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HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

Morning. I've got some good news and I got some bad news.

- Morning, Perry. - Oh, hello, I'm Hardip.

What's with this kid?

How comes he never remembers my name?

- We actually think he's face blind. - That's not a thing.

It is a thing. It said so on the internet

and that is 80% right half of the time.

I'm actually quite impressed, Hardip.

In all the time you've been Jake's newsreader,

this is the first time I've actually seen you read a paper.

He's not reading. He's currently halfway through

a brand-new game called Cocks on Heads and Farts on Arses.

Oh, God, not her, she's gone missing.

I'm not surprised she's gone missing with a big cock on her forehead

and a fart coming out of her arse.

Why do you hold on to this schmuck?

- Me and Jake are mates. - Jake and I.

He does have a lovely speaking voice.

And, between you and me, he doesn't mind working Christmas.

Oh, I get it. Tick-tick, box-box.

Anyway, what's your good news?

Lincoln Jones is dead.

- What? - He died an hour ago.

Live on air.

How is that good news?

He's given you a golden opportunity to inherit his radio show.

Perry, I think an appropriate period of mourning should be,

well, at least a morning.

Jakey, Jakey. This is a blessing in disguise.

It's a pretty good disguise.

- So what's the bad news then? - What do you mean?

You said you had good news and bad news.

That's just some bollocks agents say.

I don't know, it's bad for him, he's dead.

- It's bad for old Wilf. - Who's Wilf?

His missus. Widow...I'd...Like...

Fine.

You know the phrase, "It's what he would have wanted"?

Well, this is definitely not what he would have wanted.

This is your big chance. Do you want this breakfast show or not?

No way. I like my little late-night home.

I can play the music I like, no prank calls, silly voices,

meaningless catchphrases, posse of sycophants, no.

I'd rather be buried alive.

With Lincoln Jones.

JAKE: Lincoln Jones was a legend.

Who can forget his innovative pranks, his infectious catchphrases

and of course... the definitive posse?

Martin Silly Voice, Flatulent Sarah.

And The Egg. To Lincoln.

ALL: To Lincoln.

WHISTLES

- Oh! - I told you, didn't I?

A little bit of widow works wonders on a girl.

I hope you didn't put that in the card.

No, no, no.

You would, though, wouldn't you?

Well, yes, if she hadn't just lost her husband.

She's lovely, she always has been. Remember that band she was in?

That video is still my go-to on safe search.

Yeah, I tell you something,

you know she's got a little bit of a thing for breakfast show hosts?

I said no and I meant it.

That was before I really started to persuade you.

Listen, I could wangle you a family fuck bucket-sized deal from this.

I don't want a family fuck bucket.

Who doesn't want a family fuck bucket?

I don't want a family fuck bucket! And stop saying it, it's disgusting.

# What the fun! What the fun!

# Big Shane

# What The Fun FM. #

'Wakey-wakey, you lazy bar snack.'

Was that What The Fun FM?

'..But he says he once ate a slice of pizza at the zoo.

'What was it, a zebra-oni? What other pizzas might you find in a zoo?

'What about a...'

Oh, come on, Marga-cheetah.

Oh, that's a good one.

'What about Margo-rhinoceros.'

- That's a better one. - How is that better?

- He said it in a silly voice. - It's an accent, he's Australian.

'Pancakes in a mental institute one minute, pizzas in a zoo the next...'

How can you do a show like that?

You did the right thing not to go for the breakfast show.

How do you mean?

Well, no-one stands a chance against Big Shane, do they?

He's just, you know...fun.

Fun? I'm fun.

Yeah...

'Cross the night with Jake Cross.

'Completely Radio.'

Right, let's have a listen to this.

It's brand new from a band called Bipolar Sunshine.

Then Hardip will be here with the news and then later in the show

we have Ryan Gosling taking part in the A-List Playlist.

Oh, and just for a bit of fun,

let me know the craziest place you've ever eaten a pizza.

Why are you stealing Big Shane's idea?

I'm not stealing it, I'm being ironic.

Oh, my God, there's breaking news. Chemical plant has blown up in India.

Mum...

I thought your mum lived in Watford.

What? Yes, she does, it's just these words are stressing me out.

- Mum... - Mumbai.

Mum-bai.

Like a low-rent supermarket. KNOCKING

Thanks, Jake.

Oh, God, now what? Another crisis looms.

You know, I find I have to talent manage HER.

I'm supposed to be the twat,

the presenter is supposed to be the twat, not the producer.

I want to be the twat!

What? What?

- Why can't I be the twat? - Maybe her dog died.

It probably killed itself.

- 'Deep News. - With Hardip Benson.'

It's 11 o'clock.

Here is the latest Completely Radio news.

There's been a gas explosion at a chemical plant

in the Indian city of Mum-bai.

BANGS TABLE AND SOBS

Oh, God, Jake! Bloody disaster!

Harry Stiles finally unfollowed you?

No, it's not that.

- Blocked? - No, Jake.

It's Ryan Gosling.

He's not going to make it.

Do you mean to the show? Or had a terrible accident?

It's just so sad, you know...

