Alia's University Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me. Do you like my suit?

Number one, Citizen Khan.

-Are you ready?

-I've been ready for five hours.

-We're late.

-I know.

Alia's going to miss registration on her first day at university.

It's OK, we're all set, the car is full of petrol

and I've set the satnav for Glasgow.

-Now, come on.

-Oh, I can't believe our baby is leaving us.

She's too young. Do you think she'll have a nice time in Scotland?

Sweetie, nobody has a nice time in Scotland.

-We're ready.

-Hello, sir.

-Why are they coming?

I want the whole family to see Alia off.

It might be the last time we'll be together.

And what about Little Mo and baby Nadia?

Where are we going to put them, in the glove compartment?

Amjad's mum is looking after them.

Why is Mrs Malik looking after them?

I want to look after them. I want to look after everybody!

This is going to be a long day.

And it's just got longer.

She's so excited.

I don't want to go.

It's so nice of you to come, Naani.

Is nobody listening to me?

It's OK, Naanijan, I'm listening to you.

And I don't want you to go either.

Then I'm coming.

-Heh!

-Right, fine, just everyone get in the car.

HE CHIVVIES THEM ON

Aren't you forgetting someone?

How can I be possibly be forgetting anyone?

Hiya.

Hello, beti, are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Perfect. Right, everyone happy?

Let's go.

No, I can't bear it!

My baby girl is leaving me. Don't leave me!

Papaji!

It's OK, beti, I'll sort this out. Come on, darling, come on.

Now, come on.

If everyone just does as I say, there'll be no problems at all.

Come on!

Well?

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

It's broken.

What do you expect? We're carrying too much weight.

I could tell the old girl was struggling the minute we left the house.

We should have given her an extra blanket.

I'm talking about the car.

Is she all right back there?

She's fine, she likes it.

You know back home,

my father had an old British motorcycle with a sidecar.

They were like a Pakistani Wallace and Gromit.

More paneer, Gromit.

So, what are we going to do?

We'll just unhook the trailer, she can take her chances hitchhiking.

About the car?

Because of course you haven't got any breakdown cover.

Because they're a waste of money. You never use them.

Until now.

We can all be wise after the event, sweetie.

I wish for once you would be wise before the event.

Calm down, my darling.

My mate Mr Mohammed has got a tow truck.

Hello! Salaam aleikum, Mr Mohammed.

Voicemail.

Mr Khan speaking. Now, listen, we're just outside Wolverhampton on A449.

I need you to come and give us a tow. Call me back.

-What now?

-We wait.

Am I going to get to go to university, Papaji?

Of course, beti.

Don't you remember the promise I made you all those years ago?

'It was the very day you were born. All the way back in 1996.'

You can come in now.

Do you promise not to swear at me again?

I promise.

Oh, perfect!

Just perfect.

A little brother for Shazia.

Not brother - sister.

What?

It's a girl.

Another one?

Haan.

Ah, she is beautiful.

Where's Shazia?

She's downstairs.

We've been watching The Lion King on video...

for the 758th time.

Ah, this is a proud moment in the Khan family life.

A new child.

# It's the circle

# The circle of life! #

HE LAUGHS

What shall we call her?

Simba.

Simba?

Not Simba.

Alia.

Alia, ha.

PHONE RINGS Oh, my mobile phone.

Hello?

Naani!

What are you calling me on the mobile for?

It costs a blooming bomb!

Call me on the landline.

Honestly, your mother!

BABY GRIZZLES Oh, she likes the phone.

Alia, beti, I promise,

as you grow up,

I'll give you the best start in life,

the best opportunities and the best education.

But you won't need one of these.

Imagine a world where all the children had mobile phones.

Your father will never let you down, beti.

PHONE PLAYS BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY

Ah, here he is, Mr Mohammed.

He'll sort us out, he knows me of old.

Waleikum assalam, Mr Mohammed.

Perfect.

Fantastic.

Marvellous, marvellous.

OK, see you then. OK, bye.

He'll be five hours, we're bottom of his list.

I thought you said he knows you of old.

Yes, that's why we're bottom of his list.

Alia's going to miss her registration.

What are we going to do? This is all your fault.

Aha!

-Right, come on, you lot, get the bags and wait over there.

-Why?

That lorry is going to give us a lift.

How do you know he's going to Scotland?

Lucky guess.

I'll sort this out.

I know what I'm doing, it'll be fine,

you worry too much, you people.

HE HAWKS

-Salaam aleikum.

-What do you want?

