It's a Khanderful Life Citizen Khan


It's a Khanderful Life

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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,

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the capital of British Pakistan.

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They all know me.

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Do you like my suit?

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Number one, Citizen Khan.

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Once upon a Christmas time in Sparkhill...

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..there lived a young Pakistani man named Mr Khan.

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As well as being handsome

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and frequently mistaken for George Clooneys,

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Mr Khan was a cheerful sort of fellow.

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But this particular Christmas, he was feeling a bit down in the dumps.

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-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

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Merry Christmas!

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Merry Christmas, Mr Khan!

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I'm not a community leader and nobody knows me.

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Hm, there's something not right with Mr Khan.

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-Mr Khan?

-Yes.

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-You know, beard, glasses...

-BLUE STAR HOIKS

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Oh, Mr Khan.

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So what do you think is wrong with him, then?

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Well, if you ask me,

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it all goes back to when he first moved to Sparkhill.

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The year was 1989,

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when Band Aid were top of the Christmas charts again.

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A flight to Pakistan cost only £149.

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£199 if you wanted an actual seat.

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And the world was Mr Khan's oyster.

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Hello, Keith!

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Hang on...

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You'll like this.

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Salman, I like him, Mr Khan.

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-What?

-Salman, I like him.

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Salman who? Salman Rushdie?

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No. No.

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-Isn't that what you Muslims say?

-No.

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-What do you say, then?

-I need a briefcase, Keith.

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Oh, right.

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No. I don't plan on staying in Sparkhill for ever.

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Oh, no.

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I've got big dreams, ambitions.

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I'm going to be somebody, like Robert Maxwell.

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Whatever he can do, I can do, too, eh?

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What about this, Mr Khan?

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It's got a vinyl finish, lots of space for important documents.

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No, no, no, no.

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I need something that says I'm a proper businessman,

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a mover, a shaker, huh?

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I'm Mr Khan, they'll all know me.

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How about this?

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Executive briefcase,

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genuine leather, combination locks, brass finish.

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Not bad, huh?

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-How much?

-No charge.

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I can't afford that! Hang on...

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What did you say?

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Call it a wedding present.

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Ha-ha! Thank you, Keith!

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Oh, yes.

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I'll get my name on it, huh, in gold letters.

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That is extra.

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Very generous of you, Keithy.

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I suppose, now you're married, Mrs Khan will want a place of her own?

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Oh, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith...

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I promised her father I'll keep her safe and warm

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with a roof over her head.

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You get all that in a flat above a chip shop.

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Ah, no mortgage, no ties.

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Apart from this one, hey?

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I still can't believe we own our own home.

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Yes, I'll do all the DIYs, huh?

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Make this a home.

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Our home.

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Ah, just the two of us.

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Erm...

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-The three of us.

-Hey?

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Toilet not work.

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Oh, I'd forgotten about you.

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Ha!

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Oh, and I have another bit of news I need to tell you.

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-Oh, me, too!

-Welcome, Mr Khan.

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-Welcome, Riaz.

-Ready?

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In a minute. Mrs Khan has got something to tell me.

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You go first.

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Well, Riaz as has given me a tip-off

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that Mr Javed is looking for investors for his new business.

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He's going into the mobile phone business.

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What's a mobile phone?

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I don't know.

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Where's my briefcase?

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Ah-ha!

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Here we go.

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HE CHUCKLES

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-How do I look?

-Like a proper businessman.

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-Wish me luck.

-Good luck.

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Oh, no, no. Hang on...

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-What was your news?

-I'll tell you later.

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-No, just tell me now, sweetie.

-OK.

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I'm going to have a baby.

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Ah, ha-ha-ha!

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That's wonderful, wonderful, wonderful news!

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Oh, no. Hold on.

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You need to have something to eat. Have you eaten? Sit down.

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-Oh, no, you can't sit on there, but...

-I'm fine!

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Mr Khan, we should go.

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Riaz, I am going to be a daddy.

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Congratulations. But the Mr Javed.

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Forget Mr Javed.

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I need to make this house a palace fit for my family.

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Nine months later, Mr Khan's dream house was taking shape.

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Even if his business career, just like Robert Maxwell's,

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was about to sink.

