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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
Feed my funny! | 0:00:02 | 0:00:03 | |
Fresh, experimental comedy from BBC Three. | 0:00:03 | 0:00:05 | |
GANGSTA SOUND EFFECTS PLAY ON MOBILE PHONE | 0:00:16 | 0:00:19 | |
S to the A to the J to the ID! | 0:00:19 | 0:00:20 | |
Sajid in your face, uh-oh, uh-oh! Man, I bust a cap in your face! | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
Uh-oh, uh-oh! | 0:00:23 | 0:00:24 | |
And then I did a kick up your face! Uh-oh, uh-oh! | 0:00:24 | 0:00:26 | |
GUNSHOT, CAR TYRE SCREECHES | 0:00:26 | 0:00:28 | |
SOUND EFFECTS OFF | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
Sajid, it was shit when you were 13 and it's still shit now! | 0:00:30 | 0:00:34 | |
My lyrics are timeless. Still gangsta. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
TEXT MESSAGE ALERT | 0:00:36 | 0:00:37 | |
Ah, it's Auntie Fatima! SHOP BELL TINKLES | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
Sorry, do you do moustache wax? | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
ALL: No! | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
What's with all these new white boys round here? | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
Like my father says, the moustache cannot be grown. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
It must be earned. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
Oi, Webby, what did your mum do to earn her moustache? | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
A lot of steroids in the '80s. Oh, yeah, my mum texted me. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
She's cleaned the bolognaise off the TV, | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
so Grand Theft Auto's round mine tonight, yeah? | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
Again? | 0:01:03 | 0:01:04 | |
All we ever do is sit on your mum's stinky beanbag, | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
gunning down prostitutes. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
MEN GASP | 0:01:09 | 0:01:10 | |
-It's a game. -SHOP BELL TINKLES | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
Yo, we're shut...! | 0:01:12 | 0:01:14 | |
You really don't get a lot of women in here, do you? | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
Dad says you've got to fix the restaurant alarm. It broke again. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
What, Dad said that? Cool, I got this! | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
Try playing hard to get, he might like you more. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
THEY ALL LAUGH | 0:01:34 | 0:01:35 | |
CHILDISH VOICE: I love my daddy! | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
-A man should respect his father. -Sorry. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
I can't hear you with your dad's dick in your mouth! | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
OK. So, er, where are you going tonight, Yazmin? | 0:01:48 | 0:01:52 | |
You look...lovely. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
Nelson's party. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
-Nelson, yeah? -You know him? -Yeah, yeah, we go way back. | 0:01:56 | 0:02:00 | |
Yeah, he used to mug you at school. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:01 | |
Like, banter, it was banter mugging. Maybe see you there. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:06 | |
I thought we were killing prostitutes tonight. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
In a game. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:09 | |
-In a game. -This is why women don't come here much. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:14 | |
Why are you telling my sister you're going to Nelson's? | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
-We never go to those parties, and Nelson hates you. -Face your fears. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:26 | |
Plus your sister's banging. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:27 | |
Talk about my sister again and I'll snip it off. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:30 | |
And then Jay-Z said to Auntie Fatima, | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
"If anything, you're fitter than Beyonce. Will you marry me?" | 0:02:36 | 0:02:40 | |
You should marry Yaz tonight. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:42 | |
Oi, fly to Vegas, I'll be like the best man/emcee. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
What are you lot talking about? | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
-TOGETHER: -EastEnders. -Can a horse eat a bear? | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
Yo, Bolts, real talk o'clock, right? | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
I've been thinking about your dad. You do too much for that man. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:55 | |
You take a leaf out of my father's book. He just does his own thing. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
Webby, your dad sells meth to school kids. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
Yeah, like one time. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:02 | |
Oh, my days. A real party. With no aunties! | 0:03:02 | 0:03:07 | |
Listen, if Nelson answers, leave it to me. Yeah? He ain't no big deal. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:11 | |
He's, like, what, this tall anyway? | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
Yeah, yeah, small in body but big in that time | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
he bitch-slapped you in front of the whole netball team and you cried. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:20 | |
Thanks, man. Glad we had this. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
This big! | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
Ah... | 0:03:29 | 0:03:30 | |
Nelson. It's Jazzie from...from school. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
-Banter. -We're not going to just take that, right? | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
Nah, nah, nah, nah, but his boys are in there, right? | 0:03:50 | 0:03:53 | |
Because if it was me and Nelson, I would end that boy. Listen... | 0:03:53 | 0:03:57 | |
Don't he know I go gym, I will teach that pussy a lesson! | 0:03:57 | 0:04:01 | |
The lesson that we need to make | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
