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This programme contains some strong language

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I love the last shift of the day - a real chance to sit back and take stock.

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Literally, cos of stock checking.

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SHE LAUGHS

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I really need to get a new job.

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No, I'm sorry, sir, we're closed.

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McNuggets, I want some.

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Excuse me?

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I want some fucking McNuggets.

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Well, actually, sir, the McNugget

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is a registered trademark of the McDonalds corporation.

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Unless, of course, you mean our famous mock nuggets,

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which are made from reconstituted soya bits.

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Get me my nuggets!

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OK, OK. Mary, could you please get him some McNuggets, please?

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Coming up.

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I'll just...go over...here!

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I'm sorry, Joe, just so you know I'm not proud of what I'm doing.

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Go on!

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OIL SIZZLES

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That'll be about 20 minutes.

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Did you offer him a sauce?

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Do you want a sauce?

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SFC! Ain't no thing like a chicken!

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Try one, get one free. You know you want one, sir.

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Go for it, come on! Yes, yes, yes, yes!

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HE CLUCKS

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There you go, sweetheart. Want to get some chicken?

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You look like you eat a lot of chicken.

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You'd enjoy some chicken, have some chicken.

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-Hi. I'm looking for Derek Wom.

-Oh, yes? That's nice.

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Yeah.

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I'm new. I'm the new girl.

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Shut up your damn face!

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Hi, I'm looking for Derek Wom.

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All right, you must be Anal, are you?

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Actually, it's "Anahl". I'm Sikh.

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Well, yes, I am, indeed, Derek Wom, assistant manager.

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Should be manager, but I'm not.

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You might be mistaking me for someone who actually gives a shit.

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Whoa, hey, you will! Right, I run a tight ship here.

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Not one of them party skiffs you see in the Adriatic,

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all tight shirts and, "Let's get the party started," OK?

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Now this, this is your shirt.

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Wow. Any chance you can make this job even more demeaning?

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That would be a yes, then.

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Hey! This is so weird, isn't it?

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Both of us being here. Crazy.

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Because we go to the same school?

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Joe Kelly, I sit behind you in maths.

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You once called me a fuckwad for breathing too loudly.

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Never mind.

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I hate my dad. He's making me work here as a punishment.

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What did you do?

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I said I didn't want to sleep with him any more.

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I'm joking. Some crap about learning the value of hard work.

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Oh, this place is rank.

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I feel like I'm on Secret Millionaire.

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OK! Beaks up, everyone. Staff meeting.

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Aside from introducing the new girl...

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It's all right boss, I've done Anal.

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Well, aside...aside from that, which we should talk about separately.

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Maybe. We need to talk about last night's incident.

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Let's lead with the positive, here, guys.

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That guy must have really liked our nuggets, OK?

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So, we're clearly doing something right.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Erm... if it happens again, I want you to all be on your guard.

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So just a little tip - if you want to be more effective in combat,

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it helps if you've got nothing left to live for.

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At least, that's what I've found

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since my soul mate, Gareth, kicked me out.

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It's like I always say, "Please don't leave me, Gareth, don't go."

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What are you giving us combat advice for,

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when you ran and hid in the cupboard, like a little pussy cat?

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Right. Right, so, yes.

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Yes, there was, as you say, to an extent, an element

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of hiding in the cupboard, but, you know, let's all move on, OK?

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What's done is done. Am I right, guys?

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OK. Let's get those doors open!

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Fasten your seat belts. Here comes the morning rush.

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Good day to you, sir, and how may we help you...?

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TRICKLING Joe, can you get the mop and bucket, please, quickly?

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There you go, Anal, welcome aboard.

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That's really quite unpleasant.

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Yo, bro,

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you should ask out that new girl.

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I know you like her.

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That's because I just told you I like her.

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That's how I can tell, innit? Want some advice?

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Not really.

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Too ugly for her, bro.

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See, what you've done there is

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you've confused the word advice with the word abuse.

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Just being honest. That's what friends are for.

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I only met you, like, three days ago.

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You just keep talking to me.

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She's gorgeous, yeah, and you're not.

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This is like a Beauty And The Beast situation.

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No offence, mate, but you are the beast.

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You can't just say no offence when you say something offensive.

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In Beauty And The Beast, yeah, she's like, basically, having

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it off with a lion and, yeah, he's got a bit of money, he's got

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a nice little outfit on, but it's still tantamount to bestiality.

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I've fancied her since for ever. Since we were ten.

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Paedo.

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I'm not a paedophile. I was ten and she was ten.