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So what's this meeting you've got, then?

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I'm about to be a founder member

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of the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association.

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Wow, you're going to be like one of them yuppies.

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Better than that, Keithy.

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I'm going to be a Pakistani yuppie.

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A "puppie"!

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-Very impressive.

-I'm on my way, Keith.

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Nothing and no-one can stop me now.

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Oh...!

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-Hospital.

-Oh...!

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Are you OK?

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Once again, our handsome young business mogul

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had his plans thwarted.

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How would Britain cope without this man's genius?

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But thankfully, four years later, opportunity knocked again...

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-Thanks for taking me to the bus station, Riaz.

-No problem.

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I'm going to try and get a meeting with Mr Alan Sugars.

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-Never heard of him.

-He makes rubbish computers.

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The school just called.

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Shazia has got her head stuck in the climbing frame.

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And Naani ate beetroot.

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Need hospital. Too much gas.

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And I'm pregnant again.

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Come on. Come on, here we go.

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And so, the handsome Mr Khan soldiered on

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until Christmas Eve, 2016.

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When fate, in the unlikely form of Ginger Dave,

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presented him with one more chance.

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Merry Christmas, Riaz!

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Wa'alaikum salaam.

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I said, Merry Christmas!

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-For the community centre.

-Oh...

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Oh, the penny drops.

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Riaz, when I said the penny drops, I didn't literally mean a penny.

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-I need the coins for the electric meter.

-Oh, no, you don't. Look...

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Heh-hey...!

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Oh.

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Ah-ah-ah-ah.

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COINS RATTLE

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-Thank you.

-What are you collecting for?

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Who cares? Something to do with the community centre.

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New car park, new roof, I don't know.

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-I didn't know we needed a new roof.

-We don't.

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Your eyebrows are moving up and down.

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That's because I'm trying to tell you something

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-of a slightly sensitive nature.

-Oh.

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Listen, Riaz, if I can raise enough money for this place,

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-they'll have to name it after me.

-Oh, that again.

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Yes, that again.

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Why shouldn't it be named after me?

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Nowadays, all buildings are named after someone.

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You've got the Burj Khalifa, named after President Khalifa.

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St Paul's Cathedral, named after St Paul.

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And Windsor Castle, named after...Barbara Windsor.

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Hello, Mr Khan.

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Oh, hello, Dave.

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Are you going to help me with my fundraising?

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Get the community centre a new name...new roof!

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I'd love to help, but I'm very busy.

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We're using the community centre as a shelter for refugees

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over the Christmas period.

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We've got a cross-faith committee

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led by a rabbi, a priest and an imam.

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Is this some kind of joke?

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What's a rabbi doing here?

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We don't have anything in common with these people, Dave.

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Apart from snippy-snipping.

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This is charity in action, Mr Khan.

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Surely, as a fundraiser, you're in favour of helping refugees.

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Of course.

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I think it's very important that we welcome in

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the sad, the desperate and the disadvantaged.

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We welcomed you, didn't we?

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Anyway, everyone knows you're only raising money

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so you can get the community centre named after you.

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Whereas I am not doing this for personal recognition.

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But because, well, as a Muslim, it's my duty to help those in need.

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MOCKINGLY: "As a Muslim, it's my duty to help those in need."

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Although, as it turns out,

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-I am going to be getting some recognition, too.

-What?

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Our community centre has been recognised by the Queen.

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I'm going to a special Christmas dinner at Buckingham Palace tomorrow

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to receive an award.

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The Queen?!

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Buckingham Palace?!

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An award?!

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An award... What for?

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Outstanding services to the community.

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Outstanding services to the community?!

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-Yes.

-But...

-Yes?

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-But...

-But what?

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But that's me!

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Mr Khan, I'm community leader, they all know me.

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Mr Khan...

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Has this got anything to do with Prince Harry?

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Mr Khan...

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I bet it is Prince Harry.

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This is a ginger crony conspiracy!

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Mr Khan...

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I'll tell you what, this is nothing short of an absolute outrage!

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-Mr Khan!

-What?

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You're invited, too.

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What a wonderful gesture.

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Merry Christmas.

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And a happy Hanukkah-schmonikka to you, too.

