Radges Comedy Feeds

Fresh, experimental comedy from BBC Three.

So, the school says it doesn't matter if it doesn't suit her face shape,

you can't cut another pupil's hair without their permission.

It's, like, you try and do something nice for people

and they throw it back in your face.

So, without even asking,

he chucked me in here with a load of nutters and weirdos!

Er, is that language helpful, I wonder?

Mainstream education isn't for everyone,

but that doesn't mean our little group are all weirdos.

I love jellybeans. I like to draw pictures of them.

Why do we have to wear these crap stickers, then?

Ah-ah-ah-ah, that's not an Elmswood word now, is it?

What isn't? "Crap"?

Crap's a swearword now? What the fuck?!

Any word is a swearword when you say it with anger in your heart.

That was fucking beautiful.

Right, can everyone please just stop swearing?

- I don't like the word "fucker". - "Crap" is not a fucking swearword!

ALL TALK AT ONCE

But it was fucking beautiful, Linda. That's why I said it!

Jellybeans...

Right, this type of language is NOT constructive.

But you said "wanker" to a man called Greg on the phone.

That was her husband.

To be fair, she could've used a worse swearword.

Shut the fu...! Five-minute break, please, everyone?

MUSIC: Calculator by Micachu and the Shapes

I've got something to tell you.

They'll put me back into normal school, soon. Definitely.

No offence to you and Kieran,

but I'll be glad to see the back of these mental cases.

Oh, you shouldn't say that, you know?

It stigmatises us as young people and hinders recovery.

Speak for yourself. There's nothing wrong wi' me.

Smile, ladies! It might never happen.

It already has happened. We're in a mental unit!

Help us, help us!

And I don't know why I'm single.

I'm, like, catalogue model levels of good-looking.

- How come I can't meet anyone? - Because you've got a boyfriend.

I wouldn't say "boyfriend".

Fat Shane's more this guy I know with a car.

That's not very nice!

It's easy for you. No-one finds you attractive.

Actually, that's what I wanted to tell you, but...

But Fat Shane's got this mate, Danny.

I mean, he probably fancies me, but...

I think Lauren's trying to tell you something.

- What is it? - I got this from Erin.

"When I look into your eyes,

"I feel like a volcano that's going to explode and fuck up a village."

You should go out with her. You're both lezzies.

Yes, because all lesbians fancy each other(!)

Do you know that hole in the wall of the upstairs toilets?

That was Erin. She punched through it

after Linda said she couldn't come to Deep Sea World.

Ssshhh...she is terrifying!

I don't know what to do.

You have to shut this down before it gets out of control.

If she tries to give you anything else, chuck it back in her face.

Anyway, might not be so bad. I heard she's turned over a new leaf.

So I says, "If you'd just have bought spreadable butter,

"I wouldnae have to kick you in the tits, bitch!"

Sorry. "I wouldnae have to kick you in the chest, Mum."

See? New leaf.

That's, um... Thank you, Erin.

And now, it's a big week for Megan, who turns 18 this week.

Any exciting plans?

Oh, dear.

That's a shame.

Um, Kieran?

I want to make a jellybean Olympics.

And, like, the 100 metres could be the small, straight ones...

I've got something for you.

Ohhh, Erin!

Didn't see you there!

Oh, wow!

Another...gift!

Who's...who's Holly?

Dinnae even worry aboot her, hen. That cow's dead tae me.

And dead.

MAB CLEARS THROAT

- I don't think I can... - What?!

..find the words to thank you for such a thoughtful gift.

SHE MOUTHS

KIERAN: I like to go to the park sometimes and then go on a swing.

And if you hold them up really high,

and then you pop them in your mouth, they're really cold.

D'you want to come round to mine and watch Dark Duck tonight?

It's the Hungarian remake of Black Swan.

It's about ballerinas.

And fingering.

That sounds great.

- Pal. - Pal?

Er, girls, we only speak when we have the integrity stick.

Oh, my God. I've just found Danny's Facebook

and it doesn't say he's in a relationship.

It's like I'm MEANT to move into his flat!

MOBILE RING ALERT

Wait till you hear this pleb.

'Hey, baby.'

Hi, "babes".

Listen, we're having a get-together tonight.

- I thought you'd like to come. - No.

All right.

Never mind, we're only going to Danny's anyway.

