Scab's Parents Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham - the capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me.

You like my suit?

Number one, Citizen Khan.

Hey! Goal! You know, this is the best present ever.

It's better than anything Amjad has given me.

-I gave you two grandchildren?

-That was mostly Shazia.

I wouldn't stand there if I were you. You'll get hurt!

I can't believe I've known you guys for nearly a year now.

You've been so welcoming

- and I know I'm not exactly what you had in mind for Alia.

Scabby, don't be silly. We all think you're great. Don't we, Amjad?

He's all right.

Hey, look, I've even got a Pakistani team, huh?

Look! It's Athletico Rawalpindi! KHAN LAUGHS

Get in.

Oh, twaddi.

Maybe it's time for a substitution.

Oh...

KHAN LAUGHS

It's Bobby Moore, Hamid and his cousins.

Hey, do you remember the time we tried to get into

the Villa Park away, pretending to be Cardiff City supporters?

THEY LAUGH

All right, boyo?

Hey, if you say in a Pakistani accent, 'All right, boyo?'

THEY LAUGH

-Oh, sir, remember that time when we tried to get...?

-No.

Am, for the final time, I wouldn't stand there if I were you.

Sorry, sir.

Look out for my super shooter!

AMJAD STRAINS

Oh! I missed the ball!

I don't think you did.

# One-nil to the Pakistan!

# One-nil to the Pakistan! #

I said, ooh, ah, Mr Khan! I said, ooh, ah, Mr Khan!

Oh, hello, beti.

Hi.

Ah, it's for Amjad. He hurt...

KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT ..he hurt himself.

"Eases pain and reduces inflammation".

Hm. Oh, well. You can't have everything, huh?

Everything OK?

-I get my exam results today.

-Oh, you mean your A-level retakes?

Re-retakes?

Re-re-retakes?

Three takes!

It's getting embarrassing.

-I'm never going to get to go to university.

-Alia, beti...

It doesn't matter.

I never went to university and look at me, I turned out all right.

People like us don't need to go to university.

We just get by on our looks, huh? Look.

I suppose.

Anyway, you know you can live with your mummy and daddy

-for as long as you want.

-I'm not a baby any more, papati.

Of course not, huh? You're very independent, huh?

Here.

Have some money.

KHAN LAUGHS

Oh, you know, I remember when your mother was your age,

she lived at home with her parents back in Pakistan,

while I was here trying to make my way, and eventually, she joined me.

We got married and...

we began a whole new life together.

Just the two of us.

And then, Naani kept visiting and now we're back where we started.

That's funny, because...

I was thinking I might do the same thing as you.

You want to put Naani in a home, too?

No.

I was thinking about... getting married?

What? Absolutely not! I forbid it!

-You don't want me to marry Scab?

-Scabby? Of course!

-That would be amazeballs.

-You do like him, don't you?

-Like him?

-I think he's great.

-He's really nice.

-Huh...

And kind and considerate...

-And caring.

-Yeah.

-I like the way he laughs at all your jokes.

-Me too.

And the way he makes you feel better,

even when you're feeling down.

Right.

The other day, Scabby and I, we took a walk in the park,

feeding the birds, when Scabby turned round and said...

Anyone would think you were in love with him.

Not in love with him, sweetie, we just get on really well and...

I don't know. It just feels different with him.

So... you approve?

Of course I approve!

You've made me the happiest man in Sparkhill!

KHAN LAUGHS

I said, ooh, ah, Alia! I said ooh, ah, Alia!

KHAN WHOOPS AND LAUGHS

You're not going to believe what's just happened!

You bought me that's dishwasher from Currys.

-No.

-Oh. What, then?

Well, after keeping us waiting for nearly a year,

-Alia's finally decided to get married.

-Oh, my God!

-That's what I said.

-To Scabby?

-Of course to Scabby.

-Isn't it amazing?

-Has he done the right thing and popped the question?

Not yet, he's probably just waiting for the right moment to catch me.

Not you! Her!

-Oh, right. Well, I'm sure he will, any minute.

