Vodka Diaries Comedy Feeds

'DJ Dee Danger!'

DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYS

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Yes!

Bitch!

SKA MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, Nic, please, can you go outside?

I've got asthma, I mean, I have said this.

Yeah, but it's thrilling to hear a third time(!)

SHE WHEEZES AND PANTS

And don't give cigarettes to my brother.

What? When did I do that?

All last night, I saw you. Ollie doesn't smoke.

-I think you'll find he does.

-Only to impress you.

Don't encourage him, he's too young for that shit.

Too young for what, to smoke? What, he's 15?

I thought he said he was older.

He's 16.

Oh, good. Hmm.

-What?

-What?

Why is that good?

Er, because of the cigarettes.

It's good that he's old enough to smoke cigarettes,

otherwise I'd be getting me... locked up.

The legal age to smoke is 18.

Yeah, but I just feel better about it, so...

Did any of you guys see where my brother went last night?

No, I didn't.

Oh!

Is it necessary that we have to be stuck on the same channel

-every time you have a wank?

-I forgot.

-Ha-ha!

I don't know what you're laughing at, Miss Baggy Flannel.

What's this?

Nic's vag looks like a baggy flannel.

Yeah.

I-I don't know. I don't know.

OK, no, so Periel walked in on me having a shower,

she didn't even see my vagina,

but now she's telling everyone that it looks like a flannel.

A baggy flannel. I heard it squelch.

That's disgusting.

What? You haven't even seen it.

Hey, can you go outside?

Look, she doesn't even have an ashtray!

Oh, for God's sakes! Oh, do you know what? Fine!

I will go to my room!

I'm not sending you to your room, it's just...

No, do you know, I'm not going to sit here and be criticised

and told that my vagina is disgusting,

when I have been told, in no uncertain terms,

in these exact terms actually, that it "does the job grand".

So, yeah!

Ollie? Ollie! Come on, Ollie, wake up.

Good morning, beautiful.

Wake up, come on, your sister's looking for you.

-I don't want to go.

-Yeah, well, I don't care.

You make me laugh.

OK, your fly is undone, but your trousers are still on,

that instils some faith.

Look, Ollie, um, I don't really remember

what happened last night and I don't really...

We had sex.

Oh, God, if you'd just let me finish!

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Fuck!

Was I good?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

The other day, I was on my phone and I did this.

It didn't work that time. Like this.

"All right, see you later, goodbye. Cheerio."

It's not working now. Whatever.

Alex, are you following me on Twitter yet?

-Yes.

-Tom, are you?

Yeah. How many followers have you got now?

Um...

..two.

Still waiting on a follow-back from Ellen DeGeneres though,

-so probably three.

-Are you still pretending to be a lesbian?

Pretending? I'm not pretending.

Well, you are, because, I mean... You are.

Was that pretend?

OK, so, picture this -

when you wank,

and I'll picture it as well,

what do you think of, men or women?

Er, nothing really, I just count how long it takes me to come

and try and beat my record.

23 seconds.

Fast.

I think about men.

Right.

Guys? Guys, what's the, um, date today?

25th?

-28th?

-Sunday, I think.

Today feels like a Sunday to me.

Or a Tuesday.

OK, well, can you check?

Why? Is it your birthday or something?

No.

-Is it my birthday?

-I don't know, Periel, is it?

-Is it June?

-February.

Then, no.

Oh, my God! You'll never guess what time it is.

Guys...

-11 o'clock?

-Much later than you think.

-12?

-Later.

-Guys...

-Two o'clock?

-Earlier - not much, though.

1.41? 1.42? 1.43? 1.44? 1.45?

Guys, seriously!

1.49?

No, Tom, it's 1.33.

Hmm, close.

Now it's 1.34. Isn't that much later than you thought?

-You thought it was June.

-Hmm, and the date is the 23rd.

Well, seriously, the landlord is coming round.

-Why?

-Who?

"On Sunday 23rd, the landlord will be visiting the property in order

"to ascertain if the agreed level of cleanliness has been maintained.

"And if satisfied, will offer the tenants

"the opportunity to renew their contracts."

Why, or who, just shoved this on the fridge?

-Nic.

-Nic.

Yes, Nic.

Right, OK, well, we need to start tidying now.

Hmm, well, what was the "agreed level of cleanliness"?

