Parents’ Evening Comedy Feeds

This programme contains some strong language.

'This is your headmaster, welcoming you to this term's parents evening.'

TOILET FLUSHES

Ha! I knew you'd be waiting here for me,

sorry about that.

Roy Carlson, PE, Head of PE, how are you?

Sorry about that, I was in the little boy's room,

turned out to be a game of two halves.

I mean, I got off to a strong start, had a little break -

I like to take me half-time oranges in there,

you know, just freshen up a bit.

Slot two in at the last minute, then it was into extra time,

ended up on penalties.

Anyway, enough about my shit.

Lovely to see you both, you look lovely.

Are you going to a party?

Just parents evening.

Oh, right - you've made a nice effort.

And you're wearing your party hat - that's very nice, that.

Put a candle in there, happy birthday.

Anyway, you are...don't tell me. Er...

Mr and Mrs...

Chang?

Mike's, parents is it?

-Rupinder's parents.

-Rupinder, of course!

Mr and Mrs Rupinder. How are you? Lovely to see you.

That's a nice name, Rupinder. That's exotic, isn't it?

Where's that from? Is that Italian?

No? It's got a kind of, "Rupinder, how are you?

"Yeah, I'll have...I'll have the garlic bread, thanks, Rupinder."

-COMPUTERISED VOICE:

-No more bets.

Come on...

-Red 32 - you lose.

-HE GROANS

-SOMEONE KNOCKS

-Hold on, thank you.

Uh, come in!

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi, how are you?

-Good to see you. How are you?

-Nice to see you. Oh...

-Yes, a little accident, there.

-Hi.

-Hi there, hi.

-Please, take a seat. Have you had a pleasant evening thus far?

-Mm!

Hopefully, you got all the information you needed,

-as far as little, er...

-Joshua.

..Joshua goes, that's right, little Josh.

-Really a lovely boy.

-Is he?

And I predict, for next term, a high B or even a low A.

So, that's great.

And, er...hey, look, I've got you out four minutes early.

-Why don't you go to the canteen, get a hot beverage?

-Oh, we wanted...

We were actually...

-I just wanted to ask....

-You wanted to ask.

You shall ask whatever you need. Don't even need to put your hand up.

-MR JESSOP CHUCKLES

-Go on, then, put your hand up.

-See...

-No, up it goes, go on.

-Darling...

-Very good. Yeah, not now.

I hope I've answered all your questions.

So, lovely to see you again.

There was one to ask...

Absolutely, no - sorry, as I said, fire away. Fire away.

-We wanted to...

-Good, good, good.

Have you had your teeth whitened, by the way?

Your smile is dazzling.

Absolutely sensational. Do you floss?

We wondering about Joshua's iPhone 5.

You confiscated it a while ago.

And we were just wondering when it would be returned?

-Mm. Hm.

-Hm.

-Hm.

Hm.

-When will the confiscated item be returned?

-Yes.

You'll be pleased to know that the item will be returned,

depending on the date you were given at the bottom of the letter.

Sorry, I don't...I actually think we didn't get that letter.

Oh, yes, the confiscation letter. Explaining the, er...the, er...

Confiscation?

-So you read it?

-No.

-No, I think...

Are you going to read it? You should, you know.

-It's very enlightening.

-We haven't got the letter, so...

Right, not on you, no, it's at home?

-No.

-I sent it to your house.

Presumably, you'll be able to recall what date...?

-Oh, yes - it was at least...

-MUMBLING:

-..the ninth...

The, sorry?

-MUMBLING:

-The ninth.

-Of?

Some time ago.

Parents evening is such a drag, though, isn't it?

We all want to be at home now. But no -

back you stay, in the school, the parents are coming,

the parents are coming.

Actually, we're happy to be here.

We'd rather be at home, wouldn't we?

Sat in front of the television box -

Jonathan Ross, perhaps, on his chat couch

with Aisha Dixon,

or the entire cast of Made In Chelsea.

Have you seen that programme?

We don't...we don't watch much TV.

Right. I'm quite a fan of it.