-How do you know?

Because Alia said that she wants him to.

And between you and me, she's quite good at getting what she wants.

Really? Right! We need to get organised.

-What's that?

-The seating plan for Alia's wedding.

Hang on.

Mrs Jamil, dead. Mr Adil, dead. Mrs Adil? Very dead!

-That's because I made it on the day she was born.

-Huh.

Oh, well. At least it will be a cheap wedding.

No, it won't. There's so much to do.

We have to book a venue, order invitations, sort the caterers.

-We haven't even met his parents yet.

-Of course.

We should sit down with them

and make all the important arrangements,

like how much of the wedding they're paying for.

Dad, what have you done to Amjad?

He's fine. Here.

Hey, have you heard the exciting news about Alia and Scabby?

-They're getting married.

-What?

-I'm doing the guest list.

We need to organise it early

so it doesn't turn into a disaster, like...

previous weddings involving some of our other children.

KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

You know, I always thought if ever I were to have

a son-in-law, it would be someone like Scabby.

-Dad...

-Hm?

-You do have a son-in-law.

-Oh, yes. Sorry, Amjad.

That's OK, sir.

I suppose son-in-laws are just like your own children, huh?

You make a mistake with the first one,

but you get it right the second time around.

No. No, stop it. Stop it!

There they are! The happy couple!

Oh...

Are you waiting for someone to give you a ring?

-KHAN LAUGHS

-Leave them alone!

So, Scabby, we were just saying,

maybe it's about time we got together with your parents.

-What?

-Me and Mr Khan, we should meet up with your parents.

-I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about.

-Um...

-Well, you can't.

-Why not?

They... live out of town, er, miles away, miles, in fact

and dad, er, drinks and mum is pretty, you know,

-so it's very hard to get them out the house.

-OK...

Ooh, erm, yeah, I've got to go, but thanks. I'll see you.

Khodafez.

Papati! What have you done?

-SHAZIA:

-His parents don't live out of town.

They live in a swanky bit of Edgbaston.

They're members of that fancy country club.

Debbie says they're always down there.

But why would he lie about his parents?

-Maybe he doesn't want you to meet them.

-Why not?

We haven't got a problem with Scab.

Maybe they have a problem with Alia.

Maybe she isn't exactly what they were expecting.

-You mean...?

-What?

-..they don't approve of her?

-What?

She's not good enough for them!

How dare they! Go on, Amjad!

-Huh? Where are we going, sir?

-The country club.

Would we be swimming?

Because I should wait till the swelling goes down?

Maybe you shouldn't get involved? If it's not meant to be?

Rubbish, I won't let them stand in the way

of those two young people's happiness.

She's perfect for him and he's perfect for me. Her! Her! Her!

Come on! KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Wow! Look at this place! It's very exclusive.

It doesn't impress me, Amjad.

All the people in these country clubs are posh old blazer types. Ha!

You know, part of the old boys network.

-You know what that is, don't you?

-I think so.

It's on our cable package, but Shazia doesn't let

me watch those channels.

LAUGHTER

No! They all go to the same school. You know, give each other jobs.

They're like one big family, even bigger than a Pakistani one.

But, sir, you're old and a boy.

Why aren't you part of the network?

Amjad, the people in these old boy networks wear stripy ties,

old-fashioned suits and talk in a funny accent.

They're nothing like me.

-LAUGHTER

-OK.

They're all probably part of the Masons, you know,

with rolled-up trousers and the funny handshakes.

Right.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Khan. K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.

LAUGHTER

I'm trying to get my hands on a certain Scabby.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I get it. The funny handshake, fine.

HE SPITS

HE CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES

-Hi, love.

-Hi.

Have you been waiting long? Where are we going for lunch?

LAUGHTER

Come on, Amjad. Jaldi. Jaldi.

-We've looked everywhere!

-We can't give up now.

This is my daughter's happiness we're talking about.

Mr Scabby doesn't think my Pakistani family's good enough.

Who does he think he is? Donald Trumps?

LAUGHTER

-Maybe he's a racialist.

