Funeral Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me. Do you like my suit?

Number one Citizen Khan.

Assalaamu Alaikum, my boobtube followers.

I'll assume you said "walaikum salaam" there.

Now, I know what you're thinking - we Muslims are all over the telly.

Always on the news.

But it's not all bad news.

Sometimes it's good news too.

Here's my free copy of the Sparkhill Gazette.

Lots of good Muslim stories in here. Let's have a look.

Ah-hah, Mr Ali won the weekly Sudoku competition. Oh, yeah.

Ah, the halal butchers on Stoney Lane is going to be open 24 hours!

Ah, this is brilliant.

The Moseley Muslim Theatre Group is putting on their own version

of Swan Lake but without the dancing.

Oh, yes, and Amjad's dad got knocked down by the number 37 bus.

Ah, poor Mr Malik. I can't believe he's gone.

Still, I suppose a part of him will always be with us.

Is she keeping his toupee?

-Idiot.

-What? That thing had a life of its own!

It was like he was balancing a guinea pig on his head.

-Have some respect for the dead.

-Are you sure it's dead?

It's probably scrabbling at the coffin lid trying to get out!

Poor Mrs Malik is suffering.

Just try and be a little bit more sensitive.

Fine, I'll be sensitive.

So, hit by a bus, eh?

It's just such a shock.

Of course.

I can't believe he's gone.

No.

It's so kind of you to let me stay here,

especially since your house is so much smaller than mine.

Hang on, are they my birthday truffles?!

That's the last one.

-What?

-I'm sorry. I found them in the kitchen.

I hid them in a tin in the top cupboard.

That's where I found them.

It's no problem. What's Mr Khan's is yours, isn't it?

Yes, I suppose so.

Would you like some of my varicose veins too?

The worst part is, what if people think he was waiting for a bus?

I mean, we haven't used public transport for 20 years.

-Right.

-He just didn't see it coming.

He should have checked the timetable.

No, he was...distracted.

Oh, was he on the phone?

The wind blew his hairpiece over his eyes.

HE STIFLES A LAUGH

Oh, dear.

I told him so many times, "Don't go out when it's too windy,"

but he never listened.

I can tell you're shocked.

You didn't know he wore a hairpiece.

I had no idea. Did you?

Oh, no!

I had no idea at all.

I mean, it looked so...

lifelike(!)

-Would you excuse us for a minute?

-What?

What is wrong with you? You should be supporting Mrs Malik.

Sweetie, there aren't enough truffles in the world

to support that woman!

And what about Amjad? He needs our support too.

I know this is a difficult time for everyone,

but I'm just trying to get on with normal life.

We Pakistanis are very good at making the best of a bad situation.

Why do you think there are so many of us in Birmingham?

Shazia's worried about him. She says he's very stressed.

He'll be OK.

-Why don't you offer to help with the funeral arrangements?

-I can't.

I've got to go and see the bank manager about my new business idea.

-I need an investor.

-Unbelievable!

You're worried about investors

when your son-in-law's just lost his father.

We've all got our problems, sweetie!

I've got high heating bills,

my back's still playing up,

and next door's cat keeps pooping in our patio!

Look, let me show you my business idea.

Now, imagine we're somewhere romantic,

like the time I took you to the Taj Mahal.

You've never taken me to the Taj Mahal.

Yes, I have, the one on the Stratford Road.

You had the lamb bhuna, remember?

Oh, yeah, that one.

So we want to take a selfie,

but, oh, no, you forgot to bring the selfie stick.

-Me?!

-Yes, but it's not a problem.

Not with Mr Khan's sewn-into-your-suit selfie stick!

There you are, perfect!

Now, get ready to say cheese.

Activating extension mode.

CAT MEOWS

Serves you right!

I don't think Amjad's coping very well.

I think the stress is getting to him.

He doesn't look stressed to me.

-Just talk to him, OK?

-OK, OK.

-Hello, Amjad.

-Hello, sir.

-How you doing? Not too stressed?

-No, I'm not too stressed at all.

Everything's perfectly fine.

I'm not too stressed at all.

You see, he's not too stressed at all.

I've got to get to the mosque.

-Budhoo.

-Yes, ladoo.

I think you've forgotten something.

Oh.

Not that.

HE SHRIEKS

-Dad, can you do something?

-OK, fine.

I don't think I can do this, sir.

Amjad, you can. You just need to put your trousers on first.

Maybe you should take over the funeral arrangements.

Amjad, it's very easy. Muslim funerals are all about speed.

Pray-pray, cry-cry, dig-dig, bish-bosh!

