Fried Comedy Feeds

This programme contains some strong language

I love the last shift of the day - a real chance to sit back and take stock.

Literally, cos of stock checking.

SHE LAUGHS

I really need to get a new job.

No, I'm sorry, sir, we're closed.

McNuggets, I want some.

Excuse me?

I want some fucking McNuggets.

Well, actually, sir, the McNugget

is a registered trademark of the McDonalds corporation.

Unless, of course, you mean our famous mock nuggets,

which are made from reconstituted soya bits.

Get me my nuggets!

OK, OK. Mary, could you please get him some McNuggets, please?

Coming up.

I'll just...go over...here!

I'm sorry, Joe, just so you know I'm not proud of what I'm doing.

Go on!

OIL SIZZLES

That'll be about 20 minutes.

Did you offer him a sauce?

Do you want a sauce?

SFC! Ain't no thing like a chicken!

Try one, get one free. You know you want one, sir.

Go for it, come on! Yes, yes, yes, yes!

HE CLUCKS

There you go, sweetheart. Want to get some chicken?

You look like you eat a lot of chicken.

You'd enjoy some chicken, have some chicken.

-Hi. I'm looking for Derek Wom.

-Oh, yes? That's nice.

Yeah.

I'm new. I'm the new girl.

Shut up your damn face!

Hi, I'm looking for Derek Wom.

All right, you must be Anal, are you?

Actually, it's "Anahl". I'm Sikh.

Well, yes, I am, indeed, Derek Wom, assistant manager.

Should be manager, but I'm not.

You might be mistaking me for someone who actually gives a shit.

Whoa, hey, you will! Right, I run a tight ship here.

Not one of them party skiffs you see in the Adriatic,

all tight shirts and, "Let's get the party started," OK?

Now this, this is your shirt.

Wow. Any chance you can make this job even more demeaning?

That would be a yes, then.

Hey! This is so weird, isn't it?

Both of us being here. Crazy.

Because we go to the same school?

Joe Kelly, I sit behind you in maths.

You once called me a fuckwad for breathing too loudly.

Never mind.

I hate my dad. He's making me work here as a punishment.

What did you do?

I said I didn't want to sleep with him any more.

I'm joking. Some crap about learning the value of hard work.

Oh, this place is rank.

I feel like I'm on Secret Millionaire.

OK! Beaks up, everyone. Staff meeting.

Aside from introducing the new girl...

It's all right boss, I've done Anal.

Well, aside...aside from that, which we should talk about separately.

Maybe. We need to talk about last night's incident.

Let's lead with the positive, here, guys.

That guy must have really liked our nuggets, OK?

So, we're clearly doing something right.

SHE CHUCKLES

Erm... if it happens again, I want you to all be on your guard.

So just a little tip - if you want to be more effective in combat,

it helps if you've got nothing left to live for.

At least, that's what I've found

since my soul mate, Gareth, kicked me out.

It's like I always say, "Please don't leave me, Gareth, don't go."

What are you giving us combat advice for,

when you ran and hid in the cupboard, like a little pussy cat?

Right. Right, so, yes.

Yes, there was, as you say, to an extent, an element

of hiding in the cupboard, but, you know, let's all move on, OK?

What's done is done. Am I right, guys?

OK. Let's get those doors open!

Fasten your seat belts. Here comes the morning rush.

Good day to you, sir, and how may we help you...?

TRICKLING Joe, can you get the mop and bucket, please, quickly?

There you go, Anal, welcome aboard.

That's really quite unpleasant.

Yo, bro,

you should ask out that new girl.

I know you like her.

That's because I just told you I like her.

That's how I can tell, innit? Want some advice?

Not really.

Too ugly for her, bro.

See, what you've done there is

you've confused the word advice with the word abuse.

Just being honest. That's what friends are for.

I only met you, like, three days ago.

You just keep talking to me.

She's gorgeous, yeah, and you're not.