peace in the streets or forever be locked in a circle of violence. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:10 | |
Amen. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
-What you sayin', Jizzie? -Oi, you best back down, blud. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:17 | |
Cos you see, my man... | 0:04:17 | 0:04:18 | |
He's got a strap! | 0:04:20 | 0:04:21 | |
He's got a gun?! You brought that here? My grandmother's asleep, bruv! | 0:04:21 | 0:04:27 | |
You're a dead man! | 0:04:27 | 0:04:28 | |
There's no shame in running away. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
-And hiding in a wheelie bin. -Look, how do I know you don't have a gun? | 0:04:36 | 0:04:39 | |
Because we've never even seen a gun. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
My cousin knows the guy that shot Bin Laden. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
Or maybe it's the other one. Gandhi? | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
No, Gaddafi. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:47 | |
Wait. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:48 | |
Gandalf. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
Where did you disappear to last night? | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
And why the fuck are you wearing them dotty shorts? | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
Don't know. Must have left my trousers at the party. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
Most likely, right, pulled the sexiest girl there, | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
she kept them as a trophy. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
You sure you didn't just get drunk, lose your trousers | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
and have a wet dream again? | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
Yeah! Like, like 70, 80% sure. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
-Wait, you got into Nelson's? Did he say anything about me? -..Nah. -Nah? | 0:05:09 | 0:05:15 | |
Nah. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:16 | |
-Actually, yeah, he said he wants to kill you. -Oh, shit! | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
-Mum said she'd buy me a suit if I had to go to a funeral. -Nice. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
What kind of kill me? Like angry text message kind of kill me | 0:05:22 | 0:05:25 | |
or Crimewatch UK kind of kill me? | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
Just chill out, man. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:29 | |
Nelson lives two or three buses away. That's, like, £5.20 | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
on the Oyster card. You ain't worth that. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
Also, if you're in a different postcode, | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
he can't legally shoot you dead. Trust, I know the law of the streets. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
I think they did a thing on it on The One Show. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
From now on, forget those parties. They're for kids. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:45 | |
My sister's little crew love them. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
Always hooking up with the hosts, like, "Let me suck your dick," | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
Just cos he threw a party, like. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
Pathetic! | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
Wait... | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
No, no, no, no, no. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:57 | |
OK. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
I have considered your arguments. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
Jazzie, I agree, there comes a time to step out from our | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
fathers' angry shadow and show the responsibility of hosting a party. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:21 | |
And Sajid... | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
-I'm choosing to ignore your comments concerning my sister's honour. -What? | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
All I said was, if your sister brings her fit mates, | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
then statistically an orgy is... | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
Do you want me to punch you in the dick again? | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
-I do not. -OK! | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
So, I have decided in my father's absence, we can have the party here. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:44 | |
Yes! | 0:06:44 | 0:06:45 | |
Rule one - nothing precious or holy in this house can be exposed | 0:06:45 | 0:06:50 | |
to sin, and we are covering it all up. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
Swear down, this Muslim stuff is scary. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
-Sajid, your whole family are Muslim. -Yeah, but we're Pakistani, innit? | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
-Your lot are Middle East. -They're from Cyprus. -Whatever. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
They all get trained in Afghanistan to hate our way of life. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:03 | |
-Dad was trained in Acton to make garlic kebabs. -Yeah. For terrorists. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:07 | |
OK, next rule. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
Nothing haram happens in the house. That means no drinking. Next... | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
WEBBY OPENS A CAN | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
What, from now? | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
Next rule. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
When the call to prayer sounds, | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
all partying must stop at once in respectful silence. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
Hasn't it got, like, a snooze button? | 0:07:27 | 0:07:30 | |
We cannot snooze Islam. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
It's like a design flaw. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:33 | |
OK. Next... | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