But, sir, the funeral's this afternoon and I've got all

-his papers to sort out and I have to get to the mosque.

-So?

Apparently there's going to be loads of important people there

to pay their respects.

Colleagues, investors...

Say that again.

-Colleagues.

-No, not that.

-Investors.

-That's the one.

You know, Amjad, maybe you're right.

Maybe I SHOULD take over the funeral arrangements, huh?

Thank you, sir.

I don't want you to worry about anything.

You just stay here, relax and enjoy yourself.

Not enjoy yourself.

I mean, be sad...in a good way!

Thank you, sir. You're my rock.

He was stressed so I've just been relieving him of his tension.

Assalaamu Alaikum. Assalaamu Alaikum.

Walaikum salaam, Riaz.

-Hello, Dave.

-A sad day.

Why? Aston Villa sacked their manager again?

Oh, you mean... Yes, of course.

Very sad. Very, very sad.

We've just been going over the arrangements for the funeral.

Yes, we have to perform the burial ritual, do the prayers and

the body has to be buried today with the head facing Mecca.

What you telling us for? We know.

I'm the funeral director. It's all I've got!

There are also quite a few well-wishers here

who want to pay their respects to the family.

-Yes, I'll be taking care of all of that.

-You?

I didn't think you and Mr Malik were that friendly?

Oh, yes, me and Wiggy were very close.

People said you could hardly see the join.

Shouldn't that really be Amjad's role?

You're right, it should be Amjad but he's gone a bit...whoo-hoo!

So, he's left me in charge of everything.

He said I'm his rock.

Hmm, maybe I should offer him some pastoral support?

Back off, Dave. I'm his stick of rock.

He doesn't need a gingerbread man too.

-So you're here to represent the family?

-That's right.

I'll be leading all the important funeral duties like dealing

with anyone who's coming to pay their investments...respects!

Assalaamu Alaikum.

ALL: Walaikum salaam.

-I've come to offer my condolences...

-That'll be me!

-You're condoling me.

-Thank you.

-It means a lot.

You see, Mr Malik and I were very close friends.

Very close.

Were you a business partner of Mr Malik?

No.

Off you go.

-So you're going to do everything that Amjad would have done?

-Yes.

-Got a problem with that?

-No.

-Good. What's first?

The ceremonial washing of the dead body.

Oh, twaddi!

You know, I find this a very moving part of the funeral ritual.

Don't you, Mr Khan? Mr Khan?

I thought it'd be easier to wash this in the sink.

LAUGHTER

Has anyone got any conditioner?

LAUGHTER

Are you OK, Mr Khan? I know that must have been hard for you.

Yes, it was.

I had to really work the shampoo in to get a lather.

So, where are all these business investors, ah?

Assalaamu Alaikum.

Walaikum salaam.

-I am looking for Amjad Malik.

-He's not here.

-Mrs Malik, then?

-She's not here either.

-Can you pass on a message?

-Yes, yes, sorry for their loss,

-I'll let them know.

-No, no.

-I am a business partner of the late Mr Malik.

-A business partner?

That is right.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Mr Khan, K...H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.

-Mr Malik probably mentioned me.

-No.

-Did he mention him to you?

-And...

-Who might this be?

-This is my daughter, Pinky.

Oh, what a lovely name.

Back off.

LAUGHTER

Right.

I'll be looking after all of Mr Malik's business affairs,

including his savings and investments, investments mainly.

Well, it is his investments I want to talk about.

Excellent. Me too.

Actually, gentlemen, now is not really the right time or place.

-Perhaps later, after...

-Shut up, Dave.

-Let's talk numbers, ah?

-OK.

Mr Malik owes me 100 lakh.

-What?

-He owes us 100 grand.

-What?!

He means 100,000 pounds.

Yes, OK, Dave. I do know what it means, thank you.

But now he is dead.

That means you owe me £100,000.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

One-hundred-thousand-pounds!

LAUGHTER

But there is no rush,

so long as you get me the cash by lunchtime.

Otherwise, Pinky may get very upset.

And you don't want that, do you?

No! And that's a pinky promise.

LAUGHTER

What kind of business partner is he?

He's not a business partner.

He's an illegal bookmaker.

Oh, twaddi.

I wanted an investor, and instead I've ended up with

a Pakistani Paddy Power!

LAUGHTER

-Hi, Babu dhe.

-Hello, beti.

-Isn't it awful about Mr Malik?

-Yes.

-You never know what to say.

When I found out, I texted Mrs Malik,

OMG, coffin picture, sad face.