When I spoke to his manager's assistant's PA's intern on the phone,

I just felt like Ryan and I had this connection.

Stupid, I know! He's with someone.

A movie star girlfriend is certainly an obstacle.

- You never know. - Although, if he has a fetish

for blind optimism from a divorcee

who owns a One Direction pencil case, then you are in with a shout.

Do you think?

- Mm. - Oh, thank you, Jake.

I know you're only saying it to make me feel better,

but I really appreciate that.

- That's nice. - Waste of bloody paper!

OK, that's it for another night.

Apologies to those of you who tuned in to hear Ryan Gosling,

but he was unable to make it.

It says here, "Due to prior commitments."

See you same time tomorrow night.

- 'Jake Cross. - Crossing off the night.'

Wait, THE Commitments?

Ryan Gosling blew me out for the "The Commitments",

the musical about a shit Irish cover band?

- Yeah. - Oh!

Hiya.

Another one for the collection.

All right? All right, Ian?

Actually, it's Jake now. I've changed it.

OK, that's absolutely not weird at all.

- Morning, ladies. - How did you get in?

- I've got some keys. - Who's this?

- Morning, fish brain. - How have you got keys?

Your cleaner. I fucked her.

But she's so lovely and sweet.

And...old.

Yeah, it wasn't a good one for me, if I'm honest.

- Oh, I'll pass on your feedback. - Also, you need a new bog brush.

- You didn't? - No, no, no,

Gabriella isn't into all that.

Different generation, I guess.

But she just told me to tell you. Right, down to business.

- Oh, no, now what? - You, sir...are welcome.

You are now the proud owner of the Completely Radio breakfast show.

That's strange.

I seem to remember asking for the exact opposite of that.

Yeah, I know. And I thought, hang a trout,

he doesn't know what he's saying no to. So what did I do?

I got you a two-week trial period starting Friday.

If after two weeks you say no, I'll take the hint,

and never mention it again. Scouts' honour.

The answer is no. What part of no don't you understand?

Listen, you've got to trust me, Jake. This is what I do.

Me and you go back a long way.

And I've never let you down yet.

# Completely Breakfast Show

# With Jake Cross. #

OK, a special treat for you now.

Not normally allowed on the breakfast show,

but a band I absolutely love called Bipolar Sunshine.

And coming up next we have our special guest, Ryan Gosling,

as in actually in the building.

Fantastic, Jake, really nice, man, sounding great.

- Er, about Ryan Gosling. - Oh, has he pulled out?

No, no, he's here. I just wanted to give you the interview notes.

Oh, OK. Great. Thank you very much.

Did you not like your breakfast banquet?

No, no, I loved it. It's just I'm not Henry VIII, that's all.

- Wow! - What?

Oh, nothing, we just don't get many historical references around here.

OK. Can I ask you a question?

- Of course. - About the costume.

Are you wearing that in honour of Lincoln Jones?

Or are you, you know...weird?

Oh, no, this is for Hardip.

- So we can recognise me. - Of course, face blind.

- Oh, this came for you earlier. - Oh, invitation.

Yeah, to the Soho Apple Yard.

More of a pear kind of guy, to be honest.

No, no, it's like THE coolest place in town.

I know. Not really interested in another celebrity wankerthon

with people who aren't friends pretending to be friends. No, thanks.

OK, cool, I'll just let Mr Gosling know.

Er, Mr Gosling?

Sorry, is it for tonight?

# Oh, let's make it unmissable

# Make it unmissable

# Oh, let's make it unmissable... #

Oi, you poof!

Ah-ha-ha! You turned around, so the rumours are true.

Oh! G'day, Big Shane, you flamin' galah! Always a pleasure.

And always that joke.

Look, sit down, let's have a convo, park your arse.

- Why do you hate me, mate? - Cheese!

- What have I ever done to you? - I don't hate you.

Yeah, but you're just constantly giving me niggle.

- That's not true. - It is, it's all,

g'day this, and you flamin' galah that.

- What's so bad about that? - I'm not Australian.

- What? - I'm a fucking Kiwi!

Oh, my God, Big Shane.

Australia? I spent my gap year in Sydney.

Oh-ho, the Windy City, it's my home town.

- Come meet my friends. - I would love to meet your friends.

Windy city?

I'll catch you in a little bit, mate,

I'm just going to get the old didgeridoo blown,

or as I like to call it, the didgericock.

Yeah, definitely hate him.

Good morning, Mr Party.

Hey, here I am, the ledge.

- You - all over the papers. - Am I? Let's have a look.

Jake Cross, temporary host of the Completely Radio breakfast show

certainly knows how to make the most of his evenings off

as he parties with rocking Gosling

and mystery women at the Soho Apple Yard.

Not really me, is it?

Yeah, it is. Look, you - the lanky one.

No, I don't mean...

Oh, thanks for drawing a cock on my head, by the way.

And a fart on her arse.

Hello.

And you're trending on Twitter.

Do you think I could do the breakfast show full time?

Would it mean there were fit girls in the kitchen more often?

Do it on my own terms, you know. Keep the integrity, don't dumb down.

Dumb up, if anything. I'm going to go in and work on a master plan.

