Josh Comedy Feeds

Fresh, experimental comedy from BBC Three.

-Right. Over here...

-I lived here two years ago, Geoff, we did this then.

-Yes, but this little baby is brand new.

-Ooh, a tumble dryer?

It will shrink your clothes.

Then why have you got it?

Tenants! Never satisfied.

There was a previous guy who kept moaning about how people

can see you on the toilet from the street!

I've never had a problem when I'm in there.

If anything, people actively look away.

But he wouldn't let it go. Moan, moan, moan.

-That was you, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

-Do you still want me to get it sorted?

-Yeah, if you could.

-Or you could sit round the other way!

-I'm not going to

ride the toilet like a jockey!

Fine. I'll get it sorted.

Right. Next up, why there isn't a garage.

Coat stand. Can't support a duffel.

Very modern.

That's not how I sleep.

You've had a bed delivered that doesn't fit through the door.

It's all coming back now. Moan, moan, moan.

Fine. I'll be back later in the week, we'll whip those legs off.

Whilst you're at it, can you fix the lights as well?

They've stopped working again.

I know! That's why I gave you all lava lamps.

I can't read by lava lamp. I'm not Pink Floyd.

Look, try the light switch, it isn't working.

Yes, it is.

OK, the LIGHT isn't working. I'm not just in it for the clicking.

Have you tried clapping?

Have we got one of those?

No, you haven't got one of those.

Look, Geoff, I need lighting options.

I don't want to brag, but I've just texted a guy,

and I am pretty confident that, after a few dates,

he may want to come back here and sleep in my bed.

With me in it.

I understand.

Playa.

So, how are things going with your fiance?

Oh! Back on the dating scene?

Young man, on the Facebook, I expect you get loads of action.

You know me, Geoff, always on the lookout.

Yeah, like the old days!

The boys, and the girl, are back!

You three ever want to make it a foursome, I'm up for hanging out.

So...next on the tour... the burglar alarm!

Quite simple - the code is my birthday.

I don't know your birthday. You're my landlord.

If it helps, it's one month to the day

after Rachel Stevens released Sweet Dreams My LA Ex.

That would barely help Rachel Stevens.

Right. 1-5-1-0.

And now, we leave the house calmly.

-Go on.

-I think I can do it on the night!

Practice makes perfect! Come on, everyone, chop chop!

And you!

Calmly!

Just turning the light off.

Oh, sticky door - that's on the list, don't worry.

Thank you very much. Out we go.

One at a time. Bit quicker than that next time.

Well done, team. All present.

Now, who's got the key?

MUSIC PLAYS

She looks dead! I'd forgotten she could fall asleep like that.

Yeah. Do you remember this?

PHONE PINGS

SHE GASPS

Knob.

See, I've missed this! Night one of the guys back together!

Wonderful(!)

Somebody's in a bad mood.

-No I'm not.

-Still no text?

-No.

-Aww.

He must find you very plain.

It's not that he hasn't replied, it's this bloody thing.

He's been drafting a text for over a day.

I can see you writing. Press send, you prick!

Yeah, I miss when I was a teenager and had a Nokia

and never knew if anyone was texting me.

I've seen pictures of you as a teenager -

-no-one was texting you.

-Yes, they were!

-Still the dots!

I need to de-stress. I'm going to Zumba.

Oh, what? Oh come on, Kate.

Oh, well, lads' night it is.

Ahhh.

Yeah, about that - listen, um...

-I have a date.

-Oh, come on.

-Sorry, mate, it's been in the diary for ages.

-Who is she?

I met her in the shop this morning.

We grabbed the same melon, and the rest, as they say, is history.

So we'll do something tomorrow night. I promise.

-What am I meant to do tonight?

-I dunno. Go to the pub?

-I'm not going to the pub on my own.

-Well, hang out here, then.

Geoff's coming round to look at the boiler, you can chat to him.

-Pint of ale, please.

-Yeah, no worries.

Kitchen's closed, sorry.

Oh, no, I'm not hungry, I just like to read things

to pass the time. It's like when you're on the toilet.

The things I could tell you about Toilet Duck.

Did you know it's safer to eat you dinner off my toilet seat

than it is off a kitchen plate?

Why are you telling me this?

I...don't know.

Thank you.

Drinking alone?

No, I'm not "drinking alone".

-Well, you are.

-No, I had to get out of the house.