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Then the Queen will say,

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"How do you do, Mr Khan?"

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Then I'll say, "How do you do, Your Majesty?"

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Make sure you get a selfie, then I can put it on Instagram.

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and then shell get tagged by William and Kate

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and then, like, I'll be friends with them.

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Ah, sweetie,

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the Queen doesn't do "selfies".

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She does "onesies".

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Imagine, the Queen and me in a onesie together.

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-Now, that would be something, wouldn't it?

-It really would.

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Now, I need to create a good impression. Where's my briefcase?

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-There you are.

-Oh, hello, darling. Have you seen my briefcase?

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Well, never mind about that. You have to go and buy biscuits.

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Shazia's brought the children round and we've run out.

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-We've got lots of biscuits.

-Someone ate them all.

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I'm sorry.

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I didn't realise you rationed them.

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I was considering issuing ration books,

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but I thought you'd probably eat those, too!

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-Just go.

-All right, I'll go in a minute.

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I need to find my briefcase first.

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-And I need you to help me with the Christmas dinner tomorrow.

-Yes, OK.

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And at some point, you have to go over to Mrs Malik's house

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-and unblock her sink.

-I've got a large accumulation of fat.

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You're not kidding.

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Sweetie, you don't understand.

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You still haven't put up the Christmas lights

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and I've been asking you to do it for days.

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But I got my hands full already.

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Dad, Amjad's off to work and I need to feed Little Mo.

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-Can you change Nadia's nappy?

-Oh, twadi!

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Is this your briefcase, sir?

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No!

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This is Grandpa's special case!

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You mustn't stop him, Dad. You'll stifle his creativity.

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Well done, Mo. Good boy.

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What do you need that old briefcase for, anyway?

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It's what I've been trying to tell you.

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I've got a special dinner in London tomorrow.

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I don't care if you're having dinner with the Queen of England

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in Buckingham Palace.

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Well, it's funny you should say that...

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Tomorrow is Christmas Day and we need you here.

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-But the community centre is getting an award.

-So what?

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So what?!

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I've been waiting for this moment for the past 30 years.

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-Well, you can't go.

-But...

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Stop.

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It's Christmas Day and you need to be here with your family

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and that's that.

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Right!

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Fine!

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I'll change the crappy nappy!

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Then I'll put the Boxing Christmas lights up!

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And then I'll shove my hand up Mrs Malik's U-bend!

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Because that's all I'm good for.

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All the little jobs.

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I'm not a big shot.

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I'm not a businessman.

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I'm not even a community leader!

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I'm just a nobody!

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Toilet not working.

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Poor Mr Khan.

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Instead of going to Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen,

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with his executive briefcase,

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he had to go to Mr Ali's Cash And Carry to buy a plunger.

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'Proper businessman...

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'Who was I kidding?'

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'Stupid briefcase!

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'I'll never need that ever again.'

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Oh, twadi!

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Oh, help!

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Help! Oh, God!

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No!

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Argh!

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There we are.

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All safe and sound.

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If you're after my wallet, you're wasting your time.

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I threw it in the canal.

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Along with my house keys and my mobile blooming phone.

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Of course I'm not.

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Do I look like a mugger?

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A chugger, then. You're all after money.

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Don't be such a silly, Mr Khan.

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You know who I am?

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Of course I do. You're my mission.

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I was sent by a higher power to help you.

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Oh, not Reverend Green, who knocks on our door every Christmas!

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Higher than that.

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Look, Mrs... Whoever you are.

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Well, I suppose you could call me...

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Angel-a.

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Right.

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Or Angel-ena.

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Or Angel-ica.

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I'm saying...

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I'm an angel.

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You know, from heaven.

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OK.

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Obviously, I'm not actually an angel.

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Obviously.

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I mean, I haven't got my wings yet.

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Well, it's been lovely chitty-chatting, but I have to go.

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No! Don't do it.

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-You've got so much to live for.

-What?

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-You were going to jump in the canal.

-No, I wasn't.

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I'm trying to get my briefcase back.

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But I might as well jump into the canal. What difference does it make?

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Oh, how can you say that?

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Every life has meaning.

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Not mine. I wanted to be somebody.