Probably cleaner than this, Periel.

OK, well...

OK, I'm going to need you to not tell anyone about this.

Why?

Well, there are about 800 reasons why!

Like, I'm friends with your sister, well, I live with your sister

and, and also you are ten years old.

-I'm 16!

-Yeah, well, I'm...not.

I'm sure you told me that you were older than that last night.

Look, I'm going to need you to not tell your sister about this, OK?

Or your parents, or your teachers, or anyone else.

Can you do that for me? Will you promise me that you'll do that?

OK, I promise.

-They all think I've done it before, anyway.

-Done what - me?

No, no, they all thought I'd lost my V anyway.

I love you, Nic.

-Oh, please, stop talking.

-I do.

No, no, no, no. You don't love me.

You don't even know me.

You just had sex with me, right, that's different.

That's just, that's... I have sex with loads of people all the time,

and that is not love.

That is low self-esteem. Trust me.

Couldn't jump it. Couldn't jump that.

No, that goes down here, in here.

Right.

I can probably do it better anyway, I'm more flexible.

Yeah, you were showing everyone that last night.

When?

It was some sort of limbo thing.

There was a limbo thing?

Not really, I don't know what it was.

Oh, no, I remember when those guys kept asking me to bend over.

They didn't ask, you just did it.

No, I mean, it's fine. I don't mind, my body can bend.

I once woke up with both legs behind my head.

-Literally.

-Where's Nic?

Rude!

OK. Who eats out of this, The Borrowers or something?

Where does that go? Do you want to put that away?

No, that's mine. It goes right in my cupboard.

OK, so if anyone asks you, you say that you stayed

at a mate's house that you met in a bar last night.

'Nic?'

Shit! Hide!

-Where?

-Anywhere, just...

'Nicola?!'

Full name, good.

Yeah, just, er, um... Two... Two minutes!

Don't come up, don't come in!

(Oh, for f...!)

(Oh!)

'Nicola?!'

Fuck it!

'Nicola?!'

-Good morning.

-Do you look at these before you shove them on the fridge?

-Am I supposed to know what that is?

-Are you taking the piss?

The landlord is coming round today!

-What the hell is that?

-A fire. I put it out.

Yeah, saved all our lives. No, don't worry about it.

-A fire from what?

-A cigarette.

How many times? This is a non-smoking house!

It's in the contract. We could get kicked out for this!

I mean, I have asthma and, like, it's getting worse

even being in here now, like...

SHE GASPS

Holly, I also have asthma

and yet I still manage to smoke over 20 cigarettes a day.

So just look what you can do if you put your mind to it.

Now, you go downstairs and I'll look after these charred remains.

I'll be there in a minute.

-PHONE VIBRATES

-'Get on all fours. Suck my balls.

-'If you can't take more...'

-Is that...?

-Our neighbour.

Yeah, he plays it all the time.

Surprisingly catchy.

I'm going to speak to him,

-because you shouldn't have to live with that.

-Could you? Please.

That is so unreasonable!

I mean, he's a musical terrorist.

That is ridiculous!

Jesus!

Ollie...

-Can I keep these?

-No, you can't!

They're part of a set. I'll get you another pair.

Here, put your hand on my stomach.

I don't have any free hands.

-Why?

-You'll see. Just do it.

-Good, innit?

-Yep.

Er, where does this go?

You left way too early last night.

Holly was tired.

I did that, and everyone just went mental,

which I believe confirms the reason why I didn't get into RADA

was because that panellist woman was a jealous bitch,

not because I can't do physical theatre.

I CAN do physical theatre.

Look, I'm really good at physical theatre.

I CAN do physical theatre, honestly.

Aarrgghhhh!

Aarrgghhhhhh!

You didn't really get into RADA because the diet pills you took

for six days before the audition, they made you collapse.

-No, but then...

-Three times.

-Yeah, but...

-Then you pissed yourself.

-Did you pull last night?

-No.

-No?

-No, I think guys don't ask me because they feel intimidated

or probably assume I've already got a boyfriend.

Yeah, that's what it is(!) Does this go down there?

I don't know where it goes.

You just want me to bend over again, don't you?

No. No, I don't, no. Genuinely, I just... I don't know where it goes.

-Does it go down there?

-Yes.

-Just say that, then. Please.

SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY

SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY

(Where's Holly?