That bisexual one is especially intriguing.

Wh...who's that?

I don't know.

Just remind me who your daughter is again?

-Katy Wilson.

-Katy, Katy Wilson.

Any clue?

Um, she's got brown hair...

-Oh, Katy Wilson!

-Yes.

-Yeah...

Ah...

-Katy, Kitty Kat, Katy.

-Yes...

Kit-Kat Kate. Katy Potaty, yes.

We're also slightly concerned.

-She's in her own world.

-Yes.

And do you know why they retreat into their little worlds?

-Why?

-Why?

Boys, darling, boys.

Boys, boys, boys, looking for a good time.

-She's a little bit young for boys.

-Yes.

Well, no, that's what you'd think.

I started masturbating when I was four.

He's a bit of a dreamer, if I'm honest.

It's a bit hard to get his attention, from time to time,

and you'll be like, "Right, Rupinder, time to get up,

"it's time for your star jumps."

And he'll just...he'll just, sort of, ignore you, you know.

It's very rude. Very rude.

I've had to pull him up on a couple of occasions, you know,

for not listening.

He doesn't listen.

He's partly deaf.

Partly deaf?

He's partly deaf, he has a hearing aid.

Is that what that thing is?

I was looking at little Rupinder going, "What is that in his ear?

"What is that thing?"

I took it off him, I did, I confiscated it.

I thought it was a toy or something.

-Confiscated it?

-I snapped it off his head, I did,

and I stomped on it and I said, "No, no, no!

"You're not playing with that.

"It's time for PE, now do your star jumps."

-And I threw it in the bin.

-In the bin?

-Er...Chris?

-Yeah? >

-Chris?

-Yes? >

Have a look in that brown bin, would you?

< Fuck off! It's full of tampons!

I wanted to talk about Mamet's progress.

-Yes, yes, Mehmet, yes, yes.

-Yes.

I'm very worried about Mehmet.

-Well, last term, he was averaging a D.

-Yes, he got the D.

The good news for you is that he's now averaging a C.

-A C?

-Yes, he's been working very hard,

I'm very, very impressed and...

-But he get the C?

-Yes, which is great.

-Yeah, he got the D, but now he get the C?

-Yes.

Miss Summers, what Miss Shahedi was really concerned about

is that, although he get the C,

how we get Mamet from the C to the A.

I think if he continues to work really hard,

he could very well achieve a B or an A...

-Um...

-B?

-I'm slightly concerned...

-Is it the B?

-Well, you know...

-Is it the B or is it the A?

If you can... He has to go from the C to the A...

-Yes...

-..or he has to go from the C to the B to the A,

or maybe he can go from the C to the A...

-Um...

-..without the B.

-I can...

-We really want to get him from the C to the A.

-I understand.

-Because if you get the A,

you can go to university,

you can become doctor, you can become lawyer...

-Yes.

-You can become anything you want.

-I could...

-If you get the A.

-I could use your help...

-But if you get the C, you may as well get D,

or if you get the E, may as well get the F.

And I say to him, "You get the F, out you go!"

-Um, now, the homework situation...

-I always get the A.

-Now...

I never get the C. How does he get from the C to the A?

-Have you heard of a condition called ADHD?

-ADHD?

-Yes.

Yes, yes, Mehmet's been tested for ADHD.

And what was the result?

He got the C.

-MR BERTRUDE:

-Was that the concern?

-Yes.

-No, there's nothing to be concerned about.

-She's got lots of friends.

-Thank God.

She's friends with Tilly, she's friends with Jonah,

she's friends with Michael, she's friends with Scarlet,

she's very good friends with Tommy.

And, of course, friends with Mr Biscuits.

Oh, dear - head in hands, hand on shoulder.

Have I said something wrong?

We didn't realise she was bringing him into school.

Oh, no, no, she has been, darlings.

We know...other children have imaginary friends,

but this has been going on for about three years, so... Yeah.

Hm, hm.

-Katy's been making demands, of late.

-What kind of demands?

Well, it started off quite innocently.

Katy asked if it was all right for Mr Biscuits to sit in class.

