Mr Khan's Niece Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me!

Do you like my suit?

Number one! Citizen Khan.

Greetings, my boob-tube followers.

Now, many of you have been messaging me saying,

"Mr Khan, you are our community leader,

"everyone turns to you for guidance

"on matters both moral and spiritual.

"So when are you going to do the cinnamon challenge?"

Well, today is the day, yes.

Apparently, you have to eat some cinnamon without drinking anything.

Easy-peasy, huh?

Now, most people use a teaspoon.

Not me.

I'm Pakistani, ah? We can handle our spices.

Look at that. So, here we go.

Get some there.

Ah-ha!

Woohoo! And down the hatch!

HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES

HE GASPS

Ah! Eurgh!

Ah! Eurgh!

LAUGHTER

I don't get it.

-It's a thing we boob-tubers do.

-Why?

Because then people go and click on it and watch you doing it.

Why?

LAUGHTER

How should I know? It's the internet, Riaz,

-This is how everything works nowadays.

-Oh, OK.

It's all about getting as many hits as possible.

One person got 48 million views for this.

Wow! How many did you get?

That's not important.

LAUGHTER

Now just film me for my new, exciting poster - behind the scenes

at the mosque committee meeting.

-Get my best side, ah?

-OK.

Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan.

Hello, Dave.

LAUGHTER

Are you here for the mosque committee meeting?

Yes, that's right. I'm going to be filming it for my boob-tube channel.

Oh, no, sorry, you can't do that. Data protection, I'm afraid.

-What?

-Well, I did send you an e-mail about it.

I never get any of your e-mails, Dave.

I think my computer must have some kind of ginger filter.

That's not a thing.

Well, you say that,

but I never get any e-mails from Chris Evans or Mick Hucknall either.

LAUGHTER

-Shall we start the meeting?

-Yes, OK.

Thanks for... Thanks for coming, everyone.

As you know, we're here to talk about ideas

for the upcoming Muslim Day.

Now, who...? Who wants to start the ball rolling?

Anyone else?

LAUGHTER

-Mr Khan.

-Oh! Thank you, Dave.

See, I think the most important thing to consider is

why we're doing this.

Well, Muslim Day is about educating people,

showing them what Islam is really all about.

-I'm hoping to organise some interesting lectures.

-Lectures?!

Borrrring!

This is Sparkhill, Dave. Not University College Coxbridge.

Well, I suppose you've got a better idea.

-Of course I have.

-Oh! What is it?

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Amjad.

Well, how about...

-A Muslim Fun Day.

-A Muslim what?!

A Fun Day.

You know, one of those churchy-fetey things

that you white people do, ah?

-But with some Muslim thingamajigs thrown in instead.

-For example?

Pin the beard on the imam!

Alcohol-free bottle tombola!

Halal candyfloss! Guess who's under the burqa!

People will love it. Trust me, Dave.

I know what the public wants.

I was hoping we might be able to take the opportunity to focus

on the role of women in modern Islam.

Why?

Well, we want to encourage women

to take a more prominent role in society.

-Do we?

-Yes, of course.

We want to get more Muslim women into positions of power.

Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave!

Muslim women have got quite enough power already.

You don't want to give them any more. It'll just confuse them.

Well, as chairman of the mosque committee,

it's ultimately my decision

and I happen to think that women's rights

are far more important than some silly sideshows.

-You haven't heard the best one yet. SIGHING:

-Go on.

Bouncy mosque.

LAUGHTER

Like a bouncy castle but with minarets.

-That's hardly appropriate.

-Why not?

A bouncy mosque is just like any other mosque.

You have to take your shoes off first.

LAUGHTER

And it helps you get higher and closer to God.

-Yes.

-You see?

I've got the backing of the mosque committee already, Dave, ah?

Mohammed, here, he's on side.

So is Mohammed, and Mohammed. Oh, and look!

Even Mohammed is too.

LAUGHTER

No, no, no. Hang on a minute!

Why don't you just put your money where your mouth is, ah?

What?!