This is like a Beauty And The Beast situation.

No offence, mate, but you are the beast.

You can't just say no offence when you say something offensive.

In Beauty And The Beast, yeah, she's like, basically, having

it off with a lion and, yeah, he's got a bit of money, he's got

a nice little outfit on, but it's still tantamount to bestiality.

I've fancied her since for ever. Since we were ten.

Paedo.

I'm not a paedophile. I was ten and she was ten.

Tell you what you do - you need to romance this girl.

Wait until she's not on shift and she orders a pizza,

you knock on the door and go, "Big sausage pizza delivery!"

Got the pizza box by your balls.

You open the lid and guess what's poking through the middle.

A topping she didn't order - your penis. Bang!

I don't think that'll work.

Why? It's funny, it's clever and it's a great ice breaker.

Well, it's not going to work because

A, it's basically sexual assault and, B, we don't deliver pizza.

Oh, why do you have to be so negative for, man?

Listen, if you're not prepared to stick your penis through

a freshly-baked pizza in the pursuit of love,

then I don't know if we can be friends any more.

Oh, these stairs, they'll be the death of me, these.

You've got to be like Houdini to get down here. Hiya!

Derek. Derek, sit down, Derek.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Now, Derek, do you know why I...I made you deputy manager?

Because Bobby McAllister was caught masturbating in the onion rings.

Yes.

But also it's because you've got a wise head on your shoulders.

I need your head now, Derek.

I've lost the respect of the staff.

They think I'm a coward and it hurts, Derek, it hurts.

I haven't felt this low since Gareth insisted that I see other people.

-So, you want to win their respect?

-More than anything.

All I've ever wanted from my team is respect...

and impeccable fryer hygiene, or frygiene, as I like to sa...

No, no, no. This is no time for levity. Speak to me, Derek.

Mary, can I speak honestly?

Please do.

Morale is at an all-time low.

Your cowardice has left a nasty taste in the mouth

a bit like Bobby McAllister's onion rings.

I know, but I have to try.

OK. Tell them you're going to resign.

You're going to fall on your own sword.

Tell them you're that ashamed of your disgusting behaviour,

that you're a yellow-belly, good-for-nothing

and they don't deserve them kind of management techniques.

That way, they'll realise how much they need you

and they'll be on their hands and knees begging you for to stay.

But what if they don't realise I'm bluffing

and they all just really want me to go?

Isn't that a bit dangerous?

Well, yeah, it is, Mary, but, you know,

it's a risk I'm willing to let you take.

Mm, well. Thank you, Derek.

Any time, sweetheart.

Do you know how mayonnaise is made from eggs?

I do now.

Well, whenever I eat chicken nuggets with mayonnaise, I always

feel bad for dipping the chicken in the remains of its unborn children.

-What?

-That's why I can't eat humus and falafel together either,

cos like those chickpeas could have been friends.

I like you, Joe.

Thanks, Shontal.

You make me realise that my dickhead son

is not such a fucking loser after all.

-MUFFLED: Big sausage pizza! Big sausage pizza!

-(Sh!)

Did you guys really get robbed last night?

Yeah, some guy held a knife to my throat

cos he wanted some nuggets.

Oh, my God, you poor thing. What did you do?

-Well, I...

-Beat him up. Beat him up, didn't you?

-Ed.

-All the adrenaline got pumped up into him

-and he disarmed the guy, took him down.

-Really?

Well, it wasn't quite like that.

Yeah, I, kind of, thought not.

Don't be so modest, man.

He might not look like much, yes,

but he's been taking self-defence classes.

He took that guy down Street Fighter style. Hadouken!

Didn't he, Shontal?

Yes, that's the truth, right there.

Oh. It's always the types you don't expect, isn't it?

Good on you, Joe.

Yes, my natural instincts just kicked in and I suppose...

-And then, this other guy, come in, yeah?

-Ed!