I said, "That's fine, but only if he keeps very quiet."

All of a sudden, it's, "Mr Biscuits would like a chair."

"Oh, Sir, can Mr Biscuits have a desk?"

"Oh, Mr Biscuits knows the answer to this question."

"Oh, Mr Biscuits needs to go to the toilet."

"Oh, Mr Biscuits REALLY needs to go to the toilet."

"Oh, Sir, too late, Mr Biscuits has just wet himself."

"Oh, no, I can't sit here,

"Mr Biscuits' wee-wee is making me feel ill!"

And do you encourage this behaviour?

What, Mr Biscuits pissing his pants

in the middle of my geography lesson?

No, I do not!

Hello. Hello. You must be Jamal's parents.

I'm Mr Bell,

Jamal's music teacher - hello.

Oh, my days!

-Yes?

-Jamal told me that you were still teaching music here,

but I did not believe him.

My God, Mario! What a surprise.

They...they...they let you out?

How nice to see you, Mr Bell.

Yes, it's...it's, it's great to see you...to see you too, Mario.

-This is Jamal's mother.

-Oh.

-Monique.

Hello, Monique, nice to meet you. Well...

Please, let's...

Yes, take the weight off.

Mr Bell was my music teacher, as well.

Yes, I was, a long time ago.

I taught...I taught young Mario

-and he was quite a character.

-Hmm.

By the way, my name ain't Mario no more.

-Now it's Shazad El Bashar El Mustafa.

-Right.

You seem to have embraced a religiously observant life,

and that's to be commended.

You don't wear glasses no more?

No, no...I had the old... the old laser eyes.

Bionic man. 20/20 now.

Monique, it pleases me enormously to see Mr Bell once again,

but you would die of shame

if you were to hear of the torment and unpleasantness

that this man was forced to endure

at the hand of myself and my classmates.

Well, it was a long time ago.

The Nutella filling in his lunchtime sandwich

was replaced with a most unholy substance.

Boys will be boys. Ha...

And he was known thus forth

as Colin Bell, the Poo Muncher Man.

Yes...that sort of led

to quite a serious bout of diphtheria...

He was physically forced into submission and held so,

whilst the flabby and most unhygienic boy, named Farouk,

released the most unpleasant flatulent gases into his mouth...

He was very big for his age, Farouk.

..thus causing him to vomit on Farouk's trainers.

Yes. Dunlop Green Flash.

This displeased Farouk tremendously, and in a fit of vengeful rage,

-put him in a big bin, breaking his glasses.

-That's right.

-And his pelvis.

-Yes.

And not only this - we relieved him of his school garments

and chained him to the railings,

thus displaying his most precious and shrivelled of personal items

for the ridicule of the girls' school opposite.

I don't make the dates, I don't make the rules.

I just follow them and make sure your son does, too.

-And he didn't.

-Um...

-He broke the rules.

He was actually just using it in class as a calculator

which I understand you'd said was OK to do.

Yes, yes, it was, yes.

So, I don't understand why he had it confiscated.

I don't understand, either. As I said, it's all in the letter.

In other classes, when things are confiscated,

as I understand, as the parent rep for this year,

that they tend to be returned within a six, eight-week period.

-Parent rep?

-Yes.

-Oh, well...

-Some of the other parents...

-Parents have mentioned...

-Other parents?

-They've been in touch.

Been in touch? Oh, right.

Which other parents are we talking about?

The Rogers have been in touch to say that her daughter lost her saxophone.

-The Rogers?

-Hm.

-Saxophone?

-Yes.

-Missing or confiscated?

-Confiscated.

Well, there you go, then. She was using it in class.

-In a maths class?

-Yes.

Using it to count. I said, what's the answer to this? She went...

PARP!

Well, Roger let his son use his Mont Blanc pen.

Yes, well he was using that Mont Blanc pen in class.

-Well, it's a pen.

-Exactly.

Andrew Richards lost his glasses.

-Lost his glasses? Well...

-Confiscated.

-Confiscated.

-Taken away from him.

What kind of glasses were these?