- I'll be there. - Really? But you just said...

Shane? I don't know what I'm saying half the time.

I'm a very sick girl. Why d'you think they put me in here?

- Lauren and Kieran are coming, too. - Kieran?

Isn't he the one you said shat in a girl's gym shoe at school?

Oh, no, that's...a different Kieran.

He went to school wi'...

Mab's on the phone to Fat Shane.

What did he say?

Who knows? Poor Kieran, he's so lost in his own darkness right now.

Aren't you, Kieran, you big maddo?!

Did he say "fat" Shane?!

Anyway, I've got to go. You're still driving us to the shops

for lunch, though, right, and paying?

Oh, yeah, sure. And I can read you a new piece I've written about us.

OK, babe?

Right. Tonight, I am going to go to that party and discreetly pull Danny.

That's decided.

It's written in the stars. He's got a flat AND a car. What's wrong wi' you?

I told you to shut this down. You have got to give it back.

She'll slit my throat, though.

And now I've said I'd go watch some weird film with her tonight.

No! The gifts!

The poem writing! I mean, I know I'm more decisive than you,

but I would not stand for it.

It was just another day as a wage slave

at Lothian Alliance call centre.

But this was one working-class hero who wasn't about to be ground down

by the capitalist hegemony.

I feel her arousal gush all over my face.

I begin to move inside her,

in and out, in...

I ejaculate powerfully into her, draining myself.

Our planets collide.

That's what I call a Big Bang.

That...was...

Thanks(!)

I liked it.

Aye.

- Are you staying at mine later? - Of course not!

What's the point in going out with someone older

if they're going to live with their parents?

- Cheers, Shane. - Cheers, Fat Sh...

Aw.

Thanks!

Thanks for the lift, Fat Shane.

Ah!

If you liked that, I've got more, like Sexual Symbiosis.

It's about my experiments with Tantric breath play.

Sorry, I can't hear you!

It is essential that I pull Danny tonight.

ENGINE IGNITION FAILS

This afternoon's workshop will look at managing confrontation.

Will it help us deal with being patronised?

Ooh, what was that?

Sounds like somebody speaking without the integrity stick.

Now, today, we're going to look at a tactic called distraction.

I want you all to think of something that makes you really angry,

and then we're going to use distraction

to think of a funny memory.

Ha-ha! I like to think of the time

my husband Greg took a sip of his tea

then heard Rangers had been relegated

and spat it out...

Ha-ha! Everywhere!

All down his new jumper!

CONVULSIVE GIGGLING

Just, oh, there's hot tea, and, oh! Ha-ha-ha!

SHE GIGGLES He just looked so silly!

Oh, dear!

Ah-ha-ha! Fun times!

Do you want to go first, Erin,

starting with the thing that makes you most...most angry?

Right, well, it would have to be when that cow, Holly, was still here.

See, I done a drawing of us.

And she turned me down.

Right, now, turn that into something positive.

Well...

after I kicked the shit out of her,

she was crying and trying to say, "No, stop it!"

But the blood, it was pure pouring out her mouth,

and she couldnae get a word out!

And that felt pretty positive!

I'm not sure that's quite what I meant, but good effort, Erin.

Hey, look, I read this thing that says

when someone stands with one foot pointing at you, they love you!

Look what I've got for tonight.

It's what people drink when they have their own flat.

Caber-net Sauvig-non.

If Erin finds out that I went to a party without her, she might...

- I can! - I'm inviting Susan, and Mavis.

I was going to invite Carol, but I ate her.

You are not inviting Erin.

Being seen anywhere outside of here with Kieran is a stretch.

I'm sorry, Mavis!

But she is crossing a line.

You heard what she did to Holly. I have no choice in this!

Oh, my God!

We're going to have to have sex, with each other.

Except obviously you don't,

and you're not inviting her to the party either, OK? Promise me.

I won't invite her to the party.

In fact, I'm going to go over there right now

and tell her to give me some space.

Our naked bodies mingled together.

Wet, satiated in symbiosis.

Then she had a go on my dick.

That was fucking beautiful, pal!

Now let's go and get PISHED!

LAUREN WHIMPERS

Hello, how are you?

Your place is massive, Danny.

Do you not get lonely here, all by yourself?

Well, actually, I live with...

Leanne.

Oh, look at all of yous.

