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Fresh, experimental comedy from BBC Three.

0:00:020:00:05

-Right. Over here...

-I lived here two years ago, Geoff, we did this then.

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-Yes, but this little baby is brand new.

-Ooh, a tumble dryer?

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It will shrink your clothes.

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Then why have you got it?

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Tenants! Never satisfied.

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There was a previous guy who kept moaning about how people

0:00:200:00:22

can see you on the toilet from the street!

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I've never had a problem when I'm in there.

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If anything, people actively look away.

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But he wouldn't let it go. Moan, moan, moan.

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-That was you, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

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-Do you still want me to get it sorted?

-Yeah, if you could.

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-Or you could sit round the other way!

-I'm not going to

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ride the toilet like a jockey!

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Fine. I'll get it sorted.

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Right. Next up, why there isn't a garage.

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Coat stand. Can't support a duffel.

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Very modern.

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That's not how I sleep.

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You've had a bed delivered that doesn't fit through the door.

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It's all coming back now. Moan, moan, moan.

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Fine. I'll be back later in the week, we'll whip those legs off.

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Whilst you're at it, can you fix the lights as well?

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They've stopped working again.

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I know! That's why I gave you all lava lamps.

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I can't read by lava lamp. I'm not Pink Floyd.

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Look, try the light switch, it isn't working.

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Yes, it is.

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OK, the LIGHT isn't working. I'm not just in it for the clicking.

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Have you tried clapping?

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Have we got one of those?

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No, you haven't got one of those.

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Look, Geoff, I need lighting options.

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I don't want to brag, but I've just texted a guy,

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and I am pretty confident that, after a few dates,

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he may want to come back here and sleep in my bed.

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With me in it.

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I understand.

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Playa.

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So, how are things going with your fiance?

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Oh! Back on the dating scene?

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Young man, on the Facebook, I expect you get loads of action.

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You know me, Geoff, always on the lookout.

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Yeah, like the old days!

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The boys, and the girl, are back!

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You three ever want to make it a foursome, I'm up for hanging out.

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So...next on the tour... the burglar alarm!

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Quite simple - the code is my birthday.

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I don't know your birthday. You're my landlord.

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If it helps, it's one month to the day

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after Rachel Stevens released Sweet Dreams My LA Ex.

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That would barely help Rachel Stevens.

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Right. 1-5-1-0.

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And now, we leave the house calmly.

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-Go on.

-I think I can do it on the night!

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Practice makes perfect! Come on, everyone, chop chop!

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And you!

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Calmly!

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Just turning the light off.

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Oh, sticky door - that's on the list, don't worry.

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Thank you very much. Out we go.

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One at a time. Bit quicker than that next time.

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Well done, team. All present.

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Now, who's got the key?

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MUSIC PLAYS

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She looks dead! I'd forgotten she could fall asleep like that.

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Yeah. Do you remember this?

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PHONE PINGS

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SHE GASPS

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Knob.

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See, I've missed this! Night one of the guys back together!

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Wonderful(!)

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Somebody's in a bad mood.

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-No I'm not.

-Still no text?

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-No.

-Aww.

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He must find you very plain.

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It's not that he hasn't replied, it's this bloody thing.

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He's been drafting a text for over a day.

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I can see you writing. Press send, you prick!

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Yeah, I miss when I was a teenager and had a Nokia

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and never knew if anyone was texting me.

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I've seen pictures of you as a teenager -

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-no-one was texting you.

-Yes, they were!

-Still the dots!

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I need to de-stress. I'm going to Zumba.

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Oh, what? Oh come on, Kate.

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Oh, well, lads' night it is.

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Ahhh.

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Yeah, about that - listen, um...

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-I have a date.

-Oh, come on.

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-Sorry, mate, it's been in the diary for ages.

-Who is she?

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I met her in the shop this morning.

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We grabbed the same melon, and the rest, as they say, is history.

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So we'll do something tomorrow night. I promise.

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-What am I meant to do tonight?

-I dunno. Go to the pub?

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-I'm not going to the pub on my own.

-Well, hang out here, then.