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Tell you what you do - you need to romance this girl.

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Wait until she's not on shift and she orders a pizza,

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you knock on the door and go, "Big sausage pizza delivery!"

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Got the pizza box by your balls.

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You open the lid and guess what's poking through the middle.

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A topping she didn't order - your penis. Bang!

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I don't think that'll work.

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Why? It's funny, it's clever and it's a great ice breaker.

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Well, it's not going to work because

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A, it's basically sexual assault and, B, we don't deliver pizza.

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Oh, why do you have to be so negative for, man?

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Listen, if you're not prepared to stick your penis through

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a freshly-baked pizza in the pursuit of love,

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then I don't know if we can be friends any more.

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Oh, these stairs, they'll be the death of me, these.

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You've got to be like Houdini to get down here. Hiya!

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Derek. Derek, sit down, Derek.

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SHE CLEARS THROAT

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Now, Derek, do you know why I...I made you deputy manager?

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Because Bobby McAllister was caught masturbating in the onion rings.

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Yes.

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But also it's because you've got a wise head on your shoulders.

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I need your head now, Derek.

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I've lost the respect of the staff.

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They think I'm a coward and it hurts, Derek, it hurts.

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I haven't felt this low since Gareth insisted that I see other people.

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-So, you want to win their respect?

-More than anything.

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All I've ever wanted from my team is respect...

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and impeccable fryer hygiene, or frygiene, as I like to sa...

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No, no, no. This is no time for levity. Speak to me, Derek.

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Mary, can I speak honestly?

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Please do.

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Morale is at an all-time low.

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Your cowardice has left a nasty taste in the mouth

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a bit like Bobby McAllister's onion rings.

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I know, but I have to try.

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OK. Tell them you're going to resign.

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You're going to fall on your own sword.

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Tell them you're that ashamed of your disgusting behaviour,

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that you're a yellow-belly, good-for-nothing

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and they don't deserve them kind of management techniques.

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That way, they'll realise how much they need you

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and they'll be on their hands and knees begging you for to stay.

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But what if they don't realise I'm bluffing

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and they all just really want me to go?

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Isn't that a bit dangerous?

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Well, yeah, it is, Mary, but, you know,

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it's a risk I'm willing to let you take.

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Mm, well. Thank you, Derek.

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Any time, sweetheart.

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Do you know how mayonnaise is made from eggs?

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I do now.

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Well, whenever I eat chicken nuggets with mayonnaise, I always

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feel bad for dipping the chicken in the remains of its unborn children.

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-What?

-That's why I can't eat humus and falafel together either,

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cos like those chickpeas could have been friends.

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I like you, Joe.

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Thanks, Shontal.

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You make me realise that my dickhead son

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is not such a fucking loser after all.

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-MUFFLED: Big sausage pizza! Big sausage pizza!

-(Sh!)

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Did you guys really get robbed last night?

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Yeah, some guy held a knife to my throat

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cos he wanted some nuggets.

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Oh, my God, you poor thing. What did you do?

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-Well, I...

-Beat him up. Beat him up, didn't you?

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-Ed.

-All the adrenaline got pumped up into him

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-and he disarmed the guy, took him down.

-Really?

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Well, it wasn't quite like that.

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Yeah, I, kind of, thought not.

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Don't be so modest, man.

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He might not look like much, yes,

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but he's been taking self-defence classes.

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He took that guy down Street Fighter style. Hadouken!

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Didn't he, Shontal?

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Yes, that's the truth, right there.

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Oh. It's always the types you don't expect, isn't it?

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Good on you, Joe.

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Yes, my natural instincts just kicked in and I suppose...

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-And then, this other guy, come in, yeah?

-Ed!

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Right, and he pulls out a gun. HE MAKES GUN-COCKING SOUND

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And he goes, "Screw the nuggets, I'm going to rape you!"

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He was going to rape you?

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-Well...

-But it's cool, cos Joe was just like,

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"In your face, you rapist," right?

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And he pulls out one of the kitchen knives.

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Kerching! And voomph!

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Straight through the guy's arm, neutralised him, took him down.

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That's exactly how it happened, I swear to God.

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Joe...?

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I guess I did disarm him and he ran out of there like a big pussy.

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Yes, that's my boy Joe, huh?

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And he also makes a mean big sausage pizza, yeah, with meatballs.

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OK, let's just all stop what we're doing for a second

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and just gather round. If we...

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That's it, just gather round,

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just quickly before the...the after-school...

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rush. OK.