I do my thing and you do yours, and whoever gets the most people

can be chairman of the mosque committee, eh?

But I'm already chairman of the mosque committee.

HE MIMICS CHICKEN CLUCKING

Look, it's not a competition. We're all on the same side.

HE CLUCKS LOUDER

Right, let's do it!

Ha! Clucking brilliant! Bwark!

LAUGHTER

Right, Muslim Day starts in an hour.

-Come on, jaldi, jaldi.

-Nearly ready.

Traditional Pakistani food

-for a traditional Pakistani stall, right?

-Uh-huh.

What have you got?

-Pizza.

-How is that Pakistani?

Pakora topping.

LAUGHTER

Can someone listen to my "being a working Muslim mum" speech?

-I need to practise.

-Shazia?

Dave asked me to contribute to his Women In Islam event.

How could you do this to me, Shazia?

Siding with the gingers,

instead of your own flesh and blood?

You won't find a proper Pakistani man

encouraging the empowerment of women.

It would be like turkeys voting for Christmas.

Ladoo, I've written bullet points of your speech on flash cards

and arranged them in order.

-Thanks, budhoo.

-That's OK, ladoo.

Oh, wait. Can I call you ladoo, or is it demeaning to women?

-It's fine.

-Phew!

LAUGHTER

What do you think you're doing, Amjad?

I thought Shazia would be interested in the Women's Day.

Why are you trying to destroy my Muslim Day?

I only get one shot at this, you know.

-That's not strictly true.

-What?

You see, the thing is, we're all Muslim.

-Right.

-So technically, for us, every day is a Muslim day.

LAUGHTER

Or as we Muslims call it, a day.

LAUGHTER

I want a word with you.

-Oh, hello, sweetie.

-When were you going to tell me about this?

Ah, now.

About those pictures, see, I thought,

Miss Bumbum was a Vietnamese restaurant.

LAUGHTER

I was going to take you out for a meal.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-I'm talking about this e-mail from your sister.

-Oh, yes, that.

-Who's Miss Bumbum?

-I don't know!

What e-mail?

She sent an e-mail last month

saying she wants your niece, Shabana, to come and stay.

-Right.

-But we can't have your niece to stay!

It's too disruptive. And we haven't got the space.

But I thought she could have Alia's bedroom

now that she's at university.

No.

Anyway, I'm busy at work,

and there's no-one here to look after her.

-Of course, I understand.

-So you'll reply, then.

I already replied.

-Oh, what did you tell her?

-I said it's OK.

LAUGHTER

-What?! Without even discussing it?

-Dad, you can't do things like that.

Idiot!

Look, it's the school holidays and her mother's gone to Pakistan.

You mean she's disappeared on one of her shopping trips again?

Your sister's never taken responsibility for that girl.

She's always palming her off on someone, and now it's our turn.

That's not true, sweetie, she's a very caring and generous person.

Is she paying you to look after Shabana?

LAUGHTER

It's not payment!

It's just room and boarding at special discount rate.

-Oh, my God! Why...?

-Now, wait a minute.

All right, my sister's a little bit difficult,

but could I really turn Shabana away?

Our niece? Your cousin?

And whatever she is to you?

-You're right, I'm sorry.

-That's OK.

-When's she arriving?

What's the date?

-23rd.

-Today. DOORBELL RINGS

LAUGHTER

Well, you'll have to look after her today,

because we are all going to support Shazia and Women In Islam.

Oh, not you, too.

Look, what's the problem?

She's stayed with us before and she was very quiet.

-That was ten years ago!

-I know.

I took her and Alia on the steam railway to Chh-Llandudno.

You forgot about her and left her on the train.

I told you she was very quiet.

LAUGHTER

Look, she'll be no trouble.

Shabana is a very sweet, innocent little girl.

Here she is.

Sup?

Salaam alaikum.

You remember me? It's Uncle Mr Khan.

Oh, I remember you, all right.

-That's nice. And your auntie?

-Hello, beti.

And Naani.

No way! I thought you were dead.

LAUGHTER

We've all thought that about her at some point, haven't we?