Right, and he pulls out a gun. HE MAKES GUN-COCKING SOUND

And he goes, "Screw the nuggets, I'm going to rape you!"

He was going to rape you?

-Well...

-But it's cool, cos Joe was just like,

"In your face, you rapist," right?

And he pulls out one of the kitchen knives.

Kerching! And voomph!

Straight through the guy's arm, neutralised him, took him down.

That's exactly how it happened, I swear to God.

Joe...?

I guess I did disarm him and he ran out of there like a big pussy.

Yes, that's my boy Joe, huh?

And he also makes a mean big sausage pizza, yeah, with meatballs.

OK, let's just all stop what we're doing for a second

and just gather round. If we...

That's it, just gather round,

just quickly before the...the after-school...

rush. OK.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

OK, I need to tell you all something,

and it's about last night.

I...

admit it.

I ran and I left Joe alone,

but I need you all to know that I care about this restaurant.

I love this place.

I yearn for its success.

I love it so much, and I respect you all so much that

after my actions I am left with no choice here - no choice -

but to quit.

So I'd leave.

You know, I wouldn't... I wouldn't work here any more.

Right.

Well, I'm going to have to go now, because I've quit,

quite publicly, so...

off I go.

I'll just go downstairs and pack up my things.

OK.

Bye, then.

It's over, Derek.

Stick a spork in me, I'm done.

Oh, well, love, you've had a good innings.

I wanted to follow in the footsteps of other great leaders

that have trodden this path - Ronald McDonald, Colonel Sanders,

that guy that set up Burger King.

But how am I supposed to grow a global corporation

if I let my team down, like I did like that?

You know, a great leader once said, "How am I supposed to grow

"a global corporation if I let my team down like I did like that?"

And that leader was you.

You were a great leader,

but now it's time to leave the stage, you know?

And maybe, before you do, ring head office and get them

to appoint a new leader.

Oh, maybe it's time to pack it all in, anyway, Derek.

I could do something crazy, change my life completely.

Pizza or something.

Yeah, something like that, you know.

Go on, get out of here!

Spread your wings, fly the nest.

Just piss off.

I know what you're doing, Derek,

telling me to piss off, so I don't give up.

Well, it's too late.

Even though I love this place more than anything in the world,

more than I love the children I could have had with Gareth

if he hadn't insisted on finishing on the bath mat.

No, it's time to leave.

But it's good to know that someone cares about me being here.

Oh, don't worry, I'll steer her through the rocky shores

of customer satisfaction and whether or not we've got enough cheese.

Oh, cheese! We've run out of cheese, that's what I came down here for.

We've run out of cheese!

HE CLUCKS

All right, that's great, brilliant.

So your attacker's got you in a head lock,

a really tight head lock, and, basically, what you do is,

you use their strength to flip them onto their back.

OK, I'm...I'm not going to show you right now, cos it'll

probably really hurt you, probably break your back or something.

Could you please let me go?

That's your first lesson in self-defence. Namaste...

..Padawan.

Thanks, Joe. You managed to make this job marginally less boring.

Hey, after a couple of lessons, you might be able to take on Shontal.

Touch me, and you'll need two nose jobs, bitch!

Mate, you are so in, you're practically inside her.

I told you lying was the only way you'll get a slice.

It's like she sees me in a completely different light.

You know what you should do? You should ask her on holiday.

Don't you think that's a bit soon?

Yeah, that's why it's brilliant.

Anyone can ask anybody out on a date.

"Oh, let's go cinema, let's go bowling."

Nobody ever says, "Come with me on holiday for, like, six weeks!"

Does that work?

Yeah, cos it shows her that you're serious, yeah.

Serious enough to take her out to, like, the Gambia, on a whim.

If you're the girl, it's only polite to do the guy who takes you

out to the Gambia on a whim, yeah? It's a long flight.

Hi, Joe. Shontal wanted me to get some ketchup.

Bruv, I heard you give out free nuggets, innit!

When did everyone start robbing chicken restaurants?