My annoying landlord is coming around.

My mate should be here, but he's seeing some girl

he met at the greengrocer's.

At least he had a good, definitely not made up, excuse.

And is he your only friend?

No, I've got loads of friends.

There's Kate, but she's de-stressing at Zumba, and...

-MESSAGE ALERT

-See?

Dominos.

Yeah. Old...Dave Dominos. We play dominoes together.

You play dominoes?

Yep.

With a man called Dave Dominos?

-Yep.

-And you do this so often

that you just saved his name as "Dominos" in your phone?

Yeah.

You're not one of those lone weirdos you read about in the news?

Don't take this the wrong way,

but have you ever killed a prostitute in a lay-by?

It was more of a slip road, actually.

Yeah, you don't know her well enough to suggest you killed a prostitute.

She definitely thinks I'm a psycho.

Still drafting?! Who drafts a text for almost 48 hours?!

-Well, you do.

-Yes, but I know that you draft in notes

and then copy it in. Everyone knows that.

Look, I drafted and redrafted when I texted him.

"Fancy a drink?" became "Fancy a tipple?"

which became "Tipple time?" which became "Two flagons, barkeep?"

which went back to "Tipple time?"

which became "Don't want to WINE, but would a drink be unBEERable?"

Oh, dear God, please tell me you went with that one.

No, I just went with "Fancy a cheeky shandy?"

That sounds like you're offering to wank him off.

In which case, why hasn't he replied?

I mean, we are so similar -

we both like baking, we both like dubstep.

-You don't like dubstep.

-Yes I do.

-Really?

Cos according to Spotify you listen to wall-to-wall movie soundtracks.

What's your favourite dubstep album - Patch Adams or Les Miserables?

-Why were you on my computer?

-I wasn't.

-Spotify lists what your friends are listening to.

-Really?!

Oh, dear God, can't I do anything

without people finding out what I'm actually like?

Sorry about last night, mate.

Hope it was worth it.

It was all right, if you like

intensely passionate one-night stands.

My zinc levels are a bit depleted.

But she wasn't worth standing up my mate for.

-So tonight we've got big plans.

-At last! Here we go.

I thought as it's Tuesday we could go to the local for the pub quiz!

-Not an option.

-Why not?

-They think he murders prostitutes.

You can't just not go somewhere because they think

you murder prostitutes - you'd never go anywhere.

Also, Kate and me will be there.

We clearly don't do that sort of thing.

Are you mad? They won't let me have my phone on at the pub quiz

and I'm waiting for the text.

And now I've got to stay in and reinvent myself on Spotify.

It's just us two, then - the boys are back.

-Did I tell you about the time I saw Finlay Quaye in Wagamama's?

-No.

-He asked for black pepper.

-What, on noodles?

-Yeah!

They didn't have any, they had to borrow it from Strada next door.

-Oh, my God.

-He really wanted it.

Did you know that I didn't try black pepper until I was 21?

-Really?

-Yeah! I need to go to the shop to top up my Pay As You Go.

-Get me a port?

-A port?

-Yeah.

-Now?

-Considering it's the present day?

-Yeah!

I like the wine gum so I thought I'd try it.

Also, trust me, girls love a fortified wine.

Oh, hello.

A pint for me,

and a port for my friend who is about to arrive.

Port?! Who's your friend? Isambard Kingdom Brunel?

Where are you? The quiz is starting in three minutes.

What do you mean you bumped into her again? Where?

In the greengrocer's?

Are you having sex with a greengrocer?

Are you having sex with a green grocer?

You're having sex with a greengrocer, incredible.

Well, when are you going to get here?

Oh, you're kidding... a replacement?

Right, quiz bud, let's get you in the zone.

Which band featured the vocal talents of Rachel Stevens?

I'm going to have to press you.

Tick-tick-tick-tick...

Geoff? Can we just have a normal conversation, like normal people?

OK. OK.

So, you're not getting married, then?

Did she find someone else?

Because you couldn't satisfy her?

-Shall we go back to the trivia?

-Excellent. Who released the single

-'Sweet Dreams My LA Ex'?

-Rachel Stevens?

Yes! And when was it released? Think of my birthday.

-Work back!

-I have no idea.

Are you a quizzer or not?

I don't want to be paired with a dead weight.

Right, last chance.

Who came second in the sixth series of Strictly Come Dancing?