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"Mr Khan, they all know me."

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I was just kidding myself.

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I'm a nobody.

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I should never have moved to Sparkhill.

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What if you never did?

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What?

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I'm going to show you what Sparkhill would be like without you.

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SHE CHANTS

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SHE ULULATES

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And they say Muslims are weird.

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-Well, what do you think?

-About what?

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Sparkhill, as it would be if you'd never moved here.

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-Right, you do realise it's all the same.

-Is it?

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-Yes.

-Is it, though?

-Yes, it is, though.

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Hang on, where is Tasty Fried Chicken?

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Ah-ha, you see?

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Without you here, they've gone out of business.

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Sparkhill without a chicken shop, has the world gone mad?

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And look over there.

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-That should be Mr Ali's Cash And Carry.

-He's gone, too.

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But what about my cheap toilet rolls?

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Without the amount you buy, he's gone out of business, as well.

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What's going on? Is this some kind of trick?

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I told you, this is a version of Sparkhill where you never existed.

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Riaz!

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It's me. Your old friend, Mr Khan.

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What are you doing? Muslims don't drink!

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I lost my faith a long time ago.

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But you're the funeral director at the mosque.

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Wow...

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That's what I should have done. Where were you 25 years ago?

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Right, just stop messing around, huh,

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and just tell this crazy woman that you know me.

0:18:100:18:12

-I've never met you before in my life.

-Has she paid you to do this?

0:18:140:18:17

-Stop lying!

-Keep back!

0:18:170:18:19

I wear Hai Karate.

0:18:190:18:21

Riaz!

0:18:220:18:24

I realise it's a lot for you to take in.

0:18:290:18:32

This can't be real. This is just a dream.

0:18:320:18:34

Do I look like a dream to you?

0:18:340:18:36

Ow!

0:18:380:18:39

-So you're really an angel?

-Angel-in-waiting.

0:18:390:18:42

But why did they send you to me? You do know I'm Muslim?

0:18:420:18:45

Oh, that's OK.

0:18:450:18:46

We're all mixed up together up there - Christians, Muslims, Jews.

0:18:460:18:51

Turns out we were all right.

0:18:510:18:53

-What about the Hindus?

-Ah, no, I'm afraid not.

0:18:530:18:56

I knew it!

0:18:560:18:58

We're just one big, happy family.

0:19:000:19:02

We do each other's festivals and everything.

0:19:020:19:05

Christmas, Eid, Rosh Hashana...

0:19:050:19:08

How's that working out for you?

0:19:080:19:10

Ramadan's pretty tough.

0:19:100:19:12

Now, close your eyes. There's one more thing I want you to see.

0:19:130:19:16

-But this is just a community centre.

-Is it, though?

0:19:160:19:18

Yes, it is, though!

0:19:180:19:20

You can open them now.

0:19:240:19:26

What do you think?

0:19:280:19:29

Is this...

0:19:290:19:30

..heaven?

0:19:310:19:32

No, it's a pound shop.

0:19:330:19:35

It looks like heaven to me!

0:19:350:19:37

Trust me, heaven's nothing like this.

0:19:370:19:40

So what happened to the community centre?

0:19:400:19:43

Without you, Mr Khan, there is no community centre.

0:19:430:19:46

What?

0:19:460:19:47

Well, for 25 years, you were the one constant in that place.

0:19:470:19:51

Mosque managers, caretakers, they all came and went.

0:19:510:19:55

But you were always there.

0:19:550:19:57

Well, I am the only one who knows how to fiddle the electric meter.

0:19:580:20:01

You kept that place going.

0:20:010:20:03

And they still never named the place after me.

0:20:030:20:05

But without you, it didn't survive.

0:20:050:20:08

It was bought up by some greedy businessman.

0:20:080:20:11

Oi, you two, buy something or clear off.

0:20:110:20:14

Ha-ha, hello, Dave!

0:20:140:20:15

It is Dave, isn't it?

0:20:150:20:17

That's right. Dave Prentice. This is my shop.

0:20:170:20:20

Ha! Are you the greedy businessman?

0:20:200:20:22

Yes.

0:20:230:20:24

Ginger Dave!

0:20:240:20:26

Are you taking the ginger biscuit?

