Sunny D Comedy Feeds

Fresh, experimental comedy from BBC Three.

# I bet the neighbours know my name

# Way you screamin', scratchin' Yellin'

# Bet the neighbours know my name

# They be stressin' while we sexin'

# I bet the neighbours know my name

# My name, my name

# I bet the neighbours know my name

# My, my, my... #

Where have you put my starch?

Doesn't anyone knock around here?

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in and shitted on the carpet.

This isn't your carpet.

- This isn't your house. - This isn't YOUR house.

I don't see your name on the mortgage either, Kadean.

There's nothing for you in here -

just like the salad selection of a menu.

Dad, Dane's calling me fat!

Don't call her fat, Dane.

I only came in here for my starch.

And to check that you were OK, sweetheart.

Because, frankly, he was a late bloomer,

so, I'd be surprised if he met your needs.

KADEAN LAUGHS

Are you people serious?

Have you even ironed this?

How are you going to get anywhere at work with these creases?

GUNSHOT

I was just offering to iron it.

And I told her no. I don't need my girlfriend to iron my shirts for me.

As far as I'm concerned, if you can't iron a shirt properly,

how are you going to satisfy a woman?

SHE GAGS

I can satisfy women, Mother.

I can satisfy A woman.

Just the one. So...

I'll be going now.

Bye, Mrs Mackenzie.

- Bye, Kadean. - Mm.

Oh, bye, Dane.

Good luck with the appraisal.

Fingers crossed.

Don't cross your fingers! I don't care about this appraisal!

I hope you're being careful, Dane.

I'm careful, Mother.

I've seen you almost go out without your shoes on before.

And you always leave the light on.

Do you realise I'm nearly 30?

Do you realise you still live here?

Do you realise you're adopted?

Do you realise we're twins, fool?

That's what they want you to think.

Meanwhile, there are two rhinos

crying on a wildlife reserve somewhere.

Bitch.

Argh!

As long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster.

Or a Transformer...

or a ninja...

or Knight Rider.

I wanted to be a lot of things.

But I'm none of those things.

I'm a 29-year-old man who still lives with his parents.

I don't want to make this look like a social network status...

Not looking forward to work on Monday - LOLZ!

But here goes.

My name is Dane, and I'm an account manager in an office.

APPLAUSE Save your applause.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind me it's not a dream.

As in, sometimes I have to pinch my own balls

so I can stay awake through this bullshit as a nine to five.

This is my mother.

Earth goddess. Nit-picker.

This is the first woman I was never able to satisfy -

and still can't, to this day.

# Maybe you're just like my mother. #

That represents half of all my pocket money,

birthday money and childhood Christmas presents.

We had to share everything.

Relatives, McNuggets...

You say I'm a twin - I say I was born divorced.

This definitely isn't Disney.

Hey, Brad - I got a date with Tiffany.

but I don't want to go.

That blows, Chad. I've got a science mid-term, but I have to study.

I've got a great idea - why don't we swap places?

No-one will ever know!

Yeah!

# All the small things... #

There were no hilarious swapping antics -

she and I just got the same cheap shit in pink and blue.

PSYCHO VIOLIN STABS

My dad.

MUSIC: O Fortuna by Carl Orff

Father, philosopher, feeder.

He made me the man I am today.

He's kind of wondering what happened with that.

Families can barely afford a house, but they want to tax your bedroom.

Foolishness.

Dad, do you ever feel like your life is going nowhere?

Mine...

or yours?

I've got this appraisal coming up at work.

It's making me feel kind of trapped.

I feel like other people are making my life decisions for me.

You see this armchair?

Sometimes life involves a bit of hardship and suffering.

It take a tough hide... WHIP CRACKS

..to deal with it.

You know what kind of service industry they had

when I was your age, Dane?

National.

So, I'm going for this appraisal at work,

so I could potentially get a promotion.

For what?

Longer working hours, a slight increase in pay

that'll be totally irrelevant after tax.

We shouldn't have to do this.

We shouldn't have to do this!

We shouldn't have to be packed like sardines to go to a job

to tread water economically and bottom-feed socially as wage slaves.

MUSIC: Jerusalem Is that why I'm doing this?

Is that why I'm here?

MUSIC STOPS

PHONE VIBRATES

# Every day I'm hustlin'

# Every day I'm hustlin'

# Every day I'm... Every day I'm...

# Every day I'm hustlin'. #

I wonder if most of us can remember the point

at which we suffocate our dreams

and accept the reality of working in a depressing job.

I want to be a personal assistant, to make someone else's job easier.

I want to be a project manager,

so I can hide behind an ambiguous job title.

I wanted to be an astronaut.

How did I get here?

PHONE BEEPS

EXPLOSION

Who am I?

What?

Who...am...I?

GUNSHOT

GUNSHOT

RICOCHET

My manager.

Alan Shearer!

England versus San Marino, 1996!

No, you see, I'm more of a captain - and you, you are on the bench.

But don't worry - you'll be moving up to the first team soon.

Excellent.

You know who you remind me of?

Mario Balotelli.

How so?

Oh, come on, Dano - you know.

Banter!

Urrrgh!

You'll know this - why does Balotelli keep switching teams?

I don't know.

Will Kanye West stay with Kim?

I don't know.

ALL: Dane, Dane!

Can you explain the difference between twerk and swag?

And is bling still a thing?

ALL: Dane, Dane!

How do black people show up in X-rays?

I will not be a spokesperson for diversity.