And here's your cousin Shazia. And Amjad.

-Have I got something on my face?

-No.

Apart from the messy bits of metal.

Don't worry about him, ah? He's not a proper relative.

So, what kind of things would you like to do while you're here?

I don't know.

Auntie could take you to the safari park.

Feed the penguins.

Take Naani. Feed the lions as well.

LAUGHTER

Do you fancy coming with me

to the Women In Islam event at the community centre?

-SHE LAUGHS

-Good one.

Oh, what, like, really?!

Don't you think it's important to empower women?

Yeah, I think feminism is basically just for plain girls. No offence.

LAUGHTER

-I think we'd better go.

-OK.

Shabana, there must be something you'd like to do.

I thought I might go to this place in Moseley and get a tat.

A what?

A tattoo.

Yeah, I want to get a big one going right up my leg and across my butt.

Anything else?

A couple of my friends are down in a squat in London.

-Could you drive me down there?

-I don't think so.

-Oh, what?

Because you think I'm a respectable Pakistani Muslim girl?

No, I'm pretty sure I don't think that.

LAUGHTER

Let me talk to her. I think she just needs a motherly touch.

Hello, Shabana.

This is your auntie speaking.

We don't usually have tattoos or go to squats in Sparkhill.

-Why don't I make you some of my famous pakoras instead?

-Oh, yeah.

Mum told me about your famous pakoras.

She said they make great doorstops.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

She's all yours.

No!

Make sure you don't lose her this time!

Ha!

LAUGHTER

-ANNOUNCER:

-'Welcome to Mr Khan's Muslim Fun Day.

'Hope you're having a great time.

'Thank you, Mr Khan.'

-Now, aren't you glad you came?

-Um, no.

Oh, hello, Dave. Or should I say loser? Ha-ha.

Looks like my Muslim Day is turning out to be a big hit.

Muslim Day is for everyone, Mr Khan. It's not about me or you.

Of course, Dave. You're absolutely right.

Here, have a balloon.

LAUGHTER

Shabana, don't play with that, beti.

Huh. This is so lame.

Don't listen to her. Look! Everyone is loving it.

Look, we've got a bouncy mosque.

Pin the beard on the imam.

LAUGHTER

How did you get so many people? There was no money for advertising.

Ah, well. That would be telling.

CALL TO PRAYER: 'I'd LOVE you to come to Mr Khan's Muslim Fun Day.

'This Wednesday at the community centre.'

So, Dave, tell us...

How's your...

HE YAWNS LOUDLY ..snoozefest going?

I'm sure it'll pick up once my celebrity guest speaker arrives.

Ha-ha. And who's that?

Some hairy-faced woman

from the University of Wolverhampton

in dungarees and a degree in

"Boo-hoo, it's so hard being a lady."

It's Baroness Warsi,

the first Muslim woman to serve as a Cabinet minister.

-Oh, that's not a big deal.

-We'll see, won't we?

She's appearing in the community centre in ten minutes.

OK, everyone, Baroness Warsi will be here any moment.

Shazia and I will be the welcoming committee,

so we'll go outside and greet her,

and then we'll come inside and do the talks.

I'm so excited.

Me too.

LAUGHTER

Wow, looks like everyone's in here.

-Who's that at the front?

-The press.

-I don't believe it!

Dave's going to get his picture in the papers

with Lady Baron Warsi.

And he's going to be on the radio.

She'll probably invite him to have tea on the terrace

-at the House of Lords too.

-What?

And luckily, the weather has been kind to us,

as it doesn't A PEER to be raining.

DAVE LAUGHS

Because Baroness Warsi's a peer in the House of... Never mind.

I need to get up there.

But you know nothing about women in Islam.

-Come on, beti.

-Hey!

-Excuse me, thank you.

Excuse me, thank you very much. Thank you.

-Hang on, Dave. Hang on.

-Mr Khan.

Dad, what are you doing?

I'm sorry to interrupt,

but I had something important that I wanted to share with Shazia

-and everyone here, even Dave.