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SHE CLEARS THROAT

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OK, I need to tell you all something,

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and it's about last night.

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I...

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admit it.

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I ran and I left Joe alone,

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but I need you all to know that I care about this restaurant.

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I love this place.

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I yearn for its success.

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I love it so much, and I respect you all so much that

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after my actions I am left with no choice here - no choice -

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but to quit.

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So I'd leave.

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You know, I wouldn't... I wouldn't work here any more.

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Right.

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Well, I'm going to have to go now, because I've quit,

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quite publicly, so...

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off I go.

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I'll just go downstairs and pack up my things.

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OK.

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Bye, then.

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It's over, Derek.

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Stick a spork in me, I'm done.

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Oh, well, love, you've had a good innings.

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I wanted to follow in the footsteps of other great leaders

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that have trodden this path - Ronald McDonald, Colonel Sanders,

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that guy that set up Burger King.

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But how am I supposed to grow a global corporation

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if I let my team down, like I did like that?

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You know, a great leader once said, "How am I supposed to grow

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"a global corporation if I let my team down like I did like that?"

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And that leader was you.

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You were a great leader,

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but now it's time to leave the stage, you know?

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And maybe, before you do, ring head office and get them

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to appoint a new leader.

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Oh, maybe it's time to pack it all in, anyway, Derek.

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I could do something crazy, change my life completely.

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Pizza or something.

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Yeah, something like that, you know.

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Go on, get out of here!

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Spread your wings, fly the nest.

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Just piss off.

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I know what you're doing, Derek,

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telling me to piss off, so I don't give up.

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Well, it's too late.

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Even though I love this place more than anything in the world,

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more than I love the children I could have had with Gareth

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if he hadn't insisted on finishing on the bath mat.

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No, it's time to leave.

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But it's good to know that someone cares about me being here.

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Oh, don't worry, I'll steer her through the rocky shores

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of customer satisfaction and whether or not we've got enough cheese.

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Oh, cheese! We've run out of cheese, that's what I came down here for.

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We've run out of cheese!

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HE CLUCKS

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All right, that's great, brilliant.

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So your attacker's got you in a head lock,

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a really tight head lock, and, basically, what you do is,

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you use their strength to flip them onto their back.

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OK, I'm...I'm not going to show you right now, cos it'll

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probably really hurt you, probably break your back or something.

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Could you please let me go?

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That's your first lesson in self-defence. Namaste...

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..Padawan.

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Thanks, Joe. You managed to make this job marginally less boring.

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Hey, after a couple of lessons, you might be able to take on Shontal.

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Touch me, and you'll need two nose jobs, bitch!

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Mate, you are so in, you're practically inside her.

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I told you lying was the only way you'll get a slice.

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It's like she sees me in a completely different light.

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You know what you should do? You should ask her on holiday.

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Don't you think that's a bit soon?

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Yeah, that's why it's brilliant.

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Anyone can ask anybody out on a date.

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"Oh, let's go cinema, let's go bowling."

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Nobody ever says, "Come with me on holiday for, like, six weeks!"

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Does that work?

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Yeah, cos it shows her that you're serious, yeah.

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Serious enough to take her out to, like, the Gambia, on a whim.

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If you're the girl, it's only polite to do the guy who takes you

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out to the Gambia on a whim, yeah? It's a long flight.

0:16:340:16:37

Hi, Joe. Shontal wanted me to get some ketchup.

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Bruv, I heard you give out free nuggets, innit!

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When did everyone start robbing chicken restaurants?

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There's a Nando's there. They make way more money than us.

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Hurry up! Your money or your nuggets, bitch!

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Watch it. It didn't end well for the last guy who pointed a knife at him.

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Oh, for real? You're some kind of hero now?

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Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

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I didn't disarm anyone.

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I...I just gave him the nuggets.

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I even gave him a drink and threw in some chicken wings and...

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some extra sauces and a hat.

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What? You lied?

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I was just trying to impress you.

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Bruv, that's so gay!

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How is it gay if he's trying to impress a girl?

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Shut it, chicken boy!

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And you, you better get that till open, yeah?

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-DEREK:

-Wipe the worst of it off and put them back in the freezer.

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Whoa! Oh, my God, we're doomed.

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Drop your weapon!

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Please don't hurt me!

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I don't want to hurt you,

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but I am the manager of Specially Fried Chicken,

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and I will defend to the death

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the men, women and children that work here.

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OK, look, I can see you are very brave.

0:17:460:17:49

I do not think I can...