(Oh, come on, Periel, help me out.)

If you can't shift it, don't shag it.

Oh, come on!

-Call me, yeah?

-No!

Yeah, I can only get the money on Monday when I sign on.

Am I the only one tidying in this house?

Pardon me a second, would you?

Look, I'm cleaning!

PICTURE SMASHES

-That was mine.

-I literally have no money to pay you back.

-Yeah, it was my nan's.

-Or her.

-She's dead, Periel.

-Ah. Well, she won't mind, will she?

What's that...? Those are my... Why are you cleaning with my knickers?!

One more minute.

Sorry! I thought it was an old, frayed, dirty rag!

SHE BREATHES OUT

OK. Just...

clean in here with a cloth

and hurry the fuck up!

And spray something.

DOORBELL RINGS

Sorry about that. Please do go on.

Yeah, yeah, it's awful what they're doing to the cats.

DOORBELL RINGS

Leave that, it's Jehovah Witnesses. Bastards!

Well, it might be the landlord.

STAMMERING: We...we could pretend we're not in.

He has a key! And he can hear you.

Right.

-Ollie?! What are you doing?

-Oh, my God, it's Ollie!

Are you OK? I've been trying to ring you. What have you been doing?

-Well, I...

-Oh, my God, it's Ollie!

-Where have you been?

I just stayed in...

-No, he didn't.

-A mate's house?

Well, Mum's been really worried about you. She's going to go mad.

-Fuck Mum!

-Ollie!

Get that out of your mouth now! And go home!

We've got dinner with Nana later.

Ollie...is that foam on your back?

Oh, God, that's right, Holly. I just remembered...

Ollie... He went to a foam party last night,

and that...that shit just does not dissolve like you'd think.

Are you, um...?

-PHONE VIBRATES

-'Get on all fours. Suck my balls.'

Oh, it's a popular ringtone that, but, listen, phew, we found him.

Thank God! We found Ollie. But listen, I'm going to just...

Tell me you haven't slept with my brother.

I haven't slept with your brother.

-Nic?

-Yes?

OK, I doubt it.

Ow!

OK, I accept that, and now we can move on.

How fucking dare you?! With my... What is wrong with you?!

-Well, a combination of things.

-Don't answer that!

Just go, leave now! Seriously, fuck off!

Well, where am I supposed to...? Do you know what, Holly?

Yeah, I will go, actually, and not because you're telling me to go,

but cos I want to!

Because you are the biggest fucking quim

I have ever come across in my life, so yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can keep your threatening e-mails

and your bullshit Post-it notes and your faked orgasms,

which, by the way, I hear every fucking night!

Because we don't get on, Holly. Nor do I even want to!

So, yeah, I'm out of here, man, yeah!

So, yeah, I am, so you can split the rent three ways,

unless that black hole of a charisma that is your choad of a boyfriend

ever decides to put his hand in his pocket!

I'll just go pack though, first.

Being single is fine.

I've been single ever since that guy I dated

turned out to be a 12-year-old girl.

Do you remember Carla?

But I'm fine.

Just a bit bored and inescapably alone.

We could go lesbo together.

I wonder whatever happened to Carla.

So what are you saying? You think he likes you? Are you sure?

Well, he asked if I'd pulled.

Basically, asked me to bend over.

He clearly wanted to stay out last night.

Do you think I should talk to Holly about it?

I don't want to be a home-wrecker or anything.

But he's obviously a man craving excitement,

and that's what I can provide.

Yeah.

Can you bring me in a cup of tea?

Can you, er, pop the kettle on?

Cup of tea, yeah.

SONG: Shimmy Shimmy Ya by Ol Dirty Bastard

That's mine.

That's mine.

# Yes, baby, we like it raw

# Oh, baby we like it raw

# Yes, baby, we like it raw

# Shimmy shimmy ya

# Shimmy yay shimmy yay

# Gimme me mic I will take it away...#

Oh, hey. Um, hey.

Are you one of the girls that live next door?

Er...er, from next door?

Yes, I'm from next door.

Cool.

Er, sorry to be the annoying neighbour here,

but can I ask you guys just to keep it down?

It's only during the day, cos I work Saturday nights

and I can...hear you guys... ferreting around.

Oh, God, yes. I'm so sorry.

Sorry, this isn't... This isn't actually how-how I look.