-What?

Now, I admit that before today,

I was a bit negative about the whole Women In Islam thing.

I mean, I was.

-I pooh-poohed it, didn't I, Dave?

-Yes.

But then something happened that changed my mind.

Do you know what it was?

Was it when a lot more people wanted to come to my thing than to yours?

LAUGHTER

It wasn't, but it hurts that you would think that.

It was when I looked into the eyes of my young niece here...

..a shy, sweet, innocent Muslim girl...

LAUGHTER

..who has her whole life still ahead of her.

And I realised that these messages of empowerment

can show someone like Shabana here

that she can be whatever she wants to be.

She can do whatever she wants to do.

AUDIENCE MURMURS AGREEMENT

And that there are no limits on her

as a woman. Or...

..as a Muslim.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-What a load of crap!

-Huh?

He won't let me do anything I want to do. In fact, he forbids it.

No, I don't!

He says what I want isn't suitable

for respectable Pakistani Muslim girl.

Hang on a minute, ah?

And he doesn't care about women's issues.

He tried to stop his wife coming here today

so that she could stay at home making pakoras.

No, I didn't!

He tried to make ME stay at home and make pakoras as well.

No!

He makes his old mother-in-law who's, like, 100 or something,

stay up all night making pakoras.

AUDIENCE VOICES DISAGREEMENT

She wanted to!

He's not part of the solution, he's part of the problem.

He's trying to silence women's voices.

Just ask my plain-looking cousin.

LAUGHTER

Who would like to have a go on my bouncy mosque?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Baroness Warsi's here!

What the flipping heck was all that about?!

Why did you say all those things?

Well, it's true, isn't it?

You won't let me do what I want.

Because what you want is to be covered in tattoos

and lying down on a mattress in some squatty SQUATTY!

LAUGHTER

What are you doing? Don't film this, you idiot!

-Sorry.

-Give me that!

-You just stay here and keep her out of trouble.

-OK.

-Baroness Warsi.

-Hi.

Hi. I'm Shazia. Shazia Khan.

Actually, Shazia Malik, but I don't use my married name.

I mean, he doesn't own me.

It's not the Middle Ages. Ha!

LAUGHTER

Can I just say I'm a huge fan?

Thank you.

I'll show you through to the community centre

and we can get started.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Lady Baron, Lady Baron,

Mr Khan, community leader.

They all know me.

LAUGHTER

How about I get you a nice cup of tea?

Shazia, fetch a cup of tea for the Lady Baron.

I'm fine, thank you.

All right, how about a photo? Two community leaders side-by-side.

LAUGHTER

I'm so sorry. Just ignore him.

Dave, I need to show the Lady Byron

my Muslim women's bits.

LAUGHTER

Muslim Women's Day.

Muslim Women's Day?

-Yup!

-What, so all these stalls

are all about the empowerment of women?

Yup.

-LAUGHTER

-Go on, then.

OK. So, first of all, here we have take the beard off the Imam.

LAUGHTER

This is saying that Imams don't need to have beards.

So Muslim womens can be Imams too!

But if the woman's already got a beard, well,

that's a bonus.

LAUGHTER

Now, here we have the stocks,

representing how women used to be shackled.

But not any more!

Because we've got the balloons that says reach for the stars!

LAUGHTER

What about that?

Well, this is about empowerment, you see.

Womens can do man's jobs too!

So the man can just sit down and relax

and play with his sudoku.

LAUGHTER

Now, follow me, follow me, come on, come on.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Now, this might look like a bouncy mosque, but it's more than that.

This actually represents equality in Islam.

Men and women doing the bouncy-bouncy together!

LAUGHTER

It's amazing what you women can do these days!

Look at Mrs Warsi,

how she finds the time to be a Lady Baron

and also do the cooking and cleaning

is a lesson to you all!

Lady Baron, we are so proud of what you have achieved.

And even prouder of your husband for allowing you to do it!

LAUGHTER

What?!

He-he!

Hee-hee-hee!

Oh, help, help! Oh, twaddi! Twaddi! Help! Help!