Geoff, do you have any questions that aren't about Rachel Stevens?

Right, I quit!

You can't quit, we haven't even started.

I'm forming a subteam.

-On your own?

-Yes, I'm going solo.

You can't go solo, Geoff, we're not Wham!

-Or Rachel Stevens.

-Stop talking about Rachel Stevens!

Lovers' tiff?

I'm not gay. I'm his landlord.

I would've assumed accomplice.

We're both straight. I mean he used to have girlfriend, until, well...

-Leave it, Geoff.

-You could be next.

-Geoff, stop!

-Just saying, she could be.

-Shut up, Geoff!

-What do you mean, I could be next?

-Well, he's always on the lookout.

No, no, no, not like that!

What if there's a murder in the area? I'm now the prime suspect.

I am the local weirdo.

I do wish I could disagree with you.

This is your fault! I can't believe you stood me up.

I'm sorry, but as I said, something very important came up.

You were fucking the greengrocer!

Yes. I forgot you knew that. Sorry. Won't happen again, I promise.

Orange?

Did she give you free oranges?

-Yeah!

-You do realise that makes you a prostitute?

You're not going to kill me, are you?

I can't be around any more of that music.

It's like sharing a room with Oxide & Neutrino.

They're not cool any more.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I meant...Ms Dynamite-tee-hee?

And she's not called Ms Dynamite-tee-hee.

-MESSAGE ALERT

-Finally! Smoked him out of his hole.

I knew he liked me! God, he's lovely.

I'm too nervous, you read it.

I don't want to.

No, go on.

I was - that's what he's written.

What?!

48 hours for that?!

Procrastinating little shit!

I've hardly slept.

I've listened to anything but bloody Phats & Smalls

in case he was watching my Spotify.

I hate to split hairs, but I think Smalls is singular.

OK, OK. No, it's fine -

obviously he's going to send an explanation.

Does my phone say "some text missing"?

No phone has said that in the last decade.

Maybe he sent it too soon - we've all done that!

"I don't want to...miss this opportunity"!

"I don't want to...spend another second away from you"!

-"I don't want to..."

-Not sleep with other women?

He must be sending an explanation.

Are the dots there?

The dots aren't there.

Where are the dots?

I liked the dots.

I miss the dots.

-Do you want an orange?

-No, I don't want an orange.

Come on, Kate, it could be worse.

I mean, apparently I kill prostitutes.

Owen sells his body for fruit.

Guilty as charged.

I need a drink. Let's go to the pub.

No can do. I'll go to the shop.

CLATTER

Hello?

Hello, who is that?

I can see your hair.

Oh, hello!

Oh, God, what were you doing by my bin? Were you watching me?

No, no, no! I live in this block as well.

I was just, um, doing the recycling.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah!

Look, I'm not a weirdo.

I'm a normal guy, I live in a normal flat,

with normal people, where we do normal things. Normally.

Not as in "sometimes we do weird shit." Is this helping?

Not really.

Come in for a drink. You can meet my flatmates!

I'll get in there and it'll be your dead mother in a dress.

No, no, she's naked. I've made it weird again.

Look, come in, have a drink. Please?

KEY TURNS IN LOCK

Come on in. Here we are. Welcome to my humble abode.

CLICKS LIGHT SWITCH

Don't worry about that, bit temperamental.

-CLAPS

-Yeah, definitely on the blink.

-OK...

-Hello? Guys?

-MESSAGE ALERT

"Gone to greengrocer's"?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Where are your flatmates?

No, don't worry, we're not alone.

-What's wrong with her?

-She's not dead!

Look, I don't know what's going on, but I'm just going to go.

No, no, there's nothing wrong!

-Why won't this open?

-Don't worry, it's just a sticky door!

Right! Let's get those legs off.

SHE SCREAMS

MUSIC: "Sweet Dreams My LA Ex" by Rachel Stevens

# If I were in your shoes I'd whisper before I shout

# Can't you stop playing that record again

# Find somebody else to talk about?

# If I were in your shoes

# I'd worry of the effects

# You've had your say... #

Oh, my God!

# ..You've had your say but now it's my turn

# Sweet dreams my LA ex

# We've had it on full steam

# Till the light comes back to you now

# Hey, is it all it seems

# Is it all you dreamed and more?

# What planet are you from?

# Accuse me of things that I never done

# Listen to you carrying on... #