I was wondering, could you give me and my family a lift in your lorry?

You must be joking, pal.

It's OK, we're Pakistani, not Romanians.

I don't care where you're from, you're not getting in my lorry.

Oh, come on, we love the Scotlands.

Some of my best friends are ginger.

Well, when I say friends...

Do you know Dave?

Forget it.

I voted leave.

So did I!

-Well?

-Am I going to get there in time, Papaji?

Of course you are, beti.

It's all sorted, come on, come on. Come on. Come on, here we are.

-Here we are.

-Are you sure it's OK?

Of course, the driver said it's no trouble.

We can't get in there.

Yes, we can. Amjad will help us,

but we've got to be quick, the driver is in a hurry. Come on.

Come on, come on.

Amjad, what are you doing?

Oh, my God! I can't see anything.

Calm down, there must be a light switch somewhere.

Here, what's this?

Oh!

There we are.

I told you everything would be all right.

We'll be in Bonnie Scotland before you know it,

eating bagpipes and playing the haggises.

-Have some chai, Naani.

-Nahin.

We have to keep you hydrated.

We don't want her too hydrated, sweetie, it's a long journey.

You've got to phone the university to tell them we might be running late.

And I need the phone Mrs Malik.

I want to check she's not filling Little Mo full of biscuits.

It's OK, ladoo, Mummy doesn't share biscuits.

-I can't get a signal.

-Have you got a signal, budhoo?

Ssh! I think there's a Pidgey in one of these crates.

What the flip's a Pidgey?

He's playing Pokemon, him and Little Mo are obsessed with it.

It beats loads of other Pokemon characters.

A Pidgey can even beat a Gastly.

SLURPING

Which one of them beats a naani?

Wow!

Look at this!

What is it, budhoo?

I think it's the new iPhone.

It's not an iPhone, you idiot, that's a calculator.

Remember when Alia had her lucky calculator?

And her lucky pencil case?

And her lucky hijab?

She had to have all her lucky things with her for every exam.

So why did she fail them all so many times?

She was just unlucky.

Yeah.

What does E stand for?

I think it's short for Excellent.

-She's got E's?

-No, only one E.

The rest are U's.

What's that - Unbelievably Good?

I don't know if I'll fit in here, Papaji.

Alia, we are just as good as anyone else.

You hold your head high, be proud of who you are.

But I thought this place was only for Catholics.

What?

Anscombe College is a Catholic school.

Oh, twaddi!

Alia, why don't you take off your coat? It's very warm in here.

And maybe take off some of this shiny stuff from hijab.

We don't want to seem too flashy.

Very good, well done, Alia.

What a girl! Second to none, she is.

-Have you got a signal yet?

-Hang on.

Alia, why haven't you filled in any of these registration forms?

I didn't have a pen.

I've got a signal!

-Be careful.

-It's fine.

I've got excellent balance.

I was third-best gymnast at my school

after Benny and that boy with the turned toes.

BRAKES SQUEAL

Aaaargh!

Oh, my God!

Are you OK, Papaji?

I'm fine, beti.

But I think my phone is broken.

Oh...my...God!

It's too horrible!

I can't even look at it!

It's OK, come and sit down.

You think she's going to be able to cope OK at university?

Oh, my goodness, look here. It says all the accommodation is mixed.

So? She be fine. Alia is a good girl.

And anyway, I've given her the talk.

What, you mean about the birds and the bees?

What have they got to do with it?

Sweetie, I need to talk to you about something very important.

OK, Papaji.

Now, I know your head is filled only with God and studies right now.

But one day you realise

there are other things in the world, like boys.

OK.

But what you have to remember is that boys are not like girls.

-Are they not?

-No.

Boys are bad. They only have one thing on their minds.

What's that?

HE GULPS

Cricket.

Cricket?!

-Yes.

-I don't like cricket.

I know. And that's good.

But one day you might decide that you do...like...cricket.

I don't think so, it's dead boring.

You're right, it is.

But one day you might meet somebody, let's say a boy,

and he's really into the cricket

and he might try and get you to watch.

And you might think, well, there's no harm in watching.

But then...

he shows you his bat.

And his pads.

And his helmet.

And the next thing you know, the covers are off,

you're letting him play on your pitch

and you've been caught out by his googly.

Do you see?

-Sort of.

-Good.

You know, I thought that was going to be difficult.

But it was actually very easy.

That's how you do it.

If you want to know about birds and bees,

download the David Attenborough documentary on the iPlayer.

-Really?

-It's fine.