-Gucci.

-He was using them in class.

-He can't see without them.

-That's what I said to him.

I said, "You won't see without these.

"But you shouldn't use them in class."

Ahem.

Hi, Miss Judy.

Hi, Ali. What are you doing here? It's parents evening.

I wanted to ask you something.

I don't really have much time, Ali.

But, Miss Judy, I noticed on your timetable that you...

..you have 11 minutes until your next appointment.

Er, yeah, OK. But five minutes, OK?

-What did you want to say?

-I wanted to say that...

# I want you to know

# That you are the one for me... #

-Get out.

-No, please...

-Get out.

-But...

-No.

-Miss Judy...

-I've got parents coming in.

-I saw on the timetable that...

HE FARTS Oh!

TEARFULLY: Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Judy.

-It's OK.

-Thank you.

I noticed on the notice board

that you are going to have auditions for the school play.

It's not a musical, it's Waiting For Godot,

which is a very serious play.

-But I want to be in the school play.

-The auditions are next week.

Yes, I know they are next week, for the school play,

-but I am unable to attend next week for the school play.

-Why?

I have to have...an operation.

An operation - what on? Where?

It is...

a secret.

Well, I can't audition you unless you tell me the secret.

OK, but I will have to whisper the secret.

-Are you going to try and kiss me again?

-Yes.

Then, no. We talked about this.

-But I have operation, Miss Judy.

-What on?

-My...

-..knee.

-Your knee?

-Y-Yes. It is life-threatening.

-Is it really?

No.

-What else?

-Well...

What else has been confiscated in the name of good teaching?

-The Levens' boy, he...

-The Levens' boy!

He had his insulin kit confiscated.

Insulin? Oh, is that what you call it now?

A junkie is a junkie from where I'm sitting.

-He's a diabetic.

-Type one.

Type one junkie.

-Stephanie Edwards...

-Oh, Stephanie Edwards -

well, you know what her husband's been up to!

Having an affair.

With his own brother.

Disgusting.

-Please continue the list.

-The Robertsons...

-Oh, well, you know, you've heard about them?

-No.

-Junkies.

-What?

-They're junkies, the pair of them.

You not seen them in the shopping centre?

Outside with a banjo and a hat, a dirty one.

-Ugh, I wouldn't spit in it.

-I'm talking about Samuel and...

Tucked his leg in, he did.

I saw him walking into the off-licence

just three days prior,

"Oh, where's your leg gone?" It's tucked under!

You're not a war hero, you're a scumbag.

I don't think it says he's a war hero.

Well, whatever, it was written on his cardboard.

I took it out of his hand, I did. That's why he bit me.

Bit me, the old junkie scum.

I might have AIDS!

AIDS from a junkie war hero, with one leg, tucked under!

MR CARLSON: You know what they say,

"The browner the face, the swifter the pace."

-Mr Carlson, we've spoken to the headmaster.

-Oh?

And, um...he's getting straight As across the board

Oh, that's good, that's good, that's very good.

We're looking at maybe Oxford University.

-Oxford?

-So we wanted to look at the possibility

of possibly cutting back on some of his subjects, to increase other...

Say no more, Mrs Rupinder's Mum.

It would be honour, an honour and a privilege.

I'll have a word with the other teachers. It'll be fine.

They won't like it at first, but they'll just have to lump it.

I'll tell them what's going on.

"Roy Carlson is taking young Rupinder Singh

"all the way to Oxford."

We'll have to start first thing Monday -

triple PE four times a day.

We'll go four, four and four. You got that?

Four, four and four.

-Mr Rupinder's Dad, have you got a garage?

-Yes.

We can work Rupinder through the night.

We can put the garage on wheels.

It can be a mobile garage gym.

We can call it,

"Rupinder Singh's Gooooold...

"Mobile Garage Gym."

We can travel to Oxford, have a look around,

see the lay of the land, press-ups, star jumps, the whole shebang.

-What do you think?

-Mr Carlson, that's not what we're saying.

Rupinder wants to study pure mathematics

and biochemical engineering at Oxford University.