See you.

Perry, it's Jake.

Give me a call back, I need to talk to you about breakfast. I'm in.

- Oh, hello. - Hi, Jake.

What are you doing here?

You know, widow stuff.

- A pain in the arse, all this. - Yeah, I can imagine.

Well, I mean, I can't imagine being a widow, but...

nobody said it was easy.

And time will fix you, I'm sure.

Jake, don't do that, stop being weird.

I've had four days of people talking to me like that.

I feel like I'm stuck in a fucking Coldplay album. Just be normal.

Er, you can't do that in here.

I can do what I like, I'm grieving.

Yeah, but when we get to the top, they're going to go...

OK, that's normal.

I've been meaning to talk to you, actually.

Really? What about?

What the fuck are you doing

fannying around with Ryan Gosling at the Apple Yard?

Oh, I'm just having a bit of a blowout.

Really enjoying doing the breakfast show.

Actually, I might go for it full time.

Why?

Because of the fannying around and the Ryan Gosling fun.

For God's sake, Jake,

you're one of the few people left with a bit of integrity.

Don't fall in with those wankers.

Yeah, but Lincoln did the breakfast show.

He hated it. He hated it so much that he died.

But it wasn't specifically that, though.

In a way, yes, it was.

He started off thinking that it was the best thing ever.

Everyone else was like, "It's the best thing ever."

But when it came to it, it turned out to be

an overhyped, hollow bag of shit. Just like Breaking Bad.

Whoa, Breaking Bad is brilliant.

You're wrong. And I've just lost my husband, so shut your face.

Look, I'm just saying,

you're on to a really good thing here with your evening show.

It's funny, good new music, and guess who aren't morons?

I love listening to it. Lincoln loved listening to it.

Really? I had no idea.

Yeah, he was so jealous that you got to do what he wanted

whilst he was stuck there interviewing, in his words,

"a bottomless barrel of bell-ends."

It's all the same with those happy daytime shows.

Don't even get me started on the brunch show.

A meal wankers eat and a show wankers listen to.

Just think carefully about what you want, Jake. You're a good guy.

And you look really nice in that jacket too.

Perry? It's Jake again. Why won't you answer your phone?

Look, forget my earlier message, I have my principles,

my integrity, my loyal fans, and I don't want to pander to the idiots.

So fuck fame, fuck money, fuck Ryan Gosling, fuck your bucket.

I don't want to leave my show.

And to make sure I don't change my mind again,

I'm going to draw a line under this.

The leaders are currently six points clear at the top of the table,

but will be without their star striker as he sustained

an ankle injury, ruling him out for the rest of the season.

One more bit of breaking news, guys. Hello, Jake Cross here.

Just wanted to make a little statement about the breakfast show.

I've really enjoyed doing it and thank you for your feedback,

it has been brilliant.

But if I'm being honest with myself, it's not really for me,

I prefer real music, real people, real radio.

But don't worry, you can still catch me on my late-night show.

Thank you for listening, that's the end of my statement.

Um, and our final story is that earlier today,

Completely Radio bosses agreed terms for our new breakfast

show host to bring the sunshine back to early mornings.

Our newest signing... Well, I'll let him introduce himself...

G'day, you clucking Mother Hubbards!

I've switched sides. Not like that, ladies, calm down!

It's Big Shane and I'm still in the game

and the future starts on Monday at the crack of dawn!

Cor, that was embarrassing.

I'm really sorry you had to find out like this.

You knew about this?

Why do you never answer your phone? You never answer your fucking phone!

Hey, I'm your agent, it's my job to protect you from bad news.

I mean...technically speaking, this isn't actually bad news.

Stop putting a positive spin on everything,

you're worse than Goebbels!

Hey, you left a message on my phone saying you didn't want the job.

I didn't! Not until Crocodile Dundee got it, from Twat FM.

He is everything I hate about everything.

He's actually very funny, all Australians are...

He's from New Zealand!

And I hate that I know that.

Come 'ere, ya massive dingo!

Bring it back in - boom! High-five!

- This guy! - You two know each other?

Yeah! Best bloody agent a bloody bloke could bloody well have!

- You? - What did you say

you'd hook me up with, what was it? A family sized butt-fucker of a deal!

It's a family fuck-bucket.

Well, anyway, I'm still getting paid more than a City whore on bonus day.

Perry, a word. "Trust me", you said - "I've got your back", you said.

"I ain't never let you down."

Yet. I did say "yet".

Great. Nice small point.

Listen, in these situations, it just makes sense to have

two horses in the same race.

That's the business, my love. And you're welcome, by the way.

I've only gone and landed you a brand-new show.

New show?

The bosses here were so happy with what you did with the breakfast show,

they're putting you on daytime.

- Oh, God - no. - Yay, I missed you, brud!

MAN 1: Munch your brunch...

WOMAN: ..with Jake Cross...

MAN 2: ..on Completely Radio FM.

MAN 1: It's your hot cross brunch...

MAN 2: ..coffee and croissants...

WOMAN WHISPERS: ..with Jake Cross.

MAN 2: Wouldn't you like Jake Cross to munch your brunch?