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Feed my funny!

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Fresh, experimental comedy from BBC Three.

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GANGSTA SOUND EFFECTS PLAY ON MOBILE PHONE

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S to the A to the J to the ID!

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Sajid in your face, uh-oh, uh-oh! Man, I bust a cap in your face!

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Uh-oh, uh-oh!

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And then I did a kick up your face! Uh-oh, uh-oh!

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GUNSHOT, CAR TYRE SCREECHES

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SOUND EFFECTS OFF

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Sajid, it was shit when you were 13 and it's still shit now!

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My lyrics are timeless. Still gangsta.

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TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

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Ah, it's Auntie Fatima! SHOP BELL TINKLES

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Sorry, do you do moustache wax?

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ALL: No!

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What's with all these new white boys round here?

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Like my father says, the moustache cannot be grown.

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It must be earned.

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Oi, Webby, what did your mum do to earn her moustache?

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A lot of steroids in the '80s. Oh, yeah, my mum texted me.

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She's cleaned the bolognaise off the TV,

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so Grand Theft Auto's round mine tonight, yeah?

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Again?

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All we ever do is sit on your mum's stinky beanbag,

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gunning down prostitutes.

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MEN GASP

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-It's a game.

-SHOP BELL TINKLES

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Yo, we're shut...!

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You really don't get a lot of women in here, do you?

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Dad says you've got to fix the restaurant alarm. It broke again.

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What, Dad said that? Cool, I got this!

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Try playing hard to get, he might like you more.

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THEY ALL LAUGH

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CHILDISH VOICE: I love my daddy!

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-A man should respect his father.

-Sorry.

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I can't hear you with your dad's dick in your mouth!

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OK. So, er, where are you going tonight, Yazmin?

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You look...lovely.

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Nelson's party.

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-Nelson, yeah?

-You know him?

-Yeah, yeah, we go way back.

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Yeah, he used to mug you at school.

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Like, banter, it was banter mugging. Maybe see you there.

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I thought we were killing prostitutes tonight.

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In a game.

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-In a game.

-This is why women don't come here much.

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Why are you telling my sister you're going to Nelson's?

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-We never go to those parties, and Nelson hates you.

-Face your fears.

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Plus your sister's banging.

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Talk about my sister again and I'll snip it off.

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And then Jay-Z said to Auntie Fatima,

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"If anything, you're fitter than Beyonce. Will you marry me?"

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You should marry Yaz tonight.

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Oi, fly to Vegas, I'll be like the best man/emcee.

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What are you lot talking about?

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-TOGETHER:

-EastEnders.

-Can a horse eat a bear?

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Yo, Bolts, real talk o'clock, right?

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I've been thinking about your dad. You do too much for that man.

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You take a leaf out of my father's book. He just does his own thing.

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Webby, your dad sells meth to school kids.

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Yeah, like one time.

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Oh, my days. A real party. With no aunties!

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Listen, if Nelson answers, leave it to me. Yeah? He ain't no big deal.

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He's, like, what, this tall anyway?

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Yeah, yeah, small in body but big in that time

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he bitch-slapped you in front of the whole netball team and you cried.

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Thanks, man. Glad we had this.

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This big!

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Ah...

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Nelson. It's Jazzie from...from school.

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-Banter.

-We're not going to just take that, right?

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Nah, nah, nah, nah, but his boys are in there, right?

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Because if it was me and Nelson, I would end that boy. Listen...

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Don't he know I go gym, I will teach that pussy a lesson!

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The lesson that we need to make

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peace in the streets or forever be locked in a circle of violence.

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Amen.

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-What you sayin', Jizzie?

-Oi, you best back down, blud.

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Cos you see, my man...

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He's got a strap!

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He's got a gun?! You brought that here? My grandmother's asleep, bruv!

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You're a dead man!

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There's no shame in running away.

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-And hiding in a wheelie bin.

-Look, how do I know you don't have a gun?

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Because we've never even seen a gun.

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My cousin knows the guy that shot Bin Laden.

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Or maybe it's the other one. Gandhi?

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No, Gaddafi.

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Wait.

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Gandalf.

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Where did you disappear to last night?

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And why the fuck are you wearing them dotty shorts?

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Don't know. Must have left my trousers at the party.