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Geoff's coming round to look at the boiler, you can chat to him.

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-Pint of ale, please.

-Yeah, no worries.

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Kitchen's closed, sorry.

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Oh, no, I'm not hungry, I just like to read things

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to pass the time. It's like when you're on the toilet.

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The things I could tell you about Toilet Duck.

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Did you know it's safer to eat you dinner off my toilet seat

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than it is off a kitchen plate?

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Why are you telling me this?

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I...don't know.

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Thank you.

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Drinking alone?

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No, I'm not "drinking alone".

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-Well, you are.

-No, I had to get out of the house.

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My annoying landlord is coming around.

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My mate should be here, but he's seeing some girl

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he met at the greengrocer's.

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At least he had a good, definitely not made up, excuse.

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And is he your only friend?

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No, I've got loads of friends.

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There's Kate, but she's de-stressing at Zumba, and...

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-MESSAGE ALERT

-See?

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Dominos.

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Yeah. Old...Dave Dominos. We play dominoes together.

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You play dominoes?

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Yep.

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With a man called Dave Dominos?

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-Yep.

-And you do this so often

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that you just saved his name as "Dominos" in your phone?

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Yeah.

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You're not one of those lone weirdos you read about in the news?

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Don't take this the wrong way,

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but have you ever killed a prostitute in a lay-by?

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It was more of a slip road, actually.

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Yeah, you don't know her well enough to suggest you killed a prostitute.

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She definitely thinks I'm a psycho.

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Still drafting?! Who drafts a text for almost 48 hours?!

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-Well, you do.

-Yes, but I know that you draft in notes

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and then copy it in. Everyone knows that.

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Look, I drafted and redrafted when I texted him.

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"Fancy a drink?" became "Fancy a tipple?"

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which became "Tipple time?" which became "Two flagons, barkeep?"

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which went back to "Tipple time?"

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which became "Don't want to WINE, but would a drink be unBEERable?"

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Oh, dear God, please tell me you went with that one.

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No, I just went with "Fancy a cheeky shandy?"

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That sounds like you're offering to wank him off.

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In which case, why hasn't he replied?

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I mean, we are so similar -

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we both like baking, we both like dubstep.

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-You don't like dubstep.

-Yes I do.

-Really?

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Cos according to Spotify you listen to wall-to-wall movie soundtracks.

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What's your favourite dubstep album - Patch Adams or Les Miserables?

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-Why were you on my computer?

-I wasn't.

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-Spotify lists what your friends are listening to.

-Really?!

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Oh, dear God, can't I do anything

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without people finding out what I'm actually like?

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Sorry about last night, mate.

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Hope it was worth it.

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It was all right, if you like

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intensely passionate one-night stands.

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My zinc levels are a bit depleted.

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But she wasn't worth standing up my mate for.

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-So tonight we've got big plans.

-At last! Here we go.

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I thought as it's Tuesday we could go to the local for the pub quiz!

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-Not an option.

-Why not?

-They think he murders prostitutes.

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You can't just not go somewhere because they think

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you murder prostitutes - you'd never go anywhere.

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Also, Kate and me will be there.

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We clearly don't do that sort of thing.

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Are you mad? They won't let me have my phone on at the pub quiz

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and I'm waiting for the text.

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And now I've got to stay in and reinvent myself on Spotify.

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It's just us two, then - the boys are back.

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-Did I tell you about the time I saw Finlay Quaye in Wagamama's?

-No.

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-He asked for black pepper.

-What, on noodles?

-Yeah!

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They didn't have any, they had to borrow it from Strada next door.

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-Oh, my God.

-He really wanted it.

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Did you know that I didn't try black pepper until I was 21?

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-Really?

-Yeah! I need to go to the shop to top up my Pay As You Go.

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-Get me a port?

-A port?

-Yeah.

-Now?

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-Considering it's the present day?

-Yeah!

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I like the wine gum so I thought I'd try it.

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Also, trust me, girls love a fortified wine.

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Oh, hello.

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A pint for me,

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and a port for my friend who is about to arrive.