-nobody goes in the good room. -What?! | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
That was going to be arena two. Old school classics. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:44 | |
Maybe some sexy slow jams! | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
That room is a shrine to my mum's memory. OK? | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
-But your mum's not dead. -Well... | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
Dead to my dad, innit, since she ran off with that guy from Abra Kebabra. | 0:07:55 | 0:08:00 | |
OK. Next rule - no-one looks at my sister. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:04 | |
Oh, sorry, I thought this was my front room | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
but it appears to be the Middle Ages. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:10 | |
Well, you should maybe consider dressing more respectfully. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
Amazing you're still a virgin, isn't it? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Just for the record, I am not, so... | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
Will you invite your fit friends? | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
Please. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
Don't worry. They'll all be here... | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
in full burqa. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:25 | |
Oh, and by the way, you've got a nerve being all Taliban Gok Wan | 0:08:25 | 0:08:30 | |
when you hang out with that. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:31 | |
HE SNIGGERS | 0:08:31 | 0:08:32 | |
Taliban Gok Wan! | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
Just change them shorts! | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
# I want your body Everybody wants your body | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
# So let's jack | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
# Let's jack | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
# I want your body Everybody wants your body | 0:08:44 | 0:08:47 | |
# So let's jack | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
# Come on, let's jack | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
# I want your body Everybody wants your body | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
# So let's jack... # | 0:08:55 | 0:08:56 | |
Yo, so when's everyone's trousers going to fall off for this orgy, man? | 0:08:58 | 0:09:02 | |
Yo. Why you stressing? | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
Oh, you're worried Nelson's going to turn up | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
-and shoot you like blap, blap, blap! -Nah... -Rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr! | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
I spoke to Bolts. Yaz just invited close friends. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
Weird how no-one we invited came. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
Look at these guys around Yaz - they're all, like, harder than me | 0:09:17 | 0:09:21 | |
or richer than me. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:24 | |
Where the beautiful girls with poor, weak friends at? | 0:09:24 | 0:09:27 | |
Look, I know tonight's like your big chance. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
It's going to happen for you two. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
Quick question. What's your thoughts on threesomes? | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
What you lot talking about? | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
-EastEnders. -Can you live inside a...whale? | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
PHONE VIBRATES | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
Oh, shit, it's Dad. It might be the restaurant alarm. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
I'm going to pull the plug on this party. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:44 | |
Why don't you pull that daddy-shaped plug out your arse? | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
S...sorry. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
Nah. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
I'm sorry. Maybe you're right. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
Maybe it's time the chilled me came out. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:01 | |
Oi, no shoes in the house! | 0:10:01 | 0:10:02 | |
-Fuck off! -Or swearing! | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
MUSIC: "Move Back" by Stylo G | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
Webby, talk me through this. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:18 | |
In case that girl from Nelson's turns up. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
-Can't remember what she looks like. -Or if she's a wet dream. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
Yeah, but I reckon she was into my moves. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
So it's just a process of elimination, | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
like a sex version of The Voice. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
-OK, good luck with that. -Ay, yo, real talk o'clock. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:37 | |
This trouble you got linking up with Yaz, yeah? | 0:10:37 | 0:10:39 | |
Solution - be more like me. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
Why?! | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
Raw sexual energy. You got to stop being weak with that girl. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:50 | |
Step up, bring it. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
Dominate! | 0:10:52 | 0:10:53 | |
Excuse me. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
This is my one shot. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
-there's vomit on his sweater... -Yo, shut up, man! | 0:11:09 | 0:11:11 | |
-Yaz, listen. -Oh, my God. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
A load of black guys just turned up. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
I mean... | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
the...scary kind. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
Huh! | 0:11:38 | 0:11:39 | |
Nelson! | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Er, how was the journey? | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