There's a Nando's there. They make way more money than us.

Hurry up! Your money or your nuggets, bitch!

Watch it. It didn't end well for the last guy who pointed a knife at him.

Oh, for real? You're some kind of hero now?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I didn't disarm anyone.

I...I just gave him the nuggets.

I even gave him a drink and threw in some chicken wings and...

some extra sauces and a hat.

What? You lied?

I was just trying to impress you.

Bruv, that's so gay!

How is it gay if he's trying to impress a girl?

Shut it, chicken boy!

And you, you better get that till open, yeah?

-DEREK:

-Wipe the worst of it off and put them back in the freezer.

Whoa! Oh, my God, we're doomed.

Drop your weapon!

Please don't hurt me!

I don't want to hurt you,

but I am the manager of Specially Fried Chicken,

and I will defend to the death

the men, women and children that work here.

OK, look, I can see you are very brave.

I do not think I can...

..defeat you.

You are too strong as a mana-gar.

SHE MOUTHS

(What?)

SHE MOUTHS

(Oh, right.)

As a manager.

SHE MOUTHS

And as a beautiful, soft-skinned woman.

Oh, gosh!

Now get out of here!

Now THAT is how you handle an attacker.

Lucky for you guys, I just...

I happened to be passing by so I could come in here and save you all.

Cos that's how much I respect you all, that I was...I was

willing to risk my own life, OK? And, I don't know, I just think

maybe that goes to show how much I do deserve to run this place.

You see, I have a dream

that one day Specially Fried Chicken will be the third,

if not possibly joint second-best,

fast food establishment in the whole of the Lewisham area.

Let's all dream together.

DOOR OPENS

He's back.

Yo.

What's tall and blonde, frothy and loves me to suck on it?

Beer?

Your mum in a bubble bath, bang!

-You should have asked her on holiday.

-My mum?

Princess Jasmine. Now, you're going to have to stalk her.

Don't be ridiculous.

Listen, man, love is crazy.

Sometimes love means that you've got to follow someone around,

learn their routine, until you can make your move.

What, so you use what you've learnt to engineer a romantic encounter?

No. Just copy her keys, wait until she's out

and then put a webcam in the toilet.

That's horrible.

Only if she's taking a shit.

Listen, do you want to come round mine and we'll watch Carrie?

I don't really like horror films.

It's not a film, it's one of the girls from my webcams.

See you tomorrow.

Hey, I really am sorry about lying to you before.

It's all right, Joe.

If you wanted to ask me out, you could just ask me out.

Oh. Wow. So do you want to go out?

-No.

-Oh.

You're a nice guy, Joe, but you're not my type.

-What is your type?

-Someone who doesn't feel the need to lie

-about who they are to impress me.

-Oh.

-And black guys.

-Right.

And guys with tats.

Ladyboys?

Tats - tattoos.

PHONE RINGS Oh, my ride's here.

Good luck with this one, Joe, I've got to bounce.

Yo, Mum, you're five minutes late.

You'd best have my damn car snacks...

Hey, have you ever been to the...

the Gambia?

HE SIGHS

There we go. £100 as promised.

You're no Olivier, but I think they bought it.

Gobbled it up like a three-ring bonus combo.

I want more.

Excuse me?

Deal's changed. I want more than 100 quid.

I will not be intimidated by you, do you hear me?

I humiliated myself once. I will...

SHE SCREAMS

Mary, what are you doing? Let me in!

Oh, OK. It's the hero again.

I'm aware this doesn't look great, Joe.

Aim for his face, it's basic self-defence.

I really need to get a new job.

# Chicken! Chicken, back, back Pay the chicken back

# Pay back the chicken back Do the chicken payback

# Piggy! Pay the piggy back, back Pay the piggy back

# Pay back the piggy back Do the piggy payback

# Monkey! Pay the monkey back, back Pay the monkey back

# See the monkey, do the monkey Pay the monkey back. #