LAUGHTER

What did we do before we had emojis?

-Where is she now?

-She's in the living room hogging the sofa.

It's like, I know you've lost your husband and whatever, but,

hello, I've got nowhere to sit.

LAUGHTER

Never mind nowhere to sit. Soon SHE'S going to have nowhere to live.

-What do you mean?

-Mr Malik was broke!

The house, the car, the gold-plated hot tub,

none of it was really his.

Just like his hair!

LAUGHTER

So Mrs Malik's not very, very rich?

No, she's very, very poor.

Brilliant!

LAUGHTER

-And she has no idea?

-No.

He kept his secret life of casinos and showgirls

completely hidden from her.

-Wow.

-I know.

I must admit, I'm liking him more and more.

LAUGHTER

-What are you going to do?

-I'm going to have to tell her.

-Can I come?

LAUGHTER

I'm going to have Italian marble for the work surfaces

and handmade oak cabinets.

Wow, this new kitchen sounds amazing.

It's what he would have wanted.

LAUGHTER

We always said, "There's nothing worse than having to live

"with a cheap and nasty kitchen."

Well, I don't need to tell you.

LAUGHTER

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Mrs Malik has just been telling me

about the new kitchen she's getting.

Isn't it too soon?

Maybe you should wait before spending any money.

After all, you never know what might be round the corner.

Mr Malik certainly didn't.

LAUGHTER

I mean, perhaps you should even think of downsizing.

Downsizing?

Yes.

In more ways than one.

LAUGHTER

No, look, maybe you should also think of selling your house, ah?

You don't want to be in that big house all on your own,

you poor thing.

You poor, poor, POOR thing.

LAUGHTER

I don't need to worry about being alone in the house.

-I won't be back there for months.

-What?!

I've booked myself on a Caribbean cruise.

It's what he would have wanted.

LAUGHTER

Won't that be very expensive?

It might seem expensive to someone of your means.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhh!

But don't worry...

Mr Malik will have left me in the money.

He's left you in the something.

LAUGHTER

Well, perhaps it's time we went and got changed, yes?

Mrs Khan is going to help me dress for the funeral.

Mr Malik always liked to see me look a million dollars.

Good luck.

LAUGHTER

Mrs Malik...

-There's something I need to tell you.

-Yes?

I'm afraid I have some terrible news,

and it's not that we've run out of biscuits.

LAUGHTER

What is it?

This might come as a bit of a shock.

Mr Khan, after all I've been through, nothing more can shock me.

Mr Malik lost all his money to an illegal bookmaker.

You're completely broke.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Brilliant!

LAUGHTER

Typical!

You wait years for one Malik to die,

and then two snuff it at the same time!

LAUGHTER

-She's not dead, Babu dhe, she just fainted.

-Thank God for that!

We can't afford to bury her as well.

Right. I'll go and get a glass of water.

You stay here and make sure she doesn't swallow her tongue.

I wouldn't put it past her.

LAUGHTER

CAMERA CLICKS

-Hello, sir.

-Hello, Amjad.

-Where's Mummy?

She's just having a bit of a lie down.

I just wanted to say thank you for standing in for me at the mosque.

-I owe you one.

-You owe a bit more than that.

LAUGHTER

-What?

-Listen, I need to talk to you about your father's business.

Oh, good. I want to talk about Daddy too.

I've decided I'm going to say a few words about him at the funeral.

OK. But about your father's business...

He was so well respected.

I don't think I can ever live up to his reputation.

I wouldn't worry too much about that if I were you.

Now, look, about the business...

He was such a good daddy to me when I was little.

And he loved little Mo and baby Nadiya too.

And now he won't ever see them grow up.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw.

And they'll never know their grandad.

But I'll tell them what a good man he was.

Everybody looked up to him, didn't they?

Yes, they did.

-What did you want to talk to me about?

-Nothing, Amjad.

Your father was a great man and he'd be very proud of you.

Oh...

Oh.

I've just had the most horrible dream.

I dreamt that Mr Malik had died and that

he'd gambled away all our money.

Well, your dreams have come true!

LAUGHTER

And Mr Malik really has died!

But...

-He didn't lose all your money.

-Thank God!

LAUGHTER

Mr Khan?

Just making sure he's looking his best.

-Perfect.

-We should take the body to the cemetery now.

Oh, and Mr Gul is looking for you.

-Right.

-Did you tell Mrs Malik and Amjad that...you know...

No, I didn't, Dave. I want Amjad to bury his father with pride.

Well, that's very noble. So are you going to pay the 100,000?

