Flat TV Comedy Feeds

Fresh, experimental comedy from BBC Three.

Welcome to Flat News as flatmates celebrate their first DIY success.

It's an entertainment unit.

Patent pending.

The flat receives another letter of complaint from Emma in flat six,

talking of excessive noise levels...

MUSIC POUNDS

..stealing their internet...

Got it!

..and lazy bin bag distribution.

The bin bag situation is blamed solely on third flatmate,

proper grown-up and all-round boring man Mike Dowling.

-Late last night, Dowling had this to say.

-Uuurgh!

Flatmates are currently formulating an official response.

A response in no way directed at Emma's flat-mate Sophie,

who was unavailable for comment, mainly because I'm in love with her

and if we spoke even for a second I would die.

-She is the most beautiful girl in the world.

-Not in the world.

-Yes, she is.

-Jennifer Lawrence, grown-up Hannah Montana.

And finally...

-Oprah!

-And finally, yesterday in the pub,

flatmate Naz Osmanoglu made

the incredible claim that lobsters can't die.

We are now joined by Naz in the studio.

-Thanks for coming in.

-Great to be here.

Now, Naz...what the fuck are you talking about?

Well, it's quite simple. Lobsters are immortal.

-So lobsters can't die.

-Yes, that's correct.

And what do you say to the many that are claiming that is total bollocks?

I've read nearly an entire Wikipedia article about it.

-And that's your only source...?

-If I could finish...

This isn't the first time you've been accused of talking shit, is it?

-In 2010 you claimed that pork was a type of beef.

-Yes, porky beef.

Last February you insisted that a boy at your school could lay eggs.

He showed me the egg!

And only last week you said that smoking makes babies stronger.

Maybe I did read that wrong,

but I'm telling you, Ollie Clark pooped out an omelette.

Lobsters live for ever.

-I'm afraid that's all we have time for.

-Look it up!

I will. I'm Googling "made-up lobster bullshit."

Special delivery for flat six.

-This is flat five.

-They're not in, so you got to sign for it.

-But that's the girls' flat.

-Ah, yeah?

The signature won't match up. I'm a boy.

Nah, bruv, you a man. Now sign the ting, yeah?

So what, there's galdem over there? Foxy ladies?

Yes?

Niiiiice.

You know, back in 2005,

I was delivering this package for a girl, fragile little brown ting.

-That's disrespectful.

-No, bruv, the package.

She wasn't in, guy next door signs for it.

Six months later I'm delivering a package with both their names on.

What?

Love. Man and woman brought together by the finest delivery service.

Listen, here's what you're going to do.

You're going to write a note to them girls saying you've got

-their package and they can pick it up when they come to your party.

-What party?

The one you're going to throw. Get some wine, play some choons.

I'm talking 'bout a groovebang, bruv.

Groovebang? You're amazing!

I'm like Hermes,

messenger of the Gods.

-Ask me what my name is.

-Um...

Ask me what my name is!

Is it Hermes?

No, it's Carl, nice to meet you. I like that, though.

Hermes.

From the gods.

Look at this.

-This is for Emma.

-Hm.

You, my friend, are going straight down the toilet.

-No, we need this!

-What?

-We're having a package party.

-Are you ill?

-We use it to invite flat six round.

Great idea(!) Then we can sellotape all our limbs to fireworks,

set them all off and see what happens. No way!

This is Emma! Do you remember these?

"I've got friends coming round. I'd rather not see your filth.

"I like to sleep at midnight.

"Don't vomit in the communal areas." She's a knob, mate.

She's not, she's foxy.

Foxy, in that she's quietly threatening and obsessed with bins.

But she'll bring Sophie, you like Sophie.

Yeah, but I like Sophie in the way you like the blue one in X-Men.

-Red hair and scales.

-Pretty, but terrifying.

-Tom, this is a gift from the gods!

-Then why does it say Amazon?

-Hermes promised if I wrote a note, we'd have a groovebang.

-What's that?

I don't know but I'm pretty sure it's something to do with meeting and possibly talking to girls.

Real girls.

Fine, but I'm writing the note.

No, I'll do it.

-I'll write a note, you write a note, we'll see which one's the best.

-Done.

Tom Rosenthal...

Naz Osmanoglu.

Whose note gets stuck on the girls' door?

The judges decide!

First up - Tom Rosenthal.

WEEDY SINGLE VOICE: Whoo! Yeah, Tom!

Hi, Emma, this is Flat five. It's Tom.

A package of yours got delivered to us.

It's not that we don't enjoy being your own personal Post Office,

I'm just surprised our filth is a good enough home for your immaculate belongings.

Feel free to pick it up whenever's convenient for you. No kiss.

CROWD CHEERS

SINGLE VOICE: Yeah! That's a no!