-I'm not going to stand for that.

-When we see him, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.

-Me too.

Good boy. Not too much, though, ah? You haven't got a lot to spare.

LAUGHTER

What should we say to him?

Well, we'll tell him he's a snooty nose and a racialist,

and he can take his hoity-toity country club

-and stick it right up his...

-That!

That's Scab's Dad. His real name's Mr Rogers.

Well, where is he then?

-Maybe he's in the sauna.

-The what?

-The sauna.

You do know what a sauna is?

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Of course!

Of course I know what a sauna is. I'm not an idiot!

LAUGHTER

Are you all right?

Yes, thank you.

Aren't you a bit hot?

Noooo.

LAUGHTER Oh!

-You do know this is a sauna?

-Of course.

This is how we dress in Pakistani saunas.

I didn't know saunas were the thing in Pakistan.

Oh, yes! We've got the biggest sauna in the world.

It's called Karachi.

LAUGHTER

THEY LAUGH

THEY SIGH

-Are you looking for someone?

-A snotty posh man.

-Take your pick.

This place is full of uppity members.

LAUGHTER

You can say that again.

-You seem fairly normal.

-Normal for Birmingham, anyway.

THEY LAUGH

But my money is just as good as theirs.

And I've got a lot more of it.

What line of business are you in?

-Taxi driver.

-You sound like a Pakistani!

THEY LAUGH

When I say driver, I've got my own private hire firm.

-Executive chauffeurs.

-Oh.

-They're all Mercedes.

-Wow!

Andy Rogers. Pleased to meet you.

-Hang on! Your Mr Scabby.

-Eh?

-I'm Mr Khan, Alia's Daddy.

-Ha!

-Fancy meeting you here.

-I know!

-Oh, she's a lovely girl, Alia.

Yeah, we always wondered why we haven't met her parents.

-You know, we thought maybe...

-Hello, sir.

LAUGHTER

Hello, Amjad. This is Mr Scabby.

AMJAD GASPS

-The racialist!

-What?!

-Amjad, no, no.

-It's OK, sir. Leave this to me.

Who do you think you are?

-Looking down your nose at us.

-Amjad, you silly.

What are you talking about?

-You said he was a snooty racist.

-No, no, no, no.

I didn't! I didn't, I didn't say that. I didn't say that!

Yes, you did. Don't you remember?

We're going to give him a piece of our minds.

I don't know what he's talking about.

Shh.

We're Pakistani. If you don't want us, we don't want you.

And you can stick your hoity-toity country club right up your...

Oops! Butterfingers!

Maybe I should be going.

No, wait! It's all been a misunderstanding.

Whatever you say.

Oh, twaddi!

-Are you hot, sir.

-Of course I'm hot!

They've got the blooming central heating turned up.

WATER SPLASHES

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Are you ready? They'll be here any minute, ah?

Couldn't you have given me more time?

Why did you have to invite them round tonight?

Because we want to meet them, and they want to meet us.

And I might have accidentally called him a snooty racist.

-Oh, my God!

-It's fine. Just be nice and give them whatever they want.

They're a very well-off family. Alia will be set up for life.

You want me to be happy, don't you?

Yes, of course, but...

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh! That's them!

Come in! Come in!

-Ooh! What a lovely house!

-Thank you.

Mrs Khan.

-Would you like a pakora?

-Oh, yes, please, I love a pakora.

-We love a pakora, don't we, And?

-We do. We love a pakora.

-oh, good.

Because we're not racist.

LAUGHTER

No, thank you, sweetie,

These aren't for eating. We play a game with them.

Have you heard of rock, paper, scissors?

Well, we play the Pakistani version. Pakora, paper, scissors.

PAKORA CLUNKS ON PLATE

LAUGHTER

That sounds like fun.

We love learning about different cultures, don't we, And?

-Yeah, we do, yeah.

-Oh, good.

-Because we're not racist.

LAUGHTER

Yes, um, well, please, please.

And about earlier, that was all a misunderstanding, ah?

I didn't really think you were racist. I thought you were posh.