Why don't you say anything? Sitting there like a bloody lump!

But what about...what about the PE?

He's going to be the world's greatest PE teacher,

Oxford-trained.

The garage on wheels, the mobile garage on wheels.

Mr Carlson's Gooooold Mobile Garage on Wheels!

When I was inside,

I learned to express my remorse through the power of verse.

Oh, how...how wonderful.

I've written a little something

that I would very much like to recite to you.

It would heal my wounds.

Yes - I mean, we haven't got long...

Hit it.

MONIQUE BEATBOXES

-HE RAPS:

-# Way back, back, back in the day

# Girls and spliffs and ecstasy

# Gran Turismo, Station Play

# Wii Fit, yeah, great if you're gay (I'm not)

# Way back, back, back in the day

# Flunk school, bunk school either way

# I never gave a fuck back, back in the day

-SINGS:

-# But now, time's a-changing

# My personality is rearranging

# And this is the one thing

# I would like to say to you... #

Hit it!

# Colin, you're a bell-end Colin, you're a dick... #

-Dennis!

-# Fat and flaky and smell of sick

# Cock like an acorn Crying like a bitch

# All grown up now Specially his tits... #

What are you doing?! No, no, no!

In the face, in the face.

MR BELL YELPS

I love this guy, I love this guy, me.

-Oh, don't!

-Look at you, man!

See you later, Mr Bellend.

THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

Every fucking time, mate! Oh, shit!

ALI FARTS Oh!

Ali...it's really, it's very hard for people to learn

when someone is gassing.

But Miss Judy, I brought you a present.

Is it the stick with the balloons on? No?

OK.

Ah, in a bag. What could this be?

-Are these your swimming trunks?

-Yes.

-Have you been swimming in them?

-No.

Why are they wet?

I don't know.

I don't want any more...wet clothes.

But they told me to.

They were teasing you, Ali, they're bullying you.

No, I don't have bully. No bully for me.

I'm very popular, Miss Judy.

-You're not.

-I am popular.

PHONE CHIMES You see, now I have a text message.

It is my friend, just one moment.

Argh!

What is that? Let me see what...

No, Miss Judy, it is gone now.

He had sent me a picture on Snap Chat.

What was it a picture of?

I don't know, but...

..it was open.

Is there anything we, as parents, can do?

Have you considered

making friends with Mr Biscuit?

-N...no...

-Not best friends, just...friends.

-We've never tried that.

-He doesn't exist.

I wouldn't say that in front of Mr Biscuits.

Mr Biscuits wouldn't like that.

You see, Mr Biscuits has a terrible temper.

He gets very feisty in class.

He's getting out of control.

He turned to me in the middle of the geography class, he did.

He said, "Oi, you, why don't you go eff off, you effing old P!"

I said, "Don't talk to me that way, you little C!"

He said, "You can't call me a little C!

"Eff off and stick your P in a Q! Two Qs in fact."

I said, "I don't know where I'm expected to find an extra Q from."

Do you get my gist?

Sort of.

So, the McCormicks...

Oh, the McCormicks. Well, come on, now.

Their daughter has lost her iPad in your class.

Not lost, confiscated. It's in the confiscation cupboard.

-I told you, they're all in the confiscation cupboard!

-Fine.

Where is the confiscation cupboard?

It's in the confiscation cupboard room.

-Mr Jessop.

-Call me Colin.

-Colin.

-Call me Mr Jessop.

-Mr Jessop...

-Call me Colin.

Call me Mr Jessop.

We have an app on our laptop at home.

-Right.

-It's telling us...

Yes?

..Josh's iPhone is currently located in Croatia.

Right. And?

And do you have any explanation as to why it's in Croatia?

Well, it must be because

the location

of the confiscation cupboard...

..is there?

In Croatia?

Yes.

The confiscation cupboard is in Croatia?

Yes. Relocated, you see.

Security measure.

The voice mail on the phone has also changed to something

that sounds a lot like Croatian.

Well, you know what kids are like!

What are you suggesting?!

I'm taking these items and selling them online or something?! Hmm?