Tom...

..30 minutes ago, we were looking for a note.

And, I'll be honest, we didn't know if this note was going to be it.

And you know what?

You're so good at writing notes!

-It's good.

-It is good.

Tom, what can I say? You're a prick!

And now - Naz Osmanoglu!

So, Naz, why are you here?

I think I've got the note.

Yo, ladiez, going to have a party tonight.

Maybe some alcoholic beverages.

Why don't you come round?

It's going to fun.

About 8pm.

PS, Emma, your package got delivered to us.

Groovebang.

Shit note!

I don't see what's wrong with it.

You've spelt ladies with a "Z" and drawn a cartoon orgy.

-That's a stickman jamboree.

-We're using mine.

Hi, guys!

-But we turn around...

-And I'm like,

we've definitely been busted by the girls.

Hiya!

-It's that resident's committee woman.

-Argh.

We can't pronounce her name. Hi...Oeru...

-Euurff...

-Effa...

-Eurfa?

-Aoife.

-Yes!

-How are you?

Fine.

I'm fine. You must think I'm so annoying. What are you up to?

We got delivered their package so just letting them know.

They're such nice girls!

We were talking about you the other day,

-cos Emma's a bit upset with the whole..

-Yes!

It's a different story with Sophie, though.

-What did she say?

-Oh, no! I shouldn't have said anything.

No, you can say.

No, no, it's all right!

No, you can say.

Well...

Fucking say.

All I will say is that a little bird told me a little secret.

And that little bird may have said something about you, Tom.

-Sophie talked about ME?

-Birds?

Naz, give me your note.

-What's happening?

-We're having a groovebang!

-Yes!

-Oh. You're having a party tonight?

-No.

-Yes.

-Urrrgh...

-Eeeeuurgh!

No...

You...

-..should...

-Don't do it!

-..come...

-NOOOOO!

Oh, yes, please!

Yeah, great, I'll see you tonight. At eight.

-See you then, then.

-Bye, guys.

-We're having a party.

-Let's groove the bang out of this thing.

-Again!

-I can't help it.

'The boys prepare for their big night. Tom clears up...

'..whilst Naz has a shower.

'For the menu, Tom makes nibbles.

'Or should I say nipples?'

One word - canapes.

That's two words.

Wait... Three words.

'Syllables, Naz, they're called syllables.'

For me, nothing beats an impressive bacon board.

And the cherry on the top -

a massive ham.

With a cherry on top.

'Nice!'

-# Place your ham atop the bacon, ham plus beef equals porky... #

-Stop.

Stop singing. You know you can't serve that.

-Why not?

-Look at it. They're our neighbours, not Vikings.

Everyone loves the P-Beef.

Where did you even get it?

I work in a kitchen - I'm allowed to steal what's in it.

Employee of the month(!) No wonder you're always getting sacked.

What? Two years I've been a sperm donor.

Oh! Please say things like that at the party.

Our neighbours really want to hear about your wank-wages.

-What's your problem with sperm?

-Ham is not a cow, spunk is not a job.

-I'm in demand.

-And lobsters fucking die.

-No, they don't!

-That lobster you ate at Mike's birthday, was that alive?

Yeah, it's like sushi.

Sushi is dead, mate!

Stop talking shit all the time!

Just once, could you open your mouth and not say something totally moronic?

-All right.

-I've got a girl coming round tonight who I quite like,

and I'm trying to impress her, and I won't if my flatmate's talking like a three year-old.

-Clever three year-old.

-Seriously - don't embarrass me. Yeah?

OK, I won't.

I'll go.

-But I'm going to prove you wrong!

-Oh, good luck!

Where you going?

Naz...?

Nipple for the journey.

Breaking news. Flatmate Naz Osmanoglu has gone missing -

minutes before what is now being referred to as the "package party".

With us in the studio now

to discuss is Naz Osman...

This just in. I miss my friend.

DOORBELL RINGS

'It's party time, and the doorbell's gone! Is it Naz?'

Oh, no, it's whatsherface.

-You must think I'm really annoying.

-No...

'Yes!'

Erm...this is 12 per cent.

HE SNIFFS Thank you for that. It's lovely.

Yeah, I don't like the cork ones. Cos we're running out of cork in the world.

'Of course we are. Next to arrive - the flat six girls!'

Hey! Sophie.

'Don't scare her off, Tom.'

Thanks...for clearing the bin bags.

-Oh, hi!

-Hi.

-You know Aoife, don't you?

Yeah, we do, yeah.

'To begin, Tom shows off the wine list.'

-Is that Irn-Bru?

-Yeah, what is this?

-That's Irn-Bru, yeah.

'And flirts with Sophie the only way he knows how, ie badly.'