Alia and I have a very close relationship.

We've had some honest and open chats over the years.

But what about that time when you thought she was...

What?

You know.

Fat?

Pregnant.

That was all a misunderstanding.

-Look at this.

-Yes. So?

-It's a pregnancy tester.

-Yes, so?

It's positive.

You mean...?

-Exactly.

-We're having another baby?

It's not mine!

-I found it in the bathroom.

-Not my sweet Alia.

She would have told me. She always tells me everything.

Right, then you can go and ask her.

What?

Oh, twaddi!

So, these are my new blonde highlights,

which I did with a home colouring kit in the bathroom.

And here's my top tip.

HAWKING

Hello, beti.

Hi, Papaji!

Did you want to talk to me about something?

Yeah, why not? Might as well come in and keep you company now I'm here.

Beti, your mother and I were wondering,

is there something you might want to tell us?

No.

Something that you've done,

something that a good Pakistani Muslim girl shouldn't have done?

Um...

It's just that your mother found something in the bathroom.

Oh.

Is it yours? It's OK.

You can tell me, I won't be cross.

Yeah, it's mine.

Oh, Alia!

My little baby!

I was going to tell you.

Oh, God!

I was just trying it out.

But you are our best daughter.

How could you do this?

I just wanted to see what it would be like.

But, sweetie, we all get curious about it,

but these things have consequences.

Is it really such a big deal, though?

Yes!

Only...I quite like it.

No!

I mean, I'm definitely going to do it again.

Only next time I'll probably want a different colour.

Oh, my God! No, no, no!

You see, nothing like that has ever happened to Alia.

And it never will.

Stop the lorry!

What for?

I need toilet.

Well, I need a new combi-boiler, but we can't have everything.

Have you found another Pokemon, budhoo?

This time I'm going for a Squirtle.

Oh, me too!

Just hold it in.

This is Alia's important day,

we don't want to spoil it for her, do we?

Nahin.

I hope you're going to come and visit me when I'm in Glasgow.

Of course we will, Sis.

And you can come and stay with us in the holidays.

There'll be plenty of room now we're getting the loft done.

-Can you afford that?

-Dad's lending us the money, aren't you, Dad?

That reminds me...

-I can't lend you the money.

-Why not?

I spent it on Alia's university.

You spent our loft money on Alia?

It's not my fault.

If Alia had failed her exams, like we thought she was going to,

she wouldn't be going to university.

So, technically, it's her fault.

Why didn't you tell me before?

I'd have borrowed the money from the bank and done it last year.

But oh, no, "Don't borrow from the bank," you said.

"Always borrow from family.

"Our rates are much better!"

SHE HAWKS

Doesn't sound anything like me.

This is so typical, putting Alia first.

-You always liked her more than me.

-Nonsense.

I've always treated you both exactly the same.

I love this girl.

She's a blooming marvel.

Almost like a son, she is.

Alia wants to use Naani's photoshoot

to get loads of pictures of herself.

Good idea.

We can't get enough pictures of the beautiful daughter.

Thanks, Papaji.

But I want to get some of just me, Amjad and baby Mo.

All lying on the floor in a line with our legs in the air.

I think it'd look nice.

I think you'd look like chickens in a halal butcher's window.

My grandmother wants to know if there's any record of her father here.

Eldest daughter, just ignore her, that's what I do.

Ah, Alia, good daughter, this one's very clever, always studying,

loves her history and so forth.

-Yes?

-There's no Wi-Fi in here.

No.

Probably going to do her homework. HE HAWKS

You know, for once, I need to put Alia first.

Mum?

Your father's right, beti.

Am I? Blimey!

-What are you doing?

-I'm writing it down.

"23rd of September 2016,

"Mrs Khan says Mr Khan is right."

Shazia, your sister's done very well

to get onto her business and management course.

Wait a minute.

This doesn't say business and management.

Alia? Why doesn't it say business and management?

-Maybe they spelt it wrong.

-Alia...

OK, so, when I actually looked at the prospectus,

it was, like, so boring.

The first half was business this, business that,

I don't even know what the second half was about.

Management?

Whatever.

Did you know about this?

I might have heard something about it.

And when were you planning to tell me?

Now?

OK, so, if you're not doing business and management, what are you doing?

Sustainable beauty therapy and geography.

Wow! That sounds amazing.

What kind of job is she going to get with beauty therapy and geography?

Mobile hairdresser.

She's done it again.

She always lies to you and you always fall for it.

Rubbish.

Alia, tell me the truth.