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Port?! Who's your friend? Isambard Kingdom Brunel?

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Where are you? The quiz is starting in three minutes.

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What do you mean you bumped into her again? Where?

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In the greengrocer's?

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Are you having sex with a greengrocer?

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Are you having sex with a green grocer?

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You're having sex with a greengrocer, incredible.

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Well, when are you going to get here?

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Oh, you're kidding... a replacement?

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Right, quiz bud, let's get you in the zone.

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Which band featured the vocal talents of Rachel Stevens?

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I'm going to have to press you.

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Tick-tick-tick-tick...

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Geoff? Can we just have a normal conversation, like normal people?

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OK. OK.

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So, you're not getting married, then?

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Did she find someone else?

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Because you couldn't satisfy her?

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-Shall we go back to the trivia?

-Excellent. Who released the single

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-'Sweet Dreams My LA Ex'?

-Rachel Stevens?

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Yes! And when was it released? Think of my birthday.

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-Work back!

-I have no idea.

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Are you a quizzer or not?

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I don't want to be paired with a dead weight.

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Right, last chance.

0:10:090:10:10

Who came second in the sixth series of Strictly Come Dancing?

0:10:100:10:13

Geoff, do you have any questions that aren't about Rachel Stevens?

0:10:130:10:16

Right, I quit!

0:10:160:10:18

You can't quit, we haven't even started.

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I'm forming a subteam.

0:10:200:10:21

-On your own?

-Yes, I'm going solo.

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You can't go solo, Geoff, we're not Wham!

0:10:230:10:26

-Or Rachel Stevens.

-Stop talking about Rachel Stevens!

0:10:260:10:28

Lovers' tiff?

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I'm not gay. I'm his landlord.

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I would've assumed accomplice.

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We're both straight. I mean he used to have girlfriend, until, well...

0:10:340:10:37

-Leave it, Geoff.

-You could be next.

-Geoff, stop!

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-Just saying, she could be.

-Shut up, Geoff!

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-What do you mean, I could be next?

-Well, he's always on the lookout.

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No, no, no, not like that!

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What if there's a murder in the area? I'm now the prime suspect.

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I am the local weirdo.

0:10:540:10:56

I do wish I could disagree with you.

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This is your fault! I can't believe you stood me up.

0:10:580:11:01

I'm sorry, but as I said, something very important came up.

0:11:010:11:05

You were fucking the greengrocer!

0:11:050:11:07

Yes. I forgot you knew that. Sorry. Won't happen again, I promise.

0:11:080:11:12

Orange?

0:11:140:11:15

Did she give you free oranges?

0:11:150:11:17

-Yeah!

-You do realise that makes you a prostitute?

0:11:170:11:20

You're not going to kill me, are you?

0:11:210:11:23

I can't be around any more of that music.

0:11:230:11:25

It's like sharing a room with Oxide & Neutrino.

0:11:250:11:27

They're not cool any more.

0:11:270:11:28

Yeah, yeah, I know. I meant...Ms Dynamite-tee-hee?

0:11:280:11:32

And she's not called Ms Dynamite-tee-hee.

0:11:320:11:34

-MESSAGE ALERT

-Finally! Smoked him out of his hole.

0:11:340:11:38

I knew he liked me! God, he's lovely.

0:11:380:11:41

I'm too nervous, you read it.

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I don't want to.

0:11:470:11:48

No, go on.

0:11:480:11:50

I was - that's what he's written.

0:11:500:11:52

What?!

0:11:520:11:54

48 hours for that?!

0:11:550:11:57

Procrastinating little shit!

0:11:570:12:00

I've hardly slept.

0:12:000:12:01

I've listened to anything but bloody Phats & Smalls

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in case he was watching my Spotify.

0:12:040:12:06

I hate to split hairs, but I think Smalls is singular.

0:12:060:12:09

OK, OK. No, it's fine -

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obviously he's going to send an explanation.

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Does my phone say "some text missing"?

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No phone has said that in the last decade.

0:12:150:12:17

Maybe he sent it too soon - we've all done that!