Are you serious?

SQUEAKY HELIUM VOICE: Lady Baron, let me assure you,

unequivocally

and categorically,

I am deadly serious.

I would never treat estimable women in Islam

as a Mickey Mouse subject.

LAUGHTER

I think I've seen enough.

Oh, twaddi! No! Come back!

-No, wait, come back.

-Dad.

Ha! Idiot!

It's not my fault. It must have been Shabana.

Where is she?

-You were supposed to be looking after her.

-I left her with Riaz.

RIAZ YELLS

She tricked me.

She's getting a tattoo.

Find her!

Stop!

Get your filthy paws off that girl!

-Calm down, mate.

-Oh, my God!

You've defaced her forever with this hideous monstrosity!

LAUGHTER

It looks lovely on you, though.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Right, young lady, what do you think you're playing at?

I suppose it was you that put the helium in the bouncy mosque.

Everyone was laughing at me, you know.

You made me look like a complete idiot.

-I'm not used to that.

-Really?(!)

LAUGHTER

You've seen me now. I'm alive. You can go.

Don't you want to talk or anything?

You don't want to talk to me.

Yes, I do. I don't mind talking.

Really? About what?

Anything.

ANYTHING at all.

-OK...

-Mm.

-So, I think maybe I'm bisexual.

LAUGHTER

Same here. I'm bisexual too.

You're bisexual?

Yes. Twice a year.

Regular as clockwork.

That's not what bisexual means.

Isn't it?

Bisexual means you're attracted to both sexes.

Oh, that's great. I'm glad we had this chat.

See? I knew it!

No-one's interested in me. I'm just an inconvenience, an embarrassment.

-And I didn't even want to...

-Shhh. No, you're not.

Salaam alaikum.

LAUGHTER

It's fine.

I get it. No-one wants to be around me.

-Of course they do.

-Really?

-My mum doesn't want me.

-Yes, she does.

She's just misunderstood, like me.

I'm always being misunderstood.

It's a Khan family trait.

-I don't understand.

-See?

LAUGHTER

My whole life, she's never been interested in me.

She just swans off to Pakistan for months at a time

and palms me off on the neighbours.

Obviously, I'm so unbearable that

no-one would ever want to spend any time with me,

unless they're being paid for it.

That's not true.

I want to spend time with you.

Are you being paid?

Maybe.

Just go.

I'm not your responsibility.

But you're family.

I don't have a family.

Yes, you do.

We're your family.

We care about you very much.

Ever since you were a little girl.

When you lost me?

When I found you again.

At the lost property office at Swansea Station?

I came back for you, didn't I?

Like I did today.

I'll always come and find you.

Now, come on. Why don't you come home, ah?

Naani's making some food.

I mean, it won't be very nice,

but it'll cheer her up if we eat it,

and she needs cheering up because she'll be dead soon.

LAUGHTER

-OK.

-Good girl. Done.

Are you sure the rest of the family won't mind?

-I mean, I said some pretty mean things.

-Don't be silly.

The Khan family motto?

Forgive and forget. Ah? Chalo.

Thank you.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Here we are, one big, happy family.

I'm happy because I got to meet Baroness Warsi.

Shazia's happy because she got to do her boring women's speech. He-he!

And Mrs Khan's happy because she's got someone else to shout at.

And Naani's happy because she's not dead.

LAUGHTER

What about me, papa-ji?

I came home to see you, and I found HER in my room.

Alia, you came home

to get your washing done and ask me for some money.

Oh, yeah. Can I have some money?

LAUGHTER

Some things don't change, ah? Here you are.

And one for you.

Thank you. Because you're a member of the family now too, ah?

-Oh, thank you, Uncle.

-Hey, and you know the best thing?

She uploaded my brilliant speech up onto my boob-tube channel.

The mosque committee will definitely make me chairman

when they see this.

ON COMPUTER: 'Lady Baron.

# 'I am the Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse...

# 'I am the Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse,

# 'I am the Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse...' #

THEY LAUGH

Oh, twaddi!