Have you ever lied to me?

-No.

-See?

-She doesn't speak much English.

-Going somewhere nice?

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-In discotheque.

-Huh?

-It's French for prayer meeting.

I'm going out, I'll be back later.

Sweetie, Alia, you know how your mother worries.

You're supposed to tell us where you're going

and what time you'll be back.

-But I did.

-Did you?

Yeah, I'm going out and I'll be back later.

Oh, yes.

SHE GASPS

-Hello, beti.

-What are you doing?

Your father is a very important man.

I'm doing some urgent mosque business.

What are you doing?

I was just going out.

It's very late.

There's a late-night prayer meeting at the mosque.

-CAR HORN BEEPS

-That's the Imam come to pick me up.

Such a good girl.

Is that a hijab?

Yeah, it's waterproof in case it rains.

Clever, modest and practical.

Aw...she's a practically perfect Pakistani in every way.

Thanks, Papaji.

Well, we're not wasting all that money on some stupid make-up course.

-Tell the driver to turn around, we're going home.

-What?

-Me too.

I need to get to work if I'm going to pay for this loft extension.

Let's not be hasty, my darling.

Stop...the...lorry.

SHE SPEAKS URDU

..Welcome Break.

-We can't stop now.

-Yes, we can. Tell the driver.

-I can't.

-Why not?

-Because.

-Because what?

Because...

..he doesn't know we're in here.

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

They are going to think we're illegal immigrants.

They're going to lock us in some detention centre.

Naani's too old to cope with that.

At least there'll be a toilet.

So, who's going to look after Mo and Nadia while I'm locked up?

Be strong, ladoo, I'll always tell them how brave their mummy was.

You'll be locked up too.

Oh, no!

It's fine.

As soon as we get to Scotland,

we'll sneak out and everything will be Mac-tickety-boo.

Is Felixstowe in Scotland?

What was that, sweetie?

It says here we're just outside Felixstowe.

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Everyone calm down.

Calm down! Shush, shush!

You said he was going to Scotland.

Well, he was Scottish, where else would he be going?

I don't know, anywhere at all,

because he was coming FROM Scotland, not going back there.

I should have known.

Scottish people never go back to Scotland once they've escaped.

Call the police, call the fire brigade, anyone!

My phone's broken.

-Amjad.

-OK.

Oh, no, my battery's run out.

Too much Pokemon.

Oh, my God! Alia, your phone.

-No way!

-Now!

All right, that's it, I'll just phone the police, shall I?

"Oh, hello, officer, we've got any emergency situation.

"Yes, we're a Pakistani family in the back of a lorry.

"Could you please come and let us out?"

BRAKES HISS

He's stopped.

VOICES OUTSIDE Bang on the sides.

-ALL:

-Help! Help!

Chup, chup!

BANGING AND CLANKING

Sounds like we're getting somewhere.

-What's going on?

-Maybe they're trying to tell us something.

Hang on, sir, I know Morse code.

BANGING AND CLANKING

Well?

They're taking us off the lorry

and they're loading us onto a pile of other containers.

You can tell all that from just a few bangs?

No, I saw it through this little hole.

THEY ALL SCREAM

Shush, shush!

Everyone, calm down.

CLANK

This is all your fault. I said we should have gone by train.

-You should have listened to me.

-Why, what did you say?

I told her not to marry you.

My babies are stuck with Mrs Malik.

Alia's going to lose her place at university,

you have ruined everything.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Stop it! Just stop it, all of you!

Leave him alone.

It's not his fault, it's mine.

Alia...

Sweetie, let the girl speak.

This is all because of me.

I only wanted to go to uni in Scotland to get away from you all.

But I've realised something today.

My family mean more to me than anything.

I can't leave you all behind.

I'd miss all the shouting too much.

Aw, beti!

But what about your education?

I'll just get a place at Birmingham Uni instead.

See? She's learning already. Birmingham's cheaper.

Like I told you on the day you were born, you're the clever one.

She takes after her father.

Good-looking and intelligent.

Now that we're a proper family, can we go on a family holiday?

Hah.

-Somewhere abroad this time, not Great Yarmouth again.

-Of course.

Somewhere with sun and sand, but not too many tourists.

I know just the place.

The Seychelles?

Close.

Pakistan.

You never took me back to Pakistan, though.

One day, beti, one day.

-OVER LOUDSPEAKER:

-'Attention, all crew.

'Attention, all crew.

'The arrival time into the port of Karachi, Pakistan, will be 47 days.'