0:20:260:20:29

I find that term offensive.

0:20:300:20:32

Chill-ax, Davey. It's just a bit of banter between friends.

0:20:320:20:36

I'm not your friend.

0:20:360:20:38

Keith!

0:20:380:20:40

Oh, Keithy! My next door neighbour.

0:20:410:20:44

AS KEITH: Salman I like him, Mr Khan.

0:20:450:20:47

Sorry?

0:20:470:20:49

We're not neighbours.

0:20:490:20:51

The house next door to me has been left to rot for 25 years.

0:20:510:20:55

How dare you? Anyway, you're the one who put the wallpaper up.

0:20:550:20:59

Buy something or clear off.

0:20:590:21:01

Keith!

0:21:020:21:03

Excuse me, sir. How much is this?

0:21:060:21:09

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:21:110:21:13

One pound.

0:21:130:21:14

Oh...!

0:21:140:21:15

Erm, what about this?

0:21:170:21:19

That's one pound, too.

0:21:190:21:21

Everything's a pound. It's a pound shop.

0:21:210:21:24

I never thought of that. Thank you, sir.

0:21:250:21:27

That's OK, Amjad.

0:21:270:21:29

At least you know who I am.

0:21:290:21:31

No, I...I did think I do.

0:21:310:21:33

Yes, you do. You just call me sir. You always call me sir.

0:21:330:21:37

Mummy says it's polite to call people sir.

0:21:370:21:39

Amjad, hurry up. We can't be seen in here.

0:21:390:21:43

Let's go before anyone recognises us.

0:21:430:21:46

I see you haven't changed. You're still the same, huh.

0:21:460:21:49

Amjad's not the same, though.

0:21:520:21:55

He looked up to you.

0:21:550:21:56

Now he's stuck at home with his mother.

0:21:560:21:59

He'll survive. They all will.

0:21:590:22:01

Hello, sweetie.

0:22:050:22:06

Oh...

0:22:070:22:09

-Hello.

-So you know who I am?

0:22:090:22:11

Of course I know who you are. We were married, weren't we?

0:22:110:22:15

Were?

0:22:150:22:16

-Well, it was 25 years ago.

-I know. It was the happiest day of my life.

0:22:160:22:20

Oh, mine, too.

0:22:200:22:22

And then you got a briefcase and became a proper businessman.

0:22:220:22:27

I always wanted to be a proper businessman.

0:22:270:22:29

And then you went off on your business trips

0:22:290:22:31

and stayed away for weeks in five-star hotels.

0:22:310:22:33

These five-star hotels,

0:22:350:22:36

did they have infinity pools and executive suites?

0:22:360:22:40

Idiot!

0:22:400:22:41

-And then one day you never came back.

-What?

0:22:410:22:44

And that was the end of it. Since then, it's just been me and my mum.

0:22:440:22:47

-But what about our children?

-What children?

0:22:470:22:49

-Alia and Shazia.

-Who?

0:22:490:22:52

Don't you see, Mr Khan?

0:22:520:22:54

They never existed.

0:22:540:22:56

Oh, it can't be.

0:22:560:22:58

And we had grandchildren, too.

0:22:590:23:01

Little Mo and Baby Nadia.

0:23:010:23:03

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Sweetie, tell me...

0:23:030:23:06

Tell me this isn't real.

0:23:060:23:07

Tell me you're still my little gulab jamun.

0:23:070:23:10

Stay away from me.

0:23:100:23:11

You made your choice. You left me and you left Sparkhill.

0:23:110:23:15

Come on, Mum.

0:23:150:23:17

No... Wait!

0:23:170:23:19

Come back!

0:23:200:23:21

Come back!

0:23:210:23:23

I want to live in Sparkhill!

0:23:240:23:26

I want to live in Sparkhill!

0:23:260:23:29

I want to live in Sparkhill! I want to live in Sparkhill!

0:23:290:23:33

-Mr Khan...

-I want to live in Sparkhill!

0:23:330:23:34

Mr Khan... Are you OK?

0:23:340:23:36

Riaz?

0:23:360:23:38

-I fished this out of the canal.

-Have you seen a woman, about this tall?