Two, three buses? | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
-Don't shoot, man. -Shoot? | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
Bro, ain't no-one here got no gun. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
You and your little friends been playing way too much computer games, rude boy. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
No gun? Ah! | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
Oh, man! You're right. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
I've been playing too much Grand Theft Auto, man, you know | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
-the bit when you get... -But! | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
I'm going to punch you in the face until you cry like a little bitch. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:09 | |
Oh, you all want to film? Yeah, wagwan, YouTube, what you sayin'? | 0:12:09 | 0:12:12 | |
This yoof is about to get knocked out, rude boy! | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
You said you and Nelson were cool. That's why I invited him, | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
I thought you lot would be lonely, with no friends. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
Don't worry, this is very much just banter. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
Yo, bitch is about to die. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:24 | |
Don't worry, it's cool, I've got this. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
..kittens - everything! Kill his fish, shit in his bath. Bad man. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
Fine! | 0:12:35 | 0:12:36 | |
Me, you, outside! | 0:12:36 | 0:12:40 | |
Oh, respect, fam. Therefore, honour. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:46 | |
I'm not going to lie to you. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
My heart is beating so fast, the second I get outside, | 0:12:48 | 0:12:51 | |
oh, I'm running. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
See you outside! | 0:12:56 | 0:12:57 | |
In maybe like... | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
30 seconds. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:02 | |
Bad boy for life! | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
Ahh! | 0:13:05 | 0:13:06 | |
-Hey, Bolts, your dad's here. -What? -Your dad's here. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
Taliban Gok what? | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
What's he talking about? | 0:13:29 | 0:13:30 | |
(I think it's some kind of terror plot.) | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
Papa... | 0:13:34 | 0:13:35 | |
Look, Dad, I'm sorry | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
but I think I'm old enough to be treated as a man now. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
And I personally made sure that everyone's been respectful. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
CLOCK PLAYS "CALL TO PRAYER" | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
IT CUTS OUT | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
Oh... | 0:14:04 | 0:14:05 | |
Kind of killing the sex vibe in there. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
You're a single man nowadays, innit, Mr Yildiz, | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
you're what I'm talking about. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
I'm sorry about the disturbance earlier, | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
but I work well in a team and I'm goal-orientated. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:32 | |
I think I could be an asset to your catering business. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
OK, maybe a bad time. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
Nice moustache, man! | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
The boy can twerk. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
I'm...sorry about... | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
-you know. -What? Starting a fight in my house? | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
Your mate exposing himself to my dad? | 0:14:57 | 0:15:00 | |
OK, it's unhealthy to dwell on the past, yeah. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
You know, of all my brother's weird little mates, | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
you're kind of all right. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
If you could just stop acting like a dick. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
THEY ARGUE | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
Wait there. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:17 | |
Mr Yildiz, wait. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
This was all my fault. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
I pushed Bolts into having this party. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
If anyone should get into trouble... | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
..then it should be me. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:43 | |
Then you're dead, you little prick! | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
Yo, actually it was Bolts's fault. Sorry, Bolts, laters, peace! | 0:15:47 | 0:15:51 | |
C... Come on, fam. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
Your dad will get over it. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
The good thing is, we've all learnt from this. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
SHOP BELL TINKLES Player! | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
You're a disgrace. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
Yeah, it's true, Jazz, you did kind of disgrace yourself last night. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
What?! Me? | 0:16:11 | 0:16:12 | |
Fam, you're the one who exposed your weird, white, | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
wrinkly ball bag to the whole party. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
Jealousy's making you ugly right now, man. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
I bet you develop a sense of shame, of dignity. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
Is that Nelson? HE SHRIEKS | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
No, my bad, it's someone else. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
Lucky for him, fam. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:29 | |
What? | 0:16:34 | 0:16:35 |