And here's me all out of Blue WKD.

Hi(!)

(Who's this bitch?!)

Let's watch my DVD.

We should probably eat first. I don't know. Are they a couple, or...?

I'm going to have to find out. Subtly.

So what's the deal wi' yous two?

I'm his lobster!

Don't be hard on yourself. You're not bad looking for an older...

Lobsters mate for life. It's in a Woody Allen film.

- We love Woody Allen. - We do.

Me too!

Toy Story's amazing! Huh!

LEANNE LAUGHS

You need to check if his foot's pointing towards you.

It doesn't work if you're sitting opposite each other.

Look, the point is, we've been going out for two years.

And you didn't think to share that wi' Facebook?

- Isn't it a bit pathetic to do that? - Hmph, yeah, it is. Pathetic.

But useful, if...

I think the whole social networking thing only degrades

the purity of what we have together.

Facebook statuses can change, but this?

This is for life.

Aw, nice tat! That's deep! Deep stuff!

I'm thinking of getting a Buddha.

I want something to reflect my spirituality.

And your shape.

I'm going to get a tattoo of Susan. Naked.

Right on my chest, here.

Kieran, why are you wearing that?

Oh, look, the pictures. Look, Erin from school.

That's a great toilet you've got there.

Thanks...

You really need to take that off, or she's going to take my...

Aw! Erin, you're rubbing my leg again!

And what were you two talking about?

Well, the film!

Why don't we watch the film?

We're in the middle of a meal.

The lady wants to watch a film.

The lady watches a film.

So what has this lobster woman got that I don't?

I don't know. But can you get that locket back before Erin kills me?

It's because she's sophisticated. That's why Danny's with her.

Well, I can do sophisticated, too.

What the hell is this? It's totally weird!

Aubergine Parmigiana. I made it.

Totally weird how amazing it is!

Mmm!

It's based on a recipe that we found in Italy. Have you ever been?

Course I have.

Where do you think I got this Caber-net Sauvig-non?

Which is, of course, a red wine.

GENTLE MUSIC AND SENSUAL PANTING

I love this.

Where's your necklace?

Er, I'm keeping it somewhere.

Very...safe.

So why's it not...?

Er, this film...is so good.

Ah!

That chicken was so-o sophisticated.

It was duck, a l'orange.

Wow! You speak Italian?

He isn't interested!

What does she mean by that?

Are you blind? She's been trying it on with him all night!

Fuckin' tryin' tae watch a film here!

That is not what I've been trying to do, at all.

(Unless...)

I'm right here!

Oi! I told you! Shut it!

This is my house.

Erin, try turning it into something positive.

See? This is what happens

when you invite daft wee lassies to a dinner party...

from the fucking madhouse!

Have you got something tae say tae me?!

I'm tryin' to watch a film wi' ma burd here

and you're nabbin' away in my ear.

All this talk, but where's it going?

What do you say you and me go smoke a J in the garden?

I don't have any drugs.

I've got some Prozac in my bag.

It doesn't do much, but maybe if we take, like, four at once,

go someplace more quiet, yeah?

Oi! You trying to pull my boyfriend?

How's your face now, bitch?

What are you doing to my beautiful face?

You both have lovely faces! Everyone does.

Right, I'm no' done wi' you. Square go!

That fingering bit was just coming up!

THEY SHRIEK

Where'd you get that?

Have you been stealing from my fuckin' burd?

Erin, no! Stop!

I gave it to him, because...

..er, well, we've all got our pluses,

we've all got our minuses.

I just...I just don't fancy you.

What, you dinnae like lassies?

No, it's just you.

Wargh!

DVD: 'Dark duck.'

Ow!

I'm the Dark Duck here, bitch!

MUSIC: Nowhere by Micachu and the Shapes

IGNITION FAILS

Here, Shane, now would be a good time to start driving!

Sure you don't want to stay and talk to Danny?

Come on! You know I...love you,

I just don't say it, because it would destroy the purity of it.

Do you really mean that?

ERIN WAILS AND THUMPS CAR

Yeah!

Danny's foot was totally pointing towards you just now.

I don't know if he realises his feelings for me.

If I see you or any of your mental friends near this house again

I'm calling the police!

ERIN RAGES

I think he does!

MUSIC: Calculator by Micachu and the Shapes

No!