0:23:390:23:43

Hang on...you know my name.

0:23:440:23:46

You're Mr Khan. They all know do.

0:23:460:23:48

And this is Sparkhill?

0:23:480:23:50

Sparkhill with a chicken shop and a community centre

0:23:500:23:53

-and a cash-and-carry?

-Yes.

0:23:530:23:55

And Mrs Khan...

0:23:550:23:57

and Alia

0:23:570:23:59

and the other one?

0:23:590:24:00

Yes.

0:24:000:24:01

And you're a big, fat Muslim undertaker?

0:24:010:24:06

-OK.

-Oh, Riaz.

0:24:060:24:07

Don't take this the wrong way...

0:24:070:24:10

..but I love you!

0:24:110:24:13

Sparkhill!

0:24:170:24:19

Yeah!

0:24:190:24:20

Hello, Sparkhill!

0:24:200:24:22

Merry Christmas, Mr Ali's Cash-And-Carry!

0:24:240:24:27

Woohoo!

0:24:270:24:29

Merry Christmas, my Pakistani people!

0:24:290:24:32

Woohoo!

0:24:330:24:35

Merry Christmas, Tasty Fried Chicken!

0:24:350:24:38

Make mine a bargain bucket and six extra hot wings!

0:24:380:24:43

Whoa!

0:24:440:24:45

Argh!

0:24:450:24:46

Watch it!

0:24:480:24:50

Merry Christmas, everyone!

0:24:530:24:56

I should have let him go and get his silly award.

0:25:020:25:04

What if he's done something stupid?

0:25:040:25:06

If he's not coming back, can I have his chair?

0:25:060:25:10

-Is that all you can think of?

-No, you're right.

0:25:110:25:14

Can I had his footstool, too?

0:25:140:25:16

I'm back!

0:25:160:25:18

Oh, buggers!

0:25:180:25:20

Where have you been? We've all been so worried.

0:25:200:25:22

Well, some of us have.

0:25:220:25:24

I've been...getting Christmas presents.

0:25:240:25:27

You stupid, stupid man!

0:25:270:25:29

How could you go off like that? We called and called.

0:25:290:25:32

What on earth were you thinking of? Why...?

0:25:320:25:34

Oh!

0:25:340:25:35

Well, I think that covers everything.

0:25:410:25:44

I'm so glad to be back...

0:25:450:25:47

..with all my family.

0:25:480:25:50

My lovely, beautiful daughter Alia.

0:25:500:25:53

And other daughter...Shazia.

0:25:550:25:58

Also lovely and beautiful.

0:25:580:26:00

And Amjad's here, too.

0:26:020:26:04

I love you all.

0:26:050:26:08

And I wouldn't change a thing about any of you.

0:26:080:26:11

-Shall I cook us something?

-No, thank you.

0:26:110:26:14

DOORBELL RINGS

0:26:140:26:16

Who's that?

0:26:160:26:17

-I ordered us a Tasty Fried Chicken for us on the way home.

-Yeah!

0:26:170:26:22

I come bearing wings!

0:26:220:26:24

What an angel.

0:26:250:26:27

Here you are.

0:26:320:26:34

-Now, give me a nappy to change.

-You don't have to do that.

0:26:340:26:36

No, but I want to.

0:26:360:26:38

I love poop.

0:26:380:26:39

Lovely, lovely poopy!

0:26:390:26:42

He's just doing all this so he can go to Buckingham Palace tomorrow.

0:26:420:26:46

No, I'm not, you great big biscuit barrel!

0:26:460:26:48

There's only one palace I want to be in.

0:26:510:26:54

And I'm standing in it right now,

0:26:540:26:56

right here, in Sparkhill.

0:26:560:26:58

And so our story ends happily for Mr Khan,

0:27:000:27:03

who spent another lovely poopy Christmas with his family.

0:27:030:27:08

You know, this is the best Christmas ever.

0:27:090:27:12

I've learned...

0:27:130:27:15

that people you love are all that matters.

0:27:150:27:19

And in our own small way...

0:27:190:27:21

we can all make a difference in this world.

0:27:210:27:25

-Isn't that right?

-A doggy!

0:27:250:27:28

Exactly.

0:27:300:27:32

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