Sorry, this is...

This is actually how I look, sorry.

Just, well, actually, normally I look a lot better,

-but, um, we're having a clear-out.

-Yeah.

Sorry, you work nights, you say?

I work Saturday nights, yeah, and I can just appreciate...

Sorry, yeah, what... What is it that you do?

I'm DJ Dee Danger. I'm a DJ.

Oh, my God, no way! I love DJs.

Oh, well, not all DJs. Most of them are shite.

But it kind of depends on the music.

What kind of music do you play?

-Dubstep, mainly.

-Good.

-Yeah?

Dubstep... I love all that... Dee...

Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee...

Digga-digga-digga-digga... Ding-ding-ding-ding...

Digga-digga-digga, ding-ding... Yeah.

Yeah, it's all that noise with no discernible sense of rhythm.

-Cool, just...

-Wait, wait.

Um, God, it's mad seeing your neighbours, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess, yeah.

Yeah, this is like, when does that normally happen in London?

I just didn't even think neighbours existed.

I thought they were some kind of conspiracy. Huh!

No, not obviously a real conspiracy. I'm not some kind of psycho.

Argh! SHE LAUGHS

Your face!

You're hilarious.

Um, you should come round some time, for like a drink or...

and we could apologise about all the noise.

Sure, yeah.

Yeah? Oh, well, then, pfff, what, like, tomorrow?

-Sure.

-Yeah, what time? Like five, six, seven, what?

Er, seven.

Yeah, well, OK, great. Great. Well, we'll see you then.

Um, I'm Nic, by the way.

DJ Dee Danger.

OK. Well, um...

I'll see you tomorrow...

Mr Danger.

Yeah, DJ Dee Danger.

DJ Dee Danger, yeah, good, OK.

-OK.

-Cool.

-Yeah, no.

Oh, my fucking God, you little piece of fucking...

-Oh...

-..ar...

This came. It's got your address on.

-No way. Our address?

-Yeah.

What? Oh, do you know what this is now, D-D-Danger?

It's the tenancy agreement and the amount is...

Bye!

# Shimmy shimmy ya

# Shimmy yay shimmy yay

# Gimme me my mic and I will take it away

# Wu-Tang Clan was the kung fu king... #

Bonjour!

Mange tout!

Classic Tom.

After all that, the contract from the landlord.

All of what? You didn't DO anything.

No, but imagine if I had. I would be pissed!

Well, we don't want you to move back in, Nic.

OK. You're mad at me. I understand that,

but I have been doing some thinking and I believe I've had an epiphany.

You left two minutes ago.

Yes, well, my time in exile proved fruitful.

And you're right, Holly. We should all be doing more cleaning,

myself included.

Yeah, that wasn't the issue.

-No.

-You used my brother as your rent boy.

-Seriously, what do you want? A lock of fucking hair?!

-No!

Sorry! I can't take this any more.

You can cut the tension in here with a knife.

Holly, I don't know how to say this

without sounding like your boyfriend fancies me,

but I get the impression your boyfriend fancies me.

When did I say I fancied you?

You don't have to. You can't stop looking at me.

You're looking at me right now.

-You're still looking at me.

-I'm not looking...

See, even as I'm saying this, you can't take your eyes off me.

I mean, I don't mind, personally, but sisters over misters, Tom.

Holly should know.

Er, thank you.

DOORBELL RINGS

(I'm just going to go and get that.)

What?

That's her.

Um, yeah, we're...

We know Ollie.

And, um, can we see your tits?

You most certainly can't!

Wait now, what, for money or something, is it?

Um, £6?

Right, yeah, go on, then.

That's it.

Good day to you all!

MUSIC: Here Comes The Hotstepper by InI Kamoze

# Nah, na na na nah, na na na nah, na na nah, na na nah, na na na nah

-# Here comes the hotstepper

-Murderer

-# I'm the lyrical gangster

-Murderer

-# Big up the crew in-a de area

-Murderer

-# Still love you like that

-Murderer

# No, no, we don't die

# Yes, we multiply

# Anyone press will hear the fat lady sing... #

SHE SIGHS

Nearly finished yet?

-Yeah.

-Two minutes.

-In a minute.

Jesus, will someone tell that woman to stop shouting?

Holly, stop shouting!

No wonder DJ Danger complained.