speak for years.

And as she died in my arms, her last words were,

"Ey, jambo jumbo."

I mean, that is unlucky, innit?

Come on, Mrs Taylor. Let's give this one more go.

Oh, not you again.

'Ere, 'ere listen, darling.

I've been thinking and, erm, I know what your problem is.

SARCASTICALLY: Oh, good. Maybe keep that to yourself then.

You're eaten up with guilt

and you think you don't deserve the love of a good man.

But let me tell you something, sweetheart,

marriage is sacred and relationships are hard.

You need to forgive yourself, let him forgive you and move on.

Thank you.

And if that don't work,

dress up like a tart twice a week and nosh him off.

OK.

So today, we're going to discuss our triggers

and then look at alternative ways to cope with them,

but we need to be open about our problems so they don't fester

and become the elephant in the room.

He has a name.

I mean, I don't know what it is but he has a name!

My name's Steve!

Exactly. What's your trigger then, Porky?

I'm prone to road rage.

What, when all the Little Chefs are shut?

Thank you, Mrs Taylor.

Shut up, you old cow.

Ooh, Rusty's piping up.

Yeah, all right you two.

Who rattled your cage?

And by cage, I mean face.

Mrs Taylor, please.

Well, I think we know what her trigger is -

the elderly and magnets.

Mrs Taylor!

BANGING ON WALL

Can we keep the noise down, please?

You want the wall fixed or not?

Why do you let her talk to me like this?

What's the matter, Pinhead? MORE BANGING

That's not my name.

No, what is it?

Pinead O'Connor?

-DRILLING

-What now?

-Pinbad the sailor?

-Mrs Taylor, please!

Why does my husband have no eyebrows?

He looks insane.

She said you'd leave me. I think I look distinguished.

Excuse me, we are in the middle of a session here!

Nosh him off?! Nosh him off?!

That's the advice you're giving my clients?!

Well, I don't think it's a terrible idea.

Get out, come on, all of you! Get out!

Is it Osama Pin Laden?

ALL NIGHT LONG BY LIONEL RICHIE PLAYS IN DISTANCE

It's Charlotte, my name is Charlotte!

Oh, listen, word of advice, love,

I'd keep that under your hat, if I were you.

-What?

-I said Charlotte!

-Charlotte?

-Yes, Charlotte! Charlotte! Charlotte!

Shut up! Shut up, shut up, all of you!

Oh, and turn that fucking music off!

That's his trigger, by the way.

Argh!

-# All night long

-All night... #

What's this? Oh, oh, it's the Zumba-thon!

Oh, is it now?

There he is Pingu, Nellie, Dumbo, Polly.

A parrot?! A parrot?!

You did this, didn't you? You dreadful old witch!

Oh, I honestly didn't, darling!

But I mean, it's come together like a dream, innit?

I hate her! I hate her!

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

What a fucking liberty!

-Are you ready to Zumba?

-Lead on, Bernie!

ALL NIGHT LONG CONTINUES PLAYING

I'll kill her! I'll kill her like I killed that bastard parrot!

Oh, my God.

How was it this morning then, Nan?

Oh, yeah, it was good, love.

I mean, I don't know if you're supposed

to have all ten sessions in one go,

but I think I can get away with it.

-Have a Pop-Tart?

-Oh.

-Ah, it's all worked out lovely, innit?

-Yeah.

With the money we raised from the Zumba-thon,

we can make a really romantic paddock for the elephants.

Ah, ain't that good news.

And because of Mr Fanee's meltdown, your case has been thrown out,

and he's been struck off.

Everyone's a winner. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

And, Nan, as much as you don't want to admit it, you do seem calmer.

Oh, I must admit, darling, you're right.

I mean, that course was smashing.

-Guess who!

-Is it Bernie? Ha-ha-ha.

Hello, sweetheart.

Joannie, I've been thinking, since it's such a beautiful day,

would you do me the honour

of joining me for a brisk walk around the park?

A brisk walk around the park?

Shove it up your arse!

Oh, hold on.

Oh.

Fucking cheap shit!