Is that what you're saying?

Well, you know what? I did! I did! I sold them all!

Every one. Your iPhone, the iPads, the Mont Blanc pen.

I got £622!

And postage and packing!

I'm a power seller!

I took that money, I went straight to the bookmakers

and that roulette wheel goes round and round,

and I've got a friend, his name's Mr Wong, we play roulette together

all day long and we drink gin out of a bottle

that's in a brown paper bag!

I love it! I don't care who knows it!

I love it!

We wanted to sign this form to relieve Rupinder

of all PE lessons.

What, no PE at all?

No PE.

But...it'll kill him.

This is actually Rupinder's idea.

He finds PE boring.

Boring?

Boring?

There's nothing boring about PE, let me tell you!

There's nothing boring about doing star jumps for 15 minutes,

then taking the cones out, running between the cones

doing more star jumps,

then running on the spot for 15 more minutes,

then up against the wall and back, up against the wall and back again.

There's nothing boring about that. My kids love PE!

Mr Gosling, please will you just sign the form?

It's not like it used to be, you know.

Back in my day, PE was very different.

It was right lads, trousers off, into the Mersey, ten laps,

out you get, trousers on.

Onto the bus, trousers off, spot of lunch, into the woods,

trousers off again, oh, not like that,

that's it, into a rugby scrum,

hold it there, yeah, bit longer.

OK, I'm done. Back on the bus, trousers on.

We just want you to sign this form,

so that they can get on with rearranging his timetable.

-No PE, at all?

-No PE.

Jogging on the spot?

No.

-Star jump?

-No.

Roly poly?

No roly poly.

And in the mornings, he's even worse!

I'll be there, front of the class, taking the register.

"Bartholomew? Here. Biggs? Here. Biscuits?"

Nothing!

It's as if he's not even there!

I thought discipline might help.

I said, right, stay behind Mr Biscuits, I'm setting you a task.

Does that look like 3,000 words on igneous rock formations?

No! 400 words, littered with spelling mistakes!

I would love to continue this conversation,

but sadly I have my next parents coming in.

Now, if you will excuse me.

Yes, yes, of course, come in, come in, come in.

Er, Mr and Mrs Wilson,

Dr and Mrs Biscuits.

Do you need a little, a little leg-up? OK.

Yes, see you again.

Mrs Biscuits, looking wonderful, as always.

Please may I audition for the school play?

OK, you've got two minutes.

# I want you to know that you are the one for me

# I want you to know that you are the one for me, you see! #

Argh!

Oh! Oh!

-Miss Judy?

-Yeah?

Please may I be excused, to go to the toilet, please?

Please do.

-Miss Judy?

-Yes?

Did I get the part?

No.

Thank you.

Oi!

Oi!

Oi!

Oi!

Oi!

Oi!

So, just to confirm, the phone is...

It's gone! Went like that.

Argh.

Well, I think we'll first contact the headmaster,

then the police, after that.

Please don't call the police!

I know people on the exam board!

I could have a word with the head examiner!

I'll make sure Joshua gets straight A's from now until he's 19!

He could go to Oxford!

I don't think you're a responsible person to be teaching children.

Listen, I'm being held to ransom by Albanian sex traffickers.

After I finish up tonight, I've got to go

and have sex with minicab drivers.

I'm a Syrian refugee.

I've walked all the way from Damascus.

If you tell the police, they'll send me back to the immigration hut.

I'm a registered sex offender!

If they find out about this, I'm ruined!

-TANNOY:

-Parents and teachers, teachers and parents,

this is your headmaster speaking, just to remind you to wrap things up

and move swiftly onto your next designated appointment.

Thanks for listening.

Right, well, unfortunately we've run out of time, so lovely to see

you both, and I'll see you again very soon, I'm very sure.

MUSIC: School Day by Chuck Berry

# Up in the morning and out to school

# The teacher is teaching the golden rule

# American history and practical maths

# You study 'em hard and hopin' to pass

# Workin' your fingers right down to the bone

# And the guy behind you won't leave you alone... #