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Most likely, right, pulled the sexiest girl there,

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she kept them as a trophy.

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You sure you didn't just get drunk, lose your trousers

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and have a wet dream again?

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Yeah! Like, like 70, 80% sure.

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-Wait, you got into Nelson's? Did he say anything about me?

-..Nah.

-Nah?

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Nah.

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-Actually, yeah, he said he wants to kill you.

-Oh, shit!

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-Mum said she'd buy me a suit if I had to go to a funeral.

-Nice.

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What kind of kill me? Like angry text message kind of kill me

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or Crimewatch UK kind of kill me?

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Just chill out, man.

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Nelson lives two or three buses away. That's, like, £5.20

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on the Oyster card. You ain't worth that.

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Also, if you're in a different postcode,

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he can't legally shoot you dead. Trust, I know the law of the streets.

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I think they did a thing on it on The One Show.

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From now on, forget those parties. They're for kids.

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My sister's little crew love them.

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Always hooking up with the hosts, like, "Let me suck your dick,"

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Just cos he threw a party, like.

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Pathetic!

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Wait...

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No, no, no, no, no.

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OK.

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I have considered your arguments.

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Jazzie, I agree, there comes a time to step out from our

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fathers' angry shadow and show the responsibility of hosting a party.

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And Sajid...

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-I'm choosing to ignore your comments concerning my sister's honour.

-What?

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All I said was, if your sister brings her fit mates,

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then statistically an orgy is...

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Do you want me to punch you in the dick again?

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-I do not.

-OK!

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So, I have decided in my father's absence, we can have the party here.

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Yes!

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Rule one - nothing precious or holy in this house can be exposed

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to sin, and we are covering it all up.

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Swear down, this Muslim stuff is scary.

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-Sajid, your whole family are Muslim.

-Yeah, but we're Pakistani, innit?

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-Your lot are Middle East.

-They're from Cyprus.

-Whatever.

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They all get trained in Afghanistan to hate our way of life.

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-Dad was trained in Acton to make garlic kebabs.

-Yeah. For terrorists.

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OK, next rule.

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Nothing haram happens in the house. That means no drinking. Next...

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WEBBY OPENS A CAN

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What, from now?

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Next rule.

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When the call to prayer sounds,

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all partying must stop at once in respectful silence.

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Hasn't it got, like, a snooze button?

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We cannot snooze Islam.

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It's like a design flaw.

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OK. Next...

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-nobody goes in the good room.

-What?!

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That was going to be arena two. Old school classics.

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Maybe some sexy slow jams!

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That room is a shrine to my mum's memory. OK?

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-But your mum's not dead.

-Well...

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Dead to my dad, innit, since she ran off with that guy from Abra Kebabra.

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OK. Next rule - no-one looks at my sister.

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Oh, sorry, I thought this was my front room

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but it appears to be the Middle Ages.

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Well, you should maybe consider dressing more respectfully.

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Amazing you're still a virgin, isn't it?

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Just for the record, I am not, so...

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Will you invite your fit friends?

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Please.

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Don't worry. They'll all be here...

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in full burqa.

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Oh, and by the way, you've got a nerve being all Taliban Gok Wan

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when you hang out with that.

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HE SNIGGERS

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Taliban Gok Wan!

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Just change them shorts!

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# I want your body Everybody wants your body

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# So let's jack

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# Let's jack

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# I want your body Everybody wants your body

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# So let's jack

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# Come on, let's jack

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# I want your body Everybody wants your body

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# So let's jack... #

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Yo, so when's everyone's trousers going to fall off for this orgy, man?

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Yo. Why you stressing?

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Oh, you're worried Nelson's going to turn up

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-and shoot you like blap, blap, blap!

-Nah...

-Rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr!

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I spoke to Bolts. Yaz just invited close friends.

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Weird how no-one we invited came.

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Look at these guys around Yaz - they're all, like, harder than me

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or richer than me.

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Where the beautiful girls with poor, weak friends at?

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Look, I know tonight's like your big chance.

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It's going to happen for you two.

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Quick question. What's your thoughts on threesomes?

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What you lot talking about?

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-EastEnders.

-Can you live inside a...whale?

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PHONE VIBRATES

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Oh, shit, it's Dad. It might be the restaurant alarm.