But, obviously, you're not posh,

I mean, you're actually very common.

Not, not common! You're all white!

All right! All right! Right.

Right.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Would you like something to drink?

-Good idea.

-I fancy a cocktail.

-Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have any...

-No! We can do cocktails. No problem.

-What?!

-Are you sure?

I mean, what with you being Muslim.

Oh! Muslim Shuslim!

LAUGHTER

Well, you know, we wouldn't want to be culturally insensitive.

-Oh!

-Stop being a grumpy drawers,

they're obviously just not very strict.

You're just not very strict, are you?

Exactly. We're just not very strict.

We love the alcohols and this beard...

hipster.

LAUGHTER

Oh, go on, then, I'll have a cocktail too.

Yes, something with a bit of a kick to it.

-No problem.

-You can't...

-Shut up, sweetie.

-Are you mad?! We can't give them cocktails to drink.

-It's haram.

-They're our guests. We need to make them feel at home.

GLASSES CHINK

It's for Alia, remember.

But we don't have any alcohol in the house.

Oh, you must have something.

What about the stuff you clean the windows with, ah?

-You can't give them cleaning fluid to drink.

-Why not?

You gave them rocks to eat.

LAUGHTER

-Nanny's cough syrup.

-What?!

-Where is the medicine box?

Here we are. Oh, twaddi.

She's got enough in there to keep her going for another 80 years!

LAUGHTER

-Ah, here we are.

-What are you doing?!

Shouldn't it be fizzy? Beers and G & T's are fizzy.

-I really don't think we should do this.

-Aha!

Hm-mm-mm!

Here we are. That'll sort it.

Ah, look at that!

Needs to be more fizzy. Think of champagne.

Champagne is always fizzy, ah?

You're going to tell them this is champagne?

Pakistani champagne like French champagne, but browner.

LAUGHTER

-This will do it. Alka-Seltzer.

-No!

-No!

-Beti, trust me, I know what I'm doing.

LAUGHTER

HE HUMS

Perfect.

Here we are. Get stuck into that.

-ALL:

-Cheers.

LAUGHTER

Interesting.

It's Pakistani champagne.

Mm, it tastes more like a liqueur, doesn't it, And?

It does, it tastes more like a liqueur.

It's a Pakistani champagne liqueur.

Oh, it's gone straight to my head.

Reminds me of being on holiday.

All them fancy drinks you get out there.

-What's that stuff we drink in Marbs, And?

-Oh, I can't remember.

Oh, that's what happens if you drink too much of it.

SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY

MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY

We love Marbs, don't we, babes?

We do. We love Marbs.

Oh, we love it too!

-Have you been there for your holiday?

-Oh, yes.

We love going to Marbs, don't we, babes?

LAUGHTER

Babes?!

I thought you'd more likely be down the mosque.

What's a mosque?

THEY LAUGH LOUDLY

MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY

Ohhh, dear. Well, I have to say, you're not at all like we imagined.

They're not at all like we imagined, are they?

No, you're not at all like we imagined.

We're not at all like they imagined.

You know, I've been reading up about Islam,

-and you're very big on charity, aren't you?

-Oh, yes.

It's one of the five pillars.

And Suz and I, we've got a lot of money, haven't we?

We have got a lot of money.

And we were thinking, one day, we might give it all to charity.

No!

Let's not forget the little-known sixth pillar of Islam.

Those that shall have loads of money...

LAUGHTER

..shall give it unto their kinneth

and also unto their in-laws.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY

-Would you like another drink?

-Good idea.

-No, thanks, Mrs K.

-Hiya.

-Oh, Scabby!

-What's going on?

-Oh, Scabby. Mummy and Daddy have come round.

Whatever they've done, I'm so sorry.

Uh-oh, And, he's got his little sulky face on.

He's never liked us meeting his friends.

He thinks we're embarrassing.

There's no need to be embarrassed about your parents.

-We think they're great.

-Oh, that's so nice.

-We think you're great too, don't we, And?

-We do.

We think you're great.