0:12:170:12:20

"I don't want to...miss this opportunity"!

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"I don't want to...spend another second away from you"!

0:12:220:12:24

-"I don't want to..."

-Not sleep with other women?

0:12:240:12:27

He must be sending an explanation.

0:12:270:12:28

Are the dots there?

0:12:280:12:30

The dots aren't there.

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Where are the dots?

0:12:310:12:33

I liked the dots.

0:12:330:12:34

I miss the dots.

0:12:340:12:37

-Do you want an orange?

-No, I don't want an orange.

0:12:370:12:39

Come on, Kate, it could be worse.

0:12:390:12:41

I mean, apparently I kill prostitutes.

0:12:410:12:44

Owen sells his body for fruit.

0:12:440:12:46

Guilty as charged.

0:12:460:12:47

I need a drink. Let's go to the pub.

0:12:470:12:50

No can do. I'll go to the shop.

0:12:500:12:52

CLATTER

0:13:010:13:03

Hello?

0:13:030:13:04

Hello, who is that?

0:13:040:13:07

I can see your hair.

0:13:070:13:09

Oh, hello!

0:13:130:13:14

Oh, God, what were you doing by my bin? Were you watching me?

0:13:140:13:18

No, no, no! I live in this block as well.

0:13:180:13:20

I was just, um, doing the recycling.

0:13:200:13:24

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah!

0:13:240:13:26

Look, I'm not a weirdo.

0:13:300:13:32

I'm a normal guy, I live in a normal flat,

0:13:320:13:35

with normal people, where we do normal things. Normally.

0:13:350:13:39

Not as in "sometimes we do weird shit." Is this helping?

0:13:390:13:44

Not really.

0:13:440:13:45

Come in for a drink. You can meet my flatmates!

0:13:450:13:48

I'll get in there and it'll be your dead mother in a dress.

0:13:480:13:51

No, no, she's naked. I've made it weird again.

0:13:510:13:54

Look, come in, have a drink. Please?

0:13:540:13:57

KEY TURNS IN LOCK

0:13:580:14:00

Come on in. Here we are. Welcome to my humble abode.

0:14:000:14:05

CLICKS LIGHT SWITCH

0:14:070:14:08

Don't worry about that, bit temperamental.

0:14:080:14:10

-CLAPS

-Yeah, definitely on the blink.

0:14:100:14:12

-OK...

-Hello? Guys?

-MESSAGE ALERT

0:14:120:14:15

"Gone to greengrocer's"?

0:14:180:14:20

Oh, for fuck's sake.

0:14:200:14:21

Where are your flatmates?

0:14:210:14:23

No, don't worry, we're not alone.

0:14:230:14:25

-What's wrong with her?

-She's not dead!

0:14:250:14:27

Look, I don't know what's going on, but I'm just going to go.

0:14:270:14:29

No, no, there's nothing wrong!

0:14:290:14:31

-Why won't this open?

-Don't worry, it's just a sticky door!

0:14:310:14:34

Right! Let's get those legs off.

0:14:340:14:37

SHE SCREAMS

0:14:370:14:38

MUSIC: "Sweet Dreams My LA Ex" by Rachel Stevens

0:14:380:14:41

# If I were in your shoes I'd whisper before I shout

0:14:410:14:45

# Can't you stop playing that record again

0:14:450:14:48

# Find somebody else to talk about?

0:14:480:14:52

# If I were in your shoes

0:14:520:14:55

# I'd worry of the effects

0:14:550:14:59

# You've had your say... #

0:14:590:15:01

Oh, my God!

0:15:030:15:07

# ..You've had your say but now it's my turn

0:15:090:15:12

# Sweet dreams my LA ex

0:15:120:15:16

# We've had it on full steam

0:15:160:15:19

# Till the light comes back to you now

0:15:190:15:24

# Hey, is it all it seems

0:15:240:15:27

# Is it all you dreamed and more?

0:15:270:15:31

# What planet are you from?

0:15:310:15:35

# Accuse me of things that I never done

0:15:350:15:38

# Listen to you carrying on... #

0:15:380:15:41

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