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I'm going to pull the plug on this party.

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Why don't you pull that daddy-shaped plug out your arse?

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S...sorry.

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Nah.

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I'm sorry. Maybe you're right.

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Maybe it's time the chilled me came out.

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Oi, no shoes in the house!

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-Fuck off!

-Or swearing!

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MUSIC: "Move Back" by Stylo G

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Webby, talk me through this.

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In case that girl from Nelson's turns up.

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-Can't remember what she looks like.

-Or if she's a wet dream.

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Yeah, but I reckon she was into my moves.

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So it's just a process of elimination,

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like a sex version of The Voice.

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-OK, good luck with that.

-Ay, yo, real talk o'clock.

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This trouble you got linking up with Yaz, yeah?

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Solution - be more like me.

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Why?!

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Raw sexual energy. You got to stop being weak with that girl.

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Step up, bring it.

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Dominate!

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Excuse me.

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This is my one shot.

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His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy,

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-there's vomit on his sweater...

-Yo, shut up, man!

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-Yaz, listen.

-Oh, my God.

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A load of black guys just turned up.

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I mean...

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the...scary kind.

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Huh!

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Nelson!

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Er, how was the journey?

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Two, three buses?

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-Don't shoot, man.

-Shoot?

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Bro, ain't no-one here got no gun.

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You and your little friends been playing way too much computer games, rude boy.

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No gun? Ah!

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Oh, man! You're right.

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I've been playing too much Grand Theft Auto, man, you know

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-the bit when you get...

-But!

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I'm going to punch you in the face until you cry like a little bitch.

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Oh, you all want to film? Yeah, wagwan, YouTube, what you sayin'?

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This yoof is about to get knocked out, rude boy!

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You said you and Nelson were cool. That's why I invited him,

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I thought you lot would be lonely, with no friends.

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Don't worry, this is very much just banter.

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Yo, bitch is about to die.

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Don't worry, it's cool, I've got this.

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..kittens - everything! Kill his fish, shit in his bath. Bad man.

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Fine!

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Me, you, outside!

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Oh, respect, fam. Therefore, honour.

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I'm not going to lie to you.

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My heart is beating so fast, the second I get outside,

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oh, I'm running.

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See you outside!

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In maybe like...

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30 seconds.

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Bad boy for life!

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Ahh!

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-Hey, Bolts, your dad's here.

-What?

-Your dad's here.

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Taliban Gok what?

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What's he talking about?

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(I think it's some kind of terror plot.)

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Papa...

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Look, Dad, I'm sorry

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but I think I'm old enough to be treated as a man now.

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And I personally made sure that everyone's been respectful.

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CLOCK PLAYS "CALL TO PRAYER"

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IT CUTS OUT

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Oh...

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Kind of killing the sex vibe in there.

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You're a single man nowadays, innit, Mr Yildiz,

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you're what I'm talking about.

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I'm sorry about the disturbance earlier,

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but I work well in a team and I'm goal-orientated.

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I think I could be an asset to your catering business.

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OK, maybe a bad time.

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Nice moustache, man!

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The boy can twerk.

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I'm...sorry about...

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-you know.

-What? Starting a fight in my house?

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Your mate exposing himself to my dad?

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OK, it's unhealthy to dwell on the past, yeah.

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You know, of all my brother's weird little mates,

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you're kind of all right.

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If you could just stop acting like a dick.

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THEY ARGUE

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Wait there.

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Mr Yildiz, wait.

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This was all my fault.

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I pushed Bolts into having this party.

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If anyone should get into trouble...

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..then it should be me.

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Then you're dead, you little prick!

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Yo, actually it was Bolts's fault. Sorry, Bolts, laters, peace!

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C... Come on, fam.

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Your dad will get over it.

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The good thing is, we've all learnt from this.

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SHOP BELL TINKLES Player!

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You're a disgrace.

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Yeah, it's true, Jazz, you did kind of disgrace yourself last night.

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What?! Me?

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Fam, you're the one who exposed your weird, white,

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wrinkly ball bag to the whole party.

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Jealousy's making you ugly right now, man.

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I bet you develop a sense of shame, of dignity.

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Is that Nelson? HE SHRIEKS

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No, my bad, it's someone else.

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Lucky for him, fam.

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What?

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