You see? We're one big happy family.

Well, actually, that is pretty good news

because there is something

I've been meaning to ask you for quite a while now.

Yes?

Now, I know I'm not exactly the son-in-law you were expecting,

but I was hoping to get your permission to ask Alia to marry me.

I do!

LAUGHTER

-What?!

-Yes, I mean, of course. MRS KHAN:

-Oh, my God.

I knew it, I knew he was going to propose.

She's got a sixth sense when it comes to romance.

-What if she doesn't want to get married?

-Oh, she does.

-She does want to. She told me.

-Really?

Only because I have actually been carrying round this ring

for a very long time now,

and it just never quite seems to be the right moment.

-Hey, Scabby!

-Now is the right moment!

Oh, don't she look lovely?

You can see where she gets her looks from.

Thank you.

LAUGHTER

Shazia looks more like her mother.

Alia, beti, Scabby has something he'd like to ask you.

I've been meaning to ask this for a long time now.

I was just wondering...

..Alia...

..will you marry me?

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww!

No!

LAUGHTER

Would you excuse me a moment?

HE SHOUTS IN URDU

Alia, what's going on?

Did you not understand the question?

Of course I understood the question.

But Scabby's got a ring and everything.

-Then he'll just have to take it back.

-Alia, what are you doing?

-You said you liked him.

-I do.

And you told me you wanted to get married.

Yeah, but that's not what I meant.

What else does getting married mean?

It's just... The thing is...

..I got my exam results.

It's OK, beti, you just take them again, like you always do.

No, you don't understand.

-I passed them.

-You did WHAT?!

LAUGHTER

-I passed them!

-What? ALL of them?!

Alia, beti! I'm so proud of you!

Thanks, papati.

It means I can go to university.

My little girl's going to university!

The first one in our family.

-Shazia went to uni.

-That doesn't count.

LAUGHTER

So, which one are you going to go to?

Birmingham City University or The University of Birmingham?

-Neither.

-But none of the rest are in Birmingham!

I know! I got a place at one called Glasgow. I think it's in Wales.

LAUGHTER

-All right.

-So that's why I don't need to get married.

I don't understand.

I'm living at home with my parents.

I felt like I was going to be stuck here forever.

-Stuck?

-You know what I mean.

I can't always be Daddy's girl.

Oh...

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww.

I need a bit of freedom.

I thought getting married was going to be my only chance to get it.

I see.

I'm sorry.

You do understand, don't you?

I do. I do understand, Alia, beti.

After all, I am your papati.

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww.

But for future reference, if you're looking for freedom,

getting married doesn't have very much.

LAUGHTER

Well?

You know, when you think about it,

-are you sure you even want to get married?

-Oh, my God!

It's us, isn't it? A bit too common for you, are we?

-What?

-Not sophisticated enough.

-Just cos we've got gold-plated mixer taps in the toilet.

-No.

I'd love to have gold-plated...

Anyway, we're much more common than you are.

Especially her.

SHE SPEAKS URDU

-See?

-Well, what is it then?

-It's me.

-Alia...

-I'm sorry, I really am.

-You know how I feel about you.

-Then, why?

I passed my retakes. I'm going away to university.

I can't believe this.

-MRS KHAN:

-Neither can I! You passed your retakes?!

LAUGHTER

We could still make it work.

Yeah.

Not really, though.

Long distance relationships never really work out.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, Scabby, my poor baby.

-Come on, son, let's go.

We know when we're not welcome.

I guess a five-bedroom executive home

and an S-class Mercedes isn't good enough for some people.

LAUGHTER

No, listen, Scabby, just because you and Alia have broken up,

we can still be friends, ah?

Yeah, that never really works out either, though, does it?

# I feel it in my fingers... #

HE CRIES

Are you OK?

SOBS: I'm OK!

Aw.

I just really, really liked him.

-Aw.

-I thought it could be forever!

I know.

But it's OK, you can still play football.

-Huh?

-With Amjad.

HE HOWLS

# So if you really love me

# Come on and let it show... #