This is what happens

when you allow your only ethnic role models to exist

in sports and entertainment - but since you ask,

Mario Balotelli was adopted, so he may be prone to erratic behaviour.

I wasn't present at Kim and Kanye's wedding.

Nor am I a collaborator on his album.

And before you ask...

I don't know anything about Obama's policies, OK?

He's the black president, not the president of black people.

And we're black people, not ThunderCats -

he doesn't go into the White House and go...

"Black people, black people, black people, ho!"

and we all start running.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

It's appraisal time, Big Dizzle.

Dizzle?

Yeah, like Snoop Doggy Dogg, man.

HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS For shizzle.

Right, let's crack on with the formalities.

Get these hoops jumped, and this time next year you - YOU -

could be looking at senior account manager.

That's the dream.

All in the game, mate.

Right.

Right.

Would you say that you have a passion for excellent customer service?

Yeah, sure.

Go on.

What?

Well, say it!

I have a passion for excellent customer service.

Good, yes.

So, if you were a drink, what would you be?

Um...I'm not sure.

Let's say concentrated OJ,

because of your Simps... Focus.

Right, would you say you were a brand ambassador for the company?

Spearheading its values of innovation and content delivery?

I'm a brand ambassador for...

- Wait. - What?

I'm afraid I can't do this.

I'm sorry, I'm not with you, Dano.

I heard you speaking to the director today.

Yes, mate.

You have to get in...with the gaffer to let him know that you...

..are on his toes.

You asked him what he was doing for lunch.

He said he might get a sandwich.

And you said...

Sure thing, boss.

What would you like? Subway? Pret? Greggs?

I could run out, if you want - because I can.

It's no problem.

Do you want MY sandwich?

Really, Steve, is that what it takes?

Not only do they want my time, my youth,

but now they want the food in my mouth.

No way.

Number one, this is my life,

and number two, this is my chicken breast with barbecue

and honey mustard with extra lettuce and avocado, on a hearty Italian sub,

and I'm keeping them both.

And you - this is not a pitch.

We are not playing football.

You are not a coach.

This is work. We are working.

I am so tired of hearing corporate shit,

like, "Let's get this done by the end of play."

This is not a game. I'm not on a hundred grand a week.

Did you get an endorsement deal from Pret or Greggs?

Cos I didn't, Steve!

Sandwiches aren't free, and I paid for mine,

and neither you nor the gaffer is having it.

And that's it for me.

Today's the day.

This is my sandwich.

HE SIGHS

Classic Balotelli.

What have I done?

So, what did you want to tell me?

Did you get the promotion?

Don't worry about that.

Um, how was your day?

I changed three catheters today.

I'm literally taking the piss out of other people.

That's kind of what you do.

Good one. Um...

I kind of made a decision.

Thing is...

He's lost his job.

Kinda walked out.

Can you let me tell it in my own words, please?

I lost my job.

I kind of walked out.

So...

Firstly, I am so proud of this big step that you've taken.

And secondly, I'm not lending you any money.

This isn't about money - this is about me doing something meaningful.

Have you heard of kundalini?

No.

It's where you see the dream, you fuel your goals with energy.

It's what I do every day.

After breakfast.

Yes, Sam, congratulations to you for achieving your dream so early.

- Happiness is the goal. - Great.

Success is the key.

Good.

- I agree with Sam. - Do you, Nicola?

Cos it looked like he just said some words and you just nodded your head.

Listen to me. Do you know how hard it is for people to leave their jobs?

Nobody does that.

This is a great day for you.

You're right.

This is a great day.

Now go tell your dad.

I can't tell my dad!

Dane...

Rolling stone gathers no moss.

I don't even know what that means.

I'm not going by myself.

All right, dole scum?

How do you know?!

It's that twin psychic thing,

where they both know what the other one is...

I texted her.

- Ah. - You need to shut your mouth.

If I want your opinion, I'll look down the toilet.

I'm not the one going to work security at Spearmint Giro.

Save your hostility for whoever keeps feeding your fat arse Krispy Kremes.

- Daddy, tell him! - Go on, Dane.

Dad...

Dane.

Are you busy?

No.

Cos I can come back, you know, if you're...

Dad, I've got something to say.

I'm tired of being treated like a sheep, Dad.

A cog in the corporate machine.

I can't keep greasing the wheels of this bandwagon

that's leading us to capitalist oblivion.

I'm not cut out for a nine to five.

I can't thrive in that environment. I'm meant for something else.

I know it.

That's how the conversation looked to me.

But to my dad, the conversation looked a little something like this.

I have dreams, Daddy.

# Fame

# I'm gonna live for ever

# I'm gonna learn how to fly

# I feel it coming together

# People will see me and cry. #

So...

What are you telling me, exactly?

I can tell you!

Mum, I told you not to answer my phone any more!

Dane isn't an account manager any more.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

He's a senior account manager! He's been promoted!

What?

STEVE: 'Welcome to the first team, Mario.

'I like your passion.'

- Congratulations, Dane. - But...

For a minute, there, I thought you were telling me that you'd quit.

Nicola?

Congratulations?

Who'd have thought it? My Dane, senior account manager!

I've got something senior you can manage.

I hope you can manage to keep your fat fingers out the fridge!

You can't talk like that any more, Dane.

Not now you're senior account manager!

As long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster.

But gangsters don't tend to be living with their parents.

So, I'm going to have to become a Transformer.

Or at least transform this current shit into a dream.

Because I can't do this for the rest of my life.

Something has got to change.

Knob.

# Good morning

# Good morning

# Good morning

# Good morning. #