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..defeat you.

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You are too strong as a mana-gar.

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SHE MOUTHS

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(What?)

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SHE MOUTHS

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(Oh, right.)

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As a manager.

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SHE MOUTHS

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And as a beautiful, soft-skinned woman.

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Oh, gosh!

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Now get out of here!

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Now THAT is how you handle an attacker.

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Lucky for you guys, I just...

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I happened to be passing by so I could come in here and save you all.

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Cos that's how much I respect you all, that I was...I was

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willing to risk my own life, OK? And, I don't know, I just think

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maybe that goes to show how much I do deserve to run this place.

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You see, I have a dream

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that one day Specially Fried Chicken will be the third,

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if not possibly joint second-best,

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fast food establishment in the whole of the Lewisham area.

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Let's all dream together.

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DOOR OPENS

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He's back.

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Yo.

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What's tall and blonde, frothy and loves me to suck on it?

0:19:240:19:28

Beer?

0:19:280:19:30

Your mum in a bubble bath, bang!

0:19:300:19:32

-You should have asked her on holiday.

-My mum?

0:19:330:19:36

Princess Jasmine. Now, you're going to have to stalk her.

0:19:360:19:39

Don't be ridiculous.

0:19:390:19:41

Listen, man, love is crazy.

0:19:410:19:43

Sometimes love means that you've got to follow someone around,

0:19:430:19:46

learn their routine, until you can make your move.

0:19:460:19:49

What, so you use what you've learnt to engineer a romantic encounter?

0:19:490:19:52

No. Just copy her keys, wait until she's out

0:19:520:19:55

and then put a webcam in the toilet.

0:19:550:19:58

That's horrible.

0:19:580:19:59

Only if she's taking a shit.

0:19:590:20:00

Listen, do you want to come round mine and we'll watch Carrie?

0:20:020:20:04

I don't really like horror films.

0:20:040:20:06

It's not a film, it's one of the girls from my webcams.

0:20:060:20:09

See you tomorrow.

0:20:090:20:11

Hey, I really am sorry about lying to you before.

0:20:110:20:14

It's all right, Joe.

0:20:140:20:16

If you wanted to ask me out, you could just ask me out.

0:20:160:20:18

Oh. Wow. So do you want to go out?

0:20:180:20:21

-No.

-Oh.

0:20:210:20:24

You're a nice guy, Joe, but you're not my type.

0:20:240:20:26

-What is your type?

-Someone who doesn't feel the need to lie

0:20:260:20:28

-about who they are to impress me.

-Oh.

0:20:280:20:31

-And black guys.

-Right.

0:20:310:20:33

And guys with tats.

0:20:330:20:34

Ladyboys?

0:20:340:20:35

Tats - tattoos.

0:20:350:20:37

PHONE RINGS Oh, my ride's here.

0:20:370:20:39

Good luck with this one, Joe, I've got to bounce.

0:20:390:20:42

Yo, Mum, you're five minutes late.

0:20:420:20:44

You'd best have my damn car snacks...

0:20:440:20:46

Hey, have you ever been to the...

0:20:460:20:49

the Gambia?

0:20:490:20:50

HE SIGHS

0:20:540:20:55

There we go. £100 as promised.

0:20:550:20:59

You're no Olivier, but I think they bought it.

0:20:590:21:02

Gobbled it up like a three-ring bonus combo.

0:21:020:21:05

I want more.

0:21:060:21:07

Excuse me?

0:21:080:21:10

Deal's changed. I want more than 100 quid.

0:21:100:21:13

I will not be intimidated by you, do you hear me?

0:21:130:21:16

I humiliated myself once. I will...

0:21:160:21:19

SHE SCREAMS

0:21:190:21:20

Mary, what are you doing? Let me in!

0:21:230:21:25

Oh, OK. It's the hero again.

0:21:250:21:27

I'm aware this doesn't look great, Joe.

0:21:270:21:31

Aim for his face, it's basic self-defence.

0:21:310:21:33

I really need to get a new job.

0:21:360:21:38

# Chicken! Chicken, back, back Pay the chicken back

0:21:380:21:41

# Pay back the chicken back Do the chicken payback

0:21:410:21:44

# Piggy! Pay the piggy back, back Pay the piggy back

0:21:440:21:48

# Pay back the piggy back Do the piggy payback

0:21:480:21:52

# Monkey! Pay the monkey back, back Pay the monkey back

0:21:520:21:55

# See the monkey, do the monkey Pay the monkey back. #

0:21:550:21:59

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