Best thing about it is I don't pay rent, cos Mum owns it.

That's lucky. Cos...you know, we have to work.

'Uh-oh. Gonna say something? Anything?

'No. Time for another drink.

'Good thing about drinking is you're not flirting.

-So I'm going to start a choir - and I wondered if you wanted to be in it?

-'No, thank you.

'Anyway, here come the nibbles.'

-Canape, milady?

-Oh, I'm OK, thank you.

-Are you sure?

-No, I'm good.

-I'll have... Yeah.

-OK.

'And the party's going from bad...

'to worse.'

Oh, is that... Is that sweet or savoury?

-Both.

-Oh - no, thank you.

Have you got anything else, just to...take the taste away?

Er... There's crisps. We've got some ham...

I think you'll find... it's porky beef!

'Oh, yes! Naz is back!'

-Naz!

-Ladies...

'Go for a hug?

'Oh. Not really a hug, but it'll do.'

How's the party? Are the girls here?

Naz... Naz...

-Naz?

-Yes.

'Now Hugh Hefner's here, the party's in full swing.'

Do you want to see my party trick?

Oh...!

GIRLS LAUGH

NAZ SHRIEKS

I've got something for you. Hang on.

Oh, he's so funny...

It's a package party! Yeah.

-Here you are. Here you go...

-Amazing.

MUSIC: "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga

'Now, that's entertainment.

'Lady Gaga? More like lady's GONE gaga.

'But things are looking up for Tom.'

-Yeah, I'm a collector.

-He's cute.

It's where we keep our straws...

Oh, that's so weird. We were supposed to get one of these modems.

Were you? I like his hat.

-You haven't eaten anything. You sure you don't want any food...?

-No, I don't actually eat meat,

-I've been a vegetarian since I was ten.

-Really? Me too.

-Really?

-Yeah, since six.

'The relationship's going well, he's even started lying to her.'

-I just can't eat anything with a face.

-'How DO you eat it, then?

'The party's a ridiculous, incredible success.'

I like those.

RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES

'Until that.'

-We...

-really...

-should have...

-taken ...

-those...

-down!

Sorry....

are those my notes?

-Er...

-Tom?

-Er...

BAYING CROWD

'Awkward!'

Tom, why are those up there?

Er... Naz did it. Naz put them there.

-No, I didn't.

-Yeah, you did.

Sophie did it.

-Oh, is this not a game?

-Why would you do that, Naz?

Yeah, Naz. Why?

-Maybe the same reason Tom lied about being a vegetarian.

-I am vegetarian. I just decided.

You just decided to be a vegetarian when you were six?

We-we-we should stop this.

Oh, classic Tom - telling everyone what to do.

No - only you, cos you do stupid things.

Naz isn't that stupid.

Isn't he? Have you told her your little theory?

No, but I will. Did you know that lobsters actually live for ever?

-That's quite stupid.

-Thank you.

-What do you mean?

-They're immortal.

-Ignore him, he's an idiot.

-No, I actually think I know what he's referring to.

-Fiction?

No, the rate at which lobsters age.

BOTH: What?

They produce an enzyme called telomerase which slows their ageing process.

Exactly - if you shoot it in the head...it doesn't die.

-No, that's not what I'm saying...

-I'm on the same page.

My uncle wanted to live for ever, and so we froze him. And then when we defrosted him, he was just mush.

-Look, it doesn't matter, because I can prove it.

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God, that poor thing.

Look at its claws, Tom - of course they live for ever.

-Stolen from work?

-Yeah.

-Obviously.

-Our pet will live longer than us.

One day, all this will be yours.

Tom - you can't have pets in here.

-It's not a pet.

-Well, what if I'm allergic to it?

-Then you should leave.

-Lobster meat is made of steel!

-Even your girlfriend thinks so.

-Oh...

-Why would you say that?

-Sorry, "girlfriend"?

-That why we invited you here. Tom loves you!

Good thing she has a fetish for bin bags.

-Yeah. The other day he said you're the most beautiful girl in the world.

-No, I didn't.

The noble lobster shall never die. That's what Charles Darwin said.

-Total shit - again.

-Face it, you've got a bad taste in science.

-I'm right - you're wrong.

-Shut up!

SHUT UP!

Is it alive now?!

WHACKING CONTINUES

Maybe they CAN die.

(Its face...)

-I think we're just going to...

-Yup.

-I can stay.

-Fabulous!

It was going to die in the restaurant anyway.

-Not like that.

-Fair point.

This is the best party ever!

This is Flat News, as flatmates face the aftermath of the "package party".

-Can I...

-Go around!

The flat receives another package.

-Parcel for flat four?

-No!

And Emma's case is apparently vindicated.

This is Flat News.