-No blooming way!

-So who is?

-I don't know. No-one has any money.

Well, so, what are you going to do?

I'll just get Mrs Malik to tell the Pakistani Paddy Power

that he'll get his money after the funeral.

-What?! How are you going to do that?

-Ah-ha!

Allow me to introduce...

Mrs Malik!

LAUGHTER

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

What?! It's perfect.

I'll do all the talking,

Riaz just has to stand there looking like a lady.

No problem.

I mean, no problem.

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, I can't allow you to do this.

Oh, right. What are you saying?

That men shouldn't wear women's clothes?

Well, no, of course not.

Obviously, I'm in favour of

a non-binary definition of gender identity.

I thought you might be.

But they'll never believe he's a woman. I mean, look at him!

LAUGHTER

-You're right.

-Thank you.

-I know what he needs.

What are you doing?

Boobies.

LAUGHTER

One in there.

There we are. Much better.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

Assalaamu Alaikum.

-BOTH:

-Walaikum salaam.

If I didn't know any better, Khan saab,

I would say you have been avoiding me.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Hello.

SHE SOBS

Mr Gul. May I introduce you to Mrs Malik.

SHE SOBS

Assalaamu Alaikum.

I am so sorry for your loss.

SHE SOBS

She's still too upset to talk.

Of course, I understand.

Mrs Malik is prepared to honour her husband's debt.

Is that so, Mrs Malik?

LAUGHTER

SHE SOBS

That is acceptable. Perhaps, when you are ready to move on,

we might get to know each other a little better?

LAUGHTER

All in good time, all in good time!

This must have come as a bit of a shock.

You're not kidding!

I must say, he looks pretty good.

The undertaker has done a first-rate job.

-RIAZ:

-Wow! Thank you very much.

LAUGHTER

Oh, twaddi!

-I can explain!

-I want my money!

Hang on, how do we know that Mr Malik owes you anything?

It's all in here.

LAUGHTER

-Look, I haven't got your money.

-Then I will get it from the boy.

He will be at the cemetery,

and I will tell him all about what his daddy was really like.

-I can't let you do that!

-Really?!

I'm going to enjoy this!

-No violence, please, this is a house of God.

-Cut it, Ron Weasley.

LAUGHTER

Wait! Can I just have something for Mrs Khan to remember me by?

Like what?

A selfie?

Say cheese!

Wow.

-Pinky.

-Go on, get it!

THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

I will get my money!

Just get back. I told you Muslim funerals were speedy.

Right, you stay with him, Dave, go on!

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

-Ameen.

-ALL:

-Ameen.

Right, come on, come on, Riaz can't sit on that coffin forever.

Mr Khan, do you know we are supposed to do the burial

before the imam conducts prayers.

If we don't get a move on, Dave,

there's going to be another funeral today.

-Who's?

-Mine!

Oh, come on, let's get this filled.

The imam wants to know if anybody would like to say a few words first?

No, we've got to get on with it! Jaldi, jaldi!

I'd like to say something.

Do you mind, sir?

No.

I don't mind, Amjad.

Whenever you're ready.

Daddy didn't talk much.

And...it was hard to tell what he was thinking most of the time.

So I don't know if any of us got to know him really well.

But what I do know is that he loved me and Mummy very much,

and I never doubted that for a second.

He was quiet.

And kind.

And he was my hero.

I'm proud of you, budhoo.

I want to go now, beta.

It's OK, Amjad.

You take your mother and the others back to the house.

I'll take care of the rest, ah?

Go on, go on, go on, go on.

Come on, come on. Jaldi, jaldi, jaldi. Come on.

LAUGHTER

-Mr Khan!

-What?

Oh, twaddi!

Oh, God!

-Come on, budhoo, let's go home.

-Shouldn't we wait for Mr Khan?

It's OK, beta, I think he's saying goodbye in his own way. Chalo.

Come on, jaldi, jaldi. Jaldi. Come on! Come on, hurry, hurry.

Help! Help!

-IMITATES WOMAN'S VOICE:

-I mean, help! Help!

LAUGHTER

-Where is he?

-Who?

-Khan!

I haven't seen him.

-Have you seen him?

-ALL:

-No.

This isn't over!

POLICE SIREN WAILS

It is now.

LAUGHTER

Are you OK, Mummy?

-Ah, I'll miss him, though.

-Me too.

SHE GASPS

-What is it?

-It's just... There was something I was going to keep.

-To remember him by.

-What?

-His...

LAUGHTER

Never mind. It's too late now.

